Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 5, Episode 10 - Jack's Other Mother - full transcript

Jack helps an elderly woman, Gladys Moore, take her groceries to her apartment, which is in the same complex. Grateful for the help, Gladys brings Jack a thank you gift. Then, she starts to get comfortable with her surroundings, getting Jack cookies and milk, showing up unannounced to help Jack at work and trying to tend to his everyday needs. Soon, Gladys becomes a very clingy mother-figure to Jack, driving him off the wall.

( theme music playing )

♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪

♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪

♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE
HERS AND HERS AND HIS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪

♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪

♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪

♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪



♪ WE'VE A LOVEABLE SPACE
THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THREE IS COMPANY TOO ♪

- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THREE IS COMPANY TOO. ♪

- ( phone ringing )
- I GOT IT.

OH, I'LL GET IT. I'VE BEEN
LISTENING TO THE RADIO.

A LOT OF STATIONS
ARE HAVING CONTESTS.

YOU CAN WIN STUFF JUST BY
ANSWERING THE PHONE THE RIGHT WAY.

KRBQ PLAYS ALL THE HITS!

CINDY, DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE ODDS
ARE OF THEM CALLING OUR NUMBER?

- JANET, I WON!
- YOU DID?

- YEAH!
- WHAT DID YOU WIN?



WHAT DID I WIN? ( gasps )

A WEEKEND IN PARADISE WITH
THE AMERICA'S GREATEST LOVER.

- ( giggles )
- GIVE ME THAT.

GET OFF THE PHONE, LARRY!

I'M SORRY, CINDY.
THAT WAS JUST LARRY

AND HE IS NO PRIZE.

THAT LARRY SURE
HAS A QUICK MIND.

NOT AS QUICK AS HIS HANDS.

( Jack sighs )

- Janet: HI, JACK.
- HI.

- Cindy: HI, JACK.
- HI.

HOW WAS YOUR FIRST DAY
AT THE SANDWICH SHOP?

- ( exhales sharply )
- OH, COME ON.

HOW TOUGH CAN IT BE
MAKING SANDWICHES?

NO, NO. I JUST HELPED THE NEW
TENANT UP WITH HER GROCERIES.

THREE BIG BAGS UP
THREE FLIGHTS OF STAIRS.

THREE BAGS OF GROCERIES?
SHE MUST BE RICH.

NO, NO. SHE'S A
SWEET, LITTLE THING.

- OLDER WOMAN, YOU KNOW.
- OLDER, HUH?

WHAT ARE WE TALKING, JACK, 22?

NO.

SHE MUST BE ALMOST 70. SHE
BARELY BEAT ME UP THE STAIRS.

( both laugh )

- YOU LOST ONE HERE.
- OH, THANKS.

SO HOW WAS EVERYTHING
AT THE SANDWICH SHOP?

OH, FRANTIC. THE GUY I'M WORKING
WITH KEPT GOING OUT FOR A SMOKE.

WHY DIDN'T YOU
COMPLAIN TO THE BOSS?

HE IS THE BOSS.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT
IT. YOU'LL GET USED TO IT.

BY TOMORROW NIGHT, YOU'RE GOING
TO THINK EVERYTHING'S WONDERFUL.

YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT
BECAUSE TOMORROW NIGHT,

- KATY WILLIAMS IS COMING OVER
FOR A LITTLE DIN-DIN.
- OH?

OH, I KNEW A KATY
WILLIAMS IN HIGH SCHOOL.

SHE WAS CAPTAIN OF
THE DEBATING TEAM.

N-NO, COULDN'T BE THE SAME ONE.

THIS KATY NEVER ARGUES,
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

- ( both chuckle )
- I GOTCHA.

YOU SURE DID.

JUST MAKE SURE THAT
BOTH OF YOU ARE LONG GONE

- WHEN CUTIE KATY
COMES A'CALLING TOMORROW.
- ( Janet laughs )

- ( doorbell rings )
- I'LL GET IT.

TELL US HOW LONG YOU
WANT TO BE ALONE WITH HER,

AND THEN WE'LL KNOW WHERE TO GO.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO HONG KONG?

( groans )

- HELLO.
- OH, HELLO. IS JACK TRIPPER HE...

- YES...
- OH, THERE YOU ARE.

HELLO, MRS. MOORE.

OH, HE WAS SUCH A
BIG HELP TO ME BEFORE.

SUCH A DEAR, SWEET, DARLING BOY.

( chuckles ) YES, WELL...

- THIS IS JANET.
- Both: HELLO.

- THIS IS CINDY.
- HOW DO YOU DO?

- GLAD TO MEET YOU.
- IS THERE ANYTHING
THAT WE COULD DO FOR YOU?

OH, NO. I JUST WANTED TO BRING
JACK A LITTLE "THANK YOU" PRESENT.

HOME-BAKED COOKIES, THREE KINDS.

- OH, MRS. MOORE, YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO DO...
- OH, CALL ME GLADYS.

- GLADYS.
- ( laughs ) "MRS." MAKES ME
FEEL LIKE AN OLD LADY.

- ( laughs )
- IS THAT THE KITCHEN?

- HELLO? UH...
- ( Jack chuckles )

YEAH, HELLO?

OH, DON'T LET ME
INTERRUPT YOUR VISIT.

OH, WE'RE NOT
VISITING. WE LIVE HERE.

- ALL THREE OF YOU?
- Janet: YES.

NO WONDER YOU GOT POOPED
CLIMBING THOSE STAIRS.

( Jack stammers ) UH, UH...

( stammers ) NO, UH, YEAH,
MRS. MOORE, EXCUSE ME,

GLADYS, UH, WE ARE
JUST GOOD FRIENDS.

OH, WELL YOU CALL
IT WHAT YOU WANT.

- ( Janet scoffs )
- NO, COME AND SIT DOWN.

- YES.
- I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I HOPE YOU'RE TAKING VITAMINS.

- NO, I DON'T BELIEVE IN...
- OH, WELL MAYBE YOU BETTER HAVE SOME MILK.

- OH, WELL, THAT'S FINE.
- YES... AND TRY

ONE OF MY WHOLE GRAIN COOKIES.

A LITTLE WHEAT GERM TO
GO WITH YOUR WILD OATS.

( both chuckle )

SEE, THE LIVING
ARRANGEMENT WE HAVE HERE

- IS STRICTLY PLATONIC.
- OH.

- DOES SHE THINK THAT WE...
- EXCUSE ME, CI...

- YOU BROKE MY BUTTON.
- NOW THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

- I CAN MATCH THAT.
- SHE RIPPED MY BUTTON.

- TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT.
- NO, IT'S ALL RIGHT.

NO, IT DOESN'T... ( laughs )

OH, IT'S JUST ONE BUTTON.

- YOU DON'T HAVE TO. IT'S AN OLD SHIRT.
- OH, NO.

- WHOO-HOO! NO, NO!
- BUT I HAVE A QUESTION.

WELL, I HAVE A WASHING
PRESS... YOU WON'T KNOW IT.

NOW, WHICH DO YOU LIKE?
ON HANGERS OR FOLDED?

NO, CAN I JUST
HAVE MY SHIRT BACK?

OH, YOU'LL GET QUICK DELIVERY.

- OH, GOOD.
- SIT DOWN. HERE, SIT DOWN.

NOW LET ME SEE...

- HAVE YOUR LITTLE MILK...
- MY LITTLE MILK.

- AND A COOKIE...
- A BIG COOKIE.

AND I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

♪ OH, YES SIR, THAT'S MY BABY ♪

♪ NO SIR... ♪

OKAY, WHICH ONE OF YOU ORDERED
THE LITTLE CUCUMBER FINGER SANDWICH

- WITH THE NUTMEG TEA?
- RIGHT HERE, MAC!

- I GUESS THIS IS YOURS.
- I GUESS SO.

- THERE YOU GO, THANKS.
- THANKS A LOT.

I'M GOING OUT FOR A SMOKE.
YOU TAKE CARE OF THINGS?

YOU CAN COUNT ON ME, BOSS.

( metal clangs )

MRS. MOORE...

OH, GLADYS, HI. WHAT
ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WELL, I JUST TOOK A LITTLE WALK

- AND HERE I AM.
- OH, GOOD.

- DID YOU GET YOUR SHIRT?
- YES, THANK YOU.

I JUST TOOK A CHANCE
YOU'D LIKE HEAVY STARCH.

YEAH.

SO, THAT'S WHY IT BROKE
WHEN I WAS PUTTING IT AWAY.

- ( glass clinks )
- WAITER, WOULD YOU PLEASE
TAKE OUR ORDER?

YES, EXC... I'M SORRY,
WE'RE VERY BUSY.

MAY I HELP YOU, MA'AM?

LET'S SEE, WHAT DID WE GET
THE LAST TIME WE WERE HERE?

PROBABLY HEARTBURN. ( laughing )

IT'S JUST... I WAS
JUST MAKING A, UM...

WHEW, JUST NOTHING.

SERIOUSLY, CAN I
TAKE YOUR ORDER?

( sighs ) WE'LL HAVE THE SOUP
AND SANDWICH COMBINATION.

OKAY, THANK YOU.

- GLADYS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- OH, WELL, YOU NEED HELP.

- BUT-BUT-BUT...
- NO, NOW YOU LADLE OUT THE SOUP

- AND I'LL MAKE
THE SANDWICHES.
- WAIT, GLADYS.

OH, WHO CARVED THIS ROAST BEEF?

IT'S THIN ENOUGH TO SEE THROUGH.

- HEY, COME HERE.
- MIND YOUR MANNERS!

THERE ARE OTHER
PEOPLE AHEAD OF YOU.

- BOSS, BOSS...
- TRIPPER, WHAT DID YOU DO,

GET YOUR MOMMY TO HELP YOU?

( stammers ) SHE'S NOT
MY MOMMY... MY MOTHER,

- SHE'S A CUSTOMER.
- A CUSTOMER?

WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M
RUNNING HERE, A SMORGASBORD?

- GET RID OF HER!
- I WAS JUST ABOUT TO, SIR. I'M SORRY.

( shouts ) TWO COMBOS, PICK UP!

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO THAT.

GLADYS, I'M AFRAID
YOU'LL HAVE TO LEAVE.

OH, WELL NO, NO. I
CAN STAY HERE ALL DAY.

NO, I WANT YOU TO GET
OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW.

OH, WELL, UH... I
CAN TAKE A HINT.

I... I WAS ONLY TRYING TO HELP.

WELL, LOOK. I
APPRECIATE IT, BUT IT'S...

OH, DON'T LOOK SO SAD.

COME ON, BEFORE I GO,
GIVE ME A NICE BIG SMILE.

OH, NO. A REAL
BIG ONE. ( laughs )

THAT'S IT.

THAT'S JUST THE
WAY MY SON LOOKED

WHEN HE KICKED ME
OUT OF THE HOUSE.

KATY'S GONNA LOVE THIS.

OKAY, COME ON, LET'S
GO! OUT, OUT, OUT!

- KATY'S GONNA BE HERE
IN ANY MINUTE.
- NAG, NAG, NAG.

I LEFT MY JIGSAW PUZZLE ON
THE COFFEE TABLE. IS THAT OKAY?

- FINE, FINE.
- BUT DON'T TOUCH IT.

- I WANT TO PUT IT TOGETHER.
- AWW!

THEN WHAT ARE KATY AND I
GOING TO DO ALL EVENING FOR FUN?

- OH, JACK.
- IT'S ALL RIGHT,
I'LL THINK OF SOMETHING.

- ( doorbell rings )
- THAT'S HER.

- YOU TWO ARE JUST
ON YOUR WAY OUT.
- Both: OKAY.

- HELLO.
- Jack: GLADYS!

SORRY WE CAN'T STAY.
WE'RE JUST ON OUR WAY OUT.

YOU CAN STAY! YOU CAN STAY!

- HAVE FUN YOU TWO.
- NO WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. YOU FORGOT, UH...

- TERRIFIC.
- OH.

LOOK, GLADYS, THERE'S
SOMETHING I'D LIKE TO TELL YOU.

OH, APOLOGY ACCEPTED.
NO HARD FEELINGS.

- ( stammers ) I'D LOVE TO VISIT...
- WELL, GOOD.

BUT I'M EXPECTING A GIRLFRIEND.

OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT
HER. SHE WON'T BOTHER US.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WELL, I MET HER DOWNSTAIRS...

OH, JACK, YOU SHOULD
HAVE SEEN HER.

I HAVE! I HAVE! WHERE IS SHE?

A SKIRT SLIT UP TO HERE.

BLOUSE DOWN TO HERE.

- AND CHEST OUT TO...
- THAT'S HER! WHERE DID SHE GO?

EVERYTHING ON DISPLAY.

NO ROMANCE, NO MYSTERY.

JACK, SHE'S NOT
THE GIRL FOR YOU.

( stammers ) WH...
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

I SENT HER AWAY.

HAVE MERCY. YOU DIDN'T,
YOU DIDN'T, YOU DIDN'T.

THAT GIRL COULD RUIN YOUR LIFE!

THAT WAS THE WHOLE IDEA!

YOU ARE BETTER OFF WITHOUT HER.

( yelps )

SHE'S GONE. I CAME SO CLOSE.

OH, JACK.

I HAVE JUST THE
PERFECT GIRL FOR YOU.

- SHE'S A LIBRARIAN.
- ( coughs )

A LITTLE ON THE HEAVY SIDE,

BUT LOTS OF FUN. ( chuckles )

WE'LL TALK ABOUT
HER OVER DINNER.

DINNER?

- OH, YES,
JUST THE TWO OF US.
- DINNER?

OH, THIS ISN'T COLD ENOUGH.

I'LL POUR IT IN A PITCHER
WITH SOME ICE CUBES.

WELL, THAT'S A BURGUNDY. IT
DOESN'T... THAT'S ALL RIGHT. I DON'T CARE.

A JIGSAW PUZZLE,
I JUST LOVE THEM.

( excited ) OH, AREN'T WE
GOING TO HAVE FUN TONIGHT?

( yelps )

OH, THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU REST. I'LL TAKE
CARE OF EVERYTHING.

ISN'T JACK SUPPOSED
TO BE HOME BY NOW?

YEAH, CINDY. I
WISH HE'D HURRY UP.

I AM ABSOLUTELY STARVING.

- YEAH, I'LL START DINNER.
- OKAY, THANKS.

NO! WE DON'T HAVE
THAT MANY DISHES!

- ( dishes shatter )
- OOH!

( both scream )

YOU ALMOST GAVE
ME A HEART ATTACK!

JUST RELAX! YOU
SCARED ME TO DEATH!

- JACK?
- YES!

( all scream )

I GOT IT! HUMPHREY
BOGART, RIGHT?

NO, I'M TRYING TO
HIDE FROM GLADYS.

IF SHE DOESN'T KNOW I'M HOME,
MAYBE SHE WON'T BOTHER ME.

- ( Janet scoffs )
- YOU KNOW WHAT
I'M TALKING ABOUT?

- AREN'T YOU OVER REACTING
A LITTLE?
- YEAH.

GLADYS SEEMS LIKE AN
AWFULLY SWEET LADY.

OH SURE, SHE'S AN AWFULLY
SWEET LADY ALL RIGHT.

AFTER WE ATE DINNER LAST NIGHT,

SHE WASHED ALL THE DISHES,
SHE CLEANED THE OVEN,

SHE EVEN TOOK HOME TWO PAIRS
OF MY PANTS TO MEND. ( laughs )

SHE'S DRIVING ME CRAZY! IT'S PEOPLE
LIKE HER THAT GIVE MOTHERS A BAD NAME.

- JACK, TAKE IT EASY.
- SHE'S RUINING MY LOVE LIFE.

- LAST NIGHT
WAS JUST THE BEGINNING.
- OH, COME ON, JACK.

- NOW, LET'S LOOK ON THE BRIGHT
SIDE OF THINGS.
- YEAH.

REALLY, YOU COULD HAVE
BOMBED OUT WITH KATY WILLIAMS.

THE ONLY GUY THAT EVER
BOMBED OUT WITH KATY WILLIAMS

WAS A GUY WHO LOST HER ADDRESS.

( doorbell rings )

- SAY I'M NOT HERE.
- Both: BUT JACK!

I WANT YOU TO GO TO THE DOOR,

- OPEN IT AND SAY,
"JACK'S NOT HERE!"
- JACK.

- HIDE ME. HIDE ME!
- OKAY.

- OW!
- SORRY.

JACK'S NOT HERE!

WELL, IN THAT CASE, THIS
COULD BE OUR LUCKY DAY.

- NO, I'M HERE.
- HE'S HERE. HE'S RIGHT HERE.

HEY, OLD BUDDY, LUCKY LARRY
HAS A STORY ABOUT LAST NIGHT

THAT'S GOING TO PUT THE PINK
BACK IN YOUR CHEEKS. ( chuckles )

AND IT MIGHT BRING
A BLUSH TO YOURS,

SO IF YOU TWO LITTLE GIRLS
WILL EXCUSE US FOR A MINUTE,

- GUY TALK HERE.
- Cindy: NO.

MY WHOLE LIFE I'VE BEEN
SENT OUT OF THE ROOM.

- I WANT TO LISTEN.
- NO, YOU DON'T.

- YOU MEAN IT'LL BE THAT BAD?
- THAT DULL.

- LARRY IS THE LAWRENCE WELK
OF STORYTELLERS.
- OH.

( mocking Lawrence Welk ) THANK
YOU, THANK YOU, LOVELY JANET.

THANK YOU SO MUCH, THE LOVELY
JANET, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

HEY, HEY, HEY, YOU OKAY, PAL?

YOU LOOK AS SHAKY AS THAT
'58 CHEVY I SOLD YESTERDAY.

NEVER MIND, LARRY. WHAT
HAPPENED LAST NIGHT?

IT STARTED OUT PRETTY TAME.

I HAD ARRANGED TO
SPEND THE WHOLE EVENING

WITH THIS MONTH'S
CENTERFOLD GIRL.

WHAT'S TAME ABOUT THAT?

AH, THERE'S JUST SO MUCH
YOU CAN DO WITH A PICTURE.

ANYWAY, I WAS COMING
BACK FROM THE NEWSSTAND,

I SAW THIS GORGEOUS, YOUNG THING
STANDING IN FRONT OF OUR APARTMENT.

- LAST NIGHT?
- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

SHE GOT STOOD UP OR SOMETHING.

LARRY... I DON'T THINK
I WANT TO HEAR THIS.

JUST TELL ME SHE WAS A
RED HEAD OR BRUNETTE

- OR SHE WAS VERY SHORT.
- NO, NO.

TALL LUSCIOUS
BLOND. ( inhales sharply )

- I KNEW I DIDN'T
WANT TO HEAR THIS.
- WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!

IT HAS A HAPPY ENDING. NEXT THING
I KNOW, WE'RE IN MY APARTMENT,

THE WHOLE EVENING IS GONE AND I
FELT AS IF I'D KNOWN HER ALL MY LIFE.

YOU TALKED A LOT, HUH?

- I DON'T EVEN KNOW
IF SHE SPEAKS ENGLISH.
- PERFECT.

BUT WAIT A SECOND,
HERE'S THE LUCKY PART.

KATY'S GOT THIS
MEAN, OLDER BROTHER...

- KATY?
- YES, NICE NAME
ISN'T IT?

I JUST DROPPED HER OFF
WHEN HER CRAZY BROTHER

STARTS CHASING AFTER MY CAR.

YELLING THAT HE KNOWS MY NAME.

SCREAMING THAT HE'S GOING
TO BE COMING AFTER ME.

ONLY IT WOULDN'T BE YOU HE'D
BE COMING AFTER, IT WOULD BE...

- THE POOR CHUMP SHE HAD
A DATE WITH LAST NIGHT.
- GOOD NIGHT.

HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, JACKO...

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE
NOT LOOKING SO GOOD.

YOU OUGHTA START SPENDING SOME
QUIET EVENINGS AT HOME FOR A CHANGE.

- I'LL SEE YOU LATER, BUDDY.
- HELP.

HELP... IN SERIOUS
TROUBLE HERE. HELP.

- ( chuckles ) JACK?
- HELP.

- ARE YOU OKAY?
- WHAT'S WRONG?

NO, THAT SWEET, LITTLE
OLD LADY HAS DONE IT.

FIRST SHE RUINS MY LIFE, AND
NOW SHE'S TRYING TO END IT.

- ( doorbell rings )
- Gladys: JACK!

- THAT'S HER
THAT'S HER.
- Janet: JACK.

OKAY, I KNOW WHY SHE'S HERE.

SHE WANTS TO GIVE ME A
HAIRCUT OR SOMETHING.

SAY I'M SICK,
OKAY? SAY I'M SICK.

JACK? OH, GOLLY, I WISH WE
COULD JUST TELL HER THE TRUTH.

- LET ME TRY.
- OKAY.

HI, GLADYS. I'M SORRY,
BUT JACK'S IN HIS ROOM.

HE'S BEEN EXPOSED TO
SOMETHING HE CAN'T GET RID OF

AND HE'S JUST ABOUT
OUT OF HIS HEAD.

- AND THAT'S THE TRUTH.
- OH MY GOD,

- I'M JUST IN TIME.
- OH, MRS. MOORE!

- I JUST...
- PLEASE? PLEASE?

- Gladys: JACK!
- Janet: MRS. MOORE...

- ( knocking )
- Gladys: JACK!

OH, THE POOR BOY NEEDS
ME. I'M GOING TO GO IN.

- JA...
- ( coughs )

OH, YOU POOR THING.

GLADYS IS HERE NOW AND
EVERYTHING'S GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT.

YOU BETTER LEAVE ME ALONE.
WHAT I'VE GOT IS AWFULLY CATCHY.

OH, I'VE HAD EVERYTHING ALREADY.

WHERE'S THE THERMOMETER?

AH, YOU'RE NOT PUTTING
ANYTHING IN MY MOUTH.

WELL, THAT'S NOT HOW
I TAKE A TEMPERATURE.

I PUT IT UNDER THE ARM.

WELL, SORRY, I'M
ALL OUT OF ARMS.

OH, HERE.

NO, NO FEVER. I WONDER
IF YOU HAVE A RASH.

( gasps ) WELL, YOU DIDN'T
EVEN GET UNDRESSED.

WELL, THAT'S IN CASE I HAVE TO
MAKE A DASH TO THE HOSPITAL.

OH, DON'T TALK LIKE THAT.

NOW, THE FIRST THING
WE'RE GOING TO DO

IS GET YOU IN YOUR
NICE, WARM JAMMIES.

YES, NOW, TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT,

- AND I'LL PULL OFF YOUR PANTS.
- NO, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

OH, NOW DON'T BE EMBARRASSED.

I'VE HAD A HUSBAND, A
SON. I'VE SEEN IT ALL BEFORE.

NO, GLADYS, LET GO!

WOULD YOU LEAVE ME ALONE?!

OH, WELL...

WHEN WE'RE SICK, WE'RE
ALWAYS A LITTLE IRRITABLE.

GLADYS, EVERY SINCE YOU'VE COME
HERE, YOU'VE BEEN DRIVING ME CRAZY.

JUST STAY AWAY FROM ME!

WELL, THAT'S JUST THE
WAY MY SON SOUNDED

WHEN I PAID A SURPRISE
VISIT TO HIM AND HIS WIFE.

ONLY TWO DAYS AND
HE JUST BLEW UP AT ME.

HE SAID I RUINED
THEIR HONEYMOON.

( stammers ) GLADYS, LOOK, I...

OH, WELL, NO...

NO, YOU DON'T HAVE
TO SAY ANYMORE.

I WON'T EVER BOTHER YOU AGAIN.

JACK?

HEY, COME ON.

YOU CAN'T SPEND THE REST OF YOUR
LIFE FEELING GUILTY ABOUT GLADYS.

YEAH, PEOPLE HER AGE ARE
USED TO BEING MISTREATED.

- YOU BETTER LET ME
DO THE CHEERING UP.
- OKAY.

JACK, COME ON. YOU
KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?

- WHAT?
- HAPPY HOUR DOWN
AT THE REAGLE BEAGLE.

WHY DON'T WE MOSEY ON DOWN THERE
AND DESTROY ALL THE HORS D'OEUVRES?

- I DON'T KNOW...
- JANET'S TREATING!

I AM? YEAH, I AM! COME ON.

- IN THAT CASE, OKAY.
- OKAY, GIVE US A SECOND
TO GET GORGEOUS.

- GIVE ME TWO SECONDS.
- ( doorbell rings )

I'LL GET IT.

- HI.
- KATY!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING... I
MEAN, COME IN, COME IN.

I JUST WENT TO SEE A FRIEND
UPSTAIRS, BUT HE'S NOT HOME.

DO YOU KNOW LARRY?

WHO, LARRY, SURE.

YEAH, WE BUMP INTO EACH
OTHER ONCE IN A LONG WHILE.

WELL, DO YOU KNOW
WHEN HE'LL BE BACK?

HOW, LARRY THE WORLD
TRAVELER? COULD BE WEEKS.

WEEKS, MONTHS, MONTHS, WEEKS.

COME IN, SIT DOWN AND
LET'S WAIT FOR HIM. OKAY?

DO YOU REALLY WANT ME TOO?

YOUR MOTHER TOLD
ME WHAT YOU SAID.

( stammers ) MY M-MM-MOT...
WHAT DID SHE SAY?

SHE SAID YOU DIDN'T THINK WE
WERE RIGHT FOR EACH OTHER.

( pants ) NO, NO, NO.

SHE MUST HAVE THOUGHT YOU
WERE ONE OF THE OTHER GIRLS.

- OTHER GIRLS?
- ( stammers ) WELL, SEE,

THERE'S THIS CRAZY
HORDE OF FEMALES.

THEY'RE VERY PUSHY. THEY'RE
FOLLOWING ME ALL OVER THE CITY.

TRYING TO GET INTO MY
APARTMENT. IT'S HORRIBLE.

JUST TO SEE YOU?

YEAH. I DON'T KNOW WHY
THEY FIND ME SO ATTRACTIVE.

WELL, LET'S SIT DOWN AND
SEE IF WE CAN FIND OUT.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. WAIT A SECOND.

- FIRST I WANT
TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING.
- AH-HA, I BET YOU DO.

COME HERE.

- HERE IT IS!
- THE KITCHEN?

WELL, IF YOU GET HUNGRY,
THERE'S THE STOVE

AND IF YOU GET THIRSTY,
THERE'S EL SINK-O. ( chuckles )

Janet: JACK, WHERE ARE YOU?

THAT'S MORE GIRLS. THEY MUST HAVE
COME THROUGH THE BATHROOM WINDOW.

YOU STAY HERE AND I'LL GO GET RID
OF THEM, OKAY? EXCUSE ME, I'LL BE BACK.

- Janet: HEY.
- HAVE FUN, GOOD BYE. TAKE CARE.

- WHAT?
- GO, GO, GO.

- YOU'RE COMING
WITH US, AREN'T YOU?
- NO, I JUST WANT TO BE ALONE!

BUT WE GOT ALL FIXED UP FOR YOU.

WHAT'S A GUY TO DO TO GET A
LITTLE PRIVACY AROUND HERE?

- JACK?
- I WANT TO BE ALONE. DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

OKAY, OKAY, WE UNDERSTAND.

COME ON, CINDY.

BOY.

( scoffs ) GOOD BYE.

AND DON'T THINK WE DON'T KNOW
ABOUT THE GIRL IN THE KITCHEN.

WOW!

- GROUPIES.
- ( chuckles )

AND YOU'RE NOT EVEN A ROCK STAR.

IT'S JUST MY CURSE.

( snaps )

I DON'T KNOW.
WHAT IS IT ABOUT ME?

I DON'T KNOW, BUT NOW
I'VE GOT TO FIND OUT.

- ( giggles )
- BE GENTLE.

OH, HI. EXCUSE ME, LADY,

I'M LOOKING FOR JACK TRIPPER.

TOP OF THE STAIRS,
APARTMENT 201.

- THANKS A LOT, LADY.
- YEAH.

( whistles )

EXCUSE ME, WHO WAS
THAT GUY LOOKING FOR?

- JACK TRIPPER.
- OH, NO.

WHY ARE YOU SO UPSET?

- I DON'T WANT ANYTHING
TO HAPPEN TO MY BEST FRIEND.
- OH.

HE OWES MY 50 BUCKS.

( knocking )

- WHAT'S THAT?
- JUST THE BEAT, BEAT,
BEAT OF MY HEART.

- TAKE YOUR HANDS
OFF OF MY SISTER!
- KENNY?

STAY OUT OF THIS! OKAY, TRIPPER.

I'M GOING TO TEACH YOU NOT TO FOOL
AROUND WITH AN INNOCENT, YOUNG GIRL.

KENNY, I'M 25 AND
I'M NOT INNOCENT.

OH, HEY, SHE'S RIGHT ABOUT THAT.

- WHAT?
- ( stammers ) ABOUT BEING 25.

LISTEN, YOU. NOW I
MISSED YOU LAST NIGHT.

BUT I GOT YOU NOW.

WAIT A MINUTE, MAN. I
WASN'T WITH YOUR SISTER!

- WELL, I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.
- WELL, THEN BELIEVE ME!

- WHO ARE YOU?
- WELL, WHO ARE YOU,

AND WHAT ARE YOU
DOING IN OUR APARTMENT?

Kenny: THIS IS YOUR APARTMENT?

YES, I LIVE HERE WITH MY SON.

I CAN'T LEAVE HIM
ALONE FOR A MINUTE

WITHOUT SOME GIRL BOTHERING HIM.

THANKS, MOM.

OKAY, SIS. NOW WHO'S
BEEN BOTHERING WHO?

I CAME TO SEE THE GUY I
HAD A DATE WITH LAST NIGHT,

- BUT HE WASN'T HOME.
- UH-HUH.

YOU SEE, MY JACKIE IS
PERFECTLY INNOCENT.

OKAY, I'M SORRY. I
GUESS IT'S MY MISTAKE.

YES, HE WAS JUST SITTING HERE
STUDYING FOR HIS BIBLE CLASS.

- MOM, WE'RE CLEAR. LET'S NOT OVER DO IT.
- OKAY.

I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.

I GUESS I GOT ALL
HER GUYS MIXED UP.

COME ON, SIS.

WE GOT TO FIND YOU
A DIFFERENT HOBBY.

- GLADYS, I GUESS
YOU SAVED MY NECK.
- I GUESS I DID.

I WANT TO APOLOGIZE.

WELL, WHO'S STOPPING YOU?

( both laugh )

- SORRY I CAN'T STAY. I BROUGHT YOU THIS.
- LARRY! HE LEFT.

- LEFT?
- RIGHT.

WELL, IT'S A GOOD THING FOR HIM.

I WOULD HAVE KNOCKED
THE GUY INTO LEFT FIELD.

EXCUSE ME, THE GAME IS OVER.

YEAH, WELL, IN THAT
CASE, I BETTER GO.

CAN YOU BELIEVE RUNNING UP
HERE JUST NOW, I RIPPED MY PANTS?

YOU POOR DEAR!

( telephone ringing )

HELLO?

Operator: I have a collect call
for anyone from Chrissy Snow.

- Will you
accept the charges?
- YES, OPERATOR, SURE.

- Go ahead.
- HELLO, CHRISSY. HOW'S YOUR MOM?

HI, SHE'S FINE, BUT JANET, YOU
WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO ACCEPT THE CALL.

- I WASN'T?
- NO.

THAT'S WHY I CALLED
COLLECT. IT'S A SIGNAL.

SEE, I CALL YOU COLLECT AND IF SOMEBODY
ANSWERS, THEN I KNOW YOU'RE HOME,

THEN I CALL RIGHT BACK
STATION TO STATION, IT'S CHEAPER.

YEAH, BUT IF YOU CALLED STATION
TO STATION IN THE FIRST PLACE,

AND THERE WASN'T ANY ANSWER,
YOU'D KNOW NOBODY WAS HOME, RIGHT?

YEAH, BUT THEN I'D
HAVE NOBODY TO TALK TO.

OKAY, CHRISSY. ( laughs )

YOU CALLED COLLECT, I
ACCEPTED THE CHARGES.

HERE WE ARE ON THE
PHONE, LET'S TALK.

About what?

I DON'T KNOW. YOU'RE
THE ONE WHO CALLED ME.

OH, YEAH.

- IS JACK HOME?
- Oh, no.

- OH, WILL YOU GIVE HIM
A MESSAGE FOR ME?
- Sure.

WILL YOU TELL HIM THE NEXT TIME I
CALL, I WANT HIM TO ANSWER, OKAY?

CHRISSY, HOW WILL
HE KNOW IT'S YOU?

LISTEN, IF HE DOESN'T
RECOGNIZE ME BY NOW,

THEN I DON'T WANT
TO TALK TO HIM AT ALL.

( indistinct chattering )

( theme music playing )

John Ritter: THREE'S COMPANY WAS
VIDEOTAPED IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.

( theme music playing )

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