Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 5, Episode 20 - Dying to Meet You - full transcript
At the Reagle Beagle, Jack and Larry noticed that Mike the Bartender made eye contact with an attractive woman, April, but is quickly reprimanded by her tough and jealous boyfriend, Max. When Jack and Larry gossiped behind Max's back, he overhears them and tries to set them straight. When Max stepped away for a few minutes, Jack advises April to tell Max to control his temper. Later, after hearing this, Max became furious and begins stalking Jack, threatening his life.
( theme song playing )
♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪
♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪
♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪
♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪
♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE
HERS AND HERS AND HIS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪
♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪
♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
♪ WE'VE A LOVEABLE SPACE
THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ THREE IS COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ THREE IS COMPANY TOO. ♪
SEE YOU LATER.
THERE YOU GO.
HEY, THIS IS A REAL FRIENDLY
PLACE YOU GOT HERE.
- OH, YEAH.
- I'M GLAD WE STOPPED IN.
( exhales )
YOU KEEP STARIN' AT
HER, AND THE NEXT GIRL
YOU'RE GONNA BE
LOOKIN' AT IS A NURSE.
SORRY.
IT'S OKAY.
OH, PAL, YOU HAPPEN
TO HAVE ANY BEER NUTS?
SORRY I'M LATE, JACK.
CHECK OUT THE LITTLE
NUMBER PARKED AT THE BAR,
THE ONE WITH THE
BODY THAT WON'T QUIT.
YEAH, SHE'S ALSO GOT A
MEAN-LOOKING BOYFRIEND
WITH A TEMPER THAT WON'T QUIT.
YOU SHOULDA SEEN WHAT
HE DID TO THE BARTENDER...
- DON'T DO THAT.
- DO WHAT?
- LOOK AT MY GIRL.
- NO, BUT I...
- YOU'RE DOIN' IT AGAIN.
- WHAT IF HE WAS? IT'S A FREE COUNTRY.
- HEY!
- PLEASE, LAR.
SIR, EXCUSE ME, BUT I DON'T HAVE
THE SLIGHTEST INTEREST
IN YOUR GIRLFRIEND.
- OH?
- ( Jack whimpers )
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH HER?
NOTHING, NOTHING.
FROM WHAT I CAN
REMEMBER, SHE'S VERY LOVELY,
WITH HER BLOND HAIR FLOWING
DOWN HER NECK AND HER...
- PEEKABOO SWEATER.
- PEEKABOO SWEAT... LARRY.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GETTIN'
A LITTLE TIRED OF BOTH OF YOU.
- WE WERE JUST LEAVING.
- THAT'S GOOD.
BYE!
BY THE WAY, DO YOU HAPPEN TO
KNOW WHERE THE LITTLE BOYS' ROOM IS?
- LITTLE BOYS' ROOM?
- HUH?
IT'S RIGHT OVER TO YOUR LEFT, RIGHT
THERE, NEXT TO THE LITTLE GIRLS' ROOM.
- HEY, THANKS.
- NO PROBLEM, NO PROBLEM.
- BY THE WAY, YOU DON'T SCARE...
- ARE YOU CRAZY?!
JACK, JACK, COME
ON, IT'S AN ACT.
THAT TYPE OF GUY IS ALL TALK.
YEAH, AND WITH YOUR HELP, I COULD
BE TALKED RIGHT INTO THE HOSPITAL.
EXCUSE ME. MAY I SIT DOWN?
- HERE? I'M SORRY.
- OH, SURE.
I'VE COME OVER TO
APOLOGIZE FOR MAX'S BEHAVIOR.
- I'M APRIL.
- I'M LARRY.
- I'M LEAVING.
- RELAX.
APRIL, WELL, YOU'RE
A LOVELY MONTH.
YEAH, ESPECIALLY THE WAY
YOU OVERFLOW INTO MAY.
WHY DON'T YOU GIVE
ME YOUR PHONE NUMBER?
PERHAPS WE COULD GET TOGETHER.
THAT MAX, SOMETIMES
HE MAKES ME SO MAD.
DON'T HAVE A PHONE? OKAY,
I'LL GIVE YOU MY NUMBER INSTEAD.
I WISH MAX WERE MORE LIKE YOU.
YOU'RE VERY UNDERSTANDING.
I CAN TELL BY
LOOKING AT YOUR FACE.
UH, NO, I'M NOT. LOOK
CLOSER. IT'S HARD, VERY HARD.
YOU KNOW, IF SOMEONE
MAKES A PASS AT HIM,
AND I'M SUPPOSED TO IGNORE IT.
SOMEONE JUST LOOKS AT ME...
AND MAX PUTS THEM
IN THE HOSPITAL?
SEE? YOU DO UNDERSTAND.
I SURE DO. WOULD YOU
EXCUSE US? COME ON, LARRY.
LISTEN, IF I WERE YOU,
I WOULD TALK TO MAX
TO TELL HIM TO TRY TO
CONTROL HIS TEMPER.
- COME ON, LARRY, LET'S GO.
- HERE YOU GO, DARLING. CALL COLLECT.
WOULD YOU QUIT THAT?
WHAT IF MAX... MAX!
HEY, NOW, WHAT IS THIS?
- UH...
- I DON'T KNOW, IT'S NOT MINE.
IT LOOKS LIKE A
PHONE NUMBER TO ME.
IT DOES? YEAH, IT DOES.
- BUT IT'S NOT. IT'S A PRESCRIPTION.
- A WHAT?
YES, I'M SUPPOSED
TO TAKE ONE OF THESE
EVERY FOUR HOURS
AND GO DIRECTLY TO BED.
COME ON, LARRY. IT'S LATE.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE LUCKY, PAL.
MY BUDDY LET YOU
OFF EASY THIS TIME.
YOU... YEAH, I'M ALL RIGHT.
CINDY, YOU COMIN' TO BED?
YEAH, AS SOON AS I FINISH
BALANCING MY CHECKBOOK.
- OKAY.
- JANET, WILL YOU HELP ME?
OH, CINDY, YOU'RE ASKING
THE WRONG PERSON.
MY BANK OFFERED ME A CLOCK RADIO
IF I TAKE MY ACCOUNT
SOMEWHERE ELSE.
- HEY, HI, JACK.
- HI.
HI, JACK. YOU AND LARRY
HAVE FUN AT THE BEAGLE?
WELL, IF YOU CALL
BEING INTIMIDATED,
THREATENED, AND NEARLY
BEATEN UP "FUN," YEAH.
WELL, JACK, NOBODY EVER
SAID PICKING UP GIRLS WAS EASY.
JANET, WILL YOU
QUIT KIDDING AROUND?
SOME NUT THOUGHT I WAS
TRYING TO STEAL HIS GIRLFRIEND.
- WERE YOU?
- NO.
OF COURSE, I WOULDN'T MIND
BORROWING HER A COUPLE HOURS.
- JACK.
- THIS CRAZY GUY STARTED
TO GET TOUGH WITH ME.
I HAD TO STRAIGHTEN
HIM OUT. ( cracks knuckles )
SO WHAT'D YOU DO?
- ( doorbell rings )
- I DID WHAT ANY GUY WOULD DO.
I LOOKED HIM RIGHT IN THE EYES,
FLEXED MY MUSCLES, YOU KNOW.
APRIL! WHAT ARE
YOU... GET IN HERE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
THE BARTENDER TOLD
ME WHERE YOU LIVE.
WHY, THAT... THAT'S
SO THOUGHTFUL.
JACK, I TOLD MAX WHAT YOU SAID
ABOUT CONTROLLING HIS TEMPER.
- WHAT DID HE SAY?
- HE HIT THE BARTENDER.
- HE HIT THE BARTEND...
- GOSH, JACK.
LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE GONNA HAVE
TO FLEX THOSE MUSCLES AGAIN.
YEAH... APRIL, THESE ARE MY
TWO ROOMMATES, CINDY AND JANET.
- HELLO.
- WHERE'S MAX NOW?
I DON'T KNOW, BUT HE PLANS
ON BEING AT THE BEAGLE
EVERY NIGHT UNTIL
HE CATCHES YOU.
WELL, THAT DOESN'T
SCARE ME ONE BIT.
IT DOESN'T?
NO, I GOT ENOUGH BEER IN
THE FRIDGE TO LAST A MONTH.
( Max pounding at door
) OPEN UP IN THERE!
IT'S MAX. QUICK, HIDE!
HIDE! NOT YOU, CINDY.
APRIL, COME ON!
( pounding continues )
OPEN UP THIS DOOR!
DO YOU HEAR ME?
HELLO.
HEY, MAX, WHAT'S GOIN' ON?
HOW YA DOIN'? WHAT'S HAPPENING?
ALL RIGHT. NOW WHERE IS SHE?
- WHO?
- YOU KNOW WHO... APRIL.
MAX, LISTEN, WITH TWO
BEAUTIFUL GIRLS LIKE THIS
THAT I'M LIVING WITH, WHAT
WOULD I WANT WITH A THIRD?
YEAH, WHAT WOULD JACK
WANT WITH ANOTHER GIRL?
YEAH, SINCE HE CAN'T GET
ANYWHERE WITH EITHER ONE OF US.
ALL RIGHT, NOW, WHAT'S IN THERE?
A KITCHEN, YOUR BASIC KITCHEN.
STOVE, REFRIGERATOR, TABLE,
CUPS, SAUCERS, YOU KNOW.
QUICK, I GOTTA GET YOU
OUTTA HERE. COME ON.
I TOLD YOU THERE
WASN'T ANYBODY IN HERE!
YOU SHOULD'VE
LISTENED TO ME EARLIER.
- JUST GET OUTTA THE WAY.
- OH, SURE.
WELL, THANKS FOR
STOPPING BY. BYE-BYE.
NO, I AIN'T DONE LOOKIN'
AROUND YET, JACKIE.
UH...
JACK. APRIL?
WELL, GLAD TO SEE YOU
FINALLY CAME TO YOUR SENSES
AND DUMPED THAT
RIDICULOUS GOON YOU...
GEE, I WISH I COULD STAY,
BUT THE MONKS LIKE US BACK
TO THE MONASTERY BY 8:00.
IN SPIRITUS, EXITUS!
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I JUST HOPE PLASTIC SURGERY CAN
RESTORE YOU TO YOUR FORMER SELF.
DON'T YOU TOUCH HIM!
THANKS, I DON'T WANT YOUR
PROTECTION, CINDY. THANKS, ANYWAY.
- CINDY, GET OVER HERE.
- ALL RIGHT, YOU.
- LEMME EXPLAIN.
- WHAT? EXPLAIN WHAT?
YOU LURED MY GIRLFRIEND
BACK TO YOUR APARTMENT
TO ADD TO YOUR
COLLECTION OF CUPCAKES?
CUPCAKES?
I SHOULD WARN
YOU, I KNOW KARATE.
( high-pitched squealing )
HYAH! YAH!
I'M NOT UP TO THAT YET.
HANG ON A SECOND,
YOU BIG BULLY... AAH!
MAX, STOP! HE WAS
ONLY TRYING TO HELP.
CAN'T YOU SEE THERE'S
NOTHING GOING ON BETWEEN US?
AND EVEN IF THERE WERE, SO WHAT?
YOU DON'T OWN ME.
IF I WANNA BE HERE WITH
HIM, THAT'S MY BUSINESS.
IF I WANNA PUT MY
ARMS AROUND HIM,
THAT'S MY BUSINESS.
AND IF I WANNA KISS HIM...
THAT'S MY BUSINESS, TOO!
I GUESS I'M OUT
OF BUSINESS, HUH?
- THAT'S RIGHT!
- NOW I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP...
- MAX, YOUR JEALOUSY'S
DRIVING ME CRAZY!
- APRIL, PLEASE!
I CAN ONLY HANDLE
ONE FIGHT AT A TIME.
ALL RIGHT, YOU. I...
WHERE'D HE GO?
WHO?
YOU KNOW WHO.
OH, HIM WHO.
YEAH, THE WHO THAT I'M
GONNA TURN INTO A WHAT.
YEAH... HEY, LISTEN.
IF YOU LAY ONE FINGER ON HIM,
I WILL PERSONALLY
TEAR YOU APART.
ARE YOU TRYING TO TURN ME ON?
( phone rings )
GET THE PHONE,
CINDY. GET THE PHONE.
HELLO? JACK?
WHERE ARE YOU?
UPSTAIRS AT LARRY'S? HE'S GONE.
CINDY!
HE'S BACK.
WRONG NUMBER.
LARRY, LARRY, THIS
GUY IS A PSYCHO.
NO TELLING WHAT
HE'S GONNA DO NEXT.
COME ON, JACK, HE'S NEVER GONNA
FIND YOU UP HERE, SO STOP WORRYING.
( Max pounding
at door ) OPEN UP!
- START WORRYING.
- HIDE ME.
OKAY, UH... (
pounding continues )
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT, CALM DOWN.
OPEN UP, OR I'M GONNA
BREAK DOWN THIS DOOR!
( laughs ) I'D LIKE
TO SEE YOU TRY.
HYAAH! KYAAH!
ARE YOU SATISFIED?
OH, YES, THAT WAS
VERY WELL DONE.
WELL, I GUESS I WAS
WRONG. HE AIN'T HERE.
- SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR.
- ANY TIME.
OH, BY THE WAY, COULD
YOU DO ME A FAVOR?
JUST NAME IT.
TELL YOUR FRIEND
I'M GONNA FIND HIM,
AND THEN I'M GONNA KILL HIM.
GOD, JACK! HE LEFT A MESSAGE.
I HEARD, I HEARD.
"FIND HIM AND KILL HIM."
- GOOD MORNING.
- ( Janet screams )
CINDY, DON'T EVER DO THAT AGAIN.
BOY, ARE YOU JITTERY.
I CAN'T HELP IT, CINDY. I'M
SCARED TO DEATH FOR JACK.
CAN YOU JUST IMAGINE
HOW HE MUST FEEL?
♪ SINGIN' IN THE RAIN, JUST SINGIN'
IN THE RAIN, WHAT A GLORIOUS... ♪
WHAT ARE YOU GIRLS
DOIN' UP SO EARLY?
JACK, SHOULDN'T YOU BE
SINGING "NEARER MY GOD TO THEE"?
WHAT, DO YOU MEAN
BECAUSE OF MAX?
NO, BECAUSE OF THE TOOTH
FAIRY. OF COURSE, BECAUSE OF MAX.
JANET, ALL HE WANTED TO DO IS
PUT A SCARE INTO ME, ALL RIGHT?
IT WORKED, BUT IT'S
OVER, SO YOU... RELAX.
JANET, LOOK AT
HOW TENSE YOU ARE.
WHAT YOU NEED IS TO TAKE
A COUPLE OF DEEP BREATHS.
COME ON, INHALE. BOTH OF YOU,
BOTH OF YOU. COME ON, LET'S TRY IT.
- JACK...
- INHALE, EXHALE.
( breathing heavily ) THAT'S IT,
THAT'S IT. INHALE... EXHALE.
- IT'S NOT HELPING, JACK.
- IT'S HELPING ME A LOT. INHALE...
- JACK!
- I GOTTA GET TO WORK.
JACK, WAIT, WAIT,
WAIT. UM, UH, UM...
WELL, YOU, UM, TAKE GOOD CARE
OF YOURSELF TODAY, OKAY, JACK?
JANET, BELIEVE ME, WE'VE
SEEN THE LAST OF THAT GUY.
WOULD YOU STOP TREATING
ME LIKE A LITTLE BOY?
( scoffs )
MOMMY!
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
IT'S HIM, MAX. HE'S WAITING
FOR ME ACROSS THE STREET.
WHAT AM I GONNA DO? AAH!
JACK, JUST CALM DOWN. PULL
YOURSELF TOGETHER, JACK.
- NOW, LOOK, YOU HAVE
NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
- I DON'T?
HE'S OUT THERE, BUT
YOU'RE SAFE IN HERE.
- RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT. RIGHT.
- RIGHT.
AND THE ONLY THING I
CAN'T DO IS GO TO WORK,
OR GO TO THE BEACH, GO ON DATES,
LEAD A NORMAL LIFE... OH,
MY GOD, I'M TRAPPED! ( panting )
YEAH, I'M AFRAID I CAN'T
COME IN TO WORK AGAIN TODAY.
UH, WELL, YES, SIR,
IT'S THAT 24-HOUR FLU.
I KNOW IT'S BEEN THREE
DAYS, BUT, YOU KNOW,
SOME GERMS JUST
CAN'T TELL TIME. ( laughs )
( banging on door )
WHO'S THERE? I MEAN,
UH... WHO'S THERE?
Man: LARRY.
HOW DO I KNOW IT'S LARRY?
COME ON, I NEED $10.
IT'S LARRY.
COME ON, COME ON COME
ON, COME ON, COME ON.
JACK, YOU LOOK TERRIBLE.
WELL, WOULDN'T YOU? I
HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO EAT.
I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO SLEEP
THAT GUY WILL NOT GO AWAY.
YOU KNOW, IF I WERE YOU, I'D LAY
LOW FOR A WHILE. GET OUTTA TOWN.
LARRY, I CAN'T GO ON RUNNING
FOREVER. I'D BE BETTER OFF DEAD.
DON'T SAY THAT... HEY, MAYBE
THAT'S NOT SUCH A BAD IDEA.
- WHAT?
- I KNOW THIS SOUNDS CRAZY,
BUT IT JUST MIGHT WORK.
ANYTHING, I'LL DO
ANYTHING, LARRY.
GOOD, I KNOW WHERE WE'RE
GONNA HOLD YOUR FUNERAL.
- MY WHAT?
- I GOT THIS FRIEND
WHO OWES ME A FAVOR.
LISTEN TO THIS: WE
GET JANET AND CINDY...
YEAH?
HEY, HOW LONG DO YOU THINK
LOVER BOY IS GONNA BE
ABLE TO HIDE FROM ME?
HE'S NOT HIDING FROM ANYBODY
ANYMORE, THANKS TO YOU.
- I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY.
- HAPPY?
- YOU KILLED HIM.
- MURDERER.
HEY, HO, WHOA, WHOA,
WHOA. SHH, SHH, SHH.
JACK JUST COULDN'T
TAKE IT ANYMORE.
HIS HEART STOPPED IN
THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.
GOD FORGOT TO WIND IT.
WAIT A MINUTE,
ARE YOU TELLIN' ME
THAT JACK IS DEAD?
Cindy: THAT'S RIGHT.
I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
WE DON'T CARE WHAT YOU BELIEVE.
WE'RE ON OUR WAY TO
THE MEMORIAL SERVICE NOW.
AT THE SHADY HILLS FUNERAL HOME.
ON WASHINGTON BOULEVARD.
AT 2:30, SHARP.
FREE PARKING IN THE BACK.
DID THEY SAY THAT JACK IS DEAD?
YEAH, THAT'S WHAT THEY SAID.
OH, I FEEL TERRIBLE!
ME, TOO.
I WANTED TO KILL HIM MYSELF.
Larry: CALM DOWN.
I CAN'T HELP IT, THESE
PLACES GIVE ME THE CREEPS...
AAH! WHAT'S THAT?
- THAT'S YOURS.
- THAT'S... I DON'T WANT IT.
NO SIGN OF MAX YET.
OH, LARRY, WHAT IF THIS
FUNERAL IDEA DOESN'T WORK?
THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF IT.
YOU'RE COVERED, EITHER WAY.
COME ON. HOP IN.
- LARRY, I CAN'T.
- WHY NOT?
- I'M NOT READY YET.
- OH, COME ON, JACK.
COME ON, I'LL SHOW YOU,
THERE'S NOTHING TO IT, HUH?
- HERE YOU GO.
- LARRY, COME ON.
I'LL TELL YOU, THIS LITTLE BABY IS
THE ANSWER TO ALL YOUR PROBLEMS.
YOU GOT YOUR
PLUSH, SATIN INTERIOR.
TALK ABOUT YOUR RECLINING SEATS!
HUH?
LARRY!
AND PLENTY OF LEG ROOM, NOT
LIKE THOSE JAPANESE IMPORTS.
LARRY, WILL YOU GET OUTTA THERE!
IT'S EVEN GOT A SUN ROOF.
LARRY, YOU KNOW, YOU'RE
NOT SELLING ME A USED CAR.
HONEST, JACK, I'M NOT
TRYING TO SELL YOU ANYTHING,
BUT IF YOU JUST GIVE THIS
LITTLE BABY A TEST DRIVE...
LARRY, LISTEN TO ME...
YOU GUYS, YOU GUYS,
THERE'S SOMEBODY COMING.
- WHOA! SOMEBODY COMING!
- LAR!
WOULD YOU GET OUT OF HERE?
OKAY, HURRY, HURRY. QUICK.
SHH, SHH, SHH...
WHAT AM I, JACK IN THE BOX?
OKAY, NOW, DON'T
MOVE. ( snaps fingers )
( weeping )
MR. FURLEY!
OH, MY GOD, IT'S TRUE.
JACK, WHY YOU?
- MR. FURLEY...
- JANET, PLEASE, NOT NOW.
OH, HE WAS SO YOUNG, SO ALIVE.
COULDN'T YOU GIVE
HIM ANY MORE TIME?
( sneezes )
IT'S A MIRACLE!
NO, IT ISN'T, MR. FURLEY.
WELL, IT IS A DAMN GOOD TRICK!
MR. FURLEY, LOOK, I'M NOT DEAD,
BUT SOME GUY'S
TRYIN' TO KILL ME.
- SOMEONE'S COMING!
- LOOK, MR. FURLEY.
WE'LL EXPLAIN THE WHOLE
THING TO YOU LATER,
BUT FOR NOW, JUST
DON'T GIVE JACK AWAY.
- YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY.
- GET RID OF THESE FLOWERS. I'M ALLERGIC...
( sneezes ) OH, GET 'EM...
NOW JUST REMEMBER, JACK, LIE
PERFECTLY STILL AND DON'T BREATHE.
OKAY. ( takes deep breath )
( all humming )
( weeps )
IS THAT HIM?
WAS.
YEAH, HE'S DEADER THAN
A DOORNAIL, ALL RIGHT.
YEAH, WELL, MAX,
THANK YOU FOR COMING.
OH, YES! HE'S DEAD, ALL RIGHT.
DEAD AND GONE.
OH, JACK, JACK, JACK.
HE WAS SUCH A WONDERFUL PERSON.
SO SENSITIVE. SO THOUGHTFUL.
- SO KIND.
- AMEN.
THERE'LL NEVER BE
ANYONE ELSE LIKE HIM!
NEVER. NEVER.
- NEVER.
- AMEN.
HE WAS LIKE THE SON I NEVER HAD.
THE BROTHER I ALWAYS WANTED!
THE FRIEND I...
MR. FURLEY, DON'T YOU
THINK IT'S TIME TO, UM, UM...
TIME TO LOWER OUR HEADS
IN A MOMENT OF SILENCE.
- LOWER.
- NOW FOR A MOMENT
OF SILENCE FOR BREATH... JACK.
( fly buzzing )
( buzzing continues )
( buzzing stops )
( wailing )
THERE, THERE,
THERE. IT'S ALL RIGHT.
- IT'S ALL RIGHT.
- ( wailing stops )
YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE
KINDA CUTE UNDER THIS LIGHT.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO
DANCI" AFTER THE FUNERAL?
- APRIL!
- APRIL?
- APRIL, WHAT'RE YOU DOIN' HERE?
- I FOLLOWED YOU. ( gasps )
OH, MAX, I WAS AFRAID
YOU WERE GOING TO DO THIS.
NOW, APRIL, I DIDN'T
LAY A HAND ON HIM.
HE'S TELLING THE TRUTH, APRIL.
MOTHER NATURE BEAT HIM TO IT.
IT WAS HIS HEART.
GOD FORGOT TO WIND IT.
POOR, POOR JACK.
I FEEL SO GUILTY.
YES, WELL, WE ALL HAVE TO GO
SOMETIME, AND WE DON'T WANT TO KEEP YOU!
( sneezes )
- WHAT WAS THAT?
- WHAT WAS WHAT?
THAT SNEEZE.
IT WAS HIM.
YOU KNOW, THERE'S
SOMETHIN' WRONG HERE,
AND I AIN'T GOIN' NOWHERE UNTIL I
MAKE SURE THAT HE'S REALLY DEAD.
WHAT'RE YOU GOING TO DO?
DOES ANYBODY GOT A HAT PIN?
MAX, MAX, ISN'T IT BAD ENOUGH
THAT YOU HOUNDED HIM TO HIS GRAVE?
DO YOU HAVE TO MAKE A
MOCKERY OF HIS MEMORY, TOO?
WHEN YOU PUT IT THAT WAY, IT
MAKES ME SOUND LIKE A REAL HEEL.
YEAH, YEAH, FORGET
ABOUT IT. LET'S JUST GO.
NO, WHEN YOU'RE RIGHT,
YOU'RE RIGHT, AND YOU'RE RIGHT.
I MEAN, AT LEAST I OWE
THE GUY AN APOLOGY.
JACK, WHEREVER YOU ARE,
I JUST WANNA SAY THAT,
YOU KNOW, MAYBE I WENT
A LITTLE TOO FAR, AND I'M SORRY.
THAT'S OKAY.
YOU KNOW HOW I SAID
I WENT TOO FAR? I LIED!
THAT'S NOT THE ONLY
THING YOU'VE LIED ABOUT!
IF YOU'RE SO CRAZY ABOUT APRIL, THEN
HOW COME YOU TRIED TO MAKE A DATE WITH ME?
- WHAT?
- I HEARD IT.
- I HEARD HIM.
- I HEARD HIM, TOO.
- YOU TWO-TIMING...
- NO, WAIT A MINUTE, APRIL.
I WAS JUST TRYING TO
MAKE CONVERSATION.
YOU KNOW HOW BAD
I AM AT SMALL TALK.
YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU
WANT NOW, MAX, WE'RE THROUGH.
APRIL, WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE THE ONLY
ONE I'VE EVER CARED FOR.
JACK, COME ON, TALK TO
HER. SHE'LL LISTEN TO YOU.
Jack: NOBODY'S HOME!
WAIT, YOU KNOW, THIS
HAS BEEN A BIG MISTAKE.
YOU'RE A MISTAKE.
APRIL, PLEASE... YOU KNOW WHAT?
I LOVE YOU. DID YOU
EVER HEAR ME SAY THAT?
( giggles ) I DON'T THINK WE'RE
GONNA SEE ANY MORE OF HIM.
BOY, AM I GLAD THAT'S OVER.
LISTEN, LET'S ALL GO
TO THE REGAL BEAGLE.
- I COULD USE A COLD DRINK.
- OH, ME, TOO!
Jack: HEY, GUYS, I'M STUCK HERE.
OH, I GET THE JO...
HEY, OH... ( sneezes )
I'M TELLING YOU,
I WILL NEVER GET
INTO ANOTHER COFFIN FOR AS
LONG AS I LIVE... I'D RATHER DIE FIRST.
THAT'S ONE WAY.
LISTEN, I'M HEADING FOR BED.
- ME, TOO.
- WELL, I'M NOT.
GIRLS, LISTEN, YOU EXPECT
ME TO SLEEP IN MY ROOM, ALONE,
AFTER WHAT I'VE GONE THROUGH?
JACK, YOU CAN'T
JUST SIT UP ALL NIGHT.
YEAH, BUT JANET,
THE NIGHTMARES...
CINDY, JANET, COULDN'T I PLEASE
STAY IN YOUR ROOM,
JUST THIS ONCE?
- WHAT?
- ARE YOU KIDDING?
PLE-E-E-EASE!
WELL... JUST THIS ONCE, OKAY?
WELL... BLESS YOU.
OKAY.
HURT ME.
HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY!
( knocks ) GIRLS!
( theme music playing )
John Ritter: THREE'S COMPANY WAS
VIDEOTAPED IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.
( theme music playing )
♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪
♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪
♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪
♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪
♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE
HERS AND HERS AND HIS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪
♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪
♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
♪ WE'VE A LOVEABLE SPACE
THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ THREE IS COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ THREE IS COMPANY TOO. ♪
SEE YOU LATER.
THERE YOU GO.
HEY, THIS IS A REAL FRIENDLY
PLACE YOU GOT HERE.
- OH, YEAH.
- I'M GLAD WE STOPPED IN.
( exhales )
YOU KEEP STARIN' AT
HER, AND THE NEXT GIRL
YOU'RE GONNA BE
LOOKIN' AT IS A NURSE.
SORRY.
IT'S OKAY.
OH, PAL, YOU HAPPEN
TO HAVE ANY BEER NUTS?
SORRY I'M LATE, JACK.
CHECK OUT THE LITTLE
NUMBER PARKED AT THE BAR,
THE ONE WITH THE
BODY THAT WON'T QUIT.
YEAH, SHE'S ALSO GOT A
MEAN-LOOKING BOYFRIEND
WITH A TEMPER THAT WON'T QUIT.
YOU SHOULDA SEEN WHAT
HE DID TO THE BARTENDER...
- DON'T DO THAT.
- DO WHAT?
- LOOK AT MY GIRL.
- NO, BUT I...
- YOU'RE DOIN' IT AGAIN.
- WHAT IF HE WAS? IT'S A FREE COUNTRY.
- HEY!
- PLEASE, LAR.
SIR, EXCUSE ME, BUT I DON'T HAVE
THE SLIGHTEST INTEREST
IN YOUR GIRLFRIEND.
- OH?
- ( Jack whimpers )
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH HER?
NOTHING, NOTHING.
FROM WHAT I CAN
REMEMBER, SHE'S VERY LOVELY,
WITH HER BLOND HAIR FLOWING
DOWN HER NECK AND HER...
- PEEKABOO SWEATER.
- PEEKABOO SWEAT... LARRY.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GETTIN'
A LITTLE TIRED OF BOTH OF YOU.
- WE WERE JUST LEAVING.
- THAT'S GOOD.
BYE!
BY THE WAY, DO YOU HAPPEN TO
KNOW WHERE THE LITTLE BOYS' ROOM IS?
- LITTLE BOYS' ROOM?
- HUH?
IT'S RIGHT OVER TO YOUR LEFT, RIGHT
THERE, NEXT TO THE LITTLE GIRLS' ROOM.
- HEY, THANKS.
- NO PROBLEM, NO PROBLEM.
- BY THE WAY, YOU DON'T SCARE...
- ARE YOU CRAZY?!
JACK, JACK, COME
ON, IT'S AN ACT.
THAT TYPE OF GUY IS ALL TALK.
YEAH, AND WITH YOUR HELP, I COULD
BE TALKED RIGHT INTO THE HOSPITAL.
EXCUSE ME. MAY I SIT DOWN?
- HERE? I'M SORRY.
- OH, SURE.
I'VE COME OVER TO
APOLOGIZE FOR MAX'S BEHAVIOR.
- I'M APRIL.
- I'M LARRY.
- I'M LEAVING.
- RELAX.
APRIL, WELL, YOU'RE
A LOVELY MONTH.
YEAH, ESPECIALLY THE WAY
YOU OVERFLOW INTO MAY.
WHY DON'T YOU GIVE
ME YOUR PHONE NUMBER?
PERHAPS WE COULD GET TOGETHER.
THAT MAX, SOMETIMES
HE MAKES ME SO MAD.
DON'T HAVE A PHONE? OKAY,
I'LL GIVE YOU MY NUMBER INSTEAD.
I WISH MAX WERE MORE LIKE YOU.
YOU'RE VERY UNDERSTANDING.
I CAN TELL BY
LOOKING AT YOUR FACE.
UH, NO, I'M NOT. LOOK
CLOSER. IT'S HARD, VERY HARD.
YOU KNOW, IF SOMEONE
MAKES A PASS AT HIM,
AND I'M SUPPOSED TO IGNORE IT.
SOMEONE JUST LOOKS AT ME...
AND MAX PUTS THEM
IN THE HOSPITAL?
SEE? YOU DO UNDERSTAND.
I SURE DO. WOULD YOU
EXCUSE US? COME ON, LARRY.
LISTEN, IF I WERE YOU,
I WOULD TALK TO MAX
TO TELL HIM TO TRY TO
CONTROL HIS TEMPER.
- COME ON, LARRY, LET'S GO.
- HERE YOU GO, DARLING. CALL COLLECT.
WOULD YOU QUIT THAT?
WHAT IF MAX... MAX!
HEY, NOW, WHAT IS THIS?
- UH...
- I DON'T KNOW, IT'S NOT MINE.
IT LOOKS LIKE A
PHONE NUMBER TO ME.
IT DOES? YEAH, IT DOES.
- BUT IT'S NOT. IT'S A PRESCRIPTION.
- A WHAT?
YES, I'M SUPPOSED
TO TAKE ONE OF THESE
EVERY FOUR HOURS
AND GO DIRECTLY TO BED.
COME ON, LARRY. IT'S LATE.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE LUCKY, PAL.
MY BUDDY LET YOU
OFF EASY THIS TIME.
YOU... YEAH, I'M ALL RIGHT.
CINDY, YOU COMIN' TO BED?
YEAH, AS SOON AS I FINISH
BALANCING MY CHECKBOOK.
- OKAY.
- JANET, WILL YOU HELP ME?
OH, CINDY, YOU'RE ASKING
THE WRONG PERSON.
MY BANK OFFERED ME A CLOCK RADIO
IF I TAKE MY ACCOUNT
SOMEWHERE ELSE.
- HEY, HI, JACK.
- HI.
HI, JACK. YOU AND LARRY
HAVE FUN AT THE BEAGLE?
WELL, IF YOU CALL
BEING INTIMIDATED,
THREATENED, AND NEARLY
BEATEN UP "FUN," YEAH.
WELL, JACK, NOBODY EVER
SAID PICKING UP GIRLS WAS EASY.
JANET, WILL YOU
QUIT KIDDING AROUND?
SOME NUT THOUGHT I WAS
TRYING TO STEAL HIS GIRLFRIEND.
- WERE YOU?
- NO.
OF COURSE, I WOULDN'T MIND
BORROWING HER A COUPLE HOURS.
- JACK.
- THIS CRAZY GUY STARTED
TO GET TOUGH WITH ME.
I HAD TO STRAIGHTEN
HIM OUT. ( cracks knuckles )
SO WHAT'D YOU DO?
- ( doorbell rings )
- I DID WHAT ANY GUY WOULD DO.
I LOOKED HIM RIGHT IN THE EYES,
FLEXED MY MUSCLES, YOU KNOW.
APRIL! WHAT ARE
YOU... GET IN HERE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
THE BARTENDER TOLD
ME WHERE YOU LIVE.
WHY, THAT... THAT'S
SO THOUGHTFUL.
JACK, I TOLD MAX WHAT YOU SAID
ABOUT CONTROLLING HIS TEMPER.
- WHAT DID HE SAY?
- HE HIT THE BARTENDER.
- HE HIT THE BARTEND...
- GOSH, JACK.
LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE GONNA HAVE
TO FLEX THOSE MUSCLES AGAIN.
YEAH... APRIL, THESE ARE MY
TWO ROOMMATES, CINDY AND JANET.
- HELLO.
- WHERE'S MAX NOW?
I DON'T KNOW, BUT HE PLANS
ON BEING AT THE BEAGLE
EVERY NIGHT UNTIL
HE CATCHES YOU.
WELL, THAT DOESN'T
SCARE ME ONE BIT.
IT DOESN'T?
NO, I GOT ENOUGH BEER IN
THE FRIDGE TO LAST A MONTH.
( Max pounding at door
) OPEN UP IN THERE!
IT'S MAX. QUICK, HIDE!
HIDE! NOT YOU, CINDY.
APRIL, COME ON!
( pounding continues )
OPEN UP THIS DOOR!
DO YOU HEAR ME?
HELLO.
HEY, MAX, WHAT'S GOIN' ON?
HOW YA DOIN'? WHAT'S HAPPENING?
ALL RIGHT. NOW WHERE IS SHE?
- WHO?
- YOU KNOW WHO... APRIL.
MAX, LISTEN, WITH TWO
BEAUTIFUL GIRLS LIKE THIS
THAT I'M LIVING WITH, WHAT
WOULD I WANT WITH A THIRD?
YEAH, WHAT WOULD JACK
WANT WITH ANOTHER GIRL?
YEAH, SINCE HE CAN'T GET
ANYWHERE WITH EITHER ONE OF US.
ALL RIGHT, NOW, WHAT'S IN THERE?
A KITCHEN, YOUR BASIC KITCHEN.
STOVE, REFRIGERATOR, TABLE,
CUPS, SAUCERS, YOU KNOW.
QUICK, I GOTTA GET YOU
OUTTA HERE. COME ON.
I TOLD YOU THERE
WASN'T ANYBODY IN HERE!
YOU SHOULD'VE
LISTENED TO ME EARLIER.
- JUST GET OUTTA THE WAY.
- OH, SURE.
WELL, THANKS FOR
STOPPING BY. BYE-BYE.
NO, I AIN'T DONE LOOKIN'
AROUND YET, JACKIE.
UH...
JACK. APRIL?
WELL, GLAD TO SEE YOU
FINALLY CAME TO YOUR SENSES
AND DUMPED THAT
RIDICULOUS GOON YOU...
GEE, I WISH I COULD STAY,
BUT THE MONKS LIKE US BACK
TO THE MONASTERY BY 8:00.
IN SPIRITUS, EXITUS!
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I JUST HOPE PLASTIC SURGERY CAN
RESTORE YOU TO YOUR FORMER SELF.
DON'T YOU TOUCH HIM!
THANKS, I DON'T WANT YOUR
PROTECTION, CINDY. THANKS, ANYWAY.
- CINDY, GET OVER HERE.
- ALL RIGHT, YOU.
- LEMME EXPLAIN.
- WHAT? EXPLAIN WHAT?
YOU LURED MY GIRLFRIEND
BACK TO YOUR APARTMENT
TO ADD TO YOUR
COLLECTION OF CUPCAKES?
CUPCAKES?
I SHOULD WARN
YOU, I KNOW KARATE.
( high-pitched squealing )
HYAH! YAH!
I'M NOT UP TO THAT YET.
HANG ON A SECOND,
YOU BIG BULLY... AAH!
MAX, STOP! HE WAS
ONLY TRYING TO HELP.
CAN'T YOU SEE THERE'S
NOTHING GOING ON BETWEEN US?
AND EVEN IF THERE WERE, SO WHAT?
YOU DON'T OWN ME.
IF I WANNA BE HERE WITH
HIM, THAT'S MY BUSINESS.
IF I WANNA PUT MY
ARMS AROUND HIM,
THAT'S MY BUSINESS.
AND IF I WANNA KISS HIM...
THAT'S MY BUSINESS, TOO!
I GUESS I'M OUT
OF BUSINESS, HUH?
- THAT'S RIGHT!
- NOW I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP...
- MAX, YOUR JEALOUSY'S
DRIVING ME CRAZY!
- APRIL, PLEASE!
I CAN ONLY HANDLE
ONE FIGHT AT A TIME.
ALL RIGHT, YOU. I...
WHERE'D HE GO?
WHO?
YOU KNOW WHO.
OH, HIM WHO.
YEAH, THE WHO THAT I'M
GONNA TURN INTO A WHAT.
YEAH... HEY, LISTEN.
IF YOU LAY ONE FINGER ON HIM,
I WILL PERSONALLY
TEAR YOU APART.
ARE YOU TRYING TO TURN ME ON?
( phone rings )
GET THE PHONE,
CINDY. GET THE PHONE.
HELLO? JACK?
WHERE ARE YOU?
UPSTAIRS AT LARRY'S? HE'S GONE.
CINDY!
HE'S BACK.
WRONG NUMBER.
LARRY, LARRY, THIS
GUY IS A PSYCHO.
NO TELLING WHAT
HE'S GONNA DO NEXT.
COME ON, JACK, HE'S NEVER GONNA
FIND YOU UP HERE, SO STOP WORRYING.
( Max pounding
at door ) OPEN UP!
- START WORRYING.
- HIDE ME.
OKAY, UH... (
pounding continues )
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT, CALM DOWN.
OPEN UP, OR I'M GONNA
BREAK DOWN THIS DOOR!
( laughs ) I'D LIKE
TO SEE YOU TRY.
HYAAH! KYAAH!
ARE YOU SATISFIED?
OH, YES, THAT WAS
VERY WELL DONE.
WELL, I GUESS I WAS
WRONG. HE AIN'T HERE.
- SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR.
- ANY TIME.
OH, BY THE WAY, COULD
YOU DO ME A FAVOR?
JUST NAME IT.
TELL YOUR FRIEND
I'M GONNA FIND HIM,
AND THEN I'M GONNA KILL HIM.
GOD, JACK! HE LEFT A MESSAGE.
I HEARD, I HEARD.
"FIND HIM AND KILL HIM."
- GOOD MORNING.
- ( Janet screams )
CINDY, DON'T EVER DO THAT AGAIN.
BOY, ARE YOU JITTERY.
I CAN'T HELP IT, CINDY. I'M
SCARED TO DEATH FOR JACK.
CAN YOU JUST IMAGINE
HOW HE MUST FEEL?
♪ SINGIN' IN THE RAIN, JUST SINGIN'
IN THE RAIN, WHAT A GLORIOUS... ♪
WHAT ARE YOU GIRLS
DOIN' UP SO EARLY?
JACK, SHOULDN'T YOU BE
SINGING "NEARER MY GOD TO THEE"?
WHAT, DO YOU MEAN
BECAUSE OF MAX?
NO, BECAUSE OF THE TOOTH
FAIRY. OF COURSE, BECAUSE OF MAX.
JANET, ALL HE WANTED TO DO IS
PUT A SCARE INTO ME, ALL RIGHT?
IT WORKED, BUT IT'S
OVER, SO YOU... RELAX.
JANET, LOOK AT
HOW TENSE YOU ARE.
WHAT YOU NEED IS TO TAKE
A COUPLE OF DEEP BREATHS.
COME ON, INHALE. BOTH OF YOU,
BOTH OF YOU. COME ON, LET'S TRY IT.
- JACK...
- INHALE, EXHALE.
( breathing heavily ) THAT'S IT,
THAT'S IT. INHALE... EXHALE.
- IT'S NOT HELPING, JACK.
- IT'S HELPING ME A LOT. INHALE...
- JACK!
- I GOTTA GET TO WORK.
JACK, WAIT, WAIT,
WAIT. UM, UH, UM...
WELL, YOU, UM, TAKE GOOD CARE
OF YOURSELF TODAY, OKAY, JACK?
JANET, BELIEVE ME, WE'VE
SEEN THE LAST OF THAT GUY.
WOULD YOU STOP TREATING
ME LIKE A LITTLE BOY?
( scoffs )
MOMMY!
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
IT'S HIM, MAX. HE'S WAITING
FOR ME ACROSS THE STREET.
WHAT AM I GONNA DO? AAH!
JACK, JUST CALM DOWN. PULL
YOURSELF TOGETHER, JACK.
- NOW, LOOK, YOU HAVE
NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
- I DON'T?
HE'S OUT THERE, BUT
YOU'RE SAFE IN HERE.
- RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT. RIGHT.
- RIGHT.
AND THE ONLY THING I
CAN'T DO IS GO TO WORK,
OR GO TO THE BEACH, GO ON DATES,
LEAD A NORMAL LIFE... OH,
MY GOD, I'M TRAPPED! ( panting )
YEAH, I'M AFRAID I CAN'T
COME IN TO WORK AGAIN TODAY.
UH, WELL, YES, SIR,
IT'S THAT 24-HOUR FLU.
I KNOW IT'S BEEN THREE
DAYS, BUT, YOU KNOW,
SOME GERMS JUST
CAN'T TELL TIME. ( laughs )
( banging on door )
WHO'S THERE? I MEAN,
UH... WHO'S THERE?
Man: LARRY.
HOW DO I KNOW IT'S LARRY?
COME ON, I NEED $10.
IT'S LARRY.
COME ON, COME ON COME
ON, COME ON, COME ON.
JACK, YOU LOOK TERRIBLE.
WELL, WOULDN'T YOU? I
HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO EAT.
I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO SLEEP
THAT GUY WILL NOT GO AWAY.
YOU KNOW, IF I WERE YOU, I'D LAY
LOW FOR A WHILE. GET OUTTA TOWN.
LARRY, I CAN'T GO ON RUNNING
FOREVER. I'D BE BETTER OFF DEAD.
DON'T SAY THAT... HEY, MAYBE
THAT'S NOT SUCH A BAD IDEA.
- WHAT?
- I KNOW THIS SOUNDS CRAZY,
BUT IT JUST MIGHT WORK.
ANYTHING, I'LL DO
ANYTHING, LARRY.
GOOD, I KNOW WHERE WE'RE
GONNA HOLD YOUR FUNERAL.
- MY WHAT?
- I GOT THIS FRIEND
WHO OWES ME A FAVOR.
LISTEN TO THIS: WE
GET JANET AND CINDY...
YEAH?
HEY, HOW LONG DO YOU THINK
LOVER BOY IS GONNA BE
ABLE TO HIDE FROM ME?
HE'S NOT HIDING FROM ANYBODY
ANYMORE, THANKS TO YOU.
- I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY.
- HAPPY?
- YOU KILLED HIM.
- MURDERER.
HEY, HO, WHOA, WHOA,
WHOA. SHH, SHH, SHH.
JACK JUST COULDN'T
TAKE IT ANYMORE.
HIS HEART STOPPED IN
THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.
GOD FORGOT TO WIND IT.
WAIT A MINUTE,
ARE YOU TELLIN' ME
THAT JACK IS DEAD?
Cindy: THAT'S RIGHT.
I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
WE DON'T CARE WHAT YOU BELIEVE.
WE'RE ON OUR WAY TO
THE MEMORIAL SERVICE NOW.
AT THE SHADY HILLS FUNERAL HOME.
ON WASHINGTON BOULEVARD.
AT 2:30, SHARP.
FREE PARKING IN THE BACK.
DID THEY SAY THAT JACK IS DEAD?
YEAH, THAT'S WHAT THEY SAID.
OH, I FEEL TERRIBLE!
ME, TOO.
I WANTED TO KILL HIM MYSELF.
Larry: CALM DOWN.
I CAN'T HELP IT, THESE
PLACES GIVE ME THE CREEPS...
AAH! WHAT'S THAT?
- THAT'S YOURS.
- THAT'S... I DON'T WANT IT.
NO SIGN OF MAX YET.
OH, LARRY, WHAT IF THIS
FUNERAL IDEA DOESN'T WORK?
THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF IT.
YOU'RE COVERED, EITHER WAY.
COME ON. HOP IN.
- LARRY, I CAN'T.
- WHY NOT?
- I'M NOT READY YET.
- OH, COME ON, JACK.
COME ON, I'LL SHOW YOU,
THERE'S NOTHING TO IT, HUH?
- HERE YOU GO.
- LARRY, COME ON.
I'LL TELL YOU, THIS LITTLE BABY IS
THE ANSWER TO ALL YOUR PROBLEMS.
YOU GOT YOUR
PLUSH, SATIN INTERIOR.
TALK ABOUT YOUR RECLINING SEATS!
HUH?
LARRY!
AND PLENTY OF LEG ROOM, NOT
LIKE THOSE JAPANESE IMPORTS.
LARRY, WILL YOU GET OUTTA THERE!
IT'S EVEN GOT A SUN ROOF.
LARRY, YOU KNOW, YOU'RE
NOT SELLING ME A USED CAR.
HONEST, JACK, I'M NOT
TRYING TO SELL YOU ANYTHING,
BUT IF YOU JUST GIVE THIS
LITTLE BABY A TEST DRIVE...
LARRY, LISTEN TO ME...
YOU GUYS, YOU GUYS,
THERE'S SOMEBODY COMING.
- WHOA! SOMEBODY COMING!
- LAR!
WOULD YOU GET OUT OF HERE?
OKAY, HURRY, HURRY. QUICK.
SHH, SHH, SHH...
WHAT AM I, JACK IN THE BOX?
OKAY, NOW, DON'T
MOVE. ( snaps fingers )
( weeping )
MR. FURLEY!
OH, MY GOD, IT'S TRUE.
JACK, WHY YOU?
- MR. FURLEY...
- JANET, PLEASE, NOT NOW.
OH, HE WAS SO YOUNG, SO ALIVE.
COULDN'T YOU GIVE
HIM ANY MORE TIME?
( sneezes )
IT'S A MIRACLE!
NO, IT ISN'T, MR. FURLEY.
WELL, IT IS A DAMN GOOD TRICK!
MR. FURLEY, LOOK, I'M NOT DEAD,
BUT SOME GUY'S
TRYIN' TO KILL ME.
- SOMEONE'S COMING!
- LOOK, MR. FURLEY.
WE'LL EXPLAIN THE WHOLE
THING TO YOU LATER,
BUT FOR NOW, JUST
DON'T GIVE JACK AWAY.
- YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY.
- GET RID OF THESE FLOWERS. I'M ALLERGIC...
( sneezes ) OH, GET 'EM...
NOW JUST REMEMBER, JACK, LIE
PERFECTLY STILL AND DON'T BREATHE.
OKAY. ( takes deep breath )
( all humming )
( weeps )
IS THAT HIM?
WAS.
YEAH, HE'S DEADER THAN
A DOORNAIL, ALL RIGHT.
YEAH, WELL, MAX,
THANK YOU FOR COMING.
OH, YES! HE'S DEAD, ALL RIGHT.
DEAD AND GONE.
OH, JACK, JACK, JACK.
HE WAS SUCH A WONDERFUL PERSON.
SO SENSITIVE. SO THOUGHTFUL.
- SO KIND.
- AMEN.
THERE'LL NEVER BE
ANYONE ELSE LIKE HIM!
NEVER. NEVER.
- NEVER.
- AMEN.
HE WAS LIKE THE SON I NEVER HAD.
THE BROTHER I ALWAYS WANTED!
THE FRIEND I...
MR. FURLEY, DON'T YOU
THINK IT'S TIME TO, UM, UM...
TIME TO LOWER OUR HEADS
IN A MOMENT OF SILENCE.
- LOWER.
- NOW FOR A MOMENT
OF SILENCE FOR BREATH... JACK.
( fly buzzing )
( buzzing continues )
( buzzing stops )
( wailing )
THERE, THERE,
THERE. IT'S ALL RIGHT.
- IT'S ALL RIGHT.
- ( wailing stops )
YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE
KINDA CUTE UNDER THIS LIGHT.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO
DANCI" AFTER THE FUNERAL?
- APRIL!
- APRIL?
- APRIL, WHAT'RE YOU DOIN' HERE?
- I FOLLOWED YOU. ( gasps )
OH, MAX, I WAS AFRAID
YOU WERE GOING TO DO THIS.
NOW, APRIL, I DIDN'T
LAY A HAND ON HIM.
HE'S TELLING THE TRUTH, APRIL.
MOTHER NATURE BEAT HIM TO IT.
IT WAS HIS HEART.
GOD FORGOT TO WIND IT.
POOR, POOR JACK.
I FEEL SO GUILTY.
YES, WELL, WE ALL HAVE TO GO
SOMETIME, AND WE DON'T WANT TO KEEP YOU!
( sneezes )
- WHAT WAS THAT?
- WHAT WAS WHAT?
THAT SNEEZE.
IT WAS HIM.
YOU KNOW, THERE'S
SOMETHIN' WRONG HERE,
AND I AIN'T GOIN' NOWHERE UNTIL I
MAKE SURE THAT HE'S REALLY DEAD.
WHAT'RE YOU GOING TO DO?
DOES ANYBODY GOT A HAT PIN?
MAX, MAX, ISN'T IT BAD ENOUGH
THAT YOU HOUNDED HIM TO HIS GRAVE?
DO YOU HAVE TO MAKE A
MOCKERY OF HIS MEMORY, TOO?
WHEN YOU PUT IT THAT WAY, IT
MAKES ME SOUND LIKE A REAL HEEL.
YEAH, YEAH, FORGET
ABOUT IT. LET'S JUST GO.
NO, WHEN YOU'RE RIGHT,
YOU'RE RIGHT, AND YOU'RE RIGHT.
I MEAN, AT LEAST I OWE
THE GUY AN APOLOGY.
JACK, WHEREVER YOU ARE,
I JUST WANNA SAY THAT,
YOU KNOW, MAYBE I WENT
A LITTLE TOO FAR, AND I'M SORRY.
THAT'S OKAY.
YOU KNOW HOW I SAID
I WENT TOO FAR? I LIED!
THAT'S NOT THE ONLY
THING YOU'VE LIED ABOUT!
IF YOU'RE SO CRAZY ABOUT APRIL, THEN
HOW COME YOU TRIED TO MAKE A DATE WITH ME?
- WHAT?
- I HEARD IT.
- I HEARD HIM.
- I HEARD HIM, TOO.
- YOU TWO-TIMING...
- NO, WAIT A MINUTE, APRIL.
I WAS JUST TRYING TO
MAKE CONVERSATION.
YOU KNOW HOW BAD
I AM AT SMALL TALK.
YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU
WANT NOW, MAX, WE'RE THROUGH.
APRIL, WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE THE ONLY
ONE I'VE EVER CARED FOR.
JACK, COME ON, TALK TO
HER. SHE'LL LISTEN TO YOU.
Jack: NOBODY'S HOME!
WAIT, YOU KNOW, THIS
HAS BEEN A BIG MISTAKE.
YOU'RE A MISTAKE.
APRIL, PLEASE... YOU KNOW WHAT?
I LOVE YOU. DID YOU
EVER HEAR ME SAY THAT?
( giggles ) I DON'T THINK WE'RE
GONNA SEE ANY MORE OF HIM.
BOY, AM I GLAD THAT'S OVER.
LISTEN, LET'S ALL GO
TO THE REGAL BEAGLE.
- I COULD USE A COLD DRINK.
- OH, ME, TOO!
Jack: HEY, GUYS, I'M STUCK HERE.
OH, I GET THE JO...
HEY, OH... ( sneezes )
I'M TELLING YOU,
I WILL NEVER GET
INTO ANOTHER COFFIN FOR AS
LONG AS I LIVE... I'D RATHER DIE FIRST.
THAT'S ONE WAY.
LISTEN, I'M HEADING FOR BED.
- ME, TOO.
- WELL, I'M NOT.
GIRLS, LISTEN, YOU EXPECT
ME TO SLEEP IN MY ROOM, ALONE,
AFTER WHAT I'VE GONE THROUGH?
JACK, YOU CAN'T
JUST SIT UP ALL NIGHT.
YEAH, BUT JANET,
THE NIGHTMARES...
CINDY, JANET, COULDN'T I PLEASE
STAY IN YOUR ROOM,
JUST THIS ONCE?
- WHAT?
- ARE YOU KIDDING?
PLE-E-E-EASE!
WELL... JUST THIS ONCE, OKAY?
WELL... BLESS YOU.
OKAY.
HURT ME.
HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY!
( knocks ) GIRLS!
( theme music playing )
John Ritter: THREE'S COMPANY WAS
VIDEOTAPED IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.
( theme music playing )