Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 3, Episode 10 - The Crush - full transcript
A 13 year-old girl named Laurie visits the Ropers after her parents, family friends of the Ropers, get a divorce. They try to entertain and cheer Laurie up, but to no avail. Therefore, she takes Laurie to visit the kids. Janet and Chrissy didn't get through with Laurie; however, when she meets Jack, Laurie falls heads up heels for him.
(theme music playing)
♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪
♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪
♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪
♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪
♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE
HERS AND HERS AND HIS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪
♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
♪ WE'VE A LOVABLE SPACE
THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ YOU'LL SEE THAT
LIFE IS A BALL AGAIN ♪
♪ LAUGHTER IS CALLING FOR YOU ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO. ♪
OKAY, CHRISSY, WE HAVE EVERYTHING
THAT WE NEED. NOW WHAT DO WE DO NEXT?
PLACE TOM TURKEY IN A
SHALLOW ROASTING PAN.
RIGHT. HERE.
- OKAY.
- HERE YOU GO, TOM.
THERE, YOU OLD GUY.
- HI, WHAT ARE
YOU GIRLS DOING?
- HI, JACK.
WE DECIDED THAT IT
WAS JUST ABOUT TIME
WE COOKED DINNER
FOR YOU FOR A CHANGE.
THAT SHOULD BE INTERESTING.
WHAT ARE YOU MAKING?
- ROAST TURKEY.
- I'M JUST RUBBING
THE LEMON ON IT.
CHRISSY. CHRISSY, EXCUSE ME.
YOU HAVE TO CUT THE LEMON FIRST.
THIS IS CALLED "A
KNIFE," YOU SEE?
AND YOU PUT IT ON TOP
AND YOU PUSH DOWN...
THAT IS CALLED
"CUTTING THE LEMON."
THEN YOU ALWAYS RUB
THE LEMON ON THE TURKEY
IN THE DIRECTION
THE FEATHERS GROW.
NEVER RUB AGAINST THE GRAIN.
ALWAYS DO IT THIS WAY. GOT IT?
- LET ME SEE.
- GO AHEAD.
- THANK YOU. LIKE THIS? - YEAH.
HEY, ALL RIGHT. CHRISSY, WANNA
SPRINKLE ON THE GARLIC POWDER?
YOU DON'T USE GARLIC POWDER!
LET ME SEE. THIS IS SAGE, RIGHT.
YOU PUT THE SAGE ON FIRST
AND YOU HAVE TO WORK
IT IN EVER SO GENTLY.
LIKE THAT, YOU SEE?
AND THEN YOU PUT THE BUTTER
ON TO MAKE THE SKIN REAL CRISP...
NEVER... NEVER BRUISE THE SKIN.
LISTEN, I REALLY WANT
TO THANK BOTH OF YOU
FOR COOKING DINNER
FOR ME LIKE THIS.
OH, JACK, IT WAS
NO TROUBLE AT ALL.
THANKS. DON'T GET UP.
(doorbell rings)
- OH, HI. COME ON IN.
- HI, CHRISSY, HI.
JANET, LISTEN, STANLEY
AND I WERE WONDERING
IF YOU COULD DO US A FAVOR.
- SURE, WHAT IS IT?
- THIS FRIEND OF MINE
JUST GOT MARRIED,
AND SHE LEFT HER
LITTLE GIRL WITH US
WHILE SHE WENT ON HER HONEYMOON.
- UH-HUH?
- OH, THIS IS
HER SECOND MARRIAGE.
- ANYWAY, THIS LITTLE GIRL...
- ALL SHE DOES IS MOPE AROUND THE HOUSE.
AND SHE... SHE IS JUST SO UPSET
ABOUT HER MOTHER
GETTING REMARRIED.
SHE'S THE SWEETEST
LITTLE GIRL, BUT SO SAD.
WE'VE DONE EVERYTHING TO
TRY TO CHEER HER UP, BUT...
I EVEN PLAYED MY BUGLE.
SO, ANYWAY, I THOUGHT THAT
YOU GIRLS, BEING YOUNGER,
WOULD... HAVE BETTER LUCK.
- WELL, WE'RE HAPPY
TO HELP, MRS. ROPER.
- SURE.
OH, GOOD, GOOD.
POOR LITTLE THING,
SHE'S JUST SITTING OUT THERE
ON THE STEPS, SO DEPRESSED.
YEAH, NO ENTHUSIASM,
NO ENERGY, NO INTEREST...
I'VE NEVER SEEN
ANYTHING LIKE IT.
DO YOU EVER SEE YOURSELF
WALK INTO THE BEDROOM?
LAURIE. LAURIE,
COME ON IN, HONEY.
I WANT YOU TO MEET
SOME FRIENDS OF MINE.
- THIS IS CHRISSY.
- HI, LAURIE.
- HI.
- AND THIS IS JANET.
- HOW DO YOU DO?
- HI.
NOW, WHY DON'T YOU JUST
STAY AND VISIT FOR A WHILE
AND THEN THIS AFTERNOON
UNCLE STANLEY CAN
TAKE YOU TO THE ZOO.
THANK YOU, BUT I DON'T
WANNA GO TO THE ZOO.
I DON'T WANNA GO
TO THE ZOO EITHER.
WELL, HOW ABOUT A PONY RIDE?
OOH, NOW YOU'RE TALKING!
LOOK, I'LL GO FIX YOU LUNCH,
WHILE YOU GIRLS GET ACQUAINTED,
- OKAY? COME ON, STANLEY.
- WHOO, A PONY RIDE, WOW.
- WOULD YOU LIKE
TO SIT DOWN, LAURIE?
- THANK YOU.
SURE. THAT'S A
PRETTY GOOD COUCH.
(clears throat) SO
YOU'RE LAURIE?
MM-HMM.
OH, WHAT A DUMB
THING FOR ME TO SAY,
"SO YOU'RE LAURIE?" I MEAN,
WHO ELSE WOULD YOU BE, RIGHT?
(Janet giggles)
HEY, I HAVE THE LATEST
PETER FRAMPTON ALBUM.
- DO YOU WANT TO HEAR IT?
- NOT ESPECIALLY.
- OH.
- Janet: OH.
WELL... WHOO, WHOO,
JACK, YOU HAVE GOT TO MEET JACK.
- JACK.
- HA!
CAREFUL, I ALMOST
SCORCHED MY GIBLETS.
- WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
- WELL... I'M VERY SORRY.
I'M VERY SORRY, BUT WE HAVE KIND
OF AN EMERGENCY IN THE OTHER ROOM.
THERE'S THIS LITTLE
GIRL, HER NAME IS LAURIE...
WELL, HER MOMMY
JUST GOT REMARRIED...
- HOW OLD ARE YOU, LAURIE?
- I'M 13.
REALLY? WHEN I WAS
YOUR AGE, I WAS 13 TOO.
(sobbing)
- IS THAT LAURIE?
- OH, YES, JACK. THIS IS LAURIE.
HELLO, LAURIE, I'M VERY
HAPPY TO MEET YOU.
WHY ARE YOU CRYING?
I WAS JUST SLICING SOME
ONIONS IN THE KITCHEN...
(hiccups) EXCUSE ME.
(sobbing continues)
I FOOLED YOU. IT'S
ONLY A SPONGE.
YOU'RE FUNNY.
- THANK YOU.
- THANKS, JACK.
- DO YOU DO THE COOKING HERE?
- YEAH, BUT NOT ONLY
THE COOKING,
I'M ALSO THE NURSE
OF THE HOUSEHOLD.
(high-pitched voice) HELLO,
LITTLE GIRL, HOW ARE YOU?
- LET'S CHECK
YOUR TEMPERATURE.
- (Laurie laughs)
OH, YOU'RE SUFFERING FROM
A LOOSE MICKEY MOUSE WATCH.
AND SOMETIMES I EVEN DANCE.
♪ KNEE-KNEE KNEE-KNEE KNEE-KNEE
KNEE-KNEE ♪ KNEE... GET IT? KNEE.
BUT, BEST OF ALL... AT MIDNIGHT,
I CLIMB OUT OF MY COFFIN...
(screeching) AND I
TURN INTO A VAMPIRE.
(mimics flapping)
OH, LOOK, A BLOND NECK!
- WHAT A LOVELY NECK
YOU HAVE, MY DARLING.
- JACK...
- (chewing, spitting)
- COME ON, JACK.
HA-HA! BOY, I'M GLAD TO SEE
YOU ALL ARE GETTING
ALONG SO WELL,
ESPECIALLY JACK AND CHRISSY.
OH, MRS. ROPER, I WAS JUST SHOWING
LAURIE WHAT I DO AROUND HERE.
STANLEY ONLY FIXES TOILETS.
I GOT YOUR LUNCH
READY. COME ON, HONEY.
- CAN'T I STAY A LITTLE LONGER?
- YOU CAN COME BACK
THIS AFTERNOON.
- OH, GREAT!
- BYE, LAURIE.
HEY, LAURIE, IT WAS REALLY
NICE MEETING YOU. WE...
I REALLY LIKED
MEETING YOU, JACK.
IT WAS A PLEASURE
TO MEET YOU, MILADY.
- Jack: BYE-BYE.
- Laurie: BYE.
WOW! THAT LITTLE
GIRL LOOKED AT YOU
LIKE YOU WERE ROBERT REDFORD.
OH, WELL, A LOT OF PEOPLE
NOTICE THE RESEMBLANCE.
HEY...
- WHOO, WHOO, WHOO.
- NO!
IT'S SO NICE AND COZY.
IT'S JUST THE THREE OF US
SPENDING A QUIET
EVENING TOGETHER.
YEAH, WAITING FOR A
DELICIOUS TURKEY DINNER.
- (phone rings)
- OH, I'LL GET IT.
I'M WATCHING YOU.
HELLO. OH, YEAH. CAN YOU
HOLD ON WHILE I GET A PENCIL?
OKAY, GO AHEAD.
MM-HMM. UH-HUH.
- ARE YOU GONNA JUMP HER?
- MAYBE, BUT FIRST LET'S
FINISH THE CHESS GAME.
OKAY. WOW, LIST...
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
BYE.
CHRISSY, CHRISSY, LISTEN
TO THIS TELEGRAM. (clears throat)
"JANET AND CHRISSY, YOU
ARE INVITED TO A BARBECUE
AT THE MARINA YACHT CLUB
AT 8:00 O'CLOCK SHARP TONIGHT.
HOPE YOU CAN MAKE IT.
SIGNED, YOU KNOW WHO."
THE MARINA YACHT CLUB?! I'VE
ALWAYS WANTED TO GO THERE!
WELL, WHO'S "YOU KNOW WHO"?
I DON'T KNOW WHO.
DON'T YOU KNOW WHO?
NO, I DON'T KNOW "YOU KNOW
WHO," I KNOW "GUESS WHO."
IT'S JANET AND COSTELLO.
- YIPPY, I KNOW WHO
"YOU KNOW WHO" IS.
- Janet: WHO?
- IT'S DR. BICKMAN,
OUR DENTIST.
- WHAT?!
YOU KNOW, IT'S
TIME FOR A CLEANING.
HE ALWAYS CALLS AND
SAYS, "THIS IS YOU KNOW WHO.
COME ON IN AND
GET RID OF THE GOO."
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. AND HE
DOES BELONG TO THE YACHT CLUB.
YES! 8:00 O'CLOCK,
WE CAN JUST MAKE IT.
OH, CHRISSY. I CAN'T BELIEVE
IT... THE MARINA YACHT CLUB?
HEY, LISTEN, YOU THINK
WE ARE DRESSED OKAY?
IT'S ONLY A BARBECUE. COME ON.
- YOU MEAN YOU'RE GOING?
- OH, ARE YOU KIDDING?
DO YOU THINK WE'RE GONNA
TURN DOWN AN INVITATION LIKE THIS?
- WHAT ABOUT THE TURKEY?
- SORRY, BUT THEY ONLY
INVITED US.
Janet: BYE, LAURIE.
- HI, JACK.
- HI.
- AM I INTERRUPTING DINNER?
- NO, IN FACT YOU'RE GONNA
HELP ME EAT IT.
- OH, THAT WILL
BE WONDERFUL.
- COME ON.
BOY, THAT IS A VINTAGE COW.
JACK, YOU'RE THE BEST
COOK IN THE WHOLE WORLD.
OH, YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY THAT.
- BUT IT'S TRUE.
- I KNOW, BUT YOU DON'T
HAVE TO SAY IT.
- (doorbell rings)
- EXCUSE ME.
HI, JACK. REMEMBER ME?
RITA! OF COURSE.
I NEVER FORGET A
BOD... A FACE. COME ON IN.
- I'VE COME TO TAKE YOU UP
ON YOUR OFFER.
- MY OFFER?!
YEAH, DON'T YOU REMEMBER?
AT LARRY'S PARTY. YOU SAID,
"RITA, ANY NIGHT
YOU FEEL RESTLESS
AND LONELY, YOU COME ON OVER."
(moans) OH, YEAH.
HI. I'M LAURIE.
OH, YES, I... LAURIE'S
LIVING DOWNSTAIRS.
WE'VE JUST HAD DINNER TOGETHER.
OH, HOW SWEET.
WELL, NOW THAT
SHE'S HAD HER DIN-DIN,
DON'T YOU THINK SHE
SHOULD BE RUNNING ALONG?
OH, YES. LAURIE, IT'S TIME
FOR THE GROWN-UPS
TO HAVE DESSERT.
I ENJOYED THIS EVENING, JACK.
YES, IT'S GOING TO BE WONDERFUL.
RITA, WOULD YOU LIKE TO MAKE
YOURSELF COMFORTABLE ON THE COUCH?
- I THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER ASK.
- (nervous laughter)
- WELL...
- (giggles)
- DO YOU MIND? I'M A RIGHTY.
- OH.
(clears throat) YOU
KNOW, JACK...
I'M FROM THE SCHOOL
THAT SAYS THAT
IF YOU REALLY
ATTRACTED TO SOMEBODY
WELL, YOU SHOULD KIND OF LIKE
GIVE YOURSELF TO HIM TOTALLY.
THAT'S A GOOD SCHOOL.
- (doorbell rings)
- GO AWAY.
- (doorbell rings)
- GO AWAY!
- YOU BETTER ANSWER IT.
- (groans)
I WANTED TO KNOW IF YOU WOULD LIKE
TO GO FOR AN ICE-CREAM SODA LATER.
THAT'S VERY NICE OF YOU,
LAURIE, BUT NOT TONIGHT.
RITA AND I HAVE A LOT
OF HOMEWORK TO DO.
- NOW WHERE WAS I?
- ON THE RIGHT TRACK, JACK.
- OH, YEAH?
- (doorbell rings)
- WHAT?!
- I FORGOT MY KEYS.
I... HOPE I DIDN'T DISTURB YOU.
- THIS IS GETTING RIDICULOUS.
- NO, NO, RITA.
I'LL LOCK THE DOOR.
IT'S LOCKED, OKAY?
(panting)
- (coughs) LOVELY RITA.
- (chuckles)
(Rita moans)
I TOOK YOUR KEY BY MISTAKE.
- THAT DOES IT.
- WAIT. RITA, HANG ON.
- RITA, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
- SOMEWHERE WHERE THERE'S
LESS TRAFFIC,
- LIKE ON
THE HOLLYWOOD FREEWAY.
- RITA...
GEE, SHE LEFT SO SUDDENLY.
- DO YOU THINK SHE WAS
ANXIOUS TO GO TO BED?
- I'M POSITIVE.
THIS SURELY ISN'T MY NIGHT. I MEAN,
EVERYBODY IS RUNNING OUT ON ME!
I'D NEVER RUN OUT ON YOU, JACK.
I KNOW. YOU JUST
KEEP RUNNING IN ON ME.
HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, ALL THE WAY
TO THE MARINA YACHT CLUB TO FIND OUT
- THEY WEREN'T EVEN
HAVING A BARBECUE!
- THEY WEREN'T?
- Chrissy and Janet: NO!
- Janet: WE CALLED
DR. BICKMAN,
HE SAID HE DIDN'T KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT A TELEGRAM.
THE WHOLE THING WAS A FAKE!
WELL, THAT'S TERRIBLE!
I WONDER WHO SAID IT.
WHAT A ROTTEN TRICK, ALL THE WAY TO
THE MARINA YACHT CLUB FOR NOTHING.
OH, YEAH. BOY, CHRISSY,
WE SHOULD HAVE STAYED AT
HOME LIKE WE PLANNED WITH JACK.
YEAH, WE NEVER
SHOULD'VE LEFT YOU, JACK.
NO, NOT AFTER YOU WORKED
SO HARD ON THAT TURKEY.
OH, WELL, I MUST ADMIT...
I DID GET QUITE DEPRESSED.
IN FACT, I'VE DEVELOPED
A SPLITTING HEADACHE.
- Chrissy: OH.
- Janet: OH, POOR BABY.
YEAH. JANET, WOULD
YOU DO ME A FAVOR?
COULD YOU RUB MY TEMPLES?
IT WOULD FEEL SO SOOTHING.
OH, MY PLEASURE.
- AND CHRISSY, WOULD YOU MIND
MASSAGING MY TOES?
- OH, SURE.
I'VE BEEN STANDING IN
FRONT OF A HOT STOVE...
(grunts) THAT FEELS SO GOOD!
JACK, CAN YOU EVER FORGIVE
US FOR LEAVING YOU ALONE?
OH, JACK WASN'T ALONE.
WE HAD DINNER TOGETHER.
- Chrissy: OH.
- OH, THAT'S NICE.
IT WAS DELICIOUS.
WE HAD TURKEY AND
STUFFING, MASHED POTATOES...
- AND RITA.
- Chrissy: RITA?
RITA? IS THAT A DISH?
- SHE SURE IS.
- Janet: SHE...?
- Jack: NO...
- Janet: JACK!
(plates jingle)
(screams) MY KNEE!
ALL RIGHT, JACK.
COME ON, WHO IS RITA?
WELL, IT'S... RITA MARIE BUT I BARELY
HAD ANY TIME TO SPEAK TO HER.
- ISN'T THAT RIGHT, LAURIE?
- THAT'S RIGHT.
IT'S HARD TO TALK
WHEN YOU'RE KISSING.
OH. CHRISSY, IF YOU HAD
A DATE AND YOU WANTED
TO GET RID OF YOUR ROOMMATES
IN A BIG HURRY,
WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
YELL, "FIRE!"
NO, CHRISSY. YOU
WOULD SEND A TELEGRAM.
BUT WHAT IF THE PLACE BURNED
DOWN BEFORE IT WAS DELIVERED?
CHRISSY!
JACK IS THE ONE WHO
SENT US THAT TELEGRAM!
YOU MEAN, HE IS "YOU KNOW WHO"?
YES. AND HE'S ALSO
A "YOU KNOW WHAT"!
WAIT A MINUTE, WHY WOULD
I DO A THING LIKE THAT?
BECAUSE YOU WANTED TO BE
ALONE WITH YOUR PRECIOUS RITA.
WHY WOULD I WANNA
BE ALONE WITH RITA?
- BECAUSE SHE WAS
RESTLESS AND LONELY.
- DON'T HELP ME, LAURIE.
WELL, JACK, IF YOU ARE
SO ANXIOUS TO BE ALONE,
CHRISSY AND I WILL
GLADLY LEAVE YOU ALONE.
- LET'S GO DOWN AND EAT
AT THE REGAL BEAGLE.
- WAIT A MINUTE,
BUT... BUT THERE'S
PLENTY OF TURKEY LEFT.
JACK, WE WOULDN'T TOUCH
YOUR TURKEY WITH A 10-FOOT FORK.
CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT,
THEM ACCUSING ME OF A
CHILDISH TRICK LIKE THAT?
- YOU'RE BETTER
OFF WITHOUT THEM.
- YOU'RE DARN RIGHT I AM!
I KNOW. THAT'S WHY I
SENT THE TELEGRAM.
YOU?! YOU SENT
THE TELEGRAM? WHY?
I WANTED TO BE ALONE WITH YOU.
- OKAY, LAURIE,
YOU'RE COMING WITH ME.
- WHERE'RE YOU TAKING ME?
YOU'RE GONNA TELL JANET AND
CHRISSY THAT YOU SENT THAT TELEGRAM.
NO. NO, I'LL NEVER TELL.
YES, YOU WILL. OR ELSE THERE'S
GONNA BE SOME BIG TROUBLE.
WHY ARE YOU GETTING SO MAD?
I ONLY DID IT 'CAUSE I LOVE YOU.
LAURIE, I THINK YOU AND I
BETTER HAVE A LITTLE TALK.
SIT DOWN.
YOU KNOW, LAURIE... MOVE OVER.
THE OTHER WAY.
NOW, COME ON,
LAURIE, LISTEN TO ME.
YOU KNOW...
IN LIFE, THERE ARE... ALL
DIFFERENT KINDS OF LOVE.
YOU LOVE YOUR MOMMY, YOU LOVE
YOUR FRIENDS, YOU LOVE YOUR DOG...
I DON'T HAVE A
DOG. I HAVE A CAT.
- OKAY, YOU LOVE YOUR CAT...
- I HATE MY CAT.
LAURIE, LAURIE...
HOW OLD ARE YOU?
- 13.
- I'M ALMOST
TWICE YOUR AGE.
DON'T WORRY. I'LL CATCH UP.
- WHAT?
- WELL,
WHEN I'M 26, YOU'LL ONLY BE 39.
AND THAT'S ONLY AS HALF AS OLD.
NO, LAURIE. WHAT
I'M TRYING TO SAY...
AND WHEN YOU'RE
80, I'LL ONLY BE 67
SO I'LL BE ABLE TO
TAKE CARE OF YOU.
OH, THAT'S VERY NICE... NO,
BUT... BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT.
LAURIE, WHAT I'M
TRYING TO SAY IS,
RIGHT NOW YOU'RE TOO YOUNG
TO KNOW WHAT REAL LOVE IS.
WHAT IS REAL LOVE?
REAL LOVE IS... WELL, WHEN YOU
CARE ABOUT A PERSON SO MUCH
YOU'D RATHER BE WITH THEM
THAN ANYBODY IN THE WHOLE WORLD.
THEN I LOVE YOU.
OH, THAT'S SO SWEET... LAURIE.
AND... AND I THANK YOU, BUT...
SEE, THE PROBLEM...
THE THING IS...
IS... IS... THAT I
DON'T LOVE YOU.
- THAT'LL COME IN TIME.
- NO, IT WON'T.
LAURIE, I'M OLDER THAN YOU,
SO YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO ME!
NOW, COME ON. LOOK, LOOK...
THIS IS NOT GONNA LAST.
IT'S NO GOOD BETWEEN US, LAURIE.
YOU WILL FORGET ALL ABOUT ME.
- I'LL NEVER FORGET YOU.
- YES, YOU WILL.
I'LL NEVER FORGET YOU,
NOT AS LONG AS I LIVE.
YOUNG LADY, YOU'RE
COMING WITH ME
AND YOU'RE TELLING JANET AND
CHRISSY EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID
OR YOU MAY NOT LIVE THAT LONG.
- I JUST LOVE A MAN
WHO'S FORCEFUL.
- MOVE.
- OH, THANK YOU.
- OH, THANK YOU.
CHRISSY, I'M SO HUNGRY
I COULD EAT A HORSE.
I'M SO HUNGRY I
COULD EAT ITS SADDLE.
I THINK WE ARE.
- GEE WHIZ, - WHAT
A DAY THIS HAS BEEN!
JANET, CHRISSY, I'VE GOT
SOMETHING TO SAY TO YOU.
WELL, WE HAVE NOTHING TO SAY
TO YOU, MR. BIG TELEGRAM SENDER.
ALL RIGHT. COME ON, MOVE
OVER. JANET, MOVE OVER.
SIT DOWN, LAURIE. MOVE OVER.
CHRISSY, MOVE OVER.
NOW...
YOU HAVE SHUNNED ME. YOU
HAVE DEFAMED MY CHARACTER.
YOU HAVE ACCUSED ME, BUT NOW
YOU'RE GOING TO EAT THOSE WORDS,
BECAUSE LITTLE LAURIE HERE HAS SOMETHING
TO SAY ABOUT WHO REALLY SENT THAT TELEGRAM.
GO AHEAD, LAURIE.
TELL THEM WHO SENT IT.
GOSH, JACK, IF
YOU DIDN'T SEND IT,
I DON'T KNOW WHO DID.
- LAURIE, YOU SENT THAT
TELEGRAM! GO TELL THEM.
- Janet: JACK!
- IT WAS HER.
- THAT'S AWFUL! TRYING
TO BLAME AN INNOCENT GIRL!
JACK, I DIDN'T EVEN THINK THAT
YOU COULD STOOP THAT LOW.
- LET'S GO, CHRISSY.
- NOW WAIT A SECOND...
- JACK, FORGET IT.
- CHRISSY, CHRISSY,
YOU BELIEVE ME, DON'T YOU?
YOU PROMISED ME THAT
YOU WERE GONNA TELL THEM.
A WOMAN HAS A RIGHT
TO CHANGE HER MIND.
(laughs)
(mocking laugh)
MAKE A WISH.
GOOD MORNING.
JANET, CAN I HAVE PART
OF THAT PAPER, PLEASE?
MAY I INFORM YOU, MS. WOOD,
THAT I PAY FOR ONE
THIRD OF THAT NEWSPAPER?
- (sighs)
- (thumps)
THAT'S VERY FUNNY. DON'T YOU
THINK THIS IS GETTING RIDICULOUS?
JACK, WE ARE NOT
TALKING TO YOU TODAY.
GIRL... THIS IS GETTING
OUT OF HAND NOW.
- COME ON NOW.
- DID YOU HEAR ME, JACK?
WE ARE NOT TALKING TO
YOU TODAY. RIGHT, CHRISSY?
CHRISSY? IT'S
OKAY TO TALK TO ME.
OH. RIGHT.
(doorbell rings)
OH, HI. JACK, COULD WE
SEE YOU FOR A MINUTE?
SURE, COME IN.
STANLEY AND I HAVE HAD A
NICE, LONG TALK WITH LAURIE
AND SHE HAS SOMETHING
THAT SHE WANTS TO SAY TO YOU.
COME ON, KID, SPILL IT.
I WAS THE ONE WHO
SENT THAT TELEGRAM.
SEE? WHAT DID I TELL YOU?
YOU DID?
- BUT WHY?
- I JUST WANTED TO BE
ALONE WITH JACK.
YEAH, BUT SENDING A TELEGRAM
WAS A ROTTEN THING TO DO.
I'LL SAY... SHE CHARGED
IT TO MY PHONE.
IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE.
I'LL SAY... $7.50.
THAT WASN'T VERY NICE.
- I'LL SAY... SHE...
- YOU'VE SAID ENOUGH.
- I'M SORRY.
- Janet: OH, WELL...
DON'T YOU THINK YOU'RE ALL
BEING A LITTLE ROUGH ON LAURIE?
SO SHE'S YOUNG
AND IMPRESSIONABLE
AND SHE HAPPENED TO FALL
IN LOVE WITH THE KID HERE.
I MEAN, WHO CAN BLAME HER?
WHILE WE'RE TALKING ABOUT
LOVE, I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU.
- UH-HUH.
- I LIKE YOU VERY MUCH,
BUT I NEED SOMEONE
WHO'S A LITTLE MORE MATURE.
- OH, REALLY?
- OH, IT'S OKAY. I ALREADY FOUND SOMEONE.
- YOU DID?
- YEAH. ALBERT.
- Chrissy: ALBERT?
- HEY ALBERT,
YOU CAN COME UP NOW.
EVERYBODY, THIS IS ALBERT.
- HI.
- All: HI.
ALBERT, THIS IS JACK, THE
MAN I WAS INVOLVED WITH.
- HI, ALBERT.
- WHAT'S HAPPENING?
OH, FINE, THANK YOU.
DON'T TAKE THIS TOO HARD,
I'M SURE YOU'LL FIND
YOURSELF ANOTHER OLD LADY.
- YOU THINK SO?
- SURE.
COME ON, LET'S GO SKATEBOARD.
- Laurie: CAN'T WE
GO TO THE BEACH?
- SKATEBOARDING.
I JUST LOVE A MAN
WHO'S FORCEFUL.
WOMEN.
KIDS... THEY'RE IMPOSSIBLE.
OH, COME ON, STANLEY,
YOU WERE A KID ONCE.
WEREN'T YOU?
YOU CAN'T BLAME LAURIE
FOR HAVING A CRUSH ON JACK.
(Jack chuckles) YEAH,
BETWEEN YOU AND ME,
ISN'T IT LOVE CRAZY?
BETWEEN YOU AND ME,
IT WOULD BE RIDICULOUS.
(theme music playing)
Ritter's voice: THREE'S
COMPANY WAS VIDEOTAPED
IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.
♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪
♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪
♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪
♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪
♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE
HERS AND HERS AND HIS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪
♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
♪ WE'VE A LOVABLE SPACE
THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ YOU'LL SEE THAT
LIFE IS A BALL AGAIN ♪
♪ LAUGHTER IS CALLING FOR YOU ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO. ♪
OKAY, CHRISSY, WE HAVE EVERYTHING
THAT WE NEED. NOW WHAT DO WE DO NEXT?
PLACE TOM TURKEY IN A
SHALLOW ROASTING PAN.
RIGHT. HERE.
- OKAY.
- HERE YOU GO, TOM.
THERE, YOU OLD GUY.
- HI, WHAT ARE
YOU GIRLS DOING?
- HI, JACK.
WE DECIDED THAT IT
WAS JUST ABOUT TIME
WE COOKED DINNER
FOR YOU FOR A CHANGE.
THAT SHOULD BE INTERESTING.
WHAT ARE YOU MAKING?
- ROAST TURKEY.
- I'M JUST RUBBING
THE LEMON ON IT.
CHRISSY. CHRISSY, EXCUSE ME.
YOU HAVE TO CUT THE LEMON FIRST.
THIS IS CALLED "A
KNIFE," YOU SEE?
AND YOU PUT IT ON TOP
AND YOU PUSH DOWN...
THAT IS CALLED
"CUTTING THE LEMON."
THEN YOU ALWAYS RUB
THE LEMON ON THE TURKEY
IN THE DIRECTION
THE FEATHERS GROW.
NEVER RUB AGAINST THE GRAIN.
ALWAYS DO IT THIS WAY. GOT IT?
- LET ME SEE.
- GO AHEAD.
- THANK YOU. LIKE THIS? - YEAH.
HEY, ALL RIGHT. CHRISSY, WANNA
SPRINKLE ON THE GARLIC POWDER?
YOU DON'T USE GARLIC POWDER!
LET ME SEE. THIS IS SAGE, RIGHT.
YOU PUT THE SAGE ON FIRST
AND YOU HAVE TO WORK
IT IN EVER SO GENTLY.
LIKE THAT, YOU SEE?
AND THEN YOU PUT THE BUTTER
ON TO MAKE THE SKIN REAL CRISP...
NEVER... NEVER BRUISE THE SKIN.
LISTEN, I REALLY WANT
TO THANK BOTH OF YOU
FOR COOKING DINNER
FOR ME LIKE THIS.
OH, JACK, IT WAS
NO TROUBLE AT ALL.
THANKS. DON'T GET UP.
(doorbell rings)
- OH, HI. COME ON IN.
- HI, CHRISSY, HI.
JANET, LISTEN, STANLEY
AND I WERE WONDERING
IF YOU COULD DO US A FAVOR.
- SURE, WHAT IS IT?
- THIS FRIEND OF MINE
JUST GOT MARRIED,
AND SHE LEFT HER
LITTLE GIRL WITH US
WHILE SHE WENT ON HER HONEYMOON.
- UH-HUH?
- OH, THIS IS
HER SECOND MARRIAGE.
- ANYWAY, THIS LITTLE GIRL...
- ALL SHE DOES IS MOPE AROUND THE HOUSE.
AND SHE... SHE IS JUST SO UPSET
ABOUT HER MOTHER
GETTING REMARRIED.
SHE'S THE SWEETEST
LITTLE GIRL, BUT SO SAD.
WE'VE DONE EVERYTHING TO
TRY TO CHEER HER UP, BUT...
I EVEN PLAYED MY BUGLE.
SO, ANYWAY, I THOUGHT THAT
YOU GIRLS, BEING YOUNGER,
WOULD... HAVE BETTER LUCK.
- WELL, WE'RE HAPPY
TO HELP, MRS. ROPER.
- SURE.
OH, GOOD, GOOD.
POOR LITTLE THING,
SHE'S JUST SITTING OUT THERE
ON THE STEPS, SO DEPRESSED.
YEAH, NO ENTHUSIASM,
NO ENERGY, NO INTEREST...
I'VE NEVER SEEN
ANYTHING LIKE IT.
DO YOU EVER SEE YOURSELF
WALK INTO THE BEDROOM?
LAURIE. LAURIE,
COME ON IN, HONEY.
I WANT YOU TO MEET
SOME FRIENDS OF MINE.
- THIS IS CHRISSY.
- HI, LAURIE.
- HI.
- AND THIS IS JANET.
- HOW DO YOU DO?
- HI.
NOW, WHY DON'T YOU JUST
STAY AND VISIT FOR A WHILE
AND THEN THIS AFTERNOON
UNCLE STANLEY CAN
TAKE YOU TO THE ZOO.
THANK YOU, BUT I DON'T
WANNA GO TO THE ZOO.
I DON'T WANNA GO
TO THE ZOO EITHER.
WELL, HOW ABOUT A PONY RIDE?
OOH, NOW YOU'RE TALKING!
LOOK, I'LL GO FIX YOU LUNCH,
WHILE YOU GIRLS GET ACQUAINTED,
- OKAY? COME ON, STANLEY.
- WHOO, A PONY RIDE, WOW.
- WOULD YOU LIKE
TO SIT DOWN, LAURIE?
- THANK YOU.
SURE. THAT'S A
PRETTY GOOD COUCH.
(clears throat) SO
YOU'RE LAURIE?
MM-HMM.
OH, WHAT A DUMB
THING FOR ME TO SAY,
"SO YOU'RE LAURIE?" I MEAN,
WHO ELSE WOULD YOU BE, RIGHT?
(Janet giggles)
HEY, I HAVE THE LATEST
PETER FRAMPTON ALBUM.
- DO YOU WANT TO HEAR IT?
- NOT ESPECIALLY.
- OH.
- Janet: OH.
WELL... WHOO, WHOO,
JACK, YOU HAVE GOT TO MEET JACK.
- JACK.
- HA!
CAREFUL, I ALMOST
SCORCHED MY GIBLETS.
- WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
- WELL... I'M VERY SORRY.
I'M VERY SORRY, BUT WE HAVE KIND
OF AN EMERGENCY IN THE OTHER ROOM.
THERE'S THIS LITTLE
GIRL, HER NAME IS LAURIE...
WELL, HER MOMMY
JUST GOT REMARRIED...
- HOW OLD ARE YOU, LAURIE?
- I'M 13.
REALLY? WHEN I WAS
YOUR AGE, I WAS 13 TOO.
(sobbing)
- IS THAT LAURIE?
- OH, YES, JACK. THIS IS LAURIE.
HELLO, LAURIE, I'M VERY
HAPPY TO MEET YOU.
WHY ARE YOU CRYING?
I WAS JUST SLICING SOME
ONIONS IN THE KITCHEN...
(hiccups) EXCUSE ME.
(sobbing continues)
I FOOLED YOU. IT'S
ONLY A SPONGE.
YOU'RE FUNNY.
- THANK YOU.
- THANKS, JACK.
- DO YOU DO THE COOKING HERE?
- YEAH, BUT NOT ONLY
THE COOKING,
I'M ALSO THE NURSE
OF THE HOUSEHOLD.
(high-pitched voice) HELLO,
LITTLE GIRL, HOW ARE YOU?
- LET'S CHECK
YOUR TEMPERATURE.
- (Laurie laughs)
OH, YOU'RE SUFFERING FROM
A LOOSE MICKEY MOUSE WATCH.
AND SOMETIMES I EVEN DANCE.
♪ KNEE-KNEE KNEE-KNEE KNEE-KNEE
KNEE-KNEE ♪ KNEE... GET IT? KNEE.
BUT, BEST OF ALL... AT MIDNIGHT,
I CLIMB OUT OF MY COFFIN...
(screeching) AND I
TURN INTO A VAMPIRE.
(mimics flapping)
OH, LOOK, A BLOND NECK!
- WHAT A LOVELY NECK
YOU HAVE, MY DARLING.
- JACK...
- (chewing, spitting)
- COME ON, JACK.
HA-HA! BOY, I'M GLAD TO SEE
YOU ALL ARE GETTING
ALONG SO WELL,
ESPECIALLY JACK AND CHRISSY.
OH, MRS. ROPER, I WAS JUST SHOWING
LAURIE WHAT I DO AROUND HERE.
STANLEY ONLY FIXES TOILETS.
I GOT YOUR LUNCH
READY. COME ON, HONEY.
- CAN'T I STAY A LITTLE LONGER?
- YOU CAN COME BACK
THIS AFTERNOON.
- OH, GREAT!
- BYE, LAURIE.
HEY, LAURIE, IT WAS REALLY
NICE MEETING YOU. WE...
I REALLY LIKED
MEETING YOU, JACK.
IT WAS A PLEASURE
TO MEET YOU, MILADY.
- Jack: BYE-BYE.
- Laurie: BYE.
WOW! THAT LITTLE
GIRL LOOKED AT YOU
LIKE YOU WERE ROBERT REDFORD.
OH, WELL, A LOT OF PEOPLE
NOTICE THE RESEMBLANCE.
HEY...
- WHOO, WHOO, WHOO.
- NO!
IT'S SO NICE AND COZY.
IT'S JUST THE THREE OF US
SPENDING A QUIET
EVENING TOGETHER.
YEAH, WAITING FOR A
DELICIOUS TURKEY DINNER.
- (phone rings)
- OH, I'LL GET IT.
I'M WATCHING YOU.
HELLO. OH, YEAH. CAN YOU
HOLD ON WHILE I GET A PENCIL?
OKAY, GO AHEAD.
MM-HMM. UH-HUH.
- ARE YOU GONNA JUMP HER?
- MAYBE, BUT FIRST LET'S
FINISH THE CHESS GAME.
OKAY. WOW, LIST...
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
BYE.
CHRISSY, CHRISSY, LISTEN
TO THIS TELEGRAM. (clears throat)
"JANET AND CHRISSY, YOU
ARE INVITED TO A BARBECUE
AT THE MARINA YACHT CLUB
AT 8:00 O'CLOCK SHARP TONIGHT.
HOPE YOU CAN MAKE IT.
SIGNED, YOU KNOW WHO."
THE MARINA YACHT CLUB?! I'VE
ALWAYS WANTED TO GO THERE!
WELL, WHO'S "YOU KNOW WHO"?
I DON'T KNOW WHO.
DON'T YOU KNOW WHO?
NO, I DON'T KNOW "YOU KNOW
WHO," I KNOW "GUESS WHO."
IT'S JANET AND COSTELLO.
- YIPPY, I KNOW WHO
"YOU KNOW WHO" IS.
- Janet: WHO?
- IT'S DR. BICKMAN,
OUR DENTIST.
- WHAT?!
YOU KNOW, IT'S
TIME FOR A CLEANING.
HE ALWAYS CALLS AND
SAYS, "THIS IS YOU KNOW WHO.
COME ON IN AND
GET RID OF THE GOO."
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. AND HE
DOES BELONG TO THE YACHT CLUB.
YES! 8:00 O'CLOCK,
WE CAN JUST MAKE IT.
OH, CHRISSY. I CAN'T BELIEVE
IT... THE MARINA YACHT CLUB?
HEY, LISTEN, YOU THINK
WE ARE DRESSED OKAY?
IT'S ONLY A BARBECUE. COME ON.
- YOU MEAN YOU'RE GOING?
- OH, ARE YOU KIDDING?
DO YOU THINK WE'RE GONNA
TURN DOWN AN INVITATION LIKE THIS?
- WHAT ABOUT THE TURKEY?
- SORRY, BUT THEY ONLY
INVITED US.
Janet: BYE, LAURIE.
- HI, JACK.
- HI.
- AM I INTERRUPTING DINNER?
- NO, IN FACT YOU'RE GONNA
HELP ME EAT IT.
- OH, THAT WILL
BE WONDERFUL.
- COME ON.
BOY, THAT IS A VINTAGE COW.
JACK, YOU'RE THE BEST
COOK IN THE WHOLE WORLD.
OH, YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY THAT.
- BUT IT'S TRUE.
- I KNOW, BUT YOU DON'T
HAVE TO SAY IT.
- (doorbell rings)
- EXCUSE ME.
HI, JACK. REMEMBER ME?
RITA! OF COURSE.
I NEVER FORGET A
BOD... A FACE. COME ON IN.
- I'VE COME TO TAKE YOU UP
ON YOUR OFFER.
- MY OFFER?!
YEAH, DON'T YOU REMEMBER?
AT LARRY'S PARTY. YOU SAID,
"RITA, ANY NIGHT
YOU FEEL RESTLESS
AND LONELY, YOU COME ON OVER."
(moans) OH, YEAH.
HI. I'M LAURIE.
OH, YES, I... LAURIE'S
LIVING DOWNSTAIRS.
WE'VE JUST HAD DINNER TOGETHER.
OH, HOW SWEET.
WELL, NOW THAT
SHE'S HAD HER DIN-DIN,
DON'T YOU THINK SHE
SHOULD BE RUNNING ALONG?
OH, YES. LAURIE, IT'S TIME
FOR THE GROWN-UPS
TO HAVE DESSERT.
I ENJOYED THIS EVENING, JACK.
YES, IT'S GOING TO BE WONDERFUL.
RITA, WOULD YOU LIKE TO MAKE
YOURSELF COMFORTABLE ON THE COUCH?
- I THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER ASK.
- (nervous laughter)
- WELL...
- (giggles)
- DO YOU MIND? I'M A RIGHTY.
- OH.
(clears throat) YOU
KNOW, JACK...
I'M FROM THE SCHOOL
THAT SAYS THAT
IF YOU REALLY
ATTRACTED TO SOMEBODY
WELL, YOU SHOULD KIND OF LIKE
GIVE YOURSELF TO HIM TOTALLY.
THAT'S A GOOD SCHOOL.
- (doorbell rings)
- GO AWAY.
- (doorbell rings)
- GO AWAY!
- YOU BETTER ANSWER IT.
- (groans)
I WANTED TO KNOW IF YOU WOULD LIKE
TO GO FOR AN ICE-CREAM SODA LATER.
THAT'S VERY NICE OF YOU,
LAURIE, BUT NOT TONIGHT.
RITA AND I HAVE A LOT
OF HOMEWORK TO DO.
- NOW WHERE WAS I?
- ON THE RIGHT TRACK, JACK.
- OH, YEAH?
- (doorbell rings)
- WHAT?!
- I FORGOT MY KEYS.
I... HOPE I DIDN'T DISTURB YOU.
- THIS IS GETTING RIDICULOUS.
- NO, NO, RITA.
I'LL LOCK THE DOOR.
IT'S LOCKED, OKAY?
(panting)
- (coughs) LOVELY RITA.
- (chuckles)
(Rita moans)
I TOOK YOUR KEY BY MISTAKE.
- THAT DOES IT.
- WAIT. RITA, HANG ON.
- RITA, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
- SOMEWHERE WHERE THERE'S
LESS TRAFFIC,
- LIKE ON
THE HOLLYWOOD FREEWAY.
- RITA...
GEE, SHE LEFT SO SUDDENLY.
- DO YOU THINK SHE WAS
ANXIOUS TO GO TO BED?
- I'M POSITIVE.
THIS SURELY ISN'T MY NIGHT. I MEAN,
EVERYBODY IS RUNNING OUT ON ME!
I'D NEVER RUN OUT ON YOU, JACK.
I KNOW. YOU JUST
KEEP RUNNING IN ON ME.
HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, ALL THE WAY
TO THE MARINA YACHT CLUB TO FIND OUT
- THEY WEREN'T EVEN
HAVING A BARBECUE!
- THEY WEREN'T?
- Chrissy and Janet: NO!
- Janet: WE CALLED
DR. BICKMAN,
HE SAID HE DIDN'T KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT A TELEGRAM.
THE WHOLE THING WAS A FAKE!
WELL, THAT'S TERRIBLE!
I WONDER WHO SAID IT.
WHAT A ROTTEN TRICK, ALL THE WAY TO
THE MARINA YACHT CLUB FOR NOTHING.
OH, YEAH. BOY, CHRISSY,
WE SHOULD HAVE STAYED AT
HOME LIKE WE PLANNED WITH JACK.
YEAH, WE NEVER
SHOULD'VE LEFT YOU, JACK.
NO, NOT AFTER YOU WORKED
SO HARD ON THAT TURKEY.
OH, WELL, I MUST ADMIT...
I DID GET QUITE DEPRESSED.
IN FACT, I'VE DEVELOPED
A SPLITTING HEADACHE.
- Chrissy: OH.
- Janet: OH, POOR BABY.
YEAH. JANET, WOULD
YOU DO ME A FAVOR?
COULD YOU RUB MY TEMPLES?
IT WOULD FEEL SO SOOTHING.
OH, MY PLEASURE.
- AND CHRISSY, WOULD YOU MIND
MASSAGING MY TOES?
- OH, SURE.
I'VE BEEN STANDING IN
FRONT OF A HOT STOVE...
(grunts) THAT FEELS SO GOOD!
JACK, CAN YOU EVER FORGIVE
US FOR LEAVING YOU ALONE?
OH, JACK WASN'T ALONE.
WE HAD DINNER TOGETHER.
- Chrissy: OH.
- OH, THAT'S NICE.
IT WAS DELICIOUS.
WE HAD TURKEY AND
STUFFING, MASHED POTATOES...
- AND RITA.
- Chrissy: RITA?
RITA? IS THAT A DISH?
- SHE SURE IS.
- Janet: SHE...?
- Jack: NO...
- Janet: JACK!
(plates jingle)
(screams) MY KNEE!
ALL RIGHT, JACK.
COME ON, WHO IS RITA?
WELL, IT'S... RITA MARIE BUT I BARELY
HAD ANY TIME TO SPEAK TO HER.
- ISN'T THAT RIGHT, LAURIE?
- THAT'S RIGHT.
IT'S HARD TO TALK
WHEN YOU'RE KISSING.
OH. CHRISSY, IF YOU HAD
A DATE AND YOU WANTED
TO GET RID OF YOUR ROOMMATES
IN A BIG HURRY,
WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
YELL, "FIRE!"
NO, CHRISSY. YOU
WOULD SEND A TELEGRAM.
BUT WHAT IF THE PLACE BURNED
DOWN BEFORE IT WAS DELIVERED?
CHRISSY!
JACK IS THE ONE WHO
SENT US THAT TELEGRAM!
YOU MEAN, HE IS "YOU KNOW WHO"?
YES. AND HE'S ALSO
A "YOU KNOW WHAT"!
WAIT A MINUTE, WHY WOULD
I DO A THING LIKE THAT?
BECAUSE YOU WANTED TO BE
ALONE WITH YOUR PRECIOUS RITA.
WHY WOULD I WANNA
BE ALONE WITH RITA?
- BECAUSE SHE WAS
RESTLESS AND LONELY.
- DON'T HELP ME, LAURIE.
WELL, JACK, IF YOU ARE
SO ANXIOUS TO BE ALONE,
CHRISSY AND I WILL
GLADLY LEAVE YOU ALONE.
- LET'S GO DOWN AND EAT
AT THE REGAL BEAGLE.
- WAIT A MINUTE,
BUT... BUT THERE'S
PLENTY OF TURKEY LEFT.
JACK, WE WOULDN'T TOUCH
YOUR TURKEY WITH A 10-FOOT FORK.
CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT,
THEM ACCUSING ME OF A
CHILDISH TRICK LIKE THAT?
- YOU'RE BETTER
OFF WITHOUT THEM.
- YOU'RE DARN RIGHT I AM!
I KNOW. THAT'S WHY I
SENT THE TELEGRAM.
YOU?! YOU SENT
THE TELEGRAM? WHY?
I WANTED TO BE ALONE WITH YOU.
- OKAY, LAURIE,
YOU'RE COMING WITH ME.
- WHERE'RE YOU TAKING ME?
YOU'RE GONNA TELL JANET AND
CHRISSY THAT YOU SENT THAT TELEGRAM.
NO. NO, I'LL NEVER TELL.
YES, YOU WILL. OR ELSE THERE'S
GONNA BE SOME BIG TROUBLE.
WHY ARE YOU GETTING SO MAD?
I ONLY DID IT 'CAUSE I LOVE YOU.
LAURIE, I THINK YOU AND I
BETTER HAVE A LITTLE TALK.
SIT DOWN.
YOU KNOW, LAURIE... MOVE OVER.
THE OTHER WAY.
NOW, COME ON,
LAURIE, LISTEN TO ME.
YOU KNOW...
IN LIFE, THERE ARE... ALL
DIFFERENT KINDS OF LOVE.
YOU LOVE YOUR MOMMY, YOU LOVE
YOUR FRIENDS, YOU LOVE YOUR DOG...
I DON'T HAVE A
DOG. I HAVE A CAT.
- OKAY, YOU LOVE YOUR CAT...
- I HATE MY CAT.
LAURIE, LAURIE...
HOW OLD ARE YOU?
- 13.
- I'M ALMOST
TWICE YOUR AGE.
DON'T WORRY. I'LL CATCH UP.
- WHAT?
- WELL,
WHEN I'M 26, YOU'LL ONLY BE 39.
AND THAT'S ONLY AS HALF AS OLD.
NO, LAURIE. WHAT
I'M TRYING TO SAY...
AND WHEN YOU'RE
80, I'LL ONLY BE 67
SO I'LL BE ABLE TO
TAKE CARE OF YOU.
OH, THAT'S VERY NICE... NO,
BUT... BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT.
LAURIE, WHAT I'M
TRYING TO SAY IS,
RIGHT NOW YOU'RE TOO YOUNG
TO KNOW WHAT REAL LOVE IS.
WHAT IS REAL LOVE?
REAL LOVE IS... WELL, WHEN YOU
CARE ABOUT A PERSON SO MUCH
YOU'D RATHER BE WITH THEM
THAN ANYBODY IN THE WHOLE WORLD.
THEN I LOVE YOU.
OH, THAT'S SO SWEET... LAURIE.
AND... AND I THANK YOU, BUT...
SEE, THE PROBLEM...
THE THING IS...
IS... IS... THAT I
DON'T LOVE YOU.
- THAT'LL COME IN TIME.
- NO, IT WON'T.
LAURIE, I'M OLDER THAN YOU,
SO YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO ME!
NOW, COME ON. LOOK, LOOK...
THIS IS NOT GONNA LAST.
IT'S NO GOOD BETWEEN US, LAURIE.
YOU WILL FORGET ALL ABOUT ME.
- I'LL NEVER FORGET YOU.
- YES, YOU WILL.
I'LL NEVER FORGET YOU,
NOT AS LONG AS I LIVE.
YOUNG LADY, YOU'RE
COMING WITH ME
AND YOU'RE TELLING JANET AND
CHRISSY EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID
OR YOU MAY NOT LIVE THAT LONG.
- I JUST LOVE A MAN
WHO'S FORCEFUL.
- MOVE.
- OH, THANK YOU.
- OH, THANK YOU.
CHRISSY, I'M SO HUNGRY
I COULD EAT A HORSE.
I'M SO HUNGRY I
COULD EAT ITS SADDLE.
I THINK WE ARE.
- GEE WHIZ, - WHAT
A DAY THIS HAS BEEN!
JANET, CHRISSY, I'VE GOT
SOMETHING TO SAY TO YOU.
WELL, WE HAVE NOTHING TO SAY
TO YOU, MR. BIG TELEGRAM SENDER.
ALL RIGHT. COME ON, MOVE
OVER. JANET, MOVE OVER.
SIT DOWN, LAURIE. MOVE OVER.
CHRISSY, MOVE OVER.
NOW...
YOU HAVE SHUNNED ME. YOU
HAVE DEFAMED MY CHARACTER.
YOU HAVE ACCUSED ME, BUT NOW
YOU'RE GOING TO EAT THOSE WORDS,
BECAUSE LITTLE LAURIE HERE HAS SOMETHING
TO SAY ABOUT WHO REALLY SENT THAT TELEGRAM.
GO AHEAD, LAURIE.
TELL THEM WHO SENT IT.
GOSH, JACK, IF
YOU DIDN'T SEND IT,
I DON'T KNOW WHO DID.
- LAURIE, YOU SENT THAT
TELEGRAM! GO TELL THEM.
- Janet: JACK!
- IT WAS HER.
- THAT'S AWFUL! TRYING
TO BLAME AN INNOCENT GIRL!
JACK, I DIDN'T EVEN THINK THAT
YOU COULD STOOP THAT LOW.
- LET'S GO, CHRISSY.
- NOW WAIT A SECOND...
- JACK, FORGET IT.
- CHRISSY, CHRISSY,
YOU BELIEVE ME, DON'T YOU?
YOU PROMISED ME THAT
YOU WERE GONNA TELL THEM.
A WOMAN HAS A RIGHT
TO CHANGE HER MIND.
(laughs)
(mocking laugh)
MAKE A WISH.
GOOD MORNING.
JANET, CAN I HAVE PART
OF THAT PAPER, PLEASE?
MAY I INFORM YOU, MS. WOOD,
THAT I PAY FOR ONE
THIRD OF THAT NEWSPAPER?
- (sighs)
- (thumps)
THAT'S VERY FUNNY. DON'T YOU
THINK THIS IS GETTING RIDICULOUS?
JACK, WE ARE NOT
TALKING TO YOU TODAY.
GIRL... THIS IS GETTING
OUT OF HAND NOW.
- COME ON NOW.
- DID YOU HEAR ME, JACK?
WE ARE NOT TALKING TO
YOU TODAY. RIGHT, CHRISSY?
CHRISSY? IT'S
OKAY TO TALK TO ME.
OH. RIGHT.
(doorbell rings)
OH, HI. JACK, COULD WE
SEE YOU FOR A MINUTE?
SURE, COME IN.
STANLEY AND I HAVE HAD A
NICE, LONG TALK WITH LAURIE
AND SHE HAS SOMETHING
THAT SHE WANTS TO SAY TO YOU.
COME ON, KID, SPILL IT.
I WAS THE ONE WHO
SENT THAT TELEGRAM.
SEE? WHAT DID I TELL YOU?
YOU DID?
- BUT WHY?
- I JUST WANTED TO BE
ALONE WITH JACK.
YEAH, BUT SENDING A TELEGRAM
WAS A ROTTEN THING TO DO.
I'LL SAY... SHE CHARGED
IT TO MY PHONE.
IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE.
I'LL SAY... $7.50.
THAT WASN'T VERY NICE.
- I'LL SAY... SHE...
- YOU'VE SAID ENOUGH.
- I'M SORRY.
- Janet: OH, WELL...
DON'T YOU THINK YOU'RE ALL
BEING A LITTLE ROUGH ON LAURIE?
SO SHE'S YOUNG
AND IMPRESSIONABLE
AND SHE HAPPENED TO FALL
IN LOVE WITH THE KID HERE.
I MEAN, WHO CAN BLAME HER?
WHILE WE'RE TALKING ABOUT
LOVE, I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU.
- UH-HUH.
- I LIKE YOU VERY MUCH,
BUT I NEED SOMEONE
WHO'S A LITTLE MORE MATURE.
- OH, REALLY?
- OH, IT'S OKAY. I ALREADY FOUND SOMEONE.
- YOU DID?
- YEAH. ALBERT.
- Chrissy: ALBERT?
- HEY ALBERT,
YOU CAN COME UP NOW.
EVERYBODY, THIS IS ALBERT.
- HI.
- All: HI.
ALBERT, THIS IS JACK, THE
MAN I WAS INVOLVED WITH.
- HI, ALBERT.
- WHAT'S HAPPENING?
OH, FINE, THANK YOU.
DON'T TAKE THIS TOO HARD,
I'M SURE YOU'LL FIND
YOURSELF ANOTHER OLD LADY.
- YOU THINK SO?
- SURE.
COME ON, LET'S GO SKATEBOARD.
- Laurie: CAN'T WE
GO TO THE BEACH?
- SKATEBOARDING.
I JUST LOVE A MAN
WHO'S FORCEFUL.
WOMEN.
KIDS... THEY'RE IMPOSSIBLE.
OH, COME ON, STANLEY,
YOU WERE A KID ONCE.
WEREN'T YOU?
YOU CAN'T BLAME LAURIE
FOR HAVING A CRUSH ON JACK.
(Jack chuckles) YEAH,
BETWEEN YOU AND ME,
ISN'T IT LOVE CRAZY?
BETWEEN YOU AND ME,
IT WOULD BE RIDICULOUS.
(theme music playing)
Ritter's voice: THREE'S
COMPANY WAS VIDEOTAPED
IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.