Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 5, Episode 4 - Downhill Chaser - full transcript

Jack pretends to be an expert skier to impress his new girlfriend.

( theme song playing )

♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪

♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪

♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE
HERS AND HERS AND HIS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪

♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪

♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪

♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪



♪ WE'VE A LOVEABLE SPACE
THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THREE IS COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THREE IS COMPANY TOO. ♪

THANK YOU.

- HIYA, JANET.
- HI, LAR.

ARE WE ALL SET FOR THIS WEEKEND?

YEAH, JACK'S MAKING RESERVATIONS
FOR CATALINA. IS THAT OKAY?

CATALINA? SOUNDS GREAT!

YEAH? GOOD. TAKE A
LOOK AT THIS. CHECK IT OUT.



HEY, JACKO, WE ALL
SET FOR THIS WEEKEND?

GUYS, I'M AFRAID I
CAN'T MAKE IT AFTER ALL.

WHAT? COME ON, YOU HAVE TO.

YEAH, NOW, WITH CHRISSY
AWAY AND YOU NOT GOING,

HOW MUCH FUN CAN
JANET AND I HAVE ALONE?

- NONE.
- I WAS JUST CHECKING.

LISTEN, I REALLY HATE CANCELING
OUT ON YOU GUYS AT THE LAST SECOND,

BUT SOMETHING REALLY
IMPORTANT'S COME UP.

YOU'VE MET A GIRL.

JANET... I DIDN'T MEET A GIRL.

I MET A GODDESS!

BIG DEAL, JACK. YOU'RE
ALWAYS MEETI" GODDESSES.

IS IT MY FAULT IF I
ATTRACT THE TYPE?

C'EST SI BON. ( snaps fingers )

SIT.

JACK, HOW CAN YOU DO THAT?

HOW CAN YOU DESERT YOUR
FRIENDS FOR A STRANGER?

LISTEN, JANET, WE MAY HAVE
JUST MET, BUT INGA AND I HAVE

A LOT IN COMMON, A LOT.

- INGA?
- THAT'S HER NAME.

AND WHAT IS IT THAT YOU
AND INGA HAVE IN COMMON?

WELL, FOR ONE THING, SHE
HAPPENS TO BE A CHAMPION SKIER.

SO WHAT? YOU CAN'T SKI.

YEAH, BUT I LIKE TO
PLAY IN THE SNOW.

OH, JACK...

BESIDES, FOR SOME REASON,
SHE THINKS I'M A GREAT SKIER.

AND WHY WOULD SHE THINK THAT?

BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT
I TOLD HER. ( laughing )

OH, THAT FIGURES.
SUCH A BIG PHONY.

- JANET...
- UNO MOMENTO, HUH?

BEFORE WE PASS
JUDGMENT ON THE MAN,

DON'T YOU THINK WE SHOULD
SEE ALL THE EVIDENCE FIRST?

LARRY... HI, JACK. AM I LATE?

I VOTE FOR ACQUITTAL.

HEY, AREN'T YOU
GONNA INTRODUCE US?

- NO.
- THAT'S FUNNY, JACK. THAT'S VERY FUNNY.

- DID YOU MAKE A JOKE?
- YES, I DID.

YOU KNOW, INGA, I'VE ALWAYS SAID
THAT HUMOR IS AS ESSENTIAL TO A SKIER

AS HIS POLE IS TO HIS BOOTS.

YEAH, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

I GUESS THAT'S WHY SKIERS ARE THE
ONLY MEN THAT REALLY TURN ME ON.

TO SKI IS TO LIVE.

TO LISTEN TO THIS
IS TO GET SICK.

LOOK AT HIM, LARRY. HE
SAYS IT WITH A STRAIGHT FACE.

YEAH, I TAUGHT HIM SO WELL.

JACK, JUST HEARING YOU
TALK MAKES ME TINGLE.

WELL, I LOVE TO MAKE A
GIRL TINGLE, INGLE. INGA.

OH, JACK, I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT.

YOU DO?

YES, IT'S WRITTEN
ALL OVER YOUR FACE.

WELL, I DIDN'T REALLY MEAN...

COME AWAY WITH ME THIS WEEKEND,
AND I PROMISE YOU WON'T BE DISAPPOINTED.

OH, I CAN HARDLY WAIT...
JUST YOU AND I, TOGETHER.

I'LL SHOW YOU SOMETHING
THAT'LL REALLY TURN YOU ON.

( laughs )

I CAN HARDLY WAIT TO DO THE
FLYING DUTCHMAN WITH YOU.

- THAT IS, IF YOU'RE UP TO IT.
- OH, I AM, I AM!

THE FLYING DUTCHMAN...
WHAT'S THE FLYING DUTCHMAN?

IT'S THE SKI RUN AT
MY PARENTS' RESORT.

SKI RUN?

IT'LL BE FANTASTIC, UP AT 6:00 IN THE
MORNING AND SHOOTING DOWN THE MOUNTAIN.

SKI RUN?

I CAN'T WAIT FOR
THOSE BIG MOUTHS

TO SEE A REAL SKIER.

OH, YEAH, WE'LL SHOW 'EM.

OH, INGA, I JUST REMEMBERED.

I PROMISED TO SPEND THE
WEEKEND WITH MY FRIENDS.

WHAT FRIENDS?

INGA, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET
TWO OF MY VERY BEST FRIENDS.

- THIS IS JANET AND LARRY. THIS IS INGA.
- HELLO.

- HOW DO YOU DO?
- I COULDN'T DISAPPOINT THEM.

I HAVE AN IDEA: IS THERE ANY
REASON WHY YOUR FRIENDS

CAN'T COME SKIING
WITH US THIS WEEKEND?

- YES.
- NO!

YES! I WOULDN'T WANT
TO SPOIL YOUR PLANS.

JACK, IT'S THE LEAST THAT WE
CAN DO FOR A FRIEND LIKE YOU.

WE WOULD LOVE TO SEE YOU
ON SKIS FOR THE WEEKEND.

GOOD, THEN IT'S ALL SETTLED.

I DON'T KNOW. I'M
REALLY NOT INTO SKIING.

- THANK YOU, LARRY.
- YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE.

LATELY, IT SEEMS LIKE
MOST OF THE GUESTS

UP AT THE LODGE ARE NOTHING
BUT SEX-STARVED SKI BUNNIES.

I WONDER IF I'LL HAVE TIME TO
BUY SOME CARROTS ON THE WAY UP?

THE FLYING DUTCHMAN?

JACK... ( gasps ) SORRY.

JACK, IS SOMETHING THE
MATTER? YOU SEEM SO TENSE.

NO, NO, NOT AT
ALL. NOT AT... UH...

WELL, YEAH, MAYBE I AM A LITTLE
TENSE AROUND THE NECK AREA.

ARE YOUR FRIENDS HERE YET?

NO.

I HOPE THEY GET HERE SOON. I
DON'T WANNA MISS THE LAST SKI LIFT.

SKI L... YOU KNOW SOMETHING,
INGA, IT'S SO COLD OUTSIDE,

YOU KNOW, AND IT'S
SO WARM IN HERE.

BRR!

MR. FURLEY!

- JACK, IT'S YOU!
- WHAT'RE YOU DOING HERE?

WELL, LARRY COULDN'T
GET HIS CAR STARTED,

AND THEN WHEN HE GAVE ME THE
LOWDOWN ON SOME OF THE ACTION UP HERE...

YOU KNOW, I... HEY, HOLD IT.

I THINK I'VE JUST DRAWN
A BEAD ON A BUNNY.

HEY, THERE, WHAT DO YOU SAY, YOU AND
I GET TOGETHER AND MELT SOME SNOW?

INGA, INGA, THIS IS MY
LANDLORD, MR. FURLEY.

INGA?

( stammers ) SHE'S
MY SKI INSTRUCTOR.

I WAS JUST CHECKING
OUT THE SLOPES.

THEY LOOK JUST FINE TO ME.

( laughs ) A LITTLE STRAIGHT
HUMOR, THERE, JACK.

YOU PROBABLY WOULDN'T GET THAT.

I THINK I'LL GO CHECK ON
A ROOM FOR YOUR FRIEND.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

( grunting )

OH, HERE...

HI. HEY, MR. FURLEY,
HOW ABOUT SOME HELP?

NO, THANKS, I THINK I
CAN HANDLE HER ALONE.

JACK, WHEN'RE YOU
GONNA START SKIING?

WHAT MAKES YOU
THINK I HAVEN'T ALREADY?

WELL, YOU'RE STILL IN ONE PIECE.

JUST GIVE OL' LAR ONE SECOND. HE'LL
SHOW YOU WHERE THE REAL ACTION IS.

WHAT ACTION, LARRY?

DARLIN', IN THE OLYMPICS OF
LOVE, THE FIREPLACE EVENT

IS THE ONLY ACTION THAT COUNTS.

OBSERVE. TA-DA!

ALL RIGHT. WANNA
GIVE THAT A TUG?

THANK YOU. ( whistling )

LARRY, I DON'T BELIEVE
YOU. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

THAT IS THE OLDEST AND
DUMBEST TRICK IN THE BOOK.

REALLY, LARRY, AREN'T YOU
EMBARRASSED TO STOOP SO LOW?

AREN'T YOU ASHAMED
AT BEING SO DISHONEST?

OH, YOU POOR BABY.
WHAT HAPPENED?

JUST ONE SECOND, I'D LIKE TO
ANSWER MY FRIEND'S QUESTION FIRST.

NO.

WELL, I WAS CAREENING
DOWN A MOUNTAIN,

AND THIS POOR, LITTLE
SQUIRREL CROSSED MY PATH.

TINY, LITTLE.

OH, JANET, WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

I MEAN, WHEN INGA SEES
THAT I'M A KLUTZ ON SKIS,

SHE'LL THINK I'M A BIGGER PHONY
THAN LARRY, IF THAT'S POSSIBLE.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST
TELL HER THE TRUTH?

AND GIVE HER THE
IMPRESSION THAT I CAN'T SKI?

HEY, THAT'S BETTER THAN
BREAKING YOUR NECK.

JANET, YOU KNOW, I'VE
BEEN ON SKIS BEFORE.

ONCE, JACK, ONCE, AND EVEN THEN
YOU DIDN'T MAKE IT DOWN THE RUN.

WELL, THAT WAS A TREACHEROUS
MOUNTAIN. WHAT WAS THAT CALLED? THE...

THE KIDDIE SLOPE.

( grunts ) OH, HOW BAD CAN
THE FLYING DUTCHMAN BE?

WELL, HERE'S A PICTURE OF IT, AND IT
REALLY DOESN'T LOOK ALL THAT BAD.

- IT DOESN'T?
- NO.

LOOK, YOU START OFF HERE
WITH ABOUT A 45-DEGREE SLOPE.

FORTY-FIVE DEGREES?

MM-HMM, THEN YOU
GET TO THE STEEP PART.

( gasps )

- BOY, THAT'S WHERE YOU REALLY
BEGIN PICKIN' UP SPEED.
- SPEED?

- MM-HMM, BUT NOT
FOR TOO LONG, THOUGH.
- OH, GOOD.

'CAUSE IF YOU DON'T SLOW DOWN,
YOU'RE NOT GONNA MAKE THIS HAIRPIN TURN.

- HAIRPIN TURN?
- THE HAIRIEST.

WHAT HAPPENS IF I DON'T MAKE IT?

- YOU GET A BREATHER
FOR A COUPLE OF SECONDS.
- THEN WHAT?

WELL, LET'S SEE: YOU HIT INTERSTATE
40 ABOUT 100 MILES AN HOUR.

WHAT?!

- BOY, JACK, YOU ARE
GONNA BE IN BIG TROUBLE!
- I KNOW.

THAT'S A 55 MILE AN HOUR ZONE.

JANET, I CAN'T DO
THIS. I'LL KILL MYSELF.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT, DOES THIS MEAN
YOU WILL TELL HER YOU CAN'T SKI?

- YOU GOT IT.
- OKAY.

- OH, JACK.
- INGA, I'M SORRY, I GOT
SOME BAD NEWS FOR YOU.

- YES?
- I CAN'T GO DOWN THAT MOUNTAIN.

I KNOW THAT. I JUST GOT A REPORT
ON THE WEATHER CONDITIONS.

THE FLYING DUTCHMAN IS CLOSED.

THEY DON'T HAVE
ENOUGH SNOW UP THERE,

AND THEY'RE NOT EXPECTING ANY.

NOT ENOUGH SNOW?!

OH, WHAT A DRAG!

I WAS LOOKING
FORWARD TO IT SO MUCH.

YOU KNOW, THE EXCITEMENT AND
DANGER. HOW COULD NATURE DO THIS TO ME?

I MEAN THIS, QUITE FRANKLY.

I CAME HERE TO SKI, NOT
SIT AROUND BY A FIREPLACE.

JACK... NOT NOW, JANET.

YOU KNOW, I WOULD GIVE
ANYTHING TO GO DOWN THAT RUN.

ANYTHING... ARE YOU SURE THERE'S
NOT ENOUGH SNOW OUT THERE?

( gasps ) JACK!

I KNOW YOU'RE
DISAPPOINTED, BUT BELIEVE ME,

YOUR DISAPPOINTMENT IS
NOTHING COMPARED TO MINE.

I'D GIVE ANYTHING TO BE ABLE
TO GO DOWN THAT RUN, ANYTHING!

IF ONLY IT WOULD SNOW!

GOOD, THIS IS PERFECT FOR MY SKI
LESSON, JANET. NOBODY'S AROUND.

WHAT DO YOU EXPECT,
JACK? IT'S 5:00 IN THE MORNING.

LOOK, I'M MEETING INGA AT 9:00. I JUST
WANT YOU TO SHOW ME A FEW POINTERS.

I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE I'M A BEGINNER.
I HAVE BEEN ON SKIS BEFORE.

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, LET'S
GO OUTSIDE AND PRACTICE.

ON THE SNOW? IT'S SO SLIPPERY.

OH, MY...

LOOK, I JUST WANT YOU TO SHOW ME
HOW TO KEEP FROM BREAKING MY NECK.

OKAY, JACK, I WILL.
REPEAT AFTER ME.

- "I... CAN'T... SKI."
- "I... CAN'T... SKI."

JANET, COME ON!

ALL RIGHT, WE'D BETTER
START AT THE VERY BEGINNING.

GOOD, OKAY. WHAT DO I NEED TO...

JACK, WHAT'RE YOU DOING?
YOU'RE NOT EVEN ON SKIS YET!

- I'M JUST NERVOUS.
- ALL RIGHT.

NOW WE'LL START REALLY BASIC,
JACK, RIGHT AT THE BEGINNING, OKAY?

TAKE YOUR LITTLE FOOTSIE
AND PUT IT ON THE LONG STICK.

WOULD YOU CUT THAT OUT,
JANET? I KNOW HOW TO PUT ON SKIS.

AND ONCE I DO, IT'LL
ALL COME BACK TO ME.

JUST KICK YOUR BOOT
INTO THE BINDING LIKE...

IT IS COMING BACK TO YOU, JACK.
IT'S ALL COMING BACK TO YOU.

THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT
YOU DID THE LAST TIME.

- OKAY, LIKE THIS...
- CLICK YOUR BINDING, YEAH.

- ALL RIGHT... ( groans )
- YEAH.

GET IT OFF.

OH, JACK, MAYBE YOU
SHOULD TAKE THE SCARF OFF.

GET IT OFF.

YEAH, LET'S GET IT OFF.
LET'S GET THE SCARF OFF.

OKAY, THIS BOOT GOES INTO HERE.

YES, AND I'LL TAKE CARE
OF THAT BINDING, READY?

- YEAH, OKAY. PUT YOUR FOOT HERE. YES.
- GOT IT? GOT IT?

- YES, YOU'RE IN.
- PERFECT, NOW... JANET, JANET!

- JACK!
- IS MY LEG BROKEN?

- NO, YOU'RE FINE.
- LOOK!

YOU'RE PERFECTLY FINE, AND IT'S A
GOOD THING THIS HAPPENED, ACTUALLY.

COME ON, YOU CAN
LEARN HOW TO GET UP.

- WHAT?
- TAKE THIS,
PUT IT UNDER YOUR ARM.

BEND YOUR ARM. PUT
YOUR HANDS LIKE SO,

AND THEN PUSH YOURSELF UP.

YEAH, I'VE SEEN THIS BEFORE.

OKAY, READY? AND
PUSH YOURSELF UP.

LOOK AT YOU! ALL RIGHT.

I TOLD YOU I'D BE OKAY
ONCE I GOT MY SKI LEGS.

OKAY, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO KNOW
HOW TO TURN AROUND OUT THERE.

LET US START WITH
A KICK TURN, OKAY?

- KICK TURN?
- KICK TURN.

TAKE THIS SKI AND PUT IT
PERPENDICULAR TO THE FLOOR.

PERPENDIC... VERY
GOOD, VERY GOOD.

OKAY, NOW, ALL YOU HAVE
TO DO IS LET THIS SKI FALL

AND POINT IN THAT
DIRECTION. JUST LET IT FALL.

- IS THAT POSSIBLE?
- YES.

JUST LET 'ER FALL.
HEY, ALL RIGHT!

HEY, LOOK HOW GOOD YOU LOOK!

OW!

ALL RIGHT, JACK, NOW ALL YOU
HAVE TO DO IS TAKE THE OTHER SKI,

AND SWING IT AROUND, JACK,
AND GET IT PARALLEL TO THIS ONE.

- OKAY, GET OUT OF THE WAY.
- MOVE YOUR POLE AND JUST
SWING IT AROUND.

- OKAY.
- SWING IT RIGHT... OH!

THERE? WHAT DO I DO?

I'M GONNA SLIDE THIS ONE BACK.
JUST LET ME SLIDE THIS ONE BACK.

THAT'S IT, JACK. DON'T
BE SCARED OR ANYTHING.

OKAY. JANET, JANET, MY LEG!

MY LEG DOESN'T GO LIKE THAT!

JANET, SOMETHING
BAD IS HAPPENING.

OKAY, JACK, WHY DON'T
WE TRY SOMETHING SIMPLE?

GET IN YOUR TUCK.

- MY TUCK?
- YEAH.

I THOUGHT I'D JUST DRESS CASUAL.

( laughs ) SEE,
"DRESS CASUAL"...

THIS IS YOUR TUCK.

- YEAH, OKAY. YEAH.
- OKAY?

THE WHOLE IDEA IN SKIING, JACK, IS TO KEEP
YOUR WEIGHT OVER YOUR SKIS, ALL RIGHT?

AND TO KEEP YOUR SHOULDERS
IN LINE WITH YOUR HIPS, LIKE SO.

- OKAY.
- 'KAY?

- THIS DOESN'T HURT, JACK.
- I'M FINE.

OKAY, NOW FLEX IN THE KNEES. OKAY,
NOW BOUNCE UP AND DOWN A LITTLE.

YOU FEEL THAT? THAT'S
HOW YOU ABSORB THE SHOCK.

GOING DOWN THE MOUNTAIN, OKAY?

( imitates swooshing )

NOW, YOU ARE GOING DOWN
THE MOUNTAIN, AND WE HIT A RUT.

AND WE FLEX AND
TAKE UP THE SHOCK.

YEAH, OKAY. THAT'S
NOT BAD, JACK, REALLY.

- THANKS, THANKS.
- GOOD FOR YOU. NOW LEAN FORWARD.

NOW CROUCH. NOW FLEX.

- NOW CROW LIKE A ROOSTER.
- ( crows )

I HOPE YOU DON'T GO EVERYWHERE IN
THOSE. MUST BE MURDER IN ELEVATORS.

- HEY, LARRY...
- WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

JUST GIVE IT UP,
JACK. JUST FORGET IT.

ALL RIGHT, LARRY. WHAT
HAPPENED TO YOUR CAST?

I GOT RID OF IT. YOU WERE RIGHT.

IT WAS STUPID. IT'S BENEATH ME.

I ASKED MYSELF, WHAT KIND OF
GUY WOULD BE DESPERATE ENOUGH

TO PUT A CAST ON HIS LEG
JUST TO PICK UP A CHICK?

OH, LARRY...

- I COULDN'T SAY NO.
- HERE'S YOUR $30, LARRY.

THIS IS AN INVESTMENT
YOU WON'T REGRET, MR. F.

( groans )

OOH, YOU POOR DEAR.

I'M A MASSEUSE HERE.

WHY DON'T YOU LET ME
GIVE YOU A NICE RUBDOWN?

( knuckles crack )

- UH, I DON'T THINK SO.
- YOU'RE ADORABLE.

AH! LOOK, I'M HEALED!
IT'S A MIRACLE!

QUICK, HELP!

WELL, MY WORK IS
DONE. EXCUSE ME.

- JANET, COME ON, COME OVER
HERE. WHERE WERE WE?
- WHAT? WHAT?

JACK, PLEASE, LOOK, PLEASE,
WILL YOU JUST FORGET IT?

JUST FACE THE FACT THAT YOU
CANNOT LEARN TO SKI BY 9:00.

MAYBE I WON'T HAVE TO.

OH, HURRY UP, BEFORE
THE LINES GET TOO LONG.

( loud whisper ) PSST!
JACK! OVER HERE!

- MR. FURLEY?
- SHH!

WHAT'RE YOU DOING?

I'M HIDING FROM THAT
MUSCLE MECHANIC.

SHE WANTS TO
REALIGN MY FRONT END!

I HOPE YOU HAVE BETTER
LUCK WITH THAT CAST THAN I DID.

- Masseuse: OH, RALPH!
- Jack: MR. FURLEY...

NO TIME TO TALK, JACK: THE
HUNTER IS BECOMING THE HUNTED!

RALPH, YOU CAN'T HIDE FROM
ME, YOU LITTLE DEVIL, YOU!

I'LL GET YOU!

( Furley whimpers )

( chatting )

JACK, YOU WERE SUPPOSED
TO MEET ME AT THE SKI LIFT...

( gasps ) WHAT HAPPENED?

I DIDN'T WANT YOU
TO SEE THIS, INGA.

I'M SO MAD AT MYSELF.
IT WAS SO STUPID!

I WAS TRYING TO WARM UP,
DOING BACK FLIPS IN MY SKIS.

Inga: OH, IT MUST'VE HURT!

OH, NO... ( grimaces )

JACK, MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO
TO YOUR ROOM AND LIE DOWN.

NO, INGA, I'M FINE. ( whimpers )

OH, JACK, WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

BED, MAYBE YOU
SHOULD GET ME TO BED.

OKAY, HERE,
JUST LIFT ME, IT'S...

OH! OH! JACK! WHAT'S SO FUNNY?

WELL, IT'S JUST...
JACK IS FUNNY,

DOING THAT OLD
FAKE-BROKEN-LEG BIT,

DOES IT ALL THE TIME.

- HE DOES?
- I DO, I DO.

YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN THE SHOW
AT SQUAW VALLEY LAST MONTH.

IT WAS G... OF COURSE, I HAD A
TERRIFIC CAST, GET IT? ( laughs )

WELL, JACK, ARE YOU READY?

OH, INGA, I AM ALWAYS READY.

( giggles ) GOOD,
LET'S HIT THE SLOPES.

- SLOPES?
- YES.

WELL, I GOTTA WAX MY SKIS.

THAT'S OKAY, I ALREADY DID IT.

OH, WELL, I DON'T
HAVE MY OTHER BOOT.

I'M SORRY, I DON'T
THINK... I HATE YOU.

( chatting )

OH, HI.

OH, THAT DOESN'T LOOK SO BAD.

OH, MY GOD!

NOW ARE YOU GONNA TELL HER
THAT YOU CAN'T SKI? OH, GOOD.

OKAY, JACK, YOU READY TO GO?

OKAY, YOU GO AHEAD FIRST.

NO, NO, NO, AFTER YOU.

NO, ARE YOU KIDDING? I
WANNA FOLLOW YOU DOWN.

THAT WAY I CAN STUDY YOUR
FORM ON THE ICE PATCHES.

THAT'S... THAT'S WHERE IT'S
GONNA BE, ALL OVER THE ICE.

OKAY, JACK. GO AHEAD.

( both clear throats )

( clears throat ) OKAY.

( heavy breathing )

ALL RIGHT.

( grunts )

( blows )

JACK... ( yelps, yodels )

YODELING CLEARS
MY SINUSES... OH.

OKAY, I'M JUST GONNA PUT ALL
DISTRACTIONS OUT OF MY MIND.

I'M GONNA CONCENTRATE, AND
JANET, THANKS FOR EVERYTHING.

KEEP MY MEMORY ALIVE
TO CHRISSY, WON'T YOU?

- GOOD LUCK, JACK.
- Inga: OH, NO!

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

LOOK AT ALL THE SNOW. IT'S
GONNA RUIN OUR VISIBILITY.

OH, GREAT, NOW OUR
VISIBILITY IS RUINED.

OUR VISIBILITY'S RU... OH, NO!

OUR VISIBILITY'S RUINED!

I'M SORRY, JACK,

BUT WE JUST CAN'T RISK
SKIING IN THIS WEATHER.

IT'S JUST THAT I HAD
MY HEART SET ON IT!

I KNOW YOU DID,
BUT... BUT I PROMISE,

I'LL MAKE UP TO YOU BACK
AT THE LODGE, SOMEHOW.

WHY, JACK, DID YOU LUCK
OUT! CONGRATULATIONS.

THANKS, J... AAH!

- ( Jack screaming )
- OH, JACK!

OH.

LARRY, I'M REALLY WORRIED.

NOW RELAX, JANET.

THE SKI PATROL IS OUT
LOOKING FOR HIM NOW.

YEAH, BUT IT'S
GETTING DARK OUTSIDE.

LET'S LOOK ON THE
BRIGHT SIDE OF IT:

AT LEAST JACK'S AN
EXPERIENCED SKIER.

( whimpers )

- HEY, JANET, LOOK! THERE HE IS!
- OH, JACK!

OH, WHERE WERE YOU?
WE'VE BEEN WORRIED SICK.

WE THOUGHT YOU HAD AN ACCIDENT.

ME? OF COURSE NOT.

I JUST DECIDED TO TURN RIGHT AT THE
CLIFF HALFWAY DOWN THE MOUNTAIN.

( gasps ) YOU WENT
DOWN SUICIDE RUN?

IS THAT WHAT IT'S CALLED?

NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT, IT
WAS A LITTLE TRICKY, I'LL TELL YOU.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

YOU LOOK A LITTLE BLUE.

I'LL GET YOU SOME HOT CHOCOLATE.

JACK, YOU SKIED
DOWN THAT MOUNTAIN?

- WELL, I'M HERE, AREN'T I?
- LOOK AT YOU!

I KNOW, I'M GLAD
TO SEE YOU, TOO.

WELL, I'M SORRY WE HAVEN'T
FOUND YOUR FRIEND YET,

BUT WE DID FIND ONE OF HIS SKIS.

YEAH, THAT'S MINE,
OFFICER, YEAH.

IT... IT... IT SLIPPED OFF
MY FOOT HALFWAY DOWN.

YOU CAN'T BELIEVE
HOW HARD IT WAS,

GOING DOWN THAT
MOUNTAIN ON ONE SKI.

WHAT, YOU HAD THREE SKIS?

- THREE?
- YEAH, THE OTHER ONE
IS STILL IN A TREE.

WELL, THANK YOU FOR
A GOOD JOB, OFFICER.

UH, JACK, IS THERE
SOMETHING YOU WANNA TELL US?

- NO, NO, NOT REALLY.
- JACK?

WELL, I DIDN'T EXACTLY
SKI DOWN THE MOUNTAIN.

SEE, I SORTA GRABBED THIS TREE

AND KINDA ACTUALLY
CRAWLED DOWN. ( laughs )

OH, WELL, AT LEAST
YOU'RE ALL RIGHT.

BETTER THAN ALL RIGHT: INGA
THINKS I SKIED DOWN SUICIDE RUN!

- SHAME ON YOU.
- JACK, HERE'S SOMETHING
TO WARM YOU UP.

THANKS, AND I THINK THE HOT
CHOCOLATE WILL HELP, TOO.

IS THERE ANYTHING
ELSE I CAN DO FOR YOU?

YEAH, EXCUSE ME.

YOU KNOW, I WAS THINKING,
MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST SPEND

A QUIET EVENING UPSTAIRS,
WHAT DO YOU THINK?

OH, JACK, YOU MUST
BE READING MY MIND.

YOU KNOW, IF WE'RE GONNA SKI
DOWN SUICIDE RUN TOMORROW,

I'M GONNA NEED ALL
THE SLEEP I CAN GET.

- SEE YOU AT DAWN.
- MAMA!

SO, I FINALLY JUST
CAME OUT AND SAID,

"INGA, I CAN'T SKI."

GOOD FOR YOU, JACK.
WHAT DID SHE SAY?

- NOTHING.
- NOTHING?

NO, SHE'S NEVER
SPEAKING TO ME AGAIN.

OKAY.

- HI, MR. FURLEY.
- OH, HI, JACK.

( sighs )

SOMETHIN' THE MATTER?

OH, I'M HAVING
TROUBLE WITH A GIRL.

A GIRL?

NOT A REAL GIRL.
JANET, MY ROOMMATE.

WELL, I'LL TELL YOU THE SECRET
TO HANDLING WOMEN, JACK.

- YOU GOTTA BE FORCEFUL.
- FORCEFUL?

YEAH, TAKE LAST
NIGHT, FOR INSTANCE.

THAT MAN-HUNGRY MASSEUSE
FINALLY ACTUALLY GOT ME

DOWN ON HER TABLE AND TRIED
TO TWIST AND CRACK MY BONES.

WELL, I TOLD HER,
"JUST CUT IT OUT!"

I SAID, "I'M NOT GONNA
PLAY YOUR KINDA GAME.

AND WHEN IT COMES
TO THAT, YOUR NOT

NEAR ENOUGH WOMAN
FOR A MAN LIKE ME."

- HOW'D SHE TAKE IT?
- TERRIFIC.

THE DOCTOR SAYS I'LL BE WALKING
NORMAL IN A COUPLE WEEKS.

( theme music playing )

John Ritter: THREE'S COMPANY WAS
VIDEOTAPED IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.

( theme music playing )

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