Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 7, Episode 3 - Diamond Jack - full transcript

Jack's blind date turns out to be a jewel thief.

[Man] ♪ Come and
knock on our door ♪

[Woman] ♪ Come and
knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

[Both] ♪ Where the kisses
are hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪
♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪
♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a loveable space
that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ You'll see that
life is a ball again ♪

♪ Laughter is calling for you ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

There's nothing
to eat around here.

Ah! Cookies!

Cookie! Cookie!

"Property of Janet Wood.

Eat these and die."

[doorbell rings]

Hi, Lar. Come
on in. I can't stay.

I just came down to pay
you back that $10 I owe you.

Larry, you just
borrowed it yesterday.

As long ago as that?

I'm so ashamed.

Oh! Dang it! I almost forgot.

I have this little problem.

Somehow I wound up
with two dates for tonight.

Only two? Gee,
you must be slipping.

Hey, come on, partner.
You gonna help me out?

Yeah, you can use my phone
to break one of your dates.

I already broke it.

Then what's the problem?

I fixed her up with you.

Oh, no way, Larry!

Jack, this date
won't cost you a cent.

She will invite you back to
her house and cook dinner.

I'm telling you, Jack,
you have not lived

until you have
tasted her lasagna.

I'm not interested
in her lasagna.

It's good thinking. Go
straight for the dessert.

Will you get out of here!

She will call you
later, all right?

Oh! One more thing. Now what?

I'm gonna need
that $10 for tonight.

Larry! Hey! Hey! Oh, Larry!

Hi, Jack.

If there's one thing I can't
stand it's a freeloader.

Oh? Then how come
you're eating my cookies?

Oh, I'm sorry. You want some?

No, thank you.

Why not? Just because I ate one?

No, Jack. It's just
they weren't green

when I hid them two years ago.



Don't worry, Jack.
If you get sick,

we'll take all your messages.

Oh, that's very comforting.

What are you talking about?

We got a new telephone
answering machine.


Well, with the three of
us working all the time,

who knows how
many calls we miss.

We don't need an
answering machine.

Some of those calls
could be from girls.

What are you waiting
for? Turn it on! Turn it on!

Jack, I'll record a
message right now.

Hello. This is Janet Wood.

Wait a minute. How
come you get to do it?

She's right, Janet.

We need somebody
with a good voice.

What's wrong with my voice?

Well, nothing. It's just...

gets a little squeaky at times.

[squeaky voice] What?

He's right, you know,

[sexy voice] Hi.

So sorry, but we're
not at home right now.

If you'd be so kind to leave your
name at the sound of the tone,

we'll get back to you as
soon as we can, I promise.

[kiss] Good-bye for now.

What was that?

I was just trying
to sound friendly.

Friendly? You sounded naked.

Move over. Move over.

[both yelling]

Let me try it, all right?

Let me try it.

What do I push?

Rewind here. Rewind.

Go for it.

Hello. This is Jack
Tripper saying...

♪ I've been a puppet, a pauper,
a pirate, a poet... huah... ♪

♪ A pawn and a king ♪

♪ I've been up and
down and over and out ♪

♪ And I know one thing ♪

Everybody! ♪ Each time... ♪

Maybe not.


Hi. This is Jack Tripper.

No, no. Wait. Wait. What?

I just think that since there
are three people living here,

it should say, like, um...

"If you are calling
for Jack or Janet..."

Oh, I got ya. Okay.
Okay. Rewind.

Hello. If you are calling
for Jack or Janet or Terri,

we're all taking a
shower right now.

Call back in a few...

Jack, would you be serious!

[laughs] Rewind it.

Ready? Yes.

Sorry we can't come
to the phone right now.

Please leave your message
at the sound of the beep.

Well, that might do it.

It's kinda dull, but not bad.

Dull? You're...
[telephone rings]

Let the machine answer it.

What do you do?

Oh, here, wait.
Put this over here...

Our first call! Whoo!

[Jack, on answering machine] Sorry
we can't come to the phone right now.

Please leave your message
at the sound of the beep.

I wonder who it is. Shh! Shh!


[Woman] Hi. My name's Rita.

Oh, this must be the
date Larry set me up with.

[Rita] We don't know each other,

but I've heard great
things about you.

If you could meet me at
4:00 at the Venice roller rink,

it'll really be
worth your while.

Look for a tall brunette
at the snack bar,

and I'll be wearing
a black leotard

and a little blue skating skirt.

A little blue skating skirt!

She sounds cheap to me.

I hope so. I'm
down to my last $20.

♪♪ [organ]

Are you sure we can trust him?

I don't like giving these
diamonds to a stranger.

Relax, will ya? Joe
gave me his word.

This guy's the best
fence in the business.

And besides, we need him.

The cops picked
up Louie last night.

Okay, okay, I'll do it.

I'll wait in the car.

Be careful how
you slip him the ice.

You never know who's watching.

Yeah, right.

Oh! Oh! Oohhh!


Terribly sorry.

Hi... Whoa! Whoa!

[laughs] Hi. You must be Rita.

You must be in pain.

It's these darn rental skates.

Somebody went and
put wheels on 'em.

Excuse me.

Let me help you.

I can do it. I can do it.

See that?

You sound even better in person.

Nice to meet you. I'm...

The best. So I've heard.

You... You have?

Well, I'm not the actual
very best, but, uh...

Come on, come
on. Don't be modest.

Then again, who am I to argue?

No, I can do this.

Oh, did you feel that tremor?

Listen, I've got some
really hot stuff for you.

I just hope you can handle it.

[high-pitched voice]
So do I. I mean...

I can. I can. [coughs]

[regular voice] I can. Sure.

Um, my throat's a little dry.

Would you care for a cold drink?


Why don't you go grab a table

and I'll bring it
on over to you.

Okay. Okay.

Stand still, will ya?

Listen, uh...

I'd like two un-colas, please.

What are they, 50 cents apiece?

Keep the change.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

I'm coming right through here.


If I could just...
I just have to...

Special delivery. Oops!

Right here.


Do you have enough ice?

[coughs] Shh!

[whispering] Do you
have enough ice?

I've got plenty, but the whole
world doesn't have to know it.

No, of course not.
Whatever you...

Whatever you say.


Now, where are we
gonna meet later?

I'm sorry. La-La-Late... Later?

Well, we're not
gonna do it here.

Of course not, not
on roller skates.

So where can we meet?

Um... Do you live nearby, maybe?

Oh, I'm very close.

Great. Why don't you
give me your address here.


Uh... Apartment 201.

Second floor. You guess?

Okay. There you are.

Thanks. You're so welcome!

Okay. How does 6:00 sound?

I've always loved 6:00.

Kiss me.


Kiss me.

You catch that? Easy.

She just slipped the
stuff into his pocket.

Shall we bust him now?

Nah. We'll grab him
later with all the others.

I just gave it to you.

You certainly did.

Hey, Mabel! Look what I found!

No, not that.

Why don't we go see that movie?

Oh, no, Terri. I think
we better go see a movie

that Jim and Tom will like.


You know what happens
when guys don't like a movie.

Their minds start to wander...

and so do their hands.


Boy, was that a fast date.

She sure was.

What? It's not over yet.

She's coming over
here later tonight.

So you two can do me a big favor

and make like a tree and leave.

Well, actually, Jack,
we were planning...

I don't care. Look, why don't you
just go see a movie or something.

Jack... Here's a triple
bill at the drive-in.

Just let us tell you,
Jack, we were planning...

Why do you have to argue?

Is it too much to do
me one lousy favor?

Go to a movie. Big deal.

Look, I'll even
pay for it, okay?

Here, Terri, I want you
to have it. Go ahead.

Jack! Not enough? All right.

Here's some money
for some popcorn.

Okay, okay, and a
snack after the movie.

That's it.

Jack! Jack!

What more do you want?


We just wanted to tell
you that Tom and Jim

are taking us to
the movies tonight.

Dates? You have dates?

That's right! Yeah.

Uh... uh... Hey! Hey!

What about the
money I just gave you?

Looks good. Ha ha!

Thank you so much, Jack.

Yes, thank you, Jack.

Well, you're both so
very extremely welcome.

[door closes] Tramps.

Rita. Rita, Rita.

Rita, Rita, Rita, Rita, Rita.

Rita. Rita, Rita.



Oh, my God!

Don't move!

Janet! Terri!

Terri, quick! On my bed!

Get out of here!

Janet! Janet!

What is it, Jack?
My bedroom! Quick!

[both] What?

There! Look! Diamonds!


Where did you get these?

They were in my pocket.

Ha ha! And you think
these are real diamonds?

Yeah, Jack. I mean somebody
must be playing a joke on you.

You can tell by
looking they're not real.


Come on. Look...

Real diamonds will cut glass.


Maybe it's not real glass.

Jack, where did you get these?

Um... Rita.

Rita. Rita must have
put these in my pocket.

By why would she
give you diamonds?

Maybe she liked
the way I kissed.

Jack! Be serious!

What do you know
about this Rita?

Nothing. She was Larry's date.

Then we know one thing. What?

She has bad taste.

Jack, you could be in trouble.

These diamonds could be stolen.

Come on, come on. You're
dead wrong about my Rita.

[doorbell rings]
That's Rita now.

She'll straighten
this whole thing out.

Now, listen, do me a favor and
put these back in the pouch, okay?

Okay. Okay.

Rita! Boy, am I glad to see you.

Did you lose some diamonds?

[laughs] See, Tony? I told
you he played dumb real good.

Who you calling dumb?

Who you calling Tony?

Hi ya.

Come on in.

Let's get right
down to business.

What is the stuff worth?


How much you gonna
give us for the diamonds?

Come on! We got
no time to waste.

Everything all straightened out?

Uh... No.

What's the opposite of straight?


What's the opposite of straight?

Who are they?

They? The...
the... They're, uh...

They're my molls.

Molls? Ha ha!

I ain't heard 'em called
that in years. Ha ha!

Yeah, well... Ha
ha... They're, uh...

much older than they look.

See, the blond one here, Terri,

she is an expert on diamonds,
emeralds, and rubies.

While Janet over there

knows everything about...

oh, everything else.

So, you're an expert.

What do you think of the stones?

Oh, I just loved
their last album.


What a great sense of humor.

Tony hates humor.

Okay, let's get on with it.

Huh? How much you gonna give us?

Ha... A-ha!

Ah... All right.

Now we're at the heart of it.

Yeah. We're... We're
right at the center,

the core, the crux, if you will.

We're, uh, looking
at the bottom line,

talking brass tacks here.

We're down to
the real nitty-gritty.

How much?

[high-pitched voice]
How much do you want?

We'll take 50,000. Dollars?

Hold it!

Who do you think
you're dealing with here,

a bunch of amateurs?

I, personally,

wouldn't give you a penny
over 5,000 for that stuff.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

All right. We'll take 40,000.


Maybe I could make it
as high as, say, 7,500?

30,000. Make it 10.

25.15, take it or leave it.

It's a deal. Okay.
Pay him, Jack.

You heard the lady. Pay us.

Right... Excuse me.

Right. Um... Yeah, sure. Um...

Why don't you write
down your address

so I know where
to mail the check.

Huh? Trust me.

Make it payable to
"Rita and Tony", right?

You'd rather have cash.

I knew you would.

Okay. No problem. All right.

Janet and Terri, let's go in the
bedroom and open up the safe.

Wait a minute.

How come all three
of you have to go?

Uh... House rules.

House rules.

I don't trust Terri.
Terri doesn't trust me.

And nobody trusts Jack.

[door closes]

Oh, boy, are we in trouble.

Yeah. If we can't
even trust each other...


Jack, what are we gonna
do about Tony and Rita?

I don't know, Janet. You think!

How about you doing
some thinking for a change?

Didn't I do my part?

Didn't I get them down
from 50,000 to 15?

Then tell me, o wizard
of Santa Monica,

during all your
wheeling and dealing,

did you ever happen to think
where we would get $15,000?

I can't do everything!

[Janet and Jack
arguing, indistinct]

Oh, shh!

Let's just get out of here!

What do you suggest, Terri?
We jump out the window?

That's it! The window!

Forget it, Jack Tripper!

I am not jumping out of
any second-story window!

Of course not. We're
gonna tie the sheets together

and slide down.

That is the stupidest idea!

Okay, stay here and get killed.

But I like it.

[Tony] Hey! What's
going on in there?

You go out there
and talk to them

while Janet and
I tie the sheets.

What'll I talk about?

About 5 minutes. Move.

Hi. How you two doing?


What's going on in there?

Oh, they're, uh,
counting the dough.


Uh, can I get you something?
Some milk or cake?


Well, no cake, but
how about some milk?

You know, every body loves milk.

You know, just like the ad.

My mother, she used
to always... No milk!

That's what I used
to say. Ha ha ha!

What's taking them so long?

Good question.

I'll go find out
right this minute.

I'll be right... Ow!

Nice chatting with you.

[door closes]

How are things going out there?

We are having a lovely time.

I'm about to serve tea.

What do you mean, how
are things going out there?

Okay, we're all set.
Let's go. Come on.

Come on! Let's
go! I can't take this!

I think this is gonna work.

Thank God!

Don't thank Him
until we're down.

[Janet] Jack, are
you sure it'll hold?

I didn't spend two years in
the Navy for naught, Janet.



[pounding on door] Aah!

[Tony] Come on!

Jack! Oh, Jack!

What are we gonna do?
What are we gonna do?

Would you calm down?

[high-pitched voice] Ahhhh!

Shh! Shh!

Just follow me. Okay.

Would you pull
yourselves together?

Come on!

Sorry for the delay, big Tony,

but it takes a while
to count 15 grand.

Wouldn't wanna shortchange you.

No, you wouldn't. Aah!

Count it.

Oh, you don't have to count it.

No, it's already counted.

It's all present
and accounted for.

You don't have to... No, no.

You don't... You, um...

Janet! Silly Janet! You
gave me the wrong briefcase.

Why, you... [Detective] Drop it!

Get over there! Move!

Thank God you're here. Freeze!

Stay where you are! I'm staying.

Get over there with
the rest of your gang.

Officer. Officer, you
have this all wrong.

We are not one of them.

You're not?

Oh, thank you so very much.

You see, they stole
these diamonds.

Why, thank you, little lady.

We would have
had a very hard time

prosecuting you without these.

Now get over there with
the rest of the crooks!

Get! Aah!


This is just so easy to explain.

Oh, yeah? Yes.

Explain it, Jack.

Officer, may I?

Officer, seriously,

I have a friend
who lives upstairs

by the name of Larry,

and he set me up
on a blind date with...


I'm sorry. Wrong apartment.

That's him! Stop him!

Police! Halt!

Hi, Jack. You wanna talk
to me about something?

Larry, it's about
that blind date.

Hey, buddy, I'm sorry
if it didn't work out,

but that's no reason
to call the cops!

Larry, the girl you fixed
me up with got me in trouble.

Shouldn't that be
the other way around?

Larry! Would you be serious?

Look, just tell these officers

that you fixed
Jack up with Rita.

No problem. I'll be glad to.

Who's Rita?

Hi, Rita.

Are you crazy?

I fixed him up with Sally.

You think I'd dump a
girl that looks like that?

Then you really don't know her?

No, but give me time.

Then when she called,
I was a wrong number.

You can say that again.

All right. Stop wasting time.

Let's go down to the station.

Officer. Officer... Move!

Moving. Excuse me.

I'm gonna miss you, Jack.

You, too, slick.

Police brutality.

Come on! Move it out!


Officer, actually, you really
are making a very big mistake.

You're right.

I almost forgot the groupies.

Move it!

Groupies? Groupies?

[inaudible fighting]

[mouth full] Mmm. These
sandwiches are good.

I was starving.

Jack, can we get you
anything before we go to bed?

I'm not hungry.

You still mad at the cops?

No, I'm still mad at Rita.

Jack, come on!

If she hadn't spoken up,
you would still be in jail.

Yeah, she said that
you were innocent.

No, she didn't. She said that
"dumb punk" was innocent.


It's all that machine's
fault. I hate it.

Well, we like it, Jack.
So it stays and that's that!


[telephone rings]

[Jack, on answering machine]
Hello. This is Jack Tripper.

If you're interested in
buying this machine,

you can have it... cheap!

But don't tell Janet or Terri.

[both] Jack! Jack!

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

Three's Company was videotaped
in front of a studio audience.