Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 5, Episode 3 - A Hundred Dollars a What? - full transcript

Chrissy's high school friend turns out to be a high priced call girl.

( theme song playing )

♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪

♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪

♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE
HERS AND HERS AND HIS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪

♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪

♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪

♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪



♪ WE'VE A LOVEABLE SPACE
THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THREE IS COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THREE IS COMPANY TOO. ♪

- JANET?
- HMM?

DO YOU LIKE IT?

JACK.

OH, JACK, IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

WELL, HOW SWEET. BUT
WHAT'S THE OCCASION?

MY MOTHER'S BIRTHDAY.



OH, IT'S VERY NICE.

- OH, THANK YOU.
- MM-HMM.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU. I'M
GONNA GIVE IT TO HER TOMORROW.

WHAT, YOU'RE GONNA
GO DOWN TO SAN DIEGO?

YEAH, IF I CAN BORROW LARRY'S
CAR. YOU WANNA COME WITH ME?

OH, JACK, I WOULD LOVE TO, BUT
WHO'S GONNA WATCH THE SHOP?

- I'M SUPPOSED TO WORK.
- OH, THAT'S TOO BAD.

MY MOM THINKS THE ONLY GIRLS I
KNOW ARE EMPTY-HEADED PLAYMATES.

- WHAT MADE HER THINK THAT?
- WHEN SHE MET 'EM.

ANYWAY, SHE'S ALWAYS ON MY CASE

TO FORGET THE LOOKS
AND FIND A GIRL WITH BRAINS.

YOU SURE YOU CAN'T MAKE IT?

YOU ARE SKATING
ON THIN ICE, JACK.

JACK, JANET! YOU'LL NEVER
GUESS WHO I RAN INTO TODAY!

CHRISSY, YOU LEFT THE DOOR OPEN.

OH, THAT'S OKAY. MY FRIEND
DARLENE IS PAYING THE TAXICAB DRIVER.

YOU'LL NEVER GUESS
IT IN A MILLION YEARS!

YOUR FRIEND DARLENE?

HOW'D YOU GUESS?

WHO'S DARLENE?

YOU REMEMBER. I TOLD
YOU ALL ABOUT HER.

- I WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL
WITH HER IN FRESNO.
- YOU DID?

YEAH, REMEMBER THAT
GIRL I TOLD YOU ABOUT

WHO WAS ALWAYS SO MISERABLE 'CAUSE
SHE NEVER THOUGHT SHE'D GET ANYWHERE?

- THAT WAS DARLENE?
- NO, THAT WAS ME.

DARLENE IS THE ONE WHO TOLD ME I
HAD AS MUCH BRAINS AS ANYBODY ELSE,

AND I'D BETTER USE
THEM OR LOSE THEM.

SO WHAT'D YOU DO?

- Jack: EXCUSE ME.
- I LISTENED TO HER.

DARLENE WAS ALWAYS SO SMART, ALL THE
KIDS IN SCHOOL USED TO CALL HER EINSTEIN.

OH, THAT'S WONDERFUL.

- Janet: JACK.
- YEAH.

SHE WAS CAPTAIN OF
THE DEBATING TEAM

AND PRESIDENT OF THE HONORS
SOCIETY AND OUR CLASS VALEDICTORIAN.

GOSH, CHRISSY,
WHAT'D SHE DO FOR FUN?

SHE SANG IN THE CHURCH CHOIR.

SHE SANG IN THE CHURCH CHOIR.

WELL, I CAN'T WAIT
TO MEET THIS ONE.

WELL, YOU'RE GONNA
MEET HER REAL SOON

BECAUSE SHE'S GONNA
BE STAYING WITH US.

WHAT?

SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE
IN TOWN FOR A CONVENTION,

BUT THE HOTEL LOST
HER RESERVATION.

SO YOU INVITED MISS
EINSTEIN TO STAY HERE.

WELL, IT'S ONLY FOR A FEW DAYS.

CHRISSY, IT'S CROWDED ENOUGH
WITH JUST THE THREE OF US.

I DIDN'T THINK YOU'D MIND.

Janet: REALLY, JACK,
IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

SHE COULD SLEEP
HERE ON THE SOFA.

Chrissy: YEAH.

THE SOFA? I WON'T HEAR OF IT.

CHRISSY'S FRIEND
CAN STAY IN MY ROOM.

OH, HELLO. WHO'S THAT?

COME HERE, I WANT
YOU TO MEET MY FRIENDS.

- THIS IS JANET
AND THIS IS JACK.
- Janet: HELLO.

- HOW DO YOU DO?
- CHRISSY, CHRISSY, CHRISSY.

HOW COME YOU NEVER
TOLD US ABOUT DARLENE?

DON'T LISTEN TO HIM.

CHRISSY TALKS ABOUT YOU ALL THE TIME,
ESPECIALLY ABOUT HOW YOU HELPED HER.

- HAS SHE TOLD YOU
HOW SHE HELPED ME?
- NO.

IF IT WASN'T FOR CHRISSY, I NEVER
WOULD'VE GRADUATED WITH HONORS.

AS A MATTER OF FACT,
I PROBABLY NEVER

WOULD'VE CRACKED A BOOK
MY WHOLE SENIOR YEAR.

REALLY? WHAT DID SHE DO?

SHE STOLE ALL MY BOYFRIENDS.

COULD I HAVE MY HAND BACK?

I'M SORRY, I'M GETTING
SO FORGETFUL.

EXCUSE ME.

- I WARNED YOU ABOUT JACK.
- OH, COME ON, CHRISSY.

THAT'S NOT VERY NICE. DIDN'T I
OFFER TO LET DARLENE USE MY ROOM?

OH, NO, I COULDN'T ASK YOU TO DO
THAT, JACK. WHERE WOULD YOU SLEEP?

WELL, ACTUALLY, IT'S A RATHER
LARGE ROOM, SO I THOUGHT...

JACK.

I THOUGHT THAT I WOULD SLEEP ON
OUR FRIEND MR. SOFA RIGHT HERE.

RIGHT THERE.

EXCUSE ME, WHY DON'T I
GO STRAIGHTEN UP MY ROOM.

I MEAN, YOUR ROOM. EXCUSE ME.

SEE WHAT I MEAN?

YES, BUT YOU DON'T
HAVE TO WORRY,

HE'S REALLY QUITE HARMLESS.

YEAH, AND HE'S FUNNY. YOU SHOULD
SEE SOME OF THE TRICKS HE PULLS ON US.

YEAH.

ON SECOND THOUGHT, YOU'D
BETTER KEEP YOUR DOOR LOCKED.

- I'LL KEEP THAT IN MIND.
- Janet: MM-HMM.

- ISN'T SHE TERRIFIC?
- OH, CHRISSY, YOU'RE
THE ONE WHO'S TERRIFIC.

- WHY?
- WELL, I'LL TELL YOU.

IF I RAN INTO AN OLD HIGH-SCHOOL
FRIEND AND SHE WAS DRESSED LIKE THAT...

YOU KNOW, A GUCCI BAG,
ROMANO BOOTS, THE DIOR BLOUSE...

I WOULD BE GREEN WITH ENVY, AND
YOU'RE NOT THE SLIGHTEST BIT JEALOUS.

WHY, THAT'S SILLY? WHY
WOULD I BE JEALOUS?

IS THAT REALLY A GUCCI BAG?

( Jack laughing )

OH, NOW, YOU REMEMBER, DARLENE,

IF THERE'S ANYTHING YOU WANT, YOU
COME OUT HERE AND JUST WAKE ME UP.

AND I'M TALKING ANYTHING AT ALL.

JACK, YOU ARE VERY KIND.

KIND OF NAUSEATING.

IS, UM... IS THERE A TELEPHONE
HERE THAT I COULD USE?

YEAH, IT'S RIGHT OVER HERE.

OH, UH, IS THAT THE ONLY PHONE?

HOW MANY DO YOU NEED?

NO, SEE,

I THINK DARLENE MEANS
SHE'D LIKE A LITTLE PRIVACY.

- LET'S GO HEAT UP
SOME COFFEE.
- OH, OKAY.

DARLENE, I WILL GET
THE NUMBER FOR YOU.

I DON'T WANT YOU TO BRUISE
YOUR PRETTY LITTLE FINGERS.

OH. JACK?

IT'S PERSONAL.

OH, I'M SORRY. HERE YOU GO.

WHOOPS, HANG ON. LOW BRIDGE.

- WHOOP, OH.
- GOT IT?

YEAH, THANKS.

I'LL JUST, UH, PUT
YOUR SUITCASE IN MY...

SORRY.

HELLO, DORIS. HI, IT'S DARLENE.

I CAN BE REACHED AT 555-6350.

ARE THERE ANY CALLS?

WHO?

FRED JONES.

HOW COME ALL THE JOHNS
ARE ALWAYS NAMED "JONES"?

YEAH.

HOW MUCH?

ARE YOU KIDDING? LISTEN, DORIS.

YOU TELL HIM THAT IF HE
WANTS ME, MY PRICE IS $100.

YOU GOT IT? GREAT.

I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.

- ARE YOU FREE?
- WHAT?

I JUST, UH... JUST THOUGHT YOU MIGHT
LIKE TO GO DOWN TO THE REGAL BEAGLE.

- THE REGAL...
- IT'S OUR PUB.

NOW? I JUST GOT HERE.

HEY, YOU KNOW, THE BEST CURE
FOR JET LAG IS A LITTLE GLASS OF VINO.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW, JACK. I HAVEN'T
HAD A CHANCE TO TALK TO CHRISSY...

OH, YOU GUYS WILL HAVE
PLENTY OF TIME TOGETHER.

WE'LL BE BACK IN TEN, TWENTY
MINUTES. WHAT DO YOU SAY?

- WELL, I...
- GOOD.

HEY, HEY. WHERE YOU GOING?

UH, DARLENE WANTED
TO SEE THE REGAL BEAGLE.

- WELL, WHAT ABOUT US?
- YOU'VE SEEN IT LOTS OF TIMES.

SO THEN,

JANET AND CHRISSY ASKED
ME TO MOVE IN WITH THEM.

AND EXCEPT FOR A
FEW MINOR IRRITATIONS,

EVERYTHING'S WORKED
OUT PERFECTLY.

OH.

AND THERE'S, UM, NOTHING
GOING ON BETWEEN YOU?

NO, THAT'S ONE
OF THE IRRITATIONS.

SAY, DARLENE, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO
DRIVE DOWN TO SAN DIEGO WITH ME TOMORROW?

- SAN DIEGO?
- YEAH.

IT'S MY MOTHER'S BIRTHDAY,
AND I WAS WONDERING...

WE-HE-HE-HE-ELL...
- HELLO THERE.
- LARRY.

HI, I'M LARRY,

JACK'S BEST FRIEND,
HIS BUDDY AND HIS PAL.

- LARRY, GET LOST.
- SEE WHAT I MEAN?

DARLENE, THIS IS
NO FRIEND OF MINE.

DON'T LISTEN TO HIM, DARLING.

THAT'S DARLENE.

DARLENE? WHAT A LOVELY NAME.

WHATEVER DO YOU DO, DARLENE?

DON'T YOU THINK THAT'S
A TOUCH PERSONAL?

YOU'RE RIGHT. I'LL
WAIT UNTIL WE'RE ALONE.

HEY, LARRY, KNOCK IT OFF.

BARTENDER JUST TOLD
ME THIS TERRIFIC JOKE.

SEEMS THIS TRAVELING SALESMAN
STOPPED BY THIS FARMHOUSE...

LARRY, I DON'T THINK DARLENE
WANTS TO HEAR ANY OFF-COLOR JOKES.

GOTCHA. SEEMS THIS TRAVELING
MINISTER STOPPED BY THIS FARMHOUSE...

LARRY, WILL YOU KNOCK IT OFF?

IT'S ALL RIGHT, JACK. I HAVE TO BE GOING
ANYWAY. I'M EXPECTING A PHONE CALL.

AND NOT A MOMENT TOO SOON.
LISTEN, DARLENE, I'LL WALK YOU BACK.

OH, NO, JACK, STAY. I CAN
FIND MY WAY BACK, REALLY.

OKAY, UM, WHAT ABOUT
SAN DIEGO TOMORROW?

OH, UM, I'M GOING TO
HAVE TO LET YOU KNOW.

- OKAY.
- GOODBYE, LARRY.

NO, NOT GOODBYE.

UNTIL WE MEET
AGAIN, WITHOUT JACK.

AH!

- SERVES YOU RIGHT.
- SAN DIEGO, HUH?

- YOU SURE DO
MOVE FAST, PAL.
- LARRY...

HEY, LOOK, I KNOW THIS NICE, QUIET
RENDEZVOUS JUST OUTSIDE THE CITY...

WILL YOU COOL IT? SHE'S
NOT THAT KIND OF GIRL.

OH.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, SHE
USED TO SING IN A CHURCH CHOIR.

THAT'S NO PROBLEM, JACK. THIS
PLACE IS WAY OUT ON THE BEACH.

NO ONE WILL HEAR HER.

YEAH, AND ALL THROUGH HIGH
SCHOOL DARLENE HELPED ME

WITH MY ENGLISH AND MY
HISTORY AND MY ALGEBRA.

WELL, HOW NICE.

YEAH, WELL, I HELPED HER WITH
THE REALLY IMPORTANT THINGS.

YEAH, LIKE WHAT?

I TAUGHT HER HOW TO SAY NO.

( phone ringing )

CHRISSY!

CHRISSY?

HELLO?

FRED JONES?

HUH?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
WHAT DO YOU GET FOR $100?

HEY, IS THIS ONE OF THOSE
GAME-SHOW QUIZZES?

YEAH. HUH?

WELL, WHAT DO YOU
EXPECT FOR $100?

WHAT?

HEY!

HEY!

HEY!

LISTEN, FRED, YOU'RE A CREEP!

- I THINK THAT'S FOR ME.
- NO, UM...

HELLO, FRED?

UH, YES, THIS IS DARLENE.

NO, NO, THAT WAS A NEW GIRL.

FRED, FRED,

GIVE ME THE NUMBER
OF YOUR HOTEL ROOM

AND I'LL MEET YOU
THERE AFTER THE PARTY.

FINE, I'LL SEE YOU THEN. BYE.

YOU'RE A... A...
UH... CALL GIRL.

OH.

WELL, WELL. ( chuckles )

WELL.

WELL, WELL, IMAGINE THAT.

JANET, I DIDN'T MEAN
TO SHAKE YOU UP.

WHO, ME?

WHY WOULD YOU SHAKE ME
UP? IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS.

THEN YOU'RE NOT
GONNA TELL CHRISSY?

WHO, ME? TELL CHR...

TELL CHRISSY THAT SOMEONE
SHE'S BEEN BRAGGING ABOUT,

THAT SHE REALLY
LIKES, IS A... UH... OH.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?
CAN'T YOU EVEN SAY IT?

NOT TO CHRISSY. I DON'T
THINK SHE COULD HANDLE IT.

HMM. BUT YOU CAN.

OH, SURE. DEFINITELY.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW,
I FEEL THAT, WELL,

YOU'RE OLD ENOUGH TO
KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING,

SO I'M NOT GONNA MAKE
ANY MORAL JUDGMENTS.

THANK YOU.

IF YOU WANT TO THROW YOUR LIFE
DOWN THE GUTTER, THAT'S YOUR BUSINESS.

IT'S JUST, I DON'T UNDERSTAND

HOW YOU COULD SELL
YOURSELF TO JUST ANY GUY.

- ANY GUY?
- YEAH.

WHAT DO YOU THINK
I AM, A HOOKER?

HOOKER, CALL GIRL,
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

HOOKERS DON'T DRIVE FERRARIS.

OH.

OH.

OH.

YOU KNOW, THOUGH, CHRISSY
SAID THAT YOU WERE REAL BRIGHT.

- EVERYBODY CALLED YOU EINSTEIN.
- THAT'S RIGHT.

WELL, COULDN'T YOU
HAVE FOUND A BETTER JOB?

I MEAN, A GIRL
WITH YOUR BRAINS...

IS SMART ENOUGH TO KNOW
WHERE THE REAL MONEY IS.

I'D LIKE TO CHAT
WITH YOU LONGER,

BUT I REALLY HAVE TO
GET READY FOR WORK.

SO SOON? I WAS
HOPING WE COULD TALK.

I WANT TO HEAR
ALL ABOUT YOUR JOB.

WHY DON'T YOU ASK JANET?

- WELL?
- WELL!

UM...

WE'RE OUT OF COFFEE. I'M GOING
DOWN TO FURLEY'S TO GET SOME.

- CAN'T YOU TELL ME FIRST?
- NO.

- WHY?
- UH, BECAUSE, UH, CHRISSY,
THERE'S NOT MUCH TO TELL.

BECAUSE IT'S NOT
REALLY MUCH OF A JOB.

BUT WHAT ABOUT ALL THOSE
GUCCIS AND POOCHIES?

WELL, YES, YES.

UH, SHE DOES MAKE
A LOT OF MONEY.

- HOW?
- HOW?

UH, HUH.

WELL, SEE, CHRISSY, YOU
KNOW HOW AT BIG CONVENTIONS

THERE ARE ALWAYS A LOT
OF MEN AND THEY'RE LONELY?

AND DARLENE JUST
HELPS THEM RELAX.

YEAH, SHE'S, UH,
KIND OF A HOSTESS.

OH, YOU MEAN LIKE AN
AIRLINE STEWARDESS.

YEAH, LIKE AN
AIRLINE STEWARDESS.

SHE GETS AROUND A LOT.

I MEAN, SHE DOES
A LOT OF TRAVELING.

- REALLY?
- OH, REALLY.

IT'S A REAL HUSTLE. HASSLE!

REAL BIG HASSLE, CHRISSY.

I'M GONNA GET DOWN THERE
AND GET THAT COFFEE, OKAY?

OKAY.

WOW. YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.

THINK IT'S TOO MUCH, CHRISSY?

NOT FOR YOUR JOB.

WHAT?

WELL, JANET TOLD
ME ALL ABOUT IT.

OH, I DIDN'T THINK
SHE'D SAY ANYTHING.

WHY? I THINK WHAT
YOU DO IS WONDERFUL.

YOU DO?

YEAH.

IN FACT, I'D LIKE TO
TAKE A TRY AT IT MYSELF.

WHAT?

WELL, I KNOW IT'D TAKE A WHILE
FOR ME TO GET THE HANG OF IT,

BUT IF YOU'D JUST LET ME WATCH
YOU WORK, I KNOW I COULD DO IT.

UM, CHRISSY, UH,

I DON'T REALLY
THINK IT'S FOR YOU.

HEY, IT CAN'T BE
ANY MORE DIFFICULT

THAN WHAT I'M ALREADY
DOING IN MY OWN JOB.

YOU OUGHT TO SEE SOME OF THE
THINGS MY BOSS ASKS ME TO DO.

ESPECIALLY WHEN WE'VE
GOT OUT-OF-TOWN BUYERS.

I NEVER WOULD HAVE BELIEVED IT.

LEAST YOU GET PAID FOR IT.
ALL I EVER GET'S A FREE DINNER.

CHRISSY, CHRISSY, YOU
SURE HAVE CHANGED.

HAVEN'T WE ALL?

( sighs ) TOUCHÉ.

DARLENE, LET ME GO WITH
YOU TONIGHT. I KNOW I CAN DO IT.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW, CHRISSY.
IF YOU'RE REALLY SERIOUS...

I AM, I AM. LET'S GO, OKAY?

OKAY.

WHOA, HEY, WHAT'S THE HURRY?

WE CAN'T TALK, JACK.
WE HAVE TO GO TO WORK.

- WORK?
- YEAH, DARLENE'S TAKING
ME TO THE CONVENTION.

WELL, HAVE FUN. DARLENE?

- ARE WE ON FOR TOMORROW?
- YES.

AND I'M LOOKING
FORWARD TO IT, JACK.

"YES, AND I'M LOOKING
FORWARD TO IT, JACK."

( yelps )

♪ I WANT A GIRL
JUST LIKE THE GIRL ♪

♪ WHO MARRIED DEAR OLD DAD. ♪

HI, MOM? THIS IS JACK.

NO, I WASN'T CRYING,
MOTHER. I WAS SINGING.

DON'T MAKE ANY
PLANS FOR TOMORROW.

I'M COMING DOWN TO
SEE YOU. YEAH, YEAH.

AND I'M BRINGING
SOMEONE SPECIAL.

HER NAME IS DARLENE.

( glass shatters )

SHE'S THE KIND OF GIRL YOU'VE
ALWAYS WANTED ME TO BRING HOME.

SHE'S A KIND OF SMALL-TOWN
GIRL, VERY SWEET,

AND VERY SAFE?

AND VERY NICE.

IN FACT, SHE'S A LOT LIKE YOU.

LISTEN, MOM, I DON'T WANNA
SELL HER TO YOU OVER THE PHONE.

YOU'LL BE ABLE TO
JUDGE HER TOMORROW.

I'LL SEE YOU LATER,
MOM. I GOTTA GO, BYE!

WOULD YOU MIND
EXPLAINING YOURSELF?

- JACK.
- WAS IT SO IMPORTANT
THAT IT COULDN'T WAIT?

JACK, DARLENE IS A
$100-A-NIGHT CALL GIRL.

I DON'T CARE. WHEN A GUY'S
TALKING TO HIS MO-O-OTHER...

CALL GIRL?

THAT'S RIGHT.

SHE CAN'T BE. I
MEAN, MISS EINSTEIN.

SO, SHE'S A SMART CALL GIRL.

I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

BELIEVE IT, JACK. SHE
TOLD ME SO HERSELF.

AND WE CAN'T LET CHRISSY KNOW.

IF CHRISSY DOESN'T ALREADY
KNOW, SHE'S ABOUT TO FIND OUT.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

SHE WENT OFF TO
WORK WITH DARLENE!

- WHAT?
- THEY LEFT TWO MINUTES AGO.

OH, OH! WE HAVE TO GO GET HER!

WAIT, WAIT, JANET, WAIT. WHAT
ARE WE GETTING SO EXCITED ABOUT?

- HUH?
- CHRISSY'S NOT ABOUT
TO DO ANYTHING CRAZY.

- OH, RIGHT.
- SHE'S A...

A SWEET, NICE, INNOCENT GIRL.

WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT THOSE GUYS
AT THE CONVENTION ARE LOOKING FOR.

- YOU GET LARRY'S CAR,
I'LL GET MY PURSE.
- LET'S GO.

OH.

NO.

HEY, JANET, GRAB MY JACKET.

- ( Larry humming )
- LARRY, JUST IN TIME.

DARLENE'S A CALL GIRL.

COULD YOU RUN THAT BY ME AGAIN?

SHE'S A $100-A-NIGHT CALL GIRL.

THERE'S NO TIME TO EXPLAIN, SO
PLEASE, LARRY, I NEED YOUR HELP.

GEE, I'D LOVE TO, JACK,
BUT I'M DOWN TO MY LAST $3.

( crowd chatter )

- HI.
- OHH.

- IS ANYBODY HERE LONELY?
- YES!

DO YOU, UH, THINK
YOU CAN HELP US OUT?

WELL, THAT'S WHAT I'M HERE FOR.

OH, THEN YOU'RE, UH,
WORKING HERE TONIGHT.

WELL, YES AND NO. I MEAN, I'M
WORKING, BUT I'M NOT GETTING PAID.

- YOU'RE NOT?
- NO.

THIS IS MY FIRST TIME.

HAVE SOME CHAMPAGNE.

- WHERE IS SHE? I DON'T SEE HER.
- JACK, PLEASE CALM DOWN.

I AM CALM!

I, UH... I'M SORRY, MISS.

I SEEM TO HAVE LOST MY NAME TAG.

YOU DON'T NEED A NAME
TAG, MR. SWACKHAMMER.

OH, THANK YOU.

FOLLOW ME.

EXCUSE ME, MISS, I LEFT
MY NAME TAG UPSTAIRS.

- I'M SORRY, BUT YOU CAN'T
GET IN WITHOUT ONE.
- BUT YOU LET THAT GUY IN.

MR. SWACKHAMMER? HE'S
CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD.

( drunkenly ) WONDERFUL PARTY!

OH, GREAT. HAVING FUN, BUDDY?

JUST GREAT. HOW ABOUT YOU?

I'M FINE.

LISTEN, WHY DON'T WE STEP
OUTSIDE FOR A BREATH OF FRESH AIR?

SURE.

JACK? JACK?

( laughs nervously )

WHAT DO YOU KNOW? I DIDN'T
LEAVE IT UPSTAIRS AFTER ALL.

GO RIGHT IN, MR. BLAKE.

- MR. WHO?
- BLAKE.

- OH, YES.
- JACK, THERE SHE IS.

OH, GOOD.

- HI THERE.
- HI.

- CAN I HELP YOU?
- I'M LOOKING FOR A GIRL.

YOU CERTAINLY CAME
TO THE RIGHT PLACE.

MERCY.

PARDON ME, MISS.

- HUH?
- HAVE YOU SEEN MY WIFE?

- NO.
- GOOD, THEN I'LL
BUY YOU A DRINK.

ARE YOU HERE TO HAVE
FUN, OR TO FIND CHRISSY?

- WHAT?
- THERE SHE IS.

CHARLEY, CHARLEY BLAKE.

- HUH?
- I'VE BEEN WAITING
TO MEET YOU.

WHA... TOP VICE
PRESIDENT OF SALES.

- THAT'S ME.
- AND THE BIGGEST PHONY
OF THE BUNCH!

- WHAT?
- YOU WOULDN'T EVEN
ANSWER MY PHONE CALLS.

NOW, WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED
TO THAT SHIPMENT I ORDERED?

SHIPMENT? OH, OH!
THE SHIP... TOMORROW.

TOMORROW YOUR
SHIPMENT WILL COME IN,

OR MY NAME'S NOT
UH, UH, CHARLEY BLAKE.

- IT BETTER BE THERE.
- YOU GOT IT.

ARE YOU HERE TO MAKE BUSINESS
DEALS, OR TO SAVE CHRISSY?

CUT IT OUT, JANET.

OH, LOOK, LOOK,
JACK. THERE SHE IS.

AND THE WINNER IS...

ROOM 104.

- THAT'S MY ROOM! LET'S GO.
- WHERE WE GOIN'?

- NOWHERE! COME HERE, CHRISSY.
- WHAT ARE YOU...

- GAME'S OVER, MISTER.
- WAIT A MINUTE, BUDDY.

- YOU'RE NOT TAKING
HER ANYWHERE.
- HANG ON.

HEY, IT'S NOT FOR ME.
MR. SWACKHAMMER SENT FOR HER.

- SWACKHAMMER?
- YEAH.

- HEY, WHAT ARE YOU
GUYS DOING HERE?
- CHRISSY, COME ON.

YOU HAVE TO... IT'S
PAST YOUR BEDTIME.

BUT I DON'T WANT TO GO TO BED.

THAT'S WHY WE'RE
TAKING YOU HOME.

DARLENE, ANYTHING
I CAN HELP YOU WITH?

NO, THANKS, JACK.
I'M ALL PACKED.

UH-HUH.

GEE, I'M SORRY WE DIDN'T GET
A CHANCE TO SEE YOUR MOTHER.

UH, YEAH, WELL, UH,

IT'S TOO BAD SHE GOT
BITTEN BY THAT OLD FLU BUG.

I THOUGHT IT WAS ARTHRITIS.

OH, YEAH, WELL, THAT'S,
WELL, WHERE IT BIT HER,

IN HER ARTHRITIS.

DARLENE, YOUR CAB'S
DOWN THERE. HERE YOU GO.

- DON'T YOU THINK I SHOULD WAIT
AND SAY GOODBYE TO CHRISSY?
- NO, NO, HUH-UH.

SEE, SHE'S GONNA BE
GONE FOR A VERY LONG TIME.

YEAH, MAYBE LONGER.

WHEN SHE GOES SHOPPING,
SHE'S OFF FOR HOURS.

HI.

MY, HOW TIME FLIES.

I'M SO GLAD I GOT TO SEE
YOU BEFORE YOU LEFT.

- DO YOU HAVE TO MOVE
IN TO THE HOTEL?
- YES, I DO.

- AND IT'LL BE CLOSER
TO MY WORK.
- AWW.

I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW, I
REALLY HAD A GOOD TIME LAST NIGHT.

EVERYONE WAS SO FRIENDLY.

FRIENDLY. ISN'T SHE PRICELESS?

YES, SHE IS, AND SHE'S
GONNA STAY THAT WAY.

( horn honks )

OH, WELL, IT'S TIME TO GO.

WELL, GOODBYE. HAVE A
GOOD TIME AT THE CONVENTION.

CHRISSY.

YEAH.

BYE.

OH.

POOR DARLENE. SHE REALLY
PUTS UP A FRONT, DOESN'T SHE?

SHE DOES?

OH, COME ON.

SHE MAY HAVE FOOLED YOU
TWO, BUT SHE DIDN'T FOOL ME.

- SHE DIDN'T?
- NO.

SHE'S NOT REALLY HAPPY
DOING WHAT SHE'S DOING.

SHE'S NOT?

OF COURSE NOT.

WHAT SHE NEEDS IS A MAN.

COME ON, CHRISSY. MOTHER'S
EXPECTING US BY 3:30.

- JUST A MINUTE.
- IT'S A TWO-HOUR DRIVE
TO SAN DIEGO, REMEMBER?

- I'M TRYING TO WRITE A
BIRTHDAY CARD TO YOUR MOTHER.
- CHRISSY, PLEASE.

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.
JUST LISTEN TO THIS.

AS THOUGH WE HAD A CHOICE.

"M IS FOR THE MOTHER
OF OUR VERY BEST FRIEND.

"O" IS FOR OH, SHE REALLY IS.

"T" IS FOR THE TENDER
CARE SHE GAVE HIM.

"H" IS FOR..."

HURRY UP.

NO, "H" IS FOR "HEART SO PURE."

PUT IT ALL TOGETHER
AND IT SPELLS "MOTH."

OKAY, GOOD, CHRISSY.

LET'S GO, ALL RIGHT? LET'S
MOVE IT, COME ON, PLEASE.

- I'LL FINISH IT IN THE CAR.
- WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

DID YOU EVER BOTHER TO TELL YOUR
MOTHER THAT WE ALL LIVE TOGETHER?

- Chrissy: YEAH.
- UH, NO.

WELL, JACK, MAYBE
WE BETTER NOT GO.

- I'M GONNA TELL HER TODAY.
- TODAY?

YEAH, ISN'T THAT GONNA BE
A BIT OF A SHOCK FOR HER?

NO, BECAUSE MY MOTHER IS
VERY BROAD-MINDED AND LIBERAL.

- SHE'S AS MODERN AS THEY COME.
- Janet: OH.

THERE'S JUST ONE THING THOUGH.
SHE HAPPENS TO BE NEARSIGHTED.

Janet: SO?

SO IF I INTRODUCE YOU
AS DAVE AND YOU AS TOM,

JUST PLAY ALONG WITH IT, OKAY?

JACK!

( shouting )

( theme music playing )

John Ritter: THREE'S COMPANY WAS
VIDEOTAPED IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.

( theme music playing )