Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 5, Episode 1 - Upstairs, Downstairs, Upstairs - full transcript
In an exhausting attempt to honor his word, Jack attempts to cook dinner and dine with a vivacious French woman in Larry's apartment. A nurse he made a date with in his own apartment and also have dinner with the girls down in Mr. Furley's apartment. He ends up having to run himself ragged to be present at each.
( theme song playing )
♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪
♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪
♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪
♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪
♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE
HERS AND HERS AND HIS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪
♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪
♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
♪ WE'VE A LOVEABLE SPACE
THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ THREE IS COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ THREE IS COMPANY TOO. ♪
Larry: JACK? JACK?
IN HERE.
- JACK, I GOT A FAVOR
TO ASK OF YOU.
- WHAT?
I GOTTA RUN UP TO
FRISCO ON LEGAL BUSINESS.
- LEGAL BUSINESS?
- YEAH, FOR THE CAR LOT.
A BREACH-OF-PROMISE SUIT
BETWEEN ME AND THIS YOUNG LADY.
YOU PROMISE TO MARRY
HER IF SHE BOUGHT A CAR?
WORSE: I PROMISED HER IF SHE
BOUGHT A CAR, IT WOULD RUN.
I'D APPRECIATE IT IF YOU'D
LOOK AFTER MY PLANTS.
MAYBE TALK TO THEM.
THEY'D LIKE THAT.
NO PROBLEM, LARRY, I'LL JUST
TURN ON THE OLD TRIPPER CHARM,
USUALLY RESERVED FOR
THE SPECIAL WOMEN IN MY LIFE.
I SAID, "TALK," JACK, NOT "BEG."
WELL, DON'T YOU WORRY.
YOU WON'T GO BEGGIN' TONIGHT.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?
I HAVE ARRANGED FOR
YOU TO MAKE DINNER
FOR THE MOST BEAUTIFUL
WOMAN YOU HAVE EVER SEEN.
- WHAT DO YOU SAY?
- NO, LARRY, I CAN'T.
FOR A SECOND, I
THOUGHT YOU SAID, "NO."
I DID... JANET AND
CHRISSY WOULD KILL ME.
YOU LOST ME, JACK.
FOR THE LAST THREE NIGHTS, I HAVE
HAD THREE DIFFERENT GIRLS UP HERE.
THREE GIRLS IN THREE NIGHTS?
YOU'LL BE DEAD BEFORE JANET
AND CHRISSY CAN KILL YOU.
I KNOW, BUT I'VE
USED EVERY EXCUSE
IN THE BOOK TO GET THEM
OUT OF THIS APARTMENT.
I'VE BEEN MANIPULATIVE,
DECEITFUL, AND UNDERHANDED.
JACK, I'M PROUD OF YOU.
I'M SERIOUS, I GOTTA
MAKE IT UP TO 'EM.
I EVEN CANCELED MY DATE
WITH DOREEN MAXWELL TONIGHT.
YOU SAID NO TO THE
GIRL WHO CAN'T SAY NO?
THAT'S RIGHT.
I CALLED, AND I
CANCELED THE DATE.
I PROMISED JANET AND
CHRISSY A SPECIAL DINNER,
AND I'M GONNA KEEP THAT PROMISE.
YOU SHOULD... THEY CAN
HAVE DINNER TOMORROW NIGHT.
YOU CAN HAVE
DESSERT TONI-I-IGHT.
( groans ) I CAN'T!
COME ON, JACK! YOU'VE GOT TO.
SHE'S MY BOSS'S NIECE,
AND IF SHE DOESN'T HAVE
A NICE TIME TONIGHT,
IT'LL REALLY UPSET ME.
LARRY, I NEVER KNEW
YOU WERE SO SENSITIVE.
YEAH, THE LAST TIME I GOT
FIRED, IT UPSET ME FOR WEEKS.
Woman: Hello?
HELLO, DENISE? C'EST
MOI, LARRY. SHE'S FRENCH.
HOLD ON ONE SECOND FOR JACK.
WAIT A MINUTE, NO...
CHRISSY AND JANET... HELLO.
Hello, Jacques?
OUI. SHE IS FRENCH.
I MEAN, YES, THIS IS JACQUES...
JERK, JERK... JACK, JACK, JACK!
We are getting
together tonight, yes?
WELL, ACTUALLY, SEE...
Oh, I am looking
forward to it so much.
Larry said you
would get me excited.
HE WHAT? WHAT?
I get so excited
about a good meal.
In my country, a great chef is
the second-best
thing you can be.
WHAT'S THE FIRST?
A great lover, of
course. ( giggles )
OF COURSE. ( mouthing words )
HOW SOON CAN YOU GET UP HERE?
Right away. Au revoir.
AU REVOIR. ( moans )
WHAT A VOICE, WHAT A LAUGH.
WHAT HAVE I DONE?
I PROMISED JANET...
DON'T WORRY, JACK.
YOU WON'T REGRET THIS.
SHE'S REALLY FANTASTIC LOOKING?
DENISE? IT'S HARD TO
SAY. I'VE NEVER MET HER.
WAIT, LARRY, LARRY...
( imitates French accent ) THANK
HEAVEN FOR LITTLE GIRLS!
( whistles "La Marseillaise" )
- HI, LARRY.
- HI, LARRY.
GIRLS, I HAVE SOMETHING
I'D LIKE TO ASK YOU.
- YEAH, WHAT?
- YES, JACK?
UH, HOW WAS YOUR DAY?
FINE, THANKS.
YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE MINE. I AM
LUCKY TO STILL HAVE A JOB, JACK.
YEAH?
YES, I GOT TWO IMPORTANT
ORDERS MIXED UP.
I ENDED UP SENDING THIS
GIANT "REST IN PEACE" BOUQUET
TO A HONEYMOON SUITE.
THAT COULD BE A
LITTLE INAPPROPRIATE.
NOT AS INAPPROPRIATE AS SENDING
"GOOD LUCK IN YOUR
NEW LIFE" TO A FUNERAL.
JANET, I CAN SEE HOW,
AFTER A DAY LIKE THAT,
YOU WOULDN'T BE IN A
MOOD FOR A HEAVY DINNER.
ARE YOU KIDDING?
JACK, THE ONLY THING THAT
GOT ME THROUGH THIS AFTERNOON
WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO
DINNER WITH MY TWO BEST FRIENDS.
- WELL, I HAD A TERRIFIC DAY!
- Jack: DID YA?
STEVE AND KATHY HAD TICKETS
FOR THE EAGLES CONCERT.
THEY ASKED JANET AND I TO GO.
FANTASTIC! YOU'D
BETTER GET READY.
- WHAT? FOR WHAT?
- THE EAGLES CONCERT.
- I'M NOT GOING.
- YOU TURNED DOWN THE TICKETS?
I CAN SEE THE EAGLES ANY TIME.
I'VE BEEN LOOKING FORWARD
TO THIS DINNER ALL DAY!
FORGET ABOUT
DINNER! THINK OF JANET.
LOOK AT THAT FACE,
HOW DISAPPOINTED SHE IS.
NO, IT'S NOT DISAPPOINTMENT,
JACK, IT'S HUNGER.
- WHAT'S FOR DINNER?
- IT SURE SMELLS GOOD.
I HAVEN'T STARTED COOKING YET.
YOU'D BETTER GET STARTED SO
YOU CAN CATCH UP WITH THE SMELL.
IN THE MEANTIME, I'M
GONNA FRESHEN UP.
YEAH, ME TOO.
JACK, SOMETIMES
YOU CAN BE SO SWEET.
DENISE, DENISE, DENISE.
DENISE, D-E-N...
WHAT AM I DOING?
( doorbell rings )
- JACQUES?
- DENISE?
- OUI. - WOW! NO... WHAT?
EXCUSE ME, YOU CAN'T
HAVE DINNER HERE TONIGHT.
- NO?
- NO, I'M SORRY.
THERE WAS A... WHAT HAPPENED...
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- ( whimpering )
DON'T CRY, PLEASE.
HEY, DON'T CRY.
( whimpering ) YOU
DON'T LIKE ME.
( growls ) OH, THAT'S NOT TRUE!
IT WAS A MISTAKE,
THIS... THIS "BALD DATE."
NO, THAT'S "BLIND
DATE." PLEASE DON'T CRY.
WHAT, DID YOU THINK WE WEREN'T
GONNA HAVE DINNER TOGETHER...
HUH?
WELL, IT'S WHAT YOU SAID.
NO, I SAID WE WEREN'T
GOING TO HAVE DINNER HERE.
'CAUSE, SEE, MY ROOMMATE'S SICK.
OH, WELL, THEN, WHERE
ARE WE HAVING DINNER?
UH, HOW ABOUT UPSTAIRS,
IN LARRY'S APARTMENT?
NOW, YOU TAKE
THIS. IT'S NUMBER 304.
TAKE THIS KEY AND GO UPSTAIRS,
FIX YOURSELF A DRINK,
AND I'LL GET DINNER READY.
OKAY. OH, JACQUES.
YOU MUST THINK I
AM JUST A BIG BABY.
( imitates baby talk ) NO.
JACK, WHO WERE YOU
TALKING TO OUT THERE?
OH, THAT WAS LARRY.
STRANGEST THING.
HE CAME DOWN WITH ASIAN
FLU. I SENT HIM UP TO BED.
REALLY? WE SAW
HIM. HE LOOKED FINE.
Chrissy: YEAH.
ON THE OUTSIDE, YEAH, BUT ON
THE INSIDE, HE'S A RAGING EPIDEMIC.
LISTEN, I THINK I'LL
GO PUT THE CHOPS ON.
WHAT CAN WE DO?
UH, OPEN THE WINE.
FOOD. MORE FOOD.
HAMBURGERS.
( mutters )
CAN I HELP?
( yelps ) NO...
WELL, IN THAT CASE, MAYBE
I'LL TAKE A TRAY UP TO LARRY.
I THOUGHT OF THAT, AND I
PREPARED HORS D'OEUVRES.
- I'M GONNA TAKE THESE UP.
- EGG ROLLS?!
I TOLD YOU, HE
HAS THE ASIAN FLU.
JACK...
JACK, DOES RED WINE
GO WITH LAMB CHOPS,
OR DOES WHITE WINE
GO WITH LAMB CHOPS,
OR DOES RED TASTE BETTER, BUT
WHITE'S WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE?
OR IS IT THE OTHER
WAY AROUND, OR BOTH?
YES.
THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.
DENISE!
I WAS JUST LOOKING
AT LARRY'S PICTURES.
HE'S QUITE A LADY'S MAN, NO?
WELL, I HAVE GIVEN
HIM A FEW POINTERS.
I CAN'T STAND PLAYBOYS.
AS I SAID, I'VE TRIED
TO STRAIGHTEN HIM OUT.
I THINK YOU'RE THE KIND OF GUY
WHO COULD ONLY BE
WITH ONE WOMAN AT A TIME.
H-H-HOW CAN YOU TELL THAT?
BY LOOKING IN YOUR FACE.
YOU HAVE SUCH HONEST EYES.
- HORS D'OEUVRE?
- YEAH, THANK YOU.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK. I HAVE TO SEE
ABOUT DINNER. ( imitates French accent )
HEY, JANET, I WAS JUST THINKING.
- WE ARE SO LUCKY.
- HAVING A ROOMMATE LIKE JACK?
YEAH, WHAT A NICE GUY.
HE STAYS HOME ON FRIDAY
NIGHT TO COOK DINNER,
THEN GOES TO TAKE
CARE OF HIS FRIEND.
HI.
WHAT?
- WHAT WAS THAT FOR?
- JUST FOR BEING YOU.
SIT DOWN AND RELAX.
CHRISSY AND I'LL SET THE TABLE.
JACK, YOU'RE REALLY SOMETHING.
OH, CHRISSY, THANKS.
SO FAR, SO GOOD.
( doorbell rings )
DENISE! NO.
OH, DOREEN. FOR A
MOMENT, I THOUGHT...
WHAT'RE YOU DOING HERE?
- I'M HERE FOR DINNER, JACK.
- NO, YOU'RE NOT!
( door slams )
( Doreen pounding
on door ) JACK!
SHH!
WHY DID YOU SLAM
THE DOOR IN MY FACE?
I HAVE A SICK ROOMMATE.
GERMS WERE ON THEIR WAY OUT.
- WHAT?!
- CAN I SPEAK TO YOU
FOR A SECOND?
WE CAN'T HAVE DINNER
TOGETHER TONIGHT.
DIDN'T YOUR SERVICE
TELL YOU I CALLED?
NO, I DIDN'T CHECK
BEFORE I LEFT WORK.
( sighs )
JACK, ARE YOU SEEING
ANOTHER WOMAN?
( laughs ) ANOTHER WOMAN?
PERISH THE THOUGHT!
I TOLD YOU, IT'S MY ROOMMATE.
YOU DIDN'T TELL ME
YOU HAD A ROOMMATE.
I HAVE A ROOMMATE.
HE HAPPENS TO BE SICK.
UH, CONGESTED, UH, CHEST.
JACK, I'M A NURSE.
HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN?
YES, I DID... NO! NO, I DIDN'T.
OF COURSE, NURSE DOREEN.
THERE'S A DRUGSTORE
FIVE MINUTES FROM HERE.
LET ME PICK UP SOME MENTHOL.
NO, IT'S TOO MUCH TROUBLE.
DON'T WORRY, AFTER I'M DONE
TAKING CARE OF YOUR ROOMMATE,
THEN I'LL HAVE ALL NIGHT
JUST TO TAKE CARE OF YOU.
( moans )
CAN I SPEAK TO
YOU FOR JUST A S...
MR. FURLEY!
( grunts, blows out )
THERE, THAT OUGHTA HOLD IT.
( doorbell rings )
- JUST A MINUTE.
- ( doorbell rings )
HOLD YOUR HORSES!
- MR. FURLEY?
- JACK, I'M VERY BUSY.
I KNOW HOW BUSY YOU ARE, MAKING
WOMEN FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU.
I TOLD YOU, I...
WHAT?! WHAT WOMEN?
CHRISSY AND JANET. YOU'VE
MADE THEM FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU.
I DON'T REMEMBER THAT.
COME ON, MR. FURLEY,
DON'T ACT INNOCENT.
YOU'VE SEEN IT BEFORE.
THE HEART OF A
IMPRESSIONABLE, YOUNG WOMAN,
TURNED ON BY A MATURE
AND SUCCESSFUL MAN
AT THE HEIGHT OF HIS VIRILITY.
BUT THAT'S RIDICULOUS!
I'M OLD ENOUGH TO BE
THEIR... OLDER BROTHER.
THEY ARE UPSTAIRS,
RIGHT NOW, PINING AWAY.
THEY'VE STOPPED
SEEING YOUNGER MEN.
IT'S THAT CLASSIC
MAY-DECEMBER ROMANCE.
NOW WAIT A MINUTE. I'M
NOT A DAY OVER OCTOBER!
YOU'RE TAKING THIS LIGHTLY!
NO, NO, I'M NOT! I'M NOT.
I BETTER TALK TO 'EM BEFORE
THEY THROW THEIR LIVES AWAY.
THE PHONE IS QUICKER. HURRY
UP! NOT A SECOND TO LOSE!
( phone ringing )
Chrissy: JACK?
HELLO? OH, HI, MR. FURLEY.
YOU WANT US TO COME DOWN
TO YOUR APARTMENT RIGHT NOW?
BUT WE WERE JUST
ABOUT TO HAVE DINNER.
HEY, WHERE WERE YOU?
I WAS WORRIED ABOUT LARRY.
- OH, JACK,
YOU ARE JUST TOO MUCH.
- WHO WAS THAT, CHRISSY?
MR. FURLEY WANTS US TO
COME DOWN RIGHT AWAY.
HE SOUNDED SO STRANGE.
HE IS STRANGE.
- YES, BUT THIS IS DIFFERENT.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
MAYBE I SHOULDN'T SAY ANYTHING.
TELL US, TELL US!
OKAY, MR. FURLEY IS
EXTREMELY DEPRESSED.
WHY?
IT'S HIS 50th BIRTHDAY,
AND HE'S IN HIS APARTMENT,
FEELING ALL ALONE,
UNLOVED, UNWANTED.
OH, THAT'S TERRIBLE.
WE SHOULD DO SOMETHING.
LIKE TAKING OUR DINNER
DOWNSTAIRS AND SURPRISING HIM?
YEAH, SOMETHIN' LIKE
THAT. YOU GOT ANY IDEAS?
HOW ABOUT THAT ONE?
WHAT ONE?
TAKING OUR DINNER DOWNSTAIRS.
OH, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
HERE, WHY DON'T YOU
TAKE THIS, CHRISSY?
JANET, TAKE THIS. I'LL BRING
THE REST OF THE DINNER DOWN.
THAT'LL GIVE US A
CHANCE TO CHEER HIM UP.
BUT DON'T MENTION HIS BIRTHDAY.
I DON'T WANT HIM TO THINK
THAT'S THE REASON YOU'RE THERE.
RIGHT, JACK. GOOD THINKING!
( wails ) NO TIME FOR THE PAIN.
FOOD, MORE FOOD. MORE FOOD.
- CHRISSY?
- HI.
- JANET?
- HI, MR. FURLEY.
UH, WHAT'S THAT?
WE THOUGHT WE'D
HAVE DINNER WITH YOU.
YEAH, WE THOUGHT,
SINCE YOU NEVER INVITE US,
IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA
IF WE MADE THE FIRST MOVE.
THE FIRST MOVE?!
YEAH, AND IT'S NOT GONNA
BE JUST DINNER, EITHER.
IT ISN'T?
NOPE, WE THOUGHT, AFTER DINNER,
WE COULD HAVE SOME FUN TOGETHER.
WHAT?!
OH, JACK, MMM! IT SMELLS GREAT.
ACTUALLY, THIS IS FOR MY
UPSTAIRS NEIGHBOR. HE HAS THE FLU.
IT MUST BE CATCHY. RUN UPSTAIRS,
AND I'LL CHECK ON YOUR ROOMMATE.
NO, NO, NO, NO! LET ME DO THAT.
WOULD YOU BELIEVE
IT? SLEEPING LIKE A BABY.
DOREEN, HAVE A LITTLE
WINE, AND I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
I'M GIVING YOU TWO MINUTES,
THEN I'M COMING TO GET YOU.
I WOULDN'T DO THAT...
A MINUTE 59, A
MINUTE 58, A MINUTE 57.
JACQUES.
A MINUTE 52. HERE, HOLD THIS.
( murmuring )
ALL RIGHT, ALL SET
FOR A LITTLE DINNER.
HERE WE GO. ( pants )
JACQUES...
LET'S NOT WASTE THIS
MAGIC MOMENT WITH WORDS.
LET'S EAT!
WAIT, WHERE'S YOUR PLATE?
MM-MM, I THOUGHT IT
WOULD BE MORE ROMANTIC
IF WE BOTH ATE OUT OF
THE SAME DISH. ( moans )
JACQUES, DO YOU
WANT TO SAY ANYTHING?
OH, YEAH, RIGHT.
DEAR LORD, THANK YOU FOR
WHAT WE ARE ABOUT TO EAT.
DON'T YOU WANT TO KNOW WHO I AM,
WHERE I COME FROM,
WHAT I DREAM OF?
NO.
WHAT? JACK, WHY ARE
YOU ACTING THIS WAY?
SILLY ME, I FORGOT
THE BROCCOLI. ( laughs )
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
HERE. BON APPÉTIT.
AND THAT'S WHY OLD IS OLD,
AND YOUNG IS YOUNG,
AND BEAUTY IS IN THE
EYE OF THE BEHOLDER.
ARE YOU FOLLOWING
ANY OF WHAT I'M SAYING?
YOU ARE SO HANDSOME
FOR A MAN YOUR AGE.
WELL, I KNOW, BUT
THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT.
BOY, WHEN JACK
SAID HE WAS FEELING
UNLOVED AND UNWANTED,
HE WASN'T KIDDING.
I DON'T NEED ANY COMPLICATIONS
IN MY LIFE, AND NEITHER DO YOU!
MR. FURLEY...
MR. FURLEY, COME ON.
IT IS NOT COMPLICATED.
IT'S VERY SIMPLE.
- YEAH, WE LOVE YOU.
- WHAT?
- AND WE WANNA MAKE YOU HAPPY.
- NOW, WAIT A MINUTE...
VERY HAPPY.
STAY AWAY FROM ME! I
DON'T WANNA BE HAPPY.
- Both: MR. FURLEY...
- I'LL SCREAM!
WHERE ARE YOU GOIN' NOW?
- UP TO LARRY.
- AGAIN?
WELL, YOU KNOW, STARVE
A FEVER, STUFF A COLD.
MR. FURLEY, YOU'RE VERY TENSE.
JUST SIT DOWN. RELAX.
BUT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
ISN'T THIS BETTER?
OH, YEAH. NO!
- WAIT!
- LEMME TRY. CLOSE YOUR EYES...
DINNER IS SERVED.
JACK, AM I GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
YOU WEREN'T WHISTLING "DIXIE."
THESE GIRLS ARE CRAZY ABOUT ME.
AFTER ALL, THEY'RE ONLY HUMAN.
MR. FURLEY, SIT THERE. CHRISSY,
JANET, SIT NEXT TO MR. FURLEY.
NO, YOU GIRLS SIT OVER
THERE. JACK, YOU SIT NEXT TO ME.
- I'D LOVE TO, BUT I CAN'T...
- SIT!
WHAT IS THIS? I THOUGHT
WE WERE HAVING LAMB.
WE ARE.
WHAT DO YOU CALL THESE?
LAMBURGERS? ( laughs )
- AS A MATTER OF FACT, YES.
- THEY'RE GOOD.
( out of breath ) INTERESTING
THING ABOUT LAMBURGERS:
EITHER THEY'RE VERY GOOD OR
VERY BA-A-A-A-A-AD. ( imitates lamb )
GET IT? LAMB? BA-A-A-AD.
I'M GONNA GO GET DESSERT.
FORGET DESSERT.
YOU'RE STAYING HERE TILL AFTER
DINNER, RIGHT NEXT TO MY SIDE.
( imitating feminine manner
) WELL, IF YOU INSIST.
YOU MIND IF I JUST TAKE A
NIBBLE OFF OF YOURS, MR. F.?
ISN'T THIS TO DIE FOR? WHY, MR. FURLES,
YOU'VE GOT A CRUMB ON YOUR LIP.
LEMME GET THAT FOR YOU.
I'LL WIPE MY OWN
MOUTH, THANK YOU.
I WAS ONLY TRYING TO HELP!
- I THOUGHT YOU WERE
GONNA GET DESSERT?
- I'M GONE!
SO THERE YOU ARE.
JACK, ARE WE, OR ARE WE NOT,
GOING TO HAVE DINNER TONIGHT?
( panting )
DINNER... COMING... NOW.
( moaning )
( panting )
JACK, IF A POET EXPRESSES
HIS FEELINGS THROUGH WORDS,
I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE
HOW A CHEF LIKE
YOU EXPRESSES HIS.
( panting )
HOT DOGS?
( phone ringing )
I GOTTA GET THE
PHONE. EXCUSE ME.
HELLO?
HI. NO, DON'T COME UP.
I'LL COME DOWN. I'LL COME...
- JACK, WHAT'S GOING ON?
- IT'S LARRY, UP.
AGAIN?
HE'S FEVERISH. HE
WANTS BROCCOLI.
MR. FURLEY! MR. FURLEY...
ARE YOU TRYING TO HIDE FROM US?
PLEASE COME OUT.
I'M NOT SETTING FOOT OUT
THERE TILL JACK COMES BACK!
GREAT, WHO KNOWS
WHEN THAT'LL BE.
HE MIGHT'VE GONE
TO CHECK ON LARRY.
MAYBE WE SHOULD, TOO.
CHRISSY, AREN'T YOU WORRIED ABOUT
EXPOSING YOURSELF TO HIS GERMS?
IF I CARE ABOUT SOMEBODY, I
DON'T MIND EXPOSING MYSELF.
( door slams )
MR. FURLEY!
IF YOU WON'T COME OUT,
WE'RE GONNA GO SEE LARRY.
GOOD, GIVE ME A CALL WHEN
YOU GET TO SAN FRANCISCO.
SAN FRANCISCO?
YEAH, THAT'S WHERE LARRY
WENT FOR THE WEEKEND.
BOY, THAT WAS GOOD.
MMM, I'M READY FOR DESSERT.
- HOW ABOUT YOU?
- WELL...
THE CHOCOLATE MOUSSE PIE?
CHOCOLATE MOU... THE
CHOCOLATE MOUSSE PIE!
I'LL BE BACK IN A FLASH.
EXCUSE ME.
- JACK, JACK!
- JACK, WE WANNA TALK TO YOU!
WHO ARE YOU?
- WHO ARE WE?
- WHO ARE YOU?
YEAH.
I'LL BE BACK IN A
SECOND, DOREEN.
CHRISSY, JANET.
GOOD, YOU'RE ALL HERE.
I WAS JUST ABOUT TO EXPLAIN.
UH, YOU SEE,
DOREEN, THIS IS JANET,
AND THIS IS...
- CHRISSY!
- CHRISSY.
THEY'RE MY ROOMMATES.
I PROMISED THEM DINNER, BUT
I ALSO PROMISED YOU DINNER.
- I TRIED
TO CALL YOU, DIDN'T I?
- WELL, YOU SAID...
I HAD TO MAKE DINNER
FOR HER, BUT ALSO FOR YOU.
I MADE DINNER FOR HER AND YOU.
SO YOU SEE, I WENT
TO ALL THIS TROUBLE
TO MAKE DINNER
FOR YOU THREE GIRLS.
JACQUES?
MAKE THAT, FOUR GIRLS.
UH, SEE, HERE'S WHERE
THE EXPLANATION
BECOMES A LITTLE
MORE COMPLICATED...
SEE, WHAT HAPPENED IS,
LARRY, MY FRIEND LARRY, UH...
LARRY, UH, LARRY ASKED
ME TO DO A FAVOR FOR HIM...
I WANTED TO DO A
FAVOR FOR LARRY, AND...
ACTUALLY, LARRY ASKED ME IF I
WOULDN'T MIND HELPING HIM OUT...
SO THEN WHAT HAPPENED WAS...
I THOUGHT OF A WAY TO BRING
THE GIRLS TO THEIR SENSES.
JUST TELLING JANET AND
CHRISSY THAT I'M TOO OLD FOR 'EM,
THAT WON'T WORK.
I'VE GOTTA SHOW 'EM I'M OLD.
SO HERE'S MY PLAN:
I'M GONNA DYE MY
HAIR REAL WHITE,
AND GET SOME BIFOCAL LENSES,
REAL THICK, I CAN HARDLY SEE THROUGH,
THEN A CANE, AND I'LL
WALK BENT OVER LIKE THIS.
WAIT'LL YOU HEAR THIS!
I'M GONNA GET A ROCKING
CHAIR, AND I'M RENTING AN OLD CAT,
TO ROCK WITH ME, THEN THEY'LL
HAVE TO BE CONVINCED I'M OLD.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT,
IT WON'T WORK.
I'M JUST TOO SEXY.
THAT'S MY PROBLEM.
THAT'S MY CURSE. I'M
SORRY. THANKS FOR HELPING.
ANY TIME.
I'LL TELL YOU, JACK,
YOU'RE A SLOPPY EATER.
( theme song playing )
John Ritter: THREE'S COMPANY WAS
VIDEOTAPED IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.
( theme music playing )
♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪
♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪
♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪
♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪
♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE
HERS AND HERS AND HIS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪
♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪
♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
♪ WE'VE A LOVEABLE SPACE
THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ THREE IS COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ THREE IS COMPANY TOO. ♪
Larry: JACK? JACK?
IN HERE.
- JACK, I GOT A FAVOR
TO ASK OF YOU.
- WHAT?
I GOTTA RUN UP TO
FRISCO ON LEGAL BUSINESS.
- LEGAL BUSINESS?
- YEAH, FOR THE CAR LOT.
A BREACH-OF-PROMISE SUIT
BETWEEN ME AND THIS YOUNG LADY.
YOU PROMISE TO MARRY
HER IF SHE BOUGHT A CAR?
WORSE: I PROMISED HER IF SHE
BOUGHT A CAR, IT WOULD RUN.
I'D APPRECIATE IT IF YOU'D
LOOK AFTER MY PLANTS.
MAYBE TALK TO THEM.
THEY'D LIKE THAT.
NO PROBLEM, LARRY, I'LL JUST
TURN ON THE OLD TRIPPER CHARM,
USUALLY RESERVED FOR
THE SPECIAL WOMEN IN MY LIFE.
I SAID, "TALK," JACK, NOT "BEG."
WELL, DON'T YOU WORRY.
YOU WON'T GO BEGGIN' TONIGHT.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?
I HAVE ARRANGED FOR
YOU TO MAKE DINNER
FOR THE MOST BEAUTIFUL
WOMAN YOU HAVE EVER SEEN.
- WHAT DO YOU SAY?
- NO, LARRY, I CAN'T.
FOR A SECOND, I
THOUGHT YOU SAID, "NO."
I DID... JANET AND
CHRISSY WOULD KILL ME.
YOU LOST ME, JACK.
FOR THE LAST THREE NIGHTS, I HAVE
HAD THREE DIFFERENT GIRLS UP HERE.
THREE GIRLS IN THREE NIGHTS?
YOU'LL BE DEAD BEFORE JANET
AND CHRISSY CAN KILL YOU.
I KNOW, BUT I'VE
USED EVERY EXCUSE
IN THE BOOK TO GET THEM
OUT OF THIS APARTMENT.
I'VE BEEN MANIPULATIVE,
DECEITFUL, AND UNDERHANDED.
JACK, I'M PROUD OF YOU.
I'M SERIOUS, I GOTTA
MAKE IT UP TO 'EM.
I EVEN CANCELED MY DATE
WITH DOREEN MAXWELL TONIGHT.
YOU SAID NO TO THE
GIRL WHO CAN'T SAY NO?
THAT'S RIGHT.
I CALLED, AND I
CANCELED THE DATE.
I PROMISED JANET AND
CHRISSY A SPECIAL DINNER,
AND I'M GONNA KEEP THAT PROMISE.
YOU SHOULD... THEY CAN
HAVE DINNER TOMORROW NIGHT.
YOU CAN HAVE
DESSERT TONI-I-IGHT.
( groans ) I CAN'T!
COME ON, JACK! YOU'VE GOT TO.
SHE'S MY BOSS'S NIECE,
AND IF SHE DOESN'T HAVE
A NICE TIME TONIGHT,
IT'LL REALLY UPSET ME.
LARRY, I NEVER KNEW
YOU WERE SO SENSITIVE.
YEAH, THE LAST TIME I GOT
FIRED, IT UPSET ME FOR WEEKS.
Woman: Hello?
HELLO, DENISE? C'EST
MOI, LARRY. SHE'S FRENCH.
HOLD ON ONE SECOND FOR JACK.
WAIT A MINUTE, NO...
CHRISSY AND JANET... HELLO.
Hello, Jacques?
OUI. SHE IS FRENCH.
I MEAN, YES, THIS IS JACQUES...
JERK, JERK... JACK, JACK, JACK!
We are getting
together tonight, yes?
WELL, ACTUALLY, SEE...
Oh, I am looking
forward to it so much.
Larry said you
would get me excited.
HE WHAT? WHAT?
I get so excited
about a good meal.
In my country, a great chef is
the second-best
thing you can be.
WHAT'S THE FIRST?
A great lover, of
course. ( giggles )
OF COURSE. ( mouthing words )
HOW SOON CAN YOU GET UP HERE?
Right away. Au revoir.
AU REVOIR. ( moans )
WHAT A VOICE, WHAT A LAUGH.
WHAT HAVE I DONE?
I PROMISED JANET...
DON'T WORRY, JACK.
YOU WON'T REGRET THIS.
SHE'S REALLY FANTASTIC LOOKING?
DENISE? IT'S HARD TO
SAY. I'VE NEVER MET HER.
WAIT, LARRY, LARRY...
( imitates French accent ) THANK
HEAVEN FOR LITTLE GIRLS!
( whistles "La Marseillaise" )
- HI, LARRY.
- HI, LARRY.
GIRLS, I HAVE SOMETHING
I'D LIKE TO ASK YOU.
- YEAH, WHAT?
- YES, JACK?
UH, HOW WAS YOUR DAY?
FINE, THANKS.
YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE MINE. I AM
LUCKY TO STILL HAVE A JOB, JACK.
YEAH?
YES, I GOT TWO IMPORTANT
ORDERS MIXED UP.
I ENDED UP SENDING THIS
GIANT "REST IN PEACE" BOUQUET
TO A HONEYMOON SUITE.
THAT COULD BE A
LITTLE INAPPROPRIATE.
NOT AS INAPPROPRIATE AS SENDING
"GOOD LUCK IN YOUR
NEW LIFE" TO A FUNERAL.
JANET, I CAN SEE HOW,
AFTER A DAY LIKE THAT,
YOU WOULDN'T BE IN A
MOOD FOR A HEAVY DINNER.
ARE YOU KIDDING?
JACK, THE ONLY THING THAT
GOT ME THROUGH THIS AFTERNOON
WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO
DINNER WITH MY TWO BEST FRIENDS.
- WELL, I HAD A TERRIFIC DAY!
- Jack: DID YA?
STEVE AND KATHY HAD TICKETS
FOR THE EAGLES CONCERT.
THEY ASKED JANET AND I TO GO.
FANTASTIC! YOU'D
BETTER GET READY.
- WHAT? FOR WHAT?
- THE EAGLES CONCERT.
- I'M NOT GOING.
- YOU TURNED DOWN THE TICKETS?
I CAN SEE THE EAGLES ANY TIME.
I'VE BEEN LOOKING FORWARD
TO THIS DINNER ALL DAY!
FORGET ABOUT
DINNER! THINK OF JANET.
LOOK AT THAT FACE,
HOW DISAPPOINTED SHE IS.
NO, IT'S NOT DISAPPOINTMENT,
JACK, IT'S HUNGER.
- WHAT'S FOR DINNER?
- IT SURE SMELLS GOOD.
I HAVEN'T STARTED COOKING YET.
YOU'D BETTER GET STARTED SO
YOU CAN CATCH UP WITH THE SMELL.
IN THE MEANTIME, I'M
GONNA FRESHEN UP.
YEAH, ME TOO.
JACK, SOMETIMES
YOU CAN BE SO SWEET.
DENISE, DENISE, DENISE.
DENISE, D-E-N...
WHAT AM I DOING?
( doorbell rings )
- JACQUES?
- DENISE?
- OUI. - WOW! NO... WHAT?
EXCUSE ME, YOU CAN'T
HAVE DINNER HERE TONIGHT.
- NO?
- NO, I'M SORRY.
THERE WAS A... WHAT HAPPENED...
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- ( whimpering )
DON'T CRY, PLEASE.
HEY, DON'T CRY.
( whimpering ) YOU
DON'T LIKE ME.
( growls ) OH, THAT'S NOT TRUE!
IT WAS A MISTAKE,
THIS... THIS "BALD DATE."
NO, THAT'S "BLIND
DATE." PLEASE DON'T CRY.
WHAT, DID YOU THINK WE WEREN'T
GONNA HAVE DINNER TOGETHER...
HUH?
WELL, IT'S WHAT YOU SAID.
NO, I SAID WE WEREN'T
GOING TO HAVE DINNER HERE.
'CAUSE, SEE, MY ROOMMATE'S SICK.
OH, WELL, THEN, WHERE
ARE WE HAVING DINNER?
UH, HOW ABOUT UPSTAIRS,
IN LARRY'S APARTMENT?
NOW, YOU TAKE
THIS. IT'S NUMBER 304.
TAKE THIS KEY AND GO UPSTAIRS,
FIX YOURSELF A DRINK,
AND I'LL GET DINNER READY.
OKAY. OH, JACQUES.
YOU MUST THINK I
AM JUST A BIG BABY.
( imitates baby talk ) NO.
JACK, WHO WERE YOU
TALKING TO OUT THERE?
OH, THAT WAS LARRY.
STRANGEST THING.
HE CAME DOWN WITH ASIAN
FLU. I SENT HIM UP TO BED.
REALLY? WE SAW
HIM. HE LOOKED FINE.
Chrissy: YEAH.
ON THE OUTSIDE, YEAH, BUT ON
THE INSIDE, HE'S A RAGING EPIDEMIC.
LISTEN, I THINK I'LL
GO PUT THE CHOPS ON.
WHAT CAN WE DO?
UH, OPEN THE WINE.
FOOD. MORE FOOD.
HAMBURGERS.
( mutters )
CAN I HELP?
( yelps ) NO...
WELL, IN THAT CASE, MAYBE
I'LL TAKE A TRAY UP TO LARRY.
I THOUGHT OF THAT, AND I
PREPARED HORS D'OEUVRES.
- I'M GONNA TAKE THESE UP.
- EGG ROLLS?!
I TOLD YOU, HE
HAS THE ASIAN FLU.
JACK...
JACK, DOES RED WINE
GO WITH LAMB CHOPS,
OR DOES WHITE WINE
GO WITH LAMB CHOPS,
OR DOES RED TASTE BETTER, BUT
WHITE'S WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE?
OR IS IT THE OTHER
WAY AROUND, OR BOTH?
YES.
THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.
DENISE!
I WAS JUST LOOKING
AT LARRY'S PICTURES.
HE'S QUITE A LADY'S MAN, NO?
WELL, I HAVE GIVEN
HIM A FEW POINTERS.
I CAN'T STAND PLAYBOYS.
AS I SAID, I'VE TRIED
TO STRAIGHTEN HIM OUT.
I THINK YOU'RE THE KIND OF GUY
WHO COULD ONLY BE
WITH ONE WOMAN AT A TIME.
H-H-HOW CAN YOU TELL THAT?
BY LOOKING IN YOUR FACE.
YOU HAVE SUCH HONEST EYES.
- HORS D'OEUVRE?
- YEAH, THANK YOU.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK. I HAVE TO SEE
ABOUT DINNER. ( imitates French accent )
HEY, JANET, I WAS JUST THINKING.
- WE ARE SO LUCKY.
- HAVING A ROOMMATE LIKE JACK?
YEAH, WHAT A NICE GUY.
HE STAYS HOME ON FRIDAY
NIGHT TO COOK DINNER,
THEN GOES TO TAKE
CARE OF HIS FRIEND.
HI.
WHAT?
- WHAT WAS THAT FOR?
- JUST FOR BEING YOU.
SIT DOWN AND RELAX.
CHRISSY AND I'LL SET THE TABLE.
JACK, YOU'RE REALLY SOMETHING.
OH, CHRISSY, THANKS.
SO FAR, SO GOOD.
( doorbell rings )
DENISE! NO.
OH, DOREEN. FOR A
MOMENT, I THOUGHT...
WHAT'RE YOU DOING HERE?
- I'M HERE FOR DINNER, JACK.
- NO, YOU'RE NOT!
( door slams )
( Doreen pounding
on door ) JACK!
SHH!
WHY DID YOU SLAM
THE DOOR IN MY FACE?
I HAVE A SICK ROOMMATE.
GERMS WERE ON THEIR WAY OUT.
- WHAT?!
- CAN I SPEAK TO YOU
FOR A SECOND?
WE CAN'T HAVE DINNER
TOGETHER TONIGHT.
DIDN'T YOUR SERVICE
TELL YOU I CALLED?
NO, I DIDN'T CHECK
BEFORE I LEFT WORK.
( sighs )
JACK, ARE YOU SEEING
ANOTHER WOMAN?
( laughs ) ANOTHER WOMAN?
PERISH THE THOUGHT!
I TOLD YOU, IT'S MY ROOMMATE.
YOU DIDN'T TELL ME
YOU HAD A ROOMMATE.
I HAVE A ROOMMATE.
HE HAPPENS TO BE SICK.
UH, CONGESTED, UH, CHEST.
JACK, I'M A NURSE.
HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN?
YES, I DID... NO! NO, I DIDN'T.
OF COURSE, NURSE DOREEN.
THERE'S A DRUGSTORE
FIVE MINUTES FROM HERE.
LET ME PICK UP SOME MENTHOL.
NO, IT'S TOO MUCH TROUBLE.
DON'T WORRY, AFTER I'M DONE
TAKING CARE OF YOUR ROOMMATE,
THEN I'LL HAVE ALL NIGHT
JUST TO TAKE CARE OF YOU.
( moans )
CAN I SPEAK TO
YOU FOR JUST A S...
MR. FURLEY!
( grunts, blows out )
THERE, THAT OUGHTA HOLD IT.
( doorbell rings )
- JUST A MINUTE.
- ( doorbell rings )
HOLD YOUR HORSES!
- MR. FURLEY?
- JACK, I'M VERY BUSY.
I KNOW HOW BUSY YOU ARE, MAKING
WOMEN FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU.
I TOLD YOU, I...
WHAT?! WHAT WOMEN?
CHRISSY AND JANET. YOU'VE
MADE THEM FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU.
I DON'T REMEMBER THAT.
COME ON, MR. FURLEY,
DON'T ACT INNOCENT.
YOU'VE SEEN IT BEFORE.
THE HEART OF A
IMPRESSIONABLE, YOUNG WOMAN,
TURNED ON BY A MATURE
AND SUCCESSFUL MAN
AT THE HEIGHT OF HIS VIRILITY.
BUT THAT'S RIDICULOUS!
I'M OLD ENOUGH TO BE
THEIR... OLDER BROTHER.
THEY ARE UPSTAIRS,
RIGHT NOW, PINING AWAY.
THEY'VE STOPPED
SEEING YOUNGER MEN.
IT'S THAT CLASSIC
MAY-DECEMBER ROMANCE.
NOW WAIT A MINUTE. I'M
NOT A DAY OVER OCTOBER!
YOU'RE TAKING THIS LIGHTLY!
NO, NO, I'M NOT! I'M NOT.
I BETTER TALK TO 'EM BEFORE
THEY THROW THEIR LIVES AWAY.
THE PHONE IS QUICKER. HURRY
UP! NOT A SECOND TO LOSE!
( phone ringing )
Chrissy: JACK?
HELLO? OH, HI, MR. FURLEY.
YOU WANT US TO COME DOWN
TO YOUR APARTMENT RIGHT NOW?
BUT WE WERE JUST
ABOUT TO HAVE DINNER.
HEY, WHERE WERE YOU?
I WAS WORRIED ABOUT LARRY.
- OH, JACK,
YOU ARE JUST TOO MUCH.
- WHO WAS THAT, CHRISSY?
MR. FURLEY WANTS US TO
COME DOWN RIGHT AWAY.
HE SOUNDED SO STRANGE.
HE IS STRANGE.
- YES, BUT THIS IS DIFFERENT.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
MAYBE I SHOULDN'T SAY ANYTHING.
TELL US, TELL US!
OKAY, MR. FURLEY IS
EXTREMELY DEPRESSED.
WHY?
IT'S HIS 50th BIRTHDAY,
AND HE'S IN HIS APARTMENT,
FEELING ALL ALONE,
UNLOVED, UNWANTED.
OH, THAT'S TERRIBLE.
WE SHOULD DO SOMETHING.
LIKE TAKING OUR DINNER
DOWNSTAIRS AND SURPRISING HIM?
YEAH, SOMETHIN' LIKE
THAT. YOU GOT ANY IDEAS?
HOW ABOUT THAT ONE?
WHAT ONE?
TAKING OUR DINNER DOWNSTAIRS.
OH, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
HERE, WHY DON'T YOU
TAKE THIS, CHRISSY?
JANET, TAKE THIS. I'LL BRING
THE REST OF THE DINNER DOWN.
THAT'LL GIVE US A
CHANCE TO CHEER HIM UP.
BUT DON'T MENTION HIS BIRTHDAY.
I DON'T WANT HIM TO THINK
THAT'S THE REASON YOU'RE THERE.
RIGHT, JACK. GOOD THINKING!
( wails ) NO TIME FOR THE PAIN.
FOOD, MORE FOOD. MORE FOOD.
- CHRISSY?
- HI.
- JANET?
- HI, MR. FURLEY.
UH, WHAT'S THAT?
WE THOUGHT WE'D
HAVE DINNER WITH YOU.
YEAH, WE THOUGHT,
SINCE YOU NEVER INVITE US,
IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA
IF WE MADE THE FIRST MOVE.
THE FIRST MOVE?!
YEAH, AND IT'S NOT GONNA
BE JUST DINNER, EITHER.
IT ISN'T?
NOPE, WE THOUGHT, AFTER DINNER,
WE COULD HAVE SOME FUN TOGETHER.
WHAT?!
OH, JACK, MMM! IT SMELLS GREAT.
ACTUALLY, THIS IS FOR MY
UPSTAIRS NEIGHBOR. HE HAS THE FLU.
IT MUST BE CATCHY. RUN UPSTAIRS,
AND I'LL CHECK ON YOUR ROOMMATE.
NO, NO, NO, NO! LET ME DO THAT.
WOULD YOU BELIEVE
IT? SLEEPING LIKE A BABY.
DOREEN, HAVE A LITTLE
WINE, AND I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
I'M GIVING YOU TWO MINUTES,
THEN I'M COMING TO GET YOU.
I WOULDN'T DO THAT...
A MINUTE 59, A
MINUTE 58, A MINUTE 57.
JACQUES.
A MINUTE 52. HERE, HOLD THIS.
( murmuring )
ALL RIGHT, ALL SET
FOR A LITTLE DINNER.
HERE WE GO. ( pants )
JACQUES...
LET'S NOT WASTE THIS
MAGIC MOMENT WITH WORDS.
LET'S EAT!
WAIT, WHERE'S YOUR PLATE?
MM-MM, I THOUGHT IT
WOULD BE MORE ROMANTIC
IF WE BOTH ATE OUT OF
THE SAME DISH. ( moans )
JACQUES, DO YOU
WANT TO SAY ANYTHING?
OH, YEAH, RIGHT.
DEAR LORD, THANK YOU FOR
WHAT WE ARE ABOUT TO EAT.
DON'T YOU WANT TO KNOW WHO I AM,
WHERE I COME FROM,
WHAT I DREAM OF?
NO.
WHAT? JACK, WHY ARE
YOU ACTING THIS WAY?
SILLY ME, I FORGOT
THE BROCCOLI. ( laughs )
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
HERE. BON APPÉTIT.
AND THAT'S WHY OLD IS OLD,
AND YOUNG IS YOUNG,
AND BEAUTY IS IN THE
EYE OF THE BEHOLDER.
ARE YOU FOLLOWING
ANY OF WHAT I'M SAYING?
YOU ARE SO HANDSOME
FOR A MAN YOUR AGE.
WELL, I KNOW, BUT
THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT.
BOY, WHEN JACK
SAID HE WAS FEELING
UNLOVED AND UNWANTED,
HE WASN'T KIDDING.
I DON'T NEED ANY COMPLICATIONS
IN MY LIFE, AND NEITHER DO YOU!
MR. FURLEY...
MR. FURLEY, COME ON.
IT IS NOT COMPLICATED.
IT'S VERY SIMPLE.
- YEAH, WE LOVE YOU.
- WHAT?
- AND WE WANNA MAKE YOU HAPPY.
- NOW, WAIT A MINUTE...
VERY HAPPY.
STAY AWAY FROM ME! I
DON'T WANNA BE HAPPY.
- Both: MR. FURLEY...
- I'LL SCREAM!
WHERE ARE YOU GOIN' NOW?
- UP TO LARRY.
- AGAIN?
WELL, YOU KNOW, STARVE
A FEVER, STUFF A COLD.
MR. FURLEY, YOU'RE VERY TENSE.
JUST SIT DOWN. RELAX.
BUT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
ISN'T THIS BETTER?
OH, YEAH. NO!
- WAIT!
- LEMME TRY. CLOSE YOUR EYES...
DINNER IS SERVED.
JACK, AM I GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
YOU WEREN'T WHISTLING "DIXIE."
THESE GIRLS ARE CRAZY ABOUT ME.
AFTER ALL, THEY'RE ONLY HUMAN.
MR. FURLEY, SIT THERE. CHRISSY,
JANET, SIT NEXT TO MR. FURLEY.
NO, YOU GIRLS SIT OVER
THERE. JACK, YOU SIT NEXT TO ME.
- I'D LOVE TO, BUT I CAN'T...
- SIT!
WHAT IS THIS? I THOUGHT
WE WERE HAVING LAMB.
WE ARE.
WHAT DO YOU CALL THESE?
LAMBURGERS? ( laughs )
- AS A MATTER OF FACT, YES.
- THEY'RE GOOD.
( out of breath ) INTERESTING
THING ABOUT LAMBURGERS:
EITHER THEY'RE VERY GOOD OR
VERY BA-A-A-A-A-AD. ( imitates lamb )
GET IT? LAMB? BA-A-A-AD.
I'M GONNA GO GET DESSERT.
FORGET DESSERT.
YOU'RE STAYING HERE TILL AFTER
DINNER, RIGHT NEXT TO MY SIDE.
( imitating feminine manner
) WELL, IF YOU INSIST.
YOU MIND IF I JUST TAKE A
NIBBLE OFF OF YOURS, MR. F.?
ISN'T THIS TO DIE FOR? WHY, MR. FURLES,
YOU'VE GOT A CRUMB ON YOUR LIP.
LEMME GET THAT FOR YOU.
I'LL WIPE MY OWN
MOUTH, THANK YOU.
I WAS ONLY TRYING TO HELP!
- I THOUGHT YOU WERE
GONNA GET DESSERT?
- I'M GONE!
SO THERE YOU ARE.
JACK, ARE WE, OR ARE WE NOT,
GOING TO HAVE DINNER TONIGHT?
( panting )
DINNER... COMING... NOW.
( moaning )
( panting )
JACK, IF A POET EXPRESSES
HIS FEELINGS THROUGH WORDS,
I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE
HOW A CHEF LIKE
YOU EXPRESSES HIS.
( panting )
HOT DOGS?
( phone ringing )
I GOTTA GET THE
PHONE. EXCUSE ME.
HELLO?
HI. NO, DON'T COME UP.
I'LL COME DOWN. I'LL COME...
- JACK, WHAT'S GOING ON?
- IT'S LARRY, UP.
AGAIN?
HE'S FEVERISH. HE
WANTS BROCCOLI.
MR. FURLEY! MR. FURLEY...
ARE YOU TRYING TO HIDE FROM US?
PLEASE COME OUT.
I'M NOT SETTING FOOT OUT
THERE TILL JACK COMES BACK!
GREAT, WHO KNOWS
WHEN THAT'LL BE.
HE MIGHT'VE GONE
TO CHECK ON LARRY.
MAYBE WE SHOULD, TOO.
CHRISSY, AREN'T YOU WORRIED ABOUT
EXPOSING YOURSELF TO HIS GERMS?
IF I CARE ABOUT SOMEBODY, I
DON'T MIND EXPOSING MYSELF.
( door slams )
MR. FURLEY!
IF YOU WON'T COME OUT,
WE'RE GONNA GO SEE LARRY.
GOOD, GIVE ME A CALL WHEN
YOU GET TO SAN FRANCISCO.
SAN FRANCISCO?
YEAH, THAT'S WHERE LARRY
WENT FOR THE WEEKEND.
BOY, THAT WAS GOOD.
MMM, I'M READY FOR DESSERT.
- HOW ABOUT YOU?
- WELL...
THE CHOCOLATE MOUSSE PIE?
CHOCOLATE MOU... THE
CHOCOLATE MOUSSE PIE!
I'LL BE BACK IN A FLASH.
EXCUSE ME.
- JACK, JACK!
- JACK, WE WANNA TALK TO YOU!
WHO ARE YOU?
- WHO ARE WE?
- WHO ARE YOU?
YEAH.
I'LL BE BACK IN A
SECOND, DOREEN.
CHRISSY, JANET.
GOOD, YOU'RE ALL HERE.
I WAS JUST ABOUT TO EXPLAIN.
UH, YOU SEE,
DOREEN, THIS IS JANET,
AND THIS IS...
- CHRISSY!
- CHRISSY.
THEY'RE MY ROOMMATES.
I PROMISED THEM DINNER, BUT
I ALSO PROMISED YOU DINNER.
- I TRIED
TO CALL YOU, DIDN'T I?
- WELL, YOU SAID...
I HAD TO MAKE DINNER
FOR HER, BUT ALSO FOR YOU.
I MADE DINNER FOR HER AND YOU.
SO YOU SEE, I WENT
TO ALL THIS TROUBLE
TO MAKE DINNER
FOR YOU THREE GIRLS.
JACQUES?
MAKE THAT, FOUR GIRLS.
UH, SEE, HERE'S WHERE
THE EXPLANATION
BECOMES A LITTLE
MORE COMPLICATED...
SEE, WHAT HAPPENED IS,
LARRY, MY FRIEND LARRY, UH...
LARRY, UH, LARRY ASKED
ME TO DO A FAVOR FOR HIM...
I WANTED TO DO A
FAVOR FOR LARRY, AND...
ACTUALLY, LARRY ASKED ME IF I
WOULDN'T MIND HELPING HIM OUT...
SO THEN WHAT HAPPENED WAS...
I THOUGHT OF A WAY TO BRING
THE GIRLS TO THEIR SENSES.
JUST TELLING JANET AND
CHRISSY THAT I'M TOO OLD FOR 'EM,
THAT WON'T WORK.
I'VE GOTTA SHOW 'EM I'M OLD.
SO HERE'S MY PLAN:
I'M GONNA DYE MY
HAIR REAL WHITE,
AND GET SOME BIFOCAL LENSES,
REAL THICK, I CAN HARDLY SEE THROUGH,
THEN A CANE, AND I'LL
WALK BENT OVER LIKE THIS.
WAIT'LL YOU HEAR THIS!
I'M GONNA GET A ROCKING
CHAIR, AND I'M RENTING AN OLD CAT,
TO ROCK WITH ME, THEN THEY'LL
HAVE TO BE CONVINCED I'M OLD.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT,
IT WON'T WORK.
I'M JUST TOO SEXY.
THAT'S MY PROBLEM.
THAT'S MY CURSE. I'M
SORRY. THANKS FOR HELPING.
ANY TIME.
I'LL TELL YOU, JACK,
YOU'RE A SLOPPY EATER.
( theme song playing )
John Ritter: THREE'S COMPANY WAS
VIDEOTAPED IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.
( theme music playing )