Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 3, Episode 11 - The Kleptomaniac - full transcript

Janet's prized pen she received as a graduation gift is missing, and Jack saw Chrissy take money out of his room. Therefore, they suspect that Chrissy might be a kleptomaniac. Later, when Jack and Janet noticed that Chrissy came home wearing a shawl that belonged to Mrs. Roper, they panic and attempt to hide the shawl from Mr. Roper, who was fixing something in the kids' kitchen. Jack and Janet then sit Chrissy down, hoping to get to the root of the problem.

(theme music playing)

♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪

♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪

♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE
HERS AND HERS AND HIS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪

♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪

- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪

♪ WE'VE A LOVABLE SPACE
THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪



♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ YOU'LL SEE THAT
LIFE IS A BALL AGAIN ♪

♪ LAUGHTER IS CALLING FOR YOU ♪

- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO. ♪

- STANLEY...
- (snoring)

STANLEY, GET UP.

I KNOW YOU'RE
NOT ASLEEP. GET UP!

(snoring continues)

IF YOU WANT TO LIE DOWN,
WHY DON'T YOU COME TO BED?

I'M UP, I'M UP.

LOOK, STANLEY, YOU'VE BEEN
LYING AROUND ALL MORNING.



AND YOU PROMISED ME

THAT YOU'D PAINT THE
OUTSIDE OF THE BUILDING TODAY.

THE DAY'S NOT OVER.

YEAH, BUT YOU'VE BEEN
PROMISING ALL YEAR.

THE YEAR'S NOT OVER.

HOW LONG CAN YOU STAND TO LOOK
AT SOMETHING SO FADED AND DRAB?

I DON'T KNOW. HOW LONG
HAVE WE BEEN MARRIED?

IF YOU GOT THE OUTSIDE
OF THE BUILDING PAINTED

MAYBE YOU COULD RENT
THOSE TWO EMPTY APARTMENTS.

ALL RIGHT, ALL
RIGHT, I'LL DO IT.

WELL, MAYBE,
COME TO THINK OF IT,

MAYBE YOU OUGHT TO GET
A PROFESSIONAL PAINTER.

NO WAY, I'M NOT
GONNA SHELL OUT $1,500.

I CAN DO IT MYSELF.

YEAH, BUT IF YOU
WANT IT DONE RIGHT...

HELEN, I KNOW THESE GUYS,

THEY'RE RUDE AND THEY'RE
SLOW AND THEY'RE LAZY

AND THEY'RE ALWAYS COMPLAINING.

YOU'RE RIGHT, STANLEY,
YOU'RE THE MAN FOR THE JOB.

ALL RIGHT NOW, CHRISSY,
THIS IS A JOB APPLICATION

SO I WANT THIS LETTER
TO BE SIMPLE AND DIRECT.

- READY? ALL RIGHT.
- READY.

OKAY, THE DATE... TODAY'S DATE.

GOOD. OKAY, GOOD, OKAY.

LET'S SEE... HOW
AM I DOING SO FAR?

WONDERFUL. YOU
GOT THE DATE RIGHT.

WANT ME TO READ IT BACK TO YOU?

NO, CHRISSY, THAT'S
FINE THANK YOU.

IT'S JUST TOUGH TO GET
STARTED. YOU KNOW?

- DEAR, SIR.
- YES?

OH, YEAH, YES, THAT'S
GOOD. WRITE THAT.

- DEAR SIR.
- OKAY.

UH-OH... NOT "UH-OH", DEAR SIR.

- WHAT IF
A WOMAN GETS IT?
- OKAY, DEAR MADAM.

- WHAT IF A MAN GETS IT?
- CHRISSY, PUT DOWN "DEAR
SIR OR MADAM."

HOW ABOUT "DEAR MADAM OR SIR"?

CHRISSY, THIS LETTER IS
VERY IMPORTANT TO ME.

IF I DON'T GET A JOB SOON, WE'RE
NOT GOING TO EAT AROUND HERE.

YOU MEAN YOU'RE NOT
GOING TO EAT AROUND HERE.

EXCUSE ME, CHRISSY, WHO
DOES THE COOKING IN THIS PLACE?

RIGHT. TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN?

GOOD, GOOD, "TO
WHOM IT MAY CONCERN."

(stammering)

I AM DESIROUS OF
OBTAINING A PART-TIME JOB.

GO, CHRISSY.

I AM DESIROUS OF OBTAIN...

- CHRISSY,
YOU'RE NOT TYPING.
- "DESIROUS"?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH DESIROUS?

WELL, IT MAKES YOU
SOUND TOO SEXY.

YOU'RE RIGHT. LEAVE IT IN.

LEAVE IT IN?

YEAH, I DON'T CARE WHAT I
HAVE TO DO TO GET A JOB.

DEAR SIR, DEAR MADAM,
TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN,

I AM DESIROUS OF
OBTAINING A PART-TIME JOB

TO HELP FINANCE MY ATTENDANCE
AT TECHNICAL COLLEGE.

I AM SURE I CAN BE OF
INVALUABLE ASSISTANCE

TO YOU IN SOME CAPACITY

SUCH AS TAKING INVENTORY

OR RUNNING ERRANDS...

JUST BRUSHING THE
HAIR OUT OF YOUR EYES.

I AM EAGER, I'M BRIGHT,

I AM WILLING TO WORK VERY
HARD, I HAVE NO BAD HABITS,

AND I'M AVAILABLE AT
YOUR CONVENIENCE

FOR A PERSONAL INTERVIEW.

YOURS SINCERELY...
NO, NO, MAKE THAT

HUMBLY YOURS,

HUMBLY YOURS, JACK TRIPPER.

OKAY, GOOD.

I'M ALL READY, JACK. YOU NEED
ANYTHING FROM THE GROCERY STORE?

OH YEAH, JANET, I'M
MAKING SPAGHETTI TONIGHT

SO I NEED SOME HERBS, THANK YOU.

OH WAIT, I BETTER
WRITE THAT DOWN.

SAY, ANYONE SEEN MY
PEN? WHERE'S MY PEN?

- WHAT DID IT LOOK LIKE?
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN "WHAT
DID IT LOOK LIKE?"

MY GOLD PEN. YOU KNOW
THE ONE WITH THE INSCRIPTION

MY PARENTS GAVE ME
FOR MY GRADUATION.

OH GOSH, WHERE'D YOU LOSE IT?

WELL...

CHRISSY, IF I KNEW WHERE I
LOST IT, THEN I'D STILL HAVE IT.

OH, I KNOW, I TOOK IT TO
BED WITH ME LAST NIGHT.

INSTEAD OF HER TEDDY BEAR?

HER MOTHER LIKES
HER TO WRITE HOME

EVERY NIGHT RIGHT
BEFORE SHE GOES TO SLEEP.

- REALLY?
- YEAH, I THINK IT'S
HER MOTHER'S WAY

- OF MAKING SURE
JANET'S ALONE IN BED.
- (Jack laughs)

- IT ISN'T IN THERE.
- MAYBE YOU LEFT IT AT WORK.

I HOPE SO, JACK, THAT
PEN'S REAL IMPORTANT TO ME.

THANK YOU. OKAY, WHAT DO YOU
WANT TO GO WITH YOUR SPAGHETTI?

- I NEED SOME OREGANO,
SOME BASIL, - UH-HUH...

- CLOVE OF GARLIC.
- WAIT, OKAY.

- AND TWO POUNDS
OF GROUND ROUND.
- OKAY.

- ANYTHING ELSE.
- HM-MM.

- ARE YOU SURE?
- I'M SURE.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPAGHETTI?

PUT DOWN SPAGHETTI.

OKEY-DOKEY.

- WHAT'S THAT?
- OH, IT'S MY PASSPORT
TO EMPLOYMENT.

- GET A LOAD OF THIS.
- OKAY.

LET'S SEE HERE. "TO
WHOM IT MAY CONCERN,

I AM DESIROUS OF
OBTAINING A PART-TIME...

- "DESIROUS"?
- (Jack groans)

- SORRY, IT'S GOOD. "DESIROUS."
- DESIROUS.

"ATTEND A GOOD
TECHNICAL COLLEGE.

I AM SURE I CAN BE OF INVALUABLE
ASSISTANCE TO YOU IN SOME CAPACITY

SUCH AS TAKING INVENTORY,
RUNNING ERRANDS, OR JUST

Both: BRUSHING THE
HAIR OUT OF YOUR EYES"?!

CHRISSY, WHAT IS THAT?

- THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID.
- I SAID IT TO YOU,
NOT TO THE LETTER.

ACTUALLY, I THINK
IT'S KIND OF SWEET.

MAYBE YOU'LL END UP
GROOMING ENGLISH SHEEPDOGS.

WILL YOU HOLD THE LADDER, HELEN?

- I'M HOLDING IT.
- CAN YOU HOLD IT STEADY?

OR DO YOU WANT ME
TO BREAK MY NECK?

DECISIONS, DECISIONS...

DON'T KID AROUND. YOU
KNOW I'M AFRAID OF HEIGHTS.

I CAN'T DO ANYTHING
IF I'M TOO HIGH UP.

I DON'T THINK HEIGHT HAS
ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT.

WHY NOT?

OUR BED IS ONLY TWO
FEET OFF THE FLOOR.

(laughs)

- WILL YOU HOLD THE LADDER?
- OKAY, OKAY.

- HI FOLKS.
- (Mr. Roper screams)

ARE YOU CRAZY? I
COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED.

- PARDON ME?
- DON'T EVER SNEAK UP
BEHIND ME LIKE THAT AGAIN.

DON'T MIND HIM, JACK,

HE GETS NASTY IF HE HAS TO
DO ANYTHING HE DOESN'T LIKE.

- CLIMBING A LADDER?
- THAT TOO.

WAIT, WAIT A MINUTE,
ISN'T THAT THE SHAWL

- I BOUGHT YOU
FOR OUR ANNIVERSARY?
- YEAH.

DON'T YOU THINK YOU OUGHT TO
SAVE IT FOR A SPECIAL OCCASION?

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME
YOU PAINTED THE HOUSE?

- (Helen and Jack laugh)
- SHE'S GOT YOU THERE.

- JACK, DO ME A FAVOR.
- I BETTER BE GOING.

I DON'T WANT HER TO GET
ANY PAINT ON THAT SHAWL.

YOU WANT ME TO WEAR THE SHAWL?

IT WOULD LOOK CUTE ON YOU,
BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT I WANT.

I THINK I'LL JUST
LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE

THAT IS IF JACK DOESN'T
MIND GIVING A LITTLE HELP.

- OH, I DON'T MIND. WHERE DOES HE NEED IT?
- EVERYWHERE.

(laughs) SHE GOT YOU AGAIN.

JACK, JUST HOLD
THE LADDER, WILL YA?

- IT'S VERY HARD TO CLIMB.
- YEAH.

WAIT, MR. ROPER, THIS IS EASY
TO CLIMB. HANG ON, I'LL SHOW YOU.

JUST WATCH, SEE...
WHAT YOU'VE GOT TO DO

IS YOU'VE GOT TO GET TO
KNOW YOUR LADDER. SEE?

- JACK,
BE CAREFUL, WATCH IT.
- JUST TESTING IT.

- JACK!
- MAKE THE LADDER
YOUR FRIEND.

WATCH NOW, WATCH.

- JACK, DON'T GO
UP TO HIGH.
- NO, NO, NO.

GERONIMO!

I TOOK THE SHORTCUT DOWN.

- JACK.
- YEAH.

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE A
JOB PAINTING THIS BUILDING?

- ARE YOU KIDDING? YEAH.
- I'LL GIVE YOU
50 BUCKS A DAY.

- FANTASTIC.
- THERE'S ONLY ONE THING.

- WHAT'S THAT?
- IT'S GOT TO BE
PAINTED IN TWO DAYS.

THERE IS NO WAY I CAN GET THIS
BUILDING PAINTED IN TWO DAYS.

TWO TIMES 50 IS 100.

UNLESS I GET STARTED RIGHT AWAY.

OKAY, YOU CLIMB UP THE LADDER,
AND I'LL HOIST UP THE PAINT.

- NO, WAIT A SECOND. I CAN JUST TAKE THE...
- I RIGGED THIS MYSELF.

- OH YEAH?
- IT'S AMAZING HOW MUCH
TIME YOU CAN SAVE

- IF YOU USE YOUR HEAD.
- WHY DON'T I TAKE
THE BUCKET?

- IT'LL BE EASIER.
- JACK, JUST CLIMB
UP THE LADDER.

THE LAST THING I NEED
FROM YOU IS ADVICE.

MR. ROPER, I THINK
IF I JUST HAD...

YOU REMIND ME A LOT OF HELEN,
ALWAYS TELLING ME WHAT TO DO.

TRUST ME, I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.

EXCUSE ME, MR. ROPER,

WHEN THAT DRIES, I CAN
PUT ON A SECOND COAT.

(doorbell rings)

OH CHRISSY, I'M SO
GLAD I CAUGHT YOU HOME.

YOU'RE LUCKY. IN A MINUTE YOU
WOULD HAVE CAUGHT ME DOWNTOWN.

- COME IN.
- DO YOU HAVE $36?

$36?

YEAH, CASH, THERE'S
A C.O.D. PACKAGE

AND STANLEY'S GONE TO
THE PAINT STORE WITH JACK.

AND I...

GEE, I DON'T THINK I
HAVE QUITE THAT MUCH.

- HOW MUCH DO YOU HAVE?
- $4.

- HOW MUCH DO YOU HAVE?
- $4 IF YOU LEND IT TO ME.

WILL THEY TAKE AN I.O.U.?

CHRISSY, YOU CAN'T
GIVE AN I.O.U. TO THE U.P.S.

FOR A C.O.D.

THEY'D CALL THE FBI.

(laughing)

I THINK JACK HAS SOME
MONEY IN HIS ROOM.

I'LL GO GET IT FOR YOU.

- YOU SURE HE WON'T MIND?
- HE WON'T MIND. I'M POSITIVE.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

(screaming)

(both scream)

COME ON, JACK YOU GOT
A LOT OF WORK TO DO.

MR. ROPER, I'LL GET TO
IT RIGHT AFTER LUNCH.

I HATE TO WORK ON
AN EMPTY STOMACH.

I'M AFRAID I'LL GET DIZZY AND
FALL OFF THE LADDER AGAIN.

WHAT ARE YOU WORRIED
ABOUT? YOU JUST FLY DOWN.

I TRIED IT ONCE
AND I DIDN'T LIKE IT.

- OH, HI, MR. ROPER.
- HERE'S MY LUNCH NOW.

- I'LL BE DOWN
AS SOON AS I'M THROUGH.
- OKAY, BUT MAKE IT SNAPPY.

YOU GOT IT, MR. ROPER.
JANET, JANET,

- I GOT TO TALK
TO YOU. COME HERE.
- LET ME PUT THESE AWAY.

- THAT CAN WAIT. SIT HERE AND LISTEN.
- JACK, WHOA.

JACK, I'M LISTENING, ALL RIGHT?

- JANET, LISTEN.
- OKAY.

- I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
- WHAT?

I JUST DON'T KNOW
HOW TO TELL YOU.

- JUST SAY IT.
- I'LL JUST BRING IT OUT.

OKAY.

- CHRISSY STOLE MONEY
FROM ME.
- WHAT?

- THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
- NO, I SAW HER DO IT
WITH MY OWN EYES.

WHAT DID SHE DO STICK HER HAND
IN AND TAKE IT OUT OF YOUR POCKET?

- NO, OUT OF MY DRAWERS.
- JACK!

COME ON, JANET,
HELP ME OUT HERE.

SHE WALKED INTO MY ROOM, OPENED
THE DRAWERS AND TOOK OUT MY MONEY.

JACK, LISTEN TO ME,
THERE HAS GOT TO BE

SOME SIMPLE
EXPLANATION FOR THIS.

- ONE THING ABOUT CHRISSY...
- WHAT ABOUT ME?

Jack and Janet: NOTHING,
WE WERE TALKING ABOUT...

- HOW YOU LIKE SPAGHETTI.
- WHERE YOU WERE.

- WE WERE TALKING
ABOUT A LOT OF THINGS.
- YEAH.

Janet: CHRISSY, IS
THIS A NEW PURSE?

- UH-HUH. DO YOU LIKE IT?
- IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

- WHERE DID YOU GET IT?
- AT BARTON'S DEPARTMENT
STORE.

CHRISSY, I THOUGHT THIS MORNING

YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU
DIDN'T HAVE ANY MONEY.

I DIDN'T, BUT YOU
KNOW HOW IT IS.

IF YOU WANT SOMETHING BADLY
ENOUGH, YOU CAN ALWAYS FIND A WAY.

SO WHAT DO YOU SAY NOW?

- POOR CHRISSY.
- SHE'S NOT THAT POOR. SHE'S GOT MY $32.

JACK, THIS DOESN'T
SOUND LIKE CHRISSY.

MAYBE SHE'S DOING
IT UNCONSCIOUSLY.

NOW THAT SOUNDS LIKE CHRISSY.

JACK, WHAT I MEAN IS

MAYBE CHRISSY IS SICK AND
CAN'T HELP TAKING THINGS.

MAYBE SHE'S A KLEPTOMANIAC.

OUR LITTLE CHRISSY
A KLEPTOMA... NO.

- DO YOU THINK?
- YES.

I READ ABOUT THIS. AND IT
CAN HAPPEN TO ANYBODY.

WHEN A PERSON FEELS
LONELY AND REJECTED,

THEY TAKE THINGS. BUT
THAT'S A CRY FOR HELP.

OH GOD. I'D DO
ANYTHING TO HELP HER.

ME TOO. THE FIRST THING WE
GOT TO DO IS HAVE A TALK WITH HER.

RIGHT. MAYBE WE CAN FIND OUT
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR PEN.

MY PEN... OH,
CHRISSY, COME HERE.

WE WANT TO HAVE A
LITTLE CHAT WITH YOU.

OH SURE. HEY, HOW DO
YOU LIKE THIS SHAWL?

DO YOU THINK IT'LL GO
WITH MY NEW BLACK DRESS?

- THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.
- JANET. WE HAVE TO GO
TO THE KITCHEN

- TO PUT AWAY THE GROCERIES.
- JACK, NO WAIT.

JACK, ARE YOU NUTS? I KNOW
WHERE ALL THESE THINGS GO.

NEVER MIND THAT. THE
SHAWL, THE SHAWL, THE SHAWL.

- THE WHAT? THE WHAT? THE WHAT?
- THAT'S MRS. ROPER'S SHAWL.

- ROPER GAVE IT TO HER
ON THEIR ANNIVERSARY.
- OH, NO.

- WHAT'S GOING ON?
- HUH? NOTHING, KLEPTY...

I MEAN CHRISSY.

I WAS JUST "SHAWLING"
WHERE WE... THE GROCERIES.

- IT WASN'T IMPORTANT, CHRISSY.
- IT'S NOT IMPORTANT AT ALL.

- IT'S NOTHING. JUST FORGET IT.
- IT'S NOTHING.

- FORGET IT.
- YOU WANT TO TRY
THIS ON?

- I BET IT WOULD
LOOK GREAT ON YOU.
- NO.

- LOOK, CHRISSY...
- (doorbell rings)

- WHO COULD THAT BE?
- Mr. Roper: JACK.

- IT'S ROPER.
- ON SECOND THOUGHT,
I'D LOVE TO TRY THIS ON.

- BUT THE MIRROR'S
IN THE BEDROOM.
- I KNOW THAT, CHRISSY,

BUT SEE I WANT TO LOOK AT
MYSELF IN THE POTS AND PANS.

Mr. Roper: I GOT TO TALK TO YOU.

OKAY, COMING, MR. ROPER.

OH, HI, MR. ROPER.

I WANT TO LOOK AT THE
MOLDING IN THE KITCHEN WINDOW.

- THE KITCHEN WINDOW!
- I HOPE YOU HAVEN'T
PAINTED OVER THE EDGE.

- IT MAKES THE WINDOWS STICK.
- NO, I NEVER WOULD PAINT
OVER AN EDGE.

- AFRAID TO LET ME
CHECK ON YOUR WORK?
- NO, IT'S NOT THAT.

- JUST A SEC.
- HI, MR. ROPER.

COULD YOU MOVE OVER
A LITTLE BIT, PLEASE?

OH, SURE, I'LL MOVE
ALL THE WAY. (giggles)

IT LOOKS ALL RIGHT.

- BOY, IT'S HOT
OUT THERE.
- YEAH.

- CAN I BORROW A GINGER ALE?
- SURE, HELP YOURSELF
IN THE FRIDGE.

NO! WE DON'T HAVE
ANY GINGER-ALE.

- SURE WE DO.
- NO WE DON'T HAVE
ANY GINGER ALE.

NO, NO GINGER ALE HERE!

WE'RE TOTALLY DRY, SORRY.

- ANYTHING COLD
WILL BE ALL RIGHT.
- WE DON'T HAVE ANYTHING COLD.

- SEE, YOU HAD ONE.
- (Jack laughs)

SILLY ME.

WAIT A MINUTE.

- MR. ROPER.
- MR. ROPER.

- I'LL HAVE A BEER INSTEAD.
- THAT'S FINE.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO RETURN IT ALL.

DON'T FORGET I WANT YOU TO
FINISH PAINTING THIS WEEKEND.

I AM GOING TO DO THAT.
THIS WEEKEND I AM GOING TO.

I DON'T SEE HOW YOU CAN
PAINT ANYTHING TODAY, JACK,

YOU'RE SO NERVOUS.

- IS ROPER GONE?
- YEAH, YOU WANT ME
TO GET HIM FOR YOU?

- NO, CHRISSY, DON'T DO THAT,
HE'S DRINKING A BEER.
- YEAH, FORGET IT.

WHEW...

- IT'S COLD.
- OH, WELL, THAT'S...

OH, THE SHAWL IS COLD.
THAT'S BECAUSE THERE'S

SO MANY HOLES IN
THERE, THE BREEZE JUST...

- Janet: JACK!
- IT GOES THROUGH
THE BREEZE AND COOLS IT OFF.

SOMETIMES YOU SAY
DUMB THINGS, JACK.

I'M SORRY.

CHRISSY, SIT DOWN HERE ON THE
COUCH FOR A SECOND, WOULD YA?

- JUST RIGHT DOWN HERE.
- YEAH.

WE'D LIKE TO HAVE A TALK.

GO AHEAD, JANET.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN
"GO AHEAD, JANET"?

- I MEAN YOU START.
- WHY SHOULD I START? WHY DON'T YOU?

WELL, WE'LL LEAVE IT TO CHRISSY.

- YOU WANT ME TO START?
- Jack and Janet: NO!

CHRISSY, DEAR,

WE WERE WONDERING IF YOU'D
BEEN FEELING OKAY LATELY.

SURE, WHY?

- WHY, JACK?
- WHY?

YOU HAVEN'T BEEN FEELING
LONELY OR REJECTED?

AW, WITH TWO SUCH
WONDERFUL FRIENDS LIKE YOU?

GO AHEAD, JANET, YOUR TURN.

THANK YOU. CHRISSY,

YOU KNOW, WHEN
YOU HAVE A PROBLEM...

A REALLY BIG PROBLEM,

IT IS SOMETIMES VERY DIFFICULT

TO TALK ABOUT THAT PROBLEM...

EVEN WITH YOUR
VERY CLOSEST FRIENDS.

ISN'T THAT RIGHT, JACK?

RIGHT, IT'S REALLY...

JANET AND I WERE
TALKING ABOUT IT.

SOMETIMES IT'S REALLY GOOD TO TALK TO
SOMEBODY WHO CAN BE MORE OBJECTIVE.

- MM-HMM...
- LIKE A PSYCHIATRIST.

- (doorbell rings)
- I'LL GET IT.

OH, HOLD IT, JANET, WHAT IF IT'S
MR. ROPER? HE'LL SEE THE SHAWL.

RIGHT. WHO IS IT?

Mrs. Roper: IT'S MRS. ROPER!

OH, WHEW, IT'S ONLY MRS. ROPER.

MRS. ROPER!

- Janet: HELLO.
- Jack: HI.

- Mrs. Roper: HELLO.
- Chrissy: HI.

SIT DOWN, CHRISSY.

WHAT CAN WE DO
FOR YOU, MRS. ROPER?

ACTUALLY, I CAME TO SEE CHRISSY.

OH?

SHE'S KIND OF BUSY
RIGHT NOW, MRS. ROPER.

WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO YOU TWO?

CHRISSY, MY SHAWL.

IT LOOKS BEAUTIFUL ON YOU.

I TOLD YOU IT WAS YOUR COLOR.

WELL, THANKS FOR
LENDING IT TO ME.

OH, HERE'S THE MONEY I OWE YOU.

OH, THANKS, THE FOUR ARE MINE

AND THE OTHER 32 ARE
JACK'S. I DID BORROW IT.

- YOU DID?
- THAT MEANS SHE DIDN'T...

OF COURSE SHE DIDN'T.

- OH, CHRISSY.
- OH, JANET.

OH, CHRISSY, IT'S MY TURN.

CHRISSY, CHRISSY,
CHRISSY, CHRISSY.

- MY TURN. OH...
- OH...

IF IT'D KNOWN IT'D CAUSE
SO MUCH EXCITEMENT,

I'D HAVE GIVEN THE
MONEY TO STANLEY.

- THIS IS JUST WONDERFUL.
- IT'S TERRIFIC.

- YEAH.
- NOW WAIT, CHRISSY,

ABOUT THAT NEW PURSE OF YOURS.

- HOW DID YOU AFFORD THAT?
- I CHARGED IT.

(screaming) OH, YOU CHARGED IT!

THAT'S WONDERFUL, CHRISSY!

- WONDERFUL!
- HEY, HOW COME YOU WANT
ME TO SEE A PSYCHIATRIST?

- OH.
- OH, WELL... SEE... EXCUSE ME.

(stutters)

THAT'S JUST A WAY I WAS
MAKING CONVERSATION.

YOU KNOW, HELLO, HOW
ARE YOU? HAVE A NICE DAY.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO
SEE A PSYCHIATRIST?

I SAY THINGS LIKE
THAT ALL THE TIME.

- DON'T I, JANET?
- YEAH, YOU KNOW, HE'S ALWAYS
SAYING THOSE CRAZY THINGS.

BUT YOU KNOW SOMETHING,
CHRISSY, THERE'S ANOTHER THING

I SAY ALL THE TIME IS THAT
"IT'S EASIER TO LIVE WITH PEOPLE

WHEN YOU NEVER BORROW...
ESPECIALLY WITHOUT ASKING."

OH, YOU MEAN YOUR LETTER?

WELL, YOU KNOW I
WENT TO THE BANK TODAY

AND I MADE XEROX COPIES
OF YOUR JOB LETTERS.

NOW ALL YOU HAVE TO
DO IS SIGN AND MAIL THEM.

- MY JOB LETTER?
- YEAH.

OH, YOU DID THAT, CHRISSY?

OH, THANK YOU. HERE THEY ARE.

- CHRISSY...
- I'LL JUST SIGN
THEM RIGHT NOW.

- THAT WAS SO NICE.
- THAT'S SO SWEET OF YOU.

- HUMBLY YOURS, JACK...
- THAT'S MY PEN!

- OH...
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING
WITH MY PEN?

- PEN! THIS IS YOUR PEN.
- THAT'S MY PEN.

YES, IT IS, ISN'T IT. IT SAYS
"TO JANET, HAPPY GRADUATION."

YOUR PEN! YOU KNOW
WHAT HAPPENED PROBABLY,

WHEN YOU PUT IT DOWN,
MY POCKET WAS JUST... NO.

YOU KNOW WHAT? IT WAS
PROBABLY THE LITTLE PEN FAIRY.

I KNOW THAT BECAUSE THERE WAS INK UNDER
MY PILLOW. TINY FOOTPRINTS IN THE CARPET.

- MY PEN, JACK.
- SERIOUSLY, YOU KNOW
SOMETHING, JANET,

I'VE BEEN FEELING AWFUL LONELY

AND REJECTED.

CHRISSY, YOU KNOW WHAT I
MEAN? JUST ALL BY MYSELF AND...

OH BOY, WHAT A DAY.

GOSH, I MEAN, I CAN
HARDLY BELIEVE IT.

I MEAN, WE PRACTICALLY
CALLED CHRISSY A THIEF,

AND SHE ISN'T EVEN MAD AT US. YOU
KNOW YOU'RE SO UNDERSTANDING.

YEAH, WELL, I'LL TELL YOU WHY.

- Janet: WHY?
- WELL...

ONE DAY WHEN I WAS
IN THE FOURTH GRADE,

I SAT DOWN AND THERE
WAS TACK IN MY CHAIR.

I DON'T SEE THE POINT.

I DIDN'T EITHER. (laughs)

SO, TO GET EVEN AFTER SCHOOL,

I PUSHED TOMMY
DALLAS IN THE MUD PILE.

OH, 'CAUSE HE'S THE ONE WHO
PUT THAT TACK ON YOUR CHAIR.

NO, IT WASN'T HIM.

IT WAS SOMEONE ELSE.

IT'S SO SIMPLE. DON'T
YOU UNDERSTAND?

YOU SEE I DID
SOMETHING I SHOULDN'T

TO SOMEONE WHO TURNED
OUT TO BE WHAT HE WASN'T,

BECAUSE I THOUGHT HE DID
SOMETHING THAT HE DIDN'T.

SOMEDAY I'M GOING
TO KILL YOU, CHRISSY.

- JACK!
- NO, I'M JUST...

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, CHRISSY.

HEY, THAT SCAR YOU GOT FROM
THE TACK IS HARDLY NOTICEABLE.

- HOW DO YOU KNOW?
- YEAH, HOW DO YOU KNOW?

YOU'RE FORGETTING TODAY I WAS
PAINTING OUTSIDE YOUR BEDROOM WINDOW.

- (Jack laughs)
- JACK.

AND BY THE WAY, JANET,
YOU HAVE A LOVELY BIRTHMARK

- RIGHT UNDER...
- (Janet screams)

(theme music playing)

Ritter's voice: THREE'S
COMPANY WAS VIDEOTAPED

IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.