Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 7, Episode 12 - Larry's Sister - full transcript

Larry's younger sister Diane is in town, and allows Jack to take Diane out with her. But then Jack and Diane do not get back home until after 2 AM and Larry is furious. A miscommunication makes everyone think they did more than just go out.

[man] ♪ Come and
knock on our door ♪

[woman] ♪ Come and
knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

[both] ♪ Where the kisses
are hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪
♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪
♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a loveable space
that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ You'll see that
life is a ball again ♪

♪ Laughter is calling for you ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

[Both] 8, 9, 10.

Okay. Okay, what's next?

Let's just do some winding
down, okay? All right.

Just hang over, let your head
be loose, and start bobbing.


You know, this is very
good for the circulation.

It sure is. I feel
better already. Oh!

Jack! Don't you have
something to do?

Nothing better than this. Could you
keep bobbing? That was my favorite part.

Jack, could you just
get lost or join us.

I'd like to join you.
Oh, okay. Ready?

You may join.
Okay. What do I do?

You better loosen
up a little. Loosen up?

You guys loose? Yes.

Okay, I'll just... [grunts]

Talk to me, mama!

Jack... I'm loose as a
goose on juice. Woo!

Jack. I'm loose. I'm ready.

Feet apart, come on.
Feet apart, head down.

Ow. Okay. Touch your toes.

All right. And... 1, 2, 3, 4.

2, 2, 3, 4.

3, 2, 3, 4.

4, 2, 3, 4.

This is easy. 5, 2... 3, 4.

6... Don't lose count.

Don't stop me now.
7, 2... [doorbell rings]

You are hopeless.

But I count good, don't I? No.

Hi, Mr. Furley. Shh.

I've got a splitting headache.

Come on in.

I'm awfully sorry.

[door slams]

Sorry again.

[loudly] Hi, Mr. Furley. Shh.

What's the matter?

Oh, I've tried everything
to get rid of this headache

and it just won't go away.

I've tried hot compresses,
cold compresses, self-hypnosis...

And aspirin didn't work?


Mr. Furley, why
don't you have a seat?

And I'll get you some aspirin.

Yeah, come on, R.F.
Take a load off. Yeah.

I never should've
drank so much brandy

on that grunion run last night.


Yeah, grunion
are little fish, Terri.

And they can run?

How long do you
have to live in California

to know that
grunion are little fish

that swim ashore and
then burrow into the sand?

Why do they do that?

Because of their
instinct for survival.

They swim thousands of
miles against incredible odds

just so they can find a safe
beach where they can mate.

Oh, that's beautiful.

Yeah, then you scoop 'em
up and fry 'em and eat 'em.

Mr. Furley, gross.

Well, Terri, at least they
die happy, you know.

Here, Mr. Furley.
Here's your aspirin.

Oh, thank you. And
here's some spare.

You have no idea how bad I feel.

I keep hearing this
pounding in my head.

[hard knocking on door]
Oh, there it goes again.

Mr. Furley, we heard it too.

You did?

It's even worse than I thought.

I'll go get you some water.

And I'll go get the door. Okay.

Larry! Hi, buddy.

Hey, pal. Hi, Terri.
Hi, Mr. Furley.

Here's your water, Mr. Furley.

[hoarse] Never mind.

Hey, Mr. Furley... He didn't
even wait to hear my news.

What news? My sister's in town.

Oh, great. When can we meet her?

As soon as she finishes
unpacking. Yeah?

Listen, one thing.
Before she gets here...

Now, don't take this
the wrong way, but...

just try and make
a good impression.

What? You know, just
be careful how you act.

Jack, you can do me a
favor, too. Speak to me.

Go out with Diane. Huh?

Buddy, she's 19.

She didn't come to California
to look at the orange trees.

She's gonna want to go out
with some great-looking guy

who can show her a nice time.

Well... And I'd
feel so much safer

if she went out
with you instead.

That's... Thanks a
lot, Larry. No, come on.

You know what I mean.
She's a sweet, innocent kid,

and I just wanna
keep her that way.

Oh, well, Larry,
you can trust Jack.

Can't he?

Yes, Mother.

Promise? Promise.


Hello. Oh, Diane, come in, dear.

Sis, I'd like you to meet
my very dear friends,

Terri, Janet and Jack.

Hi. Charmed.

Nice to meet you.

Larry's told me all about you.

I think it's so wonderful that
you live with your two sisters.

His two si... si... si...

Yes, and what a
loving family they are.

Well, you know,
I like to think so.

I think of us as a
tremendously loving trio.

Huh, sister Janet, sister Terri.

Jack, be careful, you don't
wanna aggravate that old injury.

What old injury?

You know, this one. [grunts]

The old one with the bruise.


Well, would you like to
sit down, Diane? Terri...

Yeah, come on.
[Jack] The pancreas.

So, Diane, how long
are you going to be here?

Just a few days.

Which reminds me, there isn't
much room in my place for Diane.

I thought maybe she
could stay with you.

Oh, well, sure. We
would love to have you.

Yeah. You can
sleep in Jack's room.

Well, it'll be kinda crowded,

but for a friend, what the heck?

And Jack'll take the couch.


Good, then it's settled.

Oh, Diane, you are
gonna love Los Angeles.

There's so much to see and do.

Right, Jack? Oh, right, yeah.

And, listen, if you'd
like to go out with me,

we can see and do
some of it tonight.

Oh, I'd love to.

Wonderful. And a little later, you can
stop at my place for cookies and cocoa.


Oh, silly me. Jack
likes tea. Of course.


Cookies and tea,
won't that be nice?

[sighs] Yes.

Perfect. Come on.

We better get going. I'm
taking Diane to the museum.

Oh, which one?

There's more than one?

Eh, we'll decide along the way.

See you later, Jack.

And thanks for letting me
stay here. [Janet] Oh, sure.

I'll pick you up a
little after 7, okay?

Toodle-oo. [laughing] Bye.

[sighs] [sighs]

So that's Larry's sister.

Yeah. She seems
like such a nice kid.

Yeah. You think she's adopted?


Janet, what side
does Jack sleep on,

his right side or his left side?

What difference does
it make? Well, a lot.

If I put the pillow here, and
he sleeps on his right side,

he'd be sleeping with
his nose in the couch.

Terri... However, if I
put the pillow over there

and he sleeps on his right
side, he'd be staring at the wall.

Terri... But if I put
the pillow here,

and he sleeps
on his left side...

voice] Terri! What?

I just remembered what
side Jack likes to sleep on.

What? His backside.


Hi. They're not back yet.


So? It's almost 10:30.

Oh, come on, Larry.

Come on! You wanted Jack to
show Diane a good time, right?

Good time? You're talking
about my baby sister.

Larry, I am sure
Jack is treating her

just like he does every
other girl he takes out.

I'll kill him.

Larry! No, no, wait!
Where did they go?

Dinner? It doesn't
take me that long to eat.

What, a hamburger, french fries,
what are we talking about here?

Ten minutes, tops?

Another five for a drink?

[gasps] Oh, my God, a drink.

He's plying her with liquor!

Of all the contemptible,
low-down, sneaky, slimy...

Hi, everybody!

Where have you been?

Look what Jack won
for me at the carnival.

A-ha! A carniv... A carnival?

Yeah. That's right.

And we had a wonderful time.

Well, why are you home so early?

I mean, it's not even 10:30.

I hope you didn't rush
home on my account.

Well, Lar, as a matter of fact,

I was afraid you'd
be a little worried.

Me? Worried about Diane?

Have you ever heard of
anything so ridiculous?

Well, have you? Speak!

[Both] No! Never!

We've never heard! Never!

[doorbell rings] [knocking]

[doorbell rings] [knocking]

All right, already, I'm coming!

[knocking] I'm coming!

Who is it?

It's me, Larry.

What's the matter?

I couldn't sleep.

Well, I was doing fine.

What time is it, anyway?

It's 2:00.2:00?

Larry, what are you doing
down here at 2:00 in the morning?

I came down to apologize.

Okay, fine, I accept.

No, no, not to you. To
Jack, my best friend.

I feel awful.

All those horrible
things I said about him.

Larry... [yawning]
What's going on?

It's Larry. He came
down to apologize.

Okay, fine, I accept.

Good night, Larry.

Look, look...

Just let me speak
to Jack, all right?

As soon as I get
this off my chest,

I'll be able to go to sleep.

And so will we. Yeah.

Hey, Jack, Larry's here... Jack?

I'll kill him.

Larry, he must be
in the bathroom.

Go look.

You look! I'll look!

[knocking] Jack?

I'll kill him.


They're gone!

They're gone!

I'll kill him!

My baby sister!
She's just a child.

Oh, come on, Larry.
She's not a child anymore.

Sure, not after tonight.

I'll kill him.

You'll have to wait in line!

Now, wait a minute, you guys.

There has got to be

some simple
explanation for all this.

Yeah? Let's hear it. Yeah.

Well, uh... Jack's not here.


And Diane's not here. Right!

And there are a lot of other
people who aren't here either.


Let me start over.

I hope Janet and
Terri didn't wake up

and start worrying about us.

No, no, I left them a note
where they can't miss it.

Oh, good.

Thanks for taking
me on a grunion run.

I've never seen
anything like it!

They practically
jumped right into my lap!

I know. Talk about fresh fish!

Shh! Get over there!

What? Larry!

Hey, shh! Shh! Oh, Larry!



Where's my baby sister? Diane?

[Diane] I'll be in in a minute. I want
to shake the sand off this blanket.


Larry, what did you do?

We'll talk about
it in the morning.

Hey, Larry... Larry...

We'll talk about it now!

Are you all right, Jack?

Why did Larry hit me?

Because he was
worried about his sister.

As if you didn't know.

What are you... All
we were doing was...

We know what you were
doing, Jack! Poor little Diane!

What are you talking about?
She had the time of her life.


Well, I got to tell you.
She was a little squeamish

at first, but once
she got the hang of it,

there was no stopping her.

I don't believe this.

Honest. I couldn't
keep up with her.

If it were up to Diane,
we'd still be there.


Here's some toast.

No thanks, Janet. I'm not
very hungry this morning.


Coffee? Oh, yes, please.

Why, thank you, Janet. Mm-hm.

You'd think that when
people are angry...

[All yelling, indistinct]

You'd think when someone
has something to apologize for,

they'd be big enough
to go ahead and do it.

Then what are you waiting for?

Me? Why should I apologize

for taking Diane
on a grunion run?

A grunion run?

Yeah! Didn't you read my note?

What note?

The note that I put up
on the bathroom wall!

Don't you two ever go to
the bathroom anymore?

That is really choice, Jack.

A note? Do you honestly expect us
to believe a feeble excuse like that?

Well, let me tell you.
Not this time, Buster!

Uh, Buster's note
fell on the floor.


We're really sorry.



You can see how it looked.

You were so ready to believe
the worst. That's what really hurts.


Can you ever forgive us, Jack?

I don't know.


[Both] Ple...

Okay. We tried.

No, wait. You give up
too easy. Come here.

Oh! Thank you, Jack.

Okay, baby. Thanks a lot. Jack!

Jack! Jack, stop!

That's not funny. You
forgive her. That's enough.

I'm sorry. I can't help
myself sometimes.

Oh! Now, don't you
think you oughta go up

and straighten
things out with Larry?

I'm sure that Diane has
straightened him out already.

[doorbell rings] That's
probably Larry now. Come on.

Oh, I hope so. Come on.

I bet he's coming down
to apologize this minute.

Larry, am I glad
to see you. I...

Sorry to bother you girls.

What I have to say
won't take very long.

I don't think he
talked to his sister yet.

Oh, yes, I did. Then
why are you still mad?

Didn't she explain
about last night?

She told me you took her on the grunion
run and that nothing else happened.

So? So...

She never lied to me
before she met you.

Oh, come on. Larry,
will you get off it?

What kind of idiot would take a girl
on a grunion run to make it with her?

Hey, Jack, I don't
call you names.

What is this?

I brought back everything
I ever borrowed from you.

Where's the 20 I
lent you last week?

I couldn't fit it in the box.

I wouldn't've done
that to your sister.

I don't have a sister.
Yeah, well, maybe if you did

you'd have a little bit
more respect for women.

Larry... Butt out, Janet.

Hey, hey, hey. You know
what your problem is, Jack?

You think you can get away
with murder just because...

Because you look
like that. Like what?

Innocent. Just look at you.

That innocent face.

The big, blue, innocent eyes.

Looking like you don't
even know what's going on.

What is he talking about?

See? See?

If I had a face like that, you know how
many used cars I could unload? Millions!

All right. I want you out of
here. Just leave. Get out. Out!

What are you trying to say?

Out out out out out.
Okay okay okay okay.

But not until I've made
one thing perfectly clear.

I want my box back after
you've emptied it. Get out!


Toe pain.


[clank] Jack,
maybe if you just...

What do you want for breakfast?

Jack, if you'll just
listen... You want eggs?

Jack, Larry is your best friend.

How do you want your eggs, huh?

Scrambled it is.

What do you want in your eggs?

Onions, peppers?

Jack, if you'll just
listen... [doorbell rings]

I'm waiting!

All right! Onions!
Plenty of onions!

You want onions? You got onions!


Diane locked me out. Oh.

Is it okay if I use your phone?

Is it okay, Janet?

It's okay.

Hello. It's okay, Larry.

Diane? It's Larry.

What do you mean, Larry who?

Your brother Larry.

She hung up. She
won't talk to me.

I lost my baby sister.

Larry, that's because
you didn't trust her.

I trusted her. I just
didn't believe her.

Larry, didn't you say that
she had never lied to you?

That's right.

Has Jack ever lied to you?

He wouldn't dare.

He knows I'd see
right through him.

Well, then?

Somebody's made
a big mistake here.



why don't you go out
there in the kitchen

and apologize to Jack?

Apologize? I came down here

to just ask him a
few simple questions,

and he throws me out.

Me, his best friend.

Larry... No, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.

If he wants me to apologize,

you tell him he's gonna
have to make the first move.

Oh... Go on, tell him.

Jack... Oh! Whew!
That's enough onions.

You want to make the omelet?

Jack, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Jack.

Look, uh... ahem... Whew!

Larry's out there.

Is he ready to apologize?

Not exactly.

Then I don't want
to speak to him.

But, Jack... No, Janet.

My mind is made up, okay?




Well? What'd he say?

Oh, uh, he... he
couldn't say anything.

Uh, he's too broken up.

He is?

Well, Larry, nobody
likes to lose a friend.

Nah, I don't believe it.

See for yourself.

Jack, could you come
out here for a second?



What do you want?

I think that Larry has something

he wants to say to you.

Oh, Jack.

Jack, I'm so sorry.

Don't cry.

I can't help it. It's...

Neither can I. Can
you ever forgive me?

Of course I can, Larry.

Aww. Aww.

It's okay.

Hey, come on.

It was all my fault. No, it's...

My headache's gone!

Oh, my God, it's back!

No, Mr. Furley!

Oh... Well, goodbye.

Oh, goodbye.

And thanks for letting
me stay with you.

Oh, it was our pleasure.

We enjoyed it. We loved it.

And, Jack, I really
had a wonderful time

the other night at the beach.

You taught me so much.


Well, goodbye.

Bye-bye, Diane.

Lordy, Lordy, Lordy.

She's such a sweet
little child, isn't she?

Excuse me, I... I
have things to do.

"You taught me so much."

About grunion.

There is a certain skill
involved, you know.

They're very slippery.
You can't just pick 'em up.

Oh, right, of course. Silly me.

I mean, little Diane,

she wanted to go
on a grunion run,

and Jack was nice
enough to take her.

There's nothing wrong
with that, nothing!

No, absolutely not. Not a thing.

I mean, not even if you are
young and impressionable,

and you're out with
this good-looking guy.

Late at night... all alone...

on a moonlit beach...
with a blanket.

Jack! Jack!

We want to talk to you!

Closed-Captioned by J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

Three's Company was videotaped

in front of a studio audience.