Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 5, Episode 14 - Furley vs. Furley - full transcript

( theme song playing )

♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪

♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪

♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE
HERS AND HERS AND HIS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪

♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪

♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪

♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪



♪ WE'VE A LOVEABLE SPACE
THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THREE IS COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THREE IS COMPANY TOO. ♪

( video game beeping )

OH, I GOT YOU NOW, JANET.

FOURTH DOWN, 28 YARDS TO GO.

SORRY, LADY, BUT
THIS IS A MAN'S GAME.

THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK.

Jack: WHAT'RE YOU DOIN'?



- ( game blips )
- I DID IT! THREE POINTS.

YOU CAN'T KICK AN
80-YARD FIELD GOAL.

WHY NOT? IT WORKED, DIDN'T IT?

YEAH, BUT THAT'S
BECAUSE IT'S A DUMB PLAY.

I DON'T CARE IF IT'S
A DUMB PLAY, JACK.

I'M SUPPOSED TO
KICK-OFF NOW, RIGHT?

FORGET IT, MY TEAM'S
WALKIN' OFF THE FIELD.

POOR SPORTS.

POOR SPORTS? HOW
DO YOU LIKE THIS HERE?

- ( game beeping )
- HEY, JACK, TWO CAN PLAY
THAT GAME!

WAIT, WAIT, LEMME DO
MY... JANET, COME ON.

NO.

- YOU CAN'T DO THAT
TO MY QUARTERBACK.
- YES, I CAN. OH, LOOK.

HOLD IT, HOLD IT, HOLD IT.

IF YOU TWO DON'T CUT IT
OUT, I'M GONNA PENALIZE

THE BOTH OF YOU FOR
UNNECESSARY BEEPING.

OKAY, I'VE HAD IT
ANYWAY. SHE CHEATS.

OH, YOU ARE SUCH A BIG BABY.

I AM NOT! ( blows raspberry )

MR. FURLEY, HAVEN'T
YOU FIXED THAT LOCK YET?

JUST GIVE ME A COUPLE
OF SECONDS, WILL YOU?

YOU KNOW, THEY DON'T MAKE
LOCKS LIKE THIS ANYMORE.

THAT'S RIGHT,
MR. FURLEY, THEY DON'T.

NOWADAYS, THEY
MAKE 'EM SO THEY WORK.

DON'T LIKE THE LOCK?
GET A WATCHDOG.

HEY, MR. FURLEY, AROUND
HERE, I AM THE WATCHDOG.

I WAS THINKING MORE OF A GERMAN
SHEPHERD, NOT A FRENCH POODLE.

( imitates dog barking )

OKAY, THERE, IT'S ALL FIXED NOW.

A HERD OF WILD ELEPHANTS COULDN'T
BREAK THROUGH THAT DOOR NOW.

HI, EVERYBODY!

WELL, WHAT DO YOU
HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THAT?

DON'T SEE ANY ELEPHANTS, DO YOU?

COME ON, MR. FURLEY...

MR. FURLEY, WHAT ARE
YOU GOING TO DO NOW?

NOW, I'M GOING OVER TO 208.

MRS. SIMPSON'S ALL STOPPED UP.

I MEAN, HER DRAIN IS.

WELL, WHAT ABOUT OUR LOCK?

WELL, I'LL BE BACK.

AND WHAT ABOUT THE
LIGHT BY THE DOOR?

THAT-THAT'S BEEN
BROKEN FOR A MONTH!

REALLY, MR. FURLEY, WE
COULD USE SOME LIGHT.

YOU WANT LIGHT? HERE'S A CANDLE.

YOU CAN TO DO MORE THAN THIS.

YOU WANT A MATCH?

THIS WHOLE PLACE
IS FALLING APART.

YEAH, THE PLASTER'S COMING
DOWN HERE IN THE BATHROOM.

YEAH, LOOK AT MY CARPET.
IT'S UNRAVELING IN MY BEDROOM.

AND OVER HERE, MR. FURLEY,
WE HAVE A KITCHEN DOOR

WHICH IS LITERALLY
FALLING OFF THE HINGES.

RIGHT, NOW WHAT DO YOU
HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THAT?

GEE, THIS PLACE IS IN BETTER
SHAPE THAN I THOUGHT.

COME ON, MR. FURLEY,
EVEN WHEN YOU DO

FIX SOMETHING, IT
NEVER STAYS FIXED.

WELL, THAT'S NOT MY FAULT.

MY BROTHER BART NEVER GIVES ME
ENOUGH MONEY TO FIX ANYTHING RIGHT.

WELL, WHY DON'T
YOU COMPLAIN TO HIM?

BECAUSE HE'S SCARED OF HIM.

- I AM NOT!
- OH, YES, YOU ARE.

I COMPLAIN ALL THE TIME... YOU SHOULD
SEE SOME OF THE LETTERS I'VE WRITTEN.

I'VE TOLD HIM WHAT A
CHEAPSKATE I THINK HE REALLY IS.

I'VE CALLED HIM EVERY
NAME IN THE BOOK.

YOU'VE REALLY TOLD HIM
OFF IN THOSE LETTERS?

DARN RIGHT, I DID, AND IF HE DOESN'T
SHAPE UP, I'M GONNA START MAILIN' 'EM.

BOY, HE'S REALLY SCARED
OF HIS BROTHER, ISN'T HE.

YEAH, BUT I'M NOT.

WHAT'RE YOU DOING?

I'M TRYING TO GET SOME
ACTION AROUND HERE.

LET'S SEE... FULLER,
FULLMAN, FURLEY.

JACK, COME ON, YOU'RE NOT
GONNA CALL BART FURLEY, ARE YOU?

JANET, YOU'VE GOTTA
LEARN ONE THING.

YOU DON'T GET ANYTHING IN
THIS LIFE UNLESS YOU ASK FOR IT.

HELLO, I'D LIKE TO SPEAK
TO MR. FURLEY, PLEASE.

IF YOU SEE SOMETHING YOU WANT,
YOU'VE GOTTA GO OUT THERE AND GRAB IT!

NOTHING IS GONNA BE HANDED
TO YOU ON A SILVER PLATTER, I...

MR. FURLEY, THERE'S
SOMETHING I WANT YOU TO HEAR.

TELL HIM, CINDY.

IS THIS MR. FURLEY?

BART FURLEY?

TELL HIM, JANET.

UH... HI, THERE.

UM, HI, MR. FURLEY.

I'M ONE OF THE TENANTS WHO LIVES

IN THE BUILDING THAT
YOUR BROTHER MANAGES.

AND, UM, OKAY, LOOK...

HE SAYS HE CAN'T FIX
ANYTHING AROUND HERE

BECAUSE YOU DON'T GIVE
HIM ENOUGH MONEY TO FIX IT,

SO WHY DON'T YOU HELP
HIM OUT AND... WHAT?

YOU WILL?

OH, THANK YOU. ( laughs )

SURE, BYE.

WELL, WHAT DID HE SAY?

HE SAID HE WAS GONNA
TAKE CARE OF IT RIGHT AWAY.

YOU SEE, NOW, JANET?

YOU DON'T GET ANYTHING IN
LIFE WITHOUT ASKING FOR IT.

YOU'RE ASKING FOR IT.

GOSH, WAIT TILL MR. FURLEY
HEARS THE GOOD NEWS.

NO, NO, WE CAN'T
SAY ANYTHING TO HIM.

THAT'S... WHY CAN'T WE
SAY ANYTHING TO HIM?

BECAUSE THEN HE WOULD KNOW
THAT WE CALLED HIS BROTHER.

- WELL, WHAT DO WE SAY?
- WE DON'T SAY ANYTHING.

WE JUST WAIT, AND HE'LL TELL
US, AND WE'LL ACT SURPRISED.

OH, GOOD! I'M GOOD AT THAT.

- ( doorbell rings )
- OH, I'LL GET IT.

MR. FURLEY. WHAT A SURPRISE!

I JUST GOT A PHONE CALL
FROM MY BROTHER BART.

WOWIE. WHAT? ANOTHER SURPRISE?

HE TOLD ME I WAS FIRED.

HE WHAT?!

- FIRED?
- WHY?

ONE OF THE TENANTS CALLED
HIM AND COMPLAINED ABOUT ME.

HE DIDN'T TELL YOU
WHICH TENANT, DID HE?

- NO, BUT I KNOW WHO IT WAS.
- Y-YOU DO?

YEAH, MRS. SIMPSON
IN 208, SHE HATES ME.

NO, MR. FURLEY, IT
WASN'T MRS. SIMPSON.

IT WASN'T? HOW DO YOU KNOW?

BECAUSE IT WAS PROBABLY MRS.
ADAMS IN 206. SHE HATES YOU EVEN MORE.

WHAT AM I GONNA DO NOW?

OH, DON'T WORRY, MR. FURLEY.

YOU'LL FIND ANOTHER JOB.

WHERE? I'M ALL OUT OF BROTHERS.

THAT'S NOT THE WORST OF IT.

OH, WHAT DOES THAT
MEAN, MR. FURLEY?

WELL, YOU SEE, MY
APARTMENT WENT WITH THE JOB.

NOW I'VE GOT NO PLACE TO LIVE.

I'M SURE YOUR BROTHER WILL LET
YOU STAY UNTIL YOU FIND ANOTHER JOB.

ARE YOU KIDDING, HE'S
ALREADY GOT SOMEONE

ON HIS WAY OVER HERE
TO CHANGE THE LOCKS.

WELL, YOU CAN
ALWAYS STAY IN A MOTEL.

A MOTEL, SURE.

I GOT ENOUGH MONEY SAVED
TO LAST ME THE REST OF MY LIFE...

IF I DIE TOMORROW!

GEE, MR. FURLEY, WE'D LET YOU
SPEND THE NIGHT HERE, BUT...

THANK YOU! OH, THAT
MEANS SO MUCH TO ME.

NO, NO, NO, NO. NO, NO, NO.

NO, MR. FURLEY, THE
REASON YOU COULDN'T IS...

IS THAT THERE WOULDN'T BE
ANYWHERE FOR YOU TO SLEEP,

EXCEPT THIS CRUMMY, LUMPY COUCH.

OH, BUT I LOVE LUMPS.
I'M A LUMP LOVER.

UH, SEE, MR. FURLEY...

OH, YOU ARE SUCH GREAT FRIENDS.

OH, YOU KIDS.

WELL, I GUESS IF WE'RE GONNA BE
ROOMIES, I BETTER START PACKIN'.

WELL, UH... OKAY, ALL
RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

IT'S JUST FOR ONE NIGHT.

AND DON'T YOU WORRY,
I WON'T BE A BURDEN.

I SHOULD BE BACK ON MY FEET
WITHIN A COUPLE OF MONTHS.

A COUPLE OF MONTHS?

WHAT'S THAT YOU SAY?

CHARLIE, YOU MEAN
THEY'RE COMPLAINING

ABOUT HAVING TO WORK
SEVEN DAYS A WEEK?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT,
TELL YOU WHAT.

YOU TELL 'EM I'M GONNA
GIVE 'EM ALL A DAY OFF...

AS SOON AS THERE
ARE EIGHT DAYS A WEEK.

- WHAT IS IT, SICKLE?
- A MR. TRIPPER.

SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR
APARTMENT BUILDING IN SANTA MONICA.

OH, YEAH, HE'S PROBABLY HERE
FOR THE MANAGER'S JOB. SEND HIM IN.

- MR. TRIPPER?
- OH, YES, THANK YOU.

MR. FURLEY, GLAD TO
MEET YOU. DON'T GET UP.

I AM UP.

I'M A VERY, VERY BUSY MAN.

YES, SIR, I'LL
MAKE THIS SHORT...

I MEAN, I'LL GET
TO WHY I'M HERE.

- I KNOW WHY YOU'RE HERE.
- YOU DO?

YEAH, IT'S ABOUT THE
APARTMENT MANAGER'S JOB.

- THAT'S RIGHT!
- SIT DOWN, FLIPPER.

- UH, "TRIPPER."
- JUST SIT DOWN.

SEE, THE...

- YOU COMFY?
- COMFY. THANKS, IT'S NICE.

THE MANAGER'S JOB IS A
CINCH. ANY IDIOT CAN DO IT.

YEAH, I KNEW THE LAST IDIOT...

I MEAN, THE LAST MANAGER,
YOUR BROTHER, RALPH.

ARE YOU A FRIEND OF HIS?

WELL, WELL, SORT OF, BUT
IF HE EVER FOUND OUT THAT

I CAME TO SEE YOU ABOUT THIS,
HE WOULD NEVER FORGIVE ME.

UH-HUH, SO YOU'RE SNEAKIN'
AROUND BEHIND HIS BACK.

I LIKE THAT.

HANG ON A SECOND,
THAT'S NOT... THAT'S NOT...

EXCUSE ME. ABOUT YOUR BROTHER...

ABOUT MY BROTHER? YOU
KNOW WHAT HE'S GOOD FOR?

- NO.
- NEITHER DO I.

HE CAN'T BE THAT BAD.

HE'S WORSE: EVERY JOB RALPH
HAS EVER HAD, I'VE GIVEN HIM.

WELL, THAT'S VERY BIG OF YOU...

I, WELL... I MEAN,
THAT'S VERY GENEROUS.

LOOK, ALL HE EVER HAS
TO DO IS COLLECT THE RENT,

TURN A COUPLE OF SCREWS,
AND KEEP AN EYE ON THE PLACE.

DOES THAT SOUND
TOO DIFFICULT TO YOU?

- WELL, NO.
- GOOD, YOU'RE HIRED.

WAIT, NO, I DIDN'T COME
HERE ABOUT THE JOB.

I CAME TO TALK ABOUT YOUR BROTHER
AND THE IMPORTANCE OF YOUR OWN FAMILY.

- ( buzzer sounds )
- SIT DOWN, ZIPPER.

UH... HELLO? YES,
I'LL TAKE THE CALL.

OW!

OH, IT'S YOU AGAIN, IS IT?

HOW MANY TIMES DO
I HAVE TO TELL YOU,

I DID NOT GET RICH
BY GIVING HANDOUTS

TO EVERY TOM, DICK, AND
HARRY THAT COMES TO ME

WITH A SOB STORY LIKE YOURS?

OH, STOP BLUBBERING.
YOU'LL GET IT.

BUT I'M TELLING YOU ONE THING,

YOU'D BETTER START PULLING
YOUR WEIGHT AROUND HERE!

YEAH, I KNOW, MOM.
I LOVE YOU, TOO.

NOW, YOU WERE SAYING?

( stammers ) OH,
FORGET IT. I J...

- YOU'RE WHAT?
- YOU'RE THE NEW MANAGER?

I KNOW IT SOUNDS
BAD, BUT, SEE...

JACK, HOW COULD
YOU STOOP SO LOW?

YOU HAVEN'T MET BART FURLEY.

IT'S THE ONLY WAY YOU
CAN TALK TO THE GUY.

AND JUST WHAT ARE
YOU PLANNING ON SERVING

MR. FURLEY FOR DINNER
TONIGHT, EGGS BENEDICT ARNOLD?

LOOK, I DID IT FOR
FURLEY'S SAKE.

OH, AND HE'S GONNA
BE SO GRATEFUL.

IF HIS BROTHER HADN'T
HIRED ME TO DO THE JOB,

HE WOULD'VE HIRED SOMEBODY
ELSE, AND THEN FURLEY

WOULD NEVER GET
HIS OLD JOB BACK.

I CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU
TO TELL MR. FURLEY THAT.

- ( doorbell rings )
- I WILL, THE FIRST CHANCE
I GET.

HI.

- HI, ROOMIES.
- MR. FURLEY...

NOW LOOK, I DON'T
WANNA BE A BOTHER,

SO I'LL PUT ALL
THIS AWAY MYSELF.

NO, BUT MR. FURLEY...

ALL RIGHT, IF YOU INSIST, YOU
CAN HANG THESE SUITS UP FOR ME.

JACK! LOOK, MR. FURLEY...

I KNOW, JANET, EQUAL
RIGHTS FOR WOMEN, RIGHT?

HERE, WOULD YOU JUST RUN AN
IRON OVER THAT SHIRT FOR ME?

- MR. FURLEY, I...
- I NEED IT TONIGHT.

I DON'T WANT TO LOOK LIKE A SLOB

WHEN I SIT DOWN TO HAVE
DINNER WITH YOU KIDS.

- MR. FURLEY...
- OH, CINDY.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO LEAVE YOU OUT.

HERE YOU GO. PUT THAT AWAY.

( yelps )

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

WAIT A MINUTE... WHOA, OH!

WHY DIDN'T YOU
SAY ANYTHING, JACK?

- I HAD TO HANG UP
THE MAN'S SUITS.
- OH, JACK!

TELL HIM... TELL HIM
NOW, JACK. TELL HIM NOW.

HERE'S A LITTLE GIFT FOR YOU,
A TOKEN OF MY APPRECIATION.

GENUINE NORTH SEA HERRING.

WELL, MR. FURLEY...

NO, DON'T THANK ME. LET ME HANG
IT FOR YOU. BRIGHTEN UP THE ROOM.

HANG ON A SECOND, MR. FURLEY.

JACK HAS SOMETHING
THAT HE WANTS TO TELL YOU.

OOH, I HAVE SOMETHING
FOR JACK, TOO.

- WHAT'S THIS?
- THAT'S A LIST OF THINGS
I CAN'T EAT.

I JUST BLOW UP LIKE A BALLOON.

I GET GREAT BIG, RED
BLOTCHES ALL OVER.

NEVER MIND, I'LL
TELL HIM MYSELF.

TELL ME WHAT?

( chuckles ) I DON'T REALLY
KNOW HOW TO SAY THIS.

WELL, YOU CAN SAY
ANYTHING YOU WANT.

IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU KIDS,
I'D BE OUT IN THE STREET.

- MR. FURLEY...
- HONEST, YOU'RE MY BEST FRIENDS.

YEAH, IT'S ABOUT YOUR
SLEEPING ON THE SOFA.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, YOU'RE
THE ONLY FRIENDS I HAVE.

NOW, WHAT ABOUT THE SOFA?

UH, IT'S TOO LUMPY. YOU
CAN HAVE JACK'S ROOM.

( no audio )

COME ON, MR. FURLEY. WOULD
YOU HURRY IT UP A LITTLE?

JANET, DID YOU EAT
MY BANANA CREAM PIE?

I DIDN'T TOUCH YOUR
BANANA CREAM PIE.

- CINDY! CINDY,
DID YOU EAT THIS PIE?
- WHAT PIE?

THE ONE I MADE ESPECIALLY
FOR JOANNIE WELSH.

SHE SAID SHE'D GIVE ANYTHING
FOR ONE OF MY BANANA CREAM PIES.

I'VE SEEN JOANNIE WELSH, JACK.

SHE DOESN'T HAVE
THAT MUCH TO GIVE.

MEOW!

OH, IT WAS JUST A JOKE.

OKAY, JANET, THE
BATHROOM'S ALL YOURS.

YOU COULD'VE FOOLED ME.

GOOD MORNING, JACK.

- MR. FURLEY.
- OH, I LOVE THAT PIE. MMM!

YOU... YOU ATE MY PIE?

MMM, GOOD. CRUST WAS A LITTLE
SOGGY, BUT OTHERWISE, VERY GOOD.

THERE IS NO HOT WATER.

GEE, THAT'S FUNNY, THERE WAS
PLENTY WHEN I TOOK MY SHOWER.

LOVE THIS FISH.

HOW LONG HAS THAT MAN
BEEN LIVING HERE, JACK?

- A MONTH? TWO?
- A DAY AND A HALF.

OH, HE'S DRIVING ME CRAZY!

YEAH, HE USED UP
ALL MY EYE SHADOW.

YOUR EYE SHADOW?

TO POLISH HIS SHOES.

YOU HAVE GOT TO DO
SOMETHING ABOUT HIM, JACK.

JANET, I CAN'T JUST
THROW HIM OUT.

♪ COMIN' 'ROUND THE MOUNTAIN
WHEN SHE COMES, WHEN SHE COMES ♪

- LET'S THROW HIM OUT.
- ♪ SHE'LL BE COMIN'
'ROUND THE MOUNTAIN ♪

- ♪ WHEN SHE COMES... ♪
- MR. FURLEY...

FOOLED YA, DIDN'T I? DIDN'T
KNOW I COULD PLAY, DID YA?

Janet: NO.

NOW I WANNA SING YOU A
LITTLE SONG THAT I WROTE

ESPECIALLY FOR THIS CUTE
LITTLE NURSE I USED TO DATE.

Jack: MR. FURLEY...

♪ FEVER! SHE GAVE ME FEVER! ♪

♪ WHEN THAT CHICK
WALKED INTO THE ROOM ♪

♪ I COULD FEEL MY
TEMPERATURE ZOOM ♪

♪ FEVER! SHE GAVE ME FEVER! ♪

( imitates instrument ) ♪
FEVER, FEVER, FEVER ♪

MR. FEVER...
MR. FURLEY, MR. FURLEY,

CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING?

- YOU NAME IT, I'LL PLAY IT.
- NO, I DON'T WANT YOU
TO DO THAT.

NO, YOU SEE, THERE IS A...

WHAT JACK IS TRYING
TO SAY IS THAT HE, WELL,

THAT WE... THAT
HE... OH, MR. FURLEY,

WOULDN'T YOU LIKE
TO GET ANOTHER JOB?

NO, THE ONLY JOB I
WANT IS THE ONE I HAD:

BEING MANAGER OF THIS BUILDING.

BUT MR. FURLEY...

AND I'LL TELL YOU
SOMETHIN' ELSE.

MY BROTHER BART IS GONNA
HAVE TO LOOK LONG AND HARD

TO FIND SOMEBODY TO REPLACE ME.

- ( phone ringing )
- I'LL GET IT.

A PERSON OF MY EXPERIENCE.

BOY, SOONER OR LATER, HE'S GONNA
COME CRAWLING ON HANDS AND KNEES

JUST BEGGIN' ME TO
TAKE THAT JOB BACK.

HELLO? OH, YEAH,
HE'S RIGHT HERE.

IT'S YOUR BROTHER, BART.

WHAT'D I TELL YA, HUH?

( chuckles ) WHAT'D I TELL YA?

HOLD THIS. GIMME THAT.

AH, OKAY, BART,
BABY, START CRAWLIN'.

WHOOPS, IT WAS JUST
A LITTLE JOKE, BART.

UH, BART, SEE, I'M
HERE WITH FRIENDS,

SO I WAS K-K-KIDDING
AROUND... WHAT?

I SHOULD GIVE THE KEYS
TO THE NEW MANAGER?

WHAT NEW MANAGER?

JACK TRIPPER?!

HANG ON A SECOND, IT SOUNDS
MUCH WORSE THAN IT ACTUALLY IS.

MR. FURLEY? MR. FURLEY?

MR. FURLEY, PLEASE,
WE CAN EXPLAIN.

YEAH, JACK DIDN'T MEAN
TO STAB YOU IN THE BACK.

SHE'S RIGHT. EXCUSE ME, CINDY,
WHY DON'T YOU LEAVE A WAKE-UP CALL?

LET ME HANDLE THIS,
OKAY? MR. FURLEY...

LOOK, I DON'T WANT YOUR JOB.

I WANT YOU TO HAVE
YOUR JOB BACK, YOU SEE?

BUT WHAT I WAS... MR. FURLEY...

MR. FURLEY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

I'M GOING TO APPLY
FOR SOCIAL SECURITY.

BUT YOU CAN'T COLLECT
THAT TILL YOU'RE 65.

I'LL GET IN LINE AND WAIT.

OH, MR. FURLEY, PLEASE,
WHY DON'T YOU JUST ASK

YOUR BROTHER TO GIVE
YOU YOUR JOB BACK?

NO, HE WON'T DO THAT.

ONCE MY BROTHER MAKES UP
HIS MIND, HE NEVER CHANGES IT.

- NEVER?
- NEVER. TWICE.

- TWICE?
- YEAH, WHEN WE WERE
LITTLE KIDS,

MY BROTHER BART GRABBED
MY "LITTLE ORPHAN ANNIE"

SPY RING AWAY FROM ME,
AND HE WOULDN'T GIVE IT BACK

TILL I CHASED HIM
INTO AN ELEVATOR.

WHAT HAPPENED THEN?

WELL, THE ELEVATOR GOT
STUCK BETWEEN FLOORS,

AND HE GOT SO SCARED, HE
GAVE THE RING BACK TO ME.

WELL, SEE, YOUR BROTHER
CAN CHANGE HIS MIND.

HE GAVE YOU BACK YOUR SPY RING.

YEAH, BUT ONLY BECAUSE
HE WAS SCARED TO DEATH.

THAT'S WHEN I FOUND OUT HE WAS
SUFFERING FROM CLOSET-PHOBIA.

- YOU MEAN, CLAUSTROPHOBIA.
- THAT, TOO.

ANYWAY, EVER SINCE THEN, HE'S
BEEN PETRIFIED OF ELEVATORS.

WELL, YOU SAID YOUR BROTHER HAD CHANGED
HIS MIND TWICE. WHAT WAS THE OTHER TIME?

WHEN WE GOT OUT OF THE ELEVATOR, HE
TOOK MY SPY RING BACK AGAIN. ( weeping )

OH, THERE, THERE,
MR. FURLEY, DON'T FEEL BAD.

WE'LL FIND YOU ANOTHER SPY RING.

HEY, W-WAIT A SECOND.
YOU JUST GAVE ME AN IDEA.

COME ON, WE'RE GONNA
GO SEE YOUR BROTHER.

OH, FORGET IT. HE WON'T
HAVE THE RING ANYMORE.

FORGET "LITTLE ORPHAN ANNIE." I'VE
GOT AN IDEA TO GET YOUR JOB BACK.

YOU DO? HOW CAN
WE GET HIS JOB BACK?

LISTEN, LISTEN. ( whispering )

JACK, HOW LONG DO WE HAVE TO
DO THIS? MY ARMS ARE GETTING TIRED.

JUST UNTIL BART LEAVES HIS OFFICE,
WHICH SHOULD BE ANY MINUTE NOW.

( laughs )

SHH. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

READING THE FUNNIES.

CINDY, YOU WANNA TRADE WITH ME?

THESE WANT ADS ARE DEPRESSING.

WAIT, YOU'RE NOT
SUPPOSED TO BE READING.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE
HIDING. SHH, HERE HE COMES NOW.

JANET, HIT THE BUTTON, QUICK.

EXCUSE ME.

GOING DOWN?

WHAT'RE YOU DOING HERE, ZIPPER?

TRIPPER, AND I'VE
COME TO TELL YOU

THAT I'M RESIGNING AS MANAGER
FROM YOUR APARTMENT BUILDING.

AND AS TENANTS, WE WANT
YOU TO HIRE YOUR BROTHER BACK.

WHY DON'T YOU ASK
ME FOR SOMETHIN' EASY,

LIKE A FREE MONTH'S RENT?

HEY, YOU'D GIVE US A
FREE MONTH'S RENT?

SURE, AFTER I HIRE
MY BROTHER BACK,

WHICH WILL BE RIGHT AFTER I PLAY
CENTER FOR THE HARLEM GLOBETROTTERS!

OKAY, THEN, YOU
LEAVE US NO CHOICE.

( gears grind )

WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY NOW?

ABOUT WHAT?

ABOUT THE ELEVATOR BEING
STUCK BETWEEN FLOORS.

WE'RE TRAPPED, YOU KNOW.

FEELS LIKE THE WALLS
ARE CLOSING IN, DOESN'T IT?

WHAT'RE YOU DOIN' HERE?

DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT. IT'S
GETTING HARD TO BREATHE IN HERE, ISN'T IT?

WHY?

BECAUSE YOU'RE SCARED
TO DEATH OF ELEVATORS.

NO ANYMORE, I'M NOT.

Y-Y-YOU'RE NOT?

NO, NOT EVER SINCE
I WENT TO A SHRINK.

HE TOLD ME TO BUY
MY OWN ELEVATOR.

SO I BOUGHT THE BUILDING.

- YOU MEAN, YOU'RE CURED?
- YEAH.

YOU AND YOUR STUPID IDEAS!
I TOLD YOU IT WOULDN'T WORK.

BART, I'M SORRY.
THEY PUT ME UP TO IT.

GET UP, YOU SNIVELING COWARD!

ALL RIGHT, GAFFER,
OPEN THIS DOOR.

EVERYBODY, OFF THE ELEVATOR!

UH, UH...

I-I'M SORRY, I THINK
WE'RE REALLY STUCK.

STUCK? STUCK? IT CAN'T BE!

WE'RE STUCK! I CAN'T... NO!

I... IT FEELS LIKE THE
WALLS ARE CLOSING IN.

I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE! I
CAN'T STAND CLOSED PLACES.

THERE'S A TRAP DOOR AT
THE TOP. QUICK, PUSH ME UP!

DOWN, DOWN, DOWN, DOWN! I
CAN'T STAND HEIGHTS, EITHER.

MR. FURLEY, RELAX.

RELAX? SURE, IT'S
EASY FOR YOU TO SAY.

YOU'RE NOT TRAPPED
IN AN ELEVATOR.

HELP, HELP, HELP!

WILL YOU GET A HOLD OF
YOURSELF, YOU SPINELESS JELLYFISH!

YOU CAN'T TALK TO HIM LIKE THAT!

THAT'S RIGHT, HE MAY BE
SPINELESS, BUT HE'S OUR FRIEND.

- MR. FURLEY, ANOTHER CH...
- CAN IT, TOPPER.

TOP-TOPPER?

LOOK, I WANT EVERYBODY
OUTTA THIS ELEVATOR,

AND THEN I WANT EVERY ONE OF YOU
OUT OF MY APARTMENT, UNDERSTAND?

- WHAT?! YOU CAN'T THROW US OUT!
- WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

- WHO'S GONNA STOP ME?
- I AM!

YOU? ( cackling )

THAT'S RIGHT, YOU CAN PICK ON ME,
BUT YOU CAN'T PICK ON MY FRIENDS.

WHAT? ( cackling )

SHUT UP, SHORTY!

SO HELP ME, IF YOU
THROW THEM OUT,

I'LL HAVE THE HOUSING
COMMISSION DOWN ON YOU SO FAST,

YOU WON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

- YOU WOULDN'T. LISTEN, RALPHIE...
- OH, YES, I WOULD.

- I'LL TELL 'EM ABOUT
THE 20 HEALTH VIOLATIONS...
- NO...

AND THE 30 SAFETY VIOLATIONS.

RALPHIE, WAIT!

NO, YOU WAIT, WEASEL!

- IT'LL COST YOU PLENTY.
- NO!

- FINES!
- NO.

- LAWYERS!
- NO!

- PLUMBERS!
- OH, NO!

- UNIONS!
- NOT UNIONS!

MONEY, MONEY, MONEY, MONEY!
WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT?!

( screaming ) OH, RALPHIE, HAVE
MERCY! WE HAVE THE SAME MOTHER.

IT'S NOT MY FAULT.

RALPHIE, RALPHIE, OLD SOCK,

THIS IS JUST A BIG
MISUNDERSTANDING.

IF YOU WANT THESE
WONDERFUL KIDS TO STAY

IN THE APARTMENT, THEY CAN STAY.

- WHAT ABOUT MR. FURLEY'S JOB?
- YEAH, WHAT ABOUT THAT?

IF I'D HAVE KNOWN
HE WANTED IT SO BAD,

I NEVER WOULD'VE LET HIM QUIT.

( all exclaiming )

THANK YOU. ONE MORE
THING, BART... I WANT A RAISE.

- DON'T PUSH IT, RALPH.
- OKAY, JUST KIDDING.

( elevator humming )

HEY, WE'RE MOVING.

MR. FURLEY, CONGRATULATIONS
ON GETTIN' YOUR JOB BACK.

- THANK YOU.
- YEAH, NOW YOU CAN MOVE
BACK IN YOUR OWN APARTMENT.

YEAH, BUT, YOU
KNOW, WE'LL MISS YA.

- NO, YOU WON'T.
- WELL, HOW COULD YOU... WON'T WE MISS HIM?

OF COURSE WE'LL MISS YOU.

DID YOU HEAR THAT? HOW CAN
YOU SAY WE WON'T MISS YOU?

BECAUSE I'M HAVING MY
APARTMENT REPAINTED,

AND I THINK WE'RE GONNA BE ROOMIES
FOR AT LEAST TWO MORE WEEKS.

( laughing )

ONE MORE TIME!

♪ OLD MacDONALD
HAD A FARM, E-I-E-I-O ♪

- MR. FURLEY, MR. FURLEY...
- WHAT'S THE MATTER?

DON'T YOU THINK YOU COULD
BE DOING SOME THINGS?

YEAH, MR. FURLEY,
LIKE FIXING THE DOOR?

- AND THE KITCHEN LIGHT?
- AND SANDING THE FLOOR?

RELAX, KIDS, I TOLD YOU
I WAS GONNA TAKE CARE

OF THOSE THINGS, AND I WILL.

♪ I'M GONNA FIX UP THE DOOR,
I'M GONNA SAND YOUR FLOOR ♪

- ♪ I'M GONNA
FILL YOU WITH LIGHT ♪
- WELL, THAT WOULD BE TERRIFIC.

THAT WOULD BE TERRIFIC, BUT
WHERE'RE YOU GONNA GET THE MONEY?

OH, I SOLVED THAT
LITTLE PROBLEM, TOO.

♪ MONEY'S NO PROBLEM,
LADIES AND GENT ♪

♪ I TALKED TO BART AND
WE'RE RAISIN' YOUR RENT ♪

ALL TOGETHER NOW!

( music continues )

( theme music playing )

John Ritter: THREE'S COMPANY WAS
VIDEOTAPED IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.

( theme music playing )