Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 6, Episode 16 - Hearts and Flowers - full transcript

Janet has had problems lately. Her company has sent efficiency expert Bobbi Willard to her floral shop to monitor and critique her performance. It has been driving Janet crazy as she sees ...

[man] ♪ Come and
knock on our door ♪

[woman] ♪ Come and
knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ We've been waiti" for you ♪

[both] ♪ Where the kisses
are hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪
♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪
♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a loveable space
that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ You'll see that life is a ball
again Laughter is calling for you ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

Morning, Terri. Morning, Jack.
Would you like some breakfast?

Oh, yeah. Here.

Pizza? Yeah.

Uh, forget it. I think I'll
get some cereal. Hmm.

Pizza? With anchovies.

For breakfast?

It's not breakfast. It's a
late-night snack. I just got off work.

Oh, right. Yeah, I forgot you
were working the graveyard shift.

We try not to call it
that at the hospital.

I'm sorry.

So, how was work?

Oh, the usual... car accidents,
gunshots, a knife wound.

Oh, I hate those. They
are so... Excuse me.

Could we save the
gore till after breakfast?

Oops. Sorry.

What? There was this one
funny thing that happened.

At the hospital? I
don't want to hear it.

No, it's not gory, I promise.

You see, they brought in this cute
little boy, and his name was Chuck.

He'd swallowed a penny,
so I was trying to make sure

that it wasn't stuck
in his throat, Uh-huh.

When along came Dr. Andrews.

We call him Dr. Know-it-all.

Mmm! Oh.

This pizza is so good.

What about Chuck? Oh!

Yeah. So Dr. Andrews says,

“Let me show you how to
handle kids, Nurse Alden.

“Son, open up the tunnel

and show me
where the train went.”

And so Chuck opens up his mouth,

and he threw up all
over Dr. Andrews!

Isn't that funny?

Hilarious. Excuse me. Oh!

Wait a minute.

Aren't you gonna finish
your breakfast? No.

Why not? I lost my appetite
when you brought up Chuck.

What now? You said “upchuck”!

[alarm clock ringing]


Janet? [gasps] No! No, please!

I've had enough! I
can't take anymore!

Janet, it's me, Terri. What?

Oh, hi, Terri. Oh, I... I
thought you were Bobbi.

Oh, I've had dreams
about guys like that.

Bobbi is a woman. Oh?

Yeah. Bobbi Willard.

She's this efficiency expert that our
company sends around to all its shops.

She's a real cold fish.

I think if she cut herself,
she'd bleed ice cubes.

What was she
doing in your dream?

The same thing she does down at the
shop all day... picks on everything I do.

“That's not right.” “That's
wrong.” “This could be better.”

I can't stand people like
that. Oh, yeah. Me too.

Hey, listen. Hmm?

You said she's
really cold, right? Ah!

Well, maybe if you're
warm to her, she'll melt.

Warm? You want me to
be warm to this woman?

[scoffs] I want you to
smile, a real big one,

and just agree with
everything she says.

Go on.

Okay, I'll try.

“Yes, Miss Willard.
Of course, Miss Willard.

Yes, yes, yes.” How's that?

You look like Jimmy Carter.

You're not any help!

Mm-hmm. You might try a ficus. It
really sounds perfect for your corner.

Or perhaps one of
the hanging plants.

Excuse me. Miss Wood,
may I speak to you?

Oh, sure. Excuse
me, Mrs. Jenkins.

Yeah? Do you realize you've
been with that customer 10 minutes?

Well, I had to show her... Studies
have shown that a good salesperson

can make her sale in 8 minutes.

What? That's the stupidest...

I mean, that's so interesting.

It's very interesting. I'll
certainly remember that.

Please do. Okay.

So what do you want? You want
the hanging plant or the ficus?

I just don't know. How
do you take care of the...

Oh, here. Take a cactus so
you don't have to give it any care.

Well, I... Really, a little
water now and then, that's it.

That's gonna be $10 right on
the nose. Thank you, Mrs. Jenkins.

I appreciate your coming
in. Come again, okay? Bye!

Fast enough? Too
fast. I didn't say rush.

Well, I didn't rush.
I just... hurried.

What's the difference?
That's what I think...

What's the difference?

Get it? We... What?

I'll try to do
better. I hope so.

Hey, Janet. Hey, Jack.

Ready to go? Go where?

Our lunch date, remember?
Oh, yeah! Of course I do!

Oh, I'm more than ready to go.

Bobbi, I'm gonna go to
lunch now. Oh, I was hoping

you'd help that gentleman.

Oop! Look at that. It's
already into my lunch hour.

It won't take long.

Sure. I'll be right back, Jack.
This'll just take a second.

But don't rush!

Right. No rushing. None.

Hi. What can I
do for you? Hello.

I would like a centerpiece.

Hi. I'm Jack Tripper.

How nice.

Janet didn't tell me that
she hired somebody new.

Oh, she didn't. You see, I was
sent here to get things in shape.

Well, it didn't take you long.
Everything's in great shape already.

Oh, thank you.

“Everything's in
great shape already”?

Actually, I'm what's
called an efficiency expert.

And what does an efficiency
expert do besides looking beautiful?

Well, for one thing, I try to
cut down on wasted time.

Well, we have a lot in
common. I don't believe

in wasting time either.

“I don't believe in
wasting time either”?

Is Janet your girlfriend? No.
No, no, no. We just live together.

I mean, uh, we're roommates.

I mean, uh, see, we share an
apartment to cut down on living expenses.

Now, that's very efficient! See, I
told you we have a lot in common!

“See, I told you we have a
lot in common.” Ugh, sickening!

That's right. Even my
garbage looks better than that.

Janet, ready to go? Oh,
this is a lovely job here.

How about some
food? Ready to eat?

No thanks, Jack. I'm
not really hungry today.

Oh, come on. It's
no fun eating alone.

Well, why don't you
go and ask Bobbi?

Hey, that's a great idea!
Thanks, Janet. Wait, Jack, I...

Hey, Bobbi, would you like to
come have some lunch with me?

Lunch? Well, I
hate eating alone.

So do I. Oh, Janet, dear,
I'm going to lunch now.

You will straighten
up while I'm gone.

Yeah, Janet, straighten
up and fly right, okay?

I'll kill him,
I'll kill him not.

I'll kill him,
I'll kill him not.

I'll kill him, I'll kill him,
I'll kill him, I'll kill him!

[doorbell ringing]

All right, already! I'm coming!

All right. What's the emergency?

I can't open that window.


Jack couldn't open it either.

That's what I said: “Women.”

Hey, this window's stuck!
That's what I just told you.

Well, now it's official.

Can you open the
window, please? Sure.

Lucky I brought my toolbox.

Ah! Careful! You'll break it!

You tell the doctor
how to operate?

Well, no, but... You're dealing
with a professional here.

All right.

There you are.

Never had any problems with
windows. Thank you, Mr. Furley.

Even though they
do give me a “pane.”

You get it? Window, pane?


Absolutely no sense of humor!


Uh, now, that, uh,
was an act of God,

so I'm not gonna
charge you for that.

I'll just, uh, pick
up the glass here.

I can't believe that guy!

Hi, Terri. Oh, hi, Janet.

Oh, listen, next time you want to give me
some advice, let me give you some advice.

Please don't give me any advice.

Didn't work, huh? No.

'Course, not your fault. It's
Jack's. Jack? What did he do?

That creep! He went and asked
Bobbi out to lunch right in front of me.

Can you believe
that? Why, Janet!

I thought you were
more tolerant than that!

What? What's he talking about?

Beats me.

Why shouldn't Jack ask
this fella Bobby out to lunch?

Jack has desires too.

Misguided though they may be.

Mr. Furley, I don't... What did
they do? They just went out to lunch.

It's not like they were
dancing around the maypole.

Hi, everybody. Oh, hi, Jack.

Listen, the girls
were just telling me

that you took this
“Bobby” out to lunch.

Yeah... Wait a minute,
Mr. Furley, it wasn't anything...

It's all right, Jack.
I'm a man of the world.

I understand.

What did you have
for lunch? Fruit salad?

And then I suppose some
ladyfingers for dessert?

Look, Mr. Furley,
I'm not... Relax, Jack.

You don't have to be
embarrassed with me.

My motto is “live and let live.”

But, Jack, don't flaunt it.

Would you mind telling
me what that was all about?

He thinks Bobbi is a guy.

Oh! Bobbi, a guy? Some guy, huh?

Uh, Jack, would you help
me with dinner, please?

Oh, sure. I bet Janet's
starving. She missed lunch.

[groaning] So I heard. Come on.

Why didn't you tell me about
Bobbi? She's really something.

That's what I've been
saying. Not only is she

a beautiful woman,
but she's a real brain.

You know she's got her
master's degree from Harvard?

Who cares? That's what
Bobbi says! She's so modest!

Dinner, Jack. You know, we spent
the whole time talking about you.

Were your ears
burning? I was a little hot.

I need you in the kitchen. Yeah,
right, right, right. Hang on a second.

Janet, you know, I
stuck up for you. What?

Well, she started
coming down on you,

so I told her that you
were doing your very best,

and that you'd appreciate
any help she could give you.

You told her that?

Hey, what are friends for?
You don't have to thank me.

Thank you? Thank you?
You want me to thank you?

Only if you feel like it.


What did I do wrong?

For one thing, you
opened up your mouth.

But... And you kept it open.

What are you talking about? Janet's
had the biggest headache of her life,

and you just took
it out to lunch!

Bobbi? Yes! She's making
Janet's life miserable!

Oh, I didn't know that.

I even made a date
with her for tonight.

Well, now you know.

Well, Janet's my friend,

and Bobbi's just a ship
that passes in the night.

That's absolutely right.

But she has a lovely stern.

Hello, Bobbi? This
is Jack Tripper.

Uh, I'm afraid I won't be
able to see you tonight.

Well, something's come up.

What's come up? You
have to see a sick friend.

Don't do that! She'll hear you!

“Have to see a sick fr... ”
I have to see a sick friend.

Poor guy, he's in...
He's in bad shape.

What's he got? Uh... Uh... Uh...

It's his neck. Uh, his throat.

His throat? His throat.

Uh, well, I don't know,
exactly. It's a... It's a...

It's a... [mouths words]

[mouths words] Uh...


Strip! Sounds like “strip”"

Strip, strip... Strep!

Strep throat!

Strep throat, poor guy, and
it's extremely contagious,

so you see, I can't see...

You understand?
Oh, great, Bobbi.

Thanks a lot. Yeah, bye, bye.

Oh, Jack, what
a nice thing to do.

Yeah, would you do
something nice for me? What?

Could you finish your
act there? Oh! Hey, Jack...

Hi, Terri. Hi, Janet.

Hi, Janet. You're
home early. Hi, Jack.

How was work? Fine, fine.

I actually figured out a way
to get along with Bobbi Willard.

You did? How? I quit.

[Terri] What? You mean, I
break a date with her for you,

and you go ahead and quit?

She thought I put you
up to it. That crumb-bum.

You didn't call her that, did
you? Of course not. Terri!

I called her a scuzz-face.

That was right before I told her
exactly what she could do with my job.

I don't think you
should have done that.

Jack, you can do the
same thing with your advice.

Janet, you can't just quit.

Jack, I will never go back into that
shop as long as that woman's in there!

Yeah, but, J... Jack,
you've got to do something.

You're right. Where
are you going?

I'm gonna go see Bobbi,
poor girl. “Poor girl”?

Well, she must be heartbroken
at the thought of losing me.

You know how women are. What?

That's why she's
taking it out on Janet.

Now, I'm gonna go down there
and straighten this whole mess out.

Don't worry. I'll have her eating
out of the palm of my hand.

Be sure and count your
fingers when she's through.

Trust me.

Won't work. Will not work.

It is never gonna... Well,
maybe... No, it is never gonna work.

Never. Never, never, never.

Who are you talking to? Nobody.

Um, Janet, are you sure that you
won't go back to the flower shop?

Absolutely! Terri!

I must say, though, I wouldn't
mind being there this afternoon.

Oh, yeah? Why? Oh, Mr. Franklin,
our president, he's coming down.

I'd just love to see how well
Miss R2-D2 does without me.

Hi! Oh, Mr. Furley!

I'm so glad you're
here! I need you!

Control yourself!

The neighbors'll hear you!

Mr. Furley, I need your
help to get Janet's job back.

Janet lost her job? I'll
explain it on the way.

Yeah, but I... Please!
It's an emergency!

Oh! What can I do to help? Drop
everything and come with me!

Right! [glass shatters]


Hello, beautiful.

How's your sick friend?
The one with the strep throat?

Oh, he's much worse. The
whole thing is spreading.

Now he's got strep
chin, strep nose, strep

shoulder, and it's
spreading down to his...

Can it. I know why you're here.
Janet sent you to get her job back.

No, no, she doesn't even know...
You can just tell her to forget it.

Bobbi, would you listen to
me? I'm sorry, I'm not interested.

Now, wait a second. Is
anything the matter, Miss Willard?

Oh, no, Mr. Franklin.
I was just, uh,

telling this salesman
that we don't need

any more of his fertilizer.

Now, if you will excuse me, I
need to see to these customers.

Good day. May I help you?
Well, I certainly hope so.

See, my name is Ralph
Furley, and this is my wife...

I'm his daughter.

What can I do for you?

Well, my daughter
here is getting married.


And, um, I'll be moving
into a new apartment.

Oh, well, then
you'd be interested

in some house plants
or floral arrangements?

No. No, what we really need

are some 3-quarter-inch nails.

Nails? Nails.

[chuckles] We don't sell nails.

We don't need many.
Just a couple handfuls.

Yeah, that should
do it... Daddy.

No, you don't understand.
I don't have any nails.

What's holding up all
that stuff on the walls?

Nails. I thought you said
you didn't have any nails.

But they're not for sale.

[whines] Why do you display
things that aren't for sale?

Now, now, take
it easy, Princess.

We'll get our nails
somewhere else.

Just give us our
hammer, and we'll go.

Hammer? Yeah, you know,
the one with the claw on the end.

We don't have hammers.

Then how'd you get all
those nails in the wall?

With a hammer.

Aha! We'll take that one!

I've had enough! Now just get
out of here! What's the trouble here?

They're crazy! They're asking for things we
don't sell. They're totally unreasonable.

Just what is it you want? Do
you have any chrysanthemums?


Why, yes, of course we do.

Why don't you take that
bunch right over there?

On the house. Oh, well,
thank you very much.

Mr. Franklin... It's your job to
eliminate waste, not customers.

But... Do you think you can
keep things under control

while I finish going
over the books?

Of course, sir. Everything
will be just fine, sir.

Bobbi... Oh, are you still here?

I can't leave. I need you!

Shh! What's the matter with
you? Please, please, darling!

Don't leave!

Are you crazy? Get up!

Oh, please! I'm
lost without you!

Will you leave me alone?

Leave you alone?
[sobs] Don't you love me?

But I never loved you! [sobbing]


You're breaking his heart!

I want us to be happy!

Will you be quiet?

This is America. He
has a right to speak.

Oh, young man.

Not only for me,
but think of Binky.

Who? She doesn't even
remember her own child!

Shame on you! Lady,
will you just butt out?


If that's the way you
treat your customers...

Wait, please. Miss
Willard, [moaning]

what's come over you?
Me? Why, it's them.

They come in here, they
demand things... Jack!

Hey, what are you
guys doing here?

Janet, thank God you're
here. Oh, no, Mr. Franklin.

I only came down to
pick up my last paycheck.

Your last paycheck?
But you can't quit.

I already did. But I
need you more than ever,

now that I'm sending Miss
Willard to our Death Valley branch.

I'll give you a raise and
an extra week's vacation.

You will?

It's a deal! It's a definite
deal! Thank you very much!

[excited squeal]

If you'll step in the back with
me, we'll discuss your travel plans.

We'll see you at home.
Okay, guys. Thanks.

Yeah, we'd better let you get
back to work. Oh, Jack, thank you.

Ooh! Pardon me, young man.

Yeah? Don't feel sad.

She wasn't good enough for you.

Well, that's very nice of you.

Now, I'd like you to
meet my daughter, Bertha.

You'd be perfect for each other.

“Bertha”? Well,
I'd love to meet her,

but you see, my fiancee here
doesn't like me to date much.

Your fiancee? That
was a quick recovery.

Well, you see...
Are you ready to go?

Well, well, well, well, well.

Don't look at my
daughter that way!

Your daught-daught-daught-

Let's go, Bertha. I thought I'd
found someone nice for you,

but he's just too fickle.

No, wait! We're not
officially engaged.

I don't even like her.

Now, that's the last time
I'm fixing that window.

And remember, a window
should be treated gently.

You close it gently

and you open it...

Well, you get the
idea. [Jack] Yeah.

Hi, guys. Hey, congratulations!

Come on, cut it out. Why?
You got your job back.

And a raise. Yeah,
thanks to you guys.

Hey, we didn't do
anything. That's right.

You did everything. And I can't
tell you how good it makes me feel

to know you guys would
go that far to help me.

Oh, come on.
What re friends for?

Yeah, Janet, we're family.
One for all, all for one.

Well, I really
appreciate what you did,

even if it was kind of crazy.

Yeah, that idea of
mine about the nails

was kind of clever,
though, wasn't it?

What do you mean, your
idea? That was my idea.

Your idea? That's a laugh. I'm
not laughing. That was my idea.

Hold it, hold it. What difference
does it make whose idea it was?

[Janet] Right. Because my idea
was the only one that worked.

[all arguing]

Quiet. Quiet!

[woman] Three's Company was
videotaped in front of a studio audience.

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA