Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 6, Episode 23 - And Now, Here's Jack - full transcript

Jack prepares poached salmon on a television show with Janet and Terri as assistants. On the day of filming, the director changes the layout of the kitchen without telling Jack. Jack cannot find anything in the kitchen and the girls are no help.

[man] ♪ Come and
knock on our door ♪

[woman] ♪ Come and
knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪
♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

[both] ♪ Where the kisses
are hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪
♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪
♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a loveable space
that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ You'll see that life is a ball
again Laughter is calling for you ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪



♪ Three's company too ♪

[doorbell ringing]

I'll get it, Terri.

Okay.

Hi. Hi.

Who is it, Janet?
It's only Mr. Furley.

Oh.

Do you wanna come in?

Thank you. Uh-huh.

Hi. Hi. [chuckling]

Do you want something?

Want something? Uh-huh.

Do I always have
to want something?

Can't a person come up to pass
the time of day? Be neighborly?



I'm sorry... You'd think
talkin' had gone out of style.

I'm sure... What's
happened to communication?

Nothing. Let's talk.

Please. Sit down and
we'll talk. Well, thank you.

Yes, Mr. Furley?

Nothing. Just a little gas.

Oh.

[clears throat] Yes, Terri?

Nothing. I was just
clearing my throat.

Oh.

You got a cold? No.

That's good.

[clears throat]

I had a cold.

It went away.

Yeah... [clears throat]

It was a real bad cough.

A lot of coughing.

A lot of sneezing.

Nose running all over the
place... [Jack] I'm home!

Thank goodness! Wait! I was
right in the middle of my cold.

Excuse me. I'm going
to be on television! What?

Television? Yeah, Mike O'Connell
had lunch at Angelino's today.

You mean that guy who's the
host of L.A. Today? That's right.

He went crazy over the food and asked
me to give a cooking demonstration.

You're kidding?

That's wonderful,
Jack! That's wonderful!

I'm really excited for
you! Our own Jack is

going to be on TV
giving a cooking lesson!

Yeah, just like the
Galloping Gourmet!

Don't you mean
the "Gay Gourmet"?

[hisses]

Jack. Jack, what are
you going to make?

I'm going to make my specialty:
poached salmon in aspic.

That's it? You're
gonna cook a fish?

Yes.

Too bad, Jack.
Click-o, turn off time.

People wanna see something
more exciting than you and a fish.

They want something with a
little pizzazz. Uh-huh. Like what?

Well, like a classy
assistant to dress up the act.

That's not bad.

Someone with sex
appeal, personality, charm...

He's right. I'm gonna do it!

Good. What do you
want me to wear, Jack?

Not you, Mr. Furley.
Terri and Janet.

All right, suit yourself! You want
amateur night, it's okay by me!

But remember, you could
have had all this and you blew it!

Did someone spike
his prune juice or what?

Girls, will you do it? Are
you kidding? Of course!

Yay, Terri. What
about you? I don't know.

I've never done
anything like this before.

You girls always say that.

Jack! Come on. Say yes.

Oh, come on! Please.

Yes! [shouts]

I knew I could count on you.

What do you want
us to do? Let's see...

I'll come up first and
I'll charm the audience.

And then I'll bring you two out.

Get back in your
bedroom and we'll practice,

okay? I'll practice
bringing you out.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like
to introduce my two beautiful assistants.

First of all, from Speedway,
Indiana, Janet Woods! Janet...

There'll be some
applause here. "Yay, yay."

And my other beautiful assistant,
from Longmeadow, Massachusetts,

Miss Terri Alden! Terri...

What's that?

What's what?

That!

What's wrong with that?

[guffawing] What's
wron... Jack, tell her.

Well, I think what Janet's
trying to say is that,

your sexy kind of walk

makes her look plain,
dull and potato-like.

What?

How about this?

While I'm preparing the salmon,

why don't you tell a joke?

Like what?

You could, like, uh...

What do you call a musical fish?

What?

A "piano tuna."

Piano tuna, piano tuna.

Okay, okay. Isn't that funny?

What am I going to be doing
while she's telling jokes?

You'll be chopping parsley.

What? If you wanna tell
the joke, you tell the joke.

Don't take my joke away!

Okay, both of you tell the
joke. That's a good idea.

I'll ask the question and
you say, "What," okay?

What do you call a musical fish?

A piano tuna!

No! You're supposed to say,
"What?" and I say the punch line.

Why? [both argue]

Oh, forget it. This
is too... Forget it.

Forget the whole thing.

If you two are gonna act like prima
donnas, I'm going to get somebody else.

Now look what you did.

Hi, this is Jack. I'm
so glad I caught you.

How would you like to be on
television with me next week?

Why? Because
you're sexy. You will?

Just a second. Wait, wait, wait.

We're sorry. We promise to do whatever
you say. We won't give you any trouble.

Promise? Swear to God.

Cross our hearts!

Sorry. I'm gonna use the
girls after all, Mr. Furley.

[both] Mr. Furley!

Do you want... No! No!

We're gonna need all this space
to rehearse it. [doorbell ringing]

I'll get that. Thanks, Jack.

Do you have everything?

Oh, hi, Larry. Did
you hear that, girls?

Practically a star and we're
still on a first name basis.

What do you say we grab a
couple of brews? Sorry, pal, I can't.

One lousy show, the
man thinks he's God.

I've gotta rehearse.

You wanna watch us? I
don't wanna be in the way.

We need an
audience. [Janet] Yeah.

Okay, I'll just sit over here,
quietly. Okay, sit down. Be real quiet.

First Mr. Angelino is going to come
out and talk about his restaurant.

Then Jack comes out. Okay?

All right, let's give it
a try. Terri, get ready.

All right.

And now, he-e-e-re's
Jackie! Hi-O!

I'm sorry. I've always
wanted to do that.

"Hi. My name is Jack Tripper.

"Today I'll be making
poached salmon is aspic.

"I chose poached salmon..."

Hold it!

You're not gonna
stand and read, are you?

I wanna make sure I
don't leave anything out.

Buddy, you're gonna lose
your audience. I gotta...

You don't need this.

Go ahead. Go ahead.

Good morning. Don't look
at me. Look at the camera.

Camera? There is a
camera in front of you.

My name... Don't forget, there
is gonna be a microphone on top.

Above you.

My name is...
Don't look at the mic.

Look at the camera.

My name is... Don't be so stiff!

Loosen up. Relax, buddy.
Come on. Here we go.

Go ahead.

My name is, uh... Jack Tripper.

I know.

My name is Jack Tripper and
I'm going to be making, um...

uh... [whispering]
Poached salmon.

Yeah.

Uh... speaking of salmon.

That reminds me. Uh... Oh, God,
I forgot what that reminds me of.

I'm not gonna remember
a thing without my paper!

Okay, okay, I got it.

Look, why don't you write
out your whole routine on cards

and place them
where you'll be working.

What? If you forget, you'll
have the cards in front of you.

You mean, like crib
sheets? What a good idea!

How'd you think of that? How do
you think I made it through high school?

Okay, Terri. Let's see.

I'll be preparing the salmon here, so
I'll tape this card to the sugar shaker.

Good idea. Okay. Now, Janet.

When I talk about how we serve the salmon
at Angelino's, you hand me the parsley.

Serve the salmon,
Angelino's... Oh!

No one will know.

Okay, I think that
takes care of everything.

Not everything. I still
have my opening remarks.

Oh. [gasps]

How about your hat? Inside?

That's a great idea. Let's see.

Good morning, my
name is Jack Tripper.

I'm going to be making...
This'll be perfect.

Tripper, my boy!

Oh, Mr. Angelino...

How are you feeling?
Oh, fine, thanks.

I just hope I do all right.

All right? You're
gonna be wonderful!

Well... And why
shouldn't you be?

With your talent and my genius,

I have all the confidence
in the world in you.

I appreciate that, sir.

Do you have any
last-minute advice for me?

I do. What?

Don't screw up!

Don't forget the
name. Angelino's.

What's the matter? You
ashamed of it? No, sir.

Then let's hear it!
[shouting] Angelino's!

Hey! That's more like
it, son! We'll do fine.

Let's see...

You're on in 20 minutes.
Better get to make-up.

I hope they don't make
me too good-looking.

You're not nervous, are you?
Not now. This'll be a piece of cake!

Let's go to make-up. Ahh!

That way, Terri. Oh.

Hey, this is all wrong!
That isn't the way I wanted it.

Get rid of that sugar shaker and those go
on the other table. Replace that parsley.

Hurry up. We gotta
rearrange everything.

[man over loudspeaker]
Stand by. Five seconds.

And if you could mention the
phone number while we're on the air...

♪♪ [theme music]

[inaudible dialogue]

Hey!

Welcome back to the
second half of L.A. Today.

We missed you. [chuckling]

I'm Mike O'Connell
and I'm sayin'...

this world would be a much,
much better place for us to live in

if all of us would just reach
out and touch someone.

But not in an elevator.

Okay!

I'm sittin' here with a great guy, a
very near, very dear friend of mine,

Mr. Angostino of
Angostino's Restaurant.

Angelino's!

What does it take to be a big
success in the restaurant business?

Me!

But seriously,
what is the secret?

Well, the secret is
having a good chef.

And we happen to have a great
chef. The best young chef in town.

As a matter of fact,

this young man is someone that
I've personally discovered and trained.

His name is Jack Tripper.

Well, what are we waiting for?
Let's bring that visiting chef out here.

Let's meet and
greet Jack Tripper.

♪♪

Good morning. I'm Jack Tripper.

That's using my head, isn't it?

My name is Jack Tripper
and today I'll be making

poached salmon in aspic.

But before I begin, I'd like you to
meet my two, beautiful assistants:

Janet Wood and Terri Alden.

[audience applauds]

Terri, here, is a nurse.

I thought she
might come in handy

in case I have to
doctor some sauces.

Doesn't she have a lovely smile?

And Janet is... right here.

Janet. [gasping]

It's so rare to find an
assistant these days

"who can be enjoyed as a
main course or just a cold snack."

Of course...
[squeaks, clears throat]

Of course, I'm sure Chef
Tripper was referring to the, uh...

The, uh, poached salmon.

[mumbling] The poached salmon.

Right! All right.

"Is there any more majestic
site than your poached salmon?"

Maybe not.

"It's tender, pink meat
will melt in your mouth

"if you remember to poach it

"over a slow flame for
no more than two hours."

[mumbling] Oh!

J-Jack Tripper?

[chuckling]

Wouldn't it get done faster if
you cooked it over a higher heat?

Yes, it would, Janet.

"But by cooking it at
a low temperature,"

your salmon will be
"Made in Taiwan."

Um... isn't there
something special

about the way you serve
your salmon at Angelino's?

Yes, I'm very glad you
asked me that, Janet.

Is our salmon special?

Yes!

[shouting] Yes! Yes!

Jack... [gasping]

Jack, perhaps this would be

the time to show the people
how to make the aspic.

The aspic?

The aspic. Right. Yes.

The aspic.

"That century-old gelatin."

The three ingredients
we will need are:

beef consommé...

gelatin...

and, of course, the cognac.

Do something!

What? Anything!

Show a commercial!

Are you kidding? This is great!

Chef Tripper?

What are the measurements?

What?

Huh?

You know. The ingredients.

Oh, oh, yes.

The ingredients are: "Two
cups of beef consommé,

"and then one tablespoon...
One tablespoon of gelatin,

"stirred over... [grunts]

"a low flame until the
gelatin is completely dissolved

"and then one
tablespoon of cognac.

"If you want to taste a really
delicious poached salmon,

"take it from
somebody who knows.

"This is a great aspic."

[laughing] I'm sorry, Jack,
but your time's about up.

I have more... I'd
love to let you finish.

But I don't think your recipe
would conform to the building code!

We'll be back after this
commercial. ♪♪ [theme music]

Tripper! What have
you done to me?

I'm ruined! Finished!
And as for you... I'm fired?

Congratulations! At least
you got something right today!

Jack...

Jack, come on. Getting fired is
not the worst thing in the world.

Yeah. You should
be used to it by now.

I'll never get hired again, not
after making a fool of myself.

[doorbell ringing] Oh,
Jack. Don't be ridiculous.

Nobody even saw you.

Nobody watches a
local show like that.

Well, maybe you're
right. Of course, I'm right.

[Janet] Hi.

Jack, you still in town?

What? You got
more guts than I have.

I would have gone straight
from that show to Tahiti!

Cut it out. Nobody even saw
Jack. What? Are you kidding?

The gang down at
the Beagle saw it.

Oh, no. How did
they find out I was on?

I told them. Great.

What did they say?

Nothing. They were
all too busy laughing.

That's not all.

Oh, yes, it is!

Terri, I loved your
smile! [laughing]

"No one watches that show"?

Oh, a few losers at the Regal
Beagle. So what? [telephone ringing]

Hello.

Oh, hi, Mom. What's
doing in San Diego?

[laughing over phone]

Mom, could you stop laughing...

Just a local show, huh?

Mom?

[laughing continues] Mom? Mom?

Will you call me back
when you stop laughing?

Good night. Come again.

No, I'm sorry but we're all
booked up for the rest of the week.

Yes, it seemed quite a lot
of people watched that show

and loved the chef.

Yeah.

Tripper!

Don't worry. I'm just
gonna clear out my locker.

You really made a mess of
things this morning, didn't you?

Yeah, I know. Wait!

Everybody makes mistakes.

Even me.

I'm probably making a
big mistake right now. Huh?

But if you really do wanna
come back... Oh, I do, I do, I do!

At a $25.00 pay cut?
Well, I'll take a chance.

Only a $25.00 pay cut?
Mr. Angelino, you're too kind.

Well, you know me and
my big, soft heart, huh?

Okay, get into the kitchen and
start cooking, son. [telephone ringing]

Thank you. Use the
service entrance in the back.

It's quicker this way. No!

It's him!

Mr. Tripper, I saw
you on TV this morning.

You were wonderful!

Really? I drove all
the way from Encino

just hoping to meet you.

You're so funny!

Thank you very much!

Excuse me one second, would you?

Jack, I-I-I... I
forgot to mention.

It seems a few people
watched the show this morning...

Mr. Angelino? Yes, Jack?

We were discussing
my $25.00 pay raise?

Raise? I didn't say raise.

Well, maybe I'll just
go clear out my locker.

Of course I said raise!
I said a $25.00 raise!

And every other weekend off.

Ev-v-v... Forget it!

You mean,

you don't want me to
work here anymore?

[customers sigh]

Of course I do.

Why else would I give you
every other weekend off?

I'm gonna get you
for this one, Tripper.

It's great to be
back. Thank you.

I not only got my job back, but
Mr. Angelino gave me a raise as well!

That's wonderful!
[doorbell ringing]

Boy, I tell you, I feel great.
Tell me about the raise again.

Hi. Hi, Janet. [chuckling]

I caught you on that TV show.

Let's just forget about that.

I don't blame ya.

But none of that would have happened
if you'd have used me as your assistant.

You know, a real
veteran of the theater.

You were in the theater?

Yeah, back in the fourth grade.

We put on this little piece about
pilgrims landing at Plymouth Rock.

I played the title role.

Miles Standish?

Plymouth Rock.

You played a rock?

Yeah. It wasn't easy.

I had to lie perfectly still
and not move a muscle.

That's very... That's
hard to do, you know?

I was doing it just great
until that stupid Delroy Wilkins

came ashore and stepped on me.

Ow. I'll bet that hurt.

Not near as much as
when he planted the flag.

[Theme music playing]