Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 8, Episode 9 - The Odd Couples - full transcript
Terry thinks the only way she will get a promotion is if she has an affair with him, so Terry pretends to be married. When Dr Kenderson & his wife show up at the apartment for dinner, Jack pretends to be the husband.
♪ Come and knock on our door ♪
♪ Come and knock on our door ♪
♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪
♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪
♪ Where the kisses are
hers and hers and his ♪
♪ Three's company too ♪
♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪
♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪
♪ Take a step that is new ♪
♪ Take a step that is new ♪
♪ We've a loveable space
that needs your face ♪
♪ Three's company too ♪
♪ You'll see that
life is a ball again ♪
♪ Laughter is calling for you ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Three's company too ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Three's company too ♪
You need a running start,
or you'll never
get off the ground.
Hardy-har-har-har.
Hi.
Hmph!
You have a nice day?
Nice day?
Oh, I'm so mad, I
could just scream.
I just found out I'm
up for a promotion.
Gee, that would
have ticked me off, too.
You don't understand.
There's no way I'm
gonna get that promotion.
Oh, come on, Terri.
That is no way for you to talk.
That's right, Terri.
You're bright, you're
hard-working, you're experienced...
I don't put out. You don't...
I've been meaning to
talk to you about that.
Will you stop? What?
Terri, honey, what
are you talking about?
It's this Dr. Kenderson,
my new boss.
He decides if I get
the promotion or not.
And? He's coming on to me.
What? What did he do?
He didn't do anything.
It's the way he looks at me.
Oh, you poor thing.
Just because a
guy looked at her?
Hey, it's the way he
looked at her, Jack.
A woman can tell
what's on a guy's mind
when he's looking at her.
If that were true,
you would have thrown
me out of here years ago.
Oh, Jack, gosh.
Okay, okay, listen,
how did the guy
look at you, Terri?
Just like this...
Oh, the creep.
Oh. Oh.
That's nothing.
Terr, hey, listen,
if the guy were really
coming on to you,
he would have
looked at you like this...
Would you just behave?
Look, Terri has got
a problem, okay?
Why don't you
just report the guy
to the hospital administrator?
I can't. He'd make fun of me,
just the way you did.
Men!
Then it would get
back to Dr. Kenderson.
I'd lose my
promotion and my job.
Gee, Terri, I don't
know what to tell you.
I got it. Just tell Dr. Kenderson
that you're married.
Married?
You want her to lie?
You want her to put out?
Come on, Terri, it's
just a little white lie.
Forget it, Jack. I'm
no good at telling lies.
Even if push comes to shove?
Jack, you heard her.
She hates to lie.
Oh, really? Terri,
how many times
have you told the patient
that the needle wouldn't hurt?
Yeah, but...
Or that the medicine
wouldn't taste bad?
Well, that...
Or that the bedpan wasn't cold?
That's enough!
I rest my case.
Ah, he's nuts.
There we are, Mr. Jones.
It's almost healed.
You won't have to
come back here anymore.
Dr. Kenderson.
Ah, Terri. There you are.
I've been trying to get
a hold of you all day.
I know.
I mean I'm with a patient
now, Dr. Kenderson.
Ah! Not so fast. I'm
not through with you yet.
Oh, I can wait.
Oh. Uh, well, uh,
this could take a
long time, Doctor.
You see, I'm very,
very thorough.
I don't understand, nurse.
You said it's almost all...
Open up.
Terri, what are you
doing for dinner tonight?
I'm married.
Married? How come you
never told me that before?
Push came to shove.
What?
Oh, just an expression
that my husband uses.
Oh. Is your husband in medicine?
No, he's in, uh, uh, food.
He's a, uh, chef.
Well, that's wonderful. My
wife is an amateur chef herself.
Your wife?
Oh, yes. I've been happily
married for 15 years.
Oh! He's been happily...
Oh, what a relief.
What?
I mean, uh, how nice.
Well, listen, I was gonna
invite you to dinner tonight,
but now I can invite
you and your husband.
My husband?
Oh, yes. My wife would
jump at the chance
of cooking for a real chef.
Oh. Well, uh, that sounds like
a lot of, you know, fun. Ooh!
But we just can't. No.
Why not? Why not?
Well, uh...
We have house guests.
Oh.
Yes, it's their
last night in town,
and they want to spend it
with us. You understand.
Well, bring them along, then.
They don't speak English.
Good, then they can't
complain about the food.
Is it a date?
No. No, uh, it's not a date
because did I mention to you
that my husband hurt his ankle
and just can't leave the house?
No, no, you didn't.
Oh, yes, very bad.
He can hardly
walk, the poor thing.
Well, that's too bad.
My wife was going to cook up
a really gourmet Chinese feast.
She was making her specialty...
Stuffed chicken wings.
Stuffed chicken wings? Oh, darn!
They're my favorite!
Really?
Oh, yes. Goodness.
I'm just gonna be heartbroken
that I have to miss those.
Darn!
Well, maybe some other time.
Oh, sure. Listen, Doctor,
thank you so much
for the invitation.
Am I done now?
Oh.
You're normal.
Sorry I can't say
the same for you.
I was thinking.
You seem so disappointed
about dinner tonight...
Don't worry about
me. No, I'm fine.
No, I said to myself, "Why
not bring dinner to your house?"
Oh, no. No. No.
No, no, no. It'll be no trouble.
My wife would love to do it.
And, besides, it'll
give us a chance
to talk about your promotion.
Is 8:00 too early?
8:00?
Terrific. We'll see you then.
Oh, my God.
Oh, good! You're home!
Janet, you missed me!
Jack, just listen.
Terri called. She sounded
like she was in big trouble.
Terri! Oh, no!
Are you all right?
I'm fine. This is for Jack.
What for?
So you can practice your limp.
Why do I have to limp?
I told my boss that
you broke your ankle.
I have to change my clothes.
Terri, you mind telling
us what's going on?
It all started with
Jack's little white lie.
See what you've done?
No, let me see.
Get out of here!
I'm ashamed of you.
Go ahead, Terri.
I told Dr. Kenderson
I was married.
Good.
Good? He's on his way over here
with his wife and
her chicken wings.
His wife?
Her chicken wings?
She's cooking a special gourmet
dinner to impress my husband.
Husband?
If your married, you have to
have a husband, don't you?
Wait a minute. Terri?
Terri, where are you
gonna find a... Oh, no!
You're it, Jack,
with a bad ankle.
Me? Yeah, you.
It's your little,
white lie, isn't it?
No, wait a minute. I gotta
see Sue Anne later tonight.
Okay, you can hobble
on over there after dinner.
Right now, Terri needs help.
Thanks, Janet. I knew
I could count on you.
Hey, anytime.
Then you'll be my
foreign house guest?
Ye... What?
I told him you and your
husband are staying with us
and can't speak
a word of English.
I created a monster.
Terri, I can't.
Oh, please? We're gonna
talk about my promotion, Janet!
My promotion.
No, I can't though...
Janet, Terri needs your help.
Okay, fine. Where am
I gonna get a husband?
You know, I've been
wondering that for years.
Oh, stop!
I am hurt! I'm hurt!
You can't hit a
man with a crutch!
Good. Go get the door.
What happen, Jack,
her big brother show up?
Ha ha ha ha!
What do you want, Larry?
What do I want?
Terri invited me for
a Chinese dinner.
Oh, no.
Janet! Meet your husband.
I want a divorce.
You got it. Wait.
Terri's boss is coming
over for dinner tonight,
and he's expecting to meet
someone who can't speak English.
Hey, hey, hey.
Just because I
didn't go to college...
Relax. Larry, Janet doesn't
speak English, either.
Look, Larry, I don't like the
idea any better than you do,
but Terri needs our help.
So what country are
we gonna be from?
I'm not sure what
planet you're from.
They're here!
Come on, we
gotta pick a country!
We?
Good idea. We'll be French.
But I don't speak French.
Neither do I, Larry, but
what difference does it make?
We'll just fake it.
They will never
know the difference.
Oh, would you just sit down?
Okay. Okay. Come on.
Shh.
Get over here.
No, just Jack! Don't
forget the crutch.
Jack. Jack.
Sit down. Right.
The crutch. The
crutch. The crutch.
Wrong! The other way!
Relax.
Dr. Kenderson.
Hi, Terri. This is my wife Gail.
How do you do? Hello.
And this is my husband.
How do you do?
How do you do, Mr. Alden?
Who? Jack. Call me Jack.
Well, Jack, how's the
ankle coming along?
Fine. Fine. Comes along
with me wherever I go.
Chicka-boom, chicka-boom,
chicka-boom, chicka-boom.
Won't you please come in?
And meet our dear,
dear friends from France,
who can't speak
a word of English!
Pierre and uh, uh...
Fifi.
Fifi?
Yes, uh, Pierre and Fifi Fofum.
They're from the Loire Valley.
Ho Ho Ho!
Hello.
Hi, there.
We just taught him that.
Unh!
Bonsoir, Pierre et Fifi.
Enchanté de faire
votre conaissance.
Huh?
My wife speaks fluent French.
Your wife speaks French?
Like a native.
Go ahead, dear, say something.
Well, uh, we don't want
the food to get cold,
do you we? Here.
Aah! Excuse me.
Let me go into the kitchen...
Ow!
Excuse me. I'm sorry.
Help me go in the kitchen
and put the food away, shall we?
Aah!
Well...
Don't look at me. I don't
speak a word of French.
Ah!
Well, we'll just let these
heat for about half an hour.
You can't go out there.
Why not?
Not until... you've told me
how you got interested
in Chinese cooking.
Oh. Well, my husband's
away at the hospital a lot,
so I've been taking this class.
It keeps me out of mischief.
So how long have you
and Terri been married?
Uh, not too long.
That's nice.
I remember when Malcolm
and I were first married,
he was so attentive.
Well, we better
get back in there.
No, hold it.
I didn't get a good
look at your legs.
What?
Your chicken legs.
Oh, you mean wings.
Wings! I meant...
Where is my head?
Let's take a little look.
There they are, by golly.
Look at it. Wing
awound the cowor.
Kitchen fun, huh? Aren't
we having some fun here?
You know, for a minute there,
I thought you were
flirting with me.
Flirting? No, no. I'm married.
See?
Well, then, let's get
back to your friends
so I can practice my French.
Hang on.
I'd like to show you something
tremendously meaningful to me.
My, uh, refrigerator.
It's right over here.
Just, uh... Oops,
sorry. Did I get ya?
I didn't... Whoa! A
little problem with this.
Look at this. This is amazing.
You open the door,
the light comes on.
You close it,
the light goes off.
But how can you be sure?
Let's take a look at
that again, shall we?
So tell me something.
If they don't speak English,
and you don't speak French,
how do you
understand each other?
Oh, instinct. We manage.
Don't we?
See?
It's amazing. They're so quiet.
Don't they ever
talk to each other?
Ah! Fifi!
Je t'adore.
Encore. Encore.
C'est si bon. C'est si bon.
Sweetie. Mon Cherie.
Ho ho ho.
Unh.
Ah, oui.
Le broken nose.
That sounds a lot like English.
It did, didn't it? But, uh...
Really what they were
really saying was, uh...
that they want to go to bed.
Bed, at this hour?
Well, they are French.
Nighty-night.
Ciao.
Yike!
Ooh la-la.
I think Fifi has a headache.
Oh.
Wait, you haven't seen my...
I'm sure it's very nice.
Well, I'm back. Did you miss me?
I certainly did.
I don't understand a
word they're saying.
Je peux que mon mari
ne comprend pas français.
Don't talk!
Did I say something wrong?
Yeah, your face.
It's so flushed.
Flushed?
Yes. Ooh, boy, oh, boy.
You sure have a fever.
Have you forgotten I'm a doctor?
Uh, yeah, as a matter of fact,
that did slip my mind.
Jack is right.
I am?
Yes, you are a bit feverish.
Maybe she'd like to go
lie down in our bedroom.
But, really, I don't feel...
Yes, you do. Yes, you
do. Good idea, Terri.
Why don't we go
into the bedroom,
and you just take a little rest?
Jack, your ankle!
It's a miracle!
Doctor said it would
heal in one week,
and, lookie there, time's up.
Listen, why don't you
just lie down on the bed?
Are you flirting with me again?
Huh? No, no, no. I just want...
I know what you want.
Just because I'm an
attractive woman...
Oh, believe me...
And I'm left alone
night after lonely night,
you think you can
take advantage of me.
No. No.
Just because you're young and...
so good-looking.
Mrs. Kenderson...
Call me Gail. Gail?
And I want you to know that
I am not that kind of woman.
I know, I know.
No, you don't. Hey!
Mercy. Wait a minute.
Stop it. Please!
Now look what you've made me do.
You know, I think
you'll feel better
if you'd just take a
rest here on the bed.
Never. It's all over between us.
Over?
And now I've got to tell
my husband what I've done
and beg his forgiveness.
No, no, no, no, no, no,
no. You can't do that.
You're right. This is
bigger than both of us.
What is? Gail? Mrs. Gail?
Now, then, let's talk
about your promotion.
I'd love to.
No, la sit!
Je get. Je get the door.
Hi, I'm Sue Anne.
I had a date with...
Pierre! Le help!
Bonjour! Bon appetite!
C'est la vie!
Larry, will you please
get out of my way?
Not until you've let me explain.
Just tell me where Jack is.
He's in his bedroom, but...
That's all I wanted to know.
No, you can't!
Will you please
get out of my way?
Now Listen.
I don't like using
force on a woman.
Aah!
That's why.
Excusez-moi.
Who are you?
Gail.
Where's Jack?
Sue Anne?
What are you doing in there?
Playing hard to
get, but I'm patient.
Jack, what's going on
between you and this woman?
Nothing, but I'm running
out of places to hide.
Who are you?
I happen to be Jack's date.
Your wife lets you date?
Your wife?
I can explain. Oh, yeah?
Aah! Just as soon
as I catch my breath.
Let me tell you
something about...
Ah, oui, oui.
Toujour l'amour.
Bonjour, l'amour!
♪ La, la-la-la-la,
la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
They're, uh, going bowling.
Oui. Le bowl.
Le bowl.
I don't understand.
You're married, and
you have a date?
Mrs. Kenderson...
Gail, sit down.
You know, I think it's
time you learned the truth
about me and Terri.
I'm listening.
Have you ever heard
of a loveless marriage?
Oh, you poor boy.
Well, we have a couple of
minutes before dinner's ready,
so let's talk about
your promotion, huh?
I'd like that, but before
you say anything,
I have to tell you something.
I've misjudged you.
You have?
Yes. So badly, in
fact, that I don't think
I even deserve that promotion.
Nonsense. You have
all the qualifications.
You're intelligent,
experienced...
But I thought...
You have a good personality,
a pretty face,
and a terrific body.
That's really nice of
you to say, Doctor, but I...
A terrific what?
Body. You look just as
good going as you do coming.
Dr. Kenderson!
Oh, don't look so shocked.
I know you want the promotion,
and, uh, you know what I want.
Well, I didn't
misjudge you at all.
You are a lech!
What's so funny?
Well, you're just doing
that for her benefit.
I mean, why bother?
She can't understand
a word I'm saying?
I mean, I can say
how much I can't wait
to get it on with you,
and she thinks we're talking
about the weather, right?
Wrong.
Is "wrong" a French word?
Why don't you ask
me, Dr. Strangelove?
Oh, my God, you speak English.
You better believe I do.
Well, I... I...
I hope you realize
I didn't mean...
It was a joke.
One of the
requirements of this job
is a sense of
humor, so I felt that...
Don't worry, Doctor.
She won't say anything
about what we just heard.
Will you, Fifi?
Well, now, that depends.
What was it you two were
just now talking about?
Oh, Terri's promotion, right.
Ha ha! Ha ha!
What's to talk about?
I see no reason why I shouldn't
give her the promotion right now.
Good.
Congratulations, Terri.
Terri, would you step
over here, please?
Uh-oh.
What's wrong?
There's nothing to
be afraid of, dear.
Go ahead, Jack.
Gee, I don't think...
Jack, I insist.
Well, Okay.
Now, now, dear. Jack
has waited long enough.
Can you imagine?
They have been
married for a year
and they haven't even...
started their honeymoon?
And it's all her fault!
What?
It's all right,
dear. It's all right.
Jack told me everything.
It just kind of tumbled out.
Now, don't you feel better?
Much better.
You know, you're
a very lucky girl
to have a man as understanding
as Jack for a husband.
Oh, my goodness, our dinner!
Malcolm, help me.
Oh, yes, darling.
All right, Jack. What
was that all about?
Well, Terri, you know,
when Sue Anne showed up,
I had to find a way to
explain her, you know,
so you'd get your
promotion, don't you know.
Jack, she just
got her promotion.
Yeah.
You did? Congratulations!
Jack, please.
Oh, Janet, I didn't
mean to neglect you.
Come here, mama!
Dinner will be... Oh, my God.
Yaah!
Oh, come on!
Gotta run, guys.
Wait a minute, Terri.
I've hardly seen you
the last couple of days.
Tell me, how's that new
job of your's coming?
All right, I guess.
That doesn't sound too good.
It's as Dr. Kenderson's
new assistant.
He thinks just because
he's tall and good-looking,
he's God's gift to women.
Has he been bothering you?
Has he ever?
You know what I
would do if I were you?
Jack, she doesn't need
any more advice from you.
You know what I
would do if I were you?
I'd have a little talk with him.
I tried that, but
it didn't work.
Well, maybe you
weren't strong enough.
Oh, I came on real strong,
but he still won't ask me out.
Three's Company was videotaped
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Closed-Captioned by JR
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA
♪ Come and knock on our door ♪
♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪
♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪
♪ Where the kisses are
hers and hers and his ♪
♪ Three's company too ♪
♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪
♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪
♪ Take a step that is new ♪
♪ Take a step that is new ♪
♪ We've a loveable space
that needs your face ♪
♪ Three's company too ♪
♪ You'll see that
life is a ball again ♪
♪ Laughter is calling for you ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Three's company too ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Three's company too ♪
You need a running start,
or you'll never
get off the ground.
Hardy-har-har-har.
Hi.
Hmph!
You have a nice day?
Nice day?
Oh, I'm so mad, I
could just scream.
I just found out I'm
up for a promotion.
Gee, that would
have ticked me off, too.
You don't understand.
There's no way I'm
gonna get that promotion.
Oh, come on, Terri.
That is no way for you to talk.
That's right, Terri.
You're bright, you're
hard-working, you're experienced...
I don't put out. You don't...
I've been meaning to
talk to you about that.
Will you stop? What?
Terri, honey, what
are you talking about?
It's this Dr. Kenderson,
my new boss.
He decides if I get
the promotion or not.
And? He's coming on to me.
What? What did he do?
He didn't do anything.
It's the way he looks at me.
Oh, you poor thing.
Just because a
guy looked at her?
Hey, it's the way he
looked at her, Jack.
A woman can tell
what's on a guy's mind
when he's looking at her.
If that were true,
you would have thrown
me out of here years ago.
Oh, Jack, gosh.
Okay, okay, listen,
how did the guy
look at you, Terri?
Just like this...
Oh, the creep.
Oh. Oh.
That's nothing.
Terr, hey, listen,
if the guy were really
coming on to you,
he would have
looked at you like this...
Would you just behave?
Look, Terri has got
a problem, okay?
Why don't you
just report the guy
to the hospital administrator?
I can't. He'd make fun of me,
just the way you did.
Men!
Then it would get
back to Dr. Kenderson.
I'd lose my
promotion and my job.
Gee, Terri, I don't
know what to tell you.
I got it. Just tell Dr. Kenderson
that you're married.
Married?
You want her to lie?
You want her to put out?
Come on, Terri, it's
just a little white lie.
Forget it, Jack. I'm
no good at telling lies.
Even if push comes to shove?
Jack, you heard her.
She hates to lie.
Oh, really? Terri,
how many times
have you told the patient
that the needle wouldn't hurt?
Yeah, but...
Or that the medicine
wouldn't taste bad?
Well, that...
Or that the bedpan wasn't cold?
That's enough!
I rest my case.
Ah, he's nuts.
There we are, Mr. Jones.
It's almost healed.
You won't have to
come back here anymore.
Dr. Kenderson.
Ah, Terri. There you are.
I've been trying to get
a hold of you all day.
I know.
I mean I'm with a patient
now, Dr. Kenderson.
Ah! Not so fast. I'm
not through with you yet.
Oh, I can wait.
Oh. Uh, well, uh,
this could take a
long time, Doctor.
You see, I'm very,
very thorough.
I don't understand, nurse.
You said it's almost all...
Open up.
Terri, what are you
doing for dinner tonight?
I'm married.
Married? How come you
never told me that before?
Push came to shove.
What?
Oh, just an expression
that my husband uses.
Oh. Is your husband in medicine?
No, he's in, uh, uh, food.
He's a, uh, chef.
Well, that's wonderful. My
wife is an amateur chef herself.
Your wife?
Oh, yes. I've been happily
married for 15 years.
Oh! He's been happily...
Oh, what a relief.
What?
I mean, uh, how nice.
Well, listen, I was gonna
invite you to dinner tonight,
but now I can invite
you and your husband.
My husband?
Oh, yes. My wife would
jump at the chance
of cooking for a real chef.
Oh. Well, uh, that sounds like
a lot of, you know, fun. Ooh!
But we just can't. No.
Why not? Why not?
Well, uh...
We have house guests.
Oh.
Yes, it's their
last night in town,
and they want to spend it
with us. You understand.
Well, bring them along, then.
They don't speak English.
Good, then they can't
complain about the food.
Is it a date?
No. No, uh, it's not a date
because did I mention to you
that my husband hurt his ankle
and just can't leave the house?
No, no, you didn't.
Oh, yes, very bad.
He can hardly
walk, the poor thing.
Well, that's too bad.
My wife was going to cook up
a really gourmet Chinese feast.
She was making her specialty...
Stuffed chicken wings.
Stuffed chicken wings? Oh, darn!
They're my favorite!
Really?
Oh, yes. Goodness.
I'm just gonna be heartbroken
that I have to miss those.
Darn!
Well, maybe some other time.
Oh, sure. Listen, Doctor,
thank you so much
for the invitation.
Am I done now?
Oh.
You're normal.
Sorry I can't say
the same for you.
I was thinking.
You seem so disappointed
about dinner tonight...
Don't worry about
me. No, I'm fine.
No, I said to myself, "Why
not bring dinner to your house?"
Oh, no. No. No.
No, no, no. It'll be no trouble.
My wife would love to do it.
And, besides, it'll
give us a chance
to talk about your promotion.
Is 8:00 too early?
8:00?
Terrific. We'll see you then.
Oh, my God.
Oh, good! You're home!
Janet, you missed me!
Jack, just listen.
Terri called. She sounded
like she was in big trouble.
Terri! Oh, no!
Are you all right?
I'm fine. This is for Jack.
What for?
So you can practice your limp.
Why do I have to limp?
I told my boss that
you broke your ankle.
I have to change my clothes.
Terri, you mind telling
us what's going on?
It all started with
Jack's little white lie.
See what you've done?
No, let me see.
Get out of here!
I'm ashamed of you.
Go ahead, Terri.
I told Dr. Kenderson
I was married.
Good.
Good? He's on his way over here
with his wife and
her chicken wings.
His wife?
Her chicken wings?
She's cooking a special gourmet
dinner to impress my husband.
Husband?
If your married, you have to
have a husband, don't you?
Wait a minute. Terri?
Terri, where are you
gonna find a... Oh, no!
You're it, Jack,
with a bad ankle.
Me? Yeah, you.
It's your little,
white lie, isn't it?
No, wait a minute. I gotta
see Sue Anne later tonight.
Okay, you can hobble
on over there after dinner.
Right now, Terri needs help.
Thanks, Janet. I knew
I could count on you.
Hey, anytime.
Then you'll be my
foreign house guest?
Ye... What?
I told him you and your
husband are staying with us
and can't speak
a word of English.
I created a monster.
Terri, I can't.
Oh, please? We're gonna
talk about my promotion, Janet!
My promotion.
No, I can't though...
Janet, Terri needs your help.
Okay, fine. Where am
I gonna get a husband?
You know, I've been
wondering that for years.
Oh, stop!
I am hurt! I'm hurt!
You can't hit a
man with a crutch!
Good. Go get the door.
What happen, Jack,
her big brother show up?
Ha ha ha ha!
What do you want, Larry?
What do I want?
Terri invited me for
a Chinese dinner.
Oh, no.
Janet! Meet your husband.
I want a divorce.
You got it. Wait.
Terri's boss is coming
over for dinner tonight,
and he's expecting to meet
someone who can't speak English.
Hey, hey, hey.
Just because I
didn't go to college...
Relax. Larry, Janet doesn't
speak English, either.
Look, Larry, I don't like the
idea any better than you do,
but Terri needs our help.
So what country are
we gonna be from?
I'm not sure what
planet you're from.
They're here!
Come on, we
gotta pick a country!
We?
Good idea. We'll be French.
But I don't speak French.
Neither do I, Larry, but
what difference does it make?
We'll just fake it.
They will never
know the difference.
Oh, would you just sit down?
Okay. Okay. Come on.
Shh.
Get over here.
No, just Jack! Don't
forget the crutch.
Jack. Jack.
Sit down. Right.
The crutch. The
crutch. The crutch.
Wrong! The other way!
Relax.
Dr. Kenderson.
Hi, Terri. This is my wife Gail.
How do you do? Hello.
And this is my husband.
How do you do?
How do you do, Mr. Alden?
Who? Jack. Call me Jack.
Well, Jack, how's the
ankle coming along?
Fine. Fine. Comes along
with me wherever I go.
Chicka-boom, chicka-boom,
chicka-boom, chicka-boom.
Won't you please come in?
And meet our dear,
dear friends from France,
who can't speak
a word of English!
Pierre and uh, uh...
Fifi.
Fifi?
Yes, uh, Pierre and Fifi Fofum.
They're from the Loire Valley.
Ho Ho Ho!
Hello.
Hi, there.
We just taught him that.
Unh!
Bonsoir, Pierre et Fifi.
Enchanté de faire
votre conaissance.
Huh?
My wife speaks fluent French.
Your wife speaks French?
Like a native.
Go ahead, dear, say something.
Well, uh, we don't want
the food to get cold,
do you we? Here.
Aah! Excuse me.
Let me go into the kitchen...
Ow!
Excuse me. I'm sorry.
Help me go in the kitchen
and put the food away, shall we?
Aah!
Well...
Don't look at me. I don't
speak a word of French.
Ah!
Well, we'll just let these
heat for about half an hour.
You can't go out there.
Why not?
Not until... you've told me
how you got interested
in Chinese cooking.
Oh. Well, my husband's
away at the hospital a lot,
so I've been taking this class.
It keeps me out of mischief.
So how long have you
and Terri been married?
Uh, not too long.
That's nice.
I remember when Malcolm
and I were first married,
he was so attentive.
Well, we better
get back in there.
No, hold it.
I didn't get a good
look at your legs.
What?
Your chicken legs.
Oh, you mean wings.
Wings! I meant...
Where is my head?
Let's take a little look.
There they are, by golly.
Look at it. Wing
awound the cowor.
Kitchen fun, huh? Aren't
we having some fun here?
You know, for a minute there,
I thought you were
flirting with me.
Flirting? No, no. I'm married.
See?
Well, then, let's get
back to your friends
so I can practice my French.
Hang on.
I'd like to show you something
tremendously meaningful to me.
My, uh, refrigerator.
It's right over here.
Just, uh... Oops,
sorry. Did I get ya?
I didn't... Whoa! A
little problem with this.
Look at this. This is amazing.
You open the door,
the light comes on.
You close it,
the light goes off.
But how can you be sure?
Let's take a look at
that again, shall we?
So tell me something.
If they don't speak English,
and you don't speak French,
how do you
understand each other?
Oh, instinct. We manage.
Don't we?
See?
It's amazing. They're so quiet.
Don't they ever
talk to each other?
Ah! Fifi!
Je t'adore.
Encore. Encore.
C'est si bon. C'est si bon.
Sweetie. Mon Cherie.
Ho ho ho.
Unh.
Ah, oui.
Le broken nose.
That sounds a lot like English.
It did, didn't it? But, uh...
Really what they were
really saying was, uh...
that they want to go to bed.
Bed, at this hour?
Well, they are French.
Nighty-night.
Ciao.
Yike!
Ooh la-la.
I think Fifi has a headache.
Oh.
Wait, you haven't seen my...
I'm sure it's very nice.
Well, I'm back. Did you miss me?
I certainly did.
I don't understand a
word they're saying.
Je peux que mon mari
ne comprend pas français.
Don't talk!
Did I say something wrong?
Yeah, your face.
It's so flushed.
Flushed?
Yes. Ooh, boy, oh, boy.
You sure have a fever.
Have you forgotten I'm a doctor?
Uh, yeah, as a matter of fact,
that did slip my mind.
Jack is right.
I am?
Yes, you are a bit feverish.
Maybe she'd like to go
lie down in our bedroom.
But, really, I don't feel...
Yes, you do. Yes, you
do. Good idea, Terri.
Why don't we go
into the bedroom,
and you just take a little rest?
Jack, your ankle!
It's a miracle!
Doctor said it would
heal in one week,
and, lookie there, time's up.
Listen, why don't you
just lie down on the bed?
Are you flirting with me again?
Huh? No, no, no. I just want...
I know what you want.
Just because I'm an
attractive woman...
Oh, believe me...
And I'm left alone
night after lonely night,
you think you can
take advantage of me.
No. No.
Just because you're young and...
so good-looking.
Mrs. Kenderson...
Call me Gail. Gail?
And I want you to know that
I am not that kind of woman.
I know, I know.
No, you don't. Hey!
Mercy. Wait a minute.
Stop it. Please!
Now look what you've made me do.
You know, I think
you'll feel better
if you'd just take a
rest here on the bed.
Never. It's all over between us.
Over?
And now I've got to tell
my husband what I've done
and beg his forgiveness.
No, no, no, no, no, no,
no. You can't do that.
You're right. This is
bigger than both of us.
What is? Gail? Mrs. Gail?
Now, then, let's talk
about your promotion.
I'd love to.
No, la sit!
Je get. Je get the door.
Hi, I'm Sue Anne.
I had a date with...
Pierre! Le help!
Bonjour! Bon appetite!
C'est la vie!
Larry, will you please
get out of my way?
Not until you've let me explain.
Just tell me where Jack is.
He's in his bedroom, but...
That's all I wanted to know.
No, you can't!
Will you please
get out of my way?
Now Listen.
I don't like using
force on a woman.
Aah!
That's why.
Excusez-moi.
Who are you?
Gail.
Where's Jack?
Sue Anne?
What are you doing in there?
Playing hard to
get, but I'm patient.
Jack, what's going on
between you and this woman?
Nothing, but I'm running
out of places to hide.
Who are you?
I happen to be Jack's date.
Your wife lets you date?
Your wife?
I can explain. Oh, yeah?
Aah! Just as soon
as I catch my breath.
Let me tell you
something about...
Ah, oui, oui.
Toujour l'amour.
Bonjour, l'amour!
♪ La, la-la-la-la,
la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
They're, uh, going bowling.
Oui. Le bowl.
Le bowl.
I don't understand.
You're married, and
you have a date?
Mrs. Kenderson...
Gail, sit down.
You know, I think it's
time you learned the truth
about me and Terri.
I'm listening.
Have you ever heard
of a loveless marriage?
Oh, you poor boy.
Well, we have a couple of
minutes before dinner's ready,
so let's talk about
your promotion, huh?
I'd like that, but before
you say anything,
I have to tell you something.
I've misjudged you.
You have?
Yes. So badly, in
fact, that I don't think
I even deserve that promotion.
Nonsense. You have
all the qualifications.
You're intelligent,
experienced...
But I thought...
You have a good personality,
a pretty face,
and a terrific body.
That's really nice of
you to say, Doctor, but I...
A terrific what?
Body. You look just as
good going as you do coming.
Dr. Kenderson!
Oh, don't look so shocked.
I know you want the promotion,
and, uh, you know what I want.
Well, I didn't
misjudge you at all.
You are a lech!
What's so funny?
Well, you're just doing
that for her benefit.
I mean, why bother?
She can't understand
a word I'm saying?
I mean, I can say
how much I can't wait
to get it on with you,
and she thinks we're talking
about the weather, right?
Wrong.
Is "wrong" a French word?
Why don't you ask
me, Dr. Strangelove?
Oh, my God, you speak English.
You better believe I do.
Well, I... I...
I hope you realize
I didn't mean...
It was a joke.
One of the
requirements of this job
is a sense of
humor, so I felt that...
Don't worry, Doctor.
She won't say anything
about what we just heard.
Will you, Fifi?
Well, now, that depends.
What was it you two were
just now talking about?
Oh, Terri's promotion, right.
Ha ha! Ha ha!
What's to talk about?
I see no reason why I shouldn't
give her the promotion right now.
Good.
Congratulations, Terri.
Terri, would you step
over here, please?
Uh-oh.
What's wrong?
There's nothing to
be afraid of, dear.
Go ahead, Jack.
Gee, I don't think...
Jack, I insist.
Well, Okay.
Now, now, dear. Jack
has waited long enough.
Can you imagine?
They have been
married for a year
and they haven't even...
started their honeymoon?
And it's all her fault!
What?
It's all right,
dear. It's all right.
Jack told me everything.
It just kind of tumbled out.
Now, don't you feel better?
Much better.
You know, you're
a very lucky girl
to have a man as understanding
as Jack for a husband.
Oh, my goodness, our dinner!
Malcolm, help me.
Oh, yes, darling.
All right, Jack. What
was that all about?
Well, Terri, you know,
when Sue Anne showed up,
I had to find a way to
explain her, you know,
so you'd get your
promotion, don't you know.
Jack, she just
got her promotion.
Yeah.
You did? Congratulations!
Jack, please.
Oh, Janet, I didn't
mean to neglect you.
Come here, mama!
Dinner will be... Oh, my God.
Yaah!
Oh, come on!
Gotta run, guys.
Wait a minute, Terri.
I've hardly seen you
the last couple of days.
Tell me, how's that new
job of your's coming?
All right, I guess.
That doesn't sound too good.
It's as Dr. Kenderson's
new assistant.
He thinks just because
he's tall and good-looking,
he's God's gift to women.
Has he been bothering you?
Has he ever?
You know what I
would do if I were you?
Jack, she doesn't need
any more advice from you.
You know what I
would do if I were you?
I'd have a little talk with him.
I tried that, but
it didn't work.
Well, maybe you
weren't strong enough.
Oh, I came on real strong,
but he still won't ask me out.
Three's Company was videotaped
in front of a studio audience.
Closed-Captioned by JR
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA