Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 6, Episode 13 - The Matchbreakers - full transcript

[man] ♪ Come and
knock on our door ♪

[woman] ♪ Come and
knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

[both] ♪ Where the kisses
are hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪
♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪
♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a loveable space
that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ You'll see that life is a ball
again Laughter is calling for you ♪



♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

Hi, Cindy. Hi, Jack.

What are you
making? Well, it's, uh...

Let me have a taste here. Jack!

Interesting flavor. It's a
little too gummy, though.

It's supposed to be. It's glue.

Cindy! It's for the
kites I'm making.

Kites? Janet, Terri and I thought
it might be fun to go kite-flying.

All I have to do is put the
tail on and she's ready to go.

Oh, let me see. Let me
help you. Oh, thanks, Jack.

Oh, a kite! Did you
make this yourself?



Uh-huh. All by myself.
I'm proud of you, Cindy.

It's a job well
done. Thanks, Jack.

Who knows? It may even fly.

Okay. Well,

how 'bout taking
her for a test run?

Sure. Okay.

Cindy, Cindy,
Cindy, wait, wait, wait!

Jack! Okay, Cindy,
we're all ready...

I'm sorry. What's goin' on?

Jack was helping
me with my kite.

I'll fix it for you. Maybe we
can make two little ones out of it.

[doorbell rings] Boy! And
you say that Cindy's clumsy!

Hi, Mr. Furley. I won't be
needing your picnic basket.

What happened? There's
not gonna be any picnic.

Francine broke our date.

She called and said this is
the day she washes her hair.

Well, why don't you just
ask her out for tomorrow?

I did. She said that's
the day she dries it.

Mr. Furley, she was just trying
to make herself beautiful for you.

Oh, horse puckey!

Sorry, Cindy.

Oh, we all know Francine's

just giving me the old
brush-off. [Janet] Why?

Oh, I don't know. I guess I'm
just not macho enough for her.

Mr. Furley, I don't think you should
pick on yourself. You're plenty macho.

I am not!

I'm through with women. Ohh.

Don't you get any ideas!

[doorbell rings] I'll get it!

Thanks. Hello.

Excuse me, but could you tell
me where I could find the manager?

Oh, are you in luck today.
Allow me to introduce myself.

I was just driving by when I saw

how well-kept-up
this building was.

Well, I'm Ralph Furley, and it
didn't get that way by accident.

My life is devoted to keeping

this building looking as snappy as
possible. Oh, then you're the manager.

Uh, well, not just the manager.

Oh! Then you're the owner.

Well, as a matter
of fact, uh, I am.

You are? Mm-hmm.

[all] Oh, yes!

I should've known
you were the owner!

I mean, I could tell
just by looking at you

that you're the kind of man
that appearances are important.

Oh, it's that obvious, is it?

Yes. Take this
shirt, for example.

That's exactly the kind of shirt
that Burt Reynolds always wears.

Yeah, Burt probably

saw me wearing this shirt.

I always drive through Hollywood
when I go to the dentist. Oh!

You know, I would just love to
see more of this beautiful building.

Well, certainly, Mrs... Ms. Ms.!

You can call me Marsha.

Well, Marsha,

why don't we start
with my apartment?

Oh, why not?

Excuse us.

Did you see that? See what?

The way that lady
came on to Mr. Furley

after he said that he
owned the building.

I sure did. Oh, come on.
She was just flirting with him.

What harm can there be in that?

Kids, you'd better
call a locksmith.

[Terri] Why? I think Marsha has
just stolen the key to my heart.

Boy, I think Cindy did really
good on this one, don't you?

[both gasp] Jack, why don't
you watch what you're doing?

New kite! Yes, Cindy spent the
morning making us a new one.

Oh, uh, let's see it. Oh, no!

Come on. No! Not after
what you did to Cindy's kite.

Can you believe her?

It was just a freak accident, Janet.
I could have happened to anyb...

Oh, God. Mmm!

Another thing... [cries out]

Never mind. It
wasn't that important.

A little Scotch tape
and it'll be brand new.

[both complaining] I'm sorry.

Oh, hi, Larry. I just had
the weirdest experience.

It was like something
out of The Twilight Zone.

I told Furley I was gonna
be a little late with the rent,

and he goes, “Fine.”

How do you explain that?
Easy. Furley is in love.

Our Mr. Furley? Yeah, I think he's
finally found his dream girl, Marsha.

She's smart and pretty...
And a little strange.

Huh? Why else
would she date Furley?

Because she thinks
he's got money.

You mean, because he
told her he owns the building?

Well, not just that, Jack. I mean, he's
been wining and dining her for 3 days.

Well, maybe she just
enjoys his company.

You know, but what if
she is after his money?

I mean, what's gonna happen when
she finds out he doesn't have any?

I think I can answer that. Mr. Furley
will have to check into Heartbreak Hotel,

walk down Lonely Street, stroll
the Boulevard of Broken Dreams,

cruise the Avenue...
Okay, Larry, okay!

I think we got the picture.

Poor Mr. Furley. What can we do?

Huh.

We can get his ex-wife
to break them up.

What? Look, if Marsha thinks

he has an ex-wife who
controls all his money,

we find out whether or
not she's a fortune hunter.

Oh, now, that's just great. Now,
all we have to do is get Furley

married and divorced
before their next date.

No, we don't. I'm
dating this actress.

She could play
the ex-Mrs. Furley.

Is she good? The best.
And she can act too.

Ow!

Janet! It's 5:14.

Larry said that actress friend of
his was gonna be here at 5:00.

Oh! There's Marsha!
What are we gonna do?

Hello, Ms. Whitewood.
What a surprise!

Oh? What are you doing here?

Well, you called and
asked me to meet you here.

Yes, that's right. I
did, didn't I? Yes.

Hello. [both] Hi.

So what did I want
to talk to you about?

Well, I don't know.
You haven't told me yet.

Right. Right. I was
just testing you.

You see, the three
of us, the girls and I,

Terri, Janet and myself, Hi.

We, uh, we want to talk to
you about, uh... about, uh...

Yoo-hoo!

Oh, my God!

Larry! What are you doing?

I'm trick-or-treating.

What does it look
like I'm doing?

I'm here to find out about Furley's
girlfriend. What about your actress friend?

Eh, she had an audition
for a dog-food commercial.

Speaking of dogs...

Do you really think you're gonna
fool anybody in this ridiculous disguise?

[cries out]

Fresh!

Does that answer your question?

Uh, uh, girls, girls?
Look who's here.

It's Mrs. Furley. Hi, girls!

Mrs. Furley? Yes, uh,
Mr. Furley's ex-wife.

Ex-wife? Why, he never said
anything about an ex-wife to me.

[high-pitched laugh]

[falsetto voice] I bet there's a lot
about Ralph you don't know, hon.

Uh, Mrs. Funny...

Mrs. Furley, I think
before you go any further,

you should know that Marsha
is dating your ex-husband.

Oh, yes. He mentioned you.

Now, just what did you mean by,

a few things about
Ralph that I don't know?

Oh, you know, the
little things, hon, like, uh,

he's very cranky in the
morning, hates green vegetables,

and he is poor as
a church mouse.

Poor? What do you mean, poor?

What about that
apartment building? Mine.

All mine.

It was part of the
divorce settlement.

I ended up with everything.

Everything? Total-rama.

Ooh! Well, well,
well, well, well.

Oh, that Ralphie, he's
such a ladies' man.

Of course, this is the first time he's
gone in for an [deep voice] older woman.

“Older woman”? Well,
I guess it's like he said.

“For every old sock,
there's an old shoe”"

Old shoe? Did I say something?

Heavens to Murgatroyd. Dear
me. Will you look at the time?

And, I'm off.

Well, I'm afraid I
don't know Ralph

quite as well as
I thought I did.

Good-bye, all. Bye, bye.

Marsha! I didn't expect to
see you here, honey bun.

And you won't
anymore, honey bun.

Good-bye!

Marsha! Good-bye?

I don't understand! I
thought she really liked me.

Women!

Just last night she
was so lovey-dovey

over dinner at
the Pink Pheasant.

The Pink Pheasant?

She made you take her to
an expensive place like that?

No, no. She took
me. In her limousine.

Her limo... Her-Her l-li-limo...

Mr. Furley, do you mean that
she's rich? Oh, yeah. She's loaded.

I just can't believe it!

She had it all...
Brains, beauty, money.

And now she's gone.

Tell me this, kids...
How did I manage to

louse it up so badly?

[racking sobs]

[snarls] [Janet screams]

Oh, great. I'm out of paper.

Maybe I should
just make a box kite.

[sighs]

Come on, you guys. Cheer up.

You thought you were helping
Mr. Furley. That's what friends are for.

Thanks, Cindy.

I mean, you didn't know you
were going to ruin Mr. Furley's life.

Cindy, if you ever walk
by a man on a ledge

about to jump,
don't say anything.

Just keep walking.
Okay? Thank you.

Oh, guys, what are we gonna do?

Well, I know what I'm gonna
do. I'm gonna call Marsha again

and tell her that
Furley's ex-wife

made up all those stories
about Furley womanizing.

Oh, do you think
she'll believe that?

She will, coming from me. If
there's one thing I am, it's sincere.

Marsha, darling! Hello!

This is Jack
Tripper. Hi. Listen...

[doorbell rings]
[Cindy] I'll get it!

There's a bit of a problem...

Hi, Mr. Furley.

Hi, Terri. I'm Cindy.

What difference does it make?

I just came up to
see if you needed me

for anything.

I did it! Mr. Furley, guess
who's coming over later?

No, Marsha! She wants to get
back together again with you.

I just called her and
straightened the whole thing out!

That's nice.

What's wrong? Get
back together again?

What do you mean? Why didn't
you say so in the first place?

Mr. Furley, I... Not now,
Jack! I've got plans to make!

How can I make any plans? I don't
even know when she's getting here!

When is she getting here? 6:00.

6:00. Oh. 6:00!

Oh, it'll take me 4
hours to get ready!

Mm!

Gee, I thought Mr. Furley
would be more excited than that.

Mr. Furley, wouldn't
you like to sit down?

Marsha's not gonna be
here for another 5 minutes.

4 minutes, 31 seconds.

Darn laundry went and
lost my Burt Reynolds shirt!

Do you think Marsha
will like this one?

It looks a lot like the one Clint
Eastwood wore in Dirty Harry.

Mr. Furley, now,
would you just relax?

Soon Marsha will be here, and
then you can go down to your place...

Oh, no! No! We're
staying right here.

I can't afford to make
any more mistakes.

I want you kids right
by my side all night.

[doorbell rings] Okay, if you're
sure that's what you want.

I'm positive. Whatever
you do, don't leave me.

Hi, Jack. Hi.

Oh, Ralph!

Ooh, it's so good
to see you again.

Good-bye, kids.

I missed you so much.

Oh, and I missed you too.

Mm! See you later, kids!

Ooh, you look so
handsome this evening!

I know.

What are you still doing
here? We live here!

Well, if you're gonna
be picky about it,

we'll go down to my place
where we can get some privacy!

[laughing] We did it! We did it!

We sure did. From now
on in, it's up to Furley.

He screws up now,
it's his problem.

Guys! Guys, guys, you're not
gonna believe this. Listen to this.

“Marsha Whitewood of
Whitewood Real Estate

“bought 3 more apartment
buildings last week

“in order to convert
them to condominiums.

“Ms. Whitewood, known
in real estate circles

“as 'the queen of the condos'

wasted no time in serving the
previous occupants with eviction notices.”

Boy, are we lucky
we broke them up!

Excuse me? ¿Se habla Engles?

You hear what I just read?

So it was the building she was
interested in all the time, not Furley.

So what are you all
looking so sad about?

Larry, we may have
broken them up yesterday...

But we went and got them
back together again today.

What?

After all my hard work?

This is the last time I put
on panty hose for you people!

Okay, okay. This
has gone far enough.

We have got to go down there,
and we got to tell that lady the truth.

No, wait a minute! What about
Mr. Furley? He's gonna be crushed!

Oh, you're right,
Terri. Yeah, Janet.

You saw the way he was acting
tonight... like a lovesick schoolboy.

I know! He looked like he
was about ready to propose.

Yeah.

[all] Propose?

[grunting]

Marsha, now that we're
getting back together,

there's, uh, something
I've got to tell you.

Actually, I'm not as successful

as you might think.

Oh, come on, Ralph.

You know you're
sitting on a fortune here.

Really?

Good thing you told me. I was
gonna trade it in for a hide-a-bed.

[doorbell rings] Oh!

Darn tenants. What now?

Hey, Mr. Furley, I got
to talk to you. Not now!

Thanks. I knew you'd
understand. What is it?

Uh... Well, it's,
uh, uh, the cactus.

What about 'em? Well,
they look all dried out.

That's the way they're
supposed to look.

If they didn't, they'd
be watermelons.

Look, Mr. Furley... All
right. I'll water 'em tomorrow.

No! They could be dead by then!

Ms. Whitewood, we know why
you've been dating Mr. Furley.

Oh? Mm-hmm. You
want this building.

So? What if I do?

Look, Marsha, Mr. Furley's
really a very nice guy,

and he really likes you,

and he wanted to make a
good impression on you...

Wait a minute. What
is it you're getting at?

He doesn't really
own this building.

Oh, but Jack just said on the
phone... Never mind what Jack said.

Mr. Furley's brother owns it, and
you can check it out if you want.

Oh!

That won't be necessary.

Hmph! Uh, does this, uh,

Does this mean that you won't
want to see Mr. Furley anymore?

Huh! That's a mild
understatement.

Um, Miss Whitewood,

could you just do us a favor

and just say something to
him before you just walk out?

Yes, I think that
would be only right.

Oh, thanks a lot. Thanks.

I'll tell him what
a low, sniveling

little twerp he really is.

You can't do that? Oh, no?

Give me one good
reason why. Why?

Why? Why.

Uh, w-why. Because...
Um, because you

wouldn't want to
be around Mr. Furley

when somebody gets
him angry, that's why.

“Angry”? [chuckles]
That little mouse?

Oh, don't kid yourself.

Underneath that mousy exterior

lurks a very raging bull

[loudly] when someone
gets him angry.

Oh, come on! Don't
make me laugh!

There. Now I've
watered the stupid cactus.

Are you satisfied? Oops!

What was that?

Now look what you
did. Stop it, Mr. Furley!

Well, I was just
gonna clean it up.

No, I didn't mean to
insult you. Insult me?

Don't hit me! [Mr. Furley] What?

[Jack] Don't hit me! Oh, my God!

What do you mean, hit you? I
was just gonna pick up the cactus.

I'm going out there! No!

But I'm a nurse!

Oh, Terri, you can't! Mr. Furley's a
maniac when he loses his temper!

Please be careful,
Mr. Furley. You could kill it.

What are you talking about?
These cactuses never die.

What? They never die!

They never what? Die!

[screaming] [shrieking]

Please, Mr. Furley! No more!

No more?

Jack, I'm startin'

to get a little angry.

A little angry?

Oh! Oh, yeah.

You see, ordinarily,

I'm an easygoing guy, but, uh, you wouldn't
want to be around me when I'm annoyed.

No, no, no, no. So I see. What?

Please excuse me. Don't hit me!

Please, Ralph!
Ralph, Ralph, Ralph.

Now, Ralph, it's been
very nice knowing you,

but, uh, well, I don't
think that I am the woman

to make you happy.

So good-bye. But-but-but...

Well, what did I do now?

Well, uh, I guess that you
just came on too strong.

I never laid a lip on her.

You didn't have to. Yeah,
it was in your tone of voice.

The way you carried yourself.
The way you looked at her.

You know what your
problem is, Mr. Furley?

You're just too darn macho.

Too macho, huh? Yep.

Yeah, I think you're right.

That's what's been
scarin' all the women away.

I guess I'll have to keep a
tighter rein on it from now on.

[sniffs, exhales]

[gasps]

Still too much, huh?

Gotta work on it. [sniffs]

[yelping] Still too much.

[gasps] Forget it, Jack!

Oh! Boy, am I glad we
straightened everything out.

Me too, but I'll tell
you, poor Mr. Furley.

I mean, he's so hung
up on being macho.

Well, it's all so silly. Either
you got it or you haven't.

Personally, Jack, I don't think
macho is all that important.

Me neither. Oh? What
do you girls go for?

Well, I like a guy
who's soft-spoken.

[whispering] I agree with you.

What? I agree with you.

But he must be bold. I agree
with you too! Damn straight!

Do you know what
really turns me on?

What, what, what, what, what,
what? A guy who's considerate.

Where's me head? Here we are,
talking, and you're still standing.

Janet, have a seat.

I like a guy who's strong too.

Talk to me, Mama!

You know what really turns me
on? What, what, what, what, what?

A man who's unassuming.

Excuse me. Uh, is
anybody sitting... Could I sit...

Of course! Go right
ahead. Thank you very...

An I like a guy who's got
a great sense of humor.

[laughing] You kill me!

You know, the most important
thing is, is that he must

show self-restraint.

Yeah, he's got to know
exactly when to stop.

I'll never make it.

[Woman] Three's Company was
videotaped in front of a studio audience.

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA