Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 8, Episode 19 - The Heiress - full transcript

One of Janet's customers who passes away and she is one of his beneficiaries. He leaves her a vase. One of his relatives who is an art dealer says it's a cheap one. When he asks Janet out Jack suspects he lied about the vase's value and is trying to get it.

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♪ Where the kisses are
hers and hers and his ♪

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♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
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♪♪

Terri, what are you
doing? Washing the dishes.

That is not how
you wash the dishes.

This is how. Jack!

You got to let the soapy
water loosen the food.

I know that. So why didn't
you do that in the first place?

Because your cashmere
sweater is soaking in there. What?

You asked me to wash it.
Remember? Oh, good, Terri.

Now I got a cashmere dishrag.

Just leave it there and
let it soak. I'll wash it later.



Why don't you just put it
on a stick and mop the floor?

Hey, Jack? Do you
remember my telling you

about Mr. Davis? Who?

You know, Warren Davis,
that customer of mine.

You mean that
old guy who used to

hang around your
flower shop all the time?

He was a real weirdo. He died.

But a real nice weirdo.

I'm sorry, Janet. Well, I'm supposed
to be at his lawyer's office on Thursday.

He named me in
his will. His will?

I don't understand.
Were you that close?

No, Terri. I hardly
knew this man.

Then why would he
put you in his will?

I don't know. Well, you know,
maybe he was a lonely old man,

and he remembered that
I was always nice to him.

I wonder how much he left you.

That depends on
how nice she was.

No, maybe he's one of those,
you know, eccentric millionaires

that you always read about,
like someone is nice to them,

and then when they die, they
leave that person a million dollars!

Terri, don't get
Janet's hopes up.

I mean, the guy had
nothing better to do

than hang around a
flower shop all day long.

What could he possibly
have to leave her?

He owned a bank. A
bank would be nice.

A bank has more
than a million dollars!

Oh, stop. Come on, you
guys. You're being ridiculous.

Mr. Davis hardly knew me, okay?

Look, if you'll excuse me,
I've got better things to do

than thinking about how
much money I'm gonna get.

Oh, like what? Thinking
about how I'm gonna spend it.

Very well. Yes. Okay, yes.

Looks like we're
the first to arrive.

Yeah, Jack, I'm glad
you came with me.

Well, somebody has to help
you carry all that money home.

Please, no jokes. I'm
nervous enough as it is.

There's no reason
for you to be nervous.

Then why did you insist
on me wearing black?

Out of respect for
the family, Janet.

This is a very solemn occasion.

Hi!

You here for the grab bag too?

Excuse me? The
reading of the will.

Look, I hope this
doesn't take too long.

I've got a court
reserved in half an hour.

Excuse me.

“Respect,” huh?

He's probably the
black sheep of the family.

I'm surprised at how friendly
he was. Why wouldn't he be?

Well, come on, Janet. You
know what the family must think

about you being
named in the will.

No. What? Well, this Mr. Davis
was an old and lonely guy,

and here you are,
young and attractive.

Oh, Jack! You are the only person
who would think a thing like that.

Janet... You are the only one.

Oh, hello. I don't believe
we've bet. I'm Phillip Dawson.

Hi, I'm Janet Wood.

Oh, you're the one
from the flower shop?

Mm-hmm. You're the one
that Uncle Warren was...

Yes, yes, uh-huh. He used to come
and see me just about every day.

Until...

Until his heart gave out.

Excuse me.

Jack, he thinks...
No, no, let's sit down.

Forget about him. Shine
him on, okay? Jack, Jack...

Relax, Janet.

I don't believe we've
met. My name is Jack...

Sorry. My name... I
have something in my eye.

You do?

Well, I have a little
handkerchief right here for you...

Thank you.

Phillip, will you get
the door, please?

Well, shall we begin?

As Warren's friend
as well as his lawyer,

I can honestly say
that you're all here

because he loved each
and every one of you.

“I, Warren Davis, being of sound

and disposing mind,”
etcetera, etcetera, etcetera,

“do declare this to be
my last will and testament.

To my nephew, Phillip,

I bequeath all my
municipal bonds.”

He always loved you, dear.

“To my grandson, Tony,

I leave my house and
the rest of my securities.”

You deserve every
bit of it, Tony, dear.

“And to my sister, Grace,

my Ford station wagon.”

And?

That's it.

Don't touch me!

Oh, I should have
drowned him when he was 6.

“And to my grand-daughter, Ann,

I leave my favorite
Picasso sketch.”

The one that hung in the study?

Oh, my God! That
must be worth a fortune!

In today's market, at least
a hundred thousand dollars.

How does he know that?

He's an art dealer.

Did you hear that, Janet? A hundred
thousand dollars. This old guy was loaded!

Jack, shh! Control yourself.
Okay, right, I'm cool.

“And finally, to Janet Wood... ”

This is it!

“To Janet Wood,

“who brightened my every day,

Sounds good, sounds good.

“I leave something
that meant a lot to me...

His bank. Shh!

“the vase that I filled

with her fresh
flowers every day.”

Did Picasso make vases? Shut up!

Miss Wood. Thank you.

Oh, it's very nice.

What's it worth? Jack!

Nothing. Nothing?

Well, maybe $20, $25. I hope
you're not too disappointed.

No, I'm not.

How about the box?
Is that anything... Jack!

Look, um, your
uncle hardly knew me.

He didn't have to
leave me anything.

I'm rather touched that
he thought of me at all.

Thank you very much.
You're welcome, Miss Wood.

Come on, Jack. Let's go.

Uh, good-bye.

Hang on a second,
Janet. What, Jack?

This has cost us enough already.

Only $25, huh?

Maybe only 20.

Oh, come on, you two. Remember,

it's not how much something
costs, it's the thought that counts.

Hey, Larry, where's the
30 bucks you owe me?

Later, Jack.

Oh, hi, Janet.

Hi, Larry.

I thought you might like these.

Imported Belgian chocolates?

It's only money.

What's the occasion?
There's no occasion, Jan.

I was just driving
down the street

and thinking what a lucky
guy I am to have neighbors like

you.

And don't you just know
it? I passed by a store

that was selling imported
chocolates, so... Larry?

This wouldn't
have anything to do

with Janet being
named in a will, would it?

She was? Oh, Larry!

No, no, now that you mention it,

I vaguely remember Mr. Furley
saying something about one of you...

Larry, this is what Janet got.

Wow! It's worth 20 bucks, Lar.

I paid more than that
for the chocolates.

Thank you.

Wait a minute, Larry!

Where's my $30?

We're even.

I'll go put this in
our room, Janet.

Oh, no, no, no. Don't
put it in our room. Why?

Well, because it'll...

Okay.

When I was a kid, I was
scared to death of dragons.

I didn't know you were that old.

Anyway, they used
to give me nightmares,

and, well...

They still do? Yeah, sometimes.

Oh, so where do you
want me to put this?

I don't care, Terri, just so
long as I don't have to see it.

I'm gonna go out
and heat up the coffee.

Janet, did I ever tell
you what Freud said

about girls who
dream about dragons?

Hmm, somewhere where
she doesn't have to see it.

Now, where...

Hi, Mr. Furles.
Where's the heiress?

Huh? Janet! What'd she get?

You're lookin' at it.

It's beautiful!

You really think so?

Well, who wouldn't?
It's a real “object dee-art.”

Mr. Furley, would
you like to have it?

Me?

Well, you've been so nice
to us over all these years...

Oh, I know, but I
couldn't possibly...

Well, if you don't want
it... Well, if you insist.

That is ridiculous, Jack!

Freud never said
anything as sick as that.

Oh. Maybe it was
Larry. Had to be.

Oh, hello. Jack, isn't it?

Yes, you're... I'm here to apologize
for my behavior this morning.

Oh, thank you. How'd you
know roses were my favorite?

I think this is for you.
Mm-hmm, thank you.

Why, this is beautiful.
Won't you come in?

Thank you. Sure.

I hope you can forgive me for being
so rude to you. Oh, that's all right.

No, no, it's not, it's not.

You see, some of my relatives said
certain things that led me to believe

that... you and my uncle were...

Getting it on? Jack!

But when I saw how you
acted when you got that vase,

I just had to come
over here and apologize.

Wait a minute. You came all
the way over here just to do that?

Well, I'm glad he did.
Otherwise we wouldn't have met.

Terri Alden. Phillip Dawson.

Hi. So,

Phillip, would you like a
glass of wine or something?

Well, I got a better idea.
Have you had any lunch yet?

She's busy. No, I'm not.

Listen, I know this great little place
where none of my relatives ever go.

Janet, Janet... Jack,
what do you want?

Excuse me. Is that your
car parked in the driveway?

Yes, sir, I'm afraid it is. I'm afraid
you're gonna have to move it, pronto.

That's okay, Phillip.
That's okay. You go ahead.

It'll give me a chance to
change for lunch. Oh, terrific!

I'll be back in a
second. All right.

You can't let your people
park in the driveway.

Did you see the way he was
looking at you? Yeah, Terri, I did.

He's awfully cute, isn't
he? I cannot believe

how you both fell
for that phony charm.

“Phony charm”? Well, it
wasn't there this morning.

And he apologized for that.

Apologies are cheap,
Janet. Can't you see?

He's only after one thing. Jack!

No, not that.
Something valuable.

Oh!

I'm talking about the vase!

Why would he want the vase?

Because it's worth a fortune.

A fortune? What are
you talking about?

Yeah, Jack. Phillip said
that it wasn't worth anything.

That's what he wants you to
think. You're not making sense.

Janet, do I have to
draw you a picture?

Before you inherited that vase,
he wouldn't even talk to you.

Now all of a sudden, he
shows up here out of the blue.

Yeah, to apologize.
Not just to apologize.

He flattered you. He
complimented you.

He even asked you out. Why?

Maybe he likes me, Jack.

Come on, Janet. Be serious.

Oh! No, no, no!

I mean, the guy just met you.

Well, so what? “So what”?

Come on, Terri. You
sound as naive as Janet.

Let me ask you something.
Is Janet the type of girl

who'll sweep a guy
right off his feet?

Well, uh... Terri!

I'll answer that for you,
okay? Thank you, Jack.

Jan, Hmm?

You're a wonderful girl, but...

But what? But you
have to grow on people.

Like a wart? Yeah... No!

No. Now, you're putting
words in my mouth.

There's no room, Jack.
Your foot's already in it!

That's telling him,
Janet. Thank you, Terri.

I'm glad somebody around
here has some sense.

On the other hand, why
would a very rich man

leave you something
that's worthless?

What? Oh, honestly!

Sometimes you two
are, well, just ridiculous!

Janet, wait a minute. Terri
has a p... Oh, forget it, Jack!

You see that? She
will not face the truth.

That vase is worth a fortune.
She's ready to give it away.

“Give it away”? Oh, no.

What are you doing,
Terri? Terri, wait a minute!

Where are you going? Out.

No, Terri, we cannot
let Janet out of our sight.

Why not? She's liable to give
that vase away to that con artist.

But, uh... Hi.

Larry, where have you been?

You're late.

Give me a little hint,
here, Terri. Late for what?

Larry, I'm in big trouble.
You've got to help me.

What? I'll explain on
the way down to Furley's.

Excuse me. Sure.

Phil! Come on in!

Is Janet ready yet? Almost.

Did she tell you her
great idea? No, what?

That the two of you stay here
and let me make lunch for you.

Oh. Gee, I was kind of planning
on taking a drive up the coast.

I know this great little place
where we can stop and have lunch.

You can still take the
drive, Phil, after lunch.

I don't like to brag, but I
happen to be a gourmet chef.

Well, in that case, it
sounds great. Does it? Great.

What sounds great? Uh, well,
uh, having lunch here, of course.

So why don't you guys make
yourselves comfortable over on the couch.

I'll start cooking.

It's quite a surprise. It
certainly is. Excuse me.

Jack!

What is going on? Nothing.

I'm just gonna make you
my special chicken salad.

Why? Why? Uh, why?

To make up for all the
dumb things I said earlier.

Jack... It's the least I can
do. Let me do it for you.

Janet, please, let me, let
me, let, me, please? Oh!

All right. But if you do
anything to spoil this, Jack...

You won't even know I'm
here. Go on out there. Be playful.

Hi again.

It's probably going to be a while
before Jack gets lunch ready.

Oh, I don't mind. Give us a
chance to talk. Oh, I'd like that.

Hors d'oeuvre.

Corn chips?

My people call it maize.

There you go.
There you go. Enjoy.

Hey, let me...

You think I could ask you
a little question, Phil? No.

Isn't she cute? Stop that.

Phil, I was wondering,

is Oriental art valuable?

Oh, sure. It can be.

Even vases?

Oh, they can be priceless!

Jack, shouldn't you be out
there making lunch? In a second.

When you say “priceless,”
what are you talking about?

Are you talking about
$50,000, $100,000?

Jack, lunch! Janet,
don't be rude.

Give the guy a chance
to answer the question.

Go on, give me
a ball-park figure.

It sure is nice of
you kids to drop in.

Well, you know, Mr. Furley, we
never get to see enough of you.

Do we, Terri? No, no, we don't.

No, no, we don't.

Well, thanks. People have
been so darn nice to me today.

Mrs. McGruden
finally paid her rent,

and then Terri gave
me that wonderful vase.

Vase? What vase?

Oh, right over here.

What do you think?

I sure am gonna
miss that painting.

Huh? Yeah, when
you get rid of it.

Get rid of it? Oh, come
on. Don't kid me, Mr. Furley.

A man of your
artistic sense knows

that the representational
tonality of the painting

is totally at odds with
the vertical extension

and harmonious
solidity of the vase.

You noticed that too, huh?

Larry! No, no, no. He knows
what he's talking about.

The painting has got to go.

What color are you
gonna re-paint the wall?

Re-paint?

Yeah, the wall will be
faded where the picture was.

Oh. Yeah, but that's okay,

because you'll want the
color to match the new bar.

New bar? Yeah.

The one that's gonna
show the vase off better.

Wait a minute.
Re-paint, new bar?

This sounds like it's
gonna cost a lot of money.

Gee, Mr. Furley, if
you want to do it right,

I can't think of anything
else you can do.

Well, I can. Get
rid of the vase.

And there was one vase
from the Han Dynasty

that reportedly sold for a
quarter of a million dollars.

A quarter of a
“mill-il-il-io”" dollars?

Of course, it was authentic. It wasn't
an imitation, like the one that Janet got.

What makes you so sure
that that's an imitation?

Well, I did look
at it. Uh-huh. Ah.

Are you an expert
on Oriental art?

No... Then it is possible
that you're wrong.

Jack! It... It is
possible, isn't it?

Well, sure, I
suppose so. Uh-huh.

Look, if you'd like, I can take it
to a friend and get it appraised.

Don't touch the vase!

What is the matter
with you? We got to talk.

We certainly do!
No, Janet. No, Janet.

All right, Jack! We can't let
him take the vase. He'll steal it!

This has gone too far,
Jack. Phillip and I are leaving!

Janet, don't do it. The
first thing you know,

he'll ask to take a drive
with you up the coast.

What? And then...
Then he'll say,

“I know a great little spot
where we can have lunch.”

But you'll end up
parking in a little cove,

and you'll watch the sun set.

You'll give away the
vase, among other things,

and he will throw you away

like yesterday's newspaper!

Look, Jack, I've only got
one thing to say to you. What?

Come on, Phillip.
Let's get out of here.

Oh, great. Say, would you like to
take a nice little ride up the coast?

What? I know this great little
spot where we can have lunch.

Ooh!

Why'd you do that?
Because I don't want to end up

like yesterday's newspaper!

I don't understand!
Just go, please.

But, Janet... You heard
the lady! Get out of here!

I told you that guy was no good.

Jack, you were right.

He only wanted me so
he could get to my vase.

Well, he didn't
get it, did he? No.

I'm telling you, Janet, you've got to
be pretty shrewd to put one over on...

It's gone! The vase is gone!

No, it isn't.

I have all of it right
here. “All of it”?

Oh, no. This does
not sound good.

It's broken! No!

All right, let's just
sit down, Oh, Jack!

Relax, don't panic, okay?

It's fine. We're just gonna
glue this together, that's all.

What do you mean? They
do it in museums all the time.

I'll go get the glue! Thank you.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

There's some writing on this.

“Wan.” It's from
the Wan Dynasty.

Oh, Jack! Look, Jack, look.

Here's some more writing.

“Wantai.” It's a genuine Wantai!

Oh, Jack!

Oh, you have the pieces wrong.

“Taiwan.”

Huh? No, Jack, “made in Taiwan.”

It's an imitation, Jack.

Isn't that what
Phillip said it was?

Oh!

He wasn't interested in me, huh?

Boy, I guess we
misjudged him, didn't we?

“We”? Ooh, Jack, when
I get my hands on you,

You want to be easy. The
blood pressure... I'm gonna...

I got the glue! Oh, good. Because
when I get through with him,

you can put him back together
again. No, Janet, Janet...

Hiya, Janet. Hey, Ter.

How was your lunch
date with Phil? Just great.

I explained everything
to him. What'd he say?

Nothing. He just kissed me.

And he's taking me
out again tonight.

I knew it, I knew it, I knew...

Janet, Janet, you'll never guess
who's parking his car outside. Phil!

Jack... This'll give me a chance to
patch things up between you two.

You don't have to, Jack. I
know I don't have to. I want to.

Listen, by the
time I'm finished,

he'll be eating
out of your hand.

Hey Phil. Come
on in. Hello, Jack.

Come on in. How
you doing? Listen, uh,

about yesterday, I got
to tell you something...

That Janet thought you were
a terrific guy right from the start,

but I let my imagination
run away with me.

You look lovely. Well,
thank you, but I just hope

it's not too late to patch
things up between you two.

Shall we go? Let me tell you
something. Janet's a great girl,

and once you get to know
her, she's tons and tons of fun.

Damn, I tried to tell him,
but he wouldn't listen!

Three's Company was videotaped
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