Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 4, Episode 4 - Snow Job - full transcript

(theme music playing)

♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪

♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪

♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE
HERS AND HERS AND HIS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪

♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪

- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪

♪ WE'VE A LOVABLE SPACE
THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪



♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO. ♪

- 39, 40, 41, 42...
- JACK? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M COUNTING THE CARDS
FOR TONIGHT'S POKER GAME.

42, 43, 44...

I DIDN'T KNOW WE WERE
GONNA PLAY POKER TONIGHT.

YOU'RE NOT, I AM.
IT'S FOR MEN ONLY.

- 46, 47... JANET?
- HMM?

WHY ARE THERE
ONLY 47 CARDS HERE?

OH... WELL, CHRISSY AND I

WERE WATCHING THIS COWBOY MOVIE.



AND?

AND ONE OF THE COWBOYS
WAS PLAYING THAT GAME,

YOU KNOW, THE ONE WHERE THEY
THROW THEIR CARDS INTO A HAT.

SO?

SO CHRISSY AND I TRIED IT.

JANET, WHY ARE THERE FIVE
CARDS MISSING FROM THIS DECK?

WE COULDN'T FIND A HAT TO PLAY WITH,
SO WE HAD TO PLAY IN THE BATHROOM.

- OH NO.
- YEAH.

- YOU MEAN FIVE CARDS
WENT DOWN THE...
- RIGHT DOWN THE... YEAH.

CHRISSY THOUGHT IT
WAS A ROYAL FLUSH.

- CHRISSY, HI, HONEY.
- HI.

WHAT HAVE YOU GOT THERE?

I DIDN'T GET A RAISE,
THAT'S WHAT I'VE GOT THERE.

- WERE YOU DUE FOR ONE?
- YEAH.

POOR CHRISSY. DID YOU COMPLAIN?

I WOULDN'T GIVE THEM
THE SATISFACTION.

SO TO CHEER YOURSELF UP YOU
WENT OUT AND BOUGHT SOMETHING NEW?

HOW COULD I? I NEED A RAISE TO
BE ABLE TO BUY SOMETHING NEW.

BUT YOU DIDN'T GET A RAISE.

NO, THAT'S WHY I GOT THE BOX.

LET ME SEE WHAT'S
INSIDE THIS, OKAY?

CHRISSY, HOW COME THEY
WOULDN'T GIVE YOU A RAISE?

I DON'T KNOW. I'M THE
BEST SECRETARY THEY HAVE,

IF YOU DON'T COUNT MY
SHORTHAND AND TYPING.

- EASY TIME COSMETICS?
- THAT'S MY NEW PART-TIME JOB.

- DOING WHAT?
- SELLING.

YOU KNOW, DOOR-TO-DOOR, TO
FRIENDS, OVER THE TELEPHONE.

THESE ARE COSMETICS AND TOILETRIES
THAT EVERY MAN AND WOMAN CAN USE.

YEAH, WELL I DON'T USE LIPSTICK.

IT'S NOT JUST LIPSTICK,
IT'S AFTERSHAVE...

OH YEAH, WELL
JANET'LL LIKE THAT.

CHRISSY, YOU KNOW,
SELLING IS REALLY HARD WORK.

THE MAN AT EASY TIME COSMETICS
TOLD ME I'D MAKE A LOT OF MONEY.

HE SAID THAT THIS JOB
DOESN'T TAKE ANY ABILITY AT ALL

AND I'D BE PERFECT FOR IT.

YEAH, WELL, CHRISSY...

CHRISSY, YOU'LL BE GREAT.
YOU CAN SELL ANYTHING.

THANK YOU, JACK.

MERCY.

DO YOU REALLY BELIEVE
WHAT YOU JUST TOLD HER?

NO, BUT I JUST LOVE THE
WAY SHE SAYS THANK YOU.

YOU KNOW, CHRISSY TRIED SELLING
BEFORE AND SHE WAS A TOTAL FLOP.

DON'T YOU REMEMBER THAT
ALL PURPOSE KITCHEN KNIFE?

OH YES. SHE MADE $4.00
SELLING THE KNIVES,

BUT SPENT $5.00
BUYING BAND-AIDS.

I'M GONNA GO IN THE KITCHEN
AND I'M GONNA TELL HER THE TRUTH.

OH, HI. AHEM, CHRISSY,
I'VE BEEN THINKING.

HONEY, SOME PEOPLE JUST AREN'T
CUT OUT TO SELL DOOR-TO-DOOR.

I KNOW. BUT DON'T FEEL BAD, YOU
HAVE SO MANY OTHER ABILITIES.

(doorbell ringing)

DON'T YOU LAUGH,
DON'T YOU LAUGH.

- HI.
- HELLO.

GUESS WHAT, I'M A NEW SALESLADY
FOR EASY TIME COSMETICS

AND YOU GET TO BE MY
VERY FIRST CUSTOMER.

GUESS WHAT, YOU'RE WRONG.

- JACK, DARLING...
- HI, LANA, I WAS JUST TAKING A NAP.

YOU MUST COME OVER
TO MY APARTMENT WITH ME

AND HELP ME CHANGE MY LIGHTBULB.

THAT'S A SWITCH.

LANA, WHY CAN'T YOU
CHANGE IT YOURSELF?

THE FIXTURE IS TOO HIGH. IT'S
IN THE CEILING OF MY BEDROOM.

WHY DON'T YOU
JUST GET ON THE BED?

I THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER ASK.

- LANA, CONTROL YOURSELF.
- I CAN'T HELP MYSELF, JACK.

WHENEVER I'M CLOSE
TO YOU I GET THIS...

THIS TINGLING SENSATION
ALL OVER MY BODY.

HEY, IF YOU WANT
YOUR BODY TO TINGLE,

WHY DON'T YOU TRY SOME
OF MY NEW BATH LOTION?

IF BLONDES HAVE MORE FUN, WHY DO
THEY KEEP SPOILING IT FOR OTHER PEOPLE?

- NOW, JACK...
- (doorbell ringing)

EXCUSE ME, IT'S MY TURN
TO ANSWER THE DOOR.

OH, LOOK, IT'S MR. FURLEY.

MAYBE HE CAN TAKE
CARE OF YOUR BULB, LANA.

YEAH, I'M GREAT WITH FLOWERS.

WHY DON'T YOU GO PLANT YOURSELF?

- LATER, JACK.
- UHM.

SHE JUST CAN'T TRUST HERSELF
TO BE IN THE SAME ROOM WITH ME.

OH YEAH. I CAN TELL
SHE REALLY LIKES YOU.

YEAH, AND SHE SEEMS TO HAVE TAKEN A
MOTHERLY INTEREST IN YOU TOO, YOUNG FELLER.

- A MOTHERLY INTEREST?
- SURE, WHAT ELSE COULD IT BE?

KNOWING JACK'S...
INCLINATIONS, SO TO SPEAK.

OH YEAH, RIGHT, MY INCLINATIONS.

IT'S A DARN GOOD THING YOU'RE
NOT INTERESTED IN HER, TOO.

OTHERWISE YOU'D BE OUT
BAG, BAGGAGE AND PANTYHOSE.

WHAT CAN WE DO
FOR YOU, MR. FURLEY?

LARRY TOLD ME YOU'RE HAVING
A POKER GAME UP HERE TONIGHT.

POKER? WE'RE NOT
PLAYING ANY POKER.

THAT'S A SHAME. I GOT $100.00
JUST BURNING A HOLE IN MY POCKET

AND I'VE ALWAYS WANTED
TO LEARN HOW TO PLAY POKER.

OH, POKER. I'M SORRY, I
THOUGHT YOU SAID POOKER.

I'VE NEVER HEARD OF POOKER.

NEITHER HAVE I, THAT'S WHY IT
PUZZLED ME WHEN YOU SAID IT.

UH. HEY, WHY DON'T WE
PLAY DOWN AT MY PLACE?

THAT'S GREAT. I'LL GET IT TOGETHER AND
MEET YOU THERE AT 8:30. HOW ABOUT IT?

- GREAT.
- OKAY.

MR. FURLEY, BEFORE YOU GO,

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE
TO BUY SOME OF THIS

FANTASTIC NEW COLOGNE
I'M SELLING? IT'S ABSOLUTELY...

OH NO, THANKS, I GOT ALL I NEED.

I'M A MEMBER OF THE
ODOR-OF-THE-MONTH CLUB.

HOW WOULD YOU
LIKE SOME MUSK OIL?

NO, THANKS. MY
MUSK ISN'T SQUEAKING.

WELL, SEE YOU LATER.

NOW YOU SEE THAT, CHRISSY?
MR. FURLEY DIDN'T BUY ANYTHING EITHER.

I THINK YOU SHOULD GIVE UP
THE WHOLE IDEA OF SELLING.

YEAH, BUT HE'S A LANDLORD. LANDLORDS
ALWAYS SAY NO. I'M GONNA GO DOWN

TO THE REGAL BEAGLE, I BET I CAN
SELL SOME OF THIS STUFF THERE.

- SEE YOU LATER, CHRISSY.
- BYE, JACK.

- I THINK I'LL GRAB
SOMETHING TO EAT.
- WHAT ABOUT ME?

ALL RIGHT, I'LL GRAB YOU.

- HI, GUYS.
- HI.

- HI.
- WELL, HALLO THERE.

I'M SELLING, IF YOU'RE BUYING.

AND IT WON'T COST
YOU MUCH EITHER.

AT MY PRICES I'M
PRACTICALLY GIVING IT AWAY.

- HAVE A SEAT.
- RIGHT THERE.

NOW, I'M ONLY DOING
THIS PART TIME, YOU KNOW.

- I HAVE A REGULAR JOB.
- SURE, SURE, WE UNDERSTAND.

GOOD, 'CAUSE I'M WORKING
FOR REPEAT BUSINESS

AND IF YOU'RE NOT
COMPLETELY SATISFIED

I HAVE A MONEY BACK GUARANTEE.

I MUST BE DREAMING.

WHAT DO YOU SAY,
WE GO TO MY PLACE?

- AND ME TOO.
- WHY?

WE CAN TAKE CARE
OF IT RIGHT HERE.

- HERE?
- SURE.

THIS TABLE WILL DO JUST FINE.

I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT I'M SELLING.

- OH NO.
- NOT NOW, LATER.

I HAVE A FULL LINE OF SHAMPOO,

- AFTERSHAVE, COLOGNES...
- FORGET IT.

COME ON, NEIL, I'LL BUY
YOU ANOTHER DRINK.

YEAH.

YOU KNOW, FOR A MINUTE I
THOUGHT IT WAS CHRISTMAS.

JACK, YOUR COFFEE
REMINDS ME OF MY MOTHER'S.

- REALLY?
- SURE.

MY FATHER ALWAYS SAID IT
WAS GROUNDS FOR DIVORCE.

NOW DON'T YOU START WITH THAT.

NO, I WON'T DO IT
AGAIN, I PROMISE.

CHRISSY.

CHRISSY. WHAT'S THE MATTER?

THIS STUFF IS SUPPOSED
TO SELL ITSELF.

AND IT BETTER, BECAUSE
I CAN'T SELL ANY OF IT.

- I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT.
- OH, CHRISSY.

CHRISSY, NOW LISTEN,
THAT IS JUST NOT TRUE.

NO WONDER I DIDN'T GET A RAISE
AT THE OFFICE, I DON'T DESERVE IT.

CHRISSY, NO, A LOT OF PEOPLE
HAVE A ROUGH TIME SELLING IT FIRST.

NOT LIKE ME. TWO
MEN WALKED AWAY,

AND ONE MAN MADE ME
WRITE A LETTER TO HIS WIFE.

WHY?

BECAUSE I SPILLED A BOTTLE
OF PERFUME ALL OVER HIS PANTS.

CHRISSY, CHRISSY, I'M SURE YOU
CAN BE REAL GOOD AT SELLING,

JUST GOT TO LEARN TO BE TOUGH.

AND NO MATTER WHAT, NEVER
TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER.

- NO?
- NO, AND WHEN
YOU'RE SELLING,

YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO GO, GO, GO.

GO, GO, GO?

THAT'S RIGHT. AND REMEMBER,

NO MEANS YES. CAN YOU DO THAT?

YES.

GOOD. NOW WHY
ARE YOU SO UNHAPPY?

BECAUSE YES MEANS NO.

- CHRISSY.
- CHRISSY, WAIT A MINUTE.

- (doorbell rings)
- JACK, LET HER GO.

MAYBE SHE JUST NEEDS
TO BE ALONE FOR A WHILE.

OH HI, I WANTED...

I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT.
HE'S RIGHT OVER THERE.

- LANA, YOU GOT
TO DO ME A FAVOR.
- OH, I WILL IF YOU WILL.

LANA, IF YOU DO ME THIS FAVOR,
I'LL COME UP AND FIX YOUR BULB.

- ALL RIGHT?
- GOOD.

AND THEN WE'LL TURN IT
OFF, AND YOU CAN TURN ME ON.

NO, LANA, JUST A SECOND.

- LANA...
- OKAY, WHAT IS IT YOU WANT ME TO DO?

I JUST WANT YOU TO BUY THIS... WOULD
YOU BUY SOME STUFF FROM CHRISSY?

- IT'S A DEAL.
- IS IT, REALLY?

WILL YOU DO THAT? GREAT.

HANG OUT HERE FOR A COUPLE
OF SECONDS, I'LL CALL YOU OUT.

CHRISSY? COME HERE!

- JACK, WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?
- JUST WATCH.

- CHRISSY?
- WHAT?

LANA IS HERE. WHY DON'T YOU
TRY TO SELL HER SOME STUFF?

I DID ALREADY, JACK.
REMEMBER, SHE SAID NO.

IT WILL BE DIFFERENT
THIS TIME. LANA?

NOW REMEMBER, CHRISSY,
JUST GO, GO, GO, GO.

GO, GO, GO.

LANA, I HAVE THIS
FANTASTIC NEW FACE CREAM...

I'LL TAKE A DOZEN.

JUST GIVE IT A CHANCE.

YEAH, I'LL BUY IT.

ONCE YOU TRY IT, YOU WILL...

- DID YOU... DID YOU SAY...?
- JUST DROP IT OFF ANYTIME.

- JACK, IT WORKED!
- YOU SEE?

AND IT'S ALL BECAUSE
OF YOUR HELP.

- YOU FEEL BETTER?
- OH YEAH.

YOU KNOW SOMETHING?
I REALLY CAN SELL,

- ABSOLUTELY.
- GO, GO, GO REALLY WORKS.

- CHRISSY.
- YOU KNOW WHAT?

CHRISSY, WAIT A MINUTE... WHAT?

I'M GONNA GO
INTO THIS FULL TIME.

- CHRISSY...
- THANK YOU, THANK YOU, JACK.

Janet: CHRISSY, HONEY.

TOMORROW I'M GONNA
QUIT MY JOB AT THE OFFICE.

HOLD IT, JANET. I DON'T
WANT HER TO QUIT HER JOB.

WELL, SHE'S GOING TO,
AND IT'S YOUR FAULT.

I JUST WANTED TO CHEER HER UP.

I COULDN'T STAND SEEING HER SO
UNHAPPY, HER CHEST HEAVING WITH SOBS.

HER LIFE IS RUINED, AND
YOU'RE LOOKING AT HER CHEST.

I WASN'T LOOKING AT HER CHEST,
I WAS LOOKING AT HER HEAVES.

JACK, NOW LISTEN TO ME.

WE HAVE GOT TO CONVINCE
CHRISSY THAT SHE CAN NOT SELL.

AND THEN WE'VE GOT TO
CONVINCE HER NOT TO QUIT HER JOB.

SO HOW ARE WE GONNA DO THAT?

I'M GONNA TALK HER INTO GOING
DOWN TO THAT POKER GAME TONIGHT

AND TRYING TO SELL
STUFF TO THE GUYS.

WHAT FOR?

THINK, JACK.

IF I DO THAT, THEN
WHAT SHOULD YOU DO?

I... SHOULD... TELL THE GUYS
NOT TO BUY ANYTHING FROM HER?

- YEAH.
- SO THEN SHE'LL GIVE UP
THE WHOLE IDEA SELLING?

- GOOD.
- I'M GLAD
I THOUGHT OF THAT.

(doorbell ringing)

- HI.
- HI, JACK. COME ON IN.

YOU'RE THE FIRST ONE HERE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW YOU FURNISHED
THE ROPER'S OLD APARTMENT.

YEAH, IT'S ART DECO.

OH, WELL, HE'S THE BEST.

WELL, I'M ALL SET. I WENT OUT AND
BOUGHT THIS BOOK AND EVERYTHING.

WHAT IS IT?

IT'S CALLED "THE
MANY FACES OF POKER."

GET IT? POKER FACES?

WHY AREN'T YOU LAUGHING?

OH, POKERFACE.

- POKER HORNS?
- PARDON ME?

POKER HORNS.

- (doorbell ringing)
- EXCUSE ME... POKER HORNS.

- HI.
- HI.

THESE ARE MY FRIENDS, SYLVIA
AND LULU. GIRLS, MEET MR. FURLEY.

- HI.
- HI.

COME ON IN, COME ON IN.

AND THIS IS MY
FRIEND JACK TRIPPER.

- HI.
- HI.

- HI.
- (all): HI.

DID YOU GIRLS COME OVER
TO WATCH A HOT POKER GAME?

OH NO. WE CAME TO PLAY.

YOU DID? WELL, THEN SIT DOWN.

LARRY, LARRY, COME HERE.

- HI.
- CUT THE CRAP.

YOU CAN'T PLAY POKER WITH GIRLS.

RELAX. THEY BROUGHT
THEIR OWN MONEY.

OH GOOD. LET'S GET STARTED.

- (doorbell ringing)
- I GET IT.

LANA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I CAME TO COLLECT
ON YOUR PROMISE.

- I DIDN'T MEAN TONIGHT.
- WELL, I DID,

BUT WE'RE JUST ABOUT
TO START PLAYING.

THAT WAS MY IDEA TOO.

LOOK, LANA, I GOTTA
GET BACK TO THE GAME.

OH, I'LL COME IN
AND WAIT FOR YOU.

- HOW YOU DOING, LANA?
- HI.

HEY, YOU GUYS DIDN'T TELL ME
LANA WAS INVITED TO THE GAME.

PIECE DE RESISTANCE, UH?

♪ ?, I'LL GET YOU A CHAIR AND? ♪

NO, NO, NO, THANK YOU.

I HAVE MUCH MORE INTERESTING
WAYS TO LOSE MY MONEY.

POKER'S A BORE.

WE DON'T HAVE TO PLAY FOR MONEY.

HOW ABOUT A GAME OF STRIP POKER?

- STRIP POKER?
- WHAT?

THAT WILL DEFINITELY SEPARATE
THE MEN FROM THE GIRLS.

- IS JACK PLAYING?
- OF COURSE HE IS.

THEN I'M PLAYING.

LANA IS GONNA PLAY?

I'M NOT PLAYING ANY STRIP POKER.

NOW WAIT A MINUTE.

THIS IS MY PLACE AND THOSE ARE MY
CARDS, AND I SAY WE'RE PLAYING STRIP POKER.

- ARE YOU IN?
- ABSOLUTELY, I'M IN.

I HAVE A FAVOR TO ASK OF ALL OF
YOU, I ALMOST FORGOT ABOUT IT.

CHRISSY IS GONNA BE COMING DOWN
HERE TO TRY TO SELL YOU GUYS SOME THINGS.

PLEASE, DON'T
ANYBODY BUY ANYTHING.

- WHY?
- JUST PROMISE ME
YOU WON'T BUY ANYTHING.

OTHERWISE I CAN'T STAY.

OKAY, NOBODY BUYS ANYTHING.
LET'S PLAY SOME STRIP POKER.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

UH... I'M JUST GONNA PUT
ON A JACKET AND A TIE.

BUT QUITTING YOUR JOB,
THAT'S A REALLY BIG STEP.

AT LEAST YOU SHOULD
THINK ABOUT IT FOR A WHILE.

JANET, THINKING
NEVER WORKS FOR ME.

LANA IS THE ONLY
PERSON YOU'VE SOLD TO.

YEAH, AND SHE DOESN'T EVEN
LIKE ME AND I MADE HER BUY.

YES, CHRISSY, BUT THAT'S
STILL JUST ONE CUSTOMER.

YEAH, AND ONE IS
MY LUCKY NUMBER.

WHAT?

- REMEMBER THE COMPANY
PICNIC LAST MAY?
- YEAH.

IT WAS ON THE 15th.

MY RAFFLE TICKET WAS NUMBER 12.

I WON $10.00.

SEE?

- SEE WHAT?
- ALL THE NUMBERS
START WITH ONE.

I'M GETTING A HEADACHE.

JANET, MY LUCKY NUMBER IS
REALLY STARTING TO WORK FOR ME.

- IT IS?
- YEAH.

IN THAT CASE, CHRISSY, I
THINK YOU SHOULD STRIKE

WHILE THAT LUCKY
NUMBER IS REALLY HOT.

THERE'S A POKER GAME GOING ON
DOWNSTAIRS, ON THE FIRST FLOOR.

YEAH, FIRST STARTS WITH A ONE.

YEAH, YEAH, THAT'S
RIGHT, CHRISSY.

- AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE?
- WHAT?

THE PEOPLE DOWN THERE, THEY'VE
GOT THEIR MONEY ON THE TABLE.

SO WHY DON'T YOU GO DOWN
THERE AND TRY AND SELL THEM?

- OKAY, JANET.
- OKAY.

THIS IS GONNA BE AS
EASY AS FALLING ON A LOG.

HERE IT IS, ACES UP.

NO GOOD, I'VE GOT THREE QUEENS.

(moaning)

HERE WE GO.

MR. FURLEY, WILL
YOU DO ME A FAVOR?

THE NEXT TIME WE PLAY STRIP POKER,
COULD YOU NOT HAVE VINYL CHAIRS?

- (doorbell ringing)
- THAT WILL BE CHRISSY.

LISTEN, REMEMBER WHAT I
TOLD YOU, NOBODY BUY ANYTHING.

- GOT YOU.
- OKAY?

HELLO, CHRISSY. WHAT
ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I CAME TO SEE IF YOU ALL WANT TO
BUY SOME OF MY WONDERFUL PRODUCTS.

ISN'T THAT NICE? HEY, GUYS, CHRISSY'S
GOT SOME GREAT THINGS TO SELL,

- ANYBODY INTERESTED?
- All: NO.

WHAT A TOUGH BREAK.

- BUT AT LEAST...
- GO, GO, GO.

THANKS, GUYS.

UH... WHAT DO YOU SAY WE
MAKE THIS THE LAST HAND?

WINNER TAKE ALL.

I'M ALL FOR THAT.

LISTEN, I THINK I'LL
GO CHECK THE DIP.

THIS GAME JUST GOT INTERESTING.

YEAH, LET'S GET
TO THE GOOD STUFF.

?? GO DOWN WITH TWO CARDS.

I THINK YOU'RE ALL
MAKING A BIG MISTAKE.

I'VE GOT A LINE OF PRODUCTS
YOU JUST CAN'T DO WITHOUT.

- JACK, DO SOMETHING.
- CHRISSY, WHAT DID
I JUST TELL YOU?

GO, GO, GO, AND I
KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

YEAH, CHRISSY, IT
MEANS OUT, OUT, OUT.

I CAN MAKE YOU LOOK GOOD,
I CAN MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD,

I CAN MAKE YOU SMELL GOOD,

YOU'RE GONNA THANK ME
FOR TAKING YOUR MONEY AWAY.

NOW, LET'S START
WITH YOU, BIG FELLER.

THIS IS THE BEST HAND
I'VE HAD ALL NIGHT.

ME TOO, WOULD YOU
DEAL ME TWO CARDS?

FORGET IT, I'M OFFERING THE BEST
DEAL IN THIS APARTMENT TONIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL BUY, I'LL BUY.

NO, HE WON'T, HE WON'T.

I'M NOT LEAVING UNTIL
YOU BUY SOMETHING.

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, I TAKE IT
ALL, I TAKE EVERYTHING YOU GOT.

NO, MR. FURLEY,
NO, PLEASE, PLEASE.

WE HAVE 57 SHADES OF LIPSTICK...

JUST LEAVE IT HERE AND BILL ME.

MR. FURLEY, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

YOU MADE ME SO HAPPY, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

YOU'VE JUST RUINED THAT GIRL.

I NEVER TOUCHED HER.

I'M GONNA GO, HAVE
TO TALK TO CHRISSY.

NO, NO, NO, YOU'VE
GOT TO FINISH THE HAND.

IF YOU LEAVE THE TABLE NOW, IT'S A
MISDEAL AND I'VE GOT A GREAT HAND.

ALL RIGHT, MAKE IT QUICK.

I'M NOT TAKING ANY CARDS.

I GOT ALL I NEED RIGHT HERE.

- YOU SOLD EVERYTHING?
- EVERYTHING.

EVEN THE CASE.

NOW I KNOW I'M GONNA
QUIT MY JOB TOMORROW.

- THAT JACK.
- OH NO, NOT JACK. MR. FURLEY.

HE HAS ENOUGH LIPSTICK
TO LAST HIM FOR 10 YEARS.

BUT CHRISSY...

GOT TO REMEMBER TO WRITE
UP THOSE ORDER FORMS.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS.

THEY WERE NOT
SUPPOSED TO BUY ANYTHING.

- HUH?
- THEY WEREN'T SUPP...

I JUST FIGURED THEY PROBABLY WOULD
NEED ALL THEIR MONEY FOR THE POKER GAME.

OH NO, JANET, I DON'T THINK
THEY'RE PLAYING FOR MONEY.

GIRLS, WHY DON'T YOU
COME UP TO MY APARTMENT?

I THINK I HAVE SOMETHING
YOU COULD PUT ON.

- LIKE WHAT?
- LIKE A MANTEVANI RECORD?

THAT WAS FUN. WE'LL HAVE
TO DO THIS AGAIN SOMETIMES.

YEAH, REAL SOON.
GOOD NIGHT, LANA.

UH... AFTER YOU.

LANA?

COME ON BACK, I FEEL LUCKY.

LANA. SWEETHEART, CAN'T
WE DO IT ONE MORE TIME?

HEY, YOU.

- GOOD EVENING, OFFICER.
- WHAT DO YOU THINK
YOU'RE DOING?

UH... AHEM... NOTHING.

WE WERE... WE WERE JUST PLAYING.

NOW WE DON'T LIKE THOSE
KIND OF GAMES IN SANTA MONICA.

NOW PUT YOUR HANDS OUT.

HAVE A HEART.

- JACK.
- (screaming)

OKAY, NO QUESTIONS.
NO QUESTIONS.

I'M GONNA LEVEL WITH YOU,
ALL RIGHT? JUST LISTEN, I...

NO MORE LIES. YOU ARE NO
GOOD AT SELLING, CHRISSY.

I RIGGED IT UP WITH LANA, I TOLD
EVERYBODY AT THE POKER GAME...

JACK, I'VE ALREADY
TOLD HER EVERYTHING.

YOU DID? OH.

DON'T HATE ME TOO
MUCH, CHRISSY, I WAS JUST...

I JUST THINK YOU'RE
WONDERFUL, JACK.

- HUH?
- ANYBODY WHO
CARES ENOUGH ABOUT ME

TO GO TO ALL THAT TROUBLE
HAS TO BE A WONDERFUL PERSON.

LIKE I SAID, NO MORE
LIES. YES, I AM WONDERFUL.

YEAH, YOU ARE. BUT YOU SURE
LOOK SILLY WEARING THAT BOX.

- YEAH.
- YOU'RE RIGHT. MAYBE
I BETTER TAKE IT OFF.

- NO.
- NO.

(theme music playing)

Ritter's voice: "THREE'S
COMPANY" WAS VIDEOTAPED

IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.