Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 5, Episode 9 - The Not-So-Great Imposter - full transcript

Jack goes to apply for a chef job at a restaurant. But upon arriving, the owner leaves and Jack answers the phone and takes a message from a guy saying he can't make it. When the owner comes back, he vents at being frustrated of having to interview inexperienced chefs. That's when Jack mentions the name of the one who called and the owner assumes Jack is him, a renowned chef. Jack doesn't correct him. What Jack doesn't know is that there a lot of people out to get man he is pretending to be and they show up at the restaurant.

( theme music playing )

♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪

♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪

♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE
HERS AND HERS AND HIS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪

♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪

- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪

♪ WE'VE A LOVABLE SPACE
THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪



♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THREE IS COMPANY TOO ♪

- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THREE IS COMPANY TOO. ♪

- GOOD MORNING, JANET!
- COFFEE.

ISN'T IT A BEAUTIFUL DAY?

I'LL LET YOU KNOW JUST AS
SOON AS I GET MY EYES OPEN.

COFFEE.

THANK YOU.

WHERE'S THE REST?

THAT'S ALL FOR TODAY. TOO MUCH
COFFEE IS BAD FOR YOUR NERVES.

WHATEVER YOU SAY. FILL IT.

JANET, TOO MUCH COFFEE IN THE
MORNING MAKES A PERSON CRANKY,



- IRRITABLE, AND NASTY.
- CINDY, GIVE ME THE COFFEE!

SEE, ALL YOU HAD WAS ONE SIP
AND YOUR IRRITABLE ALREADY.

GOOD MORNING, LADIES,
HOW ARE WE DOING?

- OH, SWELL.
- ANY COFFEE LEFT?

UH-HUH, HOLD YOUR CUP OUT.

MAYBE I'D BETTER POUR IT MYSELF.

I'LL BE CAREFUL.

- OKAY, GO AHEAD, GENTLY.
- ALL RIGHT.

GOOD. ANY ROLLS LEFT?

- RIGHT THERE ON THE...
- HEY!

OH, JACK, I'M SO SORRY!

DID I GET ANY ON YOUR PANTS?

NO, IT ALL WENT INTO MY SHOE.

WELL, AT LEAST YOUR FOOT WON'T FALL
ASLEEP AT YOUR JOB INTERVIEW TODAY.

I'M NOT EVEN SURE I'M GOING.

WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN,

YOU'RE NOT EVEN SURE
THAT YOU'RE GOING?

YOU KNOW, ALL THESE
INTERVIEWS ARE THE SAME.

I WALK IN THERE AND HAND
MR. ANGELINO MY RESUME,

HE'LL ASK ME WHAT
EXPERIENCE I'VE HAD.

SO I'LL TELL HIM ABOUT
ALL THE HAMBURGER JOINTS

AND COFFEE SHOPS I'VE WORKED IN,

AND HE'LL TOSS MY RESUME
ON A STACK OF ABOUT 50 OTHERS

AND SAY "THANK YOU,
WE'LL LET YOU KNOW."

JACK, DO YOU KNOW
WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS?

YEAH, I CAN'T GET A JOB
BECAUSE I HAVE NO EXPERIENCE

AND I HAVE NO EXPERIENCE
BECAUSE I CAN'T GET A JOB.

YOUR PROBLEM IS THAT
YOU'RE FULL OF SELF-PITY.

I AM NOT FULL OF SELF-PITY.

I JUST HAPPEN TO FEEL
SORRY FOR MYSELF.

Both girls: AW, JACK...

- WHERE'S THAT DARLING
LITTLE GUY WE ALL ADORE?
- YEAH.

LARRY? HE'S AWAY THIS WEEKEND.

COME ON, WHERE'S THAT CUTE LITTLE
SMILE THAT BRIGHTENS UP THE ROOM?

- CUT IT OUT, JANET.
- AH, THERE IT IS!

AND DON'T FORGET THOSE
TWINKLING BLUE EYES.

- MY EYES DON'T TWINKLE. DO THEY, A LITTLE?
- YEAH.

WHAT DO YOU THINK
TURNS ALL THE GIRLS ON?

OH, COME ON, IT DOESN'T
TURN ALL THE GIRLS...

MOST... A LOT OF THEM, SOME.

THERE IT IS.

THERE'S THAT LOVABLE PERSONALITY

THAT CAN GET YOU
ANYTHING YOU WANT.

INCLUDING THAT
JOB AT ANGELINO'S.

THAT'S RIGHT, SO YOU JUST HUSTLE ON
DOWN THERE AND YOU KNOCK 'EM DEAD.

WELL, MAYBE IT'S WORTH A TRY.

THAT'S OUR JACK!

JANET, DID YOU REALLY
MEAN WHAT YOU SAID ABOUT

I COULD GET ANYTHING I WANTED?

ANYTHING BUT THAT.

GOOD LUCK, BYE!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
HE'S TOO BUSY TO TALK?

YOU TELL SAM IT'S ANGELINO
AND HE BETTER PICK UP THE PHONE!

HEY, SAM, NOW LISTEN.

WHEN I ORDER AGED
BEEF, I WANT AGED BEEF.

- RIGHT?
- RIGHT.

NO, I DON'T HAVE TO SEE
THEIR BIRTH CERTIFICATES.

ALL I NEED IS A
GOOD PIECE OF MEAT.

THAT'S NOT ASKING TOO MUCH.

- RIGHT?
- RIGHT.

RIGHT!

WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

MR. ANGELINO, I CAME TO
APPLY FOR THE JOB OF CHEF.

JUST PUT YOUR RESUME ON
THE DESK WITH THE OTHERS.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

"PUT YOU RESUME ON THE
DESK WITH THE OTHERS."

( phone rings )

- UM, TELEPH...
- ( phone ringing )

MR. ANGELINO?

IS ANYBODY... HELLO?

NO, MR. ANGELINO
JUST STEPPED OUT.

SURE, SURE. I'LL GET A PENCIL.

GO AHEAD, I'LL REMEMBER IT.

YOUR NAME IS DAVID MILLER

AND YOU'RE GOING OUT OF TOWN.

SO YOU CAN'T MAKE
YOUR APPOINTMENT, SURE.

DON'T WORRY. I WON'T
FORGET, MR. UM...

MR. UM... MILLER!

DAVID MILLER.
OKAY, I'LL TELL HIM.

OKAY, BYE-BYE.

DAVID MILLER, DAVID
MILLER, GOING OUT OF TOWN,

CAN'T MAKE THE
APPOINTMENT, DAVID MILL...

ALL RIGHT... LET'S
GET THIS OVER WITH.

- NAME?
- DAVID MILLER. I MEAN...

DAVID MILLER? WHY
DIDN'T YOU SAY SO?

HUH?

IT IS AN HONOR TO MEET A
CHEF WITH YOUR REPUTATION.

WAIT TILL PEOPLE HEAR
THAT I HAVE THE DAVID MILLER

COOKING IN MY RESTAURANT!

- YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND...
- I KNOW, YOU DON'T COME CHEAP.

BUT MONEY IS NO OBJECT.

MR. ANGELIN... IT ISN'T?
NO, NO, WAIT A MINUTE...

PLEASE, MILLER, I NEED YOU!

HERE, LOOK AT THESE RESUMES.

AMATEURS, STUDENTS, NOBODIES!

HERE, LOOK AT THIS ONE.
JACK TRIPPER, COLLEGE BOY,

NO EXPERIENCE.

I WOULDN'T LET HIM WASH
MY DISHES. JACK TRIPPER!

NOW, JUST A MINUTE...

I DON'T NEED A TRIPPER
TRIPPING OVER MY KITCHEN.

I NEED SOMEONE WITH EXPERIENCE.

CAN YOU START MONDAY NIGHT?

- MONDAY NIGHT?
- WHAT A TEAM WE'LL BE!

"ANGELINO AND DAVID MILLER!"

- HOW DOES THAT SOUND?
- WELL...

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
"DAVID MILLER AND ANGELINO."

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

CALL ME DAVE.

- ( phone rings ) - I'LL
GET IT! MAYBE IT'S JACK!

I HOPE HE GOT THE JOB!

HELLO? WHAT?

OH, SORRY, YOU HAVE
THE WRONG NUMBER.

NOBODY BY THAT NAME LIVES HERE.

HEY, BELIEVE ME, NOBODY
NAMED DAVID MILLER LIVES HERE.

HOLD IT, HOLD IT! HELLO?

OH, HI, MR. ANGELINO,
I CAN EXPLAIN.

THAT WAS UM, THAT WAS
MY NEW HOUSEKEEPER.

SHE DOESN'T SPEAK
ENGLISH VERY WELL.

ASTA LA VISTA, CARMELITA.

( high-pitched voice ) SEE
YOU MANANA, SENOR!

PARDON ME?

TOMORROW NIGHT
INSTEAD OF MONDAY NIGHT?

THAT'S FINE WITH ME.

LISTEN, I'M LOOKING
FORWARD TO IT, TOO.

BYE-BYE, MR. ANGELINO.

MMM, CHH-CHH, MMM, CHH-CHH...

HEY, SMARTY PANTS.

- WHAT?
- WHO WAS THAT?

THAT WAS MY NEW BOSS.

YOU GOT THE JOB!

JACK, THAT'S WONDERFUL! WAIT A
MINUTE, WHO'S THIS DAVID MILLER?

I AM.

- WHAT?
- NOT REALLY, BUT
MR. ANGELINO THINKS I AM

AND WHEN I TRIED TO
EXPLAIN TO HIM THAT I WASN'T

HE WOULDN'T LISTEN BECAUSE
HE WAS TOO BUSY TELLING ME

WHY HE WOULD NEVER HIRE
ANYONE LIKE ME IN THE FIRST PLACE

AND THAT MADE ME SO MAD THAT WHEN
HE OFFERED ME THE JOB I ACCEPTED IT

AND THAT'S WHY I'M DAVID MILLER.

- WHAT DID YOU SAY?
- I DON'T REMEMBER.

JACK, HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY
SAY YOU WERE DAVID MILLER?

I DIDN'T SAY IT, HE DID.

WHAT ABOUT THE
REAL DAVID MILLER?

SEE, HE'S OUT OF TOWN, AND
BY THE TIME HE GETS BACK,

MR. ANGELINO WILL KNOW
WHAT A GOOD COOK I AM

AND HE'LL BE SO
IMPRESSED WITH MY WORK

THAT HE'LL HAVE TO
LET ME KEEP THE JOB.

JACK, THIS DOESN'T
SOUND LIKE YOU.

I'M NOT ME, I'M DAVID MILLER.

- HEY, JACK...
- JANET, LISTEN.

JUST GO ALONG WITH ME
FOR A FEW WEEKS, OKAY?

I'M NOT GONNA BE JACK
TRIPPER. CAN YOU HANDLE THAT?

UGH!

- ( phone rings )
- CAN YOU HANDLE THAT?

- I GUESS SO, JACK.
- NO, NO, I'M DAVID MILLER.

HELLO?

YES.

NO.

NO, I'M SORRY.

BYE.

- WHO WAS THAT?
- SOMEBODY NAMED JUDY SIMMS.

JUDY SIMMS? I'VE BEEN TRYING TO
GET A DATE WITH HER FOR WEEKS.

SHE HAD THE WRONG NUMBER.

- SHE WAS ASKING FOR SOME
GUY NAMED JACK TRIPPER.
- WHAT?

- SORRY, DAVE.
- JANET... ( laughs )

MMMM!

- JANET, HI.
- HI.

- THIS IS THE BIG DAY.
- OH, REALLY?

AND WHO ARE YOU GONNA BE TODAY?

CUT IT OUT, JANET.

OKAY, DAVE.

OH, LOOK, IT'S NO BIG
DEAL. WHO'S GONNA KNOW?

ANYBODY WHO READS THE
NEWSPAPER, THAT'S WHO.

SO WHAT? IT'S AN AD FOR
ANGELINO'S RESTAURANT.

YEAH, WHY DON'T YOU
LOOK DOWN AT THE BOTTOM?

"ANGELINO'S PROUDLY PRESENTS

THE COOKING WIZARDRY
OF DAVID MILLER"?

MM-HMM. NOW WHAT DO YOU SAY?

NOBODY EVER READS THE SMALL
PRINT IN THOSE ADS ANYWAY.

THAT'S RIGHT, LEFTY.

WE'RE GONNA COLLECT FROM
THAT DEADBEAT MILLER AFTER ALL.

NO, I WOULDN'T
THINK OF HURTING HIM.

YOU KNOW ME. I'LL HURT
HIM WITHOUT THINKING.

LOOK AT THIS.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW? THE
RAT'S COME OUT OF HIS HOLE.

ANGELINO'S RESTAURANT. HOW
DO YOU LIKE THAT, HORTENSE?

HE'S GOING TO BE AT
ANGELINO'S RESTAURANT.

( bird chirps )

THAT'S RIGHT, NO ONE RUNS OFF
WITH MY WIFE AND GETS AWAY WITH IT.

I'LL KILL HIM!

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING, JACK?

YOU'RE STARTING
YOUR NEW JOB TONIGHT.

SHOULDN'T YOU BE READING
RECIPES INSTEAD OF THE PAPER?

JANET...

DOES MARLON BRANDO
READ ABOUT ACTING?

- EXCUSE ME?
- DOES JACK NICKLAUS
READ GOLF MANUALS?

DOES BILLY GRAHAM
READ THE BIBLE?

THAT'S A BAD EXAMPLE.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

I'M SORRY, I WAS
JUST TRYING TO HELP.

JANET, I AM A P-R-O-FESSIONAL,

YOU UNDERSTAND?

I DON'T NEED TO READ
TO READ RECIPES.

I GOT IT ALL UP HERE. HELLO?

DAVID WHO? WHAT?

OH! YES! I'M HIM, I'M HE.
DAVID MILLER SPEAKING.

FUNNY THING, YOU
CALLING NOW, MR. ANGELINO.

I WAS JUST BRUSHING
UP ON MY RECIPES.

HOW... OOF!

WHAT? WHO...

JASON DEVEREAUX,
THE FOOD CRITIC?

HE'S COMING TO THE
RESTAURANT TONIGHT.

HE'S REQUESTED MY SPECIALTY!

WHAT SPECIALTY?

OH, THAT SPECIALTY!
NO PROB, MR. ANGELINO.

I CAN DO THAT ONE
WITH MY EYES CLOSED.

OKAY, SEE YOU SOON.

UH-HUH, BYE-BYE.

JACK, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- POULET, POULET...

"POULET POCHE AUX
AROMATES AU NATURAL."

OH!

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- YOU DON'T NEED THIS.

- GIMME THAT.
- REMEMBER, YOU DON'T NEED THIS.

JANET, GIMME THAT!

- COME HERE!
- NO!

( Janet laughing )

DON'T BE SUCH A
TEASE, JANET, I WANT IT!

YOU CAN'T HAVE IT!

JANET, I JUST WANT TO
LOOK AT IT FOR A MINUTE.

( gasps )

HI, CINDY, COME HERE. SHE
WON'T GIVE ME MY COOKBOOK.

- COOKBOOK?
- YES.

GET UP! GET UP!

DON'T YOU HIT ME.

HERE, TAKE IT, YOU BIG BABY.

I DON'T HAVE TIME
TO READ IT NOW.

I'LL TAKE IT WITH ME.

OH, JACK, GUESS WHO'S GOING
TO BE AT ANGELINO'S TONIGHT?

- ME.
- NO, ME.

MY BOSS ASKED ME TO ENTERTAIN
AN OUT-OF-TOWN CLIENT TONIGHT,

- AND WE'RE GOING TO ANGELINO'S!
- THAT'S GREAT, BUT REMEMBER,

I'M DAVID MILLER, SO IF YOU
SEE ME DON'T GIVE ME AWAY.

- JACK, YOU WON'T EVEN
KNOW I'M THERE.
- GOOD, BEC...

- OH, I'LL GET IT...
- OW!

BELIEVE ME, I'LL
KNOW YOU'RE THERE.

( knocking on door )

I'M COMING, HOLD YOUR
HORSES! WHO IS IT?

OPEN UP, IT'S ME, R.F.!

QUICK, LOCK THE DOOR!

- MR. FURLEY!
- I WAS ALMOST RUBBED OUT!

A GANGSTER JUST
LEFT MY APARTMENT!

HELP ME PUSH THIS
COUCH AGAINST THE DOOR!

MR. FURLEY, CALM DOWN!

I AM CALM!

HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS
GUY WAS A GANGSTER?

HE TOLD ME! HE WANTED
INFORMATION, BUT I DIDN'T CRACK.

- I DIDN'T TELL HIM ANYTHING.
- GOOD FOR YOU.

HOW COULD I? I
DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!

- WHAT DID THE GUY WANT?
- HE WAS LOOKING FOR SOME GUY

HE THOUGHT LIVED
IN THIS BUILDING.

HE WANTED TO GIVE HIM A MESSAGE.

- WHAT WAS THE MESSAGE?
- "REST IN PEACE."

I'D HATE TO BE IN DAVID
MILLER'S SHOES RIGHT NOW.

- WHO?
- DAVID MILLER!

- THE MAN HE
WAS LOOKING FOR!
- WHERE DID THAT GUY GO?

I DON'T KNOW, I THINK
HE WAS HUNGRY.

HE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT
GOING TO A RESTAURANT.

OH, MY GOD, MR. FURLEY, WE HAVE TO
GET DOWN TO ANGELINO'S RIGHT AWAY!

NOT ME, I'M NOT
BUDGING FROM THIS SPOT!

WHAT IF THAT
GANGSTER COMES BACK?

I WON'T BE HERE, I'LL
BE RIGHT WITH YOU!

MY PURSE!

MR. FURLEY... MR. FURLEY!

LET GO!

HE'S LOCKED US IN!

- OH, WAITER?
- YES, MR. MILLER?

A LITTLE GREEN
FOR THE NAVY BEAN.

THAT'S KITCHEN COMEDY,
IT'S JUST... CARRY ON.

( whistles )

LET'S SEE... SPRINKLE
WITH TARRAGON.

MILLER!

- YOU ARE DOING GREAT!
- I AM?

YEAH, JASON DEVEREAUX TOLD
ME HE JUST LOVES YOUR SOUP.

HE DOES... WELL, OF
COURSE I KNEW HE WOULD.

WHAT'S A PIECE OF PAPER
DOING IN THIS CHICKEN?

OH, THAT, UH, WHOA, THAT, UH...

THAT'S A SPECIAL DISH OF MINE,

IT'S CHINESE, IT'S CALLED
"FORTUNE CHICKEN."

I NEVER MET A GREAT
CHEF WHO WASN'T CRAZY.

THIS SALMON MOUSSE, MR. MILLER.

AH.

ONE SALMON COMING
RIGHT UP STREAM.

( laughs )

HOW'S THE SALAD COMING, FELIPE?

VERY WELL! GRACIAS, SENOR.

AND MAY I SAY WHAT
A PLEASURE IT IS

TO WORK ALONG SIDE
THE GREAT DAVID MILLER.

THANK YOU, FELIPE.

NO, THANK YOU, SENOR.

SIX YEARS.

SIX YEARS I WORK
IN THIS KITCHEN,

I START OUT A DISHWASHER,

BUT I WATCH, I LEARN, I SLAVE,

WAITING FOR THE CHANCE
TO BECOME A CHEF.

AND ALONG COMES THIS GRINGO

AND STEALS MY JOB!

( laughs )

FELIPE, IS THERE
SOMETHING THE MATTER?

HEY, EVERYTHING IS WONDERFUL,

YOUR GREATNESS, YES!

IT'S ALL RIGHT. I
AM A PATIENT MAN.

I WAIT MY CHANCE.

AFTER ALL, HE
CANNOT LIVE FOREVER.

( chuckles )

YOU DAVID MILLER?

YES, SIR, THAT'S ME.

LEFTY DON'T LIKE NO CHUMPS THAT
DON'T PAY OFF THEIR GAMBLING DEBTS.

LEFTY, GAM... I THINK
YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG GUY.

JUST COUGH UP THE $200.

$200, I DON'T HAVE $200.

OH, THAT IS A SHAME.
WHY DON'T WE SIT DOWN...

AND TALK ABOUT THIS?

WHOA, WHOO!

WELL, IT, UH...

- IT IS A LITTLE DAMP.
- WHY DON'T WE TRY
THE STOVE?

NO, THIS IS FINE.
I LIKE IT HERE.

THIS IS NICE.

I REALLY HATE TO DO THIS.

- DON'T LOOK.
- DO WHAT?

IT'LL BE A SURPRISE.

HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

YOUR CHEF LIKES TO PLAY THE PONIES
BUT HE DON'T LIKE TO PAY THE PRICE.

MR. ANGELINO,
DON'T LISTEN TO HIM.

LISTEN TO HIM, LISTEN TO HIM!

HOW MUCH DOES HE OWE YOU?

- 200.
- 200, HUH?

ALL RIGHT, HERE YOU GO,
NOW, GET OUT OF HERE.

IT'S A PLEASURE DOING
BUSINESS WITH YOU.

HEY, HAVE A NICE DAY.

WHEW, MR. ANGELINO, I REALLY
APPRECIATE THAT. THANKS A LOT.

CRAZY CHEFS. OH,
I FORGOT TELL YOU.

ONE OF OUR CUSTOMERS
WOULD LIKE TO MEET YOU.

- I'VE GOT A LOT TO DO.
- IT'S GOOD PUBLIC RELATIONS.

- I'M VERY BUSY.
- SHE'S VERY ATTRACTIVE.

SEND HER IN.

WHEW!

MERCY.

- HELLO.
- HELLO.

ARE YOU DAVID MILLER?

THE ONE AND ONLY.

I'VE BEEN LOOKING
FORWARD TO THIS MOMENT.

- HAI!
- ( groans )

HAI!

THAT'S FOR MY KID SISTER.

WHAT DID SHE ORDER?

DON'T YOU PLAY DUMB WITH ME.

WHAT ARE YOU TALK... HEY!

WHO'S YOUR SISTER?

YOU MEAN, YOU DON'T
EVEN REMEMBER HER NAME?

WAIT, WAIT!

OLE!

AND DON'T EVER GET
NEAR MY SISTER AGAIN.

YOU CAN COUNT ON
IT. WE'RE THROUGH.

( giggles )

WHY DIDN'T YOU HELP?

SHE DIDN'T NEED NO HELP.

A PARTY OF EIGHT JUST CAME
IN, ALL ORDERING STEAKS.

FELIPE, GIVE ME A
HAND IN THE FREEZER.

OH, YES, YES, YES.

FURLEY... JACK, YOU'VE
GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE.

- THERE'S A GANGSTER
LOOKING FOR YOU.
- SHE ALREADY FOUND ME.

I'M SERIOUS. YOUR
LIFE'S IN DANGER.

IT'S COLD IN HERE!

- JANET'S RIGHT... THAT GUY
WAS A REAL TOUGH HOMBRE.
- AND HE WAS LOOKING FOR ME?

- NO, BUT HE WAS LOOKING
FOR DAVID MILLER.
- THAT'S CLOSE ENOUGH.

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
NO JOB IS WORTH THIS.

YOU! YOU DAVID MILLER?

- NO, NO...
- NO, DAVID MILLER
WENT OUT FOR A BITE.

OH, WELL, I'LL WAIT FOR HIM.

I'M GONNA KILL HIM.

I'LL KILL HIM!

- THERE YOU ARE!
- NO, I'M NOT.

- I'M JASON DEVEREAUX.
- THE FOOD CRITIC?

RIGHT. I JUST WANT TO CONGRATULATE
YOU ON A WONDERFUL SALMON MOUSSE!

- WELL, THANK YOU!
- IT'S EVEN BETTER THAN
YOUR POULET POCHE.

- YOU THINK SO?
- LET'S GO.

JANET, I'M BUSY. GO ON.

IN FACT, I'M GONNA GIVE
YOU A FANTASTIC REVIEW.

JUST MAKE SURE YOU
SPELL MY NAME RIGHT.

HOW COULD I MISSPELL "MILLER"?

- YOU ARE HIM!
- WAIT!

- YOU LIED TO ME!
- JUST A MINUTE!

THIS MAN IS A
FRIEND OF MINE, AND...

AND WHAT?!

AND, I GOT A LOT OF FRIENDS.

BACK OFF, BACK
OFF! FREEZE, MILLER!

STOP IT! THIS IS NOT
DAVID MILLER, OFFICERS.

I CAN TELL YOU THAT
BECAUSE I'M HIS ROOMMATE.

HI, EVERYBODY!

I'D LIKE TO GIVE MY
COMPLEMENTS TO THE CHEF.

- WHO'S SHE?
- HIS OTHER ROOMMATE.

YOU'RE LIVING WITH TWO GIRLS?
THAT PROVES THAT YOU'RE MILLER!

CINDY, WILL YOU TELL
THESE PEOPLE WHO I AM?

SURE! HE'S DAVID MILLER.

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.

THERE'S YOUR
HUSBAND, MRS. MILLER.

HE'S NOT DAVID MILLER. I
WOULDN'T MARRY A JERK LIKE THAT.

- OH, BLESS YOU.
- HOW DARE YOU IMPERSONATE
SUCH A WONDERFUL PERSON?

WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE
WE MADE A MISTAKE.

SORRY, PAL.

I THINK I'LL GO HOME
AND FEED MY WIFE'S BIRD...

TO MY CAT.

- ECH!
- YOU KNOW, WE HAVEN'T
BEEN SERVED YET.

HOW DO YOU GET A
WAITER AROUND HERE?

( screams )

THAT'S ONE WAY.

- ( banging on door )
- WHAT'S THAT?

I DON'T KNOW, BUT IT SOUNDS
LIKE IT'S COMING FROM IN THERE.

THE FREEZER, OH NO!

MR. ANGELINO!

F-FF... F-F...
- FREEZING?
- F-FIRED!

B-B-BUENO!

NOW I GET MY CHA-CH-CHANCE!

F-F-F...
- FELIPE!
- FORGET IT!

IS IT TOO LATE TO ASK
FOR A SECOND CHANCE?

REALLY, MR. ANGELINO,
IT WASN'T HIS FAULT.

NO, I'VE HAD IT
WITH CRAZY CHEFS.

THEY'RE NOT WORTH IT.

I'M GONNA HIRE ME SOME KID
OUT OF A COOKING SCHOOL.

YOU'RE GONNA WHAT?

HERE'S ONE. TRIPPER,
JACK TRIPPER.

I'LL HIRE HIM!

WELL, AT LEAST IT PROVED
THAT I'M GOOD ENOUGH TO WORK

IN A TOP-RATED RESTAURANT.

BUT YOU COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED.

YEAH, THAT WAS A STUPID IDEA,

USING SOMEBODY ELSE'S NAME.

OH, I DON'T KNOW. A LOT OF
GREAT MEN HAVE DONE THAT.

REALLY? LIKE WHO?

LIKE ME.

I REMEMBER ONE
TIME MANY YEARS AGO,

I WAS TALKING TO THIS CHICK.

AND SOMEHOW I HAPPENED TO
TELL HER THAT I WAS ERROL FLYNN.

- AND SHE BELIEVED YOU?
- SURE, I HAD A MOUSTACHE THEN.

- YOU'RE PUTTING US ON.
- NO, I'M NOT, NO.

SHE FELL FOR IT
HOOK, LINE, AND SINKER.

I WAS DOING GREAT, SHE
WAS PRACTICALLY PANTING.

BUT THEN I WENT TOO
FAST, TOO FAR, TO SOON,

I SAID SOMETHING JUST
A LITTLE TOO RISQUE.

- AND WHAT HAPPENED?
- SHE HUNG UP ON ME.

( theme music playing )

John Ritter: THREE'S COMPANY WAS
VIDEOTAPED IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.

( theme music playing )