Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 4, Episode 5 - Jack the Ripper - full transcript

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(phone buzzes)

OH YES, SEND MR. TRIPPER IN.

I GOT UP HERE AS
FAST AS I COULD.

DEAN TRAVERS, I DON'T
KNOW WHY YOU CALLED ME IN,

BUT WHATEVER I
DID, IT WASN'T ME.

OH NO, GEE, I'M SORRY.

I WAS MAKING A CHOCOLATE
CAKE WHEN YOU CALLED

AND I RUSHED RIGHT
OVER. HERE YOU GO.

HERE'S MR. TRIPPER'S FILE.



(laughs) I WON'T NEED THIS.

- I KNOW ALL ABOUT HIM.
- (giggles) ME TOO.

- SIT DOWN, TRIPPER.
- LOOK, MR. TRAVERS,

IF THIS IS ABOUT STEVIE
MITCHELL'S PEACH FLAMBÉ,

I WAS JUST TRYING
TO HELP HIM OUT.

- NEVER MIND, TRIPPER.
- NO, YOU SEE, I WAS POURING
THE BRANDY IN FOR HIM

WHEN SALLY LARSON CAME BY.

YOU KNOW, SALLY'S SO GORGEOUS.

- TRIPPER, I...
- I HAD BEEN TRYING TO MEET HER FOR MONTHS.

I STARTED TALKING. PRETTY
SOON, I'M TALKING AND POURING

- AND POURING AND TALKING,
- TRIPPER, THIS IS NOT...

AND THEN STEVIE LIT THE FLAMBÉ.

BUT HE'S GOTTEN OVER IT NOW.

HIS EYEBROWS ARE JUST
STARTING TO GROW BACK IN.

TRIPPER, I'M GONNA PAY
YOU A HIGH COMPLIMENT.

WHAT, YOU LIKED THE WAY
I BURNED HIS EYEBROWS?

NO, NO... I MEAN, THIS SATURDAY,

I'M HAVING A FEW FRIENDS
IN FOR A GOURMET DINNER...

AND I WANT YOU TO COOK IT.

REALLY, SIR?

WOW, THIS SATURDAY, I WAS
GONNA GO OUT ON A DATE WITH SALLY,

BUT I'M SURE SHE'LL
UNDERSTAND. AFTER ALL,

A JOB'S A JOB, AND THE
MONEY WILL COME IN HANDY.

MONEY? (laughs)

OH NO, TRIPPER. I MEAN,
YOU'RE STILL A STUDENT.

YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO DAMAGE
YOUR AMATEUR STANDING, WOULD YOU?

- WELL, NO, BUT THAT'S A LOT OF WORK...
- OH...

THIS IS A BIG HONOR FOR YOU.

AND IT'S GOOD EXPERIENCE.

WELL, THAT'S NOT
FAIR, IS IT, SIR, FOR ME

- TO DO ALL
THAT WORK FOR FREE?
- LET ME PUT IT LIKE THIS:

HOW MUCH LONGER HAVE YOU
GOT TO GO BEFORE YOU GRADUATE?

A YEAR.

WELL, YOU WANT IT TO BE
A HAPPY ONE, DON'T YOU?

YES SIR, BUT I THINK I
SHOULD GET PAID FOR IT.

GOOD, THEN I'LL SEE
YOU THIS SATURDAY.

- A CHEF SHOULD...
- OH, A SIMPLE SEVEN-COURSE DINNER

- WILL BE ADEQUATE.
- BUT FOR NO MONEY
AT ALL? I MEAN...

I'LL TELL YOU, WE CAN'T GET
MR. FURLEY TO DO ANYTHING.

JACK ASKED HIM TO PAINT THE
KITCHEN CABINETS, HE SAID NO.

- SO JACK HAD
TO DO IT HIMSELF.
- YEAH.

OH, IT MUST BE SO NICE TO
HAVE A MAN AROUND THE HOUSE.

YOU OUGHT TO KNOW, YOU
WERE MARRIED THREE TIMES.

I HAD THREE MEN
AROUND THE HOUSE.

THEY WERE ALSO AROUND
MY NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE,

MY GIRLFRIEND'S HOUSE,

THEIR SECRETARIES' HOUSE.

THEY WERE REALLY
HELPFUL, WEREN'T THEY?

CHRISSY...

I DON'T THINK THEY WERE
PAINTING ANY KITCHEN CABINETS.

(gasps)

HOW AWFUL! (tisks)

MEN! NO WONDER YOU GAVE UP
MARRIAGE AND WENT INTO BUSINESS.

(clears throat)

WELL, MEN CAN GIVE YOU
HEARTACHES IN BUSINESS TOO.

YOU KNOW, WHEN I FIRST
BECAME AN EXECUTIVE,

THEY DIDN'T EVEN
GIVE ME A SECRETARY?

NO KIDDING? HOW COME?

BECAUSE I'M A WOMAN, THEY
EXPECTED ME TO DO MY OWN TYPING.

YEAH, THEY DIDN'T GIVE
ME A SECRETARY EITHER.

YOU ARE A SECRETARY.

I KNOW.

(doorbell rings)

EXCUSE ME.

BUT I STILL HAVE TO
DO MY OWN TYPING.

OH, HELLO. COME
IN, LOOK WHO'S HERE.

HI, FOLKS.

OH, RALPH. JUST THE
MAN THAT I WANTED TO SEE.

WELL, FEAST YOUR EYES, LANA.

BUT TRY TO CONTROL YOURSELF
IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN.

I WANT MY APARTMENT REPAINTED.

WELL, NOW THAT'S NOT UP TO
ME. I'LL HAVE TO ASK MY BROTHER.

HE'S THE OWNER, I'M
JUST THE MANAGER.

AND I WOULD ALSO LIKE
SHELVES PUT UP IN MY CLOSETS.

LOOK, AFTER THAT
LAST JOB I DID FOR YOU,

MY BROTHER WARNED ME ABOUT
SPENDING TOO MUCH MONEY.

I'M LIABLE TO GET FIRED IF...

AND I'D LIKE IT ALL DONE
BY FRIDAY. BYE BYE, GIRLS.

- GOODBYE, LANA.
- Mr. Furley:
BUT, LANA...

I'M NOT GONNA DO IT!

- MAKE THAT THURSDAY.
- THURSDAY, RIGHT.

WHY CAN'T I LEARN TO SAY NO?

YOU SAY NO TO JACK.

YOU'RE DARN RIGHT
I DO. WHERE IS HE?

HE LEFT THIS BILL FOR SOME
PAINT INSIDE MY MAILBOX.

OH, WHAT COLOR DID YOU PAINT
THE INSIDE OF YOUR MAILBOX?

I DIDN'T PAINT THE
INSIDE OF MY MAILBOX.

WE'LL BE GLAD TO LEND
YOU SOME OF OUR PAINT.

WE HAVE SOME LEFTOVER
FROM THE KITCHEN CABINETS.

CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A MINUTE?

SURE.

THIS WAS INSIDE MY MAILBOX.

I HOPE YOU DIDN'T
GET PAINT ALL OVER IT.

THERE ISN'T ANY
PAINT IN MY MAILBOX.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

OH, JACK. JACK, COME HERE.

MR. FURLEY HAS GOT A PROBLEM.

I DON'T WANNA HEAR ANY
PROBLEMS. I GOT ENOUGH OF MY OWN.

- Chrissy: WHAT'S WRONG?
- TRAVERS WANTS ME
TO COOK

FOR A DINNER PARTY
HE'S HAVING, FOR FREE.

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL HIM
YOU COULDN'T MAKE IT?

I TRIED, CHRISSY, BUT HE'S ONE OF
THESE PEOPLE WHO SOUND SO POSITIVE.

HE'S A REAL AUTHORITY FIGURE,
AND THAT ALWAYS WIPES ME OUT.

SOUNDS LIKE MY BROTHER,
BART, THE BIG DICTATOR.

JACK, YOU HAVE GOT TO
LEARN HOW TO SAY NO.

- YEAH, WHO TEACHES THAT?
- MY MOTHER.

ON MY FIRST DATE, SHE REALLY
SHOWED ME HOW TO SAY NO.

- Jack: HOW?
- SHE WENT ALONG WITH ME.

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

IT SOUNDS TO ME LIKE
YOU NEED DR. PRESCOTT.

WHO'S HE?

HE'S A PSYCHOLOGIST.

HE'S AN EXPERT ON
ASSERTIVENESS TRAINING.

HE WROTE THAT BOOK, "YES
IS A FOUR-LETTER WORD."

NO, I DON'T NEED ANY
BOOK. IT WON'T HELP ME.

IF YOU DISAGREE WITH SOMEONE, YOU
COULD HIT THEM ON THE HEAD WITH IT.

- Jack: CHRISSY...
- ESPECIALLY IF IT'S
A HEAVY SUBJECT.

Jack: RIGHT.

CHRISSY...

YOU KNOW, JACK, THE COMPANY
THAT OWNS MY FLOWER SHOP,

THEY'RE SENDING ALL
THEIR SALESPEOPLE TO HIM.

OH, NICE TRY. FORGET
IT, JANET, JUST FORGET IT.

I GOTTA BE GOING, SO WOULD YOU
PLEASE EXPLAIN THIS BILL FOR THE PAINT?

YEAH, SOMEBODY PAINTED THE INSIDE OF
HIS MAILBOX AND HE WANTS US TO PAY FOR IT.

WILL YOU FORGET
ABOUT MY MAILBOX?

LET'S JUST SAY I FOUND THE BILL
FOR THE PAINT UNDER MY DOOR.

WHAT COLOR DID YOU
PAINT UNDER YOUR DOOR?

I DIDN'T PAINT UNDER MY DOOR!

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I'M NOT PAYING FOR ANY
PAINT YOU USED IN THE KITCHEN.

- NEITHER AM I.
- OH YES, YOU ARE.

- LOOK, MR. FURLEY, WHY CAN'T WE JUST...
- THE ANSWER IS NO!

WHY CAN'T I BE THAT WAY
WITH MY BROTHER AND LANA?

JANET, WHAT'S THAT
DR. PRESCOTT'S ADDRESS?

AW, HONEY.

DR. PRESCOTT?

(clears throat)

- HI, I'M JACK TRIPPER.
- YES, MR. TRIPPER. SIT DOWN.

WHY'D YOU SIT DOWN?

- YOU TOLD ME TO.
- DO YOU DO EVERYTHING
PEOPLE TELL YOU TO?

NO, OF COURSE NOT.

THEN STAND UP.

YOU DID IT AGAIN.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU WANT ME TO DO.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL
ME WHAT YOU WANNA DO?

I WANNA SIT DOWN.

WHAT ARE YOU TELLING ME FOR?
IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS. SIT DOWN.

OH NO, YOU DON'T. YOU
ALREADY PULLED THAT ONE.

TRIPPER, YOU LEARN FAST.

YOU ARE GOING TO
BE A GOOD STUDENT.

- THANK YOU, SIR.
- SIT DOWN, WE'LL
GET STARTED.

- AH, GOT YOU.
- HEY!

YOU ARE GOOD.

SELF-IMAGE, TRIPPER.
IT'S A POWERFUL TOOL.

- WHEW.
- I BET THAT
YOU'RE AWARE

THAT I'VE CONTROLLED YOUR EVERY
MOVE SINCE YOU CAME INTO THIS ROOM.

- WELL, YEAH.
- AND THAT IS WHAT
I CAN TEACH YOU.

OH, WELL, I... GEE, I...

I'D LIKE THAT. THAT
WOULD BE SUPER.

YOU'VE GOT A LONG WAY
TO GO, THOUGH, TRIPPER.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.

DO YOU KNOW THAT I CAN MAKE YOU
SIT DOWN WITHOUT SAYING A WORD?

I'D LIKE TO SEE THAT.

- YOU PUSHED.
- NO, NO, NO,
NOT EXACTLY,

YOU SEE, YOUR SELF-IMAGE
ALLOWED ME TO PUSH YOU DOWN.

NOW, I WANT YOU TO NAME
SOMETHING THAT I COULDN'T PUSH DOWN.

WHAT YOU MEAN, LIKE...

- LIKE AN ELEPHANT,
OR SOMETHING?
- GOOD, TRIPPER.

VERY, VERY GOOD. NOW...

I WANT YOU TO THINK
LIKE AN ELEPHANT.

I WANT YOU TO
BECOME AN ELEPHANT.

- I DON'T KNOW ABOUT...
- YOU'RE WALKING THROUGH THE JUNGLE.

- I DON'T THINK I CAN...
- WALK.

DRAGGING YOUR MASSIVE
HOOVES THROUGH THE UNDERBRUSH.

YES, YES.

NOW, YOU'RE BEATING BACK
THE VINE WITH YOUR TRUNK.

VERY GOOD. VERY GOOD.

(trumpets)

EXCELLENT, NOW... I
WANT YOU TO STAND...

I WANT YOU TO STAND
IN FRONT OF THIS CHAIR.

AND REMEMBER, YOU
ARE AN ELEPHANT!

WHAT WAS THAT? YOU
PUSHED ME DOWN AGAIN.

I PUSHED AN ELEPHANT
DOWN. AND DO YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE I AM KING KONG.

YOU SEE, TRIPPER,
IT IS ALL SELF-IMAGE.

YOU ARE AMAZING.

YEAH, WELL...

THANKS. ANYONE
CAN DO IT, EVEN YOU.

AND HERE IS THE KEY TO IT ALL.

I WANT YOU TO WRITE THIS DOWN.

(barks)

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

THAT WAS PRESCOTT'S
COMMAND... BARK.

B-A-R-K.

"B"... BE SOMEBODY.

"A"... ACT LIKE SOMEBODY.

"R"... REACT LIKE SOMEBODY.

"K"... KOLLECT YOUR REWARDS.

- ISN'T "COLLECT"
WITH A "C"?
- YES, IT IS, TRIPPER,

BUT THAT WOULD SPELL "BARC."

NOW, WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE
YOU'RE LOSING YOUR TEMPER,

YOU COUNT TO 10.

BUT IF YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE
LOSING AN ARGUMENT...

BARK. NOW... LET ME
HEAR YOU, TRIPPER.

BARK?

OKAY.

ARF?

AGAIN. WWW...

WWW... Both: WWWOOO FFF.

Both: WOOF!

(both barking)

(laughs)

THAT FEELS GREAT.

THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT
I'M LOOKING FOR, DOCTOR,

- DON'T YOU HAVE CLASSES
OF SOME KIND?
- I DO.

I HAVE ONE STARTING
NEXT MONTH ON THE 13th.

- DON'T YOU HAVE
ANYTHING SOONER THAN THAT?
- YOU'VE BEEN A WIMP THIS LONG,

WHAT'S ANOTHER MONTH?

I'LL SEE YOU IN CLASS, TRIPPER.

- OH, THANKS, DOCTOR.
- AND DO NOT FORGET, JACK...

- WHAT?
- (barks loudly)

YES, SIR. EXCUSE ME.

USE THE OTHER DOOR, PLEASE.

OH, YEAH...
- SORRY.
- JACK...

ELEPHANTS ARE NEVER SORRY.

RIGHT. RIGHT.

(door closes)

WENDY, SEND IN THE
NEXT PATIENT, PLEASE.

(phone buzzes)

TRIPPER? HE PROBABLY FORGOT
WHAT TIME TO BE THERE SATURDAY.

TELL HIM 5:30.

I'M VERY BUSY.
WHAT IS IT, TRIPPER?

DEAN TRAVERS, I'M NOT COMING
TO YOUR HOUSE SATURDAY NIGHT.

DON'T BE SILLY. OF
COURSE, YOU ARE!

I'LL SEE YOU AT 5:30.
GOODBYE, TRIPPER.

(growls)

(barks)

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

MY TIME IS WORTH MONEY, I'M NOT
WORKING FOR YOU FOR NOTHING.

TRIPPER, HAVE YOU BEEN SMOKING

ANY OF THOSE THINGS FROM
THE HEALTH FOOD CLASS?

MR. TRAVERS, I'M NOT COMING
TO YOUR PLACE SATURDAY NIGHT.

- HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?
- YOU DON'T SHOW UP,
YOU DON'T GRADUATE.

- HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?
- THEN I'LL TELL MY FRIEND
FROM "THE TIMES"

TO GO AHEAD WITH HIS STORY
ABOUT HOW A HIGH COLLEGE OFFICIAL

USES HIS POSITION TO GET
SLAVE LABOR FROM HIS STUDENTS.

- HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?
- TRIPPER...

WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY
YOU DIDN'T WANNA COME?

- OF COURSE,
YOU'RE EXCUSED.
- THANK YOU, DEAN TRAVERS.

I LIKE YOU. YOU'RE OKAY.

(barks)

CHRISSY, WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH
THIS WALLPAPER BOOK THREE TIMES.

NOW WHY CAN'T YOU
MAKE UP YOUR MIND?

'CAUSE I DON'T
KNOW WHAT'S IN IT.

(sighs) I GIVE UP. I GIVE UP.

OH, JANET, I'M SORRY.

I FEEL TERRIBLE.

JACK DOES ALL THE PAINTING, AND
YOU GO DOWN AND GET ALL THESE BOOKS

AND I DON'T DO ANYTHING.

I CAN'T EVEN HELP YOU PICK.

OH, CHRISSY, I'M SORRY.

DON'T FEEL SO BAD.

YOU'LL BE A BIG HELP
WHEN WE HANG THE PAPER.

NO, I WON'T. I REMEMBER ONE TIME I HELPED
MY COUSIN PUT PAPER IN HER BEDROOM,

IT FELL RIGHT DOWN, PULLED THE
STAPLES RIGHT OUT OF THE WALL.

WHY DID YOU USE STAPLES
TO PUT UP WALLPAPER?

WE RAN OUT OF SCOTCH TAPE.

OKAY, WELL, WE'RE GONNA
USE WALLPAPER PASTE

AND THEN YOU WILL BE
A REAL BIG HELP, OKAY?

- OKAY.
- OKAY, HONEY,

NOW LET'S GET THIS
DONE, ALL RIGHT?

ALL RIGHT, LET'S... YEAH? NO?

AWW, THAT'S CUTE.
OLD-FASHIONED SLEDS

IN A SNOWSTORM. DO
YOU LIKE THAT ONE?

- NO.
- WHY NOT?

BECAUSE... (laughs)

THIS KIND OF REMINDS ME, ONE TIME I
WENT SLED RIDING WITH MY BROTHER,

AND HE WANTED TO RIDE IN
FRONT 'CAUSE HE LIKED TO STEER.

HE MADE ME RIDE IN THE BACK, AND
I HELD ONTO HIM AROUND HIS CHEST.

- WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
- NOTHING.

BUT THE NEXT TIME I WENT DOWN THE
HILL, I WENT WITH HIS FRIEND, OSCAR.

OSCAR MADE ME SIT IN THE FRONT.

WHY?

A COUPLE OF REASONS.

- OH. - YEAH, "OH." (laughs)

I'LL TELL YOU, I LEARNED
A LOT ON THAT SLED RIDE.

WHAT?

(laughs)

I LEARNED HOW TO STEER A
FLEXIBLE FLYER WITH ONE HAND

AND PUNCH OUT
OSCAR WITH THE OTHER.

OH. YEAH.

- OKAY, NO SLEDS.
- OKAY, THANK YOU.

(laughs)

LET'S SEE. OH, GOSH.

(sighs) THAT, MAYBE? YEAH?

NO. OKAY.

HEY, THIS FLOWER PATTERN'S NICE.

OH GOOD, I LIKE THAT,
TOO. THANK YOU, LORD.

THANK YOU. ALL DONE.
FLOWER PATTERN.

HEY, I DID IT, I DID IT!

YOU DID IT WHAT?
YOU DID IT WHAT?

I TOLD TRAVERS OFF AND GOT
OUT OF COOKING DINNER FOR HIM.

AND I HAVE YOU TO THANK FOR IT.

WHAT ARE YOU KISSING ME
FOR? I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

OH, I'M SORRY.
I'LL TAKE IT BACK.

- HOW ABOUT ME?
- YEAH, HOW ABOUT YOU?

IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU WENT
TO SEE DR. PRESCOTT.

OH YEAH, HE'S TERRIFIC.

YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN
ME TELL TRAVERS OFF.

WHEN I LEFT HIS OFFICE, HE
HAD HIS TAIL BETWEEN HIS LEGS.

WOW, THAT'S NOT EASY. I TRIED
THAT IN YOGA CLASS ONE TIME.

(laughs) I TRIED THAT
IN YOGA CLASS...

THAT'S CUTE, JANET,
THAT'S REALLY... NO...

IT'S SO AMAZING WHAT A
LITTLE FOUR-LETTER WORD

- CAN DO TO YOUR LIFE.
- YOU DIDN'T CALL HIM THAT.

NO, NO, NO.

NO, B-A-R-K... YOU WOULDN'T
UNDERSTAND UNLESS YOU EXPERIENCED IT.

ALL I CAN TELL YOU
IS I'M A NEW MAN.

GOOD. YOU'LL LOOK GOOD
IN OUR NEW BATHROOM.

- WHAT NEW BATHROOM?
- OH, OH!

WE PICKED OUT NEW
WALLPAPER. I THINK YOU'LL LIKE IT.

- YEAH?
- IT'S A REAL NIFTY
LITTLE PATTERN.

- LET ME SHOW YOU.
- MM-HMM.

OH, YEAH, RIGHT ON THE
SPOT. NICE FLOWERS AND STUFF.

ISN'T IT BEAUTIFUL?

ALL PINK AND BLUE.

NO, NOT FOR OUR BATHROOM.

WHY NOT?

NO, IT'S TOO FEMININE.

IT IS NOT.

JACK, HALF OF THESE
ARE BOY FLOWERS.

HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?

WHAT DO YOU THINK, FLOWERS
GET BROUGHT BY THE STORK?

I DON'T LIKE IT.

YOU'LL LOVE IT ONCE
IT'S ON THE WALL.

ONCE IT'S UP, YOU'RE
REALLY GONNA GET USED TO IT.

I TOLD YOU MY OPINION, GIRLS.

Janet: REALLY, WHEN YOU
SEE IT UP, IT'LL BE DIFFERENT.

MAYBE.

(Jack barking)

- NO FLOWERS.
- Janet: WHAT?

- NO FLOWERS!
- WAIT A MINUTE, JACK.

CHRISSY AND I LIKE THE FLOWERS.

OH YEAH? WELL, I DON'T.

HOLD IT, FELLAS. NO ARGUING.

LET'S TAKE A VOTE,
THAT'S A DEMOCRATIC WAY.

NO, NO VOTE!

WELL, SHOULDN'T
THE MAJORITY RULE?

NOT WHEN IT'S TWO
AGAINST AN ELEPHANT.

- ARE YOU... DO YOU...
- I'LL FIND THE WALLPAPER THAT I LIKE.

- I...
- HERE!

THIS IS THE ONE. RIGHT HERE,

THIS IS THE ONE THAT'S
GOING UP ON OUR WALL.

I LOVE THIS WALLPAPER, AND
THAT'S WHAT IT'S GONNA BE.

(barks)

HE PICKED THE ONE
WITH THE SLEDS.

LET'S GO IN THERE
AND PUNCH HIM OUT.

- JACK, LISTEN TO ME...
- (growls)

(softly) JACK, LISTEN TO ME...

I WANNA TALK TO YOU
ABOUT THE WALLPAPER.

SAVE YOUR BREATH. I TOLD
YOU WHICH WALLPAPER I WANT

- AND THAT'S ALL
THERE IS TO IT.
- YEAH, YEAH.

- THAT'S
THE ONE WE'LL HAVE.
- YEAH, I HEARD THAT PART.

- END OF CONVERSATION.
- LOOK, WE ARE REASONABLE
PEOPLE, OKAY?

AT LEAST TWO OF US ARE.

DON'T HELP ME.

LOOK, JACK... (sighs)

I GOT A REALLY GOOD REASON
WHY I DON'T WANT THOSE SLEDS.

AND I TOLD YOU I
WANTED THAT WALLPAPER.

WE CAN'T HAVE THEM.
IT'S BAD FOR HER CHEST.

WHAT?!

LOOK, MY MIND IS MADE UP.

NOBODY IS GONNA WALK ALL
OVER ME EVER AGAIN, UNDERSTAND?

WAIT A MINUTE. ARE YOU TRYING
TO SAY THAT FROM NOW ON,

- YOUR WORD
IS LAW AROUND HERE?
- SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

- Chrissy: JACK,
THAT'S NOT LIKE YOU.
- IT IS NOW.

JACK, LOOK, WE CAN'T GO ON
LIVING TOGETHER LIKE THAT.

- THEN MAYBE WE SHOULDN'T.
- WHAT? JACK, LISTEN...

- (Janet screams)
- LOOK, I'M NOT
BEING HARSH.

IT'S JUST THE WAY I'M GOING TO ACT
TOWARD EVERYBODY FROM NOW ON.

WATCH THIS.

WE OUGHT TO SUE
DR. PRESCOTT FOR MALPRACTICE.

FURLEY? TRIPPER.
GET UP HERE AND FAST,

I WANNA TALK TO YOU
RIGHT NOW. MOVE IT!

- SEE THAT?
- OH...

YOU THINK HE'LL RUN UP HERE 'CAUSE
YOU PICKED UP A PHONE AND YELLED?

(knocking)

WHAT KEPT YOU?

OKAY, FURLEY, I
WANNA TALK TO YOU.

YOU OWE US FOR THE PAINT
WE USED IN THE KITCHEN

AND THE WALLPAPER
WE'LL USE IN THE BATHROOM

AND YOU'LL PAY FOR IT. NOW
WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY TO THAT?

(barks)

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

(barks)

OH YEAH? WELL..

(barks)

(both barking, Janet laughing)

WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING
AT? WHAT'S SO FUNNY?

(continues laughing) YOU...

YOU TWO, YOU LOOK RIDICULOUS.

STUPID'S A BETTER WORD.

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
B.A.R.K IS THE KEY TO POWER.

THAT'S RIGHT: "BE SOMEBODY,

ACT LIKE SOMEBODY, REACT L..."

Both: DR. PRESCOTT.

OH NO, I'VE CREATED
TWO MONSTERS!

SHE'S RIGHT. LISTEN, WE
SHOULD TALK THIS OUT.

- YEAH.
- SIT DOWN.

OH NO, YOU DON'T. (laughs)

I'D RATHER STAND. THANK YOU.

YOU SEE, I WANTED HIM TO
STAND, THAT'S WHY I SAID SIT DOWN.

- SEE?
- OH? WELL,
WATCH THIS.

I GOT HIM TO SIT!
I GOT HIM TO SIT!

- YOU WANTED ME TO STAND!
- NO, ORIGINALLY,
I WANTED YOU TO SIT.

- STAND! STAND!
- SIT! SIT!

(both barking)

JACK, MR. FURLEY... HEEL!

SHEESH!

DO I LOOK AS SILLY AS YOU DO?

SILLIER.

GET UP. GET UP.

(sighs) STAY!

LOOK, MR. FURLEY,

WE'LL PAY FOR THE WALLPAPER
AND YOU PAY FOR THE PAINT.

- THAT SOUNDS FAIR.
- YEAH.

HEY, CHRISSY,
THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

HOW DID YOU THINK OF IT?

JUST COMMON SENSE.

IT'S LIKE IF A MOMMA BIRD
HAS ONLY ONE BABY BIRD

AND TWO WORMS, SHE'S NOT GONNA GO
OUT AND GET ANOTHER BABY BIRD, IS SHE?

WHY DON'T YOU TWO FELLOWS
JUST SHAKE HANDS AND MAKE UP?

OKAY, I'LL SEE YOU AROUND.

OKAY.

OH, MR. FURLEY,

DON'T FORGET TO HANG A WET-PAINT
SIGN IN FRONT OF YOUR MAILBOX.

RIGHT.

HOW ABOUT THIS ONE? THIS
ONE BLENDS A BIT. DO YOU LIKE IT?

YEAH, THAT'S PRETTY
GOOD. YOU KNOW, JACK,

THIS AFTERNOON WHEN YOU
WERE BARKING AT FURLEY,

IT WAS THE SILLIEST THING
I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.

YEAH, JANET, I KNOW.
YOU TOLD ME ALREADY.

I DIDN'T KNOW WHETHER TO SPANK YOU OR
HIT YOU ON THE NOSE WITH A NEWSPAPER.

ALL RIGHT, GIRLS,
OKAY. THAT'S ENOUGH.

I ADMIT, I DID LOOK
KIND OF DUMB,

- Janet: YEAH.
- I MEAN, HOW COULD I
LET A GUY

TALK ME INTO WALKING AROUND
THE HOUSE BARKING ALL THE TIME?

FROM NOW ON,

- I'M JUST
GONNA BE MYSELF.
- Janet: GOOD.

OH NO!

IT'S A FULL MOON.

(theme music playing)

Ritter's voice: "THREE'S
COMPANY" WAS VIDEOTAPED

IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.