Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 4, Episode 17 - The Love Lesson - full transcript
Furley takes it upon himself to try to "convert" Jack and show him how to pick up women.
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♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪
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♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪
♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE
HERS AND HERS AND HIS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪
♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
♪ WE'VE A LOVABLE SPACE
THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
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- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
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♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO. ♪
- HI, JANET.
- HI, JACK.
- HOW'S MY FAVORITE PERSON?
- OH, FINE, THANKS.
- JANET?
- WHAT?
(long gasp) DON'T MOVE.
WHAT?
THE WAY THE LIGHT
IS HITTING YOUR FACE...
I HAVE NEVER SEEN
YOU LOOK SO BEAUTIFUL.
YOU ARE A BOTTICELLI PAINTING.
YOU ARE A SCULPTURE
BY MICHELANGELO.
- NO.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN "NO"?
I MEAN, NO. NO, JACK.
IT IS YOUR TURN. I WILL NOT
CLEAN THE APARTMENT FOR YOU.
OKAY, JANET, OKAY.
WHERE'S CHRISSY?
SHE'S IN TAKING A SHOWER, BUT
SHE SAID TO TELL YOU NO TOO.
I'D LIKE TO HEAR THAT FROM
HER, THANK YOU VERY KINDLY.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
CHRISSY?
NO.
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO
THE MILK OF HUMAN KINDNESS?
ALL I'M GETTING AROUND
HERE IS SOUR CREAM.
LOOK JACK, EVERY TIME YOU
HAVE TO COOK FOR A HOT DATE,
CHRISSY AND I GET
THE SAME ROUTINE.
PLEASE, GIRLS, JUST THIS ONCE, WON'T
YOU CLEAN THE APARTMENT FOR ME?
- WELL, NOT THIS TIME.
- OH NO?
NO, I WANT YOU TO CLEAN THE
APARTMENT AND STAY AWAY FROM IT, PLEASE.
- WHAT?
- FORGET IT, JACK.
PLEASE, GIRLS, THIS
ONE'S REAL SPECIAL.
SURE, THEY ALL ARE.
OH YEAH? WOULD I BUY SIX LBS.
OF PRIME RIB FOR JUST ANYONE?
IT SOUNDS LIKE YOUR
DATE IS A ST. BERNARD.
- BOY, THIS MUST BE LOVE.
- I KNOW.
HEY, JACK, WHO IS
THIS GIRL ANYWAY?
- HER NAME HAPPENS TO BE
BOBBIE TRILLING.
- YEAH?
AND SHE ENTERED A BEAUTY
CONTEST AND WON FIRST PRIZE...
"MISS BEACH VOLLEYBALL."
THAT'S NOT MUCH OF A PRIZE.
I'D RATHER WIN "MR.
BEACH VOLLEYBALL."
I DON'T NEED YOUR VERY BAD
JOKES. I NEED YOUR HELP, PLEASE.
I GUESS WE COULD GO TO
A MOVIE UNTIL 10:00, JANET.
OH, THANKS. JANET,
PLEASE. (moans)
ALL RIGHT, TILL 10:00,
JACK, BUT 10:00, OKAY?
AFTER THAT, WHATEVER
YOU'RE DOING WITH THAT GIRL,
- YOU'RE GONNA BE DOING
WITH US TOO.
- PARDON ME?
- I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT.
- (door knocks)
THANK YOU, GIRLS.
- YOU ARE WELCOME.
- Jack: WOO!
OH, HERE IS YOUR MAIL.
- Janet: HI, MR. FURLEY.
- Chrissy: HI.
HEY, LISTEN... WHERE
HAVE YOU PEOPLE BEEN?
YOU COMPLAIN I NEVER FIX THINGS
THEN WHEN I COME UP HERE YOU LET
THE DOORBELL RING FOR 10 MINUTES.
THAT'S BROKEN TOO.
- ALL RIGHT,
I'LL GET TO THAT.
- THANK YOU.
- AND WHAT'S THIS ABOUT
NO HEAT IN YOUR BEDROOM?
- RIGHT IN THERE.
THAT WAS BEFORE HE GOT THE
DATE WITH MISS BEACH VOLLEYBALL.
(chuckles)
TIPPY-TOES HAS GOT A
WHAT WITH MISS WHO?
NO, NO, NO, NO, SHE SAID...
I DON'T WANT TO MISS MY DATE TO PLAY
BEACH VOLLEYBALL WITH THE FELLOWS.
YOU KNOW... NO SPIKING!
AND I BET WHEN YOU BOYS
ARE THROUGH WITH THE NET,
- YOU CUT IT UP
FOR T-SHIRTS.
- (Jack laughs)
T-SHIRTS! OH, THAT'S VERY FUNNY!
OKAY, MR. FURLEY, TAKE YOUR
CHOICE... HEATER OR DOORBELL.
- DOORBELL.
- THANK YOU. CHRISSY...
- Chrissy: I FORGOT.
- Janet: SHH.
- I'LL BE DARNED!
- WHAT?
- THIS IS FROM B.J.
- WHO IS B.J.?
HE'S COMING TO VISIT ME.
- WHO IS B.J.?
- I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM IN YEARS.
- WHO THE DEVIL IS B.J.?
- IT'S MY OLD NAVY BUDDY.
WE WENT ALL THROUGH BOOT CAMP
TOGETHER, BUT WE GOT SEPARATED.
OH, POOR BABY.
SOMETIMES THESE THINGS
JUST DON'T WORK OUT.
JUST FIX THE DOORBELL, WOULD
YOU, PLEASE? THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
(electric crackling)
- (snaps)
- (screams)
YOU PEOPLE HAVE BEEN
RINGING THIS WRONG.
I'LL HAVE TO COME BACK.
WELL, THE OLD WIZARD
CERTAINLY FIXED IT, DIDN'T HE?
YEAH, NOW WE HAVE THE ONLY
DOORBELL THAT SENDS SMOKE SIGNALS.
(snorting, chuckling)
GET IT?
(whistling)
(throat clears)
BOBBIE, WOULD YOU LIKE
AN AFTER-DINNER DRINK?
NO, THANKS, JACK
I MIGHT SPILL IT WHEN
WE START NECKING.
I BEG YOUR PARDON?
WELL, YOU FIXED THAT DELICIOUS
DINNER AND YOU'VE BEEN SO NICE...
WHAT ELSE DID YOU HAVE IN MIND?
NOTHING, NOTHING AT ALL.
I'M GLAD. I CAN'T
STAND REJECTION.
WELL, THERE WON'T BE ANY.
WE DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME.
- WHAT?
- I MEAN... NOW IS THE TIME.
(door knocks)
- IS THAT YOUR ROOMMATES?
- NO, IT'S MY HEART POUNDING.
AH!
UH... YOU DIDN'T ANSWER.
I GOT YOU A NEW THERMOSTAT.
WONDERFUL. THANK YOU. BYE.
YOU KNOW WHAT THIS
MEANS, DON'T YOU?
YEAH, I FINALLY GET A
HEATER IN MY BEDROOM.
I'M TALKING ABOUT YOU AND HER.
UH... DID YOU SAY HER?
YEAH, HER, SHE, HER!
OF COURSE, HOW COULD YOU KNOW?
KNOW WHAT?
THAT SHE IS NOT
A HER. SHE'S A HE.
SHE'S A HE?
OR HE IS A SHE,
TAKE YOUR CHOICE.
THAT'S MY OLD NAVY
BUDDY, B.J., BOBBIE, UH...
THAT GIRL IS A GUY?
ONLY ON DATES.
THAT HER IS A HIM?
YEAH, MOST OF THE TIME IT'S
BOSUN'S MATE BOB, U.S. NAVY.
WHAT WON'T YOU
PEOPLE THINK OF NEXT?
SO NOW EVERYTHING IS OKAY, HUH?
- I GOT TO SEE THIS
CLOSE UP.
- NO, NO.
(Jack mumbling)
OH, BOBBIE, THIS IS MY LANDLORD.
HI.
RELAX, PAL.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE
SENSITIVE AROUND ME.
IT'S JUST THAT I'VE NEVER GOTTEN
THIS CLOSE TO ONE OF YOU BEFORE.
I CAN SEE WHY.
- HOW DO YOU GET
YOUR VOICE SO HIGH?
- WHAT?
UH, MR. FURLEY WE'D LOVE
YOU TO STAY AND CHAT,
BUT WE KNOW HOW BUSY YOU ARE.
EVERYTHING LOOKS SO REAL.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- I BET THAT WIG
COST A FORTUNE.
- HEY, STOP THAT.
OH, HE'S KIDDING, YOU
KNOW, LANDLORDS...
THE SKIN AND EVERYTHING. IT MUST
BE MURDER SHAVING THAT CLOSE.
JACK, IS THIS SOME
KIND OF A JOKE?
I GOTTA HAND IT TO YOU...
YOU SURE HAD ME FOOLED.
OUCH! THAT HURT, YOU CREEP!
- BOBBIE, WAIT. I'LL GO WITH YOU.
- NO, BACK OFF NOW.
I'VE MET SOME WEIRDOS IN MY
DAYS, BUT HE TAKES THE PRIZE.
- AND YOU... YOU DIDN'T
EVEN TRY TO STOP IT.
- BOBBIE, WAIT. I CAN EXPLAIN.
(yelps)
LISTEN TO WHO'S TALKING WEIRDOS.
MR. FURLEY.
RELAX, JACK. YOU KNOW WHAT THEY
SAY... YOU CAN NEVER TRUST A SAILOR.
THERE WENT PARADISE, NOT TO
MENTION SIX LBS. OF PRIME RIB.
YOU KNOW SOMETHING, JACK?
YOU'RE ALMOST THERE. WHY
DON'T YOU TAKE THAT LAST STEP?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
WELL, SHE... HE... WHATEVER...
THAT WAS SO CLOSE
TO THE REAL THING,
WHY DON'T YOU COME
OVER TO THE OTHER SIDE?
WHAT?!
YOU'RE STANDING AT THE GOLDEN
DOOR, LET ME PULL YOU THROUGH.
- YOU MEAN... GIRLS?
- YEAH.
AND RALPH FURLEY HERE,
THE KING OF ROMANCE,
I'LL TEACH YOU EVERYTHING
I KNOW PERSONALLY.
YOU'LL GET THE BENEFIT OF ALL MY
EXPERIENCE AND SKILL WITH WOMEN.
YOU'LL BE A SWINGING MACHO
MAN BEFORE YOU KNOW IT.
WAIT A MINUTE... YOU MEAN
YOU WILL CONVERT ME?
IT'S NOT GONNA BE EASY,
BUT I THINK I CAN DO IT.
I MAY BE THE ONLY
ONE THAT CAN DO IT.
YOU MEAN... SO I CAN DATE
GIRLS, RIGHT OUT IN THE OPEN
AND TAKE THEM TO THE BEAGLE AND HUG
'EM AND KISS 'EM AND LORD KNOWS WHAT?
- YEAH, IT'S GREAT
STUFF, TRUST ME.
- OKAY, WHEN DO I START?
I'LL START YOUR FIRST
LESSON TOMORROW, SLUGGER.
MR. FURLEY, THANKS.
- WRONG.
- SORRY.
IT'S GONNA BE UPHILL.
- HI, GIRLS.
- OH HI, MR. FURLEY.
KEEP AN EYE ON HIM, WILL YOU?
SEE YOU TOMORROW, FELLA.
AHA, THAT'S IT. THAT'S
IT. I'M FREE. I'M FREE!
BOY, THAT MUST
HAVE BEEN SOME DATE.
- NO, I DON'T HAVE
TO FAKE IT ANYMORE.
- Janet: WHAT?
FURLEY'S GONNA SHOW ME
HOW TO BE A REAL LADIES' MAN.
WOO!
- (honking)
- ALL RIGHT, I'M COMING.
HI, LARRY. WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
I'M JUST TAKING A LITTLE
SIDE TRIP TO VEGAS.
OH YEAH? WHEN YOU COME BACK YOU'RE
GONNA SEE A BIG CHANGE AROUND HERE.
- OH REALLY? WHAT, ARE YOU
FINALLY FIXING UP THE PLACE?
- (chuckles)
- NO, I'M GONNA FIX JACK.
- I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS BROKEN.
(both laugh)
NO, NO. JACK WANTS
TO BE A REAL MAN
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW.
- YOU'RE GONNA SHOW HIM?
- YEAH, I'M GONNA TEACH HIM
EVERYTHING I KNOW.
WELL THAT SHOULDN'T
TAKE TOO LONG.
(stammering) I MEAN JACK
IS A VERY GOOD STUDENT.
OH, YEAH. HE SHOULD
GRADUATE IN NO TIME.
YOU KNOW SOMETHING THOUGH?
I'M REALLY GONNA MISS HIM.
- OH? WHY IS THAT?
- WE CAN'T HAVE A MAN LIVING
HERE WITH TWO GIRLS.
MY BROTHER BART
WOULD NEVER ALLOW IT.
SO JACK WILL JUST
HAVE TO MOVE OUT.
- WELL, HAVE A GOOD TRIP.
- WHA...
- (car honking)
- (sighs)
ALL RIGHT, ALL
RIGHT! I'M COMING!
AHH.
OKAY, YOU GUYS. PROMISE ME
YOU WON'T LAUGH NO MATTER WHAT.
OKAY, JACK, WE PROMISE.
I DON'T KNOW WHY FURLEY INSISTS
ON CHRISSY AND I BEING HERE.
- I GUESS HE WANTS
AN AUDIENCE.
- (snickers)
YOU KNOW, EVERY TIME I THINK OF
FURLEY TEACHING JACK HOW TO BE A MAN...
- YEAH, REALLY.
- (both giggling)
KNOCK IT OFF, OKAY? YOU'RE
GONNA BLOW MY ONE CHANCE
TO QUIT THIS ACT I'VE HAD
TO PUT ON FOR THREE YEARS.
- OKAY, WE'RE SORRY. WE'LL BE GOOD.
- (door knocks)
THAT'S HIM. NOW REMEMBER,
YOU HAVE TO TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY
- NO MATTER WHAT HE SAYS,
PLAY ALONG WITH HIM.
- Janet: OKAY, WE'LL PLAY ALONG.
I GOTTA REMEMBER
TO FIX THAT DOORBELL.
- NEVER MIND THAT, MR. FURLEY,
JUST COME ON IN.
- OKAY.
- HOW YA DOING, TIGER?
- (growls) READY!
THAT'S THE OLD FIGHT. HI, GIRLS.
- (both) HI, MR. FURLEY.
- I GOTTA ADMIT, MR. FURLEY,
- I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS.
- OH, THERE'S NOTHING TO BE
SCARED ABOUT, JACK.
- THIS WON'T HURT A BIT.
- (both chuckle)
NOW AS YOU ALL KNOW,
I'M HERE TO TEACH JACK
HOW TO BE A REAL MAN.
- NOW YOU MAY LAUGH AT THIS.
- OH NO WE WON'T. HE TOLD US
NOT TO.
- YEAH, NOTHING, NOTHING. GO ON, PROFESSOR.
- OH, YEAH.
WHICH ONE OF YOU LADIES
WOULD LIKE THE HONOR
OF BEING MY PARTNER
IN THIS DEMONSTRATION?
GO AHEAD, CHRISSY.
MR. FURLEY'S WAITING.
- OH, NO, YOU DESERVE
THE HONOR MORE.
- CHRISSY.
YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND,
I WANT YOU TO DO THIS.
NO, YOU'VE BEEN SO
KIND TO ME, I INSIST.
COME ON, GIRLS.
DON'T FIGHT OVER ME.
- GOSH, I'LL USE
CHRISSY FIRST.
- OH, DOUBLE DARN.
ALL RIGHT, CHRISSY. YOU'RE
STANDING ON THE CORNER
WAITING FOR A BUS.
- WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
- TO GET MY PURSE.
- WHAT FOR?
- BUS FARE.
THE BUS NEVER SHOWS
UP! COME OVER HERE.
COME ON, COME ON.
JUST STAND RIGHT
HERE. OKAY, JACK?
- YEAH? - MM-HMM? OH, SORRY.
LESSON #1... IS APPROACH.
NOW YOU SIDLE UP TO THE GIRL.
- SIDLE?
- YEAH, YOU DON'T WANT
TO SCARE THE TARGET AWAY.
(chuckles) HERE,
LET ME SHOW YOU.
(clears throat)
OKAY. (fingers snap)
ARE YOU RELIGIOUS?
- YES.
- THEN YOU'RE PRAYERS
HAVE JUST BEEN ANSWERED!
HERE I AM.
BUZZ OFF, PINHEAD.
Janet: CHRISSY!
YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED
TO PLAY HARD TO GET.
UH, MR. FURLEY?
CAN I TRY IT NOW.
WELL, IT'S A LITTLE
SOON, BUT GO AHEAD.
I'LL JUST TRY IT.
OKAY. I'LL JUST RELAX.
(fingers snap)
YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE ABOUT YOU?
- WHAT?
- MY ARMS.
OH, THAT'S CUTE.
IT WAS BEGINNER'S LUCK.
OKAY, NOW WHAT?
CONTACT. PUT YOUR
ARMS AROUND HER.
NO, NO, NO. THAT'S
CLUMSY, CLUMSY.
CHRISSY, EXCUSE US A MINUTE.
- NOW, YOU TAKE HER ARM.
- YEAH.
- THEN YOU PUT
HER HAND IN YOURS.
- MM-HMM.
THIS HAND DISAPPEARS...
AND POPS UP HERE.
AND THIS HAND POPS DOWN HERE.
- AND THEN YOU PIVOT!
- WHOA!
- YOU TRY IT.
- OKAY. TAKE THIS HAND.
- (door knocks)
- YEAH.
THIS HAND?
- HI, IS JACK HERE?
- YES, JUST ONE MINUTE.
I JUST WANT TO TELL
HIM HOW SORRY...
WELL I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN!
I HOPE YOU TWO WILL BE VERY
HAPPY TOGETHER. GOODBYE, JACK!
(stammering) BOBBIE, WAIT!
HOLD ON, ADMIRAL!
I'M JUST HIS LANDLORD!
NO, NO, HEY. LET HIM GO.
- YOU NEVER CAN
TRUST A SAILOR.
- ATTABOY, JACK.
YOU KNOW SOMETHING?
I THINK YOU'RE READY
FOR THE BIG TEST RIGHT
NOW. COME ON OVER HERE.
I AM?
PLANT YOURSELF! OKAY, JANET.
- WHAT? OH GREAT.
- IT'S YOUR TURN. COME ON OVER HERE.
- YEAH. - RIGHT UP TO HIM. OKAY!
NOW THIS IS YOUR FINAL EXAM!
OKAY! LET HER RIP!
- JUST WATCH IT, JACK.
- DON'T SPOIL IT, JANET.
- WHAT DO I DO, MR. FURLEY?
- KISS HER! YEAH.
- KISS HER.
- GREAT.
ON THE LIPS?! EW! ICK! YUCK!
- IT'S YOUR FINAL EXAM!
- OKAY.
OKAY.
(inhales deeply)
OH, I CAN'T! I CAN'T KISS
ANOTHER WOMAN, PLEASE!
- OH YOU CREEP! YOU CREEP!
- NO, NO, WAIT, WAIT!
- I'M IN THE MOOD NOW. CAN I TOUCH HER?
- OH!
Mr. Furley: OH, OF COURSE. SURE.
HERE IT GOES.
(Janet moaning)
THAT'S IT! THAT'S
IT! YOU'VE GOT IT!
- (door knocking)
- THAT'S IT!
- Jack: GO AWAY!
- JACK! IT'S ME, LARRY!
I'VE GOT SOMETHING
IMPORTANT TO TELL YOU!
- JACK, I THINK WE
BETTER LET HIM IN.
- THAT'S IT FOR BRUNETTES!
LET ME TRY A BLONDE!
Larry: JACK! JACK!
- IT'S A MATTER
OF LIFE AND DEATH!
- OKAY, I'M COMING!
- WHAT?!
- JACK!
THAT'S GREAT! YOU'VE GRADUATED!
OH NO, TOO LATE.
CONGRATULATIONS, JACK!
YOU'RE A REAL MAN NOW.
I'VE GRADUATED! I'VE GRADUATED!
AND DON'T YOU FORGET TO KEEP IN
TOUCH AFTER YOU MOVE OUT OF HERE.
All: MOVE OUT?!
WELL SURE. NOW THAT HE'S
CHANGED, HE HAS TO MOVE OUT.
YOU'RE NOT GONNA
MOVE OUT, ARE YOU, JACK?
OH, YEAH! MY BROTHER BART
IS VERY STRICT
ABOUT THESE THINGS.
NOW YOU KEEP IN TOUCH, FELLA.
- (door shuts)
- OH, I WAS AFRAID
THIS WOULD HAPPEN.
EXCUSE ME. WAIT A MINUTE, LARRY.
YOU KNEW ABOUT ALL OF THIS.
YEAH, WELL, UH, FURLEY
TOLD ME YESTERDAY
BEFORE I WENT TO VEGAS.
THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU
COME UP AND TELL ME?!
BECAUSE THE METER
WAS RUNNING ON MY TAXI.
- WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME?!
- LONG DISTANCE?
(groans) WHAT AM I
GETTING MAD AT YOU FOR?
I'M THE ONE TO BLAME. I
THOUGHT I WAS BEING SO SMART.
WELL, DON'T WORRY, JACK. WE'RE
NOT GONNA LET YOU GO THAT EASILY.
THANKS, BUT WHAT CAN YOU DO?
WELL, ONE THING, WE COULD
GO DOWN AND TALK TO FURLEY.
- COME ON, CHRISSY.
- AND HE BETTER LET YOU
STAY OR ELSE...
- OR ELSE WHAT?
- OR ELSE HE WON'T!
I TELL YA, LARRY. I'M
SUCH A LOSER TODAY.
- FIRST MY HOME AND NOW
BOBBIE TRILLING.
- BOBBIE TRILLING?
- I KNOW HER.
- I USED TO KNOW HER.
TILL SHE CAME IN AND
SAW ME AND FURLEY
WITH OUR ARMS WRAPPED
AROUND EACH OTHER.
- YEAH, WELL I'D BE JEALOUS TOO IF I SAW...
- WILL YOU CUT IT OUT?!
FURLEY WAS SHOWING ME
HOW TO BE A "REAL" MAN, RIGHT?
AND NOW BOBBIE THINKS I'M GAY.
HEY, NO PROBLEM-O.
I'LL JUST CALL HER
- AND PATCH THINGS UP.
- NOT IN A MILLION YEARS.
- SHE'LL NEVER SEE ME AGAIN.
- HEY, JUST LEAVE EVERYTHING
TO UNCLE LARRY, ALL RIGHT?
AS LONG AS YOU'RE LEAVING, I'M
GONNA THROW YOU A FAREWELL PARTY.
AND THE PARTY'S NAME
IS BOBBIE TRILLING.
I'M GETTING A HEADACHE.
BOBBIE, IT'S AWFULLY NICE
OF YOU TO MEET ME HERE
AT A MOMENT'S NOTICE?
- WELL, YOU DID SAY
IT WAS AN EMERGENCY.
- OH, IT IS.
BOBBIE, YOU'RE A VERY WARM,
GENEROUS, GIVING PERSON.
- WHY THANK YOU, LARRY.
- AW, DON'T MENTION IT.
BOBBIE, I KNOW YOU'D
WANT TO HELP A MAN
WHO THINKS THE WORLD OF YOU
AND WHO NEEDS YOU, DESPERATELY.
OH, OF COURSE, LARRY.
- YOUR PLACE OR MINE?
- NO. (laughs)
WELL, MAYBE TOMORROW.
- I'M TALKING ABOUT JACK.
- JACK?! DON'T MENTION
HIS NAME TO ME.
- NO, NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
- NO, I SAW HIM IN THE ARMS
OF ANOTHER MAN.
THAT MAN WAS HIS FATHER.
- HIS FATHER?
- MM-HMM.
- THAT CRAZY, WEIRD...
- NO, NO, NO.
NOT CRAZY. DRUNK.
BLITZED OUT OF HIS GOURD
THAT'S WHY JACK HAD HIS ARMS
AROUND HIM. TO HOLD HIM UP.
BUT JACK SAID THAT
WAS HIS LANDLORD.
(sighs) HE DIDN'T WANT TO
EMBARRASS THE OLD MAN
- IN FRONT OF
A PERFECT STRANGER.
- OH.
YEAH, THAT'S BEEN JACK'S
TRAGIC SECRET ALL HIS LIFE.
THE THINGS THAT POOR BOY
HAS DONE FOR HIS FATHER.
- POOR JACK.
- YEAH.
SO BOBBIE, IF YOU COULD
FIND IT IN YOUR HEART
TO GO TO HIM NOW
WITH A LITTLE CHEER,
A LITTLE LOVE, TO
HELP HIM FORGET.
OH, YES I WILL. AND
THANK YOU FOR TELLING ME.
I SHOULD BE WRITING COMMERCIALS.
(door knocks)
JUST A MINUTE!
- BOBBIE.
- POOR, DEAR JACK.
LARRY TOLD ME EVERYTHING.
- OH, THEN YOU KNOW THAT MY LANDLORD...
- NO MORE SECRETS, JACK.
LARRY TOLD ME ABOUT YOUR FATHER.
- MY FATHER? WHAT FATHER?
- THAT POOR SICK MAN.
OH THAT FATHER! OH, YEAH.
YOU KNOW ABOUT
HIS HEART TROUBLE.
LARRY TOLD ME HE HAD
A DRINKING PROBLEM.
DRINKING PROBLEM! WHICH OF COURSE
BROUGHT ON THE HEART TROUBLE.
AND I RAN AWAY TWICE.
CAN I EVER MAKE IT UP TO YOU?
I HAVE A SUGGESTION.
- COME ON!
- I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE
DRAGGING ME UP HERE.
- IT'S NOT GONNA DO ANY GOOD.
- LOOK, THE VERY LEAST YOU
COULD DO IS LISTEN
- TO JACK'S SIDE OF THE STORY.
- YEAH, YOU'RE THE ONE
WHO CHANGED HIM.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, COME ON.
RIGHT IN HERE, COME ON.
I'LL LISTEN BUT I... (screams)
- ARE YOU TWO AT IT AGAIN?!
- MR. FURLEY!
AFTER ALL MY TEACHING!
WELL, ONCE A TIPPY-TOES
ALWAYS A TIPPY-TOES.
- NOW WAIT A SECOND.
- ISN'T YOUR SHIP EVER
GOING TO SAIL?
OH MY GOD, HE'S DRUNK AGAIN.
YEAH, POOR MAN.
- DON'T PAY ANY ATTENTION...
- OH, GET AWAY FROM ME!
COOL IT, SWABBY.
I WAS JUST ADMIRING
THE WAR PAINT.
IT MUST TAKE YOU DAYS
TO GET LOOKING THAT GOOD.
OH, NOW THAT DOES IT!
AND I DON'T CARE IF YOU DO
HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM!
OH, SHE DIDN'T MEAN THAT.
THAT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
- BOBBIE, SAY YOU'RE SORRY.
- YOU WANT ME TO SAY
I'M SORRY?
- YES!
- OKAY!
I'M SORRY I EVER MET YOU!
OW!
- OH.
- CHEER UP, JACK.
AT LEAST YOU WON'T
HAVE TO MOVE OUT.
- I WON'T?
- OF COURSE NOT.
IT'S OBVIOUS YOU'RE NEVER
GONNA BE INTERESTED IN FEMALES.
(girls cheering)
- WELCOME HOME!
- CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?
- YEAH.
- WELCOME HOME...
OH, GET AWAY FROM ME!
SO NEAR AND YET SO FAR.
(indistinct chattering)
- (doorbell rings)
- COMING!
HI, MR. FURLEY.
HI, JANET. IS JACK HERE? I
WANNA ASK HIM A QUESTION.
OH YEAH. HIS NAVY BUDDY
CAME IN. THEY'RE IN THE KITCHEN.
DID THEY GET TOGETHER AGAIN?
- WASN'T IT CALLOWAY?
- CALLOWAY.
- MR. FURLEY, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY...
- I KNOW, I KNOW.
- WE MET, REMEMBER?
- WHEN?
WHEN? WHEN YOU HIT
ME WITH YOUR PURSE!
- HUH?
- AND I'LL TELL YOU
SOMETHING, BOBBIE.
YOU MAKE A BETTER LOOKING
GIRL THAN YOU DO A GUY.
- (chuckles)
- NOW WAIT A MINUTE!
NO, WAIT, WAIT. HE
WAS JUST KIDDING.
LET ME ASK YOU
SOMETHING CONFIDENTIALLY.
DON'T YOU FEEL A LITTLE NAKED
WITHOUT YOUR PANTYHOSE?
- MR. FURLEY.
- WHAT'S THIS GUY
TALKING ABOUT?
- HEY, JACK,
HELP ME OUT!
- OH, OH!
HELP ME OUT, JACK!
(theme music playing)
Ritter's voice: "THREE'S
COMPANY" WAS VIDEOTAPED
IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.
♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪
♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪
♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪
♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪
♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE
HERS AND HERS AND HIS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪
♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
♪ WE'VE A LOVABLE SPACE
THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO. ♪
- HI, JANET.
- HI, JACK.
- HOW'S MY FAVORITE PERSON?
- OH, FINE, THANKS.
- JANET?
- WHAT?
(long gasp) DON'T MOVE.
WHAT?
THE WAY THE LIGHT
IS HITTING YOUR FACE...
I HAVE NEVER SEEN
YOU LOOK SO BEAUTIFUL.
YOU ARE A BOTTICELLI PAINTING.
YOU ARE A SCULPTURE
BY MICHELANGELO.
- NO.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN "NO"?
I MEAN, NO. NO, JACK.
IT IS YOUR TURN. I WILL NOT
CLEAN THE APARTMENT FOR YOU.
OKAY, JANET, OKAY.
WHERE'S CHRISSY?
SHE'S IN TAKING A SHOWER, BUT
SHE SAID TO TELL YOU NO TOO.
I'D LIKE TO HEAR THAT FROM
HER, THANK YOU VERY KINDLY.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
CHRISSY?
NO.
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO
THE MILK OF HUMAN KINDNESS?
ALL I'M GETTING AROUND
HERE IS SOUR CREAM.
LOOK JACK, EVERY TIME YOU
HAVE TO COOK FOR A HOT DATE,
CHRISSY AND I GET
THE SAME ROUTINE.
PLEASE, GIRLS, JUST THIS ONCE, WON'T
YOU CLEAN THE APARTMENT FOR ME?
- WELL, NOT THIS TIME.
- OH NO?
NO, I WANT YOU TO CLEAN THE
APARTMENT AND STAY AWAY FROM IT, PLEASE.
- WHAT?
- FORGET IT, JACK.
PLEASE, GIRLS, THIS
ONE'S REAL SPECIAL.
SURE, THEY ALL ARE.
OH YEAH? WOULD I BUY SIX LBS.
OF PRIME RIB FOR JUST ANYONE?
IT SOUNDS LIKE YOUR
DATE IS A ST. BERNARD.
- BOY, THIS MUST BE LOVE.
- I KNOW.
HEY, JACK, WHO IS
THIS GIRL ANYWAY?
- HER NAME HAPPENS TO BE
BOBBIE TRILLING.
- YEAH?
AND SHE ENTERED A BEAUTY
CONTEST AND WON FIRST PRIZE...
"MISS BEACH VOLLEYBALL."
THAT'S NOT MUCH OF A PRIZE.
I'D RATHER WIN "MR.
BEACH VOLLEYBALL."
I DON'T NEED YOUR VERY BAD
JOKES. I NEED YOUR HELP, PLEASE.
I GUESS WE COULD GO TO
A MOVIE UNTIL 10:00, JANET.
OH, THANKS. JANET,
PLEASE. (moans)
ALL RIGHT, TILL 10:00,
JACK, BUT 10:00, OKAY?
AFTER THAT, WHATEVER
YOU'RE DOING WITH THAT GIRL,
- YOU'RE GONNA BE DOING
WITH US TOO.
- PARDON ME?
- I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT.
- (door knocks)
THANK YOU, GIRLS.
- YOU ARE WELCOME.
- Jack: WOO!
OH, HERE IS YOUR MAIL.
- Janet: HI, MR. FURLEY.
- Chrissy: HI.
HEY, LISTEN... WHERE
HAVE YOU PEOPLE BEEN?
YOU COMPLAIN I NEVER FIX THINGS
THEN WHEN I COME UP HERE YOU LET
THE DOORBELL RING FOR 10 MINUTES.
THAT'S BROKEN TOO.
- ALL RIGHT,
I'LL GET TO THAT.
- THANK YOU.
- AND WHAT'S THIS ABOUT
NO HEAT IN YOUR BEDROOM?
- RIGHT IN THERE.
THAT WAS BEFORE HE GOT THE
DATE WITH MISS BEACH VOLLEYBALL.
(chuckles)
TIPPY-TOES HAS GOT A
WHAT WITH MISS WHO?
NO, NO, NO, NO, SHE SAID...
I DON'T WANT TO MISS MY DATE TO PLAY
BEACH VOLLEYBALL WITH THE FELLOWS.
YOU KNOW... NO SPIKING!
AND I BET WHEN YOU BOYS
ARE THROUGH WITH THE NET,
- YOU CUT IT UP
FOR T-SHIRTS.
- (Jack laughs)
T-SHIRTS! OH, THAT'S VERY FUNNY!
OKAY, MR. FURLEY, TAKE YOUR
CHOICE... HEATER OR DOORBELL.
- DOORBELL.
- THANK YOU. CHRISSY...
- Chrissy: I FORGOT.
- Janet: SHH.
- I'LL BE DARNED!
- WHAT?
- THIS IS FROM B.J.
- WHO IS B.J.?
HE'S COMING TO VISIT ME.
- WHO IS B.J.?
- I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM IN YEARS.
- WHO THE DEVIL IS B.J.?
- IT'S MY OLD NAVY BUDDY.
WE WENT ALL THROUGH BOOT CAMP
TOGETHER, BUT WE GOT SEPARATED.
OH, POOR BABY.
SOMETIMES THESE THINGS
JUST DON'T WORK OUT.
JUST FIX THE DOORBELL, WOULD
YOU, PLEASE? THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
(electric crackling)
- (snaps)
- (screams)
YOU PEOPLE HAVE BEEN
RINGING THIS WRONG.
I'LL HAVE TO COME BACK.
WELL, THE OLD WIZARD
CERTAINLY FIXED IT, DIDN'T HE?
YEAH, NOW WE HAVE THE ONLY
DOORBELL THAT SENDS SMOKE SIGNALS.
(snorting, chuckling)
GET IT?
(whistling)
(throat clears)
BOBBIE, WOULD YOU LIKE
AN AFTER-DINNER DRINK?
NO, THANKS, JACK
I MIGHT SPILL IT WHEN
WE START NECKING.
I BEG YOUR PARDON?
WELL, YOU FIXED THAT DELICIOUS
DINNER AND YOU'VE BEEN SO NICE...
WHAT ELSE DID YOU HAVE IN MIND?
NOTHING, NOTHING AT ALL.
I'M GLAD. I CAN'T
STAND REJECTION.
WELL, THERE WON'T BE ANY.
WE DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME.
- WHAT?
- I MEAN... NOW IS THE TIME.
(door knocks)
- IS THAT YOUR ROOMMATES?
- NO, IT'S MY HEART POUNDING.
AH!
UH... YOU DIDN'T ANSWER.
I GOT YOU A NEW THERMOSTAT.
WONDERFUL. THANK YOU. BYE.
YOU KNOW WHAT THIS
MEANS, DON'T YOU?
YEAH, I FINALLY GET A
HEATER IN MY BEDROOM.
I'M TALKING ABOUT YOU AND HER.
UH... DID YOU SAY HER?
YEAH, HER, SHE, HER!
OF COURSE, HOW COULD YOU KNOW?
KNOW WHAT?
THAT SHE IS NOT
A HER. SHE'S A HE.
SHE'S A HE?
OR HE IS A SHE,
TAKE YOUR CHOICE.
THAT'S MY OLD NAVY
BUDDY, B.J., BOBBIE, UH...
THAT GIRL IS A GUY?
ONLY ON DATES.
THAT HER IS A HIM?
YEAH, MOST OF THE TIME IT'S
BOSUN'S MATE BOB, U.S. NAVY.
WHAT WON'T YOU
PEOPLE THINK OF NEXT?
SO NOW EVERYTHING IS OKAY, HUH?
- I GOT TO SEE THIS
CLOSE UP.
- NO, NO.
(Jack mumbling)
OH, BOBBIE, THIS IS MY LANDLORD.
HI.
RELAX, PAL.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE
SENSITIVE AROUND ME.
IT'S JUST THAT I'VE NEVER GOTTEN
THIS CLOSE TO ONE OF YOU BEFORE.
I CAN SEE WHY.
- HOW DO YOU GET
YOUR VOICE SO HIGH?
- WHAT?
UH, MR. FURLEY WE'D LOVE
YOU TO STAY AND CHAT,
BUT WE KNOW HOW BUSY YOU ARE.
EVERYTHING LOOKS SO REAL.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- I BET THAT WIG
COST A FORTUNE.
- HEY, STOP THAT.
OH, HE'S KIDDING, YOU
KNOW, LANDLORDS...
THE SKIN AND EVERYTHING. IT MUST
BE MURDER SHAVING THAT CLOSE.
JACK, IS THIS SOME
KIND OF A JOKE?
I GOTTA HAND IT TO YOU...
YOU SURE HAD ME FOOLED.
OUCH! THAT HURT, YOU CREEP!
- BOBBIE, WAIT. I'LL GO WITH YOU.
- NO, BACK OFF NOW.
I'VE MET SOME WEIRDOS IN MY
DAYS, BUT HE TAKES THE PRIZE.
- AND YOU... YOU DIDN'T
EVEN TRY TO STOP IT.
- BOBBIE, WAIT. I CAN EXPLAIN.
(yelps)
LISTEN TO WHO'S TALKING WEIRDOS.
MR. FURLEY.
RELAX, JACK. YOU KNOW WHAT THEY
SAY... YOU CAN NEVER TRUST A SAILOR.
THERE WENT PARADISE, NOT TO
MENTION SIX LBS. OF PRIME RIB.
YOU KNOW SOMETHING, JACK?
YOU'RE ALMOST THERE. WHY
DON'T YOU TAKE THAT LAST STEP?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
WELL, SHE... HE... WHATEVER...
THAT WAS SO CLOSE
TO THE REAL THING,
WHY DON'T YOU COME
OVER TO THE OTHER SIDE?
WHAT?!
YOU'RE STANDING AT THE GOLDEN
DOOR, LET ME PULL YOU THROUGH.
- YOU MEAN... GIRLS?
- YEAH.
AND RALPH FURLEY HERE,
THE KING OF ROMANCE,
I'LL TEACH YOU EVERYTHING
I KNOW PERSONALLY.
YOU'LL GET THE BENEFIT OF ALL MY
EXPERIENCE AND SKILL WITH WOMEN.
YOU'LL BE A SWINGING MACHO
MAN BEFORE YOU KNOW IT.
WAIT A MINUTE... YOU MEAN
YOU WILL CONVERT ME?
IT'S NOT GONNA BE EASY,
BUT I THINK I CAN DO IT.
I MAY BE THE ONLY
ONE THAT CAN DO IT.
YOU MEAN... SO I CAN DATE
GIRLS, RIGHT OUT IN THE OPEN
AND TAKE THEM TO THE BEAGLE AND HUG
'EM AND KISS 'EM AND LORD KNOWS WHAT?
- YEAH, IT'S GREAT
STUFF, TRUST ME.
- OKAY, WHEN DO I START?
I'LL START YOUR FIRST
LESSON TOMORROW, SLUGGER.
MR. FURLEY, THANKS.
- WRONG.
- SORRY.
IT'S GONNA BE UPHILL.
- HI, GIRLS.
- OH HI, MR. FURLEY.
KEEP AN EYE ON HIM, WILL YOU?
SEE YOU TOMORROW, FELLA.
AHA, THAT'S IT. THAT'S
IT. I'M FREE. I'M FREE!
BOY, THAT MUST
HAVE BEEN SOME DATE.
- NO, I DON'T HAVE
TO FAKE IT ANYMORE.
- Janet: WHAT?
FURLEY'S GONNA SHOW ME
HOW TO BE A REAL LADIES' MAN.
WOO!
- (honking)
- ALL RIGHT, I'M COMING.
HI, LARRY. WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
I'M JUST TAKING A LITTLE
SIDE TRIP TO VEGAS.
OH YEAH? WHEN YOU COME BACK YOU'RE
GONNA SEE A BIG CHANGE AROUND HERE.
- OH REALLY? WHAT, ARE YOU
FINALLY FIXING UP THE PLACE?
- (chuckles)
- NO, I'M GONNA FIX JACK.
- I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS BROKEN.
(both laugh)
NO, NO. JACK WANTS
TO BE A REAL MAN
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW.
- YOU'RE GONNA SHOW HIM?
- YEAH, I'M GONNA TEACH HIM
EVERYTHING I KNOW.
WELL THAT SHOULDN'T
TAKE TOO LONG.
(stammering) I MEAN JACK
IS A VERY GOOD STUDENT.
OH, YEAH. HE SHOULD
GRADUATE IN NO TIME.
YOU KNOW SOMETHING THOUGH?
I'M REALLY GONNA MISS HIM.
- OH? WHY IS THAT?
- WE CAN'T HAVE A MAN LIVING
HERE WITH TWO GIRLS.
MY BROTHER BART
WOULD NEVER ALLOW IT.
SO JACK WILL JUST
HAVE TO MOVE OUT.
- WELL, HAVE A GOOD TRIP.
- WHA...
- (car honking)
- (sighs)
ALL RIGHT, ALL
RIGHT! I'M COMING!
AHH.
OKAY, YOU GUYS. PROMISE ME
YOU WON'T LAUGH NO MATTER WHAT.
OKAY, JACK, WE PROMISE.
I DON'T KNOW WHY FURLEY INSISTS
ON CHRISSY AND I BEING HERE.
- I GUESS HE WANTS
AN AUDIENCE.
- (snickers)
YOU KNOW, EVERY TIME I THINK OF
FURLEY TEACHING JACK HOW TO BE A MAN...
- YEAH, REALLY.
- (both giggling)
KNOCK IT OFF, OKAY? YOU'RE
GONNA BLOW MY ONE CHANCE
TO QUIT THIS ACT I'VE HAD
TO PUT ON FOR THREE YEARS.
- OKAY, WE'RE SORRY. WE'LL BE GOOD.
- (door knocks)
THAT'S HIM. NOW REMEMBER,
YOU HAVE TO TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY
- NO MATTER WHAT HE SAYS,
PLAY ALONG WITH HIM.
- Janet: OKAY, WE'LL PLAY ALONG.
I GOTTA REMEMBER
TO FIX THAT DOORBELL.
- NEVER MIND THAT, MR. FURLEY,
JUST COME ON IN.
- OKAY.
- HOW YA DOING, TIGER?
- (growls) READY!
THAT'S THE OLD FIGHT. HI, GIRLS.
- (both) HI, MR. FURLEY.
- I GOTTA ADMIT, MR. FURLEY,
- I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS.
- OH, THERE'S NOTHING TO BE
SCARED ABOUT, JACK.
- THIS WON'T HURT A BIT.
- (both chuckle)
NOW AS YOU ALL KNOW,
I'M HERE TO TEACH JACK
HOW TO BE A REAL MAN.
- NOW YOU MAY LAUGH AT THIS.
- OH NO WE WON'T. HE TOLD US
NOT TO.
- YEAH, NOTHING, NOTHING. GO ON, PROFESSOR.
- OH, YEAH.
WHICH ONE OF YOU LADIES
WOULD LIKE THE HONOR
OF BEING MY PARTNER
IN THIS DEMONSTRATION?
GO AHEAD, CHRISSY.
MR. FURLEY'S WAITING.
- OH, NO, YOU DESERVE
THE HONOR MORE.
- CHRISSY.
YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND,
I WANT YOU TO DO THIS.
NO, YOU'VE BEEN SO
KIND TO ME, I INSIST.
COME ON, GIRLS.
DON'T FIGHT OVER ME.
- GOSH, I'LL USE
CHRISSY FIRST.
- OH, DOUBLE DARN.
ALL RIGHT, CHRISSY. YOU'RE
STANDING ON THE CORNER
WAITING FOR A BUS.
- WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
- TO GET MY PURSE.
- WHAT FOR?
- BUS FARE.
THE BUS NEVER SHOWS
UP! COME OVER HERE.
COME ON, COME ON.
JUST STAND RIGHT
HERE. OKAY, JACK?
- YEAH? - MM-HMM? OH, SORRY.
LESSON #1... IS APPROACH.
NOW YOU SIDLE UP TO THE GIRL.
- SIDLE?
- YEAH, YOU DON'T WANT
TO SCARE THE TARGET AWAY.
(chuckles) HERE,
LET ME SHOW YOU.
(clears throat)
OKAY. (fingers snap)
ARE YOU RELIGIOUS?
- YES.
- THEN YOU'RE PRAYERS
HAVE JUST BEEN ANSWERED!
HERE I AM.
BUZZ OFF, PINHEAD.
Janet: CHRISSY!
YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED
TO PLAY HARD TO GET.
UH, MR. FURLEY?
CAN I TRY IT NOW.
WELL, IT'S A LITTLE
SOON, BUT GO AHEAD.
I'LL JUST TRY IT.
OKAY. I'LL JUST RELAX.
(fingers snap)
YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE ABOUT YOU?
- WHAT?
- MY ARMS.
OH, THAT'S CUTE.
IT WAS BEGINNER'S LUCK.
OKAY, NOW WHAT?
CONTACT. PUT YOUR
ARMS AROUND HER.
NO, NO, NO. THAT'S
CLUMSY, CLUMSY.
CHRISSY, EXCUSE US A MINUTE.
- NOW, YOU TAKE HER ARM.
- YEAH.
- THEN YOU PUT
HER HAND IN YOURS.
- MM-HMM.
THIS HAND DISAPPEARS...
AND POPS UP HERE.
AND THIS HAND POPS DOWN HERE.
- AND THEN YOU PIVOT!
- WHOA!
- YOU TRY IT.
- OKAY. TAKE THIS HAND.
- (door knocks)
- YEAH.
THIS HAND?
- HI, IS JACK HERE?
- YES, JUST ONE MINUTE.
I JUST WANT TO TELL
HIM HOW SORRY...
WELL I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN!
I HOPE YOU TWO WILL BE VERY
HAPPY TOGETHER. GOODBYE, JACK!
(stammering) BOBBIE, WAIT!
HOLD ON, ADMIRAL!
I'M JUST HIS LANDLORD!
NO, NO, HEY. LET HIM GO.
- YOU NEVER CAN
TRUST A SAILOR.
- ATTABOY, JACK.
YOU KNOW SOMETHING?
I THINK YOU'RE READY
FOR THE BIG TEST RIGHT
NOW. COME ON OVER HERE.
I AM?
PLANT YOURSELF! OKAY, JANET.
- WHAT? OH GREAT.
- IT'S YOUR TURN. COME ON OVER HERE.
- YEAH. - RIGHT UP TO HIM. OKAY!
NOW THIS IS YOUR FINAL EXAM!
OKAY! LET HER RIP!
- JUST WATCH IT, JACK.
- DON'T SPOIL IT, JANET.
- WHAT DO I DO, MR. FURLEY?
- KISS HER! YEAH.
- KISS HER.
- GREAT.
ON THE LIPS?! EW! ICK! YUCK!
- IT'S YOUR FINAL EXAM!
- OKAY.
OKAY.
(inhales deeply)
OH, I CAN'T! I CAN'T KISS
ANOTHER WOMAN, PLEASE!
- OH YOU CREEP! YOU CREEP!
- NO, NO, WAIT, WAIT!
- I'M IN THE MOOD NOW. CAN I TOUCH HER?
- OH!
Mr. Furley: OH, OF COURSE. SURE.
HERE IT GOES.
(Janet moaning)
THAT'S IT! THAT'S
IT! YOU'VE GOT IT!
- (door knocking)
- THAT'S IT!
- Jack: GO AWAY!
- JACK! IT'S ME, LARRY!
I'VE GOT SOMETHING
IMPORTANT TO TELL YOU!
- JACK, I THINK WE
BETTER LET HIM IN.
- THAT'S IT FOR BRUNETTES!
LET ME TRY A BLONDE!
Larry: JACK! JACK!
- IT'S A MATTER
OF LIFE AND DEATH!
- OKAY, I'M COMING!
- WHAT?!
- JACK!
THAT'S GREAT! YOU'VE GRADUATED!
OH NO, TOO LATE.
CONGRATULATIONS, JACK!
YOU'RE A REAL MAN NOW.
I'VE GRADUATED! I'VE GRADUATED!
AND DON'T YOU FORGET TO KEEP IN
TOUCH AFTER YOU MOVE OUT OF HERE.
All: MOVE OUT?!
WELL SURE. NOW THAT HE'S
CHANGED, HE HAS TO MOVE OUT.
YOU'RE NOT GONNA
MOVE OUT, ARE YOU, JACK?
OH, YEAH! MY BROTHER BART
IS VERY STRICT
ABOUT THESE THINGS.
NOW YOU KEEP IN TOUCH, FELLA.
- (door shuts)
- OH, I WAS AFRAID
THIS WOULD HAPPEN.
EXCUSE ME. WAIT A MINUTE, LARRY.
YOU KNEW ABOUT ALL OF THIS.
YEAH, WELL, UH, FURLEY
TOLD ME YESTERDAY
BEFORE I WENT TO VEGAS.
THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU
COME UP AND TELL ME?!
BECAUSE THE METER
WAS RUNNING ON MY TAXI.
- WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME?!
- LONG DISTANCE?
(groans) WHAT AM I
GETTING MAD AT YOU FOR?
I'M THE ONE TO BLAME. I
THOUGHT I WAS BEING SO SMART.
WELL, DON'T WORRY, JACK. WE'RE
NOT GONNA LET YOU GO THAT EASILY.
THANKS, BUT WHAT CAN YOU DO?
WELL, ONE THING, WE COULD
GO DOWN AND TALK TO FURLEY.
- COME ON, CHRISSY.
- AND HE BETTER LET YOU
STAY OR ELSE...
- OR ELSE WHAT?
- OR ELSE HE WON'T!
I TELL YA, LARRY. I'M
SUCH A LOSER TODAY.
- FIRST MY HOME AND NOW
BOBBIE TRILLING.
- BOBBIE TRILLING?
- I KNOW HER.
- I USED TO KNOW HER.
TILL SHE CAME IN AND
SAW ME AND FURLEY
WITH OUR ARMS WRAPPED
AROUND EACH OTHER.
- YEAH, WELL I'D BE JEALOUS TOO IF I SAW...
- WILL YOU CUT IT OUT?!
FURLEY WAS SHOWING ME
HOW TO BE A "REAL" MAN, RIGHT?
AND NOW BOBBIE THINKS I'M GAY.
HEY, NO PROBLEM-O.
I'LL JUST CALL HER
- AND PATCH THINGS UP.
- NOT IN A MILLION YEARS.
- SHE'LL NEVER SEE ME AGAIN.
- HEY, JUST LEAVE EVERYTHING
TO UNCLE LARRY, ALL RIGHT?
AS LONG AS YOU'RE LEAVING, I'M
GONNA THROW YOU A FAREWELL PARTY.
AND THE PARTY'S NAME
IS BOBBIE TRILLING.
I'M GETTING A HEADACHE.
BOBBIE, IT'S AWFULLY NICE
OF YOU TO MEET ME HERE
AT A MOMENT'S NOTICE?
- WELL, YOU DID SAY
IT WAS AN EMERGENCY.
- OH, IT IS.
BOBBIE, YOU'RE A VERY WARM,
GENEROUS, GIVING PERSON.
- WHY THANK YOU, LARRY.
- AW, DON'T MENTION IT.
BOBBIE, I KNOW YOU'D
WANT TO HELP A MAN
WHO THINKS THE WORLD OF YOU
AND WHO NEEDS YOU, DESPERATELY.
OH, OF COURSE, LARRY.
- YOUR PLACE OR MINE?
- NO. (laughs)
WELL, MAYBE TOMORROW.
- I'M TALKING ABOUT JACK.
- JACK?! DON'T MENTION
HIS NAME TO ME.
- NO, NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
- NO, I SAW HIM IN THE ARMS
OF ANOTHER MAN.
THAT MAN WAS HIS FATHER.
- HIS FATHER?
- MM-HMM.
- THAT CRAZY, WEIRD...
- NO, NO, NO.
NOT CRAZY. DRUNK.
BLITZED OUT OF HIS GOURD
THAT'S WHY JACK HAD HIS ARMS
AROUND HIM. TO HOLD HIM UP.
BUT JACK SAID THAT
WAS HIS LANDLORD.
(sighs) HE DIDN'T WANT TO
EMBARRASS THE OLD MAN
- IN FRONT OF
A PERFECT STRANGER.
- OH.
YEAH, THAT'S BEEN JACK'S
TRAGIC SECRET ALL HIS LIFE.
THE THINGS THAT POOR BOY
HAS DONE FOR HIS FATHER.
- POOR JACK.
- YEAH.
SO BOBBIE, IF YOU COULD
FIND IT IN YOUR HEART
TO GO TO HIM NOW
WITH A LITTLE CHEER,
A LITTLE LOVE, TO
HELP HIM FORGET.
OH, YES I WILL. AND
THANK YOU FOR TELLING ME.
I SHOULD BE WRITING COMMERCIALS.
(door knocks)
JUST A MINUTE!
- BOBBIE.
- POOR, DEAR JACK.
LARRY TOLD ME EVERYTHING.
- OH, THEN YOU KNOW THAT MY LANDLORD...
- NO MORE SECRETS, JACK.
LARRY TOLD ME ABOUT YOUR FATHER.
- MY FATHER? WHAT FATHER?
- THAT POOR SICK MAN.
OH THAT FATHER! OH, YEAH.
YOU KNOW ABOUT
HIS HEART TROUBLE.
LARRY TOLD ME HE HAD
A DRINKING PROBLEM.
DRINKING PROBLEM! WHICH OF COURSE
BROUGHT ON THE HEART TROUBLE.
AND I RAN AWAY TWICE.
CAN I EVER MAKE IT UP TO YOU?
I HAVE A SUGGESTION.
- COME ON!
- I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE
DRAGGING ME UP HERE.
- IT'S NOT GONNA DO ANY GOOD.
- LOOK, THE VERY LEAST YOU
COULD DO IS LISTEN
- TO JACK'S SIDE OF THE STORY.
- YEAH, YOU'RE THE ONE
WHO CHANGED HIM.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, COME ON.
RIGHT IN HERE, COME ON.
I'LL LISTEN BUT I... (screams)
- ARE YOU TWO AT IT AGAIN?!
- MR. FURLEY!
AFTER ALL MY TEACHING!
WELL, ONCE A TIPPY-TOES
ALWAYS A TIPPY-TOES.
- NOW WAIT A SECOND.
- ISN'T YOUR SHIP EVER
GOING TO SAIL?
OH MY GOD, HE'S DRUNK AGAIN.
YEAH, POOR MAN.
- DON'T PAY ANY ATTENTION...
- OH, GET AWAY FROM ME!
COOL IT, SWABBY.
I WAS JUST ADMIRING
THE WAR PAINT.
IT MUST TAKE YOU DAYS
TO GET LOOKING THAT GOOD.
OH, NOW THAT DOES IT!
AND I DON'T CARE IF YOU DO
HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM!
OH, SHE DIDN'T MEAN THAT.
THAT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
- BOBBIE, SAY YOU'RE SORRY.
- YOU WANT ME TO SAY
I'M SORRY?
- YES!
- OKAY!
I'M SORRY I EVER MET YOU!
OW!
- OH.
- CHEER UP, JACK.
AT LEAST YOU WON'T
HAVE TO MOVE OUT.
- I WON'T?
- OF COURSE NOT.
IT'S OBVIOUS YOU'RE NEVER
GONNA BE INTERESTED IN FEMALES.
(girls cheering)
- WELCOME HOME!
- CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?
- YEAH.
- WELCOME HOME...
OH, GET AWAY FROM ME!
SO NEAR AND YET SO FAR.
(indistinct chattering)
- (doorbell rings)
- COMING!
HI, MR. FURLEY.
HI, JANET. IS JACK HERE? I
WANNA ASK HIM A QUESTION.
OH YEAH. HIS NAVY BUDDY
CAME IN. THEY'RE IN THE KITCHEN.
DID THEY GET TOGETHER AGAIN?
- WASN'T IT CALLOWAY?
- CALLOWAY.
- MR. FURLEY, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY...
- I KNOW, I KNOW.
- WE MET, REMEMBER?
- WHEN?
WHEN? WHEN YOU HIT
ME WITH YOUR PURSE!
- HUH?
- AND I'LL TELL YOU
SOMETHING, BOBBIE.
YOU MAKE A BETTER LOOKING
GIRL THAN YOU DO A GUY.
- (chuckles)
- NOW WAIT A MINUTE!
NO, WAIT, WAIT. HE
WAS JUST KIDDING.
LET ME ASK YOU
SOMETHING CONFIDENTIALLY.
DON'T YOU FEEL A LITTLE NAKED
WITHOUT YOUR PANTYHOSE?
- MR. FURLEY.
- WHAT'S THIS GUY
TALKING ABOUT?
- HEY, JACK,
HELP ME OUT!
- OH, OH!
HELP ME OUT, JACK!
(theme music playing)
Ritter's voice: "THREE'S
COMPANY" WAS VIDEOTAPED
IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.