Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 4, Episode 6 - The Life Saver - full transcript

(theme music playing)

♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪

♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪

♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE
HERS AND HERS AND HIS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪

♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪

- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪

♪ WE'VE A LOVABLE SPACE
THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪



♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO. ♪

- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

OH, SO COLD. CHRISSY,
IT'S FREEZING IN HERE.

TURN UP THE THERMOSTAT.

I DID THAT BEFORE
AND NOTHING HAPPENED.

YOU KNOW WHAT I DO?
FIRST I HIT IT WITH MY SHOE

REAL HARD THREE TIMES.

OKAY.

ONE, TWO, THREE.

- OKAY, NOW WHAT?
- NOW MR. FURLEY CALLS,

HE ASKS WHAT ALL
THE NOISE IS ABOUT,



I ASK HIM IF HE CAN
FIX OUR THERMOSTAT,

AND HE SAYS NO AND HANGS UP.

(phone ringing)

SEE?

HELLO?

OH HI, MR. FURLEY.

WHAT NOISE? OH, THAT WAS ME.

I WAS TRYING TO KNOCK THE
ICE OFF OF THE THERMOSTAT.

NO, I'M NOT KIDDING, MR. FURLEY.

IT'S FREEZING UP HERE. SO WHY
DON'T YOU COME UP AND FIX IT?

NO, WAIT, MR. FUR... (sighs)

- WHAT DID HE SAY?
- HE SAID, "IT'S NEVER COLD
IN CALIFORNIA."

- HI, GUYS.
- HEY, JANET.

- WHAT HAVE YOU GOT THERE?
- OH, I GOT US A GREAT
NEW PAINTING,

THAT'S WHAT I'VE GOT HERE. YOU KNOW JOEY,
THE DELIVERY BOY DOWN AT THE FLOWER SHOP?

- YEAH.
- HE PAINTED THIS. WHAT DO YOU THINK?

- JANET, IT'S YOU.
- OH.

ARE YOU KIDDING? IT DOESN'T
LOOK A THING LIKE HER.

CHRISSY, THIS IS AN ABSTRACT.

JOEY CALLS IT "CROWD."

SEE, JACK, IT'S A BUNCH
OF OTHER PEOPLE.

I WAS THINKING IT WOULD LOOK
PRETTY GOOD RIGHT OVER HERE.

HOW ABOUT HELPING
ME HANG IT, JACK?

OH, NO, JANET, YOU TAKE
CARE OF IT. I GOTTA GET READY.

I'M WORKING DOWN AT
THE LE PETIT SALON TONIGHT

LE PETITE SALON? THAT'S THE
FANCIEST RESTAURANT IN TOWN.

- OUI, OUI.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING,
PARKING CARS?

- I'M ASSISTING
THE HEAD CHEF, JANET.
- OKAY.

HE'S PARKING CARS,
TOO? (snorts, laughs)

WELL, I DON'T HAVE TIME TO
WASTE TALKING TO PEASANTS.

- I'M GOING TO
TAKE A HOT SHOWER.
- OH, HOT SHOWER.

COLD SHOWER. MR. FURLEY
DIDN'T FIX THE HOT WATER YET.

- COLD?
- FREEZING.

DON'T WORRY, JACK. YOU'LL
LOOK GREAT IN GOOSE-BUMPS.

TRY TO HAMMER WITHOUT
MAKING ANY NOISE.

OW! OOH!

OOH YEAH, I SMASHED MY THUMB.

OH, THIS'LL BE ALL
RIGHT. TAKE IT EASY.

LET ME SHOW YOU
HOW THIS IS DONE, OKAY?

CHRISSY, HAND ME THAT SCOTCH
TAPE OVER THERE, WILL YOU?

YOU DIDN'T BREAK THE
SKIN. DON'T BE A BABY.

- OKAY.
- NOW WATCH CAREFULLY, OKAY?

THERE'S A RIGHT WAY TO
DO THINGS AND A WRONG WAY.

- UH-HUH.
- WHICH WAY IS THIS?

JUST LOOK AND LEARN, ALL RIGHT?

OKAY, NOW YOU JUST DRIVE
THE NAIL INTO THE TAPE,

SO THERE'S NO
CHIPPING OR CRACKING.

WHEN THE PHONE
RINGS, YOU ANSWER IT.

- YOU ANSWER IT.
- I'LL ANSWER IT.

- (doorbell rings)
- HELLO?

- (knocks)
- OOH, THAT'S BOUND
TO BE FURLEY.

IF HE SEES THAT HOLE,
HE'LL THROW US OUT!

WELL, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

LOOK. JUST-JUST BE QUIET

- AND ACT NATURAL. THERE'S NOTHING...
- ACT NATURAL?!

- YEAH, GO LET HIM IN.
- ARE YOU KIDDING...

- LOOK, JUST LET HIM IN.
- OKAY, I'LL LET HIM IN. ALL RIGHT.

OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH! COUCH.

COMING!

I'M GONNA LET HIM IN NOW, GUYS.

HELLO, MR. FURLEY, HOW
NICE OF YOU TO DROP BY.

- IT'S BEEN SUCH
A QUIET DAY.
- QUIET?!

QUIET?! WHAT HAVE YOU
PEOPLE BEEN DOING UP HERE,

BOUNCING BRICKS?

THAT'S HUMOROUS,
BOUNCING BRICKS.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- OH, I'M JUST SEEING HOW
THIS PICTURE LOOKS HERE.

- OH.
- MY TOWEL'S
SLIPPING, CHRISSY.

VERY, VERY LONG WAITING LIST
FOR THIS APARTMENT, YOU KNOW.

OH YES, MR. FURLEY, I'M SURE
YOU HAVE A LONG WAITING LIST

AND DON'T THINK WE DON'T
APPRECIATE THIS BUILDING.

- YES, AND BESIDES...
- YES. MM-HMM?

THERE'S A RETIRED LIBRARIAN
WHO'D JUST LOVE TO LIVE HERE.

OH, WELL, I THINK FOUR
WOULD BE A LITTLE CROWDED.

BESIDES...

OLDER TENANTS ARE LESS TROUBLE.

OH, MR. FURLEY, WE
ARE AGING VERY QUICKLY.

SO...

LET'S JUST TRY TO
COOPERATE, ALL RIGHT?

- NO MORE NOISE!
- Jack: WE WILL COOPERATE,
I PROMISE.

YES, MR. FURLEY, WE WILL. WE
PROMISE. WE'LL BE THE BEST TENANTS

YOU'VE EVER HAD. WE'RE
REALLY GOING TO BE GOOD.

I DON'T ENJOY BEING
THE BAD GUY, YOU KNOW.

NO SIR, I'M SURE
YOU DON'T. GOODBYE!

- OW!
- SHH!

- YOU SHH!
- YOU PROMISED
NO MORE NOISE!

OH! WHAT'S THAT?

LOOK AT THAT! IT'S
A HOLE IN THE WALL!

NO WONDER IT'S BEEN
SO COLD UP HERE.

NOW IT'S GONE TOO FAR.
THIS IS THE LAST STRAW!

MR. FURLEY. MR. FURLEY, PLEASE.
IT WAS TOTALLY AN ACCIDENT.

AND WE WILL PAY FOR
IT. WE WILL PAY FOR IT.

YOU BET YOU WILL,
BECAUSE I'M WARNING YOU,

ANY MORE NOISE OR ANY
MORE DAMAGES AND OUT YOU GO!

AND I MEAN OUT! O-U-T, OUT!

49.

50.

- (breathing heavily)
- OH.

- WHAT ARE YOU READING?
- OH, IT'S A NOVEL CALLED
"CONCERTO OF LOVE."

OH YEAH? WHAT'S IT ABOUT?

IT'S ABOUT THIS YOUNG,
HANDSOME FELLOW NAMED GEORGE

WHO'S ABOUT TO
INHERIT A FORTUNE,

BUT HIS UNCLE THROWS
HIM OVERBOARD.

BUT LUCKILY HE MANAGES TO
CATCH ONTO A PASSING SUBMARINE.

THEN HE GETS TO A DESERT ISLAND

WHERE HE FINDS A
TREASURE IN DIAMONDS.

SO HE GOES BACK HOME,
PROVES HIS UNCLE IS GUILTY,

GETS HIS INHERITANCE BACK, AND
MARRIES THE GIRL HE'S ALWAYS LOVED.

CHRISSY, YOU'RE
ONLY ON PAGE FOUR.

YEAH, I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE
HOW THE REST TURNS OUT.

LIVING WITH YOU... (laughs)

- HI, HI, HI.
- JACK!

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- WAIT TILL YOU HEAR WHAT
HAPPENED TO ME TONIGHT.

I WAS A HERO AT LE PETIT
SALON. I SAVED A MAN'S LIFE!

HOW, BY RECOMMENDING
ANOTHER RESTAURANT?

NO, JANET, I'M SERIOUS.

- YOU REALLY SAVED
SOMEONE'S LIFE?
- YES!

- WELL, WHAT HAPPENED?
- THIS GUY WAS CHOKING,

AND THE HEIMLICH
PROCEDURE SAVED HIM.

- I THOUGHT YOU DID.
- NO. CHRISSY, CHRISSY,

THE HEIMLICH PROCEDURE IS A
WAY YOU UNBLOCK THE WINDPIPE

WHEN SOMEBODY HAS FOOD STUCK
THERE. THIS GUY WAS CHOKING.

I REACHED AROUND HIM, PUT MY
HANDS TOGETHER LIKE THIS RIGHT HERE,

AND GAVE A SERIES OF REAL
QUICK PUSHES RIGHT LIKE THIS...

IN AND UP... UNTIL
THE FOOD POPPED OUT

- AND THE GUY
COULD BREATHE AGAIN.
- YOU REALLY WERE A HERO.

- YOU WERE WONDERFUL.
- WELL, YEAH, IT WAS
A GREAT FEELING.

I'LL BET IT WAS. A
COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO,

I SAW A GUY IN A RESTAURANT
CHOKING LIKE THAT.

- DID YOU?
- OH YEAH, IT WAS
TERRIFYING TO SEE.

I KNOW. THIS GUY WAS SO GRATEFUL, HE
KEPT ASKING WHAT HE COULD DO FOR ME.

I HOPE YOU TOLD HIM ANYBODY WHO EATS
IN A RESTAURANT LIKE THAT HAS TO BE RICH.

CHRISSY, I NEVER
THOUGHT OF PERSONAL GAIN.

I JUST GAVE HIM MY NAME, ADDRESS,
PHONE NUMBER, SOCIAL SECURITY...

- JACK, STOP.
- JACK.

LISTEN. THAT'S TECHNIQUE'S A
REALLY GOOD THING TO KNOW.

- WOULD YOU MIND SHOWING ME?
- OH SURE, I'LL SHOW YOU.

SEE, WHAT YOU DO IS
YOU PUT YOUR HAND HERE,

AND THE OTHER HAND GOES
RIGHT AROUND HERE, YOU SEE.

- YEAH, GOT IT.
- THEN YOU APPLY
REAL GENTLE PRESSURE

RIGHT ABOUT HERE.

GENTLE? GENTLE PRESSURE?

I THOUGHT YOU SAID IT
WAS REAL QUICK THRUSTS.

NO, BUT THIS IS
TRIPPER'S PROCEDURE.

OH.

SHH! SHH! SHH!

(thumping)

- WHAT WAS THAT?
- THAT'S FURLEY SAVING
A PHONE CALL.

- WHAT DO YOU THINK?
- IT'S CROOKED.

- NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK?
- IT'S BETTER.

YOU KNOW, I THINK WE CAN GET
BY WITH JUST A PAINT TOUCH UP.

HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?

OF COURSE, AS
SOON AS IT'S VACANT

WE'LL NEED AN OVERALL
CARPET CLEANING.

- VACANT?
- AH, I THINK WE MIGHT
CHECK THE THERMOSTAT.

I THINK IT'S JUST FINE, BUT I
WANT EVERYTHING SHIPSHAPE

- FOR THE NEW TENANTS.
- NEW TENANTS?

- WHAT IS THIS?
- YEAH, WE HAVEN'T
DONE ANYTHING.

BUT FIRST, LET'S CHECK
THE TOILET TANK BACK HERE.

WHAT?

HEY, IS IT LEGAL FOR HIM TO
COME BARGING IN LIKE THIS?

YEAH, WHAT HAPPENED
TO OUR CIVIL RIGHTS?

(toilet flushes)

(phone rings)

HELLO?

YEAH, I'M THE GUY WHO
HELPED YOU IN THE RESTAURANT.

OH, IT WAS NOTHING AT ALL.

- NO, THERE'S NOTHING
I REALLY NEED, THANK YOU.
- (clanging)

OTHER THAN A NEW
APARTMENT, THAT IS.

WHAT?

YOU DO?

FANTASTIC.

UH, I HAVE TWO
ROOMMATES, THOUGH.

- THEY CAN?!
- WHAT CAN THEY,
YOUR ROOMMATES, WHAT?

HANG ON. IT'S THE GUY
WHOSE LIFE I SAVED.

HE'S OFFERING US A
THREE-BEDROOM PENTHOUSE

OVERLOOKING THE OCEAN,
RENT FREE FOR ONE YEAR

AT A PLACE CALLED
THE PARADISE TOWERS.

- TAKE IT, TAKE IT!
- I WILL, I WILL.

WE'LL TAKE IT, WE'LL
TAKE IT. WE'LL TAKE IT.

YEAH. HOW CAN I REPAY YOU?

JUST COOK YOU A GOURMET
DINNER? I'D BE DELIGHTED TO.

- COOK IT.
- TONIGHT IS FINE.

HOW DOES CREME BRULEE SOUND?

FINE, WELL, WE'LL SEE
YOU TONIGHT, OKAY?

THANKS A LOT! THANK YOU, SIR.

(screaming)

ALL RIGHT, ALL
RIGHT! HOLD IT DOWN!

WHAT'S ALL THE YAHOOING ABOUT?

OH MR. FURLEY, WE'RE SO HAPPY.

HAPPY? I'M THROWING YOU
OUT AND YOU'RE HAPPY?

YEAH, ISN'T IT WONDERFUL?

- THANK YOU, MR. FURLEY.
- I DON'T UNDERSTAND
YOU PEOPLE.

YOU UNDERSTAND THEM,
HERBIE? OH, NEVER MIND.

WHAT COLOR DO YOU THINK WE
OUGHT TO PAINT THE BASEBOARDS?

WELL, A NICE RASPBERRY
WOULD BE GOOD.

RASPBERRY? I NEVER
HEARD OF RASPBERRY.

OH REALLY?

OH YEAH, THERE.
THAT OUGHT TO DO IT.

ARE YOU SURE YOU DID IT RIGHT?

OF COURSE I DID IT RIGHT.

- YOU DIDN'T PUT IN TOO MUCH?
- TOO MUCH WHAT?

I DON'T KNOW. YOU'RE THE COOK.

WILL YOU GIRLS STOP WORRYING?
DINNER'S GONNA BE PERFECT.

OKAY. OH, CHRISSY, I
DON'T BELIEVE OUR LUCK,

- WE'RE EACH GONNA
HAVE OUR OWN ROOM.
- I KNOW.

OH LISTEN, WE
BETTER HELP CLEAN UP.

- OKAY.
- OKAY.

- (clangs)
- OH, I'M SORRY.

THERE'S NOTHING TO BE SORRY
ABOUT, NOTHING'S BROKEN.

- YEAH, BUT MR. FURLEY...
- WE DON'T HAVE TO WORRY

ABOUT NOISE ANYMORE, REMEMBER?

BESIDES, IT'S PERFECTLY NORMAL
TO DROP A PAN ONCE IN A WHILE.

YEAH, WE PROBABLY OWE HIM A FEW.

- THAT'S RIGHT.
- (clangs)

- OOPS.
- (Chrissy laughs)

MY GOODNESS. YOU
KNOW, I DON'T THINK

I DROPPED A PAN LAST WEEK.

OR THE WEEK BEFORE THAT!

YEAH, ME NEITHER!

(doorbell rings)

- GUESS WHO?
- WELL, IF THAT'S
MR. FURLEY,

THE THREE OF US ARE IN A HOT
KETTLE OF SOUP NOW. UH-OH.

NOW HEAR THIS!

I KNOW YOU'RE NOT GONNA
BE HERE MUCH LONGER,

BUT AS LONG AS YOU ARE HERE, I
DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANYMORE NOISE,

YOU UNDERSTAND? NO MORE NOISE!

WHAT KIND OF NOISE?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
"WHAT KIND OF NOISE?"

WELL, THERE ARE ALL
KINDS OF NOISE, YOU KNOW.

I MEAN, THERE'S DROPPING
THE TELEPHONE NOISE.

OF COURSE, THEN THERE'S
POTS AND PANS NOISE.

THEN THERE'S SLAMMING
THE DOOR NOISE.

THEN THERE'S MY
FAVORITE, THE ALL-POPULAR...

ALL RIGHT!

ALL RIGHT! JUST ASKING
YOU TO KEEP IT QUIET.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO MAKE A
BIG SONG AND DANCE ABOUT IT.

SONG AND DANCE? YOU MEAN LIKE...

(vocalizing dance music)

YOU'RE CRAZY, YOU KNOW THAT?

YOU ARE CRAZY!

OH, I LIKE THIS,
LET'S DO SOME MORE.

CHRISSY, I GOTTA
GET BACK TO DINNER,

THAT GUY FROM THE RESTAURANT
WILL BE HERE ANY MOMENT.

- OH, RIGHT.
- YOUR DOOR WAS OPEN, SO...

- YOU CAME RIGHT IN.
- VERY GOOD.

LANA, EXCUSE ME, WE'RE
EXPECTING SOME COMPANY...

- MR. FURLEY TOLD ME
THAT YOU'RE LEAVING.
- YEAH, HE TOLD US, TOO.

WELL, DID YOU KNOW HE'S GOING
TO CHANGE THE LOCK ON YOUR DOOR?

HE CAN'T DO THAT WHILE
WE'RE STILL LIVING HERE.

WE WON'T BE ABLE TO GET OUT.

I CAN'T LEAVE DINNER. YOU GIRLS
WILL HAVE TO GO TALK TO HIM.

- OH, THANK YOU.
- I HAVE TO COOK.

JACK... OKAY, WE'LL
GO TALK TO HIM.

- COME ON, CHRISSY,
LET'S DO IT.
- GO AHEAD.

JACK?

OH, IT'S SO NICE TO
BE ALONE WITH YOU.

LANA, DON'T START
ANYTHING NOW, OKAY?

- I'VE GOT SOME COMPANY COMING...
- JACK, PLEASE.

I CAME AS A FRIEND. I
WAS WORRIED ABOUT YOU.

I MEAN, WHERE WILL YOU GO?

WELL, THERE'S NO REASON TO GET
WORRIED. WE HAVE A GREAT PLACE LINED UP.

OH, THAT'S GOOD. I HOPE
IT'S NOT TOO FAR AWAY.

I MEAN, WE WERE
JUST GETTING CLOSE.

ACTUALLY, YOU
WERE GETTING CLOSE,

I WAS TRYING TO GET AWAY.

- OH, JACK. I'M... I'M SO SORRY.
- OH, COME ON, LANA.

I NEVER MEANT TO ANNOY YOU.

HEY, WHAT GAVE YOU THAT IDEA?

WELL, I MEAN, I CAN UNDERSTAND

WHY YOU WOULDN'T WANT ME AROUND.

- W-W-W-WHAT ARE
YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- WELL, AFTER ALL,

NEXT TO YOUR
YOUNGER GIRLFRIENDS,

I MUST LOOK VERY... PLAIN.

ARE YOU KIDDING?

YOU'RE VERY ATTRACTIVE.

OH, THAT'S VERY SWEET OF YOU,
BUT YOU DON'T REALLY MEAN THAT.

OF COURSE I DO, LANA. YOU'RE
A VERY BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.

- OH, THEN YOU DO CARE.
- WELL, I MEAN...

LANA, LANA. HOLD IT, HOLD IT.

MR. FURLEY, HE IS SO...

I THOUGHT YOU WERE
TAKING CARE OF DINNER.

WELL, HE IS COOKING.
(snorts, laughs)

LANA. LANA.

LANA. COME ON, LANA.

DON'T FORGET TO
GIVE ME YOUR ADDRESS.

I DON'T WANT TO LOSE TOUCH.

EXCUSE ME, I'M LOOKING
FOR JACK TRIPPER.

OH, RIGHT IN THERE.

HE'S THE ONE WITH
THE GREAT BODY.

- WELL, IT'S NICE
TO SEE YOU AGAIN, MISTER...
- WORMOLD, LYLE WORMOLD.

- MR. WORMOLD, - YEAH.

- DINNER IS ALMOST READY.
- GOOD.

I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY TWO
ROOMMATES, CHRISSY AND JANET.

- HI!
- HOW DO YOU DO? IT'S A GREAT PLEASURE.

- THANK YOU, THE SAME.
- THEY'RE MY ROOMMATES.

- AND THEY'RE BOTH GIRLS.
- YEAH, WELL, THAT'S NICE,

BUT WHERE'S DINNER?
YOU DID SAY CREME BRULEE?

YES, SIR, IT WON'T BE LONG.

GEE, MR. WORMOLD,
YOU LOOK FAMILIAR.

YOU WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO BE A CUSTOMER
AT THE ARCADE FLOWER SHOP, WOULD YOU?

NO, I WOULDN'T. I'M REALLY
LOOKING FORWARD TO YOUR COOKING.

YOU KNOW, WHEN JACK SAVED
YOUR LIFE IN THE RESTAURANT,

IT WAS A BIG WASTE
OF TIME. (giggling)

WHAT?

'CAUSE WHEN YOU TASTE HIS
COOKING, YOU'LL JUST DIE. (laughing)

LISTEN... WHY DON'T WE EAT
NOW AND THEN DURING DINNER

- YOU CAN TELL US ALL ABOUT
THE PARADISE TOWERS, OKAY?
- FINE, YES.

- GIRLS, WOULD YOU
HELP ME SET UP?
- SURE.

- WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
- SURE, LET'S GO.

MM... MM... MM...

JACK, HAVE YOU EVER SEEN
ANYBODY EAT LIKE THAT?

I'VE NEVER SEEN
ANYTHING EAT LIKE THAT.

THAT MAN HASN'T LOOKED
UP FROM HIS PLATE ONCE!

WELL, YES, HE DID, JANET. WHEN
HE ASKED FOR MORE POTATOES.

(both chuckle)

YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE HE HASN'T
MENTIONED ALL EVENING? PARADISE TOWERS.

GIVE HIM A CHANCE TO RELAX AND
HE'LL FILL US IN WHEN HE FINISHES EATING.

- IF HE FINISHES EATING.
- (laughs)

YEAH.

- WELL, HOW IS EVERYTHING?
- MM... MM... MM...

GEE, MR. WORMOLD...

MR. WORMOLD, I'M JUST
SURE THAT WE'VE MET BEFORE.

- MAYBE AT THE MUSIC CENTER?
- NO, I ONLY GO TO
DINNER THEATERS.

- OH.
- DELICIOUS SQUAB.

YEAH, JACK CAN DO
A LOT WITH A BIRD.

- SAY, MR. WORMOLD,
- MM-HMM, MM-HMM?

WHERE IS THIS PARADISE
TOWERS EXACTLY?

OH IT'S... THATAWAY.

- DOES IT HAVE A DOORMAN?
- MM-HMM.

- IN A UNIFORM?
- MM... WHAT?

OH YES, OH YES, WE
HAVE LOTS OF UNIFORMS.

WE HAVE RED UNIFORMS,
BLUE UNIFORMS,

YELLOW, GREEN...
PURPLE... OH YES!

TA-DA!

- CREME BRULEE!
- OH, MAGNIFICENT!

- YES. HELP YOURSELF, JANET.
- OH THANK YOU, JACK.

I HAVE A WONDERFUL
SUGGESTION, MR. WORMOLD.

AFTER DINNER, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE
US ON A TOUR OF THE PENTHOUSE?

OH EXCELLENT! REALLY EXCELLENT!

I KNOW I KNOW YOU.

WAS IT...
- MR. "WORMY"?
- MM-HMM, YES?

CAN YOU REALLY SEE THE
OCEAN FROM THE PENTHOUSE?

ONLY IF YOU'RE LOOKING
THROUGH THE WINDOW.

COULD I SEE YOU IN
THE KITCHEN, JACK?

- WHAT?
- COULD I SEE YOU
IN THE KITCHEN, JACK?!

- WHAT IS IT?
- THAT'S HIM!

- WHO?
- THAT GUY I SAW CHOKING IN
A RESTAURANT TWO MONTHS AGO.

- NO.
- IT IS THE SAME GUY!

- JANET?!
- WILL YOU LISTEN?

- MM... MM...
- HOW HIGH IS PARADISE TOWERS?

WELL, IS 150 STORIES VERY HIGH?

WOW! THEY ONLY HAVE BUILDINGS
THAT HIGH IN NEW YORK OR CHICAGO!

YES, AND THAT ISN'T FAIR, IS IT?

ASK HIM. WILL YOU
PLEASE ASK HIM?

- (Jack grumbles)
- ASK HIM.

(clears throat) EXCUSE
ME, MR. WORMOLD?

GO ON.

DO YOU MAKE IT A HABIT OF
CHOKING IN RESTAURANTS?

- OH MY, YES.
- YOU SEE, THE MAN DOESN'T...

WHAT?!

WELL, IF I DON'T CHOKE OR HAVE A
HEART ATTACK, THEY TRY TO MAKE ME PAY.

SO I ALWAYS DO IT JUST
BEFORE THE CHECK COMES.

WHAT AN AWFUL THING TO DO!

YEAH, YOU OUGHT TO BE
ASHAMED OF YOURSELF.

OH NO... IF I DIDN'T CHOKE,
THEY'D GIVE ME THE BILL

AND I'D HAVE TO TELL
THEM I HAVE NO MONEY

AND THEY'D FEEL
BAD AND I'D FEEL BAD...

MY WAY EVERYBODY FEELS GOOD.

YOU HAVE NO MONEY?

(chuckling) OH NO... NO...

AND THERE'S NO
PARADISE TOWERS EITHER.

WELL, I'M SURE THERE
IS... SOMEWHERE.

- WELL, THAT WAS DELICIOUS.
- Janet: MM-HMM.

AND NOW I MUST BE GOING,
I-I HAVE A CAB WAITING.

A CAB WITH THE METER RUNNING?

OH YES, YOU SEE? I FALL DOWN AND
SOMEBODY PAYS THE DRIVER AND SENDS ME HOME.

PEOPLE ARE SO NICE.

AND... YOU'RE SO NICE.

I KNOW YOU'LL FIND YOUR
PARADISE TOWERS SOME DAY.

GOODBYE.

(lightly chuckling) HUH,
I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

- FURLEY, MR. FURLEY!
- (both gasp)

- WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
- I DON'T KNOW.

- DO? WE'RE GOING
TO APOLOGIZE.
- Janet: YEAH.

HUMBLY, ABJECTLY, PROFUSELY...

AND A LITTLE CRAWLING
WOULDN'T HURT.

- ♪ BA BA BA BA BA BA BA... ♪
- (doorbell)

COME IN, IT'S OPEN.

UH, MR. FURLEY?

NICE MR. FURLEY!

- YES?
- M-M-MR. FURLEY?

WE ARE TERRIBLY SORRY
ABOUT EVERYTHING.

I DON'T CARE.

AND WE WANTED YOU TO
KNOW IT WAS ALL OUR FAULT.

I DON'T GIVE A DIDDLEY-DOO-DARN

ABOUT ANYTHING THAT HAPPENS
IN THIS FLEABAG ANYMORE.

YOU CAN DIG HOLES IN
THE WALL, IN THE FLOOR,

IN THE CEILING FOR ALL I CARE!

YOU-YOU MEAN WE CAN STAY?

YES! YOU'RE MY
BROTHER'S PROBLEM NOW.

MY BIG-MOUTH, KNOW-IT-ALL IDIOT
BROTHER WHO'S ALWAYS BOSSING ME AROUND!

OH HI, BART!

I WAS JUST TALKING ABOUT YOU.

YEAH, AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT I'VE ALWAYS HATED YOU

FROM YOUR POINTED HEAD RIGHT
DOWN TO YOUR POINTED TOES!

AND THAT GOES
FOR YOUR MEAN WIFE,

AND YOUR WEIRD KIDS,
AND YOUR MANGY DOG!

AND I'M NOT WORKING FOR YOU FOR
PEANUTS ANYMORE BECAUSE I QUIT!

(laughing) WELL, HOW DO YOU
LIKE THEM GREEN APPLES?

MR. FURLEY, THIS ISN'T LIKE YOU!

- YOU NOTICED
THE IMPROVEMENT, HUH?
- WHAT HAPPENED?

WHAT HAPPENED? I'LL
TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED!

I WAS OUT FRONT AND
SOME OLD GUY FELL DOWN.

WELL, I PICKED HIM
UP, PUT HIM IN A CAB,

AND HE WAS SO GRATEFUL, HE MADE ME
THE NEW MANAGER OF PARADISE TOWERS!

OH NO... OH
MR. FURLEY, CHEER UP.

YEAH, JACK WILL FIX IT
UP WITH YOUR BROTHER.

I DON'T THINK IT'LL WORK.

SHH... MR. BART FURLEY?

YES, I'M DR. TRIPPER.

I'M CALLING ON BEHALF
OF YOUR BROTHER RALPH.

WHAT? NO... NO, NO,
NO, HE COULDN'T HAVE.

NO, THAT MUST HAVE BEEN
SOME PRACTICAL JOKER.

NO, YOUR BROTHER RALPH
FOR THE LAST 24 HOURS

HAS BEEN SUFFERING FROM
AN ACUTE CASE OF LARYNGITIS.

YES. NURSE, WOULD YOU HELP MR. FURLEY
OVER HERE TO THE PHONE, PLEASE?

I WOULD LIKE YOU TO LISTEN TO
YOUR BROTHER FOR YOURSELF.

(rasping) BA... BA... BA...

YES, MR. FURLEY
WANTS YOU TO KNOW

THAT HE SENDS HIS LOVE TO YOU AND YOUR
WONDERFUL FAMILY, AND YOUR LOVELY DOG,

AND HOPES EVERYTHING IS
JUST PEACHY WHERE YOU ARE.

YES. THANK YOU, I'LL TELL HIM.

- THANK YOU. BYE-BYE.
- WHAT'D HE SAY, WHAT'D HE SAY?

HE JUST SAYS THANK YOU FOR
DOING A GREAT JOB OVER HERE!

- (all cheer)
- NOW WILL YOU CALL HERBIE

AND TELL HIM TO FIX THE HOLE IN
THE WALL AND THE THERMOSTAT?

- (rasping)
- Chrissy: OH, COME ON!

(theme music playing)

"THREE'S COMPANY" WAS VIDEOTAPED
IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.