Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 3, Episode 18 - The Harder They Fall - full transcript

Janet met a guy, Greg, in her flower shop and invited him to her apartment for a simple date. Wanting to be alone with Greg, Janet asks Chrissy and Jack to be out for the night. Before they leave the apartment, Jack falls down the stairs and breaks his leg. Mr. Roper feels partly responsible because he had just finished hosing down the steps, and is concerned that Jack might sue him.

(theme music playing)

♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪

♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪

♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE
HERS AND HERS AND HIS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪

♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪

- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪

♪ WE'VE A LOVABLE SPACE
THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪



♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ YOU'LL SEE THAT
LIFE IS A BALL AGAIN ♪

♪ LAUGHTER IS CALLING FOR YOU ♪

- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO. ♪

OKAY, THERE'S YOUR RECEIPT
AND THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

(softly humming)

- GOOD MORNING.
- (gasps loudly)

OH... OH...

MAY I HELP YOU?

(sighs) BETTER YET,
MAY I HELP YOU?

- WHAT? - WELL... OH OH DEAR.



OH OH MY.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S
WRONG WITH ME.

I SEEM TO BE ALL THUMBS TODAY.

I WOULDN'T SAY THAT.

OH, OH...

DID YOU COME IN TO
PICK UP SOME FLOWERS?

NO, BUT THAT'S WHAT
I SEEM TO BE DOING.

OH... (lightly chuckles)

FOR YOU.

I'M MR. HALIDAY, THE
CREEPING CHARLIE.

CHARLIE HALIDAY?

NO, GREG HALIDAY. I ORDERED A
CREEPING CHARLIE FOR MY BEACH HOUSE.

OH RIGHT, OF COURSE. I'M
SORRY, CREEPY... I MEAN CHARLIE!

(screams) NO, I MEAN GREG!

- OH I MEAN... I'M SORRY.
- THAT'S OKAY.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S
WRONG WITH ME TODAY.

I'M JUST HAVING ONE OF
THOSE DAYS. (giggles nervously)

- YOUR NAME IS?
- JANET... WOOD.

O-O, W-O-O-D. JANET
WOOD, THAT'S MY NAME.

- JANET?
- YES.

THAT'S A LOVELY NAME, JANET.

OH WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

- OH... HERE'S YOUR PLANT,
MR. HALIDAY.
- OH.

IT'S ALL READY.

- THANKS.
- OH SURE.

- HOW MUCH?
- HOW MUCH WHAT?

- HOW MUCH DO I OWE YOU?
- OH YOU DON'T OWE ME
ANYTHING.

YOU MEAN FOR THE
PLANT. (clears throat)

THAT'S... THAT PLANT IS $15.

15... OH UH...

BY THE WAY, DO YOU
HAVE ANY BOSTON FERN?

- OH NO, I'M SORRY.
- THAT'S TOO BAD.

ACTUALLY...

WE DID HAVE SOME, BUT THEY
WERE LOOKING REALLY PUNY

SO I TOOK THEM HOME
TO MY APARTMENT.

LUCKY FERNS.

YES, WELL, YOU KNOW
HOW PLANTS ARE.

THEY JUST THRIVE ON
LOVE AND AFFECTION.

OH I AGREE.

I BELIEVE EVERY LIVING THING
NEEDS LOVE AND AFFECTION.

ME TOO! I JUST LOVE GIVING
LOVE TO LIVING THINGS!

- REALLY?
- OH YEAH...

WELL, WHAT I MEAN IS THAT...

IF THERE WASN'T ANY GIVING LOVE THEN
THERE WOULDN'T BE ANY LIVING THINGS.

NO, WHAT I MEAN IS...

WHAT I MEANT TO SAY
WAS THAT... (stutters)

PLANTS ARE JUST LIKE PEOPLE. THEY'RE
JUST LIKE PEOPLE. THEY NEED LOVE...

AND WATER AND FERTILIZER.

- THAT'S ONE WAY OF PUTTING IT.
- YEAH, THAT'S ONE WAY. (giggles)

GOOD... WELL, HERE IS...

TO BAD ABOUT THE
NEPHROLEPIS EXALTATA.

OH AM I IMPRESSED!

YOU KNOW THE LATIN
NAME FOR BOSTON FERN?

WELL, THERE'S JUST SOMETHING
ABOUT FERNS THAT TURNS ME ON.

REALLY?

WELL, THEY'RE SO
QUIET AND MYSTERIOUS.

(gasps) YOU SHOULD SEE
MY ASPARAGUS SPRENGERI.

I'LL BET IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

(both chuckling)

- WELL... GEE.
- GEE.

IT'S BEEN A REAL PLEASURE
TALKING TO YOU, JANET.

OH WELL, I'VE
ENJOYED IT TOO, GREG.

WELL...

- WAIT!
- YES?

UH...

IF YOU WOULD LIKE
TO SEE THOSE FERNS,

I COULD SHOW THEM TO YOU.

YOU MEAN THE ONES
IN YOUR APARTMENT?

OH YES, YOU KNOW, IF YOU'RE
INTERESTED IN THE FERNS,

I WOULD LOVE FOR
YOU TO SEE THEM...

IF YOU'RE INTERESTED
IN THOSE FERNS.

FINE. I'D LOVE TO LOOK AT
ANYTHING YOU HAVE TO SHOW ME.

I GET OFF AT 6:30.

- GREAT, I'LL PICK YOU UP.
- GREAT!

(screaming)

OH, PLEASE BE HOME!

(phone ringing)

HELLO? OH HI, JANET! WHAT'S NEW?

HUH?! A CREEPING CHARLIE?

IS THAT ANYTHING
LIKE A PEEPING TOM?

OH... OH REALLY!

OH HE SOUNDS FANTASTIC.
I CAN'T WAIT TO MEET HIM.

OH ACTUALLY, CHRISSY, WE SORT
OF PLANNED TO BE ALONE TONIGHT.

- WHERE ARE YOU
AND GREG GOING?
- TO OUR APARTMENT.

- OH WHERE ARE
JACK AND I GOING?
- OUT.

- PLEASE?
- OH JANET, I WAS GONNA
WASH MY HAIR TONIGHT.

OH BUT, CHRISSY,
GEE, I'VE JUST MET HIM.

I DON'T KNOW HOW HE'LL REACT TO
THE THREE OF US LIVING TOGETHER.

- AREN'T YOU
GONNA TELL HIM?
- OH SURE,

BUT LATER ON, AFTER WE KNOW
EACH OTHER JUST A LITTLE BETTER.

LISTEN, CHRISSY, TONIGHT I WANT
EVERYTHING TO ROCK BUT THE BOAT.

(chuckling) OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

JACK AND I WILL BE OUT OF
HERE BY 7:00. OKAY, BYE-BYE.

- HEY, CHRISSY?
- YEAH?

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT
TUNA CASSEROLE FOR DINNER.

- I'D LOVE IT.
- GOOD.

- BUT DON'T MAKE IT.
- WHAT?

YOU AND I ARE GOING OUT TONIGHT.

YOU SEE, JANET'S MET
THIS TERRIFIC NEW GUY

AND SHE'S INVITED HIM BACK HERE.

JANET ASKED A GUY OUT? WHY?

SO HE WOULDN'T ASK HER OUT.

NOW WHY DON'T I UNDERSTAND THAT?

THIS WAY SHE GETS THE
HOME COURT ADVANTAGE.

HOME COURT ADVANTAGE?

WELL, SURE! IT'S ALWAYS EASIER

FOR A GIRL TO BE TAKEN
ADVANTAGE OF IN HER OWN HOME.

OH REALLY?

OKAY, CHRISSY, YOU
SERVE, I'LL RECEIVE.

- NO, JACK, I DON'T
PLAY THAT GAME.
- (both chuckle)

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO TONIGHT?

UH... I GOT IT! THE
BASKETBALL GAME.

- OH I LOVE WATCHING
BASKETBALL!
- YEAH!

I ONCE HAD A DATE WITH
A BASKETBALL PLAYER.

- HOW WAS IT?
- SO-SO.

- WASN'T HE GOOD COMPANY?
- I DON'T KNOW.

HE WAS SO TALL, EVERYTHING HE
SAID WENT RIGHT OVER MY HEAD.

(snorting)

I BETTER CATCH LARRY BEFORE
HE GETS RID OF THOSE TICKETS.

IT'S GONNA BE SO MUCH FUN!

WILKES DRIBBLES DOWN FOUL LINE!

CROSS COURTS THE BALL TO DANTLEY!
DANTLEY FAKES OUT TO CENTER,

GOES UP, PASSES THE
BALL TO MARTIN... NIXON!

NIXON LOOKS AROUND,
THROWS THE BALL TO JABBAR.

JABBAR TAKES IT AND
SAYS, "THANKS, SHORTY,"

BOUNCES THE BALL
A COUPLE OF TIMES,

TURNS FOR HIS FAMOUS PIVOT
JUMP SHOT, AND THERE IT GOES!

- (screams)
- (tumbling down stairs)

JACK?

JACK, DID YOU FALL?

(groans)

- OH JACK, DID YOU FALL?
- (groans)

- ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
- HE'S NOT HURT,

BUT HE BROKE MY
RUBBER TREE PLANT!

OH MY LEGS...
MOMMY! OH THERE IT IS.

ARGH, I CAN'T FEEL
ANYTHING IN MY LEFT LEG.

SEE? IT DOESN'T HURT.

WE BETTER GET HIM TO A HOSPITAL.

OH YOU'RE RIGHT. STANLEY,
GIVE HER THE KEYS TO YOUR CAR.

- MY CAR?
- YEAH, JACK CAN LIE DOWN
IN THE BACK SEAT.

IS THERE ENOUGH ROOM?

I WOULDN'T KNOW.

HERE. IT MIGHT NEED SOME GAS.

IT TAKES PREMIUM.

IT TAKES REGULAR.
STANLEY, HELP HIM UP!

- ALL RIGHT.
- Jack: HERE.

- LET ME PUT MY ARM
AROUND YOUR SHOULDER.
- HEY.

- THIS IS AN EMERGENCY. DON'T GET CUTE.
- I WAS JUST...

(squeals)

- GOT HIM, CHRISSY?
- YEAH.

CHRISSY, STAY CLOSE TO ME. IN CASE I
FALL, I'D LIKE SOMETHING SOFT TO LAND ON.

HUH? OH.

OH STANLEY, YOU'VE
BEEN OUT HERE FOR AGES.

- ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
- YEAH, I'M THINKING
ABOUT JACK.

OH THAT'S NICE.

YOU'RE REALLY WORRIED ABOUT HIM.

OF COURSE, I'M
WORRIED ABOUT HIM!

IF HE'S HURT BAD,
HE COULD SUE ME.

WHY WOULD HE DO THAT?

BECAUSE HE SLIPPED
ON MY WET STEPS.

I JUST FINISHED
HOSING THEM DOWN.

- OH...
- YOU'LL SEE.

HE'LL SUE ME, AND MY
INSURANCE PREMIUMS

WILL GO RIGHT THROUGH THE ROOF.

OH DON'T BE SILLY. IT'S
JUST A LITTLE BRUISE.

YOU KNOW JACK. HE'S YOUNG.

HE'S IN FINE PHYSICAL CONDITION.

YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

HE'S PROBABLY UP AND
FLITTING AROUND RIGHT NOW.

OH HI, MR. ROPER AND MRS. ROPER.

UH... WHAT'S THAT?

- (Mrs. Roper gasps)
- THE DOCTOR SAID HIS LEG
IS FRACTURED.

- OH JACK! I'M SO SORRY!
- THANKS.

LISTEN, CHRISSY, I THINK
I SHOULD GO UPSTAIRS

- AND GET
A LITTLE REST.
- YEAH.

- THANKS FOR YOUR CAR,
MR. ROPER.
- OH.

- OH...
- REMEMBER, JACK,

I LOANED YOU MY CAR.

- I APPRECIATE THAT, MR. ROPER.
- AND YOU COULD FORGET ABOUT
THE GAS THAT YOU USED.

- IT'S ON ME.
- OH GOOD.

THAT'S VERY NICE
OF YOU, MR. ROPER.

NEED A COUPLE OF ASPIRIN, JACK?

I'LL LET YOU HAVE
IT FOR NOTHING.

HELEN, GIVE HIM SOME ASPIRIN.

NO, MR. ROPER,
IT'S OKAY. I'M OKAY.

REMEMBER, I'M THE ONE WHO
PICKED YOU UP, REMEMBER THAT.

Jack: I APPRECIATE THAT.
YOU'VE BEEN VERY KIND.

THANKS FOR
EVERYTHING YOU'VE DONE.

YOU HEAR THAT?
HE'S GONNA SUE ME.

CHRISSY, I TELL YOU. I
COULD STILL COOK DINNER.

JUST PROP ME UP
AGAINST THE STOVE.

NO, JACK, THE DOCTOR
SAID YOU SHOULD REST.

HEY, DON'T WORRY. WE'LL HAVE
YOU UP AND RUNNING IN NO TIME.

- I'LL COOK THE MEALS.
- THAT'LL DO IT.

I WONDER IF I'LL STILL BE
ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN.

SURE.

- I THINK YOU OUGHT TO WAIT
TILL YOUR LEG HEALS, THOUGH.
- YEAH.

OW, OW, OW...
- (sighs)
- (groans)

NOW WE DON'T WANT YOUR
LEG CATCHING COLD NOW DO WE?

NO, IT'S TOUGH WHEN YOUR
TOES GET THE SNIFFLES.

THERE, HOW'S THAT?

AW, CHRISSY, YOU'RE A
REGULAR FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE.

AW, I DON'T SING THAT WELL.

WELL, I'LL JUST LET
YOU REST, OKAY?

(moans)

- WHAT IS IT?
- (groans)

- OH MY HEAD!
- WHAT?

CHRISSY, I HAVE A HEADACHE.

COULD YOU PLEASE RUB MY TEMPLES?

OH!

- OH POOR BABY, OH...
- (sighs)

- HOW'S THAT?
- OH IT FEELS SO GOOD!

HAS THE PAIN GONE AWAY?

NOT YET, CHRISSY. I'M
A VERY SLOW HEALER.

JACK, ISN'T THERE SOMETHING
THAT YOU AND I SHOULD BE DOING?

- I THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO WAIT
TILL MY LEG HEALS.
- NO.

I MEAN I JUST FEEL LIKE
I'VE FORGOTTEN SOMETHING.

CHRISSY, RELAX. I
NEVER FORGET ANYTHING.

WELL, HERE WE ARE.

OH VERY NICE, JANET.

I JUST REMEMBERED
WHAT I NEVER FORGET.

YEAH, WE'RE NOT
SUPPOSED TO BE HERE.

QUICK, CHRISSY, HIDE!

OW!

CHRISSY...

- MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME.
- THANK YOU.

I LIKE IT.

IT'S JUST LIKE YOU: WARM,
CHARMING, SO ATTRACTIVE.

- (both giggling)
- THAT'S THE SAME LINE
I ALWAYS USE.

IT IS?

THEN I ALWAYS SAY,
"IT MUST GET LONELY

SLEEPING IN THIS BIG
APARTMENT, ALL ALONE."

IT MUST GET LONELY
SLEEPING IN A BIG APARTMENT

ALL ALONE.

JACK, THAT'S AMAZING!

WELL, HERE'S WHAT YOU
CAME UP HERE TO SEE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THEM?

Greg: OH!

THOSE ARE TWO BEAUTIES!

I'VE NEVER SEEN SUCH
GORGEOUS EXALTATAS!

EXALTATAS?

I'VE NEVER HEARD THEM
CALLED THAT BEFORE.

(whispers) EXALTATAS.

YOU KNOW IF YOU
WANT THEM TO GROW,

YOU HAVE TO PUT THEM IN THE
WINDOW AT LEAST ONCE A DAY.

(laughs)

I KNOW, BUT I'M SO CONCERNED ABOUT
THEM GETTING TOO MUCH SUNLIGHT.

THEY'RE SO DELICATE.

OH NO, YOU'D BE SURPRISED THE
ROUGH TREATMENT THEY CAN TAKE.

THEY LOOK KIND OF DRY.

- DRY?
- WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME
YOU STEAMED THEM?

A COUPLE WEEKS AGO.

I THINK THEY'RE ABOUT DUE AGAIN.

I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT.

- (Janet groans)
- I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!

FERNS ARE VERY STURDY
PLANTS, YOU KNOW.

- FERNS?
- OF COURSE, FERNS.

AND YOU OUGHTA BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
FOR WHAT YOU WERE THINKING, CHRISSY.

- WATCH OUT.
- OKAY.

(water running)

AW, THERE'S NOTHING LIKE
STEAM TO PERK UP A FERN.

YOU KNOW, IF I DIDN'T KNOW BETTER,
I'D SAY THAT THIS LITTLE GUY IS SMILING.

(both giggle)

THEY'RE COMING OUT OF THE
BATHROOM TOGETHER! (laughs)

HEY, YOU KNOW, YOU REALLY OUGHT
TO REST. WHY DON'T YOU GO TO BED?

AND MISS THIS?
FORGET IT, CHRISSY.

COME ON, THE DOCTOR SAID YOU'VE
GOTTA GET SOME REST! NOW COME TO BED.

CHRISSY, CHRISSY, COULD YOU
HAND ME THE CRUTCH PLEASE?

- OH HERE... OH!
- (squeals)

- WHAT WAS THAT?
- I DON'T KNOW.

WELL, IT CAME FROM THAT
ROOM. I BETTER HAVE A LOOK.

- WELL, BE CAREFUL.
- DON'T WORRY. I CAN
HANDLE MYSELF.

- WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING?
- YEAH, FELLA!

NOT WHAT YOU THINK.

YOU KNOW THESE PEOPLE?

IN A WAY...

WELL YOU SEE... IN A WAY,
YOU SEE, WE'RE NEIGHBORS.

WE LIVE IN THE APARTMENT
UPSTAIRS. IT LOOKS JUST LIKE THIS ONE!

(both snickering)

WE MAKE THIS
MISTAKE ALL THE TIME.

THE WIFE AND I SOMETIMES DON'T
KNOW WHERE WE'RE GONNA WAKE UP.

ISN'T THAT RIGHT,
SUGAR DUMPLING?

OKAY, FELLA, UP ON
YOUR FEET. COME ON.

OH BUT... HE CAN ONLY
GET UP ON ONE FOOT.

WHAT?

- THIS ONE'S BROKEN.
- BROKEN?!

OH JACK, HOW DID IT HAPPEN?

WELL, JANET, WHEN I
LEFT HERE THIS MORNING...

OH WHOA, "WHEN I LEFT HERE THIS
MORNING?" OH HE'S YOUR NEIGHBOR, HUH?

GREG, THESE ARE MY ROOMMATES.

THIS IS CHRISSY SNOW
AND THIS IS JACK TRIPPER.

- OH JACK...
- ROOMMATES?!

YOU SAID YOU LIVED ALONE.

NO, NOT EXACTLY. I SAID
THAT WE WOULD BE ALONE.

HEY, HEY, PLEASE,
DON'T BLAME JANET.

WE PROMISED HER
WE WOULDN'T BE HERE.

- YEAH, WE WANTED TO GIVE HER
THE HOME COURT ADVANTAGE.
- CHRISSY!

YOU'RE NOT HELPING.

OH JACK, DOES IT HURT VERY BAD?

- YEAH.
- YEAH?

Mr. Roper: YOO HOO,
ANYBODY HOME?

- WHO'S THAT? ANOTHER ROOMMATE?
- NO.

NO, THAT'S OUR LANDLORD.
I'LL GO GET RID OF HIM.

Jack: LISTEN, CAN I...

- MR. ROPER...
- WHERE'S JACK? I WANT TO TALK TO HIM.

- JACK BROKE HIS LEG.
- I KNOW HE BROKE HIS LEG.

- THAT'S WHY I
GOTTA TALK TO HIM.
- COME ON, STANLEY...

LET HIM REST. THE POOR BOY'S
BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH TODAY.

HE CAN REST AFTER WE
SETTLE THIS. NOW WHERE IS HE?

HE'S IN HIS BEDROOM.

I'M NOT GONNA GO IN THERE.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY,
STANLEY. A BROKEN LEG ISN'T CATCHING.

- JANET, - OH...

- JACK WAS EXPLAINING TO ME...
- WHO'S THIS GUY?

THESE ARE THE ROPERS,
THIS IS GREG HALIDAY.

- Mrs. Roper: HOW DO YOU DO?
- OH... I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.

HE HIRED HIMSELF A LAWYER.

- WHAT?
- MR. ROPER, EXCUSE ME,
BUT GREG...

YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME, FELLA.
YOU'RE NOT GONNA GET A NICKEL OUT OF ME.

I MEAN, IS IT MY FAULT THAT THOSE
KIND OF GUYS HAVE SOFT BONES?

DON'T GET SO EXCITED.

OH IT'S OKAY. LET
HIM GET EXCITED.

WELL, HI, EVERYBODY.

- OH JACK...
- HI, JACK.

OH LOOK AT THAT. STILL
WEARING THE CAST, HUH?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN STILL? THE
DOCTOR SAID I HAVE TO WAIT SIX WEEKS

BEFORE I CAN TAKE IT OFF.

SIX WEEKS? THAT'S
A LONG TIME TO WAIT.

I'VE WAITED LONGER.

SIX WEEKS, HUH?

I GUESS THAT IS A LITTLE BIT
OF AN INCONVENIENCE FOR YOU

BUT IT DID HAPPEN IN
MY APARTMENT HOUSE,

SO I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'M
GONNA DO. JUST SIGN THIS.

IT SAYS YOU'RE NOT GOING TO SUE ME
OR ANYTHING. I'LL GIVE YOU $50 IN CASH.

MR. ROPER, I'M NOT
INTERESTED IN YOUR $50.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL DOUBLE IT.
$100, BUT THAT'S MY FINAL OFFER.

- HONEST, MR. ROPER...
- ALL RIGHT, I'LL DOUBLE MY FINAL OFFER...

- $200, BUT THAT'S IT.
- MR. ROPER,

I'D RATHER NOT TALK
ABOUT MONEY, OKAY?

OH I GET IT.

I GET IT.

YOU WANT YOUR LAWYER
HERE TO TALK FOR YOU.

- I AM NOT A LAWYER...
- DON'T TALK TO ME, YOU SHYSTER!

I GOTTA GO LIE DOWN.

I BETTER GO WITH HIM.

IT'S NOT OFTEN HE'S LYING DOWN
AND EXCITED AT THE SAME TIME.

OH, UH... (clears throat)

CHRISSY, WILL YOU HELP ME
SIT DOWN ON THIS COUCH HERE?

JACK, I THINK THAT JANET AND
GREG WOULD LIKE TO BE ALONE.

OH, OH, OH... SURE,
I UNDERSTAND.

WELL, CHRISSY, WOULD YOU HELP
ME LIMP DOWN TO THE REGAL BEAGLE?

NOTHING DOING. I
WANT YOU IN BED!

WOULD YOU LIKE TO SIT DOWN?

- YES.
- OKAY.

- THANK YOU.
- UH, GREG,

I THINK I OWE YOU AN APOLOGY.

I SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU ABOUT MY
ROOMMATES. I HOPE YOU'RE NOT ANGRY.

NO, WHY SHOULD I BE ANGRY?

I LIKE THE ARRANGEMENT...

THEM IN THEIR ROOM
AND US IN OUR ROOM.

OH YEAH, IT IS KIND OF
COZY IN HERE, ISN'T IT?

(chuckles)

I WASN'T TALKING
ABOUT THIS ROOM.

I WAS TALKING ABOUT
YOUR BEDROOM.

- MY BEDROOM?
- MM...

OH BUT IT'S SO COMFORTABLE
HERE ON THE COUCH.

BUT IT WOULD BE SO MUCH
MORE COMFORTABLE ON THE BED.

UH GREG, ARE YOU TRYING
TO ASK ME SOMETHING

OR ARE YOU TRYING
TO TELL ME SOMETHING?

LOOK, YOUR FRIEND JACK
MAY BE WEARING A CAST,

- BUT I'M NOT.
- WAIT A MINUTE.

- DID YOU COME OVER
TONIGHT EXPECTING...
- NATURALLY.

MAN DOES NOT LIVE
ON FERNS ALONE.

AND YOU JUST ASSUMED THAT
I WOULD GO TO BED WITH YOU?

(scoffs) AFTER ALL, YOU INVITED
ME UP HERE, REMEMBER?

WHAT ELSE WAS I TO ASSUME?

WELL, LET ME MAKE ONE THING
PERFECTLY CLEAR, MR. HALIDAY,

JUST BECAUSE A WOMAN
INVITES YOU TO HER HOME

DOESN'T MEAN SHE
WANTS TO PLAY HOUSE.

JUST BECAUSE I INVITED YOU
INSTEAD OF YOU INVITING ME,

THAT'S NO REASON FOR
YOU TO THINK I'M A PUSHOVER!

DON'T MIND ME, I'M
JUST PASSING THROUGH.

THAT'S A GOOD POINT!

OKAY, HOW ABOUT IF I HAD
INVITED YOU OVER TO MY PLACE?

- THEN WE'D
HAVE NO PROBLEM.
- THERE'S ONLY ONE BATHROOM.

OF ALL THE ARROGANT,
CONCEITED MEN!

- IT'S ALL THE ORANGE JUICE
I DRANK EARLIER.
- Greg: OKAY...

I'M NOT PUSHY.

IF YOU FEEL THAT YOU'RE
ONE OF THOSE GIRLS

THAT WANTS TO WAIT
TILL THE SECOND DATE...

- OH!
- LISTEN, I'LL TURN
THE WATER ON.

I WON'T HEAR A THING. GO AHEAD.

LISTEN YOU, I HAVE NO INTENTION

OF BECOMING ONE MORE STATISTIC
IN YOUR LITTLE BLACK BOOK.

- (thumps)
- (Jack screams)

WHAT HAPPENED?

- (Jack grunting)
- Chrissy: OH!

- Janet: OH...
- EXCUSE ME, I BROKE
THE ONES ON THE FLOOR,

BUT THE ONE HANGING IN
THE SHOWER IS OKAY. SORRY...

ALL RIGHT...

$250 AND THAT'S MY
FINAL, FINAL OFFER.

LOOK, ONCE AND FOR
ALL, I AM NOT A LAWYER,

AND I DON'T KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT LAW.

YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT WOMEN EITHER.

- WELL, HOW DO YOU KNOW?
- WHAT?

BETWEEN YOU AND HIM AND
HIM, I NEVER HAD A CHANCE!

- WELL...
- (Greg mumbles)

- WAIT...
- I'LL TELL YOU ANOTHER THING,

I HATE FERNS!

(growls)

WAIT A MINUTE. YOU MEAN
HE REALLY ISN'T A LAWYER?

HE REALLY ISN'T AN ANYTHING!

- YOU'RE NOT GONNA SUE ME?
- NO, I TOLD YOU!

I DON'T WANT YOUR MONEY.

OH GOOD, GOOD...

THEN YOU OWE ME $27.50 FOR
BREAKING MY RUBBER TREE PLANT.

- MR. ROPER...
- WHAT'S THAT?

DON'T GO IN THERE, MR. ROPER.

DON'T TELL ME NOT
TO GO IN THERE.

I'LL GO IN ANY PLACE I PLEASE.
I'M THE LANDLORD, REMEMBER?

- WAIT A SECOND, - MR. ROPER...

- I THINK YOU SHOULD
LISTEN TO ME...
- MR. ROPER!

- HANG ON...
- (Mr. Roper screams)

(thumping, clanging)

Chrissy: YOU BROKE HER FERN!

I COULDN'T SEE.

- WELL, NOW WE'RE EVEN.
- HUH?

THAT'S JANET'S
POLICY AT THE STORE:

YOU BREAK IT, YOU BOUGHT IT.

THAT'S RIGHT, MR. ROPER.

WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO WRAP THIS,

OR DO YOU WANT TO WEAR IT HOME?

THANK YOU.

(screams)

I'M SO SORRY, MR. ROPER!

JANET, CHRISSY, GET OUT HERE!

I GOT SOMETHING TO SHOW YOU!

DO YOU NOTICE ANYTHING
DIFFERENT ABOUT ME?

UH... YOU SHAVED YOUR MOUSTACHE.

NO, I NEVER HAD A MOUSTACHE.

IT'S THE LEG, THE LEG!

YOU SHAVED YOUR LEG?

CHRISSY, THE CAST IS
OFF AND THE DOCTOR SAID

I COULD DO ANYTHING I WANT!

OH JACK, THAT'S GREAT!

IT SURE IS. COME HERE, CHRISSY.

- WHERE... (squealing)
- YOU'RE NEXT, JANET.

(theme music playing)

Ritter's voice: THREE'S
COMPANY WAS VIDEOTAPED

IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.