Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 8, Episode 7 - Grandma Jack - full transcript

Larry used Jack's chocolate chip recipe to make cookies & entered them in a contest. Larry tells Jack he won, but to accept, he has to dress as a woman. Of course, there is more to it than that.

♪ Come and knock on our door ♪

♪ Come and knock on our door ♪

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♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ Where the kisses are
hers and hers and his ♪

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♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a loveable space
that needs your face ♪

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life is a ball again ♪



♪ Laughter is calling for you ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
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♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
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♪ Three's company too ♪

Oh, hi, Janet.

I was just wondering if... Shh!

Mr. Furley, could
you keep it down?

Jack is sleeping.

Oh, I'm sorry.

But my Sunday paper didn't come,

and there's something
very important

I have to read.

Oh, come on. You can read ours.



It's on the coffee table.

Could you read it here?
We haven't looked at it yet.

Oh, sure.

Here it is.

See, editorial page.

Oh, good. Would you excuse me?

Terri and I are
having breakfast.

Okay.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

I'm sorry, Jack,

but some of these things
are just so darn funny,

you can't keep from laughing.

Of course, they're not as
funny as they used to be.

Like I remember when Dick
Tracy shot Pruneface full of holes.

You can see right through him.

Now, that was funny!

But then, I guess
my all-time favorite

was Little Orphan Annie.

She never changed clothes much,

but she sure could sing.

♪ Tomorrow, tomorrow ♪

Mr. Furley... Aw.
What's going on?

He woke me up.

I'm sorry. I just
got carried away.

Mr. Furley, why don't
you take your paper

and read it downstairs, okay?

This isn't my paper.

Sure it is.

Ours didn't come today,
so I borrowed yours.

What?

You took my Sunday paper?

Well, I was gonna
return it, but I fell asleep.

I'm glad I woke you up!

From now on, keep your hands

off my personal things!

Is that mine?

No. You're lucky!

Damn!

Weird.

What's up, Lar?

Wait till you hear.

Hi, girls. Hi, Lar.

You remember how I
borrowed your recipe

for the delicious
chocolate chip cookies?

Yeah, for your
mother's bake sale.

Is that what I told you?

Larry... No,
actually, what I did...

And you're going to
thank me for this, Jack.

What I did was, I entered
it in a cookie contest.

What?

Yeah, the Landers
Baking Company contest.

They have it every year.

Larry, I am a professional chef.

I own my own restaurant.

I can't go around entering
hokey little contests.

Then you don't want the $10,000?

That's right. I... $10,000?

That's right.

No, wait, wait!
Wait a minute, Larry!

$10,000?

Yeah, I just got this
special-delivery letter

saying that's what Jack's won!

I won $10,000?

$10,000! $10,000!

Wow!

Oh, Larry, Larry... Wait
a minute, wait a minute.

When do I pick up
this money? Tuesday.

You can pick up the check at
the Landers Baking Company.

What? I just walk in and
pick up a check for 10 grand?

Well, actually, there's a
little more to it than that.

How much more?

Well, actually, they're
not expecting Jack Tripper.

Who are they expecting?

Grandma Tripper.

Grandma Tripper?

The contest is only
open to women.

Larry!

I thought they'd
mail him the check.

I didn't know you had
to show up in person.

I don't believe you.

They are gonna
take one look at Jack

and throw him
out, cookies and all.

Not if he dresses right.

What, you want me to
dress up as a woman?

Just long enough
to pick up the check.

Larry, you have pulled
a lot of sleazy schemes

in your time, but
this is the lowest.

No, it isn't. Remember the
time I talked you through...

Forget it, Larry!

Jack has too much integrity
to do anything like this, ever.

Huh, not even for $10,000?

No.

Some people can't
be bought, Larry.

Jack wouldn't even
do this for $100,000.

I'm surprised you
feel that way, pal.

So am I.

No, I mean... No,
no, I'm surprised

that he's surprised.

He should know about
my integrity by now.

Come on. Right.

There's your answer, Larry.

So you can just forget
about your hokey scheme.

Okay, okay, but I
want you to know

that his integrity is
costing me $5,000.

What? My half of the prize.

I was the one who
sent in the recipe.

Get out, Larry.

Okay, $2,500.

Out!

All right, now this
is my final offer.

Out! Out!

Boy, oh, boy, can
you believe that guy?

Really.

Thinking that Jack
would stoop that low.

Yeah.

You did the right
thing, Jack. Yeah.

It was the only way
to go, girls, come on.

I don't care how much we're
gonna miss that color TV.

Right.

What TV?

Nothing, nothing.

Just for a second
there, I was thinking

that I'd get us a
new color TV set

with the prize money.

I'd still have enough left
over after getting the car.

Car? Car?

Yeah, nothing fancy.

Just a little convertible so
we could take weekend trips

up the coast to Big Sur.

Big Sur?

Or to Vegas,
depending on our mood.

But hey, pumpkins, we don't
need any contests, do we?

Soon I'll have enough
money of my own to buy a car.

You've been saving up?

I sure have, $7.00 a
week for the past month.

It's getting
awfully late, Janet.

I know. Hey, Jack,
you better hurry up!

Coming!

Well, what do you think?

Oh, Grandma, what
big feet you have.

Let's call this off.

No!

Jack, come back.

Come back here, Jack.
Come on, you look wonderful.

No, I'll never get
away with this.

When did you
suddenly get cold feet?

When I looked in the mirror.

Jack, all you have
to do is walk in,

pick up a check, and walk out.

Yeah, but...

No more buts. Come on.

Oops! Terri, Terri,
wait a minute.

No, this isn't gonna
work. I gotta tell...

What if I have to go
to the little girls' room?

Just sit down.

So I can check your make-up.

Oh.

Nobody in his right mind
is ever gonna believe

that I'm a woman.

Oh, I'll get that.

Oh, hi, Mr. Furley. Hi, Janet.

I just wanted to ask if...

Well...

who do we have here, now?

Mr. Furley, we
would like for you

to meet a dear friend of ours.

Hello, there.

I'm Ralph Furley.

I'm Jack Tripper.

Oh, my God!

You've finally
gone over the edge!

Mr. Furley, no. The...

Let me tell you, the reason I'm
dressed in these clothes is because...

No, don't tell me! I
don't even wanna hear it!

It's the only way I could get
the money for my cookies.

Cookies?

Jack, if you think you're
gonna pass for a Girl Scout...

Mr. Furley, we
have things to do.

Let me give you
a little tip, Jack.

Pink is not your color.

Makes you look old!

It's fuchsia!

See, you fooled Furley.

Yeah, well, that's
because I'm better-looking

than most of his dates.

Wait, hold... Oops.

Hi, Janet. Hi, Lar.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't
know you had company.

Where's Jack?

Uh... ahem, he's around.

Thanks. Sure.

Jack? Yo, Jack! It's me, Lar.

Yes?

I beg your pardon.
I'm looking...

Jack?

Well, what do you think?

What do you think, Lar?

So you can't be bought, huh?

Larry, Jack isn't doing
this for the money.

I'm not?

I'm not! I'm not.

No, he's doing it
for the principle.

What principle?

Well, what...

Reverse sex discrimination.

Oh, that's good. Thank you.

Reverse sex discrimination.

Mm-hmm. Absolutely!

Well, why should a person be
excluded from a cooking contest

just because he's a man?

Well, that's a good point.

Larry, Jack is only doing this

to make a statement
for equality.

Right. You understand, Larry?

Sure, you're doing
it for the principle.

That's right.

Uh-huh. Then can I
have the prize money?

No way.

I should have known.
When it comes to money,

you women are all alike!

Why are we friends
with this guy?

I don't know. What time is it?

Oh, I'm so nervous, I'm
afraid I'm gonna blow it.

You won't if you
don't open your mouth.

Just let us do the talking.

And if anyone talks to you,

just pretend you're
hard of hearing.

Look, Jack, all you have
to do is get your check,

and we can get out of here.

Shh.

Hello.

I'm Marion Holman
of Landers Baking.

Hello.

This is Grandma Tripper,

and we are his...

Her nieces.

Oh, she's so charming.

Congratulations, Grandma.

Eh?

She's a little hard of hearing.

Oh.

Congratulations!

Do you think that Grandma
could get her check?

She's a little bit tired.

Yes, it's way past her bedtime.

Don't worry. We'll
move things along

just as fast as we can.

Please have a seat.

Thank you.

Guys, she bought it.

Yeah! She really did?

Told you there was
nothing to worry about.

Okay, now, remember Granny.

Right, right.

Lead the way, my child.

Let's sit, all right?

Oh, Granny?

Hi, I'm Melody.
What's your name?

I'm Jack.

Ja... It's short for Jacqueline.

Oh.

Mm, that's a nice scent.

Thank you.

That smells just like
my boyfriend's cologne.

Boy... You have...
You have a boyfriend?

Oh, well, it's nothing serious.

Good.

Good.

Bronchit...

I just think it's nice

for a sweet, young,
juicy girl like yourself

to play the field
like I do, you know.

Hello.

I don't believe we've met.

Well, I... And I
prefer it that way.

My, aren't we witty.

Now, my child, where were we?

Ooh, you have
such lovely patellas.

May I squeeze them?

Oh!

Oh, Granny?

You don't look too well.

You look a little flushed.

Yeah, I bet you forgot
to take your tonic, Grans.

Why don't you come over
here and sit down, Granny?

Yike!

Well, the big moment is at hand.

Would you ladies
follow me, please?

Shall we?

We'll help you, Granny!

She's getting so feeble.

Jack, would you please behave?

A few more minutes, you'll have
your check, and we can go home.

I hope so. My
girdle's killing me.

Who are all these people?

Good afternoon,
ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to the
Landers Baking Contest.

Contest?

I'm gonna kill that Larry.

Let's give a big welcome
to our three finalists.

One of them will be declared
our grand-prize winner,

and will receive a
check for $10,000.

Now let's welcome our
president, Mr. Bert Landers.

Thank you very much.

Hello, everybody.

Well, enough of this talk.

Let's get this contest underway.

But first, I think
we should meet

our three lovely finalists.

First, we have
Ms. Melody Wilson.

Good luck, my dear.

And next we have
Ms. Brenda McNair.

And finally, we have
Grandma Tripper.

Oh! Oh!

You'd better take
care of that cough.

Sorry, Bert.

And now, the ladies
have in front of them

on their work tables
all the ingredients

listed in their own
personal recipes.

So let's begin!

Terri, I wish I'd never
let you talk me into this.

You were the one
that wanted the TV.

That's not true.

What?

I wanted the car.

You're wasting
your time, dearie.

I beg your pardon.

They've already filled
my name in on the check.

That's bush league, darling.

Check this out.

Talk to me, eggy weggy.
Be nice to your egg, woo!

And for those of
you in Australia...

This really cracks me up. Mm.

You're not using
this, are you, mama?

Thank you so much.

All right, now watch and learn.

And joining the eggs, the
soon-to-be-released sugar.

Release me. Release me.

And of course the margarine.

Butter.

And springtime would
never be complete

without some flour power.

And of course, a
smidge of vanilla.

But not every night's
prom night, is it?

Ah cha! Good for Granny.

Un soupçon of baking soda.

It's magic time.

And as I've said
before, and I'll say again,

let the chocolate chips
fall where they may.

And now, the
piece de resistance:

walnuts, nutmeg, and of
course my secret ingredient,

which you will never, ever know.

Oh, dear.

Oh, allow me, my child.

But we both can bend, can't we?

Down and up.

My secret ingredient!

Oh, I am so clumsy.

Here, let me help.

Oh, oops, I am sorry.

Granny!

Quick, do you have any candy
or anything sweet like that?

No. All I have is this box of...

This will have to do.

But Jack... Terri, what
do you keep saying?

I can't win with plain
chocolate cookies.

Don't worry, I'll make it work.

I'm a chef, remember?

You haven't won yet, Number 2.

And if you put your
hand on my table again,

I'll be baking lady fingers.

Oh, Jack, where have you been?

The judging's almost over.

I had to go to the
little girls' room.

What? Don't worry, I
kept my eyes closed.

Terri, listen, I have to know.

What exactly did I put
in those cookies anyway?

Cough drops.

Cough drops?

With menthol.

What? Oh, no. Uh-oh.

Landers is looking
over here. He knows.

We've gotta get out of
here. Come on, let's go.

Too late. Here he comes.

Okay, I'm gonna
go to a women's jail.

Excuse me, may I
have a word with you?

Why, certainly, sir.

Call a lawyer.

I want you to know that
I've had my eye on you

from the very start.

You have? Yes.

All this Granny business
didn't fool me one bit.

It didn't?

I know what's
underneath that dress.

You do?

A warm, young, vibrant woman,

full of passion, eager for life.

How did you guess?

Because we are two of a kind.

Oh, more than you know.

After the contest,
let's go have a drink.

Whow! Naughty boy!

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

it's time to crown our
queen of the kitchen.

Now, this was not
an easy choice,

what with Melody Wilson's
oatmeal raisin cookies,

Brenda McNair's
raspberry tart cookies,

and Grandma Tripper's...

What do you call your cookies?

Chocolate mint surprise cookies.

Easily the most unusual
cookie I have ever tasted.

Why, do you know,
one of the judges

was feeling a little
bit under the weather,

and he ate a cookie,

and it actually
cleared his sinuses.

So...

the winner of this year's
grand prize of $10,000 is...

Grandma Tripper!

Aah!

Oh!

Your crown.

My crown!

Your robe.

My robe!

And your check for $10,000.

You've made me the
happiest grandma alive.

I owe so much to all those
little people who helped me...

Too many names to mention
now, but I would like to single out

my two loving nieces,
Janet and Terri.

Take a bow, girls.

You know, ladies and gentlemen,

I would like to share
this crown with them...

Aah!

Uh, because if it
wasn't for them,

I wouldn't be here right now,

which I will never
let them forget.

Let me make one
thing perfectly clear.

I did not do this for the money,

nor for the honors
that go along with it.

The important thing
is this is America,

where people love a good joke.

And never press charges.

And in conclusion,
I would like to say...

Are we going for that
drink now, man? I'll buy.

Oh, is it good to be home.

I just wanna get
out of these clothes

and go down to the Regal
Beagle for a nice cold beer.

Gee, the ride home
was so embarrassing.

I never thought that cab
driver was gonna stop laughing.

He did when he saw the tip.

What a day, Terri,
and that dumb contest.

Oh, don't think
about it anymore.

Just put it out of your head.

Okay.

How about some milk and cookies?

Don't say cookies!

I meant crackers,
crackers, crackers.

Excuse me. Is Jack home?

Yeah, Mr. Furley. He's
getting ready to go out.

Oh, well, I just wanted...

Hey, can one of you
girls help me with this bra?

Jack!

Mr. Furley.

I never thought I'd say this,

but please put on a dress!

He hates me!

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