Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 7, Episode 18 - Janet's Little Helper - full transcript

Janet gets a stereo for Jack & Terri as a surprise, but it needs repaired. Mr Furley suggests his nephew Mark to repair it. In return, Janet can help Mark with dating lessons. Jack & Terri find out about the nephew and assume Janet is dating him.

[Man] ♪ Come and
knock on our door ♪

[Woman] ♪ Come and
knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

[Both] ♪ Where the kisses
are hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪
♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪
♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a loveable space
that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ You'll see that
life is a ball again ♪



♪ Laughter is calling for you ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

[kitchen clatter]

[Jack] Terri?

You're cutting the scrambled
eggs with your knife.

You know, you are
really, really strange.

Me, strange?

How 'bout you?

Why are you drinking your coffee

ahead of your orange juice?

Because I wanna warm
up my stomach first.



Well, think about it, Terri.

If I drank this cold
orange juice first,

my stomach would shrivel up,

and my pants would fall down.

What? Don't mind him, Terri.

He's always dopey in
the morning. Careful,

Janet, or I won't take
you to lunch this afternoon.

Oh, yeah! Where you taking me?

Where you wanna go?

How 'bout this new
place? The Gourmet Feast?

Nah. I don't wanna
take any chances

on those fly-by-night newcomers.

But the paper gave
it a rave review.

So what? Most of those reviewers
don't know anything about food.

This is the same guy who
gave you a good review.

And some are never wrong.

[doorbell rings]

I'll get that.

[chopping sound]

No more. Augh!

No more. Okay?

Hi, Janet. Shh.

You wanted to see me?

Yeah. But keep your voice down.

I don't want Jack
and Terri to know.

Janet. Please. I'm on duty.

[laughing]

Mr. Furley. Look.

You remember that
stereo I spoke to you about?

The one you bought
at the flea market?

Yeah. It's supposed to be a
surprise for Jack and Terri.

The only surprise
is, it doesn't work.

And you want
me to fix it, right?

Would you, Mr. Furley?
Whoa, Nellie!

Electronics is the one
field I'm not an expert in.

Really? Yeah.

I found that out when I fixed the
plug on Mrs. Gordon's aquarium

and fried three of her guppies.

But Mr. Furley, repair
shops are so expensive.

And they take forever.

Hey, I know who could help you.

Who? My nephew, Mark.

18 years old, and he's
a whiz at electronics.

And he just happens to be
staying with me for a few days.

Well, if you don't
think he would mind...

Oh, no. Take his
mind off his problem.

His problem? Yeah.

Hey, maybe you could help him.

Well, wait. What's his problem?

Well, he can't
seem to get a date.

And he's very shy.

Doesn't know his
way around girls.

Lots of kids his age
have that problem.

Tell me about it.

Boy, when I was a kid,
no phone calls. No dates.

All those lonely nights.

I even wound up taking my
own cousin to senior prom.

That must have
been awful for you.

It was. And he didn't
like it much, either!

So, Janet. Will
you talk to Mark?

Yes. I will. Great!

I'll have him call
you right away.

Oh, hey, Mr. Furley? Yeah?

Why didn't you just
have Jack talk to Mark?

Jack? Are you crazy?

One word from him, and
Mark would be tippy-toeing

up the Yellow Brick Road.

That is ridiculous. It is
not, Terri. It's the truth.

I don't think I've ever
heard you say anything

so stupid in your entire life.

Yes, I have.

Okay, guys. What's going on?

Oh, it's a story in the paper

about a 40-year-old actress
who marries a 21-year-old man.

And Jack here thinks
the guy is a fool.

I didn't say that.
You don't listen.

See, she doesn't listen. I
said the guy was an idiot.

Oh, really, Jack?

Just what would you
call a 40-year-old man

who marries a 21-year-old girl?

Lucky. [laughs]

Jack! Oh, come on!

It's totally different!

What's so different about it?

Yeah! Okay.
Terri. Janet. Ladies.

Let me try to explain this
to you as simply as possible.

Oh, my God.

A woman needs an
older man to guide her.

To point her in
the right direction.

To point her in the righ...

What are we, Jack? Dogs?

Looks have nothing
to do with this.

[phone rings] I
think I better get that.

I think you better, too.

Woof woof woof woof! Get out!

Oh, wait a minute,
Jack! It's probably for me.

Hello? Janet?

Just a second. I'll
see if she's here.

Janet, are you here?

Gimme the phone. She's here.

Gimme the phone! Here.

Gimme the phone.

Hello. Oh, hi, Mark.

Yeah, listen. I...

Excuse me.

Jack, do you mind?

This is personal.

I don't mind. Go ahead.

Get outta here.
Get to the good part.

Get outta here!

Get out. Go.

I'm sorry, Mark.

Yeah. Mr. Furley told me.

And I think we
should get together.

Well, how 'bout this afternoon?

Oh, right. You have school.

Lunch? Sure!

Ooh! How about this new
place called the Gourmet Feast?

Great. How's 1:00 sound?

Okay. All right.
I'll see... What?

Oh, come on,
Mark. Don't be silly.

Hey, don't worry about it.
I'm not gonna tell anybody.

No, this'll just be our
little secret. Okay?

Great. I'll see you at
1:00. Okay. Bye-bye.

[hangs up phone]

Hey, Jack. I'm awful sorry,

but something has come up,

and I can't make our
lunch date, after all.

Oh. You got a better offer, huh?

That wouldn't be
very hard to do.

[phony laugh] So funny.

Jack!

Who's the guy?

Come on. I told
you it was personal.

Why are you being so secretive?

Hey, Jack! She
said it was personal!

Well, if that's the
way you wanna play,

[hissing]

[glass clinking]

Mark, cut it out.

Come on. Just relax.

Look, think of me as one
of your friends. Understand?

Yes, ma'am.

No, you don't understand.

Look. Would you
call me Janet, please?

Okay. Now wait.
Let's back up a little bit.

You say you're having
trouble getting dates.

Yes, ma'am... Uh-uh-uh!

Uh... Janet.

Thank you. Isn't that better?

Okay. Now. What happens
when you ask girls out?

Ask them out?

Mark, you mean you haven't e...

How do you expect to get
a girl to go out with you?

Oh. I thought that's what
you were gonna tell me.

[laughs]

Good afternoon, sir.

Do you have a reservation?

Uh, no. I'm just here to see
how your food measures up.

Measures up?

Yes. You see, I
own Jack's Bistro.

What is a Jack's Bistro?

It's just about the best
French restaurant in town.

Never heard of it.

But I'm sure you'll
enjoy your lunch here.

Well, that depends.

I don't suppose you serve
escargot in garlic butter?

No, we do not.
[laughs] I didn't think so.

Too cliché. Huh?

We serve our escargot
delicately poached

in our own special
white wine sauce.

Okay. Le-le-le-le-lemme
ask you something else.

Did you come here to eat,
or to play 20 Questions?

I could use a bite, I guess.

Unfortunately, we
had a cancellation.

Right this way.

Mercy.

We could work on our
manners, couldn't we?

I know, but

I just wish I were
better looking.

Oh, Mark. Don't be silly.

[Janet] I think
you're very attractive.

[Mark] Really?

Yeah.

Really. I mean...

being attractive, that
isn't really that important.

It's-it's what two people share.

What brings two people
together that really matters.

You know what else I wish? What?

That I met you a long time ago.

Are you ready to order, sir?

Shh.

I beg your pardon.

Thank you.

Now, would you like to
know what our specialties are?

[whispering] Yes,
just very quietly...

Pardon me?

[high-pitched voice] Yes,
would you please tell me

what your specialties
are, garçon?

Very well. We have a hot...

Thanks, Janet. You made
me feel a lot more confident.

When do you want
me to fix your stereo?

Well, the sooner the better.

I'm really anxious to
surprise my roommates with it.

Santa Barbara mushrooms.
[high voice] Okay.

I guess I'll have the, uh, hot
spinach salad and a glass of wine.

Oh, goodie.

Well, you know what
would be perfect, Mark?

If we could make it tonight.

[Mark] Tonight would be fine.

Great, 'cause my
roommates will both be away.

We'll have the
place to ourselves.

[Mark] Okay, I'll be there!

[Janet] How's 6 sound?

6 is fine.

We oughtta be
through in time for me

to do my homework.
[chokes, sprays]

[muffled coughing]

Mm, Mark. You are
such a sweetheart.

Gosh. We have to get going.

I need to get back.

What'd you think of
the restaurant? Great.

[Janet] Good. I'm glad.

Your wine, sir.

Is there a problem, sir?

Uh, there most certainly is.

These floors are filthy!

And there's wads of
chewing gum under this table.

I refuse to dine
in a pigsty like this.

You'd never find these
conditions at Jack's Bistro.

That's Jack's Bistro.
834 Ocean Vista Drive.

Parking in the rear. Out!

We validate!

Oh, hi, Jack. Terri,
where've you been?

At the hospital.

Well, that's a fine place
to be during an emergency.

What are you talking about?

It's Janet. I saw her
having lunch today.

I could not believe my eyes.

Oh, she really pigged out, huh?

There was...

No. It was her date.

Janet was with a teenager.

[laughs] Oh, Jack.
Don't exaggerate.

I'm not.

I mean, this guy was young.

We're talkin' peach fuzz,
puberty and zits here.

Janet is robbing the cradle,
Terri. And it's all your fault.

My fault? Yeah, you're the
one who put all those ideas

into her head about younger
guys and older women.

Janet's not old.

Compared to this kid
Mark, she's Grandma Moses.

Oh, I don't believe you, Jack.

Oh, yeah? Well, believe this.

While you and I are
conveniently out tonight,

Janet's invited "The
Beaver" to come over here.

[sighs] Why is he
coming over here?

Well, it's not for a taffy
pull, you can be sure of that.

Jack, you have a dirty mind.

Terri, I'm telling you
that... Yeah, well...

Oh, hi, guys. Hi, Grandma.

What I mean... [stammers]

Hi, Janet. Ask her about lunch.

So... Janet. How
was your lunch date?

Oh, it went...

Oh, I, uh... I had to cancel it.

I just stayed in at the shop.

Oh. So you didn't go out at all?

No. No, I was much too busy,
so I had some cottage cheese

and just stayed in.

Whaddaya think now, Terri?

I think I have a
dirty mind, too.

Can you believe this?

You live with a
girl all these years.

You take care of
her. You protect her.

Then you let her out of your
sight for one lousy lunch date

at one lousy restaurant,
and she ruins her life.

What are we gonna do, Jack?

Buy him off. What?

We'll give him two
tickets to Disneyland,

tell him to take
someone his own age.

That's it! No,
Terri. I'm joking.

No, no, no. A girl.
We'll find him a girl

his own age. Who?

I'm thinking. Let me see.

Julie Lipton. She's
a candy-striper.

She paints candy? No.

She's a volunteer worker
at the hospital, Jack.

She's really cute. Mark
will really go for her.

What are we sitting
here for? Call her.

Better than that, I'll stop by
her place on the way to work.

You're goin' back
to the hospital?

I have to fill in for
my friend, Maude,

for a little bit. But I will
send Julie right over.

I'll hang around until she
gets here. Okay. Good.

Jack, what if Mark
gets here first?

We can't leave him
alone with Janet.

I won't. I'll keep him
busy. I know kids.

They like games. We'll
play "Duck, Duck, Goose".

"Pin the Tail On the Donkey"...

Jack... Don't
worry. I'll handle it.

I know about that. All right.

Just get the girl!

Duck, duck, duck...
Duck, duck, duck...

Goose!

Jack!

Why haven't you left
for the restaurant yet?

Oh, well. You see... Here.

You gotta get going.

I got plenty of time, Janet.

Plenty of time.

If you wanna be successful,

you gotta start early.

People don't come till 7,

I don't... That's okay!

Owner's gotta be there early!

Whew.

[doorbell rings]

Mark. Hi! Come on in.

[Mark] How you doin'?
[Janet] Pretty good.

[front door shuts]

You're early.

Well, you seemed so anxious.

I am. I really am.

Come on in the bedroom.

See, Mark. The turntable
part doesn't work.

Well, lemme
check the radio first.

♪♪ [honky tonk]

He brought his own music?

[knock on front door]

[knocking continues]

Jack? Aren't you
supposed to be at work?

Huh? Uh, yeah. But, uh... see,
something came up, Mr. Furley.

So I decided to go in late.

Jack, if you hang around here,

you're gonna ruin
everything for Janet.

Wait. You know what's going on?

Of course! It was my idea!

What?

I figured this way, Mark
gets some experience,

and Janet gets what
she's been asking for.

Where you going?

I just thought I'd see
how they're making out.

Mr. Furley!

Who knows? I might
learn a thing or two!

Get outta here! Okay!

Okay!

But the next time
Janet wants a favor,

she can just get
herself another boy!

Shame on you!

[sighs]

[knocking]

Mr. Furley, I told you I...

Hi. Terri sent me.

Like, I'm Julie.

Oh. The date. I mean,
the candy-striper.

I mean, uh... I've
been expecting you.

Hey, like, you look really
mature for your age, y'know?

No, no, no. You've
got the wrong guy.

Hey, now. Come on.

Mellow out. Like, Terri told
me you were the shy type.

But don't be so
uptight. I won't bite.

Unless you want me to. No...

Like, really honest. No thanks.

The guy you want
is in the bedroom.

No way! The guy I
want is right here!

No no no no no.
You see, I-I-I...

Yes! Oh, I like the
way you talk! Whoa!

Omigod! Like, far out!
What a totally awesome idea!

Whoa! Lordy lordy lordy.

Ooh. [laughs]
What's going... Jack!

Jack...

How could you?

Like, you didn't tell me
your mother was home!

Listen. Like, maybe we
should do this another time.

If you don't get
grounded or anything.

Tubular.

You oughtta be
ashamed of yourself.

Fooling around with
a little girl like that?

Little, uh... hey,
wait a minute.

Forget about me. What about you?

What about me? Don't
play dumb with me.

I know what you're
doing in the bedroom there

with that-that-that-
that... that kid.

What am I doing?

Do I have to spell it out
for you, Mrs. Robinson?

Mrs...

Yes, Jack. I wish
you would spell it out.

I'm too much of a
gentleman, so I won't.

Then I will. S-T-E-R-E-O.

That's sick.

S-s-stereo?

Yeah. Stereo. As
in fixing a stereo.

Which Mark is in
there doing right now.

Pardon me? It was supposed to be

a surprise. Now you ruined
the whole thing, ya big dope.

A surprise?

Well, it worked.
Boy, am I surprised.

Who cares? Listen, just
don't go spoiling it for Terri.

Don't worry. I couldn't possibly
screw up more than I already have.

Don't underestimate yourself.

Oh, no. Mr. Furley.

[sighs]

Hello, Mr. Furley?
Jack. No, don't hang up.

Mr. Furley? Look.
I know I was rude,

but I thought... Jack,
what happened?

I'm on the phone. I...

Never mind what
I... Where's Julie?

Julie left. Mr. Furley... So
Mark took the bait, huh?

Mark is in the bedroom
with Janet, Terri. Please.

Look, Mr. Furley. Listen...

There you go. Thanks.

Mark, listen.

I really wanna thank you.
You were really terrific.

[Mark] You were pretty

terrific yourself.
Oh, thank you.

You really taught me a lot.

[Jack] Well, oh.
Now I understand.

Okay, now listen.
Mr. Furley, thank you.

And I'm sorry. Glad
everything's all right.

Big jerk!

I'm sorry, Janet. I
shouldn't have kissed you.

I'm glad you did. You are?

Yes. It means that you
have confidence with women.

Yeah. Yeah.

I guess I do, now.

Thanks to you.

Terri, nothing happened.

Mark is a sweet,
innocent little kid.

So long, Janet.
Thanks for everything.

[Janet] Bye, Mark!

[doorbell rings]

[Janet] Coming!

Hi, Mr. Furley. Come on in.

Hi, Janet.

I just wanted to thank
you for helping Mark.

He's acting so confident now.

Says he really knows
how to handle women.

That's wonderful. Yeah.

[chuckling]

Exactly what did you tell him?

Come on, Mr. Furley.
That's personal.

Look. I'm his uncle and
I have a right to know.

Well, first, I had to get rid
of all these crazy notions

that he picked up from somebody.

Oh? Yeah. Like,
I had to tell him

that he was not gonna
get anywhere with women

by coming on strong
and acting macho

and strutting around in
these wild-looking clothes.

And boasting and bragging,
putting up this big front.

Laughing at his
own silly little jokes.

[laughing]

I mean, really. I
had to tell him...

Is there something
wrong, Mr. Furley?

No. I would've told
him the same thing.

Good. [kettle whistling]

Would you excuse me?
That's my tea kettle. Sure.

Women.

He might as well
have talked to Jack.

Closed-Captioned by J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

♪♪ [theme]

Three's Company was videotaped
in front of a studio audience.

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