Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 6, Episode 14 - Oh, Nun - full transcript

Terri gets a visit from her friend Catherine who is a nun. Jack takes Catherine to Disneyland. Later, Catherine tells Terri about a nun who left the convent to marry. Jack overhears and assumes Catherine is leaving the convent to marry him.

[man] ♪ Come and
knock on our door ♪

[woman] ♪ Come and
knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

[both] ♪ Where the kisses
are hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪
♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪
♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a loveable space
that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ You'll see that life is a ball
again Laughter is calling for you ♪



♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

Hey! Don't forget these!

What? Oh, my tickets!

Terri, thanks. I could
never have gotten

in the florist convention
without them.

Then you'd miss
out on all the fun.

Fun? Oh, please. I never
have any fun at these things.

Really it's nothing
but work, work, work.

Then why are you
taking your bikini?

Cause my luck's gotta
change sometime.

Say, did I tell you that
I'm gonna give a speech?



No! Well, I am! And I think
it's a pretty good one, too.

It's on holiday
flower decorations.

Oh, how nice! [doorbell rings]

I just hope I can keep all
those salesmen interested.

Wear your bikini.

Hi, Mr. Furley. What's up?

Hi. Janet's taxi's here.

Thanks, Mr. Furley. See ya!

Bye, Darling. Keep your suit on!

Where ya going?

I'm going up to Santa
Barbara for a florist convention.

Florists, huh? Well, don't
let 'em get any 'pollen' on ya.

They'll be buzzin'
all around you.

Get it, honey?

Thank you, Mr. Furley. You
make leaving so much easier.

Mr. Furley, what
can I do for you?

You don't happen to have
any guavas around, do ya?

No... I have some bananas.

No, I need a guava
for this new diet I'm on.

Supposed to turn me
into a real powerhouse.

I know what you're
thinking... I am one already.

But a body like this
doesn't just happen.

I gotta keep worki" at it.

I think you need to put
more men on the job.

Huh? That's just
a joke, Mr. Furley.

Hahahaha! Huh? Oh. Heh.

[quietly] Put more men on the...

Not to worry. It
will come to you.

[screams] Catherine!

Terri, it's so good to see you!

You look great! So do you!

Oh, I'm sorry. Mr. Furley,
this is my friend

Catherine James. Catherine,
our landlord Mr. Furley.

How do you do.
It's nice to meet you.

Catherine and I went
to high school together.

We haven't seen
each other in years!

Well, I'll leave you
two girls to talk.

I've gotta go downstairs

and 'put more men on the job.'

See? She doesn't get it either.

You look sensational. Thanks!

I never know how to introduce
you. I don't know whether to say

Sister Catherine,
or my friend the Nun.

It's all right. You did fine.

Really? Uh huh!

I mean, gosh. There I go again.
Would you just come on in?

Gosh it's good to
see you. I know!

So, tell me all the news!

Well, I told you my sister
Emily is getting married.

Yeah, next week.

And I thought I'd
come in ahead of time

and talk to Father Sullivan
about my Master's thesis.

He's my advisor. And
it gives me a chance to

see my family and my
friends. Have some fun.

Fun?

We are allowed to, you know.

Just because I'm a nun doesn't
mean I act differently than anyone else.

Of course you don't! I'm just
gonna put on a pot of coffee.

Oh, God Bless
you. I didn't mean it.

Well... wellwellwellwell.

I'm Jack Tripper. And
who might you be?

Catherine James.
I'm a friend of Terri's.

Well, any friend of
Terri's is a friend of mine.

Well, thank you. Now that we're
friends, why don't we get friendly.

Look, Jack... Oh I am.
And I like what I see.

Don't you let a girl get
a word in edgewise?

Uh uh. She might say no.

Listen, how 'bout you and
me go into a little hotspot?

They've got a great band,
and when you hear the beat...

[imitating drums]

I don't think so.

Ah. I hate noisy places too.

How 'bout a play or a movie?

Well, I... No? Okay,
you're a homebody.

Fine with me. I like
that. I wouldn't mind

stayin' home with
a body like you.

Oh, I see you two have met.

Yeah. Kate here
is really something.

Yeah... isn't it hard
to believe she's a nun?

Heheh...

[stammering] Nuh,
nuh-nuh... you're a... no?

A... nuh-nun? Nunun, Nun? No,
no I'm sorry. Not that you're a nun!

But I wouldn't have said all those
things had I known... but you're not

dressed like a nun!

Oh, we don't have to anymore.

Sort of kicked the habit, huh?

I'm sorry. I'm saying
all the wrong things.

Lordy, lordy, lo... no offense.

Jack, relax.

You don't have to be
on your guard with me.

Right, Jack. Just be yourself.
Act like you usually do.

Scratch that... Don't!

Look. Can we start all over?
Just forget about that obnoxious,

terrible person that was here.
The one with foot in mouth... okay?

Hello! I'm Jack Tripper. Catherine
James. Happy to meet you.

Me too! Okay! Now
that that's settled,

what can we do to entertain you?

Oh... well I've been away
for some time, so what I'd

really like to do is see
some of my favorite places.

Oh... I'm gonna be
busy at the hospital...

Well, I'm not busy! I would
love to show you around.

Oh, thanks, Jack! Are
you sure you don't mind?

Would I lie to you?

Wanna have some coffee? Okay.

[doorbell rings] I'll get that.

Hi, Jack! I got a fantastic
double date lined up tonight!

I borrowed this convertible.
A real "lovemobile"!

Larry, Larry. Keep it down.

I can't! I'm too excited.

It'll be "Greedy
Gretchen" for me.

And she's got this friend
that... well, lemme put it this way.

Do you have an
asbestos shirt? Look...

Jack? Oh. You guys
want some coffee?

Just for me. My
friend is leaving.

Larry. Larry!

Oh, I get it. You
got your own action.

Okay, you bring her. You
can have the back seat!

She's not that kind of girl.

Then dump her.
Gretchen's friend is.

You don't understand.
She's a nun. Who is?

The girl you just saw!

Huh! Jack, if you don't wanna
go, just say so. I'll understand.

Larry, I...

But don't insult my intelligence
with a ridiculous line like that.

Here you go. Terri
will be right out.

Thank you. Have a seat.

Let's talk about this
sightseeing. Your favorite places.

Where would you like to start?
Church? Museum? Mission?

I was thinking more Disneyland!

So was I! It's a
small world, after all!

[imitating] ♪ It's a
Small World Af... ♪

Oh my goodness!

Morning! Morning, Terri.

Catherine here yet? No, not yet.

Oh, Jack. I wanna tell
you how much I appreciate

you showing her
around yesterday.

Hey, it was my pleasure.

You know, she enjoyed
being with you, too.

She likes you. Really?

Yeah. She loves
your sense of humor.

You know what she told me? She said
I was more fun than a barrel of monks.

[doorbell rings]

Catherine, come on in!

You know what I thought we'd
do today? Go to the Observatory.

Oh, Fudge!

Catherine, I'm shocked!

I'm sorry. I have to
cancel our plans for today.

Double Fudge!
How 'bout tomorrow?

Good! Is Terri around?

Yeah, in the kitchen.

See you later. Okay.

Hi, Cathy! Wanna have breakfast?

Oh, no thanks. Oh.

So? How's it going?

Well, I'm gonna be
busier than I thought.

How come? I told you
about the thesis I'm writing.

You mean about the nuns who
leave the convent and get married.

I thought I was finished.

But my advisor thinks I should
include some other points of view.

Like what? Like people
outside the church.

Ordinary men and women.

Why don't you ask Jack?

No... I think it might
embarrass him. Why?

You saw the way he acted
when he found out I was a nun!

And this is a very heavy
subject. I can imagine.

You don't know the half of it! Listen
to this letter I received from an ex-nun.

I'm going to include
it in my thesis.

[phone rings] I'll get it!

Hello? Yeah?

Sure. Uh huh, okay.
I'll tell her. Goodbye.

[Catherine] I'm leaving the convent. I
never thought I would do such a thing.

But I've just met a man who's
shown me what it is to feel alive.

He's kind, warm, and
oh... understanding.

And best of all, he has the
most wonderful sense of humor.

A man who can make
me laugh like that is a

man I want to spend
the rest of my life with.

What's the matter?

Jack? You look like
you've seen the devil!

I probably will!

What happened?

[stammering] Huh?
Uh, uh... nothing. I uh...

I just... tried to hang
up and I missed.

Oh.

[doorbell rings]

Hi, buddy. I thought we'd
take in a movie tonight.

Anything you'd like to see?

A nun is in love with me.

Sounds kinky.
Where's it playing?

Larry. You don't understand.
Catherine is a nun.

Don't start that
again! It's the truth!

Well, she doesn't
look like a nun.

What is she... undercover?

Larry. It's no joke.

I heard her telling Terri that
she wants to leave the convent

and spend the rest
of her life with me.

Thin ice, Jack. You don't
want Him coming down on you.

What! Well, you know.
Lightning. Thunderbolts.

Will you be serious!

Jack! Come on, it's
gotta be a mistake!

Why don't you talk
to her? Clear it up.

You're right. It's
gotta be a mistake.

Catherine! Could I see
you out here for a second?

I will see you later.

No, Larry. Wait! Nonononono.

This is strictly
between you, her and...

[imitates thunderbolt]

Yes, Jack?

Catherine, I... I couldn't help but
overhear what you were telling Terri.

And?

And I think we oughtta
have a talk. Please.

Oh, I'm so glad to
hear you say that.

Well then. How would you
feel about marrying an ex-nun?

[stammering] Meh meh meh meh
mah mah mah mah mah mah meh mah?

I mean, do you think you could
treat her like a normal person?

No. No. Why?

Why? Well...

Look. Catherine.
You've gotta face it.

A nun doesn't know anything
about the outside world. See?

When she meets someone
handsome, witty, an all-around good guy,

naturally she'll think
she's in love, but she's not.

It's just a temporary
infatuation.

Jack! I'm talking about
real and lasting love.

[high-pitched]
There's no such thing!

If you wanna go see Father
Sullivan, we better go now.

Okay. He's advising
me on this. Oh, I hope so.

And then we have to
discuss the wedding.

[stammering] The
weh-weh-weh-weh-weh, weh wuh, wuh, w...

[both] Bye, Jack!

You better fix that!

Jack, I heard everything!
You were right!

She's not even waiting for
advice, she's planning the wedding!

How can I make her get over me?

Uh, uh, you gotta make
her think that you're a loser.

Okay. A Zero. A Zilch.
An absolute nothing.

How do I do that?
Shouldn't be too hard.

I need your help! What do I do?

We'll make her think that you're a
hopeless drunk. We'll go to a bar...

[doorbell rings]

Well, hi, Catherine. Come on in.

Hi, Larry. Is Jack here?

I'm afraid not. Poor guy.

Poor guy?

What's that? Huh?
This? Oh! This. I, uh...

Oh, darn. I tried to hide
this from you. It's Jack's.

You dragged it out of me.

I don't understand.

He started drinking again.

Again?

Yeah... and he
was doing so well!

Why, here! Read this.

"Dear friends. I fell
off the wagon again,

"and I hate myself."
See what I mean?

"I am not worthy of
anyone's friendship or love."

He's right about that. I
wish we could help him!

"Don't try to help me. The only
help I want comes from a bottle.

"Chuck's Bar and Grill.
Yours unworthily, Jack."

Poor guy!

Larry, you've got
to take me there.

Hey, you don't need reservations.
Chuck's is kind of laid back.

I'm calling my dad.

Captain James, please.
Is he in the Army?

No, he's a policeman.

Hello, father? Can we discuss
the wedding plans later?

Well, I've got to meet a
friend at Chuck's Bar and Grill.

Oh come on, father. You
think every place is a dive.

Don't worry. I'll be careful.

See you later.

Let's go while
there's still time.

Hi, Larry. Nobody's home.

Uh, listen. I got paint
all over my hands.

You wouldn't know if there's
a bottle of turpentine up here?

I think Jack drank it.

[gasps]

Drank it? No...

"Unworthily yours, Jack"?

Oh my God!

I gotta do something!

Big trouble! Look at this!

Darn telephone company.
What do they know?

I gotta do this...
I gotta... I got...

I gotta calm down.

Calm down. [deep sigh]

Ahhh! Ahhh!

Mr. Furley! What's the matter?

Jack drank my turpentine!

I mean he's been
drinking! I... here! Look!

Wait, Mr. Furley,
I can't read it!

I didn't say read
it! I said look at it!

Come on with me!
We got a life to save!

What! Wait, Mr. Furley...

[groans]

All right. That's it for you.

This ain't a flophouse!

Come on! Get out of
here, you no-good bum!

See ya tomorrow!

[bird call]

It's kinda warm in
here, don't you...?

Look, I don't care if you drink it
or wear it. As long as you pay for it.

I'll get you another one.
Appreciate it. Thank you.

See?

Look at him. Hopeless drunk. He's
too far gone to save. We better go.

We can't leave. He needs love and
understanding more than ever now.

Uh... if you need any help, I'll be
outside in the car with the motor running.

Jack?

I found your note.

[slurring] Oh my
God! I'm so ashamed!

I never meant for
you to see me like this!

It's about time!

Poor Jack. I don't
want your pity!

Now that you've seen me how I
really am... you might as well leave.

Abandon you? I'll never do that.

Never?

Bartender, I'll have a double!

Oh look! Look!

There he is! Oh my gosh. He
must be drunk. He's with a girl.

Mr. Furley, I think you
better let me handle this.

All right. I'll be at the bar.

Jack, what's going on?

What are you doing
in a place like this...

with a woman like that?

Now, just a moment...
Get lost, sister!

[inaudible dialog]

Come on, Jack. Lemme get
you out... oh! It must be true!

You smell like a brewery!
Look, don't bother the customers!

Wha... Hey!

Who's she?

Crazy Annie. She's always
looking for a free drink.

Jack? I'm not leaving here until I
get some answers and that's that!

You'll never find the answer
in the bottom of a bottle, Annie!

Listen, you!

I told you, lady. Hey, listen...

Listen, you big goon! I don't want
you giving him any more to drink, okay?

Is that so? Yeah.

And what do you want!

Nothing!

I don't need you. I
don't need anybody.

All I need is this.

No!

All right, that's it for you.

Wait! Wait!

You can't do that to her!

Oh, no?

Look. You're wasting
your time. I'm no good.

Father! Father?
Where's his collar?

What?

I gotta talk to you. Listen.

I don't know what
Catherine's told you about me,

but I'm Jack Tripper.
You see, Father?

I'm not your father.

Well, I know I don't
belong to the same church...

We gotta get out of here. We have
to discuss the wedding arrangements.

There can't be any wedding!

What! It's a mistake! She's
choosing a bum for a husband!

You can't talk about
my Emily like that!

Emily? I'm talking
about Catherine!

She wants to leave the
convent and marry me!

What? Are you out of your mind?

All right, cut it out
or I'll call the cops!

I am the cops!

Drinks are on the house!

Jack! Where did you
ever get an idea like that?

That's what you told Terri in the
kitchen this morning, I heard you!

Oh, no! I was reading a letter from
an ex-nun that I'm using in my thesis.

Thesis? Uh huh.

But... th... the wedding...

That's my sister. Emily.

Oh... ohhh!

Now I understand. So your
father... isn't really your father.

What!

I mean you're a father but
not a father-father. Father.

Here you are, folks.

I could sure use a drink.

Now that that's
settled I don't...

I told you, no more drinks!

Listen, Janet! How long
are you gonna stay mad?

"Crazy Annie", huh?

Annie, I wha... I mean,
Jannie, Janet, Janet...

[shouting] Ahh! Jack!

Can I just...

Hiya Jack. Where have you been?

I've been trying to get Catherine to
change her mind about marrying me.

Marrying you? But she's a nun!

I know that!

Then why would sh...

You don't understand anything!

Oh. Hiya, Janet. How
was the convention?

Are you okay? No. I'm not okay.

What's the matter?

How would you like to
be called "Crazy Annie"?

And have people thinking
that you were a drunk?

And have some big
palooka pick you up?

I swear I was only trying to
help him. This guy picks me up,

throws me over his shoulder,
I'm yelling, I'm screaming,

he tosses me right
out in the street...

What do you say to that?

Keep away from
florist conventions!

You don't understand anything,
Terri! I can't believe this!

I'm going back to the psycho
ward where people make sense!

Closed-Captioned by J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA