Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 6, Episode 26 - Mate for Each Other - full transcript

Joan, a friend of Jack & Janet stops at the apartment for a visit. She introduces her husband and says they met through a computer dating service. Jack & Janet each decide to try computer dating - and end up matched with each other.

[MAN] ♪ COME AND
KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪

[WOMAN] ♪ COME AND
KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITIN' FOR YOU ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITIN' FOR YOU ♪

[BOTH] ♪ WHERE THE KISSES
ARE HERS AND HERS AND HIS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪
♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪

♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪

♪ WE'VE A LOVEABLE SPACE
THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ YOU'LL SEE THAT LIFE IS A BALL
AGAIN LAUGHTER IS CALLING FOR YOU ♪



♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

JACK! YOU KNOW YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED
TO WALK AROUND IN YOUR UNDERWEAR!

OH, GEE, I'M SORRY. I'LL
TAKE 'EM OFF. [GASPS]

HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON OUT HERE?

IT'S JACK THE STRIPPER AGAIN.

SHAME ON YOU.

COME ON, JANET. THE HUMAN
BODY IS NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF.

I KNOW. BUT WE'RE
TALKING ABOUT YOURS.

I'LL IGNORE THAT REMARK. JANET,
WOULD YOU PLEASE IRON MY PANTS FOR ME?

WHAT AM I, YOUR
MOTHER? PLEASE, MOMMY?

GIVE 'EM TO ME, JACK.
THANK YOU, TERRENCE.



I'LL DROP 'EM OFF AT THE
CLEANERS ON MY WAY TO WORK.

NO, I NEED 'EM TONIGHT. OH,
REALLY? HEY, CATCH, JANET.

WHOO-HOO, HERE WE GO! [SCREAMS]

[DOORBELL CHIMES]
DON'T LET HIM GET 'EM.

OH, HI. HI. ARE JACK
AND JANET AROUND?

JANET, WILL YOU GIVE ME BACK
MY PANTS? COME ON, JANET. NO!

IF YOU TEAR 'EM, THEN
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA WEAR?

YO, JANET. WHOO-HOO. WHAT?

OH, HI, HI.

HI. NICE TO SEE YOU.

JOAN? YEAH.

JOANIE. OH, IT IS YOU.

I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU.
BOY, YOU'VE CHANGED.

WELL, YOU TWO HAVEN'T.
STILL HORSING AROUND, I SEE.

[LAUGHS] WELL, COME IN, PLEASE.

I'D LOVE TO, BUT WE CAN
ONLY STAY FOR A MINUTE.

I JUST WANT YOU TO
MEET MY HUSBAND, TOM.

BUT IF WE'RE INTERRUPTING
ANYTHING, WE COULD COME BACK...

NO. NO, NO, OF COURSE
NOT. HELLO, TOM. I'M JANET.

NICE TO MEET YOU.
AND THIS IS JACK.

HI. I JUST WANTED THE
GIRLS TO DO ME A FAVOR, SO...

I MEAN, UH, UH...

JACK, WHY DON'T
YOU JUST SAY HI. HI.

AND THIS IS OUR ROOMMATE,
TERRI ALDEN. HI. HOW ARE YOU?

NICE TO MEET YOU.
NICE TO MEET YOU.

COME ON. LET'S ALL SIT DOWN.
OH, YES, PLEASE, SIT DOWN.

OKAY, BUT WE CAN'T STAY LONG.
WE HAVE TO PICK UP MY MOTHER.

WHY, DID SHE FALL
DOWN? [LAUGHING]

YOU WERE FUNNIER
WITHOUT YOUR PANTS.

YOU LOOK GREAT.
REALLY. SO DO YOU.

THANK YOU. GOOD TO SEE YOU. SO,
HOW LONG HAVE YOU TWO BEEN MARRIED?

TWO YEARS. AND WE'RE
STILL ON OUR HONEYMOON.

[ALL SIGH]

YOU KNOW, I'M SURPRISED
YOU'RE NOT MARRIED, JANET.

[GROANS] YOU WOULDN'T BE IF YOU
SAW SOME OF THE DATES I'VE HAD.

WELL, I KNOW WHAT
YOU MEAN. UH-HUH.

WHAT ABOUT YOU, JACK? YOU
GONNA STAY SINGLE FOREVER?

I DON'T KNOW, JOAN. MY
TWO ROOMMATES HERE

HAVE SPOILED ME FOR
OTHER WOMEN. [SIGHS]

IF OTHER GIRLS ARE AS
MISERABLE TO LIVE WITH

AS THEY ARE, I WANT
NO PART OF MARRIAGE.

OH, JACK!

HE'S JUST MAD BECAUSE
WE KEEP SAYING NO TO HIM.

TERRI, DON'T YOU HAVE
SOMEPLACE TO GO NOW?

YOU'RE RIGHT. I'M LATE FOR
WORK. THANKS FOR REMINDING ME.

IT WAS REALLY NICE MEETING YOU. HOPE TO SEE
YOU AGAIN. BYE-BYE, GUYS. SEE YOU LATER.

BYE, TERRI. SEE YOU LATER.

GOSH, I LIKE HER.
YEAH, SHE'S A NICE GIRL.

YEAH. THAT'S HER ONE FAULT.

YOU'RE REALLY THAT
DOWN ON MARRIAGE, JACK?

WELL...

LOOK, I JUST HAVEN'T
FOUND MS. RIGHT YET.

HAVE YOU EVER TRIED
COMPUTER DATING?

COMPUTER DATING? UH, NO.

THAT'S NOT QUITE FOR
ME. WELL, WHY NOT?

WELL, I DON'T WANNA
WIND UP WITH A LEMON.

THAT'S HOW I MET MY WIFE.

WELL, UH, YOU KNOW,
LOOK. I LOVE LEMONS:

LEMONADE, LEMON MERINGUE
PIE, JACK LEMON... WONDERFUL.

IT'S ALL RIGHT, JACK, REALLY. A LOT
OF PEOPLE HAVE THE WRONG IDEA

ABOUT COMPUTER DATING.

WELL, IS THAT HOW YOU
GUYS MET? I MEAN, REALLY?

YES. I WAS TIRED OF
THE GIRLS I WAS DATING.

NO BRAINS. JUST PRETTY FACES AND BEAUTIFUL
BODIES. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, JACK.

OH, YEAH, WHAT A DRAG.

NOW I'VE GOT BOTH. YOU'RE LUCKY.

WELL, YOU COULD BE TOO. YOU JUST
TELL THE COMPUTER WHAT YOU WANT,

AND BY GOLLY, THAT'S
EXACTLY WHAT YOU GET.

EXACTLY? OH, YEAH.

HIS BROTHER MET A BEAUTY
CONTEST WINNER THAT WAY.

OH. WELL, NO. THANKS ANYWAY,
TOM. I'M NOT TOO INTERESTED.

LET ME JUST WRITE DOWN THE
NAME IN CASE YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BOTHER
WITH THAT. COMPUDATE.

HONEY, WE REALLY
HAVE TO BE GOING.

BUT YOU JUST GOT HERE. OH,
JOANIE. I'M GLAD TO SEE YOU.

THANK YOU. AND, TOM, I
ENJOYED MEETING YOU.

SO DID I. [JANET LAUGHS]

NOW THAT YOU'RE BACK IN THE
NEIGHBORHOOD, WILL YOU STOP BY?

OH, SURE. BYE, JACK. BYE-BYE.

[TOM] TAKE CARE. [JANET]
OKAY, WE WILL. BYE.

WELL, HOW ABOUT THAT? CAN YOU IMAGINE
ANYONE GOING TO A COMPUTER FOR A DATE?

YEAH, ANOTHER COMPUTER.

[LAUGHS] I'M GONNA
GO TAKE A SHOWER.

YOU'D HAVE TO BE PRETTY
DESPERATE, WOULDN'T YOU? OH, RIGHT.

[DOORBELL CHIMES]
[LARRY] YO, JACK!

IT'S OPEN, LARRY.

[WHISTLING]

HEY, PAL, LOOKIN' GOOD!

WOW.

THANKS, LAR.
EXCEPT FOR THAT TIE.

IT KILLS THE WHOLE EFFECT. IT'S
MY DATE'S FAVORITE COLOR... BLUE.

YOU'RE LETTING HER WALK ALL
OVER YOU. I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS.

COME ON. WHAT JACKET DO
YOU THINK GOES WITH THIS TIE?

NOTHING GOES WITH THAT TIE.

I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS.
JUST MAKE YOURSELF AS USUAL.

[LAUGHING]

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE JACKET?

IT'S NOT THAT. COMPUTER DATING?

LET ME SEE THAT. YOU'RE GOING ON
A COMPUTER DATE? WHAT HAPPENED?

YOU GIVE UP ON GIRLS? [COMPUTERIZED
VOICE] HELLO. I AM YOUR COMPUTER DATE.

[BEEPING] DO NOT FOLD,
SPINDLE OR MUTILATE.

OKAY, LARRY, COME
ON. KNOCK IT OFF.

SERIOUSLY, JACK. WHAT HAPPENS
WHEN YOU GO AND KISS HER GOOD NIGHT?

YOU MIGHT SHORT-CIRCUIT
SOMETHING. [BEEPING]

LARRY, LARRY, LARRY! YOU WANNA
PULL THE PLUG ON IT, PLEASE?

TELL ME, NOW WHAT DID JANET
AND TERRI SAY ABOUT THIS?

THE SUBJECT NEVER CAME UP. AH.

AND IT NEVER WILL, RIGHT, LARRY?

HEY, PAL, YOUR
SECRET IS SAFE WITH ME.

IT'S NOT THAT I HAVE ANYTHING TO
HIDE OR I'M ASHAMED OR ANYTHING.

WHO'S DUKE
BRADFORD? GIVE ME THAT!

SO, YOU HAVE NOTHING
TO HIDE, EH, DUKE?

LOOK, LARRY. YEAH, DUKE?

IT'S JUST THAT I DON'T KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT THIS GIRL.

ALL THEY TELL YOU IS HER NAME
AND WHERE AND WHEN TO MEET HER.

SO, I THOUGHT I'D PLAY IT SAFE
AND USE A DIFFERENT NAME.

THE DUKE NEVER PLAYS IT SAFE.

IF THINGS GO WRONG,
HE CALLS IN THE CAVALRY.

♪♪ ["CHARGE"]

FORWARD, HO!

LARRY...

HIYA, LARRY. WHAT'S UP?
NO TIME TO TALK, PILGRIM.

I'VE GOTTA MOSEY ON DOWN TO THE
SALOON AND DRINK ME SOME RED-EYE.

HOWARD COSELL!

YOU'RE A DISGRACE TO
THE REGIMENT, YELLOW HAIR.

WAGONS, HO!

GABBY HAYES.

HI, TERRI. HI, JACK.

WHERE'S JANET? I CAN'T WAIT
TO SHOW HER WHAT I BOUGHT.

SHE'LL BE WORKING LATE. I
HAVE TO WORK TONIGHT TOO.

THAT'S TOO BAD. YOU COULD HAVE HAD
THE WHOLE PLACE TO YOURSELF TONIGHT.

WHY? ARE YOU GOING OUT?

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT?

BECAUSE YOU LOOK
SO... SO... CLEAN.

OH. WELL, I...

I AM SORT OF GOING OUT TONIGHT.

WELL, WHO ARE YOU
SORT OF GOING OUT WITH?

A GIRL. THAT NARROWS IT DOWN.
WHERE DID YOU MEET THIS GIRL?

AROUND. EXCUSE ME.

IS IT MY IMAGINATION, OR WOULD YOU
RATHER NOT TALK ABOUT THIS DATE?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
OF COURSE I DON'T MIND.

IT'S YOUR IMAGINATION. SILLY,
TERRI. I DON'T MIND TALKING.

YOU CAN ASK ME ANYTHING
YOU WANT. WHERE YOU GOING?

OUT. EXCUSE ME.

MAY I HELP YOU, SIR?
HI, I'M DUKE BRADFORD.

YES, MR. BRADFORD. WE
HAVE YOUR TABLE READY.

OH, VERY GOOD. I'M MEETING A
YOUNG LADY HERE FOR DINNER TONIGHT.

WELL, I CAN SHOW YOU TO YOUR TABLE NOW
AND BRING YOUR PARTY OVER WHEN SHE ARRIVES.

VERY, VERY, VERY GOOD. THANKS.

BY THE WAY, HER NAME
IS, UH, DAISY RAY JOHNSON.

SHE'LL BE ASKING FOR ME, DUKE
BRADFORD. YOU WON'T FORGET, WILL YOU?

NO, I DON'T THINK SO.

YOU DON'T MEET MANY
DUKES THESE DAYS. GOOD MAN.

[COUGHING]

[YELPING]

[MAITRE D'] YES, MISS JOHNSON,
MR. BRADFORD IS EXPECTING YOU.

THIS WAY, PLEASE.

WHY, UH, JACK, UH, WHATEVER
ARE YOU DOING HERE?

HUH? OH, UH, I'M JUST DOING A SURVEY
OF RESTAURANTS FOR MR. ANGELINO.

VERY NICE PLACE YOU'VE
GOT HERE. GREAT CONDITION.

THANK YOU, MR. BRADFORD.

I HOPE YOU AND MISS
JOHNSON ENJOY YOUR DINNER.

THANK YOU.

OH, GOSH.

[LAUGHING]

WHAT'S SO FUNNY?

DAISY RAY?

THAT'S DESIREE.

AND YOU SHOULD TALK. LUKE.

THAT'S DUKE.

OF ALL THE STUPID NAMES.

WHO YOU CALLING STUPID?
DUKE BRADFORD, THAT'S WHO.

IT'S A DUMB NAME.
OH, THE DUMB TIE.

THIS IS BLUE. BLUE IS YOUR
FAVORITE COLOR. NOT ANYMORE.

EXCUSE ME. WOULD YOU CARE
FOR A DRINK BEFORE DINNER?

NO. YES.

ALL RIGHT. TWO GLASSES OF WHITE
WINE, PLEASE. I'LL HAVE THE SAME.

COME ON, JANET. AS LONG AS WE'RE HERE,
WE MIGHT AS WELL MAKE THE BEST OF IT.

WHAT? YOU MEAN GO
AHEAD WITH THE DATE?

WELL, SURE. OH, JACK.

I'D FEEL SILLY. WE'VE BEEN
LIVING TOGETHER FOR FIVE YEARS.

IT'S ABOUT TIME WE HAD A DATE.

YEAH, YEAH, OKAY. WELL,
WHAT SHOULD WE DO?

I THINK WE SHOULD
ORDER A GOURMET DINNER.

HEY, YOU'RE A VERY NICE DATE.

SIR, CAESAR SALAD.

AND THEN CHATEAUBRIAND,
MEDIUM RARE, AND RICE PILAF.

VERY GOOD, SIR. MERCI.

WOW. JACK, YOU KNEW
EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED.

THERE MIGHT BE SOMETHING TO
THIS COMPUTER STUFF AFTER ALL.

DESIREE. BRICK.

THAT'S DUKE. DUKE.

TO THE ELECTRONIC AGE!

MMM. NOT BAD.

WELL, NEITHER ARE YOU.

WHAT? I DON'T KNOW, JANET.

IT MIGHT BE THE
LIGHTING IN HERE,

BUT I NEVER REALIZED
HOW LOVELY YOU ARE.

OH.

THANK YOU VERY
MUCH, JACK. HURT ME.

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT I NEVER
REALIZED ABOUT YOU BEFORE? WHAT?

THAT YOUR FAVORITE
POET IS EMILY DICKINSON.

OH.

WELL, I... I JUST
SORT OF SAID THAT

ON THE COMPUTER CARD TO
MAKE ME SOUND MORE ROMANTIC.

DO YOU MEAN THAT YOU
LIED ON YOUR QUESTIONNAIRE?

WELL, JUST A TEENY,
WEENIE WHITE ONE.

OH, JACK. HOW SMALL!

OH, YEAH?

AND YOU'RE REALLY 5'7"?

WITH HEELS.

AND YOUR MEASUREMENTS
ARE REALLY... YES, THEY ARE!

KINDA.

LORDY, LORDY, LORDY. YEAH.

AHH.

WELL. WELL.

WELL. WELL, WELL, WELL.

WELL, AFTER YOU SOFTEN UP
YOUR DATE WITH A NICE WINE,

WHAT DO YOU USUALLY DO NEXT?

OH, WELL, UH,

IF SHE'S PRETTY, I, UH... NAH.

WHAT? I DON'T THINK I SHOULD.

TELL ME. YOU DON'T WANNA KNOW.

IS THIS A DATE OR NOT? NOW
TELL ME. ALL RIGHT. I KISS HER.

GOOD! OUR SALAD.

THANK YOU.

ALL RIGHT, KISS ME.

GO AHEAD. LET'S JUST GET IT
OVER WITH. KISS ME. BUT, JANET...

JACK, PLEASE, I DON'T
WANNA WASTE THE REST OF

A NICE DINNER WORRYING
WILL HE OR WON'T HE.

AND I'LL BE THINKING,
DOES SHE OR DOESN'T SHE?

NOW, A DATE IS A DATE. KISS ME.

CAN I FINISH WHAT I'M CHEWING
FIRST. OH, SURE. DON'T EAT THE ONION.

I DIDN'T TOUCH IT. OH, GOOD.

WAIT A MINUTE.

OKAY. JACK.

OH!

MMM, MMM. YOU PACK
A MEAN ONE THERE.

RELAX.

THIS IS NO GOOD. YOU
CHANGE YOUR MIND?

NO, IT'S JUST THAT I'M A RIGHTY.

I FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE
FROM THIS SIDE. [LAUGHS]

SWITCH OVER. JUST
SLIDE. PEOPLE WILL SEE.

NO ONE WILL SEE. OW! [MUTTERING]

EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME.

DO YOU REALLY HAVE TO GET
COMFORTABLE TO GIVE ME ONE LITTLE KISS?

TRUST ME. I DO MY BEST WORK
AS A RIGHT-HANDER. OKAY, OKAY.

READY? READY.

OKAY.

[GROANS] [MOANS]

YOU REALLY THINK IT'S WORTH IT?
THAT'S WHAT WE'RE TRYING TO FIND OUT.

THIS TIME JUST TILT YOUR
HEAD TO THE RIGHT, OKAY?

OKAY, OKAY. GO SLOW.

OKAY. CLOSE YOUR EYES.

JANET, I SAID TILT YOUR HEAD
TO THE RIGHT. THIS IS MY RIGHT!

IF I MEANT YOUR RIGHT, I WOULD HAVE SAID
"YOUR RIGHT." "THE RIGHT" IMPLIES MY RIGHT.

THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY YOUR
RIGHT OR MY LEFT OR WHATEVER?

I DON'T NEED ANY CRITICISM! NO ONE'S
EVER PICKED ON MY KISSING BEFORE!

JUST SHUT UP AND
KISS ME! OKAY, FINE!

YOU KNOW WHAT? WHAT?

I'M STARVING. ME TOO. LET'S EAT.

LOOK, TERRI MUST'VE LEFT THE
LIGHTS ON WHEN SHE WENT TO WORK.

HEY, JACK. I HAD A
WONDERFUL TIME.

WELL, YOU MADE IT WONDERFUL.

BUT, JANET, FOR A WHILE THERE, I DIDN'T
THINK YOU WERE GONNA GO THROUGH WITH IT.

WELL, DON'T YOU THINK I
HAD A RIGHT TO BE NERVOUS?

WE NEVER DID ANYTHING
LIKE THAT BEFORE?

BUT AFTER WE KISSED, EVERYTHING
SEEMED TO FALL RIGHT INTO PLACE.

YEAH. WELL, NOT
QUITE EVERYTHING.

THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU NEVER DID KNOW
WHERE TO PUT YOUR NOSE.

DO YOU WANNA GO
TO BED? YES, I'M READY.

HOW 'BOUT A LITTLE
NIGHTCAP FIRST? GOOD IDEA.

OKAY.

[KNOCKING]

HI, TERRI. I THOUGHT I
HEARD JACK COME IN.

I GOTTA FIND OUT HOW
HE MADE OUT ON HIS DATE.

YOU KNEW ABOUT IT? YOU
KNEW? [HIGH-PITCHED GRUNT]

TERRI, TERRI, WHAT'S THE MATTER?

THE ROOMMATE'S
ALWAYS THE LAST TO KNOW.

WELL, JACK WAS A LITTLE BIT TOO
EMBARRASSED TO TELL ANYBODY.

I CAN'T SAY I BLAME HIM.

WOULD YOU CUT IT OUT,
LARRY? WAS THAT TERRI?

I THOUGHT SHE WAS WORKING. YEAH.

[LARRY] COME ON. WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH A GUY TRYING TO HAVE A LITTLE FUN?

[TERRI] FUN? IS THAT
ALL IT IS TO YOU... FUN?

[LARRY] TERRI, HONEY, DON'T
MAKE SUCH A BIG DEAL OUT OF IT.

WHAT A RAT. LARRY, GET OUT HERE!

LISTEN, BUDDY. I'VE BEEN LOOKING
FOR YOU. IN THE GIRLS' BEDROOM?

YEAH, WELL, TERRI'S
A LITTLE UPSET.

AND WHOSE FAULT IS
THAT? I DON'T KNOW!

OH. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

STAY OUT OF THIS.
I CAN HANDLE HIM.

WOULD YOU LET GO OF HIM! YOU DON'T HAVE
TO STICK UP FOR HIM. HE ISN'T WORTH IT.

YES, I AM!

LEAVE HIM ALONE!

HOW CAN YOU STICK UP FOR
HIM AFTER WHAT HE DID TO YOU?

HE WAS TRYING TO
MAKE ME FEEL BETTER.

[GASPS]

STILL USING THAT LINE,
HUH, LARRY? WHAT LINE?

WOULD YOU LET GO OF
HIM! HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!

TERRI, COME ON. YOU
DON'T HAVE TO LIE FOR HIM.

OH, YOU SHOULD TALK. HA!

WHAT? OH, THERE ARE
LIES AND THERE ARE LIES,

BUT THE BIGGEST LIE OF ALL IS
WHEN SOMEONE TELLS THE TRUTH

BECAUSE THEY
DON'T SEE YOU THERE!

WHA... WHAT ARE
YOU TALKING ABOUT?

OH, YOU KNOW WHAT
I'M TALKING ABOUT.

YOU MAY NOT KNOW WHERE YOUR NOSE
IS, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!

CAN I SAY SOMETHING
HERE? [BOTH] NO!

AND THE NEXT TIME YOU TWO GO OUT ON A DATE
TOGETHER, YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIE ABOUT IT!

I TOLD YOU, SHE'S UPSET. SHE
THINKS YOU TWO WENT OUT ON A DATE.

WE DID GO OUT ON A DATE.

[GROANS] A COMPUTER
FIXED US UP WITH EACH OTHER.

A COMPUTER? [LARRY CACKLING]

YOU SIGNED UP FOR
A COMPUTER DATE

AND GOT STUCK WITH JANET?

AND OF COURSE, YOU
GOT STUCK WITH JACK.

REAL SMOOTH. SEE, TERRI.

JACK AND I WERE KIND OF
EMBARRASSED ABOUT THE WHOLE THING.

SO, WE JUST DECIDED WE
WOULDN'T SAY ANYTHING, THAT'S ALL.

OH, SO THAT YOU MEAN...
THAT HE... THAT YOU... RIGHT.

OH!

I THOUGHT YOU WERE
WORKING TONIGHT.

I DID GO TO WORK,
BUT I GOT OFF EARLY.

OH, DID THAT... SO
YOU... [BOTH] OHHH.

NOW THAT THIS IS ALL STRAIGHTENED
OUT, I SHALL SAY GOOD NIGHT.

NOT SO FAST, BUSTER.

LARRY, WHAT ABOUT YOU
AND TERRI IN THE BEDROOM?

NOTHING HAPPENED.

UH, TERRI, DON'T...
DON'T SAY NOTHING.

AFTER ALL, I DO HAVE A
REPUTATION TO UPHOLD.

[SCREAMS]

THEN YOU DID TAKE ADVANTAGE
OF HER? NO, I'M JUST KIDDING.

LARRY WAS A PERFECT
GENTLEMAN. [JANET] LARRY?

HA! YES, LARRY.

I WAS IN THAT BEDROOM
ON A MISSION OF MERCY.

TRYING TO KEEP THIS POOR
GIRL FROM FALLING APART.

TRYING TO MAKE PEACE
BETWEEN MY FRIENDS.

MY MOTIVES WERE HIGH
AND MY HEART WAS PURE.

DOES ANYBODY SAY,
"THANK YOU, LARRY"?

NO. I JUST GET
KICKED IN THE HEAD.

GOD, IT FEELS GOOD
TO BE VIRTUOUS.

WHO WAS THAT MASKED MAN?

[LAUGHS] WELL, GUYS, THIS
HAS BEEN QUITE A NIGHT.

I'M GONNA GO TO BED, OKAY?

ME TOO, TERRI. GOOD NIGHT, JACK.

HANG ON, JANET.
WAIT A SECOND. WHAT?

UH, OUR DATE'S NOT
QUITE OVER YET. WHAT?

THERE'S STILL SOME UNFINISHED
BUSINESS. JACK, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

BEFORE YOU SAY ONE MORE THING,

LET ME SAY THAT I DID HAVE
A WONDERFUL TIME TONIGHT,

BUT IT WAS NOT
REALLY A "DATE DATE,"

IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

OKAY, WHAT'D YOU WANT?

WELL, ALL I WANTED
TO SAY WAS THAT

YOUR HALF OF THE
BILL COMES TO 33.85.

WHAT! THAT DOESN'T INCLUDE TIP.

OH, JACK! I TOOK CARE
OF THE PARKING... OW!

JANET?

SO, HOW WAS YOUR DATE WITH
JACK? THE FOOD WAS TERRIFIC.

FORGET THE FOOD. HOW WAS JACK?

WELL... [DOORKNOB RATTLING]

WELL, JACK WAS FANTASTIC.

WAS HE THAT GOOD?

BETTER!

WHEN OUR LIPS MET, IT JUST SEEMED
THAT HE PUSHED ALL THE RIGHT BUTTONS.

I TELL YOU, TERRI, I THINK I
COULD REALLY FALL FOR JACK.

AND I'LL TELL YOU
SOMETHING, JANET.

I THINK JACK COULD
REALLY FALL FOR YOU.

NO! YES!

THREE'S COMPANY WAS VIDEOTAPED
IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.