Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 4, Episode 19 - And Baby Makes Two - full transcript

(theme music playing)

♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪

♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪

♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE
HERS AND HERS AND HIS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪

♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪

- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪

♪ WE'VE A LOVABLE SPACE
THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪



♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO. ♪

(sighs)

THEY ALWAYS PUT IN ONE TOO
MANY SCREWS JUST TO CONFUSE YOU.

- (screw rattling)
- (doorbell rings)

COME IN.

- OH HI, MR. FURLEY.
- OH HI, JANET.

- WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?
- WELL, ACTUALLY,

- I WANNA DO
SOMETHING FOR YOU.
- OH REALLY?

- MM-HM.
- LET ME TAKE YOUR COAT.

- OKAY.
- (baby rattle jingles)



WELL, WHAT HAVE WE GOT HERE?

A BABY RATTLE?

- MR. FURLEY,
THAT'S NOT MINE.
- OH, COME ON.

- YOU DON'T HAVE
TO BE ASHAMED.
- NO...

I USED TO CARRY AROUND
A LITTLE PIECE OF WOOL

FROM MY OLD NANNY BLANKET.

OH GOSH, HOW I
LOVED THAT BLANKET.

I'D STILL HAVE IT, BUT MY
SERGEANT MADE ME THROW IT AWAY.

MR. FURLEY, IT IS
NOT MY RATTLE, OKAY?

I MUST HAVE PUT IT IN
MY POCKET BY MISTAKE.

- I WAS BABYSITTING TONIGHT.
- SURE, SURE, SURE.

- SIT DOWN, JANET.
- OH!

NOW, WHAT IS IT THAT
YOU WANT TO DO FOR ME?

WELL, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT

IF I TOOK MY DULL, DRAB,
DREARY, LITTLE BEDROOM

AND TURNED IT INTO A WONDERFUL,
EXCITING, BEAUTIFUL LITTLE BEDROOM?

- WHERE WOULD YOU GET
THE MONEY TO DO THAT?
- I GOT A BONUS AT WORK.

IT'S NOT A HUGE BONUS. BUT I COULD
PUT OUT AN AD FOR AN ART STUDENT.

- A STUDENT?
- YEAH, THEY WORK
REAL CHEAP, MR. FURLEY.

AND THEY KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT
INTERIOR DECORATING. OH, PLEASE.

- I DON'T KNOW, JANET.
- OH, PLEASE, MR. FURLEY.

YOU, OF ALL PEOPLE,

KNOW THE IMPORTANCE
OF A BEDROOM,

YOU KNOW, TO, UM,

OH, SET A TONE AND
CREATE THE MOOD?

WELL, YEAH, THAT'S TRUE.

WHEN YOU'RE THE
PRINCE OF PASSION

YOU KNOW ALL ABOUT BEDROOMS.

WELL, I GUESS IT'S OKAY. BUT
YOU'RE LIABLE FOR DAMAGES.

OKAY, THANK YOU.
MR. FURLEY, THANK YOU.

I PROMISE YOU'RE NOT
GOING TO REGRET THIS.

BY THE WAY, IF ANYBODY STOPS
HERE TOMORROW MORNING

ABOUT MY AD WOULD YOU JUST
SEND THEM UP TO MY PLACE?

FREEZE!

DID YOU SAY YOU ADVERTISED
BEFORE YOU EVEN ASKED ME?

OH.

OOPS, YOU CAUGHT ME. (chuckles)

WELL, SEE I KNEW

THAT IT WAS GOING TO
BE ALL RIGHT BECAUSE

YOU ARE SUCH A WONDERFUL PERSON.

- OH WELL,
YEAH THAT'S TRUE.
- (Janet chuckles)

PROMISE ME YOU WON'T SAY ANYTHING
TO CHRISSY. IT'S A SURPRISE FOR HER.

YOU'RE GONNA REDECORATE
CHRISSY'S ROOM FOR A SURPRISE?

- MM-HMM.
- WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

PAINT AROUND HER
WHILE SHE'S ASLEEP?

SEE, WE'RE ALL SUPPOSE TO GO
AWAY THIS WEEKEND ON A SKIING TRIP.

BUT AT THE LAST MINUTE
I'M GONNA BACK OUT.

THEN BY THE TIME THEY GET
HOME IT'LL BE ALL FINISHED.

(chuckles) YOU'RE A VERY
SNEAKY PERSON, YOU KNOW THAT?

THANK YOU. OH, AND
DON'T TELL JACK EITHER.

HE'LL JUST BLAB IT RIGHT
OUT AND SPOIL THE SURPRISE.

OH, YOU DON'T HAVE
TO WORRY ABOUT ME.

LOOSE LIPS SINK SHIPS.

- AND IF YOU NEED ANY HELP
WITH THAT ROOM...
- UH-HUH.

FEEL FREE TO CALL ON
ME. I'M PRETTY HANDY

AROUND THE HOUSE
MYSELF, YOU KNOW.

IN FACT, I'VE BEEN WORKING
ON THIS TOASTER HERE.

- (Mr. Furley chuckles)
- YEAH.

I DIDN'T SAY I FIXED IT. I JUST
SAID I'VE BEEN WORKING ON IT.

LET ME HELP YOU.

WASN'T MY FAULT. THEY DIDN'T
GIVE ME ENOUGH SCREWS.

OH BOY, CHRISSY, I CAN
HARDLY WAIT TILL TOMORROW.

SNOWBUNNIES HERE I COME!

TA-DUM! (chuckles)

- JACK, HOW DO I LOOK?
- OH!

SUZY CHAPSTICK,
EAT YOUR HEART OUT!

(giggles)

YEAH, AND YOU KNOW
WHEN IT GETS REALLY COLD

- THIS SKI CAP MAKES
INTO A SKI MASK.
- OH, LET'S SEE.

- NO, JACK, DON'T. I CAN'T SEE.
- WAIT, CHRISSY.

- HANG ON, HANG ON. WATCH OUT, WATCH OUT.
- (gasping)

- JEEZ.
- OH, THAT SCARED ME.

FOR A MINUTE MY WHOLE LIFE
FLASHED IN FRONT OF MY EYES.

- WHAT'D YOU SEE?
- NOTHING, IT WAS
TOO DARK.

- YOU GOT IT ON BACK...
- HI, GUYS.

- HI, JANET. DID YOU HAVE
A GOOD TIME BABYSITTING?
- HI.

OH, YEAH, JACK. I
REALLY LOVE BABIES.

AND THAT LITTLE TIMMY,
HE'S SUCH A PUSSYCAT.

I HOPED YOU CHANGED
HIS LITTER BOX.

(snorting) JACK, QUIT IT!

- (Jack chuckles)
- OH GOD.

YOU REALLY LIKE THAT
LITTLE FELLOW, DON'T YOU?

YEAH, I DO, JACK. I DO.

I JUST HAVE SO
MUCH FUN WITH HIM.

YOU KNOW, I SMILE AT
HIM AND HE SMILES BACK.

AND I TICKLE HIM AND HE
LAUGHS, "HE-HE-HE-HE."

(chuckles) THEN I BOUNCE
HIM AND HE SPITS UP.

SOUNDS CHARMING.

YOU'RE REALLY SPENDING A LOT OF
TIME BABYSITTING FOR GWEN, HAVEN'T YOU?

YEAH, BUT I'M JUST
TRYING TO HELP OUT.

YOU KNOW, IT ISN'T EASY
HAVING A BABY BY YOURSELF.

SHE HAD A BABY BY HERSELF?

BOY, THAT'S THE HARD WAY.

IT'S ALSO THE DULL WAY.

OH, JACK.

SHE DIDN'T HAVE THE BABY BY
HERSELF. SHE HIRED A FATHER.

- SHE WHAT?!
- SHE HIRED A FATHER.

SHE PUT THIS AD AT THE MEDICAL
SCHOOL WHERE SHE WORKS

FOR A MAN WHO WAS
INTELLIGENT AND HEALTHY TO...

- YOU KNOW,
HELP HER OUT.
- (gasps)

(gasps) AND SOME GUY SHOWED UP?

UH-HUH. CHRISSY, NOT GUY.

GUYS! A LOT OF THEM.

WELL, YOU'D BE SURPRISED AT
HOW MANY MEN IN THIS WORLD

- ARE WILLING TO DO
A GOOD DEED.
- (chuckles)

YEAH.

BOY, THAT SURE
SOUNDS STRANGE TO ME.

- YOU MEAN WEIRD.
- TRY AND UNDERSTAND THIS,
OKAY?

THERE ARE SOME WOMEN WHO WOULD
LIKE TO HAVE A CHILD BUT NOT A HUSBAND.

YEAH, AND THERE ARE SOME WOMEN WHO'D
LIKE TO HAVE A HUSBAND AND NOT A CHILD.

- THAT'S TRUE.
- BUT THEN AGAIN,
THERE ARE SOME WOMEN

WHO DON'T WANT A CHILD OR A
HUSBAND, JUST A DOG. (chuckles)

SOME PEOPLE ARE ALLERGIC
TO DOGS. BUT THEN AGAIN,

SOME DOGS ARE ALLERGIC TO PEOPLE.
THAT'S WHY THEY RUN AWAY FROM HOME.

CATS ARE NICE. EXCEPT
IF YOU HAVE A BIRD.

BIRDS ARE OKAY, BUT YOU HAVE
TO CLEAN THEIR CAGE EVERY DAY.

BUT HUSBANDS LIKE BIRDS
BECAUSE THEY DON'T TALK BACK.

YOU KNOW, I HAD
THIS HAMSTER ONCE...

WELL, I DIDN'T HAVE HIM FOR
VERY LONG 'CAUSE HE SMELLS.

COME ON, GIRLS, LET'S GO.

OH GOOD. JANET,
WHERE'S YOUR SUITCASE?!

WHAT, JACK? SUITCASE?

- WHAT WOULD I
NEED A SUITCASE FOR?
- YOU'D LOOK PRETTY SILLY

CARRYING YOUR UNDERWEAR
AROUND IN YOUR HANDS.

OH NO. OH NO.

IS THIS THE SKI WEEKEND? (gasps)

OH, I FORGOT.

OH, I'M SO SORRY. I CAN'T GO.

- WHAT?
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN
YOU CAN'T GO?

- WE'VE BEEN PLANNING
THIS WEEKEND FOR WEEKS.
- I KNOW, CHRISSY.

- BUT I THOUGHT
IT WAS NEXT WEEK.
- HONESTLY, JANET.

IT WAS NEXT WEEK WHEN
THIS WEEK WAS LAST WEEK.

BUT NOW THAT LAST WEEK'S NEXT
WEEK IS THIS WEEK, IT'S TODAY.

YOU CAN'T ARGUE WITH THAT.

(sighs) LOOK, I'M REALLY
SORRY, GUYS, BUT, UH,

I HAVE SOMETHING
REAL IMPORTANT TO DO.

SO... SO WHAT ARE WE
STANDING HERE FOR?

CHRISSY, GET YOUR SUITCASE.
Y'ALL JUST HAVE TO GO WITHOUT ME.

YOU BETTER GET GOING.
YOU'RE GONNA MISS YOUR BUS.

- IT'S ALMOST 10:00. COME ON, HERE YOU GO.
- (doorbell rings)

- HI, I'M HERE ABOUT THE AD.
- AD? WE DIDN'T PLACE AN AD.

- DID WE PLACE...
- I... I DID, CHRISSY. COME IN, PLEASE.

HELLO, UM...

MAKE YOURSELF COMFORTABLE AND
I'LL BE WITH YOU IN A MOMENT, OKAY?

- COME ON, JACK. GET GOING, HAVE FUN!
- WAIT A MINUTE!

- HUH?
- WHAT'D YOU ADVERTISE FOR?

- OH, DIDN'T I TELL YOU?
- NO.

OH, IT MUST HAVE
SLIPPED MY MIND.

AH, WELL, SEE, HERE IT IS.

WE HAVE BEEN SO BUSY DOWN AT
THE FLOWER SHOP, JUST SWAMPED.

- AND I NEED AN ASSISTANT.
- FLOWER SHOP?

- WELL I THOUGHT YOU WERE...
- (chuckles)

AH, I'LL BE RIGHT WITH YOU.

WAIT A MINUTE. IS THAT
GONNA TAKE ALL WEEKEND?

OH, YEAH. PROBABLY, SURE.

YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO
FIND THE RIGHT PERSON FOR A JOB.

I WANNA TAKE MY TIME AND
FIND JUST THE RIGHT MAN.

WELL SUPPOSE YOU FIND THE
RIGHT PERSON RIGHT AWAY?

WELL, IN THAT CASE, I
DON'T KNOW WHAT I'LL DO.

I'LL PROBABLY JUST SPEND THE
REST OF THE WEEKEND IN BED.

- SO COME ON, GUYS. GET GOING, HAVE FUN.
- ARE YOU SURE, JANET?

- I WANTED YOU TO GO.
- ME TOO, CHRISSY, BUT I'LL
GO NEXT TIME.

- NOW YOU ALL HAVE FUN! GO ON, HAVE FUN.
- Both: BYE!

WHEW, THEY FELL FOR IT.

(birds chirping)

- OH, HI YOU TWO.
- Both: HI, MR. FURLEY.

GOING SKIING?

NO, WE'RE GONNA
HARPOON SOME GUPPIES.

- WHERE'S JANET?
- SHE'S UPSTAIRS. SHE COULDN'T GO.

- THAT'S RIGHT, I FORGOT.
- WAIT A MINUTE.

DID SHE TELL YOU
SHE WASN'T GOING?

N... NO.

OH NO YOU DON'T! YOU WON'T
GET ANYTHING OUTTA ME!

THE FURLEY LIPS ARE
SEALED. TAKE A LOCK.

- CHRISSY, SOMETHING VERY
STRANGE IS GOING ON.
- YEAH.

WHAT?

JUST THINK A MINUTE.

OKAY, BUT IT DOESN'T
ALWAYS WORK.

WE'VE KNOWN ABOUT
THIS TRIP FOR WEEKS.

WHY DIDN'T SHE SAY SOMETHING
LAST NIGHT ABOUT NOT GOING?

WELL, 'CAUSE SHE
WAS SO BUSY ARGUING

ABOUT HAVING BABIES
AND HIRING FATHERS.

THAT'S RIGHT. HIRING FATHERS.

THEN THIS MORNING A GUY
SHOWS UP ABOUT SOME AD?

AND SHE WANTS TO
SPEND THE WEEKEND IN BE...

OH MY GOD!

AND SHE TOLD US
TO HAVE A GOOD TIME.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

DON'T YOU SEE? SHE'S
NOT HIRING AN ASSISTANT.

SHE'S HIRING A FATHER.

DON'T BE SILLY! JANET
ALREADY HAS A FATHER.

NOT FOR HER, FOR HER BABY.

SHE DOESN'T HAVE A BABY!

THAT'S WHAT FATHERS ARE FOR.

LET'S GET BACK UP THERE.
I HOPE IT'S NOT TOO LATE.

(gasps)

IF IT IS, JANET SURE DIDN'T
GET HER MONEY'S WORTH.

- (both chuckling)
- WELL, I REALLY THINK
THAT IT'LL BE FUN.

I MEAN, I'VE NEVER DONE
ANYTHING LIKE THIS BEFORE.

WELL, I HOPE YOU'RE
SATISFIED WHEN I'M THROUGH.

HEY, HEY, UH...

WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING HERE?

UH... UM...

ACTUALLY, WE WERE
WRONG ABOUT OUR SCHEDULE.

THE BUS DOESN'T LEAVE
UNTIL HALF AN HOUR LATER.

- REALLY? HOW'D YOU
FIND THAT OUT?
- YEAH.

UM... UH...
- FURLEY TOLD US!
- FURLEY.

YEAH, HE KNOWS ALL
THE RESORT SCHEDULES.

SINCE WHEN IS FURLEY
SO INTERESTED IN SKIING?

- YOU KIDDING? HE'S CRAZY ABOUT IT.
- YEAH.

HE'S BEEN GOING
DOWNHILL FOR YEARS.

WELL, UM, AS YOU CAN SEE,

I'M RIGHT IN THE
MIDDLE OF SOMETHING.

WELL THAT'S OKAY. I DON'T MIND
HAVING OTHER PEOPLE AROUND.

UH, NO, NO, ROBERT.

UM, LET'S GO OUT
INTO THE KITCHEN.

WE'LL HAVE MORE PRIVACY THERE.

(both sigh)

WELL CHRISSY, WHAT ARE
YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT?

- NOTHING.
- I THOUGHT JANET
WAS YOUR BEST FRIEND.

WELL SHE IS!

SHE IS, BUT SHE WOULDN'T BE IF I
STARTED TELLING HER WHAT TO DO.

I MEAN, IF SHE THINKS
THIS IS RIGHT FOR HER,

WHO AM I TO TELL
HER THAT IT ISN'T?

SHE COULD BE MAKING THE
BIGGEST MISTAKE OF HER LIFE

- AND ALL YOU'RE GONNA DO
IS STAND BY AND WATCH?
- I'M NOT GONNA WATCH!

I MEAN YOU'RE NOT EVEN
GOING TO TRY TO STOP HER, HUH?

THIS IS JANET'S LIFE AND
WE CAN'T LIVE IT FOR HER!

BUT, UH...

BOY, DID YOU HAVE TO PICK THIS
PARTICULAR MOMENT TO START MAKING SENSE?

I ALWAYS MAKE SENSE!

YOU'RE JUST NOT SMART
ENOUGH TO UNDERSTAND ME.

NOW, UM, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

AND I'LL LET YOU KNOW.

WELL I HOPE SO. I'M VERY
ANXIOUS TO DO THE JOB.

I'LL BET HE IS.

- THANKS AGAIN
AND GOODBYE!
- BYE.

- UH, JANET?
- YEAH?

COULD I SPEAK TO YOU
IN THE KITCHEN, PLEASE?

OH SURE, JACK. IS
SOMETHING WRONG?

NO, WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT?

(clears throat) UH...

JANET, JANET, JANET.

JACK, JACK, JACK.

OKAY, NOW THAT WE
KNOW EACH OTHER'S NAMES,

WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND?

JANET, DO YOU LIKE ME?

SURE I LIKE YOU.

OKAY, NOW...

- DO YOU THINK I HAVE
AVERAGE INTELLIGENCE?
- NO.

- ABOVE AVERAGE.
- OH.

MAYBE EVEN AT THE GENIUS LEVEL?

- LET'S DON'T PUSH IT, JACK.
- SORRY.

HEY, HEY.

I GET THE FEELING THAT YOU
WANT TO TELL ME SOMETHING.

- (whispers) YEAH.
- BUT I HAVE NO IDEA
WHAT IT IS.

- OKAY, JANET?
- JACK.

- I'M A MAN.
- THAT YOU ARE.

AND I'M ALSO A FRIEND.

THAT TOO.

IN OTHER WORDS, I'M
A MAN WHO'S A FRIEND.

I LIKE THE WAY YOU
PUT IT ALL TOGETHER.

WHAT I'M TRYING
TO TELL YOU IS...

IS THAT IF YOU EVER
NEED A FRIEND...

- WHO'S A MAN.
- RIGHT.

I'D LIKE YOU TO FEEL

THAT YOU COULD CALL ON ME.

- OF COURSE I WOULD.
- THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU?!

- WHY DIDN'T I WHAT?
- I MEAN, NOT THAT I
WOULD HAVE...

I MEAN I DO HAVE CERTAIN
PRINCIPLES, YOU KNOW, IDEALS.

BUT AT LEAST YOU
COULD HAVE ASKED ME.

I MEAN I... YOU MIGHT HAVE
EVEN TALKED ME INTO IT.

JACK, WHAT ARE
YOU TRYING TO SAY?

THAT FACT THAT YOU'RE
BRINGING IN ALL THESE STRANGERS

AND IGNORING ME,
A FRIEND, I MEAN...

OH, I'M SORRY.

JACK.

BUT I DIDN'T THINK
YOU COULD DO THE JOB.

WHAT?!

- (doorbell rings)
- EXCUSE ME, JACK.

WHAT?!

NO, NO, CHRISSY. I
CAN HANDLE THIS!

YOU GO DO WHATEVER YOU
WERE DOING. GO ON, CHRISSY!

- HELLO?
- HI, I'M LOOKING
FOR JANET WOOD.

OH, I'M JANET.

- WON'T YOU COME IN?
- YES, I'M ROGER WILSON.

- I'M HERE ABOUT THE JOB...
- (coughs)

UM...

PERHAPS WE COULD TALK
IN THE KITCHEN, ROGER.

OH, I HAVE SOME 8x10
GLOSSIES OF MY WORK.

OH.

(chuckle)

(stammering) NOT HERE, ROGER!

NOT HERE. OUT IN THE
KITCHEN WILL BE BETTER.

I CAN HANDLE THIS,
JACK! I CAN HANDLE THIS.

THE GUY BROUGHT PICTURES!

I BET THE NEXT ONE SHOWS
UP WITH HOME MOVIES.

HI, ARE YOU JANET WOOD?
I'M HERE ABOUT THE AD.

JANET'S BUSY RIGHT NOW!

YEAH, BUT SHE'LL BE
FINISHED IN A MINUTE.

- YOU COULD WAIT.
- THANKS.

UH, TELL ME
SOMETHING. DO YOU, UH,

REALLY MAKE A LIVING
DOING THIS SORT OF THING?

OH, WELL NOT YET.
I'M JUST STARTING OUT.

BUT YOU KNOW, THIS IS THE
KIND OF BUSINESS WHERE

IF YOU'RE GOOD ON ONE OR
TWO JOBS, WORD GETS AROUND.

- I CAN IMAGINE.
- YEAH, IN NO TIME AT ALL

EVERYBODY WANTS YOU
BECAUSE YOU'RE HOT!

HEY, WHY DON'T YOU GO BE
HOT SOMEPLACE ELSE, PAL?

- WHAT?
- YEAH, WE DON'T WANT YOU
PRACTICING ON OUR FRIEND!

- BUT I'M READY TO START NOW!
- THEN GO HOME AND TAKE
A COLD SHOWER!

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT GUY?

- THAT SOUNDS GREAT, REALLY.
- THIS IS GONNA BE FUN.

I CAN HARDLY WAIT
TO GET ON WITH IT.

- OH.
- THAT'S WHAT THEY ALL SAY.

UM, IS HE THE ONE?

- YES, AND I'M REALLY
LOOKING FORWARD TO IT TOO.
- TO WORKING WITH FLOWERS!

(chuckles) HE LOVES
FLOWERS, DON'T YA?

YEAH, UM, WELL YOU TWO!

SHOULDN'T YOU BE LEAVING? AREN'T
YOU GONNA MISS THE NEXT BUS?

- YEAH, JACK, WE BETTER GO.
- YEAH, JACK, GO ON. HAVE A GOOD TIME.

- JANET, JANET?
- YEAH, WHAT?

YOU TAKE CARE OF
YOURSELF, YOU HEAR?

OKAY.

AND FOR THE LAST TIME,

ARE YOU SURE YOU
DON'T WANT MY HELP?

THANK YOU SO MUCH, JACK, BUT...

I JUST DON'T THINK
YOU'RE QUALIFIED.

JACK, SHE DIDN'T MEAN IT.

(whimpering) I'LL WAIT FOR
YOU OUTSIDE, CHRISSY.

JEEZ, HE'S TOUCHY TODAY.

WELL YOU COULD HAVE BEEN KINDER.

(sighs)

WELL, I GUESS... THIS IS IT.

I GUESS SO. (chuckles)

- BYE, JANET.
- (coughs) BYE, CHRISSY.

OH.

CONGRATULATIONS ON THE JOB.

I'M SURE JANET WOULDN'T
HAVE CHOSEN YOU

IF YOU WEREN'T THE BEST MAN.

WELL, IT WAS EITHER THAT
OR I WORK THE CHEAPEST.

(chuckles)

OH, JANET.

AT A TIME LIKE THIS,
BARGAIN HUNTING?

I... DON'T ASK.

I DON'T KNOW.

LISTEN, WE HAVE REALLY GOT
OUR WORK CUT OUT FOR US.

- WELL, LET'S GET
ON WITH IT.
- OH SURE.

OKAY, WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME
INTO THE BEDROOM AND TAKE A LOOK?

SURE.

COME ON, JACK.

CHRISSY, I THOUGHT YOU
DIDN'T WANT TO INTERFERE.

I THOUGHT SO TOO, BUT I JUST
CAN'T LET THIS HAPPEN TO JANET.

- WELL GET IN THERE
AND STOP HER.
- ME?!

- YES, YOU!
- Janet: YOU KNOW, ROGER,

I JUST HAVE SUCH A GOOD
FEELING ABOUT HAVING YOU HERE.

Roger: AND KNOWING YOUR
DEADLINE, YOU'RE LUCKY I WORK FAST.

- SHE'S GOT A DEADLINE.
- OH!

- JACK, GO IN THERE!
- YEAH!

- HURRY! GO IN THERE!
- OKAY, SSH!

WELL, HOW DO YOU
LIKE THIS ON THE BED?

- (Jack gasps)
- JACK!

UH, JANET? I KNOW YOU
DON'T WANT ME INVOLVED,

BUT I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

- YOU DO?
- YES, I DO.

THEN WHAT HAVE YOU GOT
YOUR HAND OVER YOUR EYES FOR?

BECAUSE I DON'T
WANT TO SEE YOUR...

SWATCHES?

YOU'RE LOOKING AT SWATCHES?

OF COURSE WE'RE
LOOKING AT SWATCHES.

THAT'S WHAT YOU DO WHEN
YOU REDECORATE A ROOM.

(laughing)

- WHAT IS SO FUNNY?
- NOTHING.

YOU'RE REDECORATING A ROOM?

YEAH, WHAT DID YOU
THINK I WAS DOING?

REDECORATING A ROOM, OF COURSE.

WHAT'D YOU THINK I THOUGHT? THAT
YOU GUYS WERE HAVING AN AFFAIR?

(laughing)

- I SUPPOSE CHRISSY
KNOWS TOO?
- NO!

- BELIEVE ME,
SHE HASN'T GOT A CLUE.
- TRULY?

- YEAH.
- OH, JACK,
PLEASE DON'T TELL HER.

I MEANT THIS FOR A SURPRISE.

WOULD YOU JUST GET HER
OUT OF HERE? GO SKIING!

- OKAY, DON'T WORRY.
- OKAY, BYE.

BYE.

WELL?

EVERYTHING'S JUST FINE. COME
ONE, WE'RE GONNA MISS OUR BUS.

WAIT A MINUTE! WHAT
HAPPENED IN THERE?

- IT'S NONE OF OUR BUSINESS.
- WHAT?!

NO, YOU'RE RIGHT. WHAT JANET
DOES IS HER OWN CONCERN.

NO, NO, NO! YOU WERE
RIGHT AND I WAS WRONG!

AND NOW I'M RIGHT
AND YOU'RE WRONG!

- DON'T YOU KNOW
WHEN TO LISTEN TO ME?
- CHRISSY.

Roger: WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO
ANYTHING SPECIAL AT THE WINDOW?

- (Chrissy gasps)
- CHRISSY! CHRISSY!

- (door slams shut)
- (Chrissy, Janet gasp)

- CHRISSY!
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

- GETTING MEASUREMENTS.
- SHE'S 34-22-34! NOW GET OUT!

- GET OUT! GET OUT!
- CHRISSY! CHRISSY!

- WHAT IS THE MATTER?!
- HIM, IT'S HIM!

HIM? CHRISSY! HEY, WHOA!

- WE BETTER TALK ABOUT
THIS IN THE LIVING ROOM.
- GET OUT!

- WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK! CALM DOWN! COME ON!
- GET OUT! GET OUT!

- (Chrissy whimpering)
- I THOUGHT YOU WEREN'T GOING
TO SAY ANYTHING.

- WELL, SHE...
- COME ON, SIT DOWN, HONEY.

GOSH, CATCH YOUR BREATH. RELAX.

NOW LISTEN TO ME. I SWEAR TO
YOU I WOULD NEVER HAVE DONE THIS

- IF I THOUGHT
IT WOULD UPSET YOU.
- THEN DON'T DO IT, JANET.

- PLEASE,
HE'S ALL WRONG FOR YOU!
- Jack: CHRISSY.

CHRISSY, HEY.

IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK.

WELL JUST WHAT DOES SHE THINK?

WELL... (chuckling)

ACTUALLY, IT'S
PRETTY FUNNY, JANET.

SEE, SHE THINKS YOU HIRED ROGER

TO HAVE A BABY
LIKE GWEN. (chuckles)

CHRISSY... YOU THOUGHT THAT?

(chuckling)

WHERE DID YOU GET A
CRAZY IDEA LIKE THAT?

JACK TOLD ME.

WELL...

LOOK, CHRISSY, YOU CAN RELAX.

I'M NOT PLANNING
ON HAVING ANY BABY.

WELL THEN WHAT WERE YOU
DOING IN OUR BEDROOM WITH ROGER?

(sighs) OH, GOSH.

THIS IS SUPPOSE
TO BE A SURPRISE.

I GOT THIS BONUS DOWN AT WORK,

SO I WAS GONNA REDECORATE
THE ROOM AND SURPRISE YOU.

OH, JANET.

- OH, THAT'S SO SWEET!
- OH!

- (Chrissy squeals)
- I SURE HOPE YOU LIKE IT.

- OH, I WILL. THAT'S SO NICE!
- OH, GOOD.

AND JACK!

AFTER ALL THESE YEARS TOGETHER,

I THINK YOU'D KNOW ME A
LITTLE BETTER THAN THAT.

I AM REALLY SURPRISED AT YOU!

AT ME?! WHAT ABOUT CHRISSY?!

I'M SURPRISED AT YOU TOO.

(indistinct chatting)

OH GOSH, CHRISSY.

- I THINK THIS WOULD BE
PERFECT FOR THE DRAPES.
- YEAH.

- AND IT'LL GO GREAT
WITH THE BEDSPREAD.
- YEAH.

- (coughing)
- OH, JACK!

I'D LIKE TO THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

- FOR WHAT?
- OH, YOU KNOW. FOR THAT, UM,

CERTAIN KIND OF HELP YOU
OFFERED ME EARLIER IN THE KITCHEN.

HEY, LISTEN, JANET. ANYTIME YOU
WANNA TAKE ADVANTAGE OF MOI...

- Chrissy: JACK!
- Jack: WHAT?

JACK, I WAS THINKING
THAT RIGHT NOW

- WOULD BE PERFECT.
- JANET?!

SO, HOW ABOUT YOUR BEDROOM?

- MY BEDROOM? MY, MY...
- UM-HMM.

- YOU'RE NOT SCARED,
ARE YOU?
- ME?

(stammering) HEY, NO.

WELL THAT'S GOOD, JACK, 'CAUSE I
HAVE ALWAYS HATED YOUR BEDROOM.

HOW ABOUT LET'S START WITH
REARRANGING THE FURNITURE?

THEN MAYBE SOME NEW WALLPAPER.

(theme music plays)

Ritter's voice: "THREE'S
COMPANY" WAS VIDEOTAPED

IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.