Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 2, Episode 24 - Bird Song - full transcript

♪ Come and knock on our door ♪
♪ Come and knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪
♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ Where the kisses are
hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪
♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪
♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a lovable space
that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ You'll see that
life is a ball again ♪

♪ Laughter is calling for you ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪



♪ Three is company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous
Three is company too ♪♪

[ Riffling ] Well?

And now, ladies and gentlemen, a
hush falls over the whole of Las Vegas...

as Diamond Jack
Tripper, the gambling fool,

decides whether or not to risk his entire
fortune on the turn of a single card.

Hit me. And he's done it!

[ Groans ] Bust! Aw.

Hey, listen, speaking of
busts, how are you making out...

with that blonde in
your cooking class?

Inga, the Swedish girl?

- She's Swedish?
- Oh, yeah.

Look out! Huh. I mean, even
their sandwiches are topless.

Hurt me. Huh?



Hit me. Oh. Well, tell me, tell
me. Does she speak English?

I don't know. The only word I
ever heard her use was "No."

Oh, Jack, I'm
disappointed in you.

I mean, if you can't
score with a Swedish

chick, you might as
well turn in your badge.

I can't even get her to
go out with me. I'll stay.

You know, Swedish
girls are very polite.

When they go out with a guy, they
usually like to round off the evening...

by saying thank you in
the nicest possible way.

[ Sucking Air ]

Yeah, well, my life is all
"Please" and "No, thank you."

You ought to wine and dine her.

A beautiful fox like that is
not gonna say thank you...

for an Egg McMuffin and fries.

Twenty-one. Well, an Egg
McMuffin's all I can afford,

and I can't even
afford that now.

- Hi.
- Hey, babe.
- Hi, Janet.

Oh, Jack, you shouldn't
play cards with Larry.

He's a much better
cheat than you are.

I resent that remark. Oh?

And since I am three dollars
ahead, I think I shall leave.

Oh. Uh, Lar. Huh?

- Don't forget
your marked cards.
- Oh. Thanks.

I'll see you at The
Regal Beagle later.

Oh, Janet. Janet, Janet. It's
been such a lousy morning.

You're the only
one I can turn to. Oh!

Jack, please. I have been dealing
with maniac customers all morning.

Don't come to me for
sympathy. I don't want sympathy.

I want affection. Oh!
Well, uh, down, boy.

You like me better
than your boss, don't ya?

Well, yeah... Get up here.

Yes, Jack, I do, but what does
that have to do with anything?

Well, you gave up your whole
Saturday morning for him.

What I'm after
won't take that long.

Yes, it will. I am very
passionate. Are you?

Oh, yes.

Good morning, you two.
[ Muffled ] Good morning.

Hi, Chrissy. You're
gonna be late for work.

I have been to work,
Chrissy, and come back.

Really? How time flies
when you're asleep.

Well, I would gladly have
traded places with you.

But you don't get a bonus when
you're lying in bed, you know?

Not when you lock
the bedroom door.

A bonus? You wanna hear what
my boss gave me for a bonus...

for working late
every night this week...

and for coming in
on Saturday morning?

Two lousy tickets to a
Frank Sinatra concert.

Well, you can't win
'em... He gave you what?

You gotta be kidding! No, no.
Somebody gave them to him.

And he can't go, right? So he
gives them to me for a bonus.

Oh, Jack! They're for
tomorrow night, the front row! Oh!

Frank Sinatra's no Egg McMuffin.

Any girl would say thank
you for Frank Sinatra.

Well, not me, thank
you. You're joking?

No. I'm kinda into
Stevie Wonder myself.

Besides, I gotta wash my hair
tomorrow night. Instead of Frank Sinatra?

Let him wash his
own hair. [ Groans ]

Tell you what I'm
gonna do, Janet.

Seeing as how it's such a
shame to waste these tickets.

How about if I... You
and I could each have one.

Chrissy! I've got an
even better idea. What?

Why don't I take
both of them? No!

Would you just... Whoa,
whoa. Just one moment.

Now, [ Clears Throat ] let
me get this straight here.

You would each like
to have these tickets?

Yeah! Yes! Uh-uh-uh-uh.

I would like to
have a cup of coffee.

Coming up. My
department, I believe.

And I think that I would
like a cookie with that coffee.

I'll get that for you! Keep
your hands off my cookies.

Here you go, Janet dear.

Mmm! Well, thank you, Jack dear.

Could I do something for you? Maybe I
could make your bed. I already made it.

Well, I could mess it up
and make it for you again.

Uh, Janet, uh,

how about if I put your poor
little tired feet up for you? Ah!

I could do that too. Aah!

Here you are, Janet. There's
your coffee, just like you like it...

Strong, with one sugar.

You expect me to
stir it? Oh, I can do...

Chrissy. Thank you.
How thoughtless of me.

There you go, sweetheart.

Thank you, Jack.

Yeah, that's nice,
huh? Oh. Mmm, yeah.

Yeah? Mm, thank you, Chrissy.

Mm-mm. Oh, my, my.

[ Southern Accent ] This is
gonna be a wonderful day.

[ Twittering ]

You're a pretty
little boy, aren't you?

[ Twitters ] You
know what today is?

Today's the day you get
some nice clean sand...

to do your little poopsies on.

Come on. Come on, say it.

Stanley. Stanley.

[ Imitating Birdcall ]

- What are you doing?
- I'm makin' a noise
like a parakeet.

It's the only way to
get your attention.

I'd sprout feathers if I could.

But he gets lonely this time of
year. He likes me to talk to him.

Well, what about me? I
get lonely all-year long.

I wish you'd talk to me
the way you talk to that bird.

Well, okay.

You're a pretty
little boy, aren't you?

Oh, Stanley.

You know, I bet you don't even
remember what tomorrow is.

Tomorrow? Tomorrow's Sunday.

So far, so good.

Now think.

It only happens once a year.

Once a year.

- [ Gasps ] You don't mean...
- No, not that.

Oh, Stanley! Do I
have to remind you...

every time an
anniversary comes around?

Anniversary!
Anniversary! Uh, um...

V.J. Day. Stanley!

W-Wedding anniversary!
Wedding anniversary. Of course.

Is it? I meant to tie a knot
in something to remind me.

I'd have given you a hand.

[ Chattering ]

By the way, Janet, what did you
think about that fabulous dinner...

I cooked especially
for you tonight?

Oh, well, it wasn't too bad, Jack.
Maybe a little too much salt though.

Too much salt? You
don't know what you're...

[ Laughing ] You're
absolutely right.

Too much salt. [ Laughing ]

Here, I'll get you
another drink. Thank you.

Hi. Want a peanut?
Oh. Thank you, baby.

Thank you so much. Janet, why don't
you just give the Sinatra tickets to me?

I can scalp 'em for
50 bucks. Scalp 'em?

All right, look, I'll
tell you the truth.

Now, usually, I don't like people
knowing what a soft-hearted guy I am.

But there is this
little old lady...

who sells pencils
down by the pier.

Only the other
day, she said to me,

"Young master," she said,

"my one remaining
wish before I die...

is to see Frank Sinatra."

And you'd give her the tickets?

No, Chrissy. He would
sell them to her for 50 bucks.

- Oh. Hard, Janet. Hard.
- Keep your thieving mind
off of those tickets, Larry.

I've invested a lot
of crawling in them.

Excuse me, Chrissy. I believe
that's my seat. Thank you. Oh!

Here's your beer, honey.
It's all paid for, okay?

Anything else you want,
you just tell me. Okay.

Mind if I join you?
Not at all. Sit down.

Chrissy, how about
a game of darts?

Okay. And don't
forget your money.

Mm. Guess what I
got in the shoe box.

Wait. Don't tell me. Is it
bigger than a bread box?

It's a parakeet. I'm giving it to Helen
for our wedding anniversary tomorrow.

Wait a minute. You
already got a parakeet.

Well, this is a hen.

- What I got at home is a... a, um...
- Boy parakeet?

Right, right. I figure since I'm
giving Helen a present anyway,

I might as well give
him something too.

Don't you think flowers
or candy would be better?

No. I thought I might
try mating with her.

Mrs. Roper should like that.

Anyway, the point is, I want
it to be a surprise for Helen.

Oh, I'm sure it will be.

So if you'd take this upstairs
with you until tomorrow? Me?

Oh, no. Mr. Roper... Thanks a
lot. You're a very sweet kid, Janet.

No. Mr. Roper... I... Thank you.

Ah. Jack,

I don't know anything about
taking care of a parakeet.

Oh, it's easy, Janet.
Just put it in a cage,

give it some food and water and
a little sandpaper on the bottom.

Ooh. That sounds painful.

No.

Don't worry about this.
I'll take care of it for you.

I'd do anything for you
and your lovely brown eyes.

[ Laughs ] You mean
for lovely "Blue Eyes."

No. Please let me have...

[ Panting, Whining ]

Jack! Oh, my.

Back behind the ear? You got it.

Ooh! Oh, Jack. You're
not allowed to touch it!

[ Twittering ] You're gonna
get a little surprise tomorrow.

[ Twitters ] There's no
sense in asking me what it is.

I said it's a surprise.

Oh, Stanley, I've just been going
through my jewelry box. Your what?

The thing I keep my rubber
bands and safety pins in. Oh.

Well, you can
stop hinting, Helen.

I already got you your
anniversary present. You did?

Yeah. What is it?

If I didn't tell the bird,
I'm not gonna tell you.

What? It's a surprise.

Oh, come on,
Stanley. Give me a hint.

Uh, what color is it?

Yellow. Yellow.

Like gold?

Kind of.

Would it by any
chance go on my finger?

It might... with a
little encouragement.

[ Laughing ] Oh, Stanley!
I'm not gonna say any more.

Oh, you don't have to! [ Kiss ]

Oh, you sweet thing. I'm gonna
make you a nice hot cup of cocoa.

[ Doorbell Rings ]

I'm even gonna answer the door.

Hi, Chrissy. Hi.

What can I do for you?
Well, I wanted Mr. Roper.

There he is. Help yourself.

He's such a generous man.

Mr. Roper, your
wife seems so happy.

Yeah. She's not herself today.

What do you want me for? Well,
it's about the parakeet. You see...

Shh! I don't want her to hear
it. She might get overly excited.

Oh. Well, we don't have
any food for the bird.

Oh. No problem. No problem.

Oh, but, Chrissy, I'm
forgetting my manners.

Would you like a cup of cocoa?

Oh, no, thanks. I just came up
here to get some food for the...

Food for themselves, upstairs. See,
they ran short. Good-bye, Chrissy.

Oh, wait a minute.

- Birdseed?
- Yeah. That's very good for you.

It's got vitamins
and-and proteins in there.

I'm sure it's very
good. Oh, you bet it is.

Mmm! Birdseed?

Mmm! Delicious. Delicious.
[ Parakeet Twitters ]

[ Twittering ]

[ Chuckling ]

What do you think, Jack? You think
she needs anything? Uh, I'll ask her.

[ Shouting ] Do
you need anything?

Uh-huh. Yeah. Uh-huh.

She says she wants two tickets
to the Frank Sinatra concert.

Chrissy. Is that all birdseed?

Oh, no. It's half a roast
chicken from Mrs. Roper.

Hey, wait-wait, Chrissy.

- What happened
to the birdseed?
- Mr. Roper ate it.

I'll see if I can find something
for this in the kitchen.

Aren't you going to take
her out of the box? What for?

Well, for some fresh air. The poor
thing's been cooped up in there so long.

Oh, that's a good idea.

Come here, little... Ow!
It bit me. [ Squawking ]

Oh, she knows the hand of
a groper when she feels it.

You come here. Come here.
That's... Come here. Yes.

[ Twittering ] [
Kissing Noises ]

Ah, you sweet little teeny...
Let me see. Let me see.

Let me see. There it is.

I'm gonna give you a lot of bread crumbs
so you can grow up to be nice and fat...

like your friends
Janet and Chrissy.

Bite him again.

- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi there.

I thought you
might like some, uh,

some apple pie for dessert.

Oh. Oh. Mrs. Roper.

Wow. So nice of you to
bring a pie. Thank you.

[ Laughing ] I baked it myself.

Oh, boy. Of course,

I know it won't be as
good as yours, Jack.

Oh, come on. I'm sure
your pie will be just as goo...

Are you all right? [ Laughing ]

[ Squealing, Laughing ] Is
something wrong with him?

No. He, uh, is just laughing at a
joke I told him before you came in.

And he's just getting it?

He's very slow. Yeah.

[ Parakeet Squawking ]
What... What was that?

[ Continues Squawking ] Oh,
I'm just practicing my birdcalls.

[ Imitates Chirping,
Whistles ] Here, bird.

[ Laughing Uneasily
] [ Laughing ]

Well, [ Laughs ] enjoy your pie.

We will. [
Screeching, Laughing ]

Jack.

I think he's coming
down with something.

Mmm! Good pie.

Good-bye.

[ Parakeet Squawking ]
Back in the box you go!

Boy, I sure am glad that we
didn't spoil Mrs. Roper's surprise.

Yeah. That's a good
bird imitation, Jack. Yeah.

Oh, no. What?

[ Knocking ]

- Come in.
- Good morning.

Oh! Coffee, toast and
the Sunday paper...

Just for you, Janet.

- Well, what about me?
- Oh. Good morning
to you too.

Janet, one sugar, and I'm
stirring it, see? Yeah, I see.

Your toast. You can have it
with butter or butter and jam...

or just jam or plain, or you can
mix the butter and jam together.

I'll do that for you... whatever
your little heart desires.

Oh, boy. You are still trying
to get on my good side, huh?

I think both sides are good.

You don't fool me, Jack.
I know what you're after.

Yeah, well, so do I,
and I'll tell you, Jack,

you have really earned
it, so here you go.

Oh, Janet, thank you. I don't
ever know how... There's only one.

Yeah. I gave the
other one to Chrissy.

Coffee, toast and
the Sunday paper...

Just for you, Chrissy.

Would you like some jam? Mm-hmm.

Hello. Hello? What about me?

Oh, there's plenty
left in the kitchen.

Well, thanks a lot, Jack.
Just thank you very much.

That is just like a man.

A girl gives you what you want,
you drop her like a hot potato.

Chrissy, I... No.

No, what? No
ticket. That's what.

I wanna keep it for myself.

- Chrissy, do you
love your country?
- Well, of course I do.

Well, you see, there's
this little Swedish girl...

How little?

Huh? Well, she's, uh...
She's average little.

A little more average in some
places than others, but average.

- I see.
- No, you don't see,
Chrissy.

Now, I promised to take this
sweet little Swede to see Sinatra.

What's she gonna
think when I don't?

Don't interrupt.

Chrissy, to her, I am America.

Now, if I break my promise,
she's gonna go back to Sweden...

and say that
Americans are liars.

In Sweden, this sort
of thing spreads fast.

It's a very small country.

Next thing you know, they'll
break off relations with us.

No more Nobel Prizes.
No more operations.

And all because you
didn't give me your ticket.

Oh, my. ♪ O beautiful ♪

♪ For spacious skies ♪

♪ For amber waves... ♪♪
Oh, here! Take it!

Chrissy, you are
a great patriot.

No. I just love a good
lie when I hear one.

[ Snorts ]

[ Laughing ]

I won't forget this.

Oh, Frankie.

I did it my way.

[ Snaps Fingers ] ♪ I been a
puppet, a pauper a pirate, a poet ♪

♪ A pawn and a king ♪

♪ I've been up and
down and over and out ♪

♪ And I know one thing ♪

♪ Each time I find myself ♪

♪ Flat... ♪♪
Hello, Inga?

Jack. How would you like to
go see Frank Sinatra tonight?

Of course with me.

You would? Fabulous.
I'll pick you up...

No, no. Everything's just fine.

I'll call you later.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh,
boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh,
boy. What's the matter?

Oh, boy, oh, boy. Janet,
it was an accident. Oh!

Maybe it's all right. Parakeets
are supposed to be very strong.

I don't hear any breathing.

Maybe it's holding its breath.
Why don't you open it and see?

[ Doorbell Rings ]
You open it. You did it.

[ Whimpering ]

[ Yelps ]

Good morning. Good morning. Hi.

You got my parakeet?
[ Stammering ]

Helen's coming up in
a minute, and I wanna

give her her present
in front of everybody.

Mr. Roper, it's
about your parakeet.

Well, uh, it's not
altogether well.

What's wrong with my bird?

Well, uh, [ Stammering ]

more or less, everything.

Ja... [ Laughs
Uneasily ] Jack sat on it.

What?

Mr. Roper, I'm really
sorry. It was an accident.

I... I... Oh, my God.
What am I gonna do?

If I don't give Helen a present,
I'll never hear the end of it.

Here I am! I'm
ready for my surprise.

Helen. Helen,
about your surprise...

Mr. Roper, wait. Wait
a second. Shouldn't she

close her eyes and
put her hand out first?

Oh, yeah. Jack's right.
That's the way to do it.

Oh! Two tickets...

to the Frank Sinatra concert!

Oh, they're like gold.

Oh, Stanley, how did
you manage to get them?

It wasn't easy.

Oh! Come on, Stanley.

I wanna go downstairs
and-and pick out the clothes...

I'm gonna wear to the concert.

Oh, you know, I remember just swooning
over Frankie when I was a teenager.

[ Laughing ]

He's not that old, is he?

Well, Jack honey, I guess you're not gonna
get that thank you from your girlfriend.

I almost forgot
about the parakeet.

Chrissy, don't touch
this box. Why not?

Because it's... Empty?

Well, of course it is. I couldn't leave
the poor little thing in there all night.

I let it loose to fly
around in the bathroom.

Oh, boy. [ Growling ]

No, Jack! Chrissy,
get back! Back, back!

Jack! Jack! Jack, stay calm.

[ Growling ] Control yourself!

[ All Clamoring ]

♪♪ [ Vocalizing ]

Hi.

- How does this look,
Stanley?
- I like it.

[ Doorbell Rings ]

[ Together ] Happy anniversary!

Oh, how sweet!

What is it? It's
a lady parakeet.

It's alive?

No, Stanley. They're
giving us a dead parakeet.

Oh, that's wonderful. I'll put it
in the cage with the other one,

and then they can...
do what comes naturally.

What's that, Stanley?

You know.

Would you excuse us?

I want Stanley to
refresh my memory.

Come on, Stanley.

Whoa! Whoo!

[ Man ] Three's Company
was videotaped...

in front of a studio audience.

Closed-Captioned By
Captions, Inc., Los Angeles