Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 7, Episode 7 - Cousin, Cuisine - full transcript

[Man] ♪ Come and
knock on our door ♪

[Woman] ♪ Come and
knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

[Both] ♪ Where the kisses
are hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪
♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪
♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a loveable space
that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ You'll see that
life is a ball again ♪



♪ Laughter is calling for you ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

[doorbell rings]

Coming!

[laughing] Felipe!

Jefe! Come on in!

Oh, thank you.

Good to see you again.

Good to see you,
too. Long time no see.

Si. A long time.

Won't you sit down?



Fantastico couch.

Well.

How's everything
down at Angelino's?

Oh... is not the same.

Not like when you
were the head chef.

Oh... Is much better. [laughs]

Is just a little joke. Yeah.

So, listen. Everything
is good with you, yes?

Oh, yeah. And you?

How's the family?

Oh... you don't want to know.

Oh. Okay.

You don't want to know?

Well, of course. What's
the matter, Felipe?

My cousin from Mexico

needs a place to stay
for just a few days.

Gee, you know, I'd
love to help... Oh!

Jefe! I knew I
could count on you!

No. I can't put up your cousin.

No. Felipe... Wait!
No! It's not possible!

First, there's not enough
room for him here.

Second, it wouldn't be
fair to Janet and Terri.

And, third... Ah! My cousin.

She can't stay more
than three days.

Four, tops. A week at the most.

Si, si. [speaking Spanish]

Si. Yes. [speaking Spanish]

Si, si. [speaking Spanish]

Merci. [laughs]

[speaking Spanish] Okay?

[speaking Spanish]

I told her, be a good girl.

Well, you didn't
have to tell her that.

No, I mean I can see that
she's a... [clears throat]

a-a very good girl.

Oh, ho-ho. Thank you, Jefe.

You're welcome. You
know, you are a great friend.

Well? Hasta la bye-bye!

Come in. Come in.

Well, well, well, well.

Welcome to my apartment.

Mi apartment.

Me, Maria.

[laughs] No, no, no.

I'm Jack. This is my apartment.

You do speak English.

Yes? Oh, good. Because
I wouldn't wanna spend

the whole night telling
you how lovely you are,

if you didn't understand
a word I said.

[speaking Spanish]

You don't speak English.

Yes?

[chuckles] Okee-dokee.

Well, let me just...

I'll take this from
you, and then, uh...

I think you'll be
sleeping in this...

You wanna come? Over here?

This is la bedrooma, here.

[speaking Spanish]

See, it's got
everything you need.

Pillows. El
mattress. Very firmo.

Right there. And, of course,
in here is la closetoria.

I'll just be getting these,
because I'll be out on the sofa.

If you're gonna be here,
I've... so... [chuckles]

[clears throat] I guess
I'll be going, unless...

you want me for anything.

That's what I thought. Okay.

Well, I'll be out
there if you...

Good night.

Mmm.

Jack?

Jack? Hmm?

[speaking Spanish]

Huh? [speaking Spanish]

[speaking Spanish]

Dulces? Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm.

[speaking Spanish] Oh, lordy.

[speaking Spanish] Mmm.

Wait. I can't go in there.

What if Janet and
Terri come home?

[speaking Spanish].
Well, see, uh...

How can I make you understand.

Larry's Spanish dictionary.

I'll go... I'm going upstairs
to get a dictionario.

So I can... we can...

Look. You just hang on.
I'll be right backo. Okay?

Hang on. One second.

Just forget it.

Boy, you sure are a poor sport.

Look. That's the last time

I'm gonna play
doubles tennis with you.

But, Janet... Those
were very cute guys.

We coulda had dates with
them, if you woulda let 'em win.

Well, I'm sorry. I don't
usually play that well.

Well... did you have to jump
over the net after we beat 'em?

Oh, yeah.

Poor Bob.

Yeah. What a place to kick him.

Poor, poor Bob.

So here we are. No dates.

I don't think Bob will be
going out tonight, either.

Not with that swollen ankle.

I'm just gonna go put this
racket away in Jack's room.

Aah! No!

No no no no. Don't
bother to get up.

I'm-I'm so sorry.

[laughing]

Janet!

Janet, Janet, Janet!
What, what, what?

There's somebody
sleeping in Jack's bed.

Terri. Did you leave
the porridge out again?

There's a woman
sleeping in Jack's bed.

Terri, come on. You
are seeing things.

And so am I. [groans]

Hi. We don't mean

to disturb you,
but... Who are you?

Yeah. [Jack] Maria?

We're all set. There's
nothing standing in our...

Whu...? Jack!

Hi, Terri. Hi, Janet.

I didn't really... I thought...

So? What's she doing in there?

Just wait a minute.

Before you start thinking
what you're thinking,

I know what you're thinking.

Maria happens to
be Felipe's cousin,

and he asked me to
put her up for a few days.

Oh, sure, Jack.

Why didn't she tell us that?

Because she can't speak English.

That's why I borrowed
this Spanish dictionary.

[huffs] [Janet] Oh.

Oh.

So, if you two girls
will excuse me,

I'm gonna make
myself some hot cocoa

before I go to sleep on
that hard, lumpy sofa.

[huffs]

[knocks softly]
Maria? Can I come in?

[Maria] Yes.

At last, we're...

[screams] all together again!

How you doin'?

Hello there, Jack.

We're all outta cocoa.

So I thought I'd, uh...

We were just teaching
Maria some English.

Yes, Maria.

Tell Jack the new
word that you learned.

No.

[fake laugh]

Well... Good morning.

Hey! Your English has
improved over the last few days.

[speaking Spanish] I said
your English has... never mind.

Lemme help you with this.
See, it's all in the wrists.

You wanna make sure you get
every bit. And go away from the sides...

Jack!

Look. I was just demonstrating

kitchen skills to
uh, uh... Maria.

Yeah. Uh, Maria?
Pass the salt, please?

[speaking Spanish]

Oh. Uh, uh...
Pasame el, el zapato.

El zapato?

Si. El zapato. Pronto, pronto.

[chuckles]

That means, "hurry, hurry".

Okay.

Gracias...

What's this?

That's a zapato, dummy.

[speaking Spanish]

Okay. I was finished
with it, anyway.

Zapato? Hmm...

Maria? We are really going
to miss you when you go.

[speaking Spanish]

Oh. Jack? Help. Oh, uh...

We... nosotros...
Nosotros... Um...

Nosostros... extranar...

Nosotros extranar you.

[crying]

Oh, excuse me. Hi, Maria.

What's the matter with her?

I don't know. Let's go find out.

Maria?

Que es su problema?

[speaking Spanish] Whoa.

Slow down a minute.

Mexico. Uh. Uh, Mexico...
[speaking Spanish]

[speaking Spanish]

Oh, no... Poor Maria.

Here it is. M-E-X-I... Jack...

[sighs] Maria just told us

that her fiancé broke
off their engagement

at the very last minute.

He did?

She came here to
start a whole new life.

How do you girls know this?

Jack. You don't have
to speak Spanish

to know what's in
a woman's heart.

Well, what else
did her heart say?

She's gotta go back to Mexico.

And she doesn't want to.

Well, maybe she doesn't have to.

Oh, what choice
does she have, Jack?

She has no money, no job...

She would if I gave
her one in my restaurant.

Huh? Would you do that?

Talk to me. [both] Ohh!

Oh, look what time it is.

Janet, you and I
have gotta go to work.

I'll see you girls later. Later!

Bye-bye! [chatter]

[Janet and Terri]
Bye, Maria! Bye-bye.

Maria? How would you like it

if I fixed it so you didn't
have to go to Mexico?

[speaking Spanish]

No. No Mexico.

You stay here.

[speaking Spanish]

Yeah. Aqui. With me.

[speaking Spanish]

Yeah! Yeah. See,
you'll work for me.

You'll clean for me.

You'll cook for me.

[speaking Spanish]

Yeah, right! Casar
conmigo! [laughs]

[speaking Spanish]

Oh... You said it.

Oh, boy. I should have
thought of this sooner.

Listen... [doorbell rings]

You can start tonight, alright?

That's it.

[gasps] Felipe!

Jefe! Come on in.

Maria! [sighs]

Mmm. Mmm. [Spanish]

So listen. How is
my little cousin doing?

Ask her yourself. I'll go
make us some coffee.

So? [speaking Spanish]

You kidding? He has
asked you to marry him?

Si.

That's fantastico!

Hey, Felipe? Do you
want cream in your coffee?

Ehh... Jefe! [smooches]

Actually, it's
only half-and-half.

Heh. Maria has told
me the good news.

[speaking Spanish]

Okay. Gracias.

Oh... [smooches]

Hasta luego. Bye-bye.

She's so sweet.
Where's she going?

She is going to the
Office of Immigration.

Thanks to you, jefe, she
can stay in the country.

Oh... Oh, jefe. I promise you.

You will not be
disappointed with Maria.

I'm sure I won't be.

Even though she doesn't
have much experience.

Is that not what you want?

No! Uh... oh?

See, what I'll do is, I'll try
her out first in the kitchen.

Then, if she's any good, I'll see
what she can do in the dining room.

What?

Well, you know. We gotta
start somewhere, Felipe!

But don't worry. If she doesn't
know what to do, I'll teach her.

And if I don't have time, I'll
get someone else to teach her.

Whoa! Hey hey hey hey!

You are not marrying Maria!

Me, marry Maria?

[howls] Never! Never!

Maria must have
thought... wait a minute!

Felipe! You don't understand!

I don't understand!
Don't understand!

[animal sound]
[speaking Spanish]

[speaking Spanish]

What's eatin' him?

He thinks I proposed.

No wonder he was in a
hurry to get outta here.

Not to him. To his
cousin, Maria, Mr. Furley.

It's just a big mistake.

You're tellin' me!

I dunno. I...

I guess I'm gonna
have to explain to Maria

that it was just a big,
big misunderstanding.

Yeah. That's the
best thing, Jack.

[sighs] Too bad, though.

Mexico would have
been perfect for you. Huh?

Well, if there's one thing
they love down there,

it's a gay caballero.

[howls with laughter]

[fake laugh]

That sounds pretty good to me.

Hi, Jack. Hi, Jack.

So did you offer Maria the job?

Uh-huh. And?

And she expects me to marry her.

Had to throw in a bonus, huh?

Terry, I'm not kidding.

She really expects
me to marry her.

Well, how did that happen?

I guess when I
offered her the job,

she must have
thought I was proposing

Oh, no! Poor... Maria!

Hello there.

Hello, I'm Mr. Sanchez from
the Department of Immigration.

Oh, yes. Please come
in. Come in Mr. Sanchez

Thank you. Thank you very much.

What can we do for you, sir?

Miss Gomez has indicated to us
that she plans to be married and I...

Married?

Maria, you're getting married!
Oh, Maria, congratulations.

That means that you
can stay in the country.

That's the law.

A toast, to Maria
and her new husband.

And where is Mr. Tripper?

I'm Jack Tripper.

Jack? Shh.

Uh, Mr. Tripper. You'll
have to forgive my intruding.

In my line of work you
run into a lot of cheaters.

Cheaters?

By the way, what
happens to them?

They go to jail.

So, according to Maria,
you are to be married.

What's going on here?

Uh, it's a little
complicated... Jack?

Just finish your drink.
Finish your drink.

Mr. Sanchez, uh, look.

Uh... about my marrying Maria.

Mm-hmm... [speaking Spanish]

[laughs]

[Both laugh]

What'd she say?

She says you're a saint,

that if it hadn't been for you,

she would've thrown
herself off the nearest bridge.

Now, what were you
saying about marrying Maria?

Do you know a good caterer?

Very gross.

I'm so sorry! Please forgive me!

I'm... I'm really so sorry,

but, um, could you excuse
us for a second, please?

Forgive me! I'm so sor... oh!

Janet has got to learn
not to shoot her mouth off.

Yes. Uh... may I use
your bathroom, please?

Please, Mr. Sanchez.

Right through
there, Mr. Sanchez.

Thank you very much. So sorry.

Filipo!

Oh... man! Well, Manuel?

I hope you have
not arrived too late.

Now, I want you to go up there

and fight for... For
the woman you love.

Que?

[speaking Spanish] el gringo!

Ah! Ah.

[speaking Spanish excitedly]

Aahh!

[speaking Spanish] Aaahh!

Manuel! Manuel! Basta!

Not that gringo.

That gringo.

Ah! Ah.

[speaking Spanish]

[mispronouncing]
Uh... gracias, kimosabe.

[speaking Spanish]

Muy bien. Muy bien.

Aaahh!

He must be lookin' for Jack.

Oh, now don't you
worry about a thing.

Everything's
going to be all right.

Okay, Maria? [doorbell]

Okay, now.

Honest. Don't you worry.

Well! Hello!

Manuel! Maria!

[speaking Spanish]

[speaking Spanish]

Maria. [speaking Spanish]

Yo? I see. Mmm!

[speaking Spanish]

Maria... No. Manuel. Manuel. No!

Manuel.

Maria...

You mean that...
that... that Maria

thought you were
asking her to marry you?

Yes! And if that
guy from immigration

thinks Maria's lyin' to him,

they're gonna drag
that poor girl off.

Oh, Jack, Come on.

Nobody's gonna
drag that poor girl off.

Now, Come on. We've
got to go out there

and tell the truth. You think?

Yes.

Oh, my God! So they're not

gonna drag her off,
huh? Wait a minute!

Stop! You're not going anywhere

with the woman I love!

You see that? We
love each other!

Does that satisfy you?

It most certainly does.

Uh, congratulations,
you two. Good-bye.

Hey. wait a minute.

Don't forget to take

your orangutan
partner here with you.

Oh, he's not with me.

He's not with you?

[Sanchez] Nope.

Who are you, sir?

This is Maria's fiancé.

[chuckles] Oh.
Pleased to meet you.

[screaming indistinctly]

Manuel... Stop him! Stop him!

Jack doesn't want to marry her!

Manuel! Manuel! Basta!

Hold the phone, buster!

Wait a minute.

[speaking Spanish]

[speaking Spanish]

Okay?

[grudgingly] Okay!

Okay.

Okay!

Well, thank you to
me, everything is okay.

Uh... uh, Jack, um...

Maria... you... uh, listen.

You don't have to say anything.

'Cause if you did

I probably wouldn't
understand it anyway.

Mira, muchas gracias
por todo. Okay?

Hey, listen, I...

Let... thank you.
Yes. I was going

to ask you to...

I'm just gonna say good-bye
to the woman. Do you mind?

Gohhh...

Maria, I really
enjoyed meeting you,

and have a nice tr... trip.

Oh, Maria... [speaking Spanish]

Uh-huh. My... Muchas gracias.

Hasta luego.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

[Everyone] Bye-bye.

[speaking Spanish]

Good luck!

Bye-bye.

Ohhh... jefe!

Shame. Shame,
shame, shame, shame.

Filipe, it was a
misunderstanding.

When I offered Maria
the job at the restaurant,

she thought I was proposing.

Oh, jefe, that make
me feel so much better!

I'm glad.

Because I have another cousin

who came with Manuel

who has no place to stay.

Really?

Forget it, Jack.

No way.

Oh, that's too bad.

I think you would
like my cousin.

No! No!

Oh, okay. Ah. Roberto.

My cousin.

No way, Filipe!

Shut up, Jack! Shut up, Jack!

Oh. [laughs] Sorry.

Sorry, Roberto. I, uh,

didn't know that you
were in the shower.

We just wanted to make
sure you had clean towels.

Get out here!
What are you doin'?

Well, after all, I am a nurse.

Ohh!

Besides, he was behind
the shower curtain.

I know. But isn't he gorgeous?

Whoo! [laughs]

And with Jack at
work, we have him

to ourselves the
rest of the evening.

Whoo! I know, I know.

[doorbell chimes]

Terri, whoever that
is, get rid of 'em.

Get rid of 'em!

Get rid of 'em, get rid of 'em,

get rid of' em.

♪ Hi, Mr. Furley ♪

Hi, girls. Hello.

I just came up to see

if Maria and Jack
are still gettin' married.

No, no, no, Mr. Furley.

Everything's all
straightened out now.

Good night, Mr. Furley.

You know... I had a
Spanish girlfriend once.

Mr. Furley, I, uh...
A real Latin spitball.

Don't you mean a "spitfire"?

Who's tellin' this story?

Anyway, this
little senorita and I

were at the Half Peso Cantina
down on the border one night,

when... Buenos nochas.

[sighs] [sighs]

Mr. Furley...

Janet, you're interupting
the story again!

Now, where was
I? Darn! I forgot.

You can't tell a story
when people keep buttin' in

like that all the time.

By the way, that Maria

is one of the homliest
women I ever saw.

Aah! Ahh!

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

Three's Company was videotaped
in front of a studio audience.