Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 8, Episode 2 - She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not - full transcript

Larry visits Jack as he is cleaning the apartment and finds a magazine quiz about sleeping with a roommate. Larry & Jack assume Janet or Terri must have filled it out. Larry suggests they all go to a mountain cabin to figure it which gal.

♪ Come and knock on our door ♪

♪ Come and knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ Where the kisses are
hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪
♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪
♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a loveable space
that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ You'll see that
life is a ball again ♪

♪ Laughter is calling for you ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Da da da da da ♪

Chh-chh, chh-chh.

♪ Doo doo dee dee dye ♪

Chh-chh, chh-chh.

Jack, guess what!

You've joined the Boy Scouts!

Oh, no. My boss
lent me his cabin

up at Big Bear for the weekend.

I thought you'd
want to come along.

Gee, I'd love to, Lar,

but I left my short
pants at the cleaners.

Let me get this for you, Sparky.

Come on, Jack.

I'm talking clean air,
fresh mountain springs...

pine trees.

I can't, Larry. I'm
busy all weekend.

Okay, okay.

Want to go to the beach?

Larry, I got things to do, okay?

All right.

Excuse me. Do you mind...


Jack, come here!
You got to see this!

What is it?

Real Woman? Come on, Larry.

Jack, this could
change your life.

"How to Avoid Embarrassing
Underarm Stains"?

Not that. This quiz.

"Rate Your Roommate"?

One of the girls
already filled this out.

Yeah, but which
one, Terri or Janet?

Who cares?

You should. It's all about you.


Listen to this question.

"Is your roommate
of the opposite sex?

Answer... yes."

Well, shall I go on?

No, thanks. I told
you, I got things to do.

Jack! Don't you want to find
out how you rate around here?

Hey, Lar, the kid knows how
he rates around here, all right?

What's it say?

Woo, listen to this.

"Have you ever had an
affair with your roommate?

Answer... no."
I've heard enough.

"Would you like to? Yes!"

Yes? Where?

"Have you ever had an
affair with your roommate? No.

Would you like to? Yes."

You lucky son of a gun.

Larry, after all these years,

why would one of the girls
want to... to "leh" with me?

Maybe she thinks
you're something special.

That's ridiculous.

I know, but there's no
accounting for taste.

Oh, Larry. An affair would
ruin everything around here.

The three of us couldn't live
together after something like that.

Ah, you're right.

You can't be making
it with one roommate

while the other's living
in the same apartment.


So it would be better

if you took whoever
it is up to my cabin.

Larry, will you get out of here?

I don't have time to
be messing around.

Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo! I can't
wait to find out which one it is!

You're out of here! Okay.

"Rate Your"...

Nah. When did...

Oh, hi, Jack.

Nothing. I wasn't reading.
Nothing, nothing. Hi.

Hi, Jack.

Hi, Jerri. Hi, Tanet...

Uh, Terri, Janet. Uh...

Say, Janet, could you
come here for a second?

Sure, Jack.

Is there something

that's been bothering you lately

that, uh, I might be
able to help you out with?


Not that it's any
of my affair...

My business.
It's just that, uh...


We... We weren't doing anything.

Okay. Where do you
want me to put these?

Huh? Oh, uh, I'll put 'em away.

I just have to finish
cleaning the cupboard.


What's the matter with him?

I don't know, but he sure
is acting strange, huh?

I think he's been
working too hard lately.

Look, he's been cleaning
the apartment again.

Yeah, I think we forget

just how much he
does around here.

Yeah, Terri, we really
ought to show him

how much we appreciate him.

You're right.

I wish we could get him
to take some time off,

just to relax.

That's a good idea,
Janet. Good idea.

Hi, Jack.

Hi, Janet.

Uh, Jack... Hmm?

Where are you going?

I just have to finish cleaning.

Oh, forget that.

Oh, my, you're tense.

Am I?


Oh, you need to relax.

Anything you say.

Jack, wouldn't it be
nice to have some fun?


Well, then, why don't you?

Uh, Janet, do you...

want to go to the mountains
with me this weekend?

I'd love to.

You would?

That's exactly what I
wanted to hear you say.

Really? Yes.

Where are we gonna go?

Larry said I could use
this cabin up at Big Bear.

Oh, great! Oh, Jack, I'll
go get ready right now.

Hey, Janet... Huh?

Don't you take too long.

What am I doing?


Jack, are you all right?

Oh, Terri, listen, I got to
talk to you about something.

But before you do...


What was that for?

Just for being you,

and I'm sorry I waited
this long to do it.

Now, what did you want to say?

Want to go to the mountains
with me this weekend?

Oh! Oh, I would love to!

I know what I'll do.

I'll pack us something to
eat on the way up, okay?

Oh, Jack!

Oh, I was hoping for
something like this. Ha ha!

I did it again.

Well? Did you find out
anything? Which one?

I can't talk to you now, Larry.

Oh, you still working
on it, huh, pal?

Jack... Oh, hi, Larry.


I can't wait to get
up to Big Bear.


No, Larry, listen,
uh, she was...

Oh, hi, Larry.

Oh, Jack, we're
gonna have such fun

up in the mountains.

You dirty dog.

It's not what you think.

Then why...

I don't know why. I
don't even know how.

All I know is that
I've asked both girls

up to your dumb
cabin this weekend.

I feel terrible.

You'll feel better tonight.

You're right I will,

because I'm calling this
whole thing off right now.

Wait a minute. You still
have to find out which one it is.

Why do I have to?

Because it'll drive
you crazy if you don't.

I know, I know.

But with me up
there to help you,

look, while you're trying
to find out from one girl,

I'll be keeping the
other one busy.

Then I can find out who it is.


So I can talk her out of it.

Right. Afterwards.

Uh, Larry...

Listen, you know,
I keep telling you,

but you can't get it
through your thick head.

I don't think of Janet and
Terri that way, all right?

We have a
beautiful relationship,

and I don't want to do
anything to spoil that.

Okay, Jack, I stand corrected.

You want to help me pack?

All right.


You nearly bumped your halo.

Dresses? We're going
to be in the woods.

You never know
who you'll bump into.

Oh, for God's sake.

Hey, Terri, is this
your magazine?

No, I got that from
one of my patients.

I haven't even read that yet.

Hmm. You mind
if I take it along?

Are you gonna spend
the weekend reading?

Hey, there might not
be anything else to do.

I mean, the way poor Jack looks,

the only thing he's
gonna want to do

is jump into bed.

Well, here we are.

Yeah, finally.

Only six hours
for a two-hour trip.

Well, it's a hard place to find.

Especially with a
Pennsylvania road map.

I caught it before
Philadelphia, didn't I?

Hey, would you look
at this place, huh?

It's great!

Look, Terri, it's
even got a loft.

Wow, this is great.

Pal, those bags are heavy.
You should have made two trips.

Thanks for your help.

Anytime, pal.

Let's check out the bedrooms.

I'll go check out
this other one.

I'll check this one.

Larry, come here.

Would you get over here?

Which one, Larry? Which one?

I've been sitting next
to 'em for six hours,

and I still don't have a clue.

All you have to do is
ask one simple question.

What? "You want to fool around?"

Will you... Get
serious, would you?

Jack, it's gonna
take a long time.

Whoever it is is gonna
be subtle about it.

She's not just gonna
blurt out an open invitation.

Want to go to bed, Jack?


Par... Par... Pardon me?

Well, I just thought

that we should all get
a good night's sleep

so we can have a bright and
early start tomorrow, okay?

Well, 'night.



It's Janet. It's Janet.

Larry, how can I
find out for sure?

Jack, have you thought about
where you'd like to sleep tonight?

Ha ha ha ha ha!

I'm sorry. It's
this mountain air.

It makes me giddy.

Oh, gee, I hope no one
minds that I took this bedroom.

That's fine. No,
that's okay, Terri.

I think I'm gonna
sleep right out here.

I'd like to have a nice
big bedroom for a change.

Here you go, Jack.

And Jack can take
the other bedroom.

Oh. Oh. Okay.

Janet, uh, I guess
I'll be right in here.


Hey, what about me?

You can sleep wherever you want.

Good night.

Good night.

I guess I'll, uh,
sleep up there.

Good night.



Oh... What? What?

I got to ask you a favor.

Get away from me.

No, no, no, no. I'm
afraid of heights.


Maybe if you slept up there.

Forget it, Larry.

No, no, no. And I
slept down here.

Aw... Please, please,
please, please, please, please?

Larry... Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Oh, thanks, Janet. Okay, okay.

I'll remember this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah. Thanks, hon.

You big baby.

Hurt me.




Don't be afraid, Janet.

I just... I had to talk to you.

I couldn't sleep.


Janet, listen to me.

Janet, you know, when two
people have been living together

for a long time,

it's only natural
that they have...

certain feelings,
don't you agree?


Well, if you do have
these... feelings,

you know, you can tell me.

I... I promise I'll behave,

if you want me to.

Oh. I shouldn't have said that.

I'm sorry. Forget
I said that, okay?


Is that a yes or a no?


Janet, I have to know.

Please don't tease me.


Oh, gosh, I had
so much fun today.

Oh, yeah. Me, too, Terri.

Hey, who wouldn't enjoy a picnic

in the middle of
a lush pine forest?



Somebody with an allergy.

Ah-choo! Ah-choo! Ah-choo!

Let's put these in
some water, huh?

Okay, I'll help you.




Excuse me.

Jack, the weekend
is almost over,

and you still haven't
found out which one it is.

I know, I know.

It's got to be Janet.

The only chance I had
to be alone with her,

she turned out to be you.

It was good for me.


All right. Relax, buddy.

I'll make sure you get
another chance with Janet.

Only this time, try to
make the most of it.

You know your problem,
Larry? You don't underst...

Shh, shh.

Well, here we are.



How'd you like to take a nice,
romantic walk down to the lake?

With whom?

With me.

Oh. All right.

Want to go, Jack?


Well, if you don't
mind my allergy.

No. No.

You, uh, you stay here, Jack.

Come on... Larry.

Hey, Lar, where are you going?

Down to the lake with Grumpy.

You can stay here with Sneezy.

Well, Janet, alone at last.

We can have a nice, long talk.

Okay. You want to build a fire?

Anything you say, Janet.



You want to make it?


The fire.

Oh, yeah, yes,
of course, the fire.

Yes, you have to make a fire.

Otherwise, it won't burn, right?


Listen, Jack, I'm
gonna freshen up

and change into
something more comfortable.


Something more comfortable?

Lordy, it's so hard to be good.

Aah! Geez!

Terri, you won't regret this.

How can you go back to the city

without one moonlight
row on the lake?


Don't tell me you're
gonna change your mind.

I was going to tell
you that the seat is wet.


Here. Sit on this.


Real Woman?

Won't Janet mind if you
get her magazine wet?

That's not her magazine.

Uh... Oh!

What's the matter?

I got to see Jack.

What? Larry.

Larry, careful, careful.

Yah! Neh! Dah! Aah!



I can't swim!

Can you walk?


I'll be right back.

I'll be out in a second!



What happened to you?

Never mind.

Janet didn't fill out that quiz.


Terri did. It's her magazine.

How do you know?

She just told me.

But Janet was acting
so... are you sure?

Ask her yourself. She's
down at the dock now.


Where's Janet?

Slipping into something
more comfortable.


Where's Larry?

He's busy, Terri, so I thought

I'd come out here and
keep you company.

Oh, thanks, but I have
plenty of company.

Darn mosquitoes.

Well, I'm glad that you're here.

You are?

Of course.

I always enjoy your company.

You know, I... I enjoy
your company, too.

Oh. I'm glad.

I thought so.

You know, Terri, listen,

you know, when two people
live together for a while,

it's only natural that they
have certain... feelings.

I know.

Now, I wanted you to
know that I'm flattered,

but there's something
I've got to tell you.

I didn't tell you yet.


Oh. Got him.

Good. Terri...

I know what you wrote
about me in that quiz.

What quiz?

The quiz you filled
out in Real Woman.

I didn't fill out any quiz.

You didn't? Uh-uh.

I'm gonna kill Larry.

Oh! Jack...


Jack, careful.

Don't tell me
about boats, Terri.

I've been around boats... Aah!

Here you go, Larry.

Some nice, hot soup.

I'm too weak to eat.

Come on, Larry.

Now, open up and
just take a little sip.

Come on, come on.


This'll make you feel better.

I feel better already.


Aren't you ever gonna change?

I think I just did.

Why don't you grow up
and be more like Jack?

He doesn't take advantage of us.

Yeah, only because you
never give him the chance.

Oh, Larry.


Jack... Oh, what
happened to you?

I fell in the...

Jack, would you take
advantage of me?

Janet, please, you've got to
give up this hopeless fantasy

of having an affair with me.

An affair?

I know it's something

you've been dreaming
about for a long time,

but you've got to
get over me, kiddo.

Jack Tripper, what
are you talking about?

He's talking about that quiz

you filled out in the magazine.

What quiz?

You know, about wanting
to have an affair with Jack.

I didn't fill out any quiz.

Wait a minute. If you
didn't fill out any quiz,

and Terri didn't
fill out any quiz,

then who did?

Alice Green.

Who's Alice Green?

A patient at the hospital.

It's her magazine.


You don't happen to have
Alice's number, do you?

She's 84.

What's she look like?

Larry! Larry! Larry!

Oh, boy, I feel ridiculous.

And you thought
that it was one of us?

Why do you think he
invited you up here?

I'll go chop some wood.

You invited us up
here to have an affair?

No, no. Only so
I could figure out

which one of you it was

so I could talk you out of it.

Talk us out of it?

Don't you see?

I mean, Of course, I
knew it wouldn't be easy...

A nice-looking guy like me

alone with two lonely,
desperate women.


Oh, see, you'd have a hard time

containing yourselves right now.

Oh, you... Thank you, Terri.

Wait, wait, wait!
Oh, Janet, come on.

Ha ha ha ha!


Ah, come on... Ah-choo!


Isn't this great?

Yeah. It's so warm and cozy.

Oh, it's freezing in there.

I'm gonna sleep out here.

Hey, what do you
think we're gonna do?

Ah. That's more like it.

Janet, what are you staring at?

Fire. I see things
in the flames.



Like, I see this island
with a pretty castle

and trees blowing in the breeze.

Oh, that's nice.


You know, I see a... A
real handsome man...

Rich and, you know, handsome.

How about you, Lar?

I see the rich guy's sister.


How about you, Jack?

Well, I... ah...



Jack, I don't believe you!

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