Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 8, Episode 16 - Jack's Tattoo - full transcript

Jack is in the hospital to have an unwanted tattoo removed but Janet and Mr. Furley think he is having surgery for a different reason.

♪ Come and knock on our door ♪

♪ Come and knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ Where the kisses are
hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪
♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪
♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a loveable space
that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ You'll see that
life is a ball again ♪

♪ Laughter is calling for you ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

Ah. You're awake.
I don't believe this.

You are actually awake.

What are you talking about?

Jack's reunion. Terri,

you slept through the
whole thing last night.

His reunion? That was
downtown at the Blackwell Hotel.

Yeah, huh, it may have started
downtown at the Blackwell Hotel,

but it ended up right here
at 3:00 in the morning.

Jack brought his
Navy buddies here?

No, they brought him,

or I should say
they carried him.

Oh. Well, that was nice of 'em.

Nice? Terri, they
plopped him down

in the middle of the floor,

and proceeded to have
their party all over again.


You should have seen these guys.

They were running around here

with their little
squirting flowers

and their sneezing powder

and their dumb whoopee cushions.

Sounds like I
missed a great party.

You missed a bunch of jerks.

Oh, come on, Janet.

You have to learn
to be more tolerant.


I mean, after all,
boys will be boys.


Those jerks!

Hey, girls, could you
keep the noise down?

I'm not feeling...

Oh, my God, I'm seeing snakes.

Courtesy of your Navy pals.

They were here?

Mm-hmm. Too bad you weren't.

Ohh... Look, I don't want
to talk about this right now.

I need some coffee.

I'm sorry, but the
snakes drank it all.


Too bad. Jack doesn't
have any coffee.


Well, milk is better
for me anyway.

Hey, Jack, tell me something.

Were you and that bunch of jerks

in the Navy together
or reform school?

Why don't you just
give them a break?

They're just some guys
trying to let off a little steam.

They're really a
wonderful bunch...


Look, Janet, he
found the coffee!

That makes me
feel so much better,

I can actually go
and get dressed now.


Oh, sit down. I'll
make you some coffee.

Thank you, Terri. You
really are an... Ow! Ow!

What's the matter?

That's what I'd like to know.

That really hurts.

Woo. Oh.

I had a dog that
used to do that.

Let me look.

No, you will not!
Are you kidding?

Jack, don't be silly.

If something's
wrong, I can help.

Jack Tripper, I'm a nurse!

Oh, my God!

What is it?

I just remembered
what happened last night.


They took me to a tattoo parlor.

Oh, Jack, no.

Yes. I got tattooed.

On your... Yes!


Let me look at it.

No, you're not gonna look at it.

Jack, I told you
that I'm a nurse.

I don't care what you are.

I don't want you
to see it, Terri.

It's... It's ridiculous.

Jack, I have seen
all shapes and sizes.

I'm talking about the tattoo.

What's so special about it?

Promise you won't laugh?

I promise.

It's a heart.

Well, that's not so bad.

And in the middle of it,

it says... The Love Butt.

I'm sorry.

How can you just
stand there laughing

when I'm marked for life?

Oh, take it easy.
Who's gonna see it?

Well, I...


What am I gonna do now?

Have it removed.

They can do that?

I'll call one of the doctors
down at the hospital.

Oh, Terri, bless you, bless you.

It's just a simple
surgical procedure.

Surgical? You mean an operation?

What did you expect, an eraser?

Hello, Angie? Terri Alden. Hi.

Listen, is Dr. Porter there?

Good. I'd like to
speak with him, please.

Thanks. A very
good plastic surgeon.

Hurt me.

Dr. Porter, Terri Alden.

Listen, I have a friend

who would like to have
a tattoo removed, and...

Well, it's on...

It's on... ha ha ha ha!

Why don't I just put
him on the phone?

Just a second.

I got to go to work.

Promise me you won't
mention this to Janet.

Okay, but she's
bound to find out.


Janet always gets to
the bottom of things.

Cheer up, Terri, okay?

Hello, uh, doctor, uh,
yes, uh, this is Jack Tripper,

and, um, I do have a problem.


Yeah, I see.

Uh, tell me, how
large is the tattoo?

Well, that might
require a skin graft.

You'd have to stay overnight.

Well, uh, okay.

Uh, how soon do you
think you can do it?

Oh, no. A month?

Now, I'll tell you what.
I've had a cancellation.

If you can get over
here right away,

I could schedule you
for surgery this afternoon.

This afternoon?

It's open, Larry.

Uh, well, Doctor, I certainly
don't want to wait a whole month.

Um... All right, well, listen.

I'll, uh, I'll come over to
the hospital this afternoon.

Right. Thank you, Doctor. Bye.

What's this about a hospital?

Uh, it's nothing serious, Larry.

Just a little minor surgery.

Hoo! Hold it, pal.

There's no such
thing as minor surgery.

Once they open you up...

Larry, I'm telling you,
it's not serious, okay?

You wouldn't kid
me, would you, pal?

Honestly, it's nothing.


What are they gonna do?

I really would rather
not talk about it.

Do you mind?

Oh, my God. It is serious.


Well, Larry, if you must know,

I got a tattoo.

Oh, my God!

A tattoo?

Right here.

I was out with my
Navy buddies last night,

and at the time...

Yeah, yeah, I don't think

I want to hear any more. Thanks.

So how are they gonna
take it off, sandpaper?

Where are you having it done?

Wilshire Memorial.

Really? I just gave Charlie
Belson a lift over there.

He's having a vasectomy.
Can you believe it?

Well, Larry, this
guy's got eight kids.

Yeah, even so, it gives me the
creeps just thinking about that.

Oh, come on, now, Larry, a
vasectomy is not the end of the world.

Yeah, I know.

If a guy wants to play it safe,

a vasectomy is
the only way to go.

Yeah, I guess. So when are
you going into the hospital?

Well, just as soon as I
can get myself dressed

and throw a few
things into a bag.

Don't let 'em cut too deep.

Hiya, Janet.

How about this
guy, huh? Woo, hee!

Larry, what...

Jack? Jack? What's going on?

Not you, too. I don't
want you to worry.

It's just a little
minor surgery.


Yeah, and in a few days,

I'll be back in circulation.

This is nothing to joke about.

I don't think you should do it.

Janet, the arrangements
are already made.

Listen, can I borrow
your little suitcase?

The zipper on
mine isn't working.

I don't think your
head is working!

I don't have time for this.

Are you gonna lend
me your suitcase or not?

Ooh... It's in the
bottom of my closet.

But I got a bunch
of my clothes in it.

I'll empty it.

Oh, Janet, could you get
me my shaving stuff together?

Jack, I don't think you've
given this enough thought!

Janet, please!

Okay, okay, okay.

But, Jack, we're gonna
talk some more about this!

I'll get it.

Oh, hi, Mr. Furley.

Jack, what's the
matter with you?


Larry told me you're
going into the hospital.

Oh, that big mouth.

But he didn't tell me what for.

Now, to me, that
sounds very serious.

No, no, no, Mr. Furley. It's
just a little minor surgery.

Oh, well, that's a relief.

Excuse me. I got
to go get dressed.

What kind of surgery? Hmm?

Tonsils? Appendix?

It's not that big a deal.


Having your ears pierced?

Mr. Furley, if you must know,

I'm getting rid of something
I never should have had.

Something you never
should have had...

Look, Mr. Furley, I'd love
to talk to you about this,

but I've really got to go.

Oh, shoot.

Jack, what are you doing?

Excuse me, Mr. Furley...

What are you doing?

No, nothing like that.

Here, Jack.


Jack, I think we should sit down

and talk this over.

Sitting down is the last
thing I want to do. Excuse me.

But, Jack...

Oh, I'll get it, I'll
get it, I'll get it.

Yes? We've got to stop him.

What? We can't let
him have an operation.

You know about that?

Yes. You've got to talk to him.

I've tried to
talk him out of it!

Well, try harder!

You can do it, Janet.
I know you can.

'Cause once you start naggin',

you just never stop.

Mr. Furley...

I got to hand it to you, Janet.

You can drive a
guy right up the wall.

Mr. Furley!

I know, because I've
given in to you lots of times

just to shut you up.

Okay, okay. You made your point.

Good. I knew I
could count on you.

Now go get him,

'cause the next time I see Jack,

I want to see Jack,
not Jacqueline.

What? Mr. Furley,
what are you...

Mr. Furley!

I'm on my way.

Wait a minute, Jack.

Janet, I'm in a hurry.

Jack, aren't you
being awfully selfish?


Well, have you
thought about the way

this is going to
affect other people?

What other people?

You do intend to get
married some day, don't you?

Sure, of course,
but what does that...

Well, what do you think

your wife is gonna
say about this?



'Cause I'm never gonna tell her.



Oh, it's you, Terri.

Are you all right?

Not really.

Terri, why is the guy in
the next room moaning?

He just saw his bill.

Oh, come on, you're not worried
about the operation, are you?



Oh, believe me, it's nothing.

The doctor could do it

with one arm tied
behind his back.

Really? Mm-hmm.

But he won't, will he?

Oh, Jack.

It's just that I...

Hello, Doctor Porter. Hi, Terri.

I... Jack. Jack,
you'll be all right.

I'll see you later.

So, Jack, how are we doing?

Well, I'm, uh...

Uh, Doctor, who
are all these people?

Oh, they're interns.
They're here to observe.

Now, if you'll just roll over...

Doctor, Doctor, a couple
of them are women.

Oh, Jack, there are
no men or women here,

only doctors.

Oh, well, uh,

could you ask the
doctors with the dresses

to please leave the room for me?

Jack, please, come on.

There's no need
to be embarrassed.

This is just routine to us.

Oh, my God.

All right. Now, as you can see,

the patient has a
heart-shaped tattoo

on the lower gluteus maximus,


with an inscription.

Yeah... The Love Butt.

Dr. Fairmont, are you
here to learn or not?

I'm sorry.

I can assure you this
is nothing to joke about.

The man has a very serious...

I'm so... I'm sorry.

I... I've just never
seen "The Love Butt"

this far south before.

No. No.

It won't happen again, son.


Dr. Fairmont, how
would you, uh...

proceed in this case?

Well, I would make an incision

from here to here,
then down to here,

then up through here.


Excuse me.

Dr. Philips, report to ICU.

Oh. Excuse me, please.

I'm looking for Jack Tripper.

Uh, he's in Room 309,

but the doctor's with him now.

Oh. Uh, thanks. I'll just wait.

Thank you. Thanks.

Excuse me. Can I
leave my baby with you

while I visit my husband?

Oh, I'm sorry. It's
against the rules.

But they said I wasn't
allowed to take him in with me.

I'm sorry.

Nurse White to...

Uh, excuse me.


Would you watch my baby for me?


Please? It'll only
be five minutes.

Oh, no. I'm sorry. I really...

Yes, I'd be very happy to.

Oh, thank you.

Sure. Oh, hi.

You won't have any
trouble with Timmy.

He's a very good baby.

I can see that.

Thank you. Sure.

Timmy, you may not know it,

but you are gonna get
through Jack's thick skull.

Yeah. Okay, okay.

Hi, Jack.

Look what I've got.

Janet, I didn't even
know you were engaged.

Come on. I'm just
watching him for somebody.

Oh, hi.

Isn't he precious? Yeah.

Well, if you can't find
a Cabbage Patch Doll,

this is pretty good.


His name is Timmy. Hey, Timmy.

Would you like to hold him?

No, no, no. I don't think so.

I know you'll be great at this.

Well, maybe. Hello.

There you go. Hi, guy.

Oh, Jack, you look so sweet.

He's got a little button...
He's pretty cute, isn't he?

I knew you'd like him.


309? Thank you.

Mr. Furley! Here to see Jack?

No, I'm here to
stop his operation.

Believe me, Terri,

he wouldn't be one
bit happier as a woman.

What are you talking about?

Jack! You...

You shouldn't fool
around with Mother Nature,

even if she did
screw up the first time.

Mr. Furley!

Believe me. Look, I
may not be a doctor,

but I do know plumbing.

Once you start fooling
around with those pipes...

Oh, Mr. Furley, that's
not why Jack's here.

It isn't? No!

Well, then, why is he here?

Well, I can tell you Jack
doesn't want anyone to know,

but he made a mistake,

and he's very ashamed about it,

and he's come here
to have it taken care of.

Yeah, but...

I'm sorry. I have
to go back to work.

I'll see you later.

Why won't anybody tell
me what he's here for?

♪ Rockabye baby
on the tree top ♪


♪ When the wind blows,
the cradle will rock ♪

Oh, my God!

What's going on here?

That's what I'd like to know!

Would you please leave?

I have to attend
to this patient.

Mother's Day will
never be the same!

You, too, and take
the baby with you.

Oh, uh, well, see...

I have to prepare
him for surgery.

No, you don't. He's
changed his mind, right, Jack?

No, I haven't.

What? Didn't little
Timmy do anything to you?

Well, he wet on me a
little bit, but that'll dry.

Oh! Honestly, Jack, honestly!

You're gonna have
to forgive Janet.

You know, hospitals
make some people nervous.

What is that?

That's just a little
something to help you relax.

Well, it isn't working.

Oh, it will, it will.

Now, come on. A few seconds,

and you won't have
a care in the world.

Will it hurt?

Oh, now, Mr. Tripper,

I've been giving these
shots for over 20 years.


And it hurts, every time.

Good God Almighty!


in just a few minutes,

you're gonna feel a lot better.

First you make me
think it's not gonna hurt.

Now you tell me it's
gonna make me feel...

So good! Ohh!

Well, I have to be going now.

Oh, thank you.
You are so beautiful.

Why do they always
have to get a shot

before they say that?

♪ La-ahh ♪

♪ Da ba da hi ♪

♪ Ooh hi, ooh hi ♪


Woo, Janet, you are beautiful.

Thanks, Jack. I
have to talk to you.

Talk to me, Mama.


You want to have a baby
of your own, don't you?

Well, sure.

Well, then we have to act now.

Okeydoke. Hop in.

Come on, please. I'm serious.

Oh, so am I.

Jack. Jack.

Jack, sit up.

Jack! Jack.

Oh, no! Oh, please!

Jack, you've got
to listen to me!

Shh! I'm listening.


Jack, I really care for you.

And I care for
you, too, little Janet.

Oh, Jack, you may think

that what you're doing
is the right thing now,

but as time goes by...

♪ You must remember this ♪

♪ A kiss is still a kiss ♪


♪ A sigh is still a sigh ♪


Here's lookin' at
you, sweetheart.

Oh, Jack, we have got
to get you out of here.


Because, Jack, we can't wait.

The gurney's on the way.

♪ The gurney's on the way ♪

♪ The gurney's on the way ♪

♪ Heigh-ho, the gurney... ♪


No! No, no, please!

Jack, wake up.
Jack... no, wake up.

Jack. Jack. Wake up.

You've got to stay awake, Jack.

Sit up. Stay.

Put these on. Put these on.

There y'are.


They go on your
feet, Jack. Here.

Oh, you're so smart.

Oh, thanks, Jack.

I'll always remember you, Janet.

No. Get up, Jack.
Get up, please, Jack.

Give me your hand, Jack.

Give me your hand in here.

No, no, Jack. Don't play games.

Just bend it back.
That's it, Jack.

Just bend it back.
That's it, Jack.

That's it.

Where is Terri when I need her?

Jack, Jack, get up.

Jack, you've got to get up.

Jack, you... Wow, Jack!


It's impossible.

Oh, Mr. Furley, here.
Sit down and relax.


And don't go wandering
into the ladies' room again.

I must have been dreaming.


That Jack had a baby.

Oh, Mr. Furley!

It even looked like him.

Oh, Mr. Furley, Jack's here
just to have a tattoo removed.




Jack, please, you
are all dressed now.

Oh, gosh. Okay?

Where are we going?

We are going home.

Going home.

We there yet?

No, Jack, please, to the door.

Oh! What are you doing?

Terri, I'm so glad to see you.

You got to help me
get Jack out of here.

But he's going into surgery.

No, he isn't. We're
gonna cancel it.


Why? You want him
to have a vasectomy?

A vasectomy? He's
having a tattoo removed!

A tattoo? What tattoo?

The one his Navy
buddies gave him

when he wasn't looking.

Well, why didn't
he tell me about it?

Because he was too embarrassed.

Embarrassed? Terri, what's
there to be embarrassed about?

I'll show ya!


Here we are, darlin'.

Oh, thank you, Terri.

You're welcome, sweets.

It's open, Larry.

Hi, gang.

Hey, Lar. Hi.

I see The Love
Butt's in dry dock.


Hee hee hee! Only kidding, pal.

Hey! Larry!


Sorry. I thought it
was the other cheek.

Oh, you're so very funny.

What's the matter, Jack?
Can't you take a joke?

Mmm. Mm-mm-mm,
that coffee smells good.

Would you like a cup?

I would love one.

Terri. Hmm?

Why don't you get
Larry some coffee

in that special Navy mug

that my friends left
here the other night?

I'd be glad to, Jack.


Excuse me, Lawrence.

Thank you, Terri.

Can't stay long, pal.

Just came by to cheer you up.

Well, you're doing
a great job so far.

Thank you. I appreciate that.

Jack, do you remember
that girl Charlene

that you've been wanting
me to fix you up with?


She's been getting
very, very lonely.

She has?

Yes, she has.

So I'm taking her out tonight.

Hoo hoo hoo!

Don't touch me!

Would you leave
him alone, Larry?

He just had an operation.

What did they do, remove
his sense of humor?

I mean, if you
can't take a joke...

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

Three's Company was videotaped
in front of a studio audience.