Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 3, Episode 19 - The Bake-Off - full transcript
Chrissy accidentally eats a pie that Jack has prepared to represent his school in a bake-off contest.
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SEND HIM IN.
GOOD MORNING. YOU WANTED
TO SEE ME, MR. TRAVERS?
SIT DOWN, JACK.
WE HAVE SOMETHING VERY
IMPORTANT TO TALK ABOUT.
MR. TRAVERS, IF THIS IS ABOUT
SALLY WOODROW, IT WAS A BIG MISTAKE.
- JACK...
- NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
HER LOCKER IS RIGHT NEXT TO MINE AND
WHEN SHE DROPPED HER POTS AND PANS,
WE BENT DOWN TO PICK THEM UP. I
THOUGHT I WAS GRABBING HER DOUBLE BOILER.
JACK, I'M NOT INTERESTED
IN HER DOUBLE BOILER.
YOU'RE NOT? THEN WHY
DID YOU CALL ME IN HERE?
I DIDN'T CALL YOU IN
HERE, JACK. DESTINY DID.
- OH.
- JACK,
WHY DO YOU THINK I BECAME
DEAN OF THIS SCHOOL?
BECAUSE OF THE MONEY?
NO, NOT BECAUSE OF THE MONEY.
- BECAUSE IT'S EASY?
- NO, IT'S NOT EASY!
- BECAUSE I'M A NICE GUY?
- NO, YOU'RE NOT A NICE GUY.
NO, NO, NO. I MEAN,
YOU ARE A NICE GUY,
BUT THAT'S NOT WHY YOU UH...
WHAT WAS THE QUESTION?
COME OVER HERE, JACK,
AND I'LL SHOW YOU WHY.
YOU'RE LOOKING AT
MY PRIDE AND JOY...
FIRST PLACE IN THE CALIFORNIA
TECH SCHOOL BAKE-OFF,
- NINE YEARS IN A ROW.
- HEY, THAT'S REALLY GOOD.
THREE YEARS AGO, THIS
WAS OUR BAKED ALASKA.
THE YEAR BEFORE THAT, THIS
WAS OUR STRAWBERRY TART.
AREN'T THEY A
LITTLE STALE BY NOW?
- SORRY.
- AND THIS YEAR, JACK,
YOU'RE OUR CHOCOLATE MOUSSE.
- EXCUSE ME... WHAT?
- YOU ARE GONNA REPRESENT
OUR SCHOOL IN THE BAKE-OFF.
ME?!
WELL, I'M... I'M TERRIBLY FLATTERED,
MR. TRAVERS, BUT WHY ME?
BECAUSE YOUR PASTRY TEACHER SAYS
YOU ARE OUR MOST PROMISING CHEF.
- (gasps)
- THIS IS THE ROSE BOWL
OF BAKING, JACK.
AND I NEED THE O.J.
SIMPSON OF CRUSTS.
WOW, I'M TRULY
HONORED, MR. TRAVERS.
OF COURSE YOU ARE. (chuckles)
- IT'S NOT
GONNA BE EASY, JACK.
- OH, I KNOW THAT.
I MEAN, IT'S GONNA
BE A LOT OF TASTING,
TESTING, PERFECTING,
NO DISTRACTION, JACK!
THE NEXT FEW WEEKS,
YOU'LL BE EATING, SLEEPING,
AND DRINKING MOUSSE PIE.
THAT'S CERTAINLY NOT GONNA
BE A PIECE OF CAKE, IS IT?
PIE... I'M SORRY.
MY ROOMMATES ARE GONNA
UNDERSTAND. DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT.
(chuckles) OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
I MEAN, THE LAST TIME WE
TALKED, YOU WERE LIVING...
- WITH A NUMBER OF GIRLS.
- NO, TWO... ONLY TWO.
"ONLY TWO."
WELL, THIS IS GONNA TAKE
A LOT OF YOUR TIME, JACK.
I MEAN, DON'T YOU THINK YOU
OUGHT TO CHANGE THE WAY YOU LIVE?
NO, NO, THE WAY I LIVE IS A
DEFINITE PLUS, MR. TRAVERS.
- I'M COOKING ALL THE TIME.
- REALLY?
WELL, THAT'S ABOUT IT, JACK,
BUT BEFORE YOU GO LET
ME GIVE YOU SOME ADVICE.
- YEAH.
- DON'T GET UPTIGHT.
- DON'T GET PANICKY.
- NO.
- AND DON'T GET NERVOUS.
- I WON'T.
- AND MOST IMPORTANT... DON'T LOSE.
- YES SIR.
(singing fanfare)
- HI, JACK.
- "HI, JACK"? CHRISSY,
THIS ISN'T A "HI, JACK" DAY.
- THIS IS A "WOW, JACK" DAY.
- WHY? WHAT HAPPENED?
ONLY THE BEST THING THAT'S
EVER HAPPENED TO ME IN MY LIFE.
YOU MADE OUT WITH THAT
BLONDE IN YOUR PASTRY CLASS?
SECOND BEST THING
THAT'S EVER HAPPENED
TO ME IN MY LIFE.
- JACK, DON'T KEEP US
IN SUSPENSE. TELL US.
- ALL RIGHT.
THE TECH SCHOOLS OF CALIFORNIA
ARE HOLDING THEIR ANNUAL
BAKE-OFF COMPETITION...
(gasps) JACK, THAT'S SO
TERRIFIC, THAT'S FANTASTIC,
THAT'S SO EXCITING! (gasping)
CHRISSY, WAIT A MINUTE.
HE DIDN'T TELL US THE
GOOD NEWS YET, OKAY?
- COME ON, JACK, TELL US.
- ONLY IF SHE'LL PROMISE
TO DO THAT AGAIN.
OKAY, SHE PROMISES. NOW TELL IT.
I JUST TALKED TO MY DEAN. HE
WANTS MY CHOCOLATE MOUSSE PIE
- TO REPRESENT OUR SCHOOL!
- NO KIDDING.
- OH, JACK...
- THE BAKE-OFF.
- I'M SO PROUD OF YOU.
- YEAH, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
- Janet: THAT'S GREAT.
- ALL RIGHT, GIRLS. SIT DOWN.
- I WANNA TALK TO YOU.
- Chrissy and Janet: OKAY.
- (girls scream)
- STOP...
ALL RIGHT. NOW, LISTEN, GIRLS,
I'M GONNA BE TRYING OUT
A LOT OF DIFFERENT
KINDS OF RECIPES, OKAY?
- SO I'M GONNA
BE VERY, VERY BUSY.
- WE UNDERSTAND.
YEAH, BUT THAT MEANS THINGS ARE
GONNA HAVE TO CHANGE AROUND HERE.
- OKAY. LIKE WHAT?
- WELL, FOR OPENERS,
YOU GIRLS GOTTA STOP HUGGING
AND KISSING ME THIS WEEK.
I'VE GOT NO TIME FOR THAT.
- "HUGGING AND KISSING"?
- YEAH, I KNOW IT'S NOT
GONNA BE EASY.
AND I DON'T WANT YOU SNEAKING
INTO MY ROOM LATE AT
NIGHT FOR A LITTLE FUN.
- HUH?
- OH, I CAN SEE
YOU'RE UPSET,
- YOU CRAZY KIDS.
- (Janet chuckles)
I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE
DISAPPOINTMENT, SO I'LL TELL YOU WHAT,
LET'S GET THIS WEEK'S HUGGING
AND KISSING OVER WITH RIGHT NOW.
- OH, JACK...
- JACK, I HAVE A HEADACHE!
- Chrissy: JACK?
- NOT NOW, CHRISSY.
- WHATEVER IT IS, ASK JANET.
- SHE'S NOT HOME.
CHRISSY, I DON'T HAVE
TIME FOR QUESTIONS.
I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR ANYTHING.
OKAY, JACK. I JUST NEEDED
YOU IN THE BEDROOM, THAT'S ALL.
WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY
IT WAS IMPORTANT?
- I DIDN'T WANT TO DISTURB YOU.
- CHRISSY, THE DAY YOU STOP
DISTURBING ME
IS THE DAY I RUN
AND SEE MY DOCTOR.
CAN YOU HELP ME MAKE THE BED?
YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO
TO ALL THAT TROUBLE.
JACK, WILL YOU CUT IT OUT?
- JUST GRAB AN END.
- I WAS TRYING TO.
- OF THE SHEETS.
- OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.
- I CAN'T GET
THE CORNERS ON.
- ALL RIGHT.
- OKAY, JUST PULL.
- CHRISSY, COME ON.
- GIVE ME SOME SLACK.
- THEY DON'T FIT.
OKAY, CHRISSY.
HERE, I'VE GOT AN IDEA.
- ALL RIGHT, LOOK,
I'LL BEND THIS UP...
- YEAH.
OKAY? NOW, YOU HOLD THIS, WHILE
I PUT THE END OVER THIS CORNER.
NOW GET THE SHEET.
HERE'S THE SHEET.
THAT WAS GOOD, CHRISSY.
- WHAT'S GOING ON?
- WELL, JACK WAS JUST
GIVING ME A HAND.
DON'T YOU EVER STOP?
WE'RE HAVING A LITTLE
PROBLEM MAKING THE BED.
YOU WOULDN'T IF
YOU GOT OFF IT FIRST.
HERE, CHRISSY, YOU TAKE
THE RENT DOWN TO THE ROPERS,
- I'LL TAKE
CARE OF THE BED.
- OH, GOOD DEAL.
- YEAH.
- OKAY, THIS IS GONNA BE
A LITTLE PROBLEM.
- PARDON ME?
- FIRST THINGS FIRST.
I WILL HOLD THIS END, THEN
WE'LL GET THE MATTRESS...
HOW DID YOU DO THAT?!
- Both: OH.
- HI, MRS. ROPER.
OH, CHRISSY, HEY, LISTEN,
DO YOU HAVE ANY ASPIRIN?
I THINK I'M COMING
DOWN WITH A COLD.
THAT'S FUNNY, I WAS JUST COMING
DOWN WITH THE RENT. (snorts, laughs)
- HERE'S THE RENT.
- OH, THANKS.
I THINK I HAVE SOME
ASPIRIN IN MY PURSE.
YOU KNOW, THIS MORNING I
WOKE UP WITH A HEADACHE.
- YOU DID? SO DID I.
- MINE WAS POUNDING.
MINE WAS SNORING.
(both laugh)
HEY, YOU. YOU'RE IN
A GOOD MOOD TODAY.
I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT
JACK. IT WAS SO FUNNY.
YEAH? WHAT? TELL ME,
TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED.
YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN US. I ASKED
JACK TO HELP ME MAKE THE BED,
AND WE COULDN'T GET THE
SHEETS ON THE MATTRESS.
I'D PULL MY CORNER
AND HIS WOULD FALL OFF.
- THEN HE'D PULL HIS CORNER,
MINE WOULD FALL OFF.
- (laughs)
WE MADE A COMPLETE
SHAMBLES OF THE BEDROOM.
Mrs. Roper: OH, THAT
MUST'VE BEEN FUN.
NO MATTER HOW HARD WE TRIED,
JACK AND I COULD NOT GET IT ON.
THEN WE STARTED LAUGHING
AND JANET WALKED IN,
AND SHE FOUND THE
TWO OF US IN BED.
- HOLD IT, HOLD IT.
- OH, STANLEY.
- WHERE'S JACK NOW?
- HE'S IN THERE WITH JANET.
HE'S TRYING TO
GET IT ON WITH HER.
JACK IS SO CLUMSY
ABOUT THOSE THINGS.
AND SO IS STANLEY.
WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE!
I WANT THOSE TWO OUT OF
THAT BEDROOM RIGHT NOW.
WHY? YOU WANT THEM TO DRAG
THE BED OUT ON THE FRONT PORCH
AND MAKE IT THERE?
WHAT?!
- HI, MR. ROPER,
HI, MRS. ROPER.
- Mrs. Roper: OH, HI.
DON'T EVER ASK ME
TO TRY THAT AGAIN.
I KNEW JACK WOULDN'T CHANGE.
YOU CAN'T TINKER
WITH A TINKERBELL.
YOU GOT IT ALL
WRONG, STANLEY, BUT...
NO, NEVER MIND.
I'LL EXPLAIN IT LATER.
MR. ROPER, DID YOU COME UP
HERE FOR SOMETHING SPECIAL?
OH, YEAH. I'M FIXING
THE GARAGE DOOR.
I NEED SOMEBODY WITH
MUSCLES TO HELP ME.
- OH, OKAY. I'LL GET JACK.
- NOT JACK.
I CAME UP TO GET HELEN.
AFTER 15 UNSUCCESSFUL TRIES,
I'VE FINALLY COME UP WITH
A GUARANTEED WINNER.
PRESENTING THE ULTIMATE PASTRY,
A NEW HIGH IN CHOCOLATIVITY,
- (Janet laughs)
- THE TRIPPER MOUSSE
PIE MARK 16!
YES, SIR.
OH, JACK, YOU KNOW,
THIS IS REALLY EXCITING.
OH, YEAH, JANET. THIS IS REALLY
AN IMPORTANT DAY FOR ME.
MY WHOLE FUTURE
COULD DEPEND ON THAT PIE.
LISTEN, I GOT A COUPLE OF
HOURS BEFORE THE CONTEST,
- SO I BETTER CHANGE
CHANGE AND SHOWER NOW.
- ANYTHING I CAN DO TO HELP?
YEAH. TAKE YOUR CHOICE. DO YOU
WANNA CHANGE ME OR SHOWER ME?
OH, I'M NOT GONNA
DO ANYTHING TO YOU.
- DO WE HAVE ANY TISSUES?
- YEAH, THERE'S A NEW BOX
IN THE KITCHEN.
- OH, THANKS.
- HEY, JANET? WHAT DO YOU
THINK I SHOULD WEAR?
- GOSH, JACK, I DON'T KNOW.
- SEE, I WANNA LOOK HUMBLE,
BUT NOT TOO HUMBLE. I WANNA
LOOK PROUD, BUT NOT TOO PROUD.
I WANNA LOOK LIKE A WINNER!
THEN WEAR A BLUE RIBBON.
"WEAR A BLUE RIBBON."
YOU TICKLE ME, JANET.
YEAH?
- NOW I'M GONNA
TICKLE YOU.
- NO! JACK!
HEY, CHRISSY, DID YOU
FIND THE TISSUE... (gasps)
BOY, THIS IS THE BEST
PIE JACK EVER MADE.
(sighs) OH, I FEEL AWFUL.
I FEEL TERRIBLE.
BUT HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?
JACK'S MADE SO MANY PIES THIS WEEK.
I DIDN'T KNOW THIS WAS THE ONE.
YEAH. WELL...
IT WAS A MISTAKE, CHRISSY.
ANYBODY COULD MAKE A MISTAKE.
YEAH, BUT THIS WAS STUPID!
IT'S NOT LIKE ME TO
DO STUPID THINGS.
- WELL, HONEY...
- OH, JANET.
NO, CHRISSY, LISTEN,
WHAT'S DONE IS DONE.
- BUT JACK'S GONNA KILL ME.
- YOU'RE EXAGGERATING.
- TELL ME THE TRUTH.
- HE'S GONNA KILL YOU.
IF ONLY I COULD THINK OF
SOME WAY TO MAKE IT UP TO HIM.
- WELL...
- I MEAN BESIDES THAT.
NOTHING.
UNLESS WE COULD
GET A SUBSTITUTE.
OH, GOOD IDEA. I'LL MOVE OUT
AND YOU GET A SUBSTITUTE.
NO, CHRISSY, NOT FOR YOU.
NOT FOR YOU, HONEY, FOR THE PIE.
WE BUY ANOTHER PIE.
- WE DO?
- YEAH.
JACK TOLD ME THIS MORNING THERE WAS ONE
JUST LIKE THIS AT THE HOFFMEIER'S BAKERY.
JANET, THAT'S DISHONEST.
I COULDN'T DO THAT.
SURE. WHEN JACK COMES
OUT OF THE SHOWER,
YOU JUST GO IN AND TELL
HIM YOU ATE HIS PRIZE PIE.
- LET'S GO TO HOFFMEIER'S.
- YEAH.
- (both scream)
- HI, GIRLS.
HI, JACK. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- I'M GOING TO THE KITCHEN.
- (Janet chuckles)
NO! WHAT FOR?
I WANNA GET MY PIE OUT OF THE
FRIDGE. I DON'T WANT IT TO BE FROZEN.
NO, JACK. UH...
WHY DON'T YOU LET CHRISSY
AND I DO THAT FOR YOU?
YEAH. YOU HAVE SO MANY THINGS TO
DO, GETTING READY FOR THE CONTEST.
RIGHT. I MEAN, JUST TAKE
A LOOK AT YOU. (chuckling)
YOU'RE NOT GONNA GO TO THE
CONTEST LIKE THAT, ARE YOU?
OF COURSE NOT, I'M
GONNA PUT ON MY SHOES.
(all laughing)
YOU'RE GONNA PUT ON
SHOES. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
THAT'S SO FUNNY.
- JACK, I THINK YOU
SHOULD GET DRESSED.
- OKAY.
THAT REALLY BREAKS ME UP.
YOU'RE GONNA WEAR SHOES.
WE'VE A COUPLE OF MINUTES. IT'LL
TAKE HIM A WHILE TO GET DRESSED.
- HOW DO WE GET THE PIE?
- I DON'T KNOW,
'CAUSE WE HAVE TO STAY AND
KEEP HIM OUT OF THE KITCHEN.
WE CAN GET MRS. ROPER
TO GO GET IT FOR US.
CHRISSY, YOU JUST
HAD A SMART IDEA!
OH, THANK YOU.
- GOSH, I GUESS THERE'S
A FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING.
- YEAH...
WHAT'S KEEPING MRS. ROPER?
CAN YOU RELAX, PLEASE? IT'S ONLY
BEEN 10 MINUTES SINCE WE CALLED HER.
CHRISSY, CHRISSY, CHRISSY!
- OKAY.
- NOW, LISTEN TO ME.
EVERYTHING IS JUST
GONNA BE PERFECTLY FINE,
- AS LONG AS JACK STAYS
IN HIS BEDROOM.
- YEAH.
- HI, GIRLS.
- (both scream)
WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU
TWO TODAY? YOU'RE BOTH SO JUMPY.
- WHO? US?
- WE'RE OKAY.
- (Jack chuckles)
- (the girls scream)
STOP IT!
- WHERE ARE YOU GOING, JACK?
- I'M GONNA GET MY PIE.
- NO, YOU CAN'T
GET YOUR PIE.
- WHY NOT?
BECAUSE... BE... BECAUSE...
BECAUSE... (chuckles)
YOU'RE NOT PLANNING ON GOING TO THE
BAKE-OFF DRESSED LIKE THAT, ARE YOU?
- LIKE WHAT?
- WELL, THAT TIE,
OF COURSE.
- WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT?
- (laughs)
- HE DOESN'T KNOW.
- (girls laughs)
JACK,
OF COURSE EVERYONE KNOWS
THAT POLKA DOTS ARE BAD LUCK.
YEAH.
OH, COME ON, THAT'S
SUPERSTITIOUS NONSENSE.
I DON'T... I DON'T NEED TO DEPEND
ON LUCK TO WIN ANY CONTEST.
YOU REALLY THINK POLKA
DOTS ARE BAD LUCK?
WHY TAKE ANY CHANCES,
JACK? YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
YEAH, YOU MIGHT BE RIGHT.
WHY TAKE ANY CHANCES?
THAT'S RIGHT. YOU GET IN
THERE. YOU CHANGE THAT TIE.
- (groans)
- OH, MRS. ROPER,
WHERE ARE YOU?
- (doorbell rings)
- Both: I'LL GET IT!
- (gasps)
- MRS. ROPER, WE ARE
SO GLAD TO SEE YOU.
- JANET, WHICH TIE
DO YOU LIKE BEST?
- HMM?
- (door slams)
- Janet: UH...
- THIS ONE, DEFINITELY.
- WHO'S AT THE DOOR,
CHRISSY?
WRONG NUMBER.
- YOU BETTER GO
GET THAT TIE ON.
- WHICH? THIS?
YEAH, THE BROWN ONE. DEFINITELY,
THE BROWN ONE LOOKS SO GOOD ON YOU.
THAT'S A REAL GOOD
COLOR FOR YOU, JACK.
MRS. ROPER, WE'RE
SO GLAD TO SEE YOU.
YOU COULD'VE FOOLED ME.
LET'S GET A LOOK
AT THAT PIE, OKAY?
YEAH, WHAT DO YOU SEE?
ISN'T THAT PERFECT? (laughs)
- OH, CHRISSY,
TAKE IT INTO THE KITCHEN.
- RIGHT.
- CHRISSY.
- WHAT?
- GET RID
OF THE OTHER PIE.
- RIGHT.
STANLEY IS DRIVING US TO THE BAKE-OFF.
I BETTER GET HIM TO WARM UP THE CAR.
- THAT CAR IS HARD TO START.
- EVERYTHING STANLEY'S GOT
IS HARD TO START.
WELL, HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?
UH... WHAT, JACK?
HOW DO I LIKE WHAT?
- NEVER MIND. I'M GONNA GET MY PIE.
- NO, JACK!
(screams)
UH... DON'T GO IN
THE KITCHEN, JACK.
WAIT A MINUTE, JANET.
I DON'T WANNA BE LATE.
OH, JACK, YOU SEE,
IT... IT'S YOUR TIE.
- WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT?
- OH, THAT... OOPS, SEE,
LOOK AT THAT.
- COME ON, JANET, HURRY UP.
- IT'S NOT STRAIGHT
YET, JACK.
- CAN'T WE STRAIGHTEN IT
ON THE WAY?
- HEY!
WANT THIS TIE TO
BE STRAIGHT OR NOT?
ALL RIGHT, JANET,
ENOUGH'S ENOUGH!
- I'M GONNA GET MY PIE.
- NO, JACK, JACK!
- WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
- OH, JACK, I JUST WANT YOU
TO LOOK REALLY GOOD.
(Jack laughing)
WHAT'S WITH YOU, CHRISSY? YOU LOOK LIKE
THE CAT THAT JUST SWALLOWED THE CANARY.
CHRISSY, YOU DIDN'T?!
JANET, I FEEL SICK.
- I WOULD TOO
IF I ATE A WHOLE PIE.
- THIS ISN'T WHAT I MEAN.
I MEAN, WHAT I'VE DONE IS WRONG.
- IT'S DISHONEST.
- OH, CHRISSY,
WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHAT
MORE I COULD'VE DONE, JACK.
I'VE WORKED HARD, I'VE PLANNED,
I'VE ORGANIZED, I PRAYED.
- I MADE
THE BEST PIE I COULD.
- THAT MIGHT HELP TOO.
OH, LOOK AT THAT
GORGEOUS TROPHY.
I'D LOVE TO GET
MY HANDS ON THAT.
- JACK?
- I'D LOVE TO GET
MY HANDS ON THAT.
MR. TRAVERS, I'D LIKE YOU TO
MEET ONE OF MY ROOMMATES,
- THIS IS CHRISSY SNOW.
- OH, WELL... I MEAN...
- IT'S A PLEASURE
TO FINALLY MEET YOU.
- (Chrissy sighs)
- CHRISSY.
- THIS IS MY OTHER ROOMMATE,
JANET WOOD... MR. TRAVERS.
- HOW DO YOU DO, SIR?
- OH, YOU TWO MUST BE
PRETTY PROUD OF JACK.
- NOT EASY TO GET A PIE IN HERE.
- YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN.
IN JUST A FEW MINUTES JACK'S
PIE IS GONNA WIN ME MY TROPHY.
WELL... WHAT IF IT DOESN'T?
WELL, I'D HATE TO SEE JACK LOOKING
FOR A NEW SCHOOL NEXT YEAR.
(all laughs)
- YOU OKAY, JACK?
- PEACHY, JUST PEACHY.
- JACK...
- CHRISSY, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
- YOU'RE ACTING LIKE THAT
WAS YOUR PIE.
- SO ARE YOU.
OH, HI. GOSH, WHAT TOOK YOU
GUYS SO LONG TO GET IN HERE?
STANLEY WAS TOO CHINTZY
TO PAY FOR A PARKING LOT.
WE HAD TO WALK FOUR BLOCKS...
AND PARK IN AN ALLEY.
I DON'T TRUST THE
GUYS IN THOSE LOTS.
LAST TIME I PULLED INTO A PARKING
LOT THE PAINT GOT CHIPPED OFF MY CAR.
THAT WAS YOUR FAULT, FOR
TRYING TO DRIVE UNDER THE CHAIN.
STANLEY, LET'S LOOK AROUND.
UH-OH, THEY'RE ABOUT
TO START THE JUDGING.
- (Chrissy groans)
- BOY... I DON'T KNOW HOW
ANYBODY CAN TELL ANYTHING,
- ALL THOSE PIES
LOOK ALIKE TO ME.
- OH, NO, JANET,
ANY GREAT CHEF CAN TELL
HIS OWN FOOD INSTANTLY,
- JUST BY TASTING IT.
- NO KIDDING.
- HEY. HEY, LOOK,
THAT'S MR. HOFFMEIER.
- WHERE?
- HOFFMEIER, THE BAKER.
- THAT'S RIGHT, HE'S
ONE OF THE JUDGES.
- (whimpers)
- (groans)
IT'S A PLEASURE HAVING YOU
AS A JUDGE, MR. HOFFMEIER.
THAT'S UNDERSTANDABLE.
WE TURNED OUT SOME GREAT
CHEFS FROM OUR SCHOOL.
CHEFS?! COOKIE CUTTERS.
CHRISSY, WILL YOU STOP
ACTING SO NERVOUS?
I CAN'T HELP IT.
I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU.
WHAT IS IT?
JACK, THAT ISN'T
YOUR PIE, UP THERE.
HA-HA-HA. DON'T BE SILLY,
OF COURSE IT'S MY PIE.
IT ISN'T, IT ISN'T. MRS. ROPER BOUGHT
THAT PIE AT MR. HOFFMEIER'S BAKERY.
SHE WHAT?
IT'S ALL MY FAULT. I ATE
YOUR PIE BY MISTAKE.
- YOU WHAT?!
- I'M SORRY, IT WASN'T
MY FAULT.
OH, CHRISSY, I'M RUINED.
WHAT AM I GONNA DO...?
(cries loudly)
IT'S ALL RIGHT. DON'T CRY
DON'T CRY, CHRISSY. IT'S OKAY.
- HOW COULD YOU MAKE
SUCH A STUPID MISTAKE?
- (cries loudly)
- SHH...
- I'M SORRY.
(laughs) YOU'RE HAVING A LITTLE
TROUBLE WITH YOUR HAREM?
I HAVE A PROBLEM HERE,
MR. TRAVERS... (chuckles)
- SHE ATE MY PIE.
- NO, SHE DIDN'T.
- THERE'S YOUR PIE,
SAFE ON THAT TABLE.
- NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
I JUST FOUND OUT
THAT IS NOT MY PIE.
JOKING, HA-HA-HA, ALWAYS JOKING.
NO. I WISH I WERE
JOKING. IT'S TRUE.
I'M... I'M GONNA HAVE TO
WITHDRAW FROM THE CONTEST.
- YOU'RE NOT JOKING?
- NO. MR. TRAVERS,
IT WOULDN'T BE RIGHT FOR ME
TO WIN WITH SOMEBODY ELSE'S PIE.
JACK, YOU DON'T KNOW HOW
GOOD IT IS TO HEAR YOU SAY THAT.
AS AN EDUCATOR,
IT'S PLEASING TO KNOW
THAT YOU'VE LEARNED
SOMETHING ABOUT INTEGRITY.
YEAH, THANK YOU.
I'LL GET MY PIE.
YOU DO IT, AND I'LL
BREAK YOUR ARM.
MR. TRAVERS, IT'S IMMORAL.
I'M GONNA GET MY PIE.
- NOW WAIT A MINUTE! JACK!
- NO, I'VE MADE UP
MY MIND.
- MR. HOFFMEIER... I'M WITHDRAWING MY PIE.
- DON'T LISTEN TO HIM.
- NO, YOU'RE NOT.
- YES, I AM.
- NO, YOU'RE NOT!
- (all scream)
GET AWAY FROM ME.
GET AWAY FROM ME!
- YOU DUMMKOPF!
- IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
- ACCIDENT? I'LL SHOW YOU AN ACCIDENT.
- I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT.
(all gasp)
(laughing) OH, STANLEY,
YOU LOOK RIDICULOUS.
Janet: OH, THIS IS AWFUL.
- Janet: MRS. ROP...
- (all scream)
- OH, MRS. ROPER.
- Mrs. Roper: OH, JANET.
(laughing)
- NO, NO, NO! WAIT A MINUTE.
- WHAT?!
(Mrs. Roper laughing)
STOP IT! STOP IT THIS INSTANT.
I THINK THIS IS
DISGRACEFUL! DISGRACEFUL!
I CAME HERE TONIGHT TO
WIN THIS TROPHY AND I WANT IT.
DO YOU HEAR ME? I WANT IT!
IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT, HELEN.
I LET YOU TALK ME INTO
WEAR MY BEST SUIT?!
I LET YOU TALK ME INTO DRIVING
JACK AND HIS CHOCOLATE MOUSSE...
TO THIS STUPID PLACE?!
THAT'S THE TROUBLE WITH ME? I
LET YOU TALK ME INTO EVERYTHING!
NOT EVERYTHING, STANLEY.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
BESIDES, I'M IN NO MOOD TO FOOL AROUND.
THAT'S WHAT I MEAN.
ONE MORE CRACK...
ONE MORE CRACK,
HELEN... AND SO HELP ME.
YOU WOULDN'T DARE?
- OH, NO?
- NO.
NO, NO, NO, MR. AND
MRS. ROPER, NOT YOU TWO.
PLEASE DON'T FIGHT. LOOK,
WHAT HAPPENED TONIGHT
WAS JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS.
IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT, MRS. ROPER.
AND IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT.
IF IT WAS ANYBODY'S
FAULT, IT WAS MY FAULT.
(laughing)
(theme music playing)
Ritter's voice: THREE'S
COMPANY WAS VIDEOTAPED
IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.
♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪
♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪
♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪
♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪
♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE
HERS AND HERS AND HIS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪
♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
♪ WE'VE A LOVABLE SPACE
THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ YOU'LL SEE THAT
LIFE IS A BALL AGAIN ♪
♪ LAUGHTER IS CALLING FOR YOU ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO. ♪
SEND HIM IN.
GOOD MORNING. YOU WANTED
TO SEE ME, MR. TRAVERS?
SIT DOWN, JACK.
WE HAVE SOMETHING VERY
IMPORTANT TO TALK ABOUT.
MR. TRAVERS, IF THIS IS ABOUT
SALLY WOODROW, IT WAS A BIG MISTAKE.
- JACK...
- NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
HER LOCKER IS RIGHT NEXT TO MINE AND
WHEN SHE DROPPED HER POTS AND PANS,
WE BENT DOWN TO PICK THEM UP. I
THOUGHT I WAS GRABBING HER DOUBLE BOILER.
JACK, I'M NOT INTERESTED
IN HER DOUBLE BOILER.
YOU'RE NOT? THEN WHY
DID YOU CALL ME IN HERE?
I DIDN'T CALL YOU IN
HERE, JACK. DESTINY DID.
- OH.
- JACK,
WHY DO YOU THINK I BECAME
DEAN OF THIS SCHOOL?
BECAUSE OF THE MONEY?
NO, NOT BECAUSE OF THE MONEY.
- BECAUSE IT'S EASY?
- NO, IT'S NOT EASY!
- BECAUSE I'M A NICE GUY?
- NO, YOU'RE NOT A NICE GUY.
NO, NO, NO. I MEAN,
YOU ARE A NICE GUY,
BUT THAT'S NOT WHY YOU UH...
WHAT WAS THE QUESTION?
COME OVER HERE, JACK,
AND I'LL SHOW YOU WHY.
YOU'RE LOOKING AT
MY PRIDE AND JOY...
FIRST PLACE IN THE CALIFORNIA
TECH SCHOOL BAKE-OFF,
- NINE YEARS IN A ROW.
- HEY, THAT'S REALLY GOOD.
THREE YEARS AGO, THIS
WAS OUR BAKED ALASKA.
THE YEAR BEFORE THAT, THIS
WAS OUR STRAWBERRY TART.
AREN'T THEY A
LITTLE STALE BY NOW?
- SORRY.
- AND THIS YEAR, JACK,
YOU'RE OUR CHOCOLATE MOUSSE.
- EXCUSE ME... WHAT?
- YOU ARE GONNA REPRESENT
OUR SCHOOL IN THE BAKE-OFF.
ME?!
WELL, I'M... I'M TERRIBLY FLATTERED,
MR. TRAVERS, BUT WHY ME?
BECAUSE YOUR PASTRY TEACHER SAYS
YOU ARE OUR MOST PROMISING CHEF.
- (gasps)
- THIS IS THE ROSE BOWL
OF BAKING, JACK.
AND I NEED THE O.J.
SIMPSON OF CRUSTS.
WOW, I'M TRULY
HONORED, MR. TRAVERS.
OF COURSE YOU ARE. (chuckles)
- IT'S NOT
GONNA BE EASY, JACK.
- OH, I KNOW THAT.
I MEAN, IT'S GONNA
BE A LOT OF TASTING,
TESTING, PERFECTING,
NO DISTRACTION, JACK!
THE NEXT FEW WEEKS,
YOU'LL BE EATING, SLEEPING,
AND DRINKING MOUSSE PIE.
THAT'S CERTAINLY NOT GONNA
BE A PIECE OF CAKE, IS IT?
PIE... I'M SORRY.
MY ROOMMATES ARE GONNA
UNDERSTAND. DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT.
(chuckles) OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
I MEAN, THE LAST TIME WE
TALKED, YOU WERE LIVING...
- WITH A NUMBER OF GIRLS.
- NO, TWO... ONLY TWO.
"ONLY TWO."
WELL, THIS IS GONNA TAKE
A LOT OF YOUR TIME, JACK.
I MEAN, DON'T YOU THINK YOU
OUGHT TO CHANGE THE WAY YOU LIVE?
NO, NO, THE WAY I LIVE IS A
DEFINITE PLUS, MR. TRAVERS.
- I'M COOKING ALL THE TIME.
- REALLY?
WELL, THAT'S ABOUT IT, JACK,
BUT BEFORE YOU GO LET
ME GIVE YOU SOME ADVICE.
- YEAH.
- DON'T GET UPTIGHT.
- DON'T GET PANICKY.
- NO.
- AND DON'T GET NERVOUS.
- I WON'T.
- AND MOST IMPORTANT... DON'T LOSE.
- YES SIR.
(singing fanfare)
- HI, JACK.
- "HI, JACK"? CHRISSY,
THIS ISN'T A "HI, JACK" DAY.
- THIS IS A "WOW, JACK" DAY.
- WHY? WHAT HAPPENED?
ONLY THE BEST THING THAT'S
EVER HAPPENED TO ME IN MY LIFE.
YOU MADE OUT WITH THAT
BLONDE IN YOUR PASTRY CLASS?
SECOND BEST THING
THAT'S EVER HAPPENED
TO ME IN MY LIFE.
- JACK, DON'T KEEP US
IN SUSPENSE. TELL US.
- ALL RIGHT.
THE TECH SCHOOLS OF CALIFORNIA
ARE HOLDING THEIR ANNUAL
BAKE-OFF COMPETITION...
(gasps) JACK, THAT'S SO
TERRIFIC, THAT'S FANTASTIC,
THAT'S SO EXCITING! (gasping)
CHRISSY, WAIT A MINUTE.
HE DIDN'T TELL US THE
GOOD NEWS YET, OKAY?
- COME ON, JACK, TELL US.
- ONLY IF SHE'LL PROMISE
TO DO THAT AGAIN.
OKAY, SHE PROMISES. NOW TELL IT.
I JUST TALKED TO MY DEAN. HE
WANTS MY CHOCOLATE MOUSSE PIE
- TO REPRESENT OUR SCHOOL!
- NO KIDDING.
- OH, JACK...
- THE BAKE-OFF.
- I'M SO PROUD OF YOU.
- YEAH, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
- Janet: THAT'S GREAT.
- ALL RIGHT, GIRLS. SIT DOWN.
- I WANNA TALK TO YOU.
- Chrissy and Janet: OKAY.
- (girls scream)
- STOP...
ALL RIGHT. NOW, LISTEN, GIRLS,
I'M GONNA BE TRYING OUT
A LOT OF DIFFERENT
KINDS OF RECIPES, OKAY?
- SO I'M GONNA
BE VERY, VERY BUSY.
- WE UNDERSTAND.
YEAH, BUT THAT MEANS THINGS ARE
GONNA HAVE TO CHANGE AROUND HERE.
- OKAY. LIKE WHAT?
- WELL, FOR OPENERS,
YOU GIRLS GOTTA STOP HUGGING
AND KISSING ME THIS WEEK.
I'VE GOT NO TIME FOR THAT.
- "HUGGING AND KISSING"?
- YEAH, I KNOW IT'S NOT
GONNA BE EASY.
AND I DON'T WANT YOU SNEAKING
INTO MY ROOM LATE AT
NIGHT FOR A LITTLE FUN.
- HUH?
- OH, I CAN SEE
YOU'RE UPSET,
- YOU CRAZY KIDS.
- (Janet chuckles)
I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE
DISAPPOINTMENT, SO I'LL TELL YOU WHAT,
LET'S GET THIS WEEK'S HUGGING
AND KISSING OVER WITH RIGHT NOW.
- OH, JACK...
- JACK, I HAVE A HEADACHE!
- Chrissy: JACK?
- NOT NOW, CHRISSY.
- WHATEVER IT IS, ASK JANET.
- SHE'S NOT HOME.
CHRISSY, I DON'T HAVE
TIME FOR QUESTIONS.
I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR ANYTHING.
OKAY, JACK. I JUST NEEDED
YOU IN THE BEDROOM, THAT'S ALL.
WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY
IT WAS IMPORTANT?
- I DIDN'T WANT TO DISTURB YOU.
- CHRISSY, THE DAY YOU STOP
DISTURBING ME
IS THE DAY I RUN
AND SEE MY DOCTOR.
CAN YOU HELP ME MAKE THE BED?
YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO
TO ALL THAT TROUBLE.
JACK, WILL YOU CUT IT OUT?
- JUST GRAB AN END.
- I WAS TRYING TO.
- OF THE SHEETS.
- OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.
- I CAN'T GET
THE CORNERS ON.
- ALL RIGHT.
- OKAY, JUST PULL.
- CHRISSY, COME ON.
- GIVE ME SOME SLACK.
- THEY DON'T FIT.
OKAY, CHRISSY.
HERE, I'VE GOT AN IDEA.
- ALL RIGHT, LOOK,
I'LL BEND THIS UP...
- YEAH.
OKAY? NOW, YOU HOLD THIS, WHILE
I PUT THE END OVER THIS CORNER.
NOW GET THE SHEET.
HERE'S THE SHEET.
THAT WAS GOOD, CHRISSY.
- WHAT'S GOING ON?
- WELL, JACK WAS JUST
GIVING ME A HAND.
DON'T YOU EVER STOP?
WE'RE HAVING A LITTLE
PROBLEM MAKING THE BED.
YOU WOULDN'T IF
YOU GOT OFF IT FIRST.
HERE, CHRISSY, YOU TAKE
THE RENT DOWN TO THE ROPERS,
- I'LL TAKE
CARE OF THE BED.
- OH, GOOD DEAL.
- YEAH.
- OKAY, THIS IS GONNA BE
A LITTLE PROBLEM.
- PARDON ME?
- FIRST THINGS FIRST.
I WILL HOLD THIS END, THEN
WE'LL GET THE MATTRESS...
HOW DID YOU DO THAT?!
- Both: OH.
- HI, MRS. ROPER.
OH, CHRISSY, HEY, LISTEN,
DO YOU HAVE ANY ASPIRIN?
I THINK I'M COMING
DOWN WITH A COLD.
THAT'S FUNNY, I WAS JUST COMING
DOWN WITH THE RENT. (snorts, laughs)
- HERE'S THE RENT.
- OH, THANKS.
I THINK I HAVE SOME
ASPIRIN IN MY PURSE.
YOU KNOW, THIS MORNING I
WOKE UP WITH A HEADACHE.
- YOU DID? SO DID I.
- MINE WAS POUNDING.
MINE WAS SNORING.
(both laugh)
HEY, YOU. YOU'RE IN
A GOOD MOOD TODAY.
I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT
JACK. IT WAS SO FUNNY.
YEAH? WHAT? TELL ME,
TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED.
YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN US. I ASKED
JACK TO HELP ME MAKE THE BED,
AND WE COULDN'T GET THE
SHEETS ON THE MATTRESS.
I'D PULL MY CORNER
AND HIS WOULD FALL OFF.
- THEN HE'D PULL HIS CORNER,
MINE WOULD FALL OFF.
- (laughs)
WE MADE A COMPLETE
SHAMBLES OF THE BEDROOM.
Mrs. Roper: OH, THAT
MUST'VE BEEN FUN.
NO MATTER HOW HARD WE TRIED,
JACK AND I COULD NOT GET IT ON.
THEN WE STARTED LAUGHING
AND JANET WALKED IN,
AND SHE FOUND THE
TWO OF US IN BED.
- HOLD IT, HOLD IT.
- OH, STANLEY.
- WHERE'S JACK NOW?
- HE'S IN THERE WITH JANET.
HE'S TRYING TO
GET IT ON WITH HER.
JACK IS SO CLUMSY
ABOUT THOSE THINGS.
AND SO IS STANLEY.
WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE!
I WANT THOSE TWO OUT OF
THAT BEDROOM RIGHT NOW.
WHY? YOU WANT THEM TO DRAG
THE BED OUT ON THE FRONT PORCH
AND MAKE IT THERE?
WHAT?!
- HI, MR. ROPER,
HI, MRS. ROPER.
- Mrs. Roper: OH, HI.
DON'T EVER ASK ME
TO TRY THAT AGAIN.
I KNEW JACK WOULDN'T CHANGE.
YOU CAN'T TINKER
WITH A TINKERBELL.
YOU GOT IT ALL
WRONG, STANLEY, BUT...
NO, NEVER MIND.
I'LL EXPLAIN IT LATER.
MR. ROPER, DID YOU COME UP
HERE FOR SOMETHING SPECIAL?
OH, YEAH. I'M FIXING
THE GARAGE DOOR.
I NEED SOMEBODY WITH
MUSCLES TO HELP ME.
- OH, OKAY. I'LL GET JACK.
- NOT JACK.
I CAME UP TO GET HELEN.
AFTER 15 UNSUCCESSFUL TRIES,
I'VE FINALLY COME UP WITH
A GUARANTEED WINNER.
PRESENTING THE ULTIMATE PASTRY,
A NEW HIGH IN CHOCOLATIVITY,
- (Janet laughs)
- THE TRIPPER MOUSSE
PIE MARK 16!
YES, SIR.
OH, JACK, YOU KNOW,
THIS IS REALLY EXCITING.
OH, YEAH, JANET. THIS IS REALLY
AN IMPORTANT DAY FOR ME.
MY WHOLE FUTURE
COULD DEPEND ON THAT PIE.
LISTEN, I GOT A COUPLE OF
HOURS BEFORE THE CONTEST,
- SO I BETTER CHANGE
CHANGE AND SHOWER NOW.
- ANYTHING I CAN DO TO HELP?
YEAH. TAKE YOUR CHOICE. DO YOU
WANNA CHANGE ME OR SHOWER ME?
OH, I'M NOT GONNA
DO ANYTHING TO YOU.
- DO WE HAVE ANY TISSUES?
- YEAH, THERE'S A NEW BOX
IN THE KITCHEN.
- OH, THANKS.
- HEY, JANET? WHAT DO YOU
THINK I SHOULD WEAR?
- GOSH, JACK, I DON'T KNOW.
- SEE, I WANNA LOOK HUMBLE,
BUT NOT TOO HUMBLE. I WANNA
LOOK PROUD, BUT NOT TOO PROUD.
I WANNA LOOK LIKE A WINNER!
THEN WEAR A BLUE RIBBON.
"WEAR A BLUE RIBBON."
YOU TICKLE ME, JANET.
YEAH?
- NOW I'M GONNA
TICKLE YOU.
- NO! JACK!
HEY, CHRISSY, DID YOU
FIND THE TISSUE... (gasps)
BOY, THIS IS THE BEST
PIE JACK EVER MADE.
(sighs) OH, I FEEL AWFUL.
I FEEL TERRIBLE.
BUT HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?
JACK'S MADE SO MANY PIES THIS WEEK.
I DIDN'T KNOW THIS WAS THE ONE.
YEAH. WELL...
IT WAS A MISTAKE, CHRISSY.
ANYBODY COULD MAKE A MISTAKE.
YEAH, BUT THIS WAS STUPID!
IT'S NOT LIKE ME TO
DO STUPID THINGS.
- WELL, HONEY...
- OH, JANET.
NO, CHRISSY, LISTEN,
WHAT'S DONE IS DONE.
- BUT JACK'S GONNA KILL ME.
- YOU'RE EXAGGERATING.
- TELL ME THE TRUTH.
- HE'S GONNA KILL YOU.
IF ONLY I COULD THINK OF
SOME WAY TO MAKE IT UP TO HIM.
- WELL...
- I MEAN BESIDES THAT.
NOTHING.
UNLESS WE COULD
GET A SUBSTITUTE.
OH, GOOD IDEA. I'LL MOVE OUT
AND YOU GET A SUBSTITUTE.
NO, CHRISSY, NOT FOR YOU.
NOT FOR YOU, HONEY, FOR THE PIE.
WE BUY ANOTHER PIE.
- WE DO?
- YEAH.
JACK TOLD ME THIS MORNING THERE WAS ONE
JUST LIKE THIS AT THE HOFFMEIER'S BAKERY.
JANET, THAT'S DISHONEST.
I COULDN'T DO THAT.
SURE. WHEN JACK COMES
OUT OF THE SHOWER,
YOU JUST GO IN AND TELL
HIM YOU ATE HIS PRIZE PIE.
- LET'S GO TO HOFFMEIER'S.
- YEAH.
- (both scream)
- HI, GIRLS.
HI, JACK. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- I'M GOING TO THE KITCHEN.
- (Janet chuckles)
NO! WHAT FOR?
I WANNA GET MY PIE OUT OF THE
FRIDGE. I DON'T WANT IT TO BE FROZEN.
NO, JACK. UH...
WHY DON'T YOU LET CHRISSY
AND I DO THAT FOR YOU?
YEAH. YOU HAVE SO MANY THINGS TO
DO, GETTING READY FOR THE CONTEST.
RIGHT. I MEAN, JUST TAKE
A LOOK AT YOU. (chuckling)
YOU'RE NOT GONNA GO TO THE
CONTEST LIKE THAT, ARE YOU?
OF COURSE NOT, I'M
GONNA PUT ON MY SHOES.
(all laughing)
YOU'RE GONNA PUT ON
SHOES. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
THAT'S SO FUNNY.
- JACK, I THINK YOU
SHOULD GET DRESSED.
- OKAY.
THAT REALLY BREAKS ME UP.
YOU'RE GONNA WEAR SHOES.
WE'VE A COUPLE OF MINUTES. IT'LL
TAKE HIM A WHILE TO GET DRESSED.
- HOW DO WE GET THE PIE?
- I DON'T KNOW,
'CAUSE WE HAVE TO STAY AND
KEEP HIM OUT OF THE KITCHEN.
WE CAN GET MRS. ROPER
TO GO GET IT FOR US.
CHRISSY, YOU JUST
HAD A SMART IDEA!
OH, THANK YOU.
- GOSH, I GUESS THERE'S
A FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING.
- YEAH...
WHAT'S KEEPING MRS. ROPER?
CAN YOU RELAX, PLEASE? IT'S ONLY
BEEN 10 MINUTES SINCE WE CALLED HER.
CHRISSY, CHRISSY, CHRISSY!
- OKAY.
- NOW, LISTEN TO ME.
EVERYTHING IS JUST
GONNA BE PERFECTLY FINE,
- AS LONG AS JACK STAYS
IN HIS BEDROOM.
- YEAH.
- HI, GIRLS.
- (both scream)
WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU
TWO TODAY? YOU'RE BOTH SO JUMPY.
- WHO? US?
- WE'RE OKAY.
- (Jack chuckles)
- (the girls scream)
STOP IT!
- WHERE ARE YOU GOING, JACK?
- I'M GONNA GET MY PIE.
- NO, YOU CAN'T
GET YOUR PIE.
- WHY NOT?
BECAUSE... BE... BECAUSE...
BECAUSE... (chuckles)
YOU'RE NOT PLANNING ON GOING TO THE
BAKE-OFF DRESSED LIKE THAT, ARE YOU?
- LIKE WHAT?
- WELL, THAT TIE,
OF COURSE.
- WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT?
- (laughs)
- HE DOESN'T KNOW.
- (girls laughs)
JACK,
OF COURSE EVERYONE KNOWS
THAT POLKA DOTS ARE BAD LUCK.
YEAH.
OH, COME ON, THAT'S
SUPERSTITIOUS NONSENSE.
I DON'T... I DON'T NEED TO DEPEND
ON LUCK TO WIN ANY CONTEST.
YOU REALLY THINK POLKA
DOTS ARE BAD LUCK?
WHY TAKE ANY CHANCES,
JACK? YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
YEAH, YOU MIGHT BE RIGHT.
WHY TAKE ANY CHANCES?
THAT'S RIGHT. YOU GET IN
THERE. YOU CHANGE THAT TIE.
- (groans)
- OH, MRS. ROPER,
WHERE ARE YOU?
- (doorbell rings)
- Both: I'LL GET IT!
- (gasps)
- MRS. ROPER, WE ARE
SO GLAD TO SEE YOU.
- JANET, WHICH TIE
DO YOU LIKE BEST?
- HMM?
- (door slams)
- Janet: UH...
- THIS ONE, DEFINITELY.
- WHO'S AT THE DOOR,
CHRISSY?
WRONG NUMBER.
- YOU BETTER GO
GET THAT TIE ON.
- WHICH? THIS?
YEAH, THE BROWN ONE. DEFINITELY,
THE BROWN ONE LOOKS SO GOOD ON YOU.
THAT'S A REAL GOOD
COLOR FOR YOU, JACK.
MRS. ROPER, WE'RE
SO GLAD TO SEE YOU.
YOU COULD'VE FOOLED ME.
LET'S GET A LOOK
AT THAT PIE, OKAY?
YEAH, WHAT DO YOU SEE?
ISN'T THAT PERFECT? (laughs)
- OH, CHRISSY,
TAKE IT INTO THE KITCHEN.
- RIGHT.
- CHRISSY.
- WHAT?
- GET RID
OF THE OTHER PIE.
- RIGHT.
STANLEY IS DRIVING US TO THE BAKE-OFF.
I BETTER GET HIM TO WARM UP THE CAR.
- THAT CAR IS HARD TO START.
- EVERYTHING STANLEY'S GOT
IS HARD TO START.
WELL, HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?
UH... WHAT, JACK?
HOW DO I LIKE WHAT?
- NEVER MIND. I'M GONNA GET MY PIE.
- NO, JACK!
(screams)
UH... DON'T GO IN
THE KITCHEN, JACK.
WAIT A MINUTE, JANET.
I DON'T WANNA BE LATE.
OH, JACK, YOU SEE,
IT... IT'S YOUR TIE.
- WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT?
- OH, THAT... OOPS, SEE,
LOOK AT THAT.
- COME ON, JANET, HURRY UP.
- IT'S NOT STRAIGHT
YET, JACK.
- CAN'T WE STRAIGHTEN IT
ON THE WAY?
- HEY!
WANT THIS TIE TO
BE STRAIGHT OR NOT?
ALL RIGHT, JANET,
ENOUGH'S ENOUGH!
- I'M GONNA GET MY PIE.
- NO, JACK, JACK!
- WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
- OH, JACK, I JUST WANT YOU
TO LOOK REALLY GOOD.
(Jack laughing)
WHAT'S WITH YOU, CHRISSY? YOU LOOK LIKE
THE CAT THAT JUST SWALLOWED THE CANARY.
CHRISSY, YOU DIDN'T?!
JANET, I FEEL SICK.
- I WOULD TOO
IF I ATE A WHOLE PIE.
- THIS ISN'T WHAT I MEAN.
I MEAN, WHAT I'VE DONE IS WRONG.
- IT'S DISHONEST.
- OH, CHRISSY,
WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHAT
MORE I COULD'VE DONE, JACK.
I'VE WORKED HARD, I'VE PLANNED,
I'VE ORGANIZED, I PRAYED.
- I MADE
THE BEST PIE I COULD.
- THAT MIGHT HELP TOO.
OH, LOOK AT THAT
GORGEOUS TROPHY.
I'D LOVE TO GET
MY HANDS ON THAT.
- JACK?
- I'D LOVE TO GET
MY HANDS ON THAT.
MR. TRAVERS, I'D LIKE YOU TO
MEET ONE OF MY ROOMMATES,
- THIS IS CHRISSY SNOW.
- OH, WELL... I MEAN...
- IT'S A PLEASURE
TO FINALLY MEET YOU.
- (Chrissy sighs)
- CHRISSY.
- THIS IS MY OTHER ROOMMATE,
JANET WOOD... MR. TRAVERS.
- HOW DO YOU DO, SIR?
- OH, YOU TWO MUST BE
PRETTY PROUD OF JACK.
- NOT EASY TO GET A PIE IN HERE.
- YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN.
IN JUST A FEW MINUTES JACK'S
PIE IS GONNA WIN ME MY TROPHY.
WELL... WHAT IF IT DOESN'T?
WELL, I'D HATE TO SEE JACK LOOKING
FOR A NEW SCHOOL NEXT YEAR.
(all laughs)
- YOU OKAY, JACK?
- PEACHY, JUST PEACHY.
- JACK...
- CHRISSY, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
- YOU'RE ACTING LIKE THAT
WAS YOUR PIE.
- SO ARE YOU.
OH, HI. GOSH, WHAT TOOK YOU
GUYS SO LONG TO GET IN HERE?
STANLEY WAS TOO CHINTZY
TO PAY FOR A PARKING LOT.
WE HAD TO WALK FOUR BLOCKS...
AND PARK IN AN ALLEY.
I DON'T TRUST THE
GUYS IN THOSE LOTS.
LAST TIME I PULLED INTO A PARKING
LOT THE PAINT GOT CHIPPED OFF MY CAR.
THAT WAS YOUR FAULT, FOR
TRYING TO DRIVE UNDER THE CHAIN.
STANLEY, LET'S LOOK AROUND.
UH-OH, THEY'RE ABOUT
TO START THE JUDGING.
- (Chrissy groans)
- BOY... I DON'T KNOW HOW
ANYBODY CAN TELL ANYTHING,
- ALL THOSE PIES
LOOK ALIKE TO ME.
- OH, NO, JANET,
ANY GREAT CHEF CAN TELL
HIS OWN FOOD INSTANTLY,
- JUST BY TASTING IT.
- NO KIDDING.
- HEY. HEY, LOOK,
THAT'S MR. HOFFMEIER.
- WHERE?
- HOFFMEIER, THE BAKER.
- THAT'S RIGHT, HE'S
ONE OF THE JUDGES.
- (whimpers)
- (groans)
IT'S A PLEASURE HAVING YOU
AS A JUDGE, MR. HOFFMEIER.
THAT'S UNDERSTANDABLE.
WE TURNED OUT SOME GREAT
CHEFS FROM OUR SCHOOL.
CHEFS?! COOKIE CUTTERS.
CHRISSY, WILL YOU STOP
ACTING SO NERVOUS?
I CAN'T HELP IT.
I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU.
WHAT IS IT?
JACK, THAT ISN'T
YOUR PIE, UP THERE.
HA-HA-HA. DON'T BE SILLY,
OF COURSE IT'S MY PIE.
IT ISN'T, IT ISN'T. MRS. ROPER BOUGHT
THAT PIE AT MR. HOFFMEIER'S BAKERY.
SHE WHAT?
IT'S ALL MY FAULT. I ATE
YOUR PIE BY MISTAKE.
- YOU WHAT?!
- I'M SORRY, IT WASN'T
MY FAULT.
OH, CHRISSY, I'M RUINED.
WHAT AM I GONNA DO...?
(cries loudly)
IT'S ALL RIGHT. DON'T CRY
DON'T CRY, CHRISSY. IT'S OKAY.
- HOW COULD YOU MAKE
SUCH A STUPID MISTAKE?
- (cries loudly)
- SHH...
- I'M SORRY.
(laughs) YOU'RE HAVING A LITTLE
TROUBLE WITH YOUR HAREM?
I HAVE A PROBLEM HERE,
MR. TRAVERS... (chuckles)
- SHE ATE MY PIE.
- NO, SHE DIDN'T.
- THERE'S YOUR PIE,
SAFE ON THAT TABLE.
- NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
I JUST FOUND OUT
THAT IS NOT MY PIE.
JOKING, HA-HA-HA, ALWAYS JOKING.
NO. I WISH I WERE
JOKING. IT'S TRUE.
I'M... I'M GONNA HAVE TO
WITHDRAW FROM THE CONTEST.
- YOU'RE NOT JOKING?
- NO. MR. TRAVERS,
IT WOULDN'T BE RIGHT FOR ME
TO WIN WITH SOMEBODY ELSE'S PIE.
JACK, YOU DON'T KNOW HOW
GOOD IT IS TO HEAR YOU SAY THAT.
AS AN EDUCATOR,
IT'S PLEASING TO KNOW
THAT YOU'VE LEARNED
SOMETHING ABOUT INTEGRITY.
YEAH, THANK YOU.
I'LL GET MY PIE.
YOU DO IT, AND I'LL
BREAK YOUR ARM.
MR. TRAVERS, IT'S IMMORAL.
I'M GONNA GET MY PIE.
- NOW WAIT A MINUTE! JACK!
- NO, I'VE MADE UP
MY MIND.
- MR. HOFFMEIER... I'M WITHDRAWING MY PIE.
- DON'T LISTEN TO HIM.
- NO, YOU'RE NOT.
- YES, I AM.
- NO, YOU'RE NOT!
- (all scream)
GET AWAY FROM ME.
GET AWAY FROM ME!
- YOU DUMMKOPF!
- IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
- ACCIDENT? I'LL SHOW YOU AN ACCIDENT.
- I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT.
(all gasp)
(laughing) OH, STANLEY,
YOU LOOK RIDICULOUS.
Janet: OH, THIS IS AWFUL.
- Janet: MRS. ROP...
- (all scream)
- OH, MRS. ROPER.
- Mrs. Roper: OH, JANET.
(laughing)
- NO, NO, NO! WAIT A MINUTE.
- WHAT?!
(Mrs. Roper laughing)
STOP IT! STOP IT THIS INSTANT.
I THINK THIS IS
DISGRACEFUL! DISGRACEFUL!
I CAME HERE TONIGHT TO
WIN THIS TROPHY AND I WANT IT.
DO YOU HEAR ME? I WANT IT!
IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT, HELEN.
I LET YOU TALK ME INTO
WEAR MY BEST SUIT?!
I LET YOU TALK ME INTO DRIVING
JACK AND HIS CHOCOLATE MOUSSE...
TO THIS STUPID PLACE?!
THAT'S THE TROUBLE WITH ME? I
LET YOU TALK ME INTO EVERYTHING!
NOT EVERYTHING, STANLEY.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
BESIDES, I'M IN NO MOOD TO FOOL AROUND.
THAT'S WHAT I MEAN.
ONE MORE CRACK...
ONE MORE CRACK,
HELEN... AND SO HELP ME.
YOU WOULDN'T DARE?
- OH, NO?
- NO.
NO, NO, NO, MR. AND
MRS. ROPER, NOT YOU TWO.
PLEASE DON'T FIGHT. LOOK,
WHAT HAPPENED TONIGHT
WAS JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS.
IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT, MRS. ROPER.
AND IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT.
IF IT WAS ANYBODY'S
FAULT, IT WAS MY FAULT.
(laughing)
(theme music playing)
Ritter's voice: THREE'S
COMPANY WAS VIDEOTAPED
IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.