Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 3, Episode 13 - Eleanor's Return - full transcript

Janet and Chrissy's old roommate, Eleanor, pays a visit. Meanwhile, Jack tells the girls that he received an 'A' on a cooking test. However, he believes Eleanor is stealing his thunder when she and Janet and Chrissy reminisce about old times instead. In addition, Jack thinks Eleanor is returning for good, feeling he will have to move out of the apartment. When Janet and Chrissy plan a party for Eleanor, Jack wants to get even and plans to streak at the party with Larry.

(theme music playing)

♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪

♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪

♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE
HERS AND HERS AND HIS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪

♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪

- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪

♪ WE'VE A LOVABLE SPACE
THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪



♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ YOU'LL SEE THAT
LIFE IS A BALL AGAIN ♪

♪ LAUGHTER IS CALLING FOR YOU ♪

- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO. ♪

CHRISSY! JANET!

- I GOT SOME BIG NEWS!
- (water running)

WHERE IS EVERYBODY? CHRIS...

CHRISSY? JANET?

ARE YOU TAKING A SHOWER?

CHRI...

UH... I KNOW I'M NOT
SUPPOSED TO BE IN HERE,



BUT I HAVE TO TELL SOMEBODY.

LISTEN, I PASSED MY COMPREHENSIVE
TEST IN COOKING SCHOOL.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT?

- CONGRATULATIONS!
- THANK YOU. (gasps)

- YOU MUST BE VERY PROUD.
- WELL, UH... YEAH.

I'M SORRY, I THOUGHT...
YOU'RE NOT CHRISSY OR JANET...

THIS IS... THIS IS MY BATHROOM.

WHO ARE YOU? NOT THAT
IT MATTERS, YOU KNOW,

BECAUSE... I MEAN, YOU CAN TAKE A
SHOWER IN THERE ANYTIME YOU WANT.

- OH, JACK.
- YOU KNOW MY NAME!

AM I DREAMING? BECAUSE I
DO HAVE DREAMS LIKE THIS.

AND IF THIS IS A DREAM, I WANT
TO GET IN THERE RIGHT AWAY.

IT'S NOT. I'M ELEANOR PHILLIPS.

ELEANOR PHILLIPS? I'M SORRY,

HAVE WE EVER SHOWERED
TOGETHER BEFORE?

(laughing) NO.

MAYBE MY MAIDEN
NAME WILL HELP...

- ELEANOR GARBY?
- ELEANOR GAR...

OF COURSE, YOU'RE ELEANOR.
YOU USED TO SLEEP IN MY BED.

I MEAN, YOU WERE THE
GIRLS' ROOMMATE BEFORE ME.

RIGHT. THEY WROTE
ME ALL ABOUT YOU.

OH, UH... MR. ROPER LET ME IN.

HOPE YOU DON'T MIND MY
MAKING MYSELF COMFORTABLE.

OH, NO. HEY, YOU KNOW,

ELEANOR, GET AS
COMFORTABLE AS YOU LIKE.

(laughing) OH, GOD, THIS IS
GONNA BE A GREAT SURPRISE

FOR CHRISSY AND JANET.

(chuckles) JACK, I'D
LIKE TO GET DRESSED.

IF THAT'S YOUR FAVORITE
SEAT, I COULD SAVE IT FOR YOU.

OH, NO, THIS? NO, IT'S NOT...

IT'S NOT MY FAVORITE
SEAT, UH-UH. (laughs)

- OUT, JACK.
- HUH?

OUT, OUT, OUT.

OH, YEAH, RIGHT. YOU
DIDN'T THINK I WAS...

- NO, NO.
- YOU KNOW WHERE
THE TOWELS ARE?

SURE, THEY'RE IN THE OLD
PLACE, WHERE YOU LEFT THEM,

'CAUSE YOU LIVED HERE.
OH, EXCUSE ME, I'M SORRY.

THEY'RE PLASTIC,

SO THERE'S NO SHATTERED
GLASS FOR LITTLE BARE FEET.

THERE IT IS, BACK
WHERE THEY BELONG.

I'LL BE OUTSIDE IF
YOU NEED ME, OKAY?

(thumps)

JUST CHECKING THE
WALL, YOU KNOW,

SOMETIMES IT GETS
PLASTERED. (laughs)

- OUT!
- I'M GOING.

IF YOU NEED ME
I'LL BE RIGHT OUT...

(screams)

I'M SORRY. EXCUSE
ME. I WAS JUST...

I WAS JUST TESTING
THE LOCK AND... IT FAILED.

- REALLY? GO ON, GO ON.
- Chrissy: THEN HE HAD
THE NERVE

TO ASK ME TO GO ON ONE OF THOSE

- BACK-TO-NATURE
WEEKENDS WITH HIM.
- WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?

HIS IDEA OF "BACK-TO-NATURE"
IS STRIPPING IN THE LIVING ROOM.

(Janet laughs)

- HI, GIRLS!
- Janet: HI, JACK.

- Janet: HI.
- WHAT'S THE BIG
SMILE FOR?

NOTHING, UNLESS YOU WANT TO
COUNT THE TWO BIG SURPRISES.

SURPRISES? OH,
FANTASTIC, I LOVE SURPRISES.

- REALLY, CHRISSY?
- YEAH.

FUNNY HOW YOU NEVER EXPECT THEM.

- RIGHT.
- YEAH, THAT'S TRUE.

OKAY, GIVE. WHAT
ARE THE SURPRISES?

WELL, YOU'LL FIND OUT ABOUT
ONE OF THEM PRETTY SOON.

SO I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT THE
OTHER ONE, OKAY? ALL RIGHT.

WHAT HAVE I BEEN
PREPARING FOR ALL YEAR LONG?

THE ONE THING IN THE WORLD I
WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE?

LINDA SANDOWSKI.

NO! AN "A" ON MY COMPREHENSIVE.

IT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT
TEST AT COOKING SCHOOL.

- TWO YEARS FROM NOW
I WILL BE A CHEF!
- All: YES!

OH, JACK, I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU!

- THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
- ME TOO!

I THINK SHE'S A LITTLE
HAPPIER FOR ME THAN YOU ARE.

OH, YEAH?

- HOW'S THAT FOR HAPPY?
- YOU'RE CATCHING UP.

- THANK YOU.
- YOUR MOVE, CHRISSY.

- HI, GUYS!
- (Chrissy screams)

(all girls screaming)

THAT'S MY SECOND SURPRISE.

ELEANOR.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- JUST CAME TO VISIT.
- YOU CAN STAY?

- OH, TERRIFIC!
- Janet: OH, GREAT. COME ON, SIT DOWN.

I DON'T BELIEVE IT!
GOSH, IT'S BEEN SO LONG.

- YES?
- JACK, I'M SORRY.

- HAVE YOU MET ELEANOR?
- YEAH, BEFORE YOU
CAME HOME.

YOU LOOK CUTE WITH CLOTHES ON.

OKAY, TELL US ALL ABOUT TEDDY.

- HOW'S MARRIED LIFE?
- MUCH BETTER SINCE
THE DIVORCE.

NO-OO. ELEANOR.

OO-OOH, GOSH, THAT'S
TERRIBLE. WE DIDN'T KNOW.

HEY, YOU GUYS, IT'S
NOTHING TO GET UPSET ABOUT.

TEDDY AND I JUST GOT TIRED OF
FIGHTING OVER THE SAME SILLY THING.

- Chrissy: WHAT WAS THAT?
- HOW BIG A JERK
HE REALLY IS.

WELL, YOU... COULDN'T YOU
HAVE WORKED SOMETHING OUT?

BELIEVE ME, JANET,
IT'S ALL FOR THE BEST.

- YEAH, BUT MARRIAGE IS...
- NO BUTS!

IT'S OVER.

WHOO, YOU GUYS,
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT,

THE THREE OF US TOGETHER
AGAIN. ISN'T THAT GREAT?

REMEMBER THAT GUY THAT
WOULD NEVER LEAVE US ALONE?

- WHAT WAS
HIS NAME, JANET?
- WHOO... CRAZY ARTHUR.

Chrissy and Eleanor: YES!

- REMEMBER WHAT HE TRIED
WITH CHRISSY?
- OH, YEAH.

- Jack: WHY? WHAT DID HE TRY?
- I WOULDN'T LET HIM.

WOULDN'T LET HIM DO WHAT?

- NEITHER WOULD I.
- (girls scream)

WHAT, WHAT?
WOULDN'T LET HIM WHAT?

DO YOU KNOW THAT CRAZY
ARTHUR ASKED ME TOO?

- (Eleanor screams)
- YOU KNOW THAT CRAZY ARTHUR
ASKED ME TOO?

HA-HA, AT THE SAME TIME? WE
SHOULD CALL HIM ACROBATIC ARTHUR.

INSTEAD OF CRAZY ARTHUR,
THEY SHOULD CALL HIM AC... WELL,

- BECAUSE THERE'RE THREE
OF YOU AND ONLY ONE GUY.
- Eleanor: YOU LOOK GOOD.

- Chrissy: THANK YOU.
- OH, I LOVE YOUR HAIR...

(overlapping)

- WAIT A MINUTE, HELEN.
- HMM?

- WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE?
- OH, IT'S YOUR ARMY COT.

I WAS GONNA LEND IT TO THE
KIDS WHILE ELEANOR IS HERE.

YOU CAN'T DO THAT. THAT'S MY
ONLY SOUVENIR FROM WORLD WAR II.

WORLD WAR II?

YOU BOUGHT THIS
AT A GARAGE SALE.

YEAH, BUT FROM A VETERAN.

I BET THAT BED COULD
TELL A LOT OF STORIES.

I WISH OURS COULD.

(doorbell rings)

HI, MR. ROPER, I CAME
FOR THE ARMY COT.

- OH, HERE IT IS, JACK.
- GREAT. THANK YOU.

WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT.
WHO'S GONNA SLEEP ON THIS?

ELEANOR WILL SET IT UP
IN THE GIRL'S BEDROOM.

WHICH GIRL'S BEDROOM?

(hisses)

(Mrs. Roper laughs)

DON'T PAY ANY ATTENTION TO HIM.

HE THINKS THAT HUNK OF
JUNK IS WORTH SOMETHING.

- (laughs)
- I DON'T THINK,
I KNOW IT IS.

I MEAN, HOW MANY THINGS ARE
STILL AROUND FROM THE 1940s?

YOU MEAN, BESIDES MY WARDROBE?

HEY, MR. ROPER, DON'T WORRY,

ELEANOR WILL TAKE REAL
GOOD CARE OF YOUR COT.

OH, IF IT'S FOR ELEANOR, IT'S ALL
RIGHT. SHE WAS A VERY GOOD TENANT.

- THANK YOU.
- I MEAN, ELEANOR PAID
HER RENT ON TIME,

NOT LIKE SOME
TENANTS I COULD NAME.

- RIGHT. I'D BETTER
BE GOING, MR. ROPER.
- WAIT, WAIT.

- I'D BETTER
HELP YOU SET THAT UP.
- NO, I CAN FIGURE IT OUT.

JACK, IT'S NOT THAT EASY.

IF YOU DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE DOING,

YOU CAN CATCH YOUR
FINGER... (screams)

- OW, JACK,
MY FINGER IS CAUGHT.
- WHAT DO I DO?

- OPEN THAT UP.
- OPEN IT UP?

- (gasps)
- (screams)

(screams)

- I BETTER GO.
- (screams)

AND FROM HERE I'M
GOING TO SAN DIEGO.

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED
TO LIVE THERE.

BUT YOU'RE GONNA STAY
HERE FOR A WHILE, AREN'T YOU?

- JUST A FEW DAYS.
- GOOD, GOOD.

- OH, LOOK. LOOK,
LOOK AT THIS PICTURE!
- WHAT?

- THE THREE OF US
AT THE STONES CONCERT.
- OH, YEAH.

RIGHT AFTER THIS PICTURE WAS
TAKEN, YOU RAN UP ON THE STAGE.

YEAH, AND WE HAD
TO CARRY YOU HOME.

BOY, WERE YOU KNOCKED OUT!

WELL, REMEMBER,

I HAD ACTUALLY TOUCHED THE
GIRL WHO HAD JUST TOUCHED...

MICK JAGGER'S TOE.

All: OH, YEAH.

HERE WE GO... ONE
SLIGHTLY USED ARMY COT.

- THANKS A LOT, JACK.
- NO PROBLEM.

- I'LL JUST SET IT UP
IN HERE LATER, ELEANOR.
- REMEMBER THIS?

- OH!
- I FORGOT ALL
ABOUT THAT DAY.

BOY, ELEANOR, YOU SURE
BROUGHT A LOT OF LUGGAGE...

- FOUR BIG SUITCASES!
- (Eleanor chuckles)

- I KNOW, IT'S
EVERYTHING I OWN.
- YEAH.

- LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE
NEVER GOING BACK.
- I'M NOT.

SO WHAT ARE YOU GIRLS UP TO?

OH, NOTHING, JACK, JUST A LITTLE
GIRL TALK. YOU WOULDN'T BE INTERESTED.

OH. OKAY.

IF YOU NEED ME, I'LL
BE IN THE KITCHEN.

I'M MAKING A SPECIAL TREAT FOR
DINNER TONIGHT... CHICKEN DU VIN.

- OH, JACK...
- NO, NO, JANET.

DON'T THANK ME
UNTIL YOU'VE TASTED IT,

AND THEN JUST A SIMPLE HICKEY
WILL BE ENOUGH. I'LL MAKE DINNER.

JACK, WE ALREADY ASKED
ELEANOR TO COOK DINNER FOR US.

- YOU DID?!
- YEAH, FOR OLD
TIME'S SAKE.

BEFORE YOU CAME, SHE
DID ALL THE COOKING.

OH, I JUST THOUGHT YOU MIGHT
WANNA TASTE THE DISH THAT HELPED ME

GET AN "A" ON MY TEST.

Chrissy: WE DO, JACK...
SOME OTHER TIME THOUGH.

- LOOK...
- THEY LOOKED BETTER.

I'VE NEVER HAD SO MUCH FREE
TIME BEFORE DINNER. (chuckles)

CHRISSY, YOUR RADIO... YOU KNOW, THE ONE
YOU'VE BEEN WANTING ME TO FIX FOR A MONTH?

BRING IT HERE, AND I'LL FIDDLE
WITH YOUR DIALS. (chuckles)

YOU DON'T HAVE TO. I ALREADY
FIXED IT. IT WAS JUST A LOOSE WIRE.

OH, A LOOSE WIRE? THAT WAS THE
FIRST THING I WAS GONNA CHECK.

HERE'S WHERE WE ALL WENT
TO DISNEYLAND THAT TIME.

- BOY, THAT WAS A GOOD TIME.
- Eleanor: OH, IT SURE WAS.

IF YOU NEED ME, I'LL BE
OUTSIDE, SOMEWHERE.

Eleanor: OH, LOOK... LOOK!

- OH, NO.
- THERE'S CHRISSY
HOLDING HANDS WITH GOOFY.

- (Eleanor chuckles) - THAT ISN'T
GOOFY. THAT WAS MY DATE.

(laughing)

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT, SWEETHEART?

- (doorbell rings)
- I THINK ABOUT YOU
EVERY DAY!

YES. WHAT?

LOOK... I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW.

I ONLY CALL YOU ONCE A MONTH,
BUT THAT'S ALL THE FREE TIME I GET.

MY JOB'S GOT A LOT OF PRESSURES.

IT'S NOT EASY BEING
A DIAMOND CUTTER.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, I
DON'T REMEMBER YOU?

HOW CAN I EVER FORGET
MY SWEET CAROL...

CAROL. (chuckles)

AS LONG AS THERE'S A MOON ABOVE,

I'LL ALWAYS REMEMBER
THOSE BEAUTIFUL...

UH, GREEN... GREEN EYES.

AND THAT HAIR... OH,
THAT INCREDIBLE...

AUBURN HAIR, YEAH.

YOU'RE FIVE
STARS! I MEAN... UH...

I MEAN... NO. I MEAN, UH...

YOU'RE A FIVE-STAR GENERAL...

IN THE ARMY OF LOVE.

YEAH.

ALL RIGHT, LOOK, ARE
WE ON FOR FRIDAY?

WELL, TELL ME NOW, BABY, OR I
WON'T FLY IN FROM AMSTERDAM.

THATTA GIRL. CIAO.

(kisses)

- (sighs) SHE LOVES ME, JACK.
- (laughs)

TELL ME SOMETHING, LARRY,
JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY...

YEAH.

HAVE YOU EVER TRIED
TELLING THE GIRL THE TRUTH?

YEAH, I WOULD, JACK,
BUT I'VE GOT THIS THEORY...

I FIGURE ANY PERSON WHO GETS
UP AN HOUR EARLY EVERY MORNING

TO PUT ON EYELINER, LIPGLOSS,
AND PLASTIC FINGERNAILS

IS NOT A PERSON WHO
WANTS TO HEAR THE TRUTH.

- (laughs) YOU'RE INCREDIBLE.
- YEAH.

LISTEN, UH... DO YOU WANNA
DO SOMETHING TONIGHT?

NO, I CAN'T. I'M LATE
FOR A DATE ALREADY.

DO YOU MIND IF I JUST HANG AROUND
HERE... UNTIL YOU'RE READY TO GO?

YEAH, SURE. THIS
ISN'T LIKE YOU, JACK.

YOU'VE BEEN HANGING AROUND
HERE A LOT LAST COUPLE OF DAYS,

EVER SINCE ELEANOR CAME.

YEAH. WELL, THE
GIRLS ARE OLD FRIENDS.

THEY'VE GOT A LOT OF CATCHING
UP TO DO, MOSTLY GIRL STUFF,

- NOTHING FOR ME.
- UH-HUH.

ELEANOR IS A GREAT GIRL. I MEAN,
SHE CAN FIX THINGS, SHE CAN COOK...

- SHE CAN PAY THE RENT.
- HMM?

DON'T YOU SEE IT, JACK?
THREE GOOD FRIENDS,

ALL FEMALE, REUNITED,

ONE WITH NO PLACE TO LIVE?

(chuckles) YOU GOTTA FACE IT.

- FACE WHAT?!
- ELEANOR IS COMING BACK.

YOU'RE ON YOUR WAY OUT.

(laughs) YOU CAN'T
BE... ARE YOU SE...

OH, COME ON, LARRY.

JUST BECAUSE THE GIRLS
GOT A FEW THINGS IN COMMON...

THAT MEANS NOTHING.

- YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
- JUST BECAUSE SHE CAN COOK,

AND DO A FEW OTHER
LITTLE THINGS I CAN DO...

YEAH, IT'S UNIMPORTANT.

IT'S UNIMPORTANT.

AND JUST BECAUSE SHE BROUGHT
EVERYTHING SHE OWNS WITH HER...

- WE'RE TALKING
SHEER COINCIDENCE.
- YE... SHEER COINCIDENCE.

- LARRY, I'M ON MY WAY OUT!
- THAT'S WHAT I SAID BEFORE.

- I KNOW.
- (screams)

(snaps fingers) I
GOT IT... GOT IT...

THE ANSWER TO ALL YOUR PROBLEMS.

WE'LL GET ELEANOR BACK
TOGETHER WITH HER HUSBAND.

SHE HATES HER HUSBAND.

OKAY. WE'LL GET HER TOGETHER
WITH SOMEONE ELSE'S HUSBAND.

LARRY, WHAT ARE WE
TALKING ABOUT, ANYWAY?

THE GIRLS WON'T THROW ME
OUT. THEY LIKE ME TOO MUCH.

YEAH, BUT WITH ELEANOR HERE,
WHAT DO THEY NEED YOU FOR?

- PROTECTION?
- (chuckles)

WHEN YOU'RE GONE, THEY
WON'T NEED ANY. (chuckles)

(doorbell rings)

HI, JACK. LARRY.

I GOT THE NEW CURTAINS
FOR YOUR BEDROOM.

- IT'LL ONLY TAKE ME
A MINUTE TO PUT THEM UP.
- I DIDN'T ASK FOR NEW CURTAINS.

I KNOW.

WHY IS HE PUTTING UP NEW
CURTAINS IN MY BEDROOM?

THEY'RE REDECORATING
FOR ELEANOR, THAT'S WHY.

- WHICH MEANS
IT'S CURTAINS FOR ME.
- YOU GOT IT.

- I GUESS THERE'S
NOTHING I CAN DO.
- COME ON. SURE THERE IS.

- WHAT?
- COME ON, WHERE'S
THE OLD FIGHT...

- DON'T, LARRY. NOT NOW, OKAY?
- HUH, THE OLD SCHOOL?

- JACK TRIPPER, COME ON.
- COME ON, MAN.

I'M NOT A... WILL
YOU CUT THAT OUT?

(overlapping)

WELL, WHAT HAVE WE HERE?

A MATCHING SET OF TINKERBELLS?

UH, MR. ROPER, I CAN EXPLAIN.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO. I SHOULD
HAVE FIGURED IT OUT MYSELF.

NO, NO, NO. YOU
DON'T UNDERSTAND...

YOU TWO HAVE BEEN SPENDING
A LOT OF TIME TOGETHER LATELY.

HEY, HEY... WHOA,
WHOA, WAIT A MINUTE.

I SERVED FOUR
YEARS IN THE MARINES.

OH, YEAH? WHAT OUTFIT?

THE FLOUNCING 59th?

OH, WAIT A SECOND.
THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

I LOVE GIRLS, I GO OUT
WITH THEM ALL THE TIME.

MAYBE YOU'RE AMPHIBIOUS.

- JACK...
- (high-pitched voice) HE KNOWS, LARRY.

- MR. ROPER...
- STAY AWAY FROM ME.

- I JUST...
- (crying)

(high-pitched voice) WHAT
IS IT, SWEETHEART?

- HE'S GONE.
- HE'S GONE? OH, GOOD.

THANKS, MAN. THANKS A LOT.

- WHO STARTED
WITH THE ROUGH HOUSING?
- (mimicking Jack)

OH! HI, GUYS.

- HI.
- WHERE WERE
YOU GUYS?

OH, WE WERE... OUT
BUYING DOUGHNUTS.

- WOULD YOU CARE
FOR ONE, JACK?
- NO. NO, THANKS.

- LARRY, EAT THEM
WHILE THEY'RE HOT.
- SURE.

SO UH... ELEANOR
IS NOT WITH YOU?

- NO, SHE'S STILL OUT
SHOPPING.
- OH, GOOD,

- BECAUSE THERE'S
SOMETHING I'D LIKE TO ASK YOU.
- BEFORE YOU DO, JACK,

- WE HAVE A FAVOR TO ASK OF YOU.
- THIS IS REAL IMPORTANT,
JANET.

- OH, SO IS THIS, JACK.
- ASK HIM.

I'M GONNA ASK
HIM. (clears throat)

TOMORROW NIGHT WE WERE PLANNING

ON HAVING A "SURPRISE WELCOME
BACK PARTY" FOR ELEANOR...

YOU KNOW, JUST TO GET ALL
OF OUR FRIENDS TOGETHER.

- OH, REALLY?
- AND WE WANTED TO KNOW IF YOU
WOULD BAKE THE CAKE FOR US.

WHAT?!

OH, SURE, I'M THE ONE WHO'S
GONNA BAKE A CAKE FOR ELEANOR.

OH, THANK YOU, JACK.

OH, JACK, WHAT DID
YOU WANNA ASK US?

FORGET IT. YOUR
QUESTION ANSWERED MINE.

BUT THERE'S SOMETHING I'D
LIKE TO SAY TO BOTH OF YOU...

- JACK, CAN I SEE YOU
IN THE KITCHEN FOR A SECOND?
- I'VE BEEN LIVING HERE...

- JACK?
- NOW WHAT...

YOU'LL HAVE TO FORGIVE
JACK. IT'S BEEN A TOUGH DAY.

HIS HOROSCOPE TOLD HIM THAT
HIS BIORHYTHMS HAD BAD KARMA.

LISTEN TO ME... LAR...!

GEE, JACK SEEMED KIND OF UPSET
ABOUT BAKING THE CAKE FOR US.

YEAH. OH, WELL, DON'T WORRY.

IT WILL BE OKAY, WHEN HE FINDS
OUT THE PARTY IS REALLY FOR HIM,

FOR PASSING HIS COOKING TEST.

- LARRY, ARE YOU NUTS?
- NO, YOU ARE.

BAKE THE CAKE FOR ELEANOR.

WHY? THEY'RE THROWING ME
OUT OF MY OWN APARTMENT.

WHO SAYS THE CAKE
HAS TO BE GOOD?

- WHAT?
- CAN YOU IMAGINE THE LOOK
ON SOMEONE'S FACE

AFTER BITING INTO A CAKE
THAT TASTES... SAY OF...

SAWDUST? HUH?

JACK, THERE ARE LOTS
OF WAYS TO RUIN A PARTY.

- LIKE WHAT?
- WELL, SNEEZING POWDERS,
SPIDERS IN THE BATH,

- LITTLE HAND BUZZERS...
- NO, THAT'S KID'S STUFF.

- AW, OKAY. UH... STREAKING!
- STREAKING?

HA-HA! STREAKING, YES! THAT
WOULD SHUT IT DOWN REAL FAST.

- STREAKING? THAT'S OLD,
ISN'T IT, LARRY?
- NO, COME ON.

I WOULDN'T HAVE THE NERVE TO TAKE
OFF MY CLOTHES IN FRONT OF THOSE PEOPLE.

- I'LL DO IT WITH YOU.
- HUH?!

- COME ON,
WHAT ARE FRIENDS FOR?
- YOU WILL STREAK WITH ME?!

OF COURSE. JACK, BABY...

LOOK, THIS IS YOUR
GOING-AWAY PARTY.

YOU MIGHT AS WELL
AS GO OUT WITH A BANG.

- YEAH.
- (both laughing)

- GIRLS, GIRLS.
- Chrissy: WHAT?

- HEY, JACK. WHAT IS IT?
- I... I WANT YOU TO KNOW
I'D BE HAPPY

- TO BAKE A CAKE FOR ELEANOR.
- Janet: REALLY?

- FANTASTIC.
- WOW, YEAH. THIS IS GONNA
BE A GREAT SURPRISE.

- YEAH. I KNOW IT'S GONNA
BE A GREAT PARTY.
- Jack: OH, YEAH.

THIS WILL BE ONE PARTY
YOU'LL NEVER FORGET.

(both laugh)

(both laugh)

(all laughing hard)

(chattering)

THE APARTMENT LOOKS SO NICE.

THANKS, PATTY. WAIT TILL
YOU SEE THE FOOD LATER ON.

Man: IT LOOKS LIKE
EVERYTHING IS GOING GREAT.

Janet: OH, YEAH. I THINK IT'S
REALLY GONNA BE BIG SURPRISE.

WELL, YOU ALL ENJOY YOURSELVES.

JACK. JACK, EVERYBODY'S
WAITING FOR THE CAKE.

- CAN I HELP?
- OH, JANET, I THINK
EVERYTHING'S UNDER CONTROL,

AND HERE... WHY DON'T YOU
JUST GO OUT THERE AND MINGLE?

- LAR...
- I'LL BE OUT IN A SECOND, JANET.

- OKAY. THANKS, GUYS.
- Larry: BYE.

JACK, JACK, THAT
CAKE LOOKS SO REAL!

YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO
MAKE IT OUT OF SAWDUST.

I DID. BELIEVE ME, LARRY, BEFORE
THIS WAS A CAKE, IT WAS A BOOKCASE.

- WHOO!
- (laughs)

HOW DO YOU LIKE MY
STREAKING OUTFIT, HUH?

ONE ZIP, AND I'M
READY FOR ACTION.

- OH, IT'S GREAT.
- AND...

I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE IN RATHER
POOR TASTE TO GO COMPLETELY NUDE,

SO I HAD THIS LITTLE SIGN
MADE UP FOR THE OCCASION.

"IF YOU SEE ANYTHING YOU
LIKE, HONK THREE TIMES."

(laughs)

- HONK, HONK, HONK.
- (Jack laughs)

- OKAY, NOW DON'T
FORGET THE PLAN.
- THE PLAN, OKAY.

I WILL STREAK FROM THE
FRONT DOOR INTO THE BEDROOM.

YOU STREAK FROM THE
BEDROOM OUT THE FRONT DOOR.

- ALL WE NEED IS A SIGNAL.
- DON'T WORRY, CHRISSY IS
TAKING CARE OF THAT.

- CHRISSY? HOW?
- WELL... NO, I TOLD HER

THAT WHEN ELEANOR GETS HERE,
SHE'S TO HAVE EVERYBODY BEGIN

SINGING "FOR SHE'S A
JOLLY GOOD FELLOW."

WHEN YOU HEAR THAT, STREAK.

- BRILLIANT!
- SO YOU GOTTA SNEAK OUTSIDE
AS SOON AS YOU CAN.

- I CAN'T WAIT. LET'S GO FOR IT.
- ALL RIGHT.

THIS WILL TEACH THEM TO
MESS WITH JACK TRIPPER.

- HA-HA-HA.
- GET THE CAKE,
COME ON. ARE YOU READY?

HERE WE GO... A SPECIAL
CAKE FOR EVERYONE.

YUM-YUM, YUM-YUM.

- ALL RIGHT. COME ON,
EVERYBODY, HELP YOURSELVES.
- Woman: OKAY, HERE WE GO.

OH, BOY, CAKE?

- Larry: DIG IN,
'CAUSE THERE'S PLENTY.
- Jack: YEAH, I WANT YOU ALL

TO HAVE A BIG PIECE,
BECAUSE LATER ON

THERE'S GONNA BE A DESSERT THAT
WILL REALLY GET YOUR ATTENTION.

OH, HERE WE GO, PATTY.

- THANKS A LOT.
- WHOOPS... REALLY SORRY
ABOUT THAT.

- THERE YOU ARE.
- Man: THANKS.

BOY, THIS CAKE LOOKS
FANTASTIC. IS IT A NEW RECIPE?

YEAH, WELL, UH...
JUST AROUND HERE.

IT'S AN OLD
LUMBERJACK'S FAVORITE.

OKAY, ELEANOR, COME ON.

All: SURPRISE, JACK!

(all cheering)

OH, IT WORKED, IT WORKED.

- WE FOOLED YOU.
- ME?!

YEAH, THE PARTY'S FOR YOU, FOR
GETTING AN "A" ON YOUR COOKING TEST.

- THIS IS FOR ME?
- Chrissy: YES.

- Eleanor: IT SURE IS.
- SEE?

"CONGRATULATIONS, JACK."

(all cheering)

YOU DIDN'T THINK THAT WE'D FORGET
ABOUT YOUR PASSING YOUR BIG TEST, DID YOU?

- GOSH, WE CARE TOO MUCH
ABOUT YOU FOR THAT.
- YOU DO?

- YEAH.
- WHAT ABOUT ELEANOR?

- I CARE ABOUT YOU TOO.
- YEAH, IN FACT SHE WAS
THE ONE

WHO INSISTED ON HAVING
THE PARTY TONIGHT,

BEFORE SHE MOVES TO
SAN DIEGO TOMORROW.

- YOU'RE LEAVING?
- Janet: YEAH.

CONGRATULATIONS, JACK.
HEY, DID YOU LIKE THE PRESENT

THAT STANLEY AND I GOT YOU? YOU
KNOW, THE CURTAINS FOR YOUR BEDROOM?

THEY'RE NOT FOR ELEANOR EITHER?

FOR ELEANOR? (laughs)

WHOEVER GAVE YOU CRAZY
IDEAS LIKE THAT? (laughs)

- (all laughing)
- Chrissy: BOY...

BOY, DID YOU FALL FOR IT!

YOU REALLY THOUGHT THE PARTY
WAS FOR ELEANOR, DIDN'T YOU?

- YES, I DID.
- YOU EVEN BAKED A CAKE
AND EVERYTHING.

YEAH, THE CAKE. THE CAKE!

(Janet screams)

(all scream)

- I WANT IT!
- Man: WHOO!

JACK, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
JACK, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

THAT'S EVERYBODY. I
THINK THAT... NO, NO! FOR...

MR. ROPER!

JACK, THIS CAKE IS DELICIOUS.

HELEN, WHY CAN'T YOU
BAKE CAKES LIKE THIS?

OKAY, EVERYBODY ALL TOGETHER!

All: ♪ FOR HE'S A
JOLLY GOOD FELLOW ♪

- ♪ FOR HE'S A JOLLY
GOOD FELLOW... ♪
- LARRY!

- LARRY, LARRY...
- GERONIMO!

(women scream)

JACK!

(chuckling)

WHAT WAS ALL THAT ABOUT, JACK?

"WHAT WAS ALL THAT
ABOUT?" I DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING.

ENCORE, LARRY!

ENCORE! ENCORE!

♪ FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW ♪

♪ HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW ♪

EVERYBODY!

♪ FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW ♪

♪ WHICH NOBODY CAN DENY. ♪

LARRY. NOW COME ON,
LAR. I TRIED TO STOP YOU,

BUT YOU WERE TOO FAST FOR ME.

LARRY, LARRY, YOU CAN'T
STAY IN THERE ALL NIGHT.

COME ON NOW.

- LAR...
- (squeaks)

I'M SO EMBARRASSED.

I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO
FACE ANY OF YOU AGAIN.

OO-OH, YES YOU WILL, LARRY.

COME ON. YOU KNOW,
YOU RAN BY SO FAST

YOU WERE NOTHING BUT A BIG BLUR.

- YEAH, WE COULDN'T
SEE ANYTHING REALLY.
- UH-UH.

- REALLY?
- YEAH.

- OH, I FEEL
A LOT BETTER.
- OH, GOOD.

- HEY, LARRY.
- YEAH.

Both: HONK, HONK, HONK.

(screams)

Ritter's voice: "THREE'S
COMPANY" WAS VIDEOTAPED

IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.