Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 6, Episode 21 - Critic's Choice - full transcript

A food critic's article says there are no great food chefs in the city. Janet & Terri encourage Jack to invite the critic to the apartment to review his food for the newspaper. The critic comes, but seems more interested in the gals.

[man] ♪ Come and
knock on our door ♪

[woman] ♪ Come and
knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

[both] ♪ Where the kisses
are hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪
♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪
♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a loveable space
that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ You'll see that life is a ball
again Laughter is calling for you ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

Yeah, sure. Go ahead,
call yourself a food critic.

Ah! "There are no good chefs in
this city, only clumsy amateurs."

Morning, Jack. What
a stupid thing to say.

It's the first
thing I thought of.

Such trash!

Hi, Jack! Oh, I'm starved.

What's for breakfast? Garbage!

I think I'll pass.

Makes me so mad!

I don't care, I don't want any!

What? Jack, what's
wrong with you?

It's this Jason Defarge.

Who's he?

Who's he? Who's he?

You don't know either?

It just so happens
that Jason Defarge

is the most important
food critic in the city.

Oh, that Jason Defarge.

You girls want breakfast?

Yes. Yes.

Then listen.

"There are no good chefs in this city,
only clumsy amateurs. In years to come

"I feel the honest seeker of fine cuisine
will either have to travel, or starve."

Can you believe that guy?

Oh, Jack. Don't
take it so seriously.

It's just one man's
opinion. You should

just laugh it off.
He's an idiot.

Just laugh it off! Janet.

Come on. Don't tickle!

All right, all right.

The guy's an idiot. [laughs]

I'll kill him. I'll
tear him apart.

Listen to this.

"I have lost all hope
of finding a new chef

with the talent to make
a chicken croquette,

"let alone a Poulard
Poche Princesse."

Hey, Jack, don't
you make that dish?

Uh! Other chefs make it.
I create a work of art that

gives new meaning
to the word succulence.

What's wrong with
the old meaning?

I'd like to make that
Defarge eat his words.

Better yet, why don't you make him
eat your Pou-poul-poachy... your chicken.

What a good
idea, Janet. I'll just

mail him a chicken
dinner. Do you have

a large envelope?

Come on, smartypants. I
mean, have him over here.

Here? Yeah. Where else?

You're not working
anywhere right now.

And if he likes
the way you cook...

If? He'll love it.

Well, then, why don't you
invite him over? I mean,

what have you got to lose?

You're right! I'll do it!

Then he's gonna have to write
about what a good chef you are.

Good? You mean great chef.

Great, but sloppy.

Hang on.

[knock at door]

[high-pitched] Excuse me, Mr...

[clears throat] Mr. Defarge?

Oh, my God, not another one.


Ever since my article appeared
in the paper I've been besieged

by young nobodies offering
to cook for me. Please don't tell

me you're one of those.

Well, actually
I... [phone rings]

Hello? Yes, I do remember
eating in your restaurant.

To use the term loosely.

No, your name will not appear
in my column. Why? Because

I am showing you some mercy.

Which is more than
you show your diners.

What was wrong? Well,
let's start with the paté. Which

should be made with truffles.

And of course a touch of
marjoram... [clears throat]

Truffles and
suggestion of rosemary.


Trust me. Marjoram mutes
the tang of the endive salad,

which of course follows.

Endive salad, you
say? With uh... walnuts?

Yes, and just a delicate
touch of cognac dressing.


Which makes the perfect prelude
to Poulard Poche Princesse.

Poulard Poche Princesse? Oui.

No one in town does it properly.

No one does it...
the way I do it. Oh?

With tender, juicy
chicken breasts.


Steamed... with asparagus tips.

Ohh... Dripping... with cream.

Mmm... And the wine?

Pouilly Fuissé. What year?

'66. Oh, yes. Yes, yes.

And for dessert?

Soufflé Gran Marnier.
Ohh, don't stop!

And then Camembert,
green grapes, soft brie...

You are killing me!

And finally, a heated
snifter of Napoleon brandy.

[girlish cry]

Oh, god, that was good.

I'd go anywhere
for a meal like that.

How about my house
tonight? I'll be there.

You will? Wonderful!

But please! No one else. I want
nothing to distract me from the food.

Don't worry. It will
just be the three of us.

You, me, and the
chicken! [cackling]

Can I call you Jason?
Maybe not. I'm sorry.

Do you have a pen?

Fork, fork, knife, spoon.

Fork, fork... Hi, Jack.

You made me lose my place.

Oh, great, dinner!
We're starved!

Keep away from this table!

Hey. You don't have
to get huffy about it.

No, it's for Jason
Defarge, the food critic.

He's coming here? That's right.

Oh, Jack, good for you.
Wonderful! You did it!

I owe it all to you
two. I'm so grateful.

Anything else we can do to help?

Yes, leave.

What happened to grateful?
It's not me, It's Jason Defarge.

He doesn't want any
distractions. He insists on being

alone with me, and the food,
you understand, don't you?

Oh, sure. Just give us a
second and we'll be out of here.

Good luck! Thanks.

Okay. I gotta baste the
chicken, start the souffle,

[doorbell] answer the door...

That can't be him! He's early!

Hi Jack! I made it!

Chloe! What are you doing here?

Jack! You didn't
forget our date!

No, I didn't
forget! I just didn't

remember it was for tonight.

Didn't remember? Do you
know what I went through

just to get here on time?
I had to change flights

with another stewardess,
then I spent the whole time

waiting on a bunch
of cranky passengers.

But I made it! And you forgot?

Listen. Try to understand. I've
got a very important date tonight.

I thought that was me.

No, it just came up. See,
I have to serve dinner to

a famous food critic.

I just served dinner
to 200 food critics.

This is a chance of a
lifetime. My golden opportunity.

I just came all the
way from Iceland.

I'll defrost you later.

Believe me Chloe. This
is the only thing on earth

that would ever keep
me away from you.

Is it really that
important? It is! It is!

Look, look. Go on down to
the Regal Beagle and wait

for me and I will be there
just as quick as I can.

Jack, I was just thinking... Hi.

Who's this? Janet, Chloe.

I'm Jack's roommate.

His roommate! No,
well, see, uh... Oh! Hi!

Who are you?

She's his other roommate.

Chloe, let me explain.

Well, I don't wanna
hear it. The two of...

Understand me? I
don't wanna hear it!

I just flew halfway around the
world to be with you, and you

treat me like garbage. That's me,
Chloe, the human garbage dump.

Well, this time, Jack Tripper,
the garbage dump is closed!

No, now, will
you listen to me...

Chloe. Just for a sec. I just...

What was that all about?

My career just
went into the toilet.

Jack, you better do something.

[sighs] Right.

Chloe, now, let's
discuss this calmly.

After all, we're both
reasonable adults.

Eat worms and die!

Would you please
get her out before

Defarge gets here?
I gotta finish cooking!

Jack! I don't...
Jack! What... Hi!

Anyone up for Perquacky?


It's a fun game.

Mr. Furley, we haven't
got time for games!

We have an emergency!

A friend of Jack's is
locked in the bathroom.

A friend of Jack's? What's
he doing, taking a bubble bath?

It's a girl. [sobbing]

Oh, a girlfriend of Jack's.

Yeah. No wonder she's crying.

Mr. Furley, we've got
to get her out of there.

All right. I'll
handle this for ya.

Oh, Good.

Young lady! I'm the landlord
of this building. Now you

open up that door,
or you're in big trouble!

Go suck an egg!

Okay, you wanna
play hard ball, eh?

Mr. Furley, what are you doing?

I'm gonna open the door.

See? You just take a
credit card. And you slip it

through the lock... like this...

She took it! She
took my credit card!

Hey, you give me my card back!

You stop behaving
like a baby, you

spoiled little brat!

Well... I got her
to open the door.

You take it from here!

It's almost 8:00. Poor Jack.

Poor Jack? What about poor me!

What do you mean? I
have to go to the bathroom!

Sorry. Thank god!

Hi Chloe. Sorry!

You feeling better? Yeah.

Listen, I think if you
give Jack a chance...

[screaming] Jack!

No, no, Chloe, don't go in...

Any luck? Is she
out of the bathroom?

Yes... [doorbell]

Good. Thank god.
Because that's Defarge.

She's in the bedroom!

What are you gonna do? Shh...

Oh, Mr. Defarge. How nice
of you to come. But you see,

dinner isn't quite ready yet, and I want
everything to be perfect. Excuse me.

Now, Chloe... Don't talk to me.

Mr. Defarge has arrived. I have
to serve him dinner, it's business.

What about those girls?
Are they business too?

Will you forget about them?
I've asked them to leave.

You have? Yes!

Now, I don't want
you to go down to the

Regal Beagle. I want
you to stay right here.

And I'll have Defarge out of
here by 10:00. [whisper] Okay.

And then it'll just
be the two of us.

I'm sorry. Jet lag.

Hey, that's all right.
Why don't you just lie

down and take a nap? Okay? Good.


Hold that thought.

Everything's fine. But she's...

Just forget about her. You
guys have to leave. Now.

Okay, Jack.

Mr. Defarge, I'm so sorry.
Well, I must say, Tripper.

Excuse me.

Who have we here?

Uh, nobody. And they're leaving.

Oh, what a pity. Food always
tastes better in the company

of lovely women. Lovely
women? They're right here.

Sit right here, and
Janet? Over there is fine.

Are you sure you
made enough food?

Oh. You know, a great chef
always makes more than enough.

Don't eat.

One chair, coming up!

Mr. Defarge, if you would do me

the honor... The
honor... is mine.

Excuse me.

Jason... Defarge.

Terri... Alden.


Uh, Janet Wood.

Would what?


Likewise, I'm sure.

Well, I can't tell you
how happy I am to have

you two lovely ladies join us.

Now, let's see,
Mr. Defarge... care for

some wine? A touch.

You know, the great chef
Escoffier once remarked,

"A meal without wine...
is a hell of a lot cheaper."


Ah. Good color.

Exquisite bouquet.


A wine to be sipped
and savored as it

gently caresses the tastebuds.

Fill 'er up.

The lip is quicker than the eye.

Now, let's drink as
they do on the continent

with our arms entwined.

Why not.

But first..a toast
to the ladies.

To the flaxen-haired.

And to the raven-haired.

Whose beauty is so intoxicating,
there is no need for wine.


[Chloe] Jack? Is it 10:00 yet?

Who is that?

That's, uh, just my grandmother.

You see, uh, she takes
her medicine at 10.

Not yet, Granny!
Go back to sleep!

She loves your column.
She reads it to her cats.



I'll get that, Jack.

You just keep right on pouring.

What! I want my
credit card back!

Look, Chloe is in
Jack's bedroom and

doesn't want to be disturbed.

Oh, yeah? Well, we'll
just see about that!

Who is that?


Hi, honey.

It seems like I've been
waiting for you forever.


Give me a little kiss. Huh?

Come on. Don't tease me.

All right, if you insist.


Mr. Furley, did
she give it to you?


I think it's about time we ate.


Oh, I am having a good time.

Too good! Terri, you shouldn't
have pushed him away like that.

He had his hand on my knee! Well,
now he's got his hand on my knee.

I'm back! I didn't
know you were gone.

I hope you like the
2 hors d'oeuvres.

Only 2.

See, they're broiled
mushrooms stuffed with

baby shrimp and
delicately laced with sherry.

Just help yourself.

What do you think
he's been doing?

Ahh... my darling.

Uh, Mr. Defarge?

Hmm? Oh.

My sweet. Uh, I can do this.

What's that on the ceiling?

I don't see anything.



I agree.

You haven't even tried it.

Come on... just a nibble.

Go ahead. Very well.

Terri, I'd like to see you
in the kitchen. Gladly.

I need them. So do I.

Enjoy yourself.

That's it. The dinner is off.

Oh, no Jack,
wait... No, I'm sorry.

This man is a
drunken sex maniac.

He's not gonna bother you two
anymore because I'm getting rid of him.

No, Jack. This night
is too important to you.

We can handle him.
Yeah, we're used

to handling guys
who come on like that.

Look who we're living with!

Oh, y... You two are
so sweet. So are you.

[Defarge] More wine!

Wine... he wants more wine!

We don't have any more!

What! What do you
mean we don't have

any more wine? How 'bout this?

That's cooking sherry! You can't

serve that to a gourmet!

I won't tell him! Yeah but...

He'll never notice. Yeah, but...

[Mr. Defarge] Cooking sherry?

An excellent choice.

Bold, yet primitive!

[girls shouting]

Is everything okay?

Yes, yes. He was
telling us about

his favorite recipe.

Yeah. You know,
a pinch of this and

a pinch of that.

Oh, I like these chicks.

Yes, well, if you
like the chicks,

You will just love
the chicken. Voila.

Would you like a
breast or a thigh?

Oh, yes!

This a way. Bon appetit.

Wait, there's something missing.

No, I think that's
all... No, music! Music!

Of course, yes.

[soft tango] There we go. Music.

Now we can eat.

No, no! Now we can dance!


Uh, Mr. Defarge... Mr. Defarge!

Your dinner's getting cold.

Oh, but I'm getting warm!

Uh, excuse me, may I cut in?

Oh, certainly. There's
plenty for everybody!

Ah, now the flaxen-
haired beauty.

Business! This is business?

Yes, it is. Chloe. Listen to me.

Don't call me Chloe.

And don't call me ever.

You mealy-mouthed, two-timing...

Tripper. Don't tell
me you have been

mistreating this enchantress.

Excuse me?

Oh ho, why, this is a
woman of great passion.

A woman who should be
treated with tenderness,

awe, and respect!
Jason Defarge, the city's

leading food critic.

Chloe Brown, I'm a "stew".

My favorite dish.

Now he tells me.

Would you care to join
me for a night on the town?

Oh, I'd love it.

Wait a sec. Wait!
What about dinner?

Oh, no thanks. I couldn't
eat another bite. Young man,

you must learn never
to stuff your guests.

How do you like that?
The guy is so drunk

he thinks he ate dinner.

Let's hope he
thinks he liked it.

And gives you a good review.

I don't care about any review.

Come on, you don't mean that.

A review means nothing
to me. You know what

really upsets me is I
let a man walk into this

apartment and treat
you two girls like dirt, and

to top it off, he
walks out with my girl.

Well, why didn't you stop him?

Well, it happened so
fast I didn't have a chance.


Now's your chance!

Right. Defarge, I wanna
say something to you...

Tripper, I just came back
to tell you I'm going to

give your dinner an excellent
review. Tomorrow everyone will

know what a
wonderful chef you are!

Go on, slugger. Tell him! Right.

Thank you and have
a wonderful evening.

I got it, Janet! I got it!
Jason Defarge's review!

Terri? Yes!

What's it say? I don't
know. I'm afraid to look.

You read it to me, Terri.

Oh, you're so silly, Jack.

[gasps] Oh, no!

What, what!

Today is the last day
of the sale at Kroger's.

Would you give me that!

I have to do everything myself!

You read it to me, Janet.

Listen to this headline.

"Great chef discovered."

I'll take it from here.

Great chef discovered.

"To all those interested
in culinary delights,

"I command you to remember
this name: Jack Kipper."

Kipper? Kipper!

Oh, that's terrible.

Ah, you poor fish... Guy!

What'll I do now?

Change your name.

Hi! Look what I
found in my mailbox.

What? Oh, Chloe gave you back

your credit card.
That's terrific.

Oh, really? She also
left a note. Listen to this.

"Jason Defarge forgot his
wallet. But thanks to you and your

"credit card, we had a
wonderful night on the town!"

[Janet] Thre's Company is
videotaped in front of a studio audience.

Closed-Captioned by JR
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA