Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 6, Episode 7 - Two Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest - full transcript

Dr Miller, a psychiatrist from the hospital, tells Terri he is stressed out. Terri invites him to dinner at her place to get a break from his patients. Misunderstandings arise when Jack and Janet think he is an escaped mental patient.

[man] ♪ Come and
knock on our door ♪

[woman] ♪ Come and
knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

[both] ♪ Where the kisses
are hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪
♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪
♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a loveable space
that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ You'll see that life is a ball
again Laughter is calling for you ♪



♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

Don't you worry about
a thing You'll be just fine.

[sighs]

Who's next? Nobody.

Oh, boy. This place
is like a morgue.

Um... Let me rephrase that.

It's so quiet. Where
is everybody?

Well, I don't know
about the patients,

but all the doctors ran
out to the parking lot.

What happened?

They heard a truck scraped
a fender of a Mercedes.



[laughing] Oh!

Boom, boom, dittum, dot...

Hello, Dr. Miller. Gee!

How's everything in psychiatric?

What do you mean by
that? Nothing. I just...

I'm sorry, Terri. It's
this one patient I have.

A manic depressive.

Now, I've broken
through her defenses.

I've penetrated to the
very heart of her neuroses.

And know that I'm on the
verge of a breakthrough,

there's one gap in my
knowledge that's holding me back.

What's that?
Three little fishies.

Three little what?

Fishies. It's a silly
song from the thirties.

Three little fishies?

In the itty bitty pool.

Boom, boom, dittum,
something or other.

And Ms. Green won't talk to
me till I sing her all the words.

And I can't
remember all of them.

Too bad it isn't Blue Moon.

Blue Moon, I saw
you standing alone

without a dream in...

without a dream...

You're not helping. I know.

I just can't get through to her.

I feel like a failure.

Oh, come on, Dr. Miller.

A psychiatrist can't be
expected to know everything.

He isn't God.

He isn't?

It's a little joke. Oh.

Oh, Tom. How you doing?

How are things
in the loonie bin?

The loonie...

Armen, how many
times have I told you,

how many times have I told you,

the patient's I have are
emotionally disturbed,

not loonies.

I hate those tactless,
insensitive expressions.

You're right,
Tom. You are right.

That was very insensitive of me.

No, no, it's all my fault.

I've been under
a lot of pressure.

That's okay.

Working up there can
drive anybody whacko.

Oh, god.

Boom, boom...

Dr. Miller, are you
sure you're all right?

I don't know, Terri.

It seems like ages
since I've been off duty.

Why that's terrible! Why don't
you complain to someone?

I do, but the patient's
have their own problems.

You know I have a lady up
there who's in love with a shoe.

A shoe?

Yeah. It's not
even a pretty shoe.

It's a green wedgy.

You really need
to get out of here.

You're right. I really
need some time off.

Well, hey, how
about tonight, huh?

I mean, why don't you come
over to my place for a drink,

and then we'll go out and have
a nice, long, relaxing dinner.

How's that sound?

How's that sound?
That sounds wonderful.

Okay, Dr. Miller. You
got yourself a date.

Okay. On one condition.

You promise not to call
me Dr. Miller. It's Tom.

Now, from here on in I
don't want to hear anything

that vaguely reminds
me of medicine,

psychiatry, or hospitals.

Okay, Tom. You're the doctor.

Uh...

Where is she?

I don't know, Jack, but
if Terri doesn't hurry up

and get home, dinner
is going to get cold.

It's already cold.

Oh, no. What are we having?

Salad.

Real cute, Jack.

Wanna come on in
and give me a hand, Jan.

Okay.

Oh, Jack!

What's the matter?
A spider, A spider.

So? So? Get rid of it.

Come on, Janet. You
shouldn't be afraid of a little...

Oh, my god! It's
the size of a yam.

Get rid of it, Jack.
It looks hungry!

No! Huh?

Well, you're not
gonna kill it, are you?

Janet, it's either him or me.

No!

Oh, Jack, just push it out.

Push it?

Yeah, you know, push
it out the door, please.

All right.

We're going for
a walk little spider.

Left, right. Other
left, other right. Back.

Thank God this
is not a Centipede.

Come on, Tom.

Oh, you're not relaxing at all.

I can't help it. I can't get
my mind off that song.

Boom, boom...

You've gotta lighten
up. Laugh a little.

Hey, do you like jokes?

Oh, I love jokes.
Good. Tell me one.

Oh.

Okay. Okay.

Two dogs walk
into a bar... Yeah.

And the first dog says
to the second dog,

[barking and growling]

Alley-oop. All right, Janet.

Open the door. Get
along little spider.

[barking]

Hello.

Don't mind him. He's
been cooped up too long.

Cooped up? In the
psychiatric ward.

Sorry. I wasn't
supposed to mention that.

Why don't you come on in, Tom.

I'd like you to meet
my roommates.

Jack and Janet, this is Tom.

How are you? How are you?

I meant, hello. [Jack]
How do you do?

Well, why don't we all sit
down and I'll get us some wine.

Great. Back in a flash.

Boy, I could really use some.

Sofa.

Terri, was kidding when
she said psychiatric ward.

I wish she were.

Oh, I tell you. It's so good
to get away from there.

Oh. Do you get out often?

Oh, very rarely. They
usually keep me tied down.

Tied down?

Yeah, that's what you've gotta
expect when you're a resident.

He lives there.

Well, here we are.

Excuse me. Me, too.

Terri, are you sure you
want to give him that?

No, but we were
out of the good stuff.

No, Terri, what Jack means is,

do you think that under
the circumstances,

alcohol, you know.

He's not due back at the
hospital until ten o'clock.

Besides, my doctor says
it's great for the nerves.

Oh.

[all three] Here.

Gee, they all look so good.

I think I'll take this one.

To your health.

[All] To yours.

Well, if you'll excuse
me, I have to go change.

Sure.

Tom's taking me to
the Sea Cliff for dinner.

Uh, Terri, Terri,
hang on a second.

You're going out?
To the Sea Cliff.

Wait a minute! Shh!

Janet and I have to talk to
Terri, just about roommate things.

Hang on a second.

Terri, do you know
what you're doing?

Jack, I've been unzipping
myself since I was six.

Terri, what Jack means is,

is it all right for you
to go out with Tom?

Oh, is that what
you're worried about?

Relax. He's not married.

Terri, I mean, is he all right?

Being cooped
up with all those...

Better not say loonies.

It drives Tom up a wall.

Now would you please go take
care of him for me. Go on. Thanks.

Sure. You betcha.

Janet, hang on. Be
careful, you know.

They don't tie you down
unless you're violent.

Or dangerous.

Or criminally insane.

Come on. Don't you think
you're over-reacting a little bit?

Boom, boom...

Dittum... Tom.

[Hisses]

I almost had it.

Had what?

Oh, nothing. Nothing. Oh.

So, Tom, how are ya?

Nuts?

Oh...

Oh, I'm so sorry. I
shouldn't have said that.

Why? What's wrong with nuts?

Nothing! I love nuts.

Just that, well...

I thought perhaps you'd
prefer some cheese.

Well, anything you say. Good.

Janet. Yeah.

That was a nice move.

Listen, just don't offer
him anymore nuts.

Oh, no. And no crackers.

Oh, Jack.

Damn! What's the matter, Tom?

Oh, my watch band has come off.

Oh, Tom, that's no
reason to get excited.

Let me take a
look-see at it, okay?

Well, here's the problem.
You gotta screw loose.

I mean, no you
don't. No you don't.

It's just a little pin.
Is this an oriental...

I don't know these kinds.
Excuse me. I'm sorry.

Here we are.

Cheese?

Nice cheese?

Tom, look at the cheese.
Doesn't it look good?

Yum, yum, yum.

Here, Tom. I'll just
set it down right there.

Would you like for
me to cut you a slice?

No, thanks. I can do it.

Knife! No, no.

Soft cheese, Janet!
You're not thinking.

Now, go in and bring
him back a spoon.

Right, Jack.

The knife... will be fine.

Now look what you've
done. He's armed.

Oh, Jack.

You don't honestly think that
Terri would bring someone

here who's dangerous, do you?

Well, I guess
not. No, me either.

Boom!

Boom! Dittum!

Duttum! Wattum!

Choo!

And they fwam! And they fwam!

All over the dam!

I'll show her!

Please!

Here you go.

Well, I'm ready. Oh, so am I.

No, you're not! Why not?

Because! Because!

Because, no one's
leaving this apartment!

Yeah!

I mean, Tom... Tom...

You pushing off so soon?

We hardly had a chance to
get to know each other hardly.

Jack, we can do
that some other time.

No, no, You see, Terri,

Jack has made this
really scrumptious dinner.

He made... Salad.

Salad?

Salad, as only Jack can make it.

So why don't you two
just hang around here

and have dinner with us.

When we can eat
at the Sea Cliff?

Oh, thanks, anyway.
Come on, Tom.

Uno momento. Excuse mua.
Did you say the Sea Cliff?

I hope you remembered
to make reservations.

Oh, I forgot all about that.

What a shame. You'll
just have to stay here.

Oh, that's no problem. I
never make reservations.

Oh, then how do you get in?

Well, I just say I'm a
doctor. It always works.

Oh. Let me help
you with your wrap.

My god, Jack. Now
he thinks he's a doctor.

Next thing he'll
think he's Napoleon.

Say, Terri, You gotta second?

Folks, if I don't eat pretty
soon I'm gonna go berserk.

Wait a minute! Hang on. Hang on.

You can't leave. We, uh...

We haven't finish
playing your dog game.

My dog game? Sure.

I'll be a Schnauzer and
you be a Cocker. Here we go.

[barking]

Does he do this often?

Please just ignore
him. [barking]

No, no. It's best in these
cases just to play along.

[growling]

Yipe!

You stop that. Here, boy. Fetch!

Terri, wait! Terri, wait!

Okay, Jack. What are
we going to do now?

What can we do?

We can't just leave
her along with him.

She's not alone, Janet.

She's gonna be in a
crowded restaurant.

That's up on top of a cliff.

Overlooking the ocean.

That he could push
her into afterwards.

Oh, no! Oh, yes! Let's go!

Oh, Jack! Oh!

Get up!

You know, I don't think that
you're being fair about Jack.

I'm not saying it
wasn't a good imitation,

but even if Jack was
pretending, it's abnormal behavior.

A grown man does
not pretend to be a dog.

Unless he's telling
a real funny joke.

Oh, my god!

What, Jack? This
place looks expensive.

Never mind that.
Let's just warn Terri.

All right, you go in
and attract his attention

and I'll sneak up from
behind and push his face

in the soup and hold him there.

Jack, you just pull
yourself together. Sorry.

All we have to do is get Terri
alone, and warn her, okay?

That could work
too. Okay, let's go.

I'm sorry, sir. You cannot
get in without a jacket.

What? Oh, well, you see...

However, we do have
something here that may fit

the, uh... situation.

If you don't mind.
Oh, thank you.

This will do just fine.
Here you go, Jack.

That sleeve there. That's fine.

How do I look?

Smashing.

No. Just a moment.

Under what name was
the reservation made?

Reservation? We
don't have a reservation.

Well, then you cannot get in.

But he have to get
in to this restaurant.

Yeah, this is a matter
of life and death.

In that case, I
can fit you in...

8:30 next Tuesday.

No. Sir, I have to
get in there right now.

Uh... one of my
patients is in there.

You are a doctor?

I'm a psychiatrist.

And the man in there
is very, very disturbed.

He could be dangerous.

Why didn't you say so?

This way please. Yeah.

Ah! There he is!

Oh, Janet, he's got that
killer gleam in his eye.

We gotta get Terri
out of there. Come on.

Oh!

Out! Out!

Get out of here!

Sir, excuse me. I
have to get in there.

The man is a psycho.

Ridiculous.

That man is Dr. Miller
the psychiatrist.

Oh, come on!

Who you gonna
believe, him or me?

Look, anybody can tell you
he's a psychiatrist. I just did.

I... oh.

Why don't you go and
dine at a taco stand?

Don't you understand?

There is a lunatic
in your restaurant.

I quite agree.

Listen, if you
don't let us in there

you're going to
be in big trouble.

Will you please leave?

Do you want me to tell everyone
that your Filet Mignon is horse meat?

You wouldn't dare.

Horse meat in the
Filet... Filet Mignon!

Filet Mignon! Please, please.

Horse meat! Horse meat!

I'll go get the
doctor immediately.

Thank you very much!

Okay, Jack. You try
and keep Tom calm.

I will go and get the
police. Hurry, Janet.

There is a very disturbed
young man out front.

Do you think you could help us?

Oh, certainly.
I'll be right back.

Would you excuse us? This way.

That is the man.

I'm not surprised.

Hello, Jack.

Hi, Tom.

Golly, that's a nice jacket.

Thanks, Tom.

How are you?

Fine. How are you?

Oh, fine.

Fine. That's fine.

Not that you wouldn't
be. I just thought I'd ask.

I'm glad you did.

Well, I'm glad that you're glad.

Good.

I'm sorry.

No, I'm the one
who should be sorry.

Why should you be sorry? I
shouldn't have touched you.

Yes, you should.
No, I shouldn't.

I don't mind, Tom.

Go on.

Touch me.

I really don't
want to touch you.

Than I'll touch you.

No.

Is anything wrong, Tom?

Why...

Why do you ask, Jack?

No reason, Tom.
Isn't that silly?

You're fine. And so
are you. Believe...

I'm fine. You're fine.
We're both fine. So fine.

Just down these
stairs. Right here.

That's him, Officer! Take him!

Him? Yeah.

He's wigged out. A whacko!

He's definitely on
his way to flake city.

Trust me, he barks like a dog.

[barking]

Oh, I get it. He's the one.

No, no, no. He's sane. This
guy does bark like a dog.

First he went,
ro-ro-ro, gr-gr-gr,

and then he went, boom,
boom, dittum, wattum, choo.

Huh? Yeah, with a cheese knife.

Oh, I get it. She's the one.

Officer, this entire matter
can be straightened out.

Yes, Tom. Show the policeman.

[barking]

Go ahead, Tom. Come on.

They fwam, they
fwam, all over the dam.

How about a police dog?

[Janet and Jack bark]

If we just sit down.

We just sit down and
discuss this rationally.

Oh, don't worry we will,
down at the psycho ward.

Come on, you
two. Wait, wait, wait!

I'm not crazy and
neither is he. No?

Well, if you're not the
one, and he's not the one,

then where is the loonie?

[yelling] Loonie? Loonie?

Why don't you just say, weirdo?

Or nut-burger?

Or, hey how
about squirrel bait?!

Huh?

Maybe not as colorful as
lunatic, maniac or koo-koo.

Officer, people are
mentally disturbed.

They are not,
they are not crazy!

If... i... i... if you
call a person crazy,

he's gonna act crazy,
Don't you understand?

Oh, yeah, I
understand. Let's go.

I'm gonna take you
someplace nice and safe.

What are you? Some
kind of banana cake?

Oh.

They've got me saying it.

What are you
doing to Dr. Miller?

[both] Dr. Miller?

Yes. He's a psychiatrist.

[both] A psychiatrist?

Of course, what did you
think he was? A patient?

[both] Don't be ridiculous.

[cop clears throat]

Look. Yeah.

Yeah, I know. I know.

You know something, I
think you're all squirrel bait.

Hey, Hey! Hey!

Uh... mentally disturbed.

You know, Janet. Hmm.

I just learned something. What?

That I've got a lot to learn
about the mentally disturbed.

You sure do, Jack, but
you're getting better everyday.

I guess...

Terri, let me try and explain.

You know, I gotta tell ya.

That I never would have
guessed in a million years

that you were a psychiatrist.

I gotta tell you.

I never would have
guessed that you were sane.

I'm sorry.

Well, I tell ya. I do
feel sorry for Dr. Miller.

I mean can you imagine having
to go back to the psychiatric ward

just to get some
peace and quiet.

How could you have thought
that he was a patient anyway?

Come on, Terri, all of the
evidence pointed to that.

The boom, boom, datum, dattums,

and the ra-ra-ra-ra... Heal!

You know what I'm talking about.

Actually, Terri does
have a point, Jack.

We shouldn't have just
jumped to conclusions

because of the
way things seemed.

That's right. Circumstantial
evidence can be misleading.

You may be right. Like this guy I
met last week at the Regal Beagle.

He heard that I was living
with two beautiful girls

and he thought that
I... And you know, well,

he assumed that... you know.

Yeah. We know.

He couldn't believe the three of
us were living here platonically?

No. He kept going,
"Uh-huh, sure. Uh-huh".

Gross.

You straightened him out I hope.

Well, I...

Jack, come on. Did
you? You did, didn't you?

Well, the idea
made him so happy,

who am I to spoil his fun.

I'm only kidding. I did
straighten him out. What?

I told him that we're
living here to share the rent

and we're all like
one big happy family.

And I never ever
have any of those kinds

of thoughts about you two.

Good. Until now.

What?

Oh! Wait!

[theme music plays]

[Janet] Three's Company is
videotaped in front of a studio audience.