Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 6, Episode 20 - Doctor in the House - full transcript

Jack's grandfather visits and is under the impression that Jack is a doctor. He wants to visit the hospital where Jack works. Terri tries to help Jack pull off the lie.

[man] ♪ Come and
knock on our door ♪

[woman] ♪ Come and
knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

[both] ♪ Where the kisses
are hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪
♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪
♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a loveable space
that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ You'll see that life is a ball
again Laughter is calling for you ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

Boy, Cin, you sure
bought a lot of new albums.

I know, but I just
couldn't help myself.

Wait till you hear this
group, Janet. Okay.

♪♪ [pop]

Ooh, Cindy, they're pretty good.


Well, what are you laughin' at?

Oh, Janet, that dance is dead.

It went out with
ankle bracelets.

I just bought an ankle bracelet.

Well, maybe it'll come back.

Oh, maybe.

Okay, kid, what dances
are they doing today?

The Pogo.

Oh, you're kidding?
No, try it. It's easy.

It's dumb. Oh, come
on. Do it to the beat.

Oh, Cindy... Pogo, get it?

Yeah, when I was 6 maybe.

Oh, Cindy...

You call this fun?

I sure do.

Don't be shy, Jack. Jump
in! You doin' the Pogo?

How did you know it was
the pogo? [doorbell ringing]

I'm very young.

Oh, thank you very much.

Hi, Mr. Furley.

Stop that! Stand still!

Stop that music! Yes, sir.

[music stops]

Mr. Furley, is it
snowing outside?

No. Then what do
ya got all over ya?

My ceiling!

What are you doing up here?

We were just dancing. Dancing?

Yeah. The Pogo.

Hm. You call that dancing?

Back in my day, we used to dance
without tearin' the house down.

Would you like me
to show you how?

Oh, yeah, I've always
wanted to learn the minuet.

Put on a record, something
nice and slow and romantic.

We don't have any.

Then sing "The Blue Danube".



♪ Da-da-da-da-da ♪

♪ Plink-plink plink-plink ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da-da ♪

♪ Plink-plink ♪
I'm not gonna do this.

Mr. Furley, aren't we
supposed to be dancing?

I think you better
lead. I can't see a thing.

But Mr. Furley, I don't
know how to do this dance.

Well, it's very
simple. You just go:

One, two, three.


One, two, three.

And dip.


And dip. [imitating] Ow!

How's that?

Cindy, hang on. I
think it's his back.

Are you okay? Is there
anything we can do?

Don't touch me. My
back is killing me.

Maybe if I give you a massage...
A massage? No, no, no! It's fine.

Mr. Furley, why don't you go see
that doctor that Terri recommended?

What for? So he could
tell me I have a bad back?

I already know that.

Maybe he could help you.

I don't trust doctors. They stick in
their needle and take out your money.

But Mr. Furley...
They're all crooks!

Why do you think
they wear masks?

I think if you went to
see him... I'll be all right.

I'll just go downstairs
and lie down. [sighs]

I'll help you. I was just going to
leave anyway. Okay, bye, Cin.

Thank you, Cindy.
You're an angel of mercy.


Yeah? [shouts]

Be careful with
Mr. Furley, okay?

I'll try.

[telephone rings] I'll get that.

Thanks, Jack.


Hello, Grandma!

It's my grandmother
calling from St. Louis.


How's Grandpa?

He what?

Flying here? Today?

Why didn't he ca...

Oh, he wanted it
to be a surprise.

[whispering] Oh, no!

What a wonderful
surprise, Grandma.

Listen, I really appreciate
you calling to tell me,

but I gotta run.

I'll call ya later.

Okay. I love you too, Grandma.

All right. Bye-bye.

Jack, I thought your
grandfather was real sick.

He was, but he
got better real fast.

In fact, he's so healthy that
he's flying here from the Midwest

just to see his favorite doctor.

So? What are you so upset about?

I'm the doctor.


You see... Oh, I
can't believe this.

Grandpa always hoped that I'd
grow up to be a professional man.

Like a lawyer or
a doctor. Mm-hm.

Well, last year, when
it looked like the end,

he sounded so feeble
and helpless that I...

I kinda told him that...

[gasps] You didn't.

I wanted his last few
days to be happy ones.

Oh, gosh.

Well, that was very
sweet of you. Thank you.

But incredibly dumb.

Well, what am I going to say
to him now? Think fast, Janet.

[doorbell rings] That's
him! What do I do?

Listen, you know exactly
what you have to do.

Right. I know what I
have to do. Good for you.

I'll pretend to be
a doctor. What?

Jack! Tell him the truth!

Janet, I cannot break the
man's heart. [Janet sighs]



Come in, come in. Sit down.

Why? Do I look sick?

No, no. You look great.

Oh, you are a genius!

One look and you gave
me a complete diagnosis,

and it didn't cost me a cent.

That's about what it's worth.

And who might you
be, young lady? Oh...

I'm Jack's roommate, Janet.

Oh? Grandpa,
Janet and I are just...

Oh, don't. No, no.
No need to explain.

Your parents did the same
thing when they were your age.

Mom and dad lived together?

They did?

I thought that's what
you were gonna say. No!

You're trying to give
me a heart attack?

No! Grandpa, please,
relax. Sit down on the couch.

[whining] Have a
seat on the couch.

There you go.

See, Grandpa Tripper, Jack
and I are not living together.

No, no, no. We just share this
apartment so we can share the rent money.

It's really quite platonic.

I see.

Too bad.

You know, I like her. Janet.

She's not a bit like that, um...


What's-her-name? Who?

That woman who married
your father. Mommy?

That's the one.

Now, tell me, what
is your specialty?

Oh... uh...

Sick people.

[laughing] That's
very funny, doctor.

Doctor? [shouts] Hi.

Grandpa, this is Terri
Alden, my other roommate.

Talk about bringing
your work home with you.

Terry, come and say hello.

Jack's grandfather. Hello,
very nice to meet you.

I bet you're proud of Jack.

Well, why wouldn't I be?

How many grandfathers can
say that they have a grandson

who's a successful doctor, eh?

Jack? Jack, a doctor?


And a very good one too.

Well, that is nice to hear.

It's important to have the respect
of people that work under you.

Oh, you should see
him at the hospital.

He's so confident and
so dynamic. Really?

What hospital is that?

Uh... Wilshire Memorial.

He is one of the finest young
doctors we have on our staff.

Thank you, Nurse Alden.

All the other doctors are
always asking him for advice.

Say, I would love
to see your office.

You can't. Why not?

We're closed.

Hospital's closed?

What Jack means is that it's
close to impossible to get there.

Oh, don't worry about a thing.

I will find it. Wilshire
Memorial. Good.

Tomorrow at 12:30. Tomorrow?

Yes. Now, I'm going
back to my hotel.

Here's my phone number.

It has been delightful
to meet you ladies.

[overlapping chatter]

Grandpa, wouldn't you
rather go sightseeing instead?

We could go to Disneyland!
I came to see you,

not Mickey Mouse.

I will be in your office
tomorrow. Bye-bye.

Goodbye. See you soon. Bye-bye.

Well, I'm glad I'm a doctor,
'cause I'm gonna be sick.

Well, what are you gonna
do now, Jack? I don't know.

Will someone please
tell me what's going on?

Terri, you saw.

That sweet man actually
thinks that Jack is a doctor.

And now he wants to visit
the office you told him I had.

I'm sorry, Jack. I was
just trying to be helpful.

You wanna help? Yeah.

Then get me into the hospital.
All I need is five minutes.

No. It's completely out of
the question. I could get fired!

Okay, forget it! I don't
mean to put you out.

I'll just have to call Grandpa
and tell him the cold, hard truth.

Well, that's what you should
have done in the first place.

I just hope it's not
too terribly painful.

Hello? Yes, I'd like
to leave a message

for Mr. Tripper in room 234.

Mm-hm. Would you ask him to sit
down before you read him the message?

Yes, just tell him that his
loving grandson, Jackie,

who loves him very,
very, very, very much

and wouldn't hurt
him for the world...

Oh, all right! I'll do it!

You will? I don't know how
to thank you. Give me that!

Hello, would you please
cancel that message?


Goodbye, Larry.


How do you like that? I must
have dialed the wrong number.

What are we gonna
do with you? Jack!

Your grandfather better not
be there more than five minutes.

I'll tell him I have
to see a patient.

Now, that's a good idea. Thank
you, Janet, and I won't keep you long.


No! No!

I'll wear gloves.


It's all clear, come on.

Remember, Dr. Stevens is only
going to be gone for a couple of hours.

Don't worry. I won't
be here that long.

Okay, tell me. How do I look?

Like a busboy.

This ought to help. I
hope Janet gets here soon.

She called and said
she was on her way.

I'm gonna go look for your
grandfather. Oh, thank you.

Thank you so much.

Just sit behind the
desk and don't move.

We got it under
control. No problem.

Oh, boy.

Hold all calls. [chuckles]


Uno, dos, tres, catorce.

[telephone ringing] [shouting]

Don't you ever do that again!

[knocking at door]

Oh, come in.

Come in. Dr. Stevens?

No. Uh, yes. No!

You missed Dr. Stevens. He
won't be back till this afternoon.

Oh, well, then maybe I
could ask you something?


I seem to have this pain... No!


I think I pulled a
muscle playing tennis.

No, stop. I only
want to show you.

Yeah, well, I-I've seen enough.

You can tell what's
wrong already?

Yes. It's a little
swollen, that's all.

Should I take aspirin?

Yes, take a pair... a couple!

We can't be too
careful with these things.

Call Dr. Stevens this
afternoon. He'll help you.

Oh, thank you, doctor. I feel
better already. Anytime. Anytime.

Get in here! What
were you doing with her?

Forget about her. Where's
Grandpa? He's on his way up.

Behind the curtains.

Jack! Like we talked about...

[knocking at door]

[Jack] Come in.

Here we are. Ahh...

Say, "Ahh."

[Janet] Ahh.

Uh, doctor, your
grandfather's here.

Uh, hello, Grandpa.
I'm with a patient.

Just a second, okay?

Now, uh, what seems to
be the trouble, Mrs. uh...

[Janet] Foster. Thank you.

Uh, doctor, lately I've
been very, very nervous.

Um... edgy, irritable, tense.

Just a jangle of
nerves. Mm-hm...

[Jack] Have you ever
tried decaffeinated coffee?

I said, have you... [groan]

Ah... Grandpa, you better leave.

The patient is becoming violent.

I'm going to have
to use tweezers.

I understand, doctor. Seeing you in
action is the biggest thrill of my life.


I'd love to stay here and
chat with you, but, um...

[Janet] Doctor! My
patient needs me.

Go back to your
patient. I'll call you later.

Thank you. [Terri] Bye-bye.

We did it, thanks
to you, Terri. Hey!

And you too, Janet. Thank you.

Let's get out of here
before I lose my job.

[knocking at door]

Hi. I'm Dr. Phillips. I believe
I'm supposed to see you.

Why? There's
nothing wrong with me.

Uh-oh. Ah, Dr. Phillips is the
new intern on our staff, doctor.

I was assigned to
observe you on rounds.

You can't. He's giving this
patient a complete checkup.

Good. Then I can start
observing right here. Observe?

Huh? You wanna observe now?

You know something? You're a lot
younger than I expected. [guffaws]

[deep voice] That's
nice of you to say, son.

Well, why don't we start right
now? [Janet shouting] Doctor!

Just get up on the table,
Mrs. Fordwick. Foster.


Let's see, uh... Um...

We're gonna have to lance these.

Hmm... Mm-hmm...

Ahh... so...


Yes. Oh, excuse me.
Excuse me. Mrs. Fordwick.

[clears throat]

Breathe deeply.


She sure gets a lot of
air in there, doesn't she?



You're very healthy.

Doctor, I'm a little confused.

Shouldn't the patient be
disrobed during the physical?


You mean have her take
all her clothes off? What?

Isn't that the way
it's usually done?

Oh, yeah, you're right.

Rules are rules.

Would you please
take off your clothes?


Write that down, nurse.
"Patient hard of hearing."

Doctor... Work with
me, Nurse Alden!

Not you, Doctor.
Dr. Phillips. Yes, Nurse?

Do you notice anything
unusual about the patient? No.

You don't notice the flushed
cheeks, the rapid breathing,

the darting eyes,
the clenched fists?

Now that you mention
it... Do you know

what that indicates?

No. What?

You're asking me?
You're the doctor.

I didn't notice any symptoms... I
suggest you go back to your room, doctor

and look through
your medical books

and not just the pictures!

But I... Unless you want
to flunk out of this hospital!

Oh, no. No, ma'am. No, nurse.

No! Yes. No.

I'm sorry, and I hope you get better
real soon. And I hope you do too!

[Jack] Terri!

Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
We sure showed him.

What do you mean? You almost
became a patient here yourself, Tripper!

Janet! We have to get out of here
before something else happens!

Ahh! [door slamming]

Grandpa Tripper. I didn't
see you there. So sorry.

What are you doing back
here? I forgot my walking stick.

Oh, there it is.
[knocking at door]

Now what?

Mr. Furley, what
are you doing here?

I decided to take your advice
and see Dr. Stevens about my back.

Dr. Stevens isn't
here! Oh, darn!

Just when I finally worked up
the nerve to do something about it.

No problem. There's a
great doctor here right now.

Oh? Who? My grandson.

He's right behind that curtain.

Oh, well, thank you.

Uh, doctor?

[Jack, fake voice] "Ye-es?"

Would you mind taking a look
at my back? It's really killing me.

Now... where is your back?

Oh, here it is! Right
behind you. [guffaws]

Does that hurt? [grunts]

That hurts. Hmm, hmm,
hmm. How about over here?

Does this hurt? No.

See? You're feeling
better already.

How about here?

How about here?
Excuse me. I'm sorry.

How about here? Jack!

What are you doing?

Jack, don't touch me!

I just wanna... I know what you
want! And you stay away from me!

What's the matter with him? I'll
tell you what's the matter with him!

Not him. You!

Me? I'm perfectly normal!

Then why did you
come to see the doctor?

Doctor? Him?

He's no doctor.
He's a fruitcake.

What's he talking about, Jack?

Um... Oh, Jack.

Uh, Jack, tell me the truth.

Okay, Grandpa.
This is the truth.

I've never seen this
man before in my... Jack!

The truth is, I'm not a doctor.

You're not?

I'm a chef. A chef?

Only when I'm working. Oh.

I see. I see.

Would you leave us
alone a moment, please?

Yeah, you girls better leave.
We gotta get to the bottom of this.

Come on, Mr. Furley.

Be careful of my
back! Oh, I'm sorry.

Gee, Grandpa, I bet you're
real disappointed in me.

Well, not as disappointed
as I was in your father.

You wanted Dad
to be a doctor too?

No. A shortstop for
the St. Louis Browns.

See, the only
reason I did this...

I know. You did it because
you were thinking of me,

and I'm touched
by that, but Jack...

never, never, in the future,
pretend to be something you are not.

It's not worth it.

Yeah, I just found that out.

Well, if you've learned that lesson,
maybe all of this happened for the best.

Dr. Stevens... Hang
on. I gotta tell ya.

I'm not Dr. Stevens.

You're not?

That's right. I'm Dr. Stevens.

So you see, I had to
tell him I was a doctor.

I understand, Jack.

You were trying to
spare his feelings.

I had to do the same thing once.

You did? Yeah.

It was years ago, when I
first started playing the field.

This one little chick,

she just couldn't
keep her hands off me.

'Course, you wouldn't
understand that, Jack.

Neither would I. What?

Being able to keep
my hands off you.

Oh... [chuckles]

Anyway, I wanted
to let her down easy.

It was time to call it quits and
I didn't wanna break her heart,

so instead of phoning her, I
just showed up at her apartment.

And there she was
with another man.

Oh, no. Yeah.

Can you imagine her going to all
that trouble just to make me jealous?

Mr. Furley, what happened?

Well, I tried to
let her down easy.

I told her, "It was great fun but
it was just one of those things."

Well, how'd she take it?

Terrible. She went right to bed.

Poor guy she was with had to spend
the rest of the night comforting her.

[Theme Music]

[Janet] Three's Company is
videotaped in front of a studio audience.

Closed-Captioned By JR
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA