Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 2, Episode 23 - Chrissy Come Home - full transcript

Chrissy's father, Reverend Snow, visits her from Fresno. However, Chrissy knows her father would not approve of her and Janet living with Jack. As a result, they plan to keep Jack away from the apartment during the Reverend's stay. However, when he learns that Jack is living at the apartment, Janet tells him she is married to him.

♪ Come and knock on our door ♪
♪ Come and knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪
♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ Where the kisses are
hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪
♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪
♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a lovable space
that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ You'll see that
life is a ball again ♪

♪ Laughter is calling for you ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three is company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous
Three is company too ♪♪

♪♪ [ Humming ]

[ Stops Humming ]

♪♪ [ Resumes Humming ]

Hi. What are you doing? I'm
trying to make myself a sandwich.

Oh, well, that's simple. See,
the bread goes on the outside.

Thank you, Jack. Don't mention
it. I'm full of valuable information.

[ Kiss ] Yeah. You're
full of other things too.

Oh! This is terrible! My father's
coming to preach a sermon.

- Here?
- No. In a church.

- Chrissy, when's
your father coming?
- Today.

His plane arrives at
2:30. Oh, no! Look!

He should have brought that with
him and saved himself a stamp.

It took over a week to get
here. Oh, no! From Fresno?

And what else did our
efficient postal service bring us?

Any Christmas cards
or Life magazines?

No. Just bills. They always
get here right on time.

Oh, this is terrible. He
can't see us like this.

Oh, you're right. This
apartment is a wreck.

It's worse than that. Chrissy,
that's an exaggeration.

Your dad's been here
before. He knows how we live.

Things have changed
since then. What things?

You used to be Eleanor.

Hey, level with me. Was
my operation a success?

Jack, last time Chrissy's
father came down,

Eleanor was still our roommate.

Chrissy, don't worry about it. I'm
sure your father's gonna like me.

[ Moaning ] Oh! Chrissy,
I'll be on my best behavior.

[ Moaning ] Oh! Thank you
for that vote of confidence.

Chrissy. Christmas, your
mother did tell your father...

that Jack was living
here, didn't she?

Didn't she?

[ Moaning ] Oh! [ Moans ]

Chrissy? Chrissy,
she did not tell him?

Is that what you're
trying to tell us?

What was that? Could
you nod a little louder?

[ Gasps ] [ Groans ]

[ Moaning ] Oh, boy.

What are we gonna do?
What are we gonna do?

Chrissy, relax! Don't panic.

Come here. Just sit down, all right?
Don't panic. There's no problem.

Your dad doesn't come here for
another, what, four hours, right?

I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll just get
some stuff and move up with Larry...

and stay there until
he leaves, okay?

Oh, Jack! Oh, that's
terrific. Oh, thank you. Well...

Thank you! Thank
you! Hey, anytime.

Thank you. Thank
you. You're welcome.

How about you, Janet?
Would you like to thank me too?


Never mind.

Oh, come on, Janet. Okay.

We've gotta get this place cleaned up
right away. You don't know my father.

His favorite sermon is
"Cleanliness is Next to Godliness."

Why don't you tell that
to egg lips over there?

Listen, I'll do something
about my bedroom.

- Oh, what are you
gonna do, clean it?
- No. I'm going to lock it.

Oh, Jack, I want you to do
something in my bedroom too.

That's an even better idea.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa.

And just what did
you have in mind?

I've got lots of things
running through my mind.

No. I wanted him to
hang this picture for me.

And hanging pictures wasn't
one of them. Yeah, I'll bet.

Daddy gave this to me so I wouldn't
forget all the friends I left behind.

Well, how come you never
hung it before? I forgot I had it.

I'll go borrow a hammer
from the Ropers.

♪♪ [ Light Classical ]

Helen, I found out what
was wrong with the...



[ Music Stops ]

- What'd you
do that for?
- I got good news.

I fixed the garbage
disposal in 207.

You wanna call the
L.A. Times, or shall I?

You know what was wrong
with the garbage disposal?

They never use it.
They eat out all the time.

So? Some people like
to enjoy themselves.

It's not against the rules,

except around this apartment.

Nothing works well if
you don't use it enough.

That's so true.

Of course, it would take a
miracle to get some things...

to work right around here.

A miracle.

What are you doing? I'm praying.

Another one of your
little digs, huh, Helen?

[ Laughing ] ♪♪

Oh, Stanley, remember
when we used to go dancing?

Come on. Come
on. Not now, Helen.

I don't wanna... Come
on, Stanley. Here.

You pretend you're the man.

Just for a couple minutes.
Then I gotta do the toilet in 306.

♪ Da, da, da, da ♪

♪ Da, da, da... ♪♪
[ Groans ] Oh! Oh! Oh!

What's the matter?
My back just went out.

Oh! See, Stanley?

[ Doorbell Rings ] When you
don't use something enough...

Ow. Oh. [ Music Stops ]

[ Doorbell Rings ]
Well, do something.

Hi, Mrs. Roper. Have you got a
hammer? Hey, that's a good idea.

[ Sighs ] I don't
know what it is,

but whenever my father's around, I feel
just like I did when I was a little girl.

How's that? Like I'm just getting
ready to show him my report card.

Chrissy, come on, honey.
You're not a little girl.

You're a grown-up
woman. Don't feel that way.

Yeah, you're
right. I won't. Yeah.

Good. How do you think the
room looks? I'd say about a "C" plus.

- [ Doorbell Rings ]
- That's Jack.

He's always locking himself out.

[ Laughing ] Chrissy!

Daddy! [ Laughing ]

Oh, Daddy. You weren't supposed
to be here till this afternoon.

I caught an earlier plane so we
could spend a little more time together.

Oh, how nice. Isn't
that nice, Janet?

You remember Janet?
Why, yes, of course.

- How nice to see you
again, Janet.
- Thank you. Hi.

And I seem to remember
another girl. Um,

Eleanor. Great girl.

Yeah, great. Yeah.

She doesn't live with us
anymore. No. No more.

Oh, that's too bad. [ Chuckles ]

She was a very nice
girl. [ Mouthing Words ]

How do you... How do
you manage with the rent?

Uh... We manage.

Yeah, we do. Good.

Yes, we just manage right along.

Well, it sure is
a beautiful day.

I hope it doesn't
rain this weekend.

That always keeps the sinners
at home. [ Both Chuckle ]

All right, Chrissy,
where's the picture?

Quit foolin' around.
I'm gonna have to...

Sorry. Wrong pew.
No, no, no, no. Don't go.

Don't go. Stay. Stay, my boy.

Well, Chrissy, aren't you going
to introduce me to your friend?


Oh, yeah.

Oh, uh, Daddy,
this is Jack Tripper.

Very pleased to meet
you, Jack. Reverend Snow.

Oh! I'm sorry. I'm just doin' a little
work. There's no need to apologize.

If it hadn't been for a
carpenter, I wouldn't have a job.

[ All Laugh ]

[ Laughing Excessively ]

Too bad Mother couldn't
come with you to visit.

Oh, you'll be seeing
her soon enough.

You know, Chrissy,
everybody back home...

talks about you all the time.

They really miss you.
Oh, I miss them too.

I really do.

Wh-What did you mean that I'll
be seeing Mother soon enough?

Well, I'd like to take
you back home with me.

Home? Yes. I figure
you've had your little fling,

and, you know, with your
mother missing you so much...

Oh, Daddy. Oh, I
really like it here.

I mean, things have been
really good for me here.

All right, Chrissy.
I'm a fair man.

Just give me some
time to see for myself...

just how good it is, all right?

[ Chuckling ] So,
Jack... Yes, sir! Oh.

I have the hammer. I have it.

Uh, do you live nearby?

Nearby? Oh, uh, yeah,
you could call it that.

It's right... It's not far.
It's just... It's fairly close.

- Oh.
- Daddy, would you
like some coffee?

No, thank you. How close, Jack?

Excuse me. I'll
go get your coffee.

I'm gonna help him.

Okay, Jack, now what
do you think we should do?

We're going to stay cool.
Everything's under control.

Oh! Oh, Jack, you
gotta be careful.

You burned yourself last week on
the water. Janet, don't worry about me.

I'm always cool under pressure.

Tell me, Chrissy, does
Jack always act so strangely?

Like what? [ Jack,
Screaming ] Ow!

- Like that.
- Chrissy, Jack burned
his hand on the water.

- Oh, where's the burn ointment?
- Uh, I think it's still
in my bedroom.

I'll get it.

- Your bedroom?
- Well...

[ Laughing ] Well, it's a
bedroom in the sense that...

'there's a room
with a bed in it.

Just like the kitchen's a
room with a "kitch" in it.

But, uh... See,
um, when you say...

How-How long have you
been living here, Jack?

Well, you mean...
Is that a rhetor...

[ Stammering ] You
see... All right. Well, okay.

- Ever since
we got married.
- Married?

- Honey?
- Well.

I'm certainly very glad
to hear you say that.

But, of course, I
should have guessed.

Anyone can tell just
by looking at you.

- They could?
- Where were you married?

We, uh... It was,
uh... City Hall, I think.

City Hall? You mean you didn't
get married by a man of the cloth?

Oh, well, it-it wasn't my
idea, was it, dumpling?

You know, there's still a few
old-fashioned ministers around...

who'd say that, uh,
you aren't really married.

Oh. Yeah. I suppose there are.

And I happen to be one of them.

Oh, well, Reverend...

You see, Reverend
Snow, one of these days,

we are planning to
make it more religious.

Now, I'm happy to
hear you say that, Janet.

In that case, there's
no need to wait.

- What do you mean?
- I'll marry you
right here and now.

Reverend Snow, you don't have to
marry us. No. I think it's for the best.

No, sir. You're our guest. We
don't want to put you to work.

Uh, Jack, "It is better
to marry than to burn."

I Corinthians 7:9.

Reverend Snow, it's just that we-we
don't want you to go to all that trouble.

Oh, it's no trouble. In just a
few minutes, it'll be all over.

That's what I'm afraid of.

Well, you see, what-what
Jack means, sir,

is that, uh, we just don't
wanna put you out like that.

You must be tired
after your long trip.

Oh, Fresno isn't
that far. Chrissy!

[ Groaning ] Oh, your burn.

Don't touch the...
I'll get your ointment.

Now all we need is another
witness and we can get on with it.

Uh, a witness? There are
no witnesses at this hour.

At 11:30 in the morning?

Well, that-that's the
worst possible time.

There's absolutely
nobody around. [ Knocking ]

- I didn't hear that.
- No.

[ Clears Throat ] I'm just
going to see who's not there.

Jack. I think that you and I
had better have a little talk.

All right? Sure. I mean...

Now... Now, it isn't as though
you're getting married for the first time.

Too true.

I just wanted to see
how Jack was makin' out.

Yeah, okay.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

He seems to be
making out just fine.


Oh. Oh, Reverend, uh...

This is, uh... This is
Mr. Roper, our lord... landlord.

Mr. Roper, I'm...
It's my pleasure.

Give me your hand. Chrissy,
let's do it in the kitchen.

Janet, come help hold
me down, please. Yes. Yes.

You a friend of Jack's?
Well, I hope Jack thinks so.

But right at this moment,
he's not too sure.

How come? I think I shook him
up when I offered to marry him.

Oh, my God. Oh, I'm sorry.

Yes, I'm afraid Jack
thinks I'm rushing him.

- How long
have you known Jack?
- I just met him today.

But I can tell he's a fine boy,

and I'd like to get this
marriage over with.

- I don't believe
in putting things off.
- You sure don't.

Of course, we'll need you as a
witness. I mean, if you wouldn't mind.

Mind? I wouldn't
miss it for the world.

Thank you.

Oh, boy, oh, boy.
This is really a mess.

Chrissy, honey, I would do
just about anything for you,

but the last thing in the world
I wanna do is marry Jack.

Janet's right, Chrissy. This has
gone too far. The next thing you know...

What do you mean the last thing in
the world you want to do is marry me?

What? Oh, Jack, I just mean
that... What's wrong with me?

Nothin's wrong with you, honey. Then why
did you say the last thing in the world...

you'd wanna do is marry... Jack, please.
We haven't got time to go into that.

I suppose you think
you're Miss Perfect.

This is not gonna help
us get out of this mess.

It was your big mouth
that got us into this mess.

All I was trying to do...
Jack, Janet! Please stop.

It's bad luck to fight
on your wedding day.

[ Doorbell Rings ]

Uh, excuse me.

Oh, Stanley... Come in,
Helen. You gotta see this.

This is my wife, uh, Padre.

Oh. Well, how do
you do, Mrs. Roper?

I'm so glad to see you. We
could use another witness.

A witness? To what?

There's gonna be a wedding.

A wedding? Well,
who's getting married?

You'll never guess.

- [ Chuckling ] Jack and Janet.
- What?

Jack and Janet!

Oh, that's wonderful! Wait
a minute. Are you crazy?

Janet can't marry Jack.

Congratulations! Oh!

There isn't gonna be any
wedding. [ Mr. Roper ] What?

I beg your pardon?
That's right, Daddy.

- You're Chrissy's father?
- Yes, I am.

[ Mouthing Words ]

Stanley, why didn't you tell
me that was Chrissy's father?

[ Stammering ] I-I-I...
I thought you knew.

Chrissy, what's all this
nonsense about no wedding?

Oh, Daddy, could you go in the
kitchen and talk to me, please?

Can I stay? 'Cause I don't know
what's going on around here.

Come on, Stanley.
This is private. Let's go.

And, Jack, Janet, look,
whatever your problems are,

I'm sure you can work 'em out.

Look at me and Stanley.

Chrissy, you said you had
something to tell me. [ Door Closes ]

Yes, I do. Um... Would
you mind? No, sure.

Oh. Jack.

Sit down, Daddy.


Daddy, remember
when I was a little girl...

and you told me to say
nothing but the truth?

I remember.

II Chronicles 18:15.

And you said, "The
truth shall set you free."

John 8:32.

Um, Father, I cannot tell a lie.

- George Washington?
- [ Sucks Teeth ]

No. Me.

- Chrissy, just what is it
you're trying to tell me?
- They were never married.

Then you mean that Jack
is just living here with her?

Oh, no. He's not.

No. He's living
here with both of us.

- Both of you?
- Oh, it's absolutely
innocent, Daddy.

Innocent? Why, Chrissy,

this is absolutely scandalous.

This is immoral!

It's Sodom and
Gomorrah! That's what it is!

Oh, Daddy! You make it sound
like all we're doing is having fun.

Jack is here for
practical reasons.

"Practical reasons"?

Well, I'll tell you
what's practical.

You are going to pack your bags
right now and come home with me.

Oh! This is my home.

This is not a home.

This is a den of vipers.

This is a playground
for the devil.

"Can a man take
fire in his bosom...

"and his clothes not be burned?

"Can a man walk
upon hot coals...

and his feet not be burned?"

Can a man say something? No.

You see... And you stay
away from my daughter.

Oh, Daddy! Jack is my friend.

Just like Janet is my friend.

To me, Jack is no
different from Janet.

I'm not? No, I
mean... Hey, I'm not.

Young man, please! Now, wait,
Reverend. I know what's bugging you.

I just want you to know that I'm
packing my things and leaving right now.

Well, where will you go?
I'm going back to the Y.M.C.A.

You didn't like it there.
You were so lonely.

Chrissy, it's the only place I
can afford. No! You're not leaving.

Listen to me. This place is just
as much your home as it is mine.

I'll leave. Chrissy.

- No, wait. Then I'll have to leave.
- Why?

I can't stay here alone with
Jack. My father wouldn't like it.

Why? Your father's
not a minister.

No, but he's half Italian.

Well, don't worry, Janet. I'm the one
who's leaving. Chrissy, you're staying.

No, she is not. Chrissy, you
are coming home with me.

Uh, excuse me. Isn't there
a commandment that says,

"Thou shalt not push
thy daughter around"?

Now, look here, young
man... Wait a minute!

Chrissy, stay out of it.
How can I stay out of it...

when I'm the
only it that's in it?

Daddy, you say you
know what's best for me.

Aren't you interested in hearing
what I think is best for me?

Of course I am. I'm
a reasonable man.

Well... Excuse me. I think
maybe I hear something burning.

Well, Daddy, I'm not
a little girl anymore.

And I'm just trying to
make a life for myself here,

just like you made a life
for yourself back home.

And I don't know how
long I'm gonna stay here.

I may pack up my bags
and leave tomorrow...

or next week or... or never.

But I think the
decision has to be mine.

And... I don't wanna hurt you,
and I don't wanna hurt my friends,

but it seems like I'm damned
if I do and I'm damned if I don't.

Oh. Oh... Oh, damn.

Janet? Yeah.

I'm so sorry. It's all right.

It's all right. Hey. I'm so...

No. I just called you 'cause I
wanna say good-bye. What...

You say good-bye
to Chrissy for me.

I'm taking off right now. What?

I just cannot stand seeing
Chrissy being torn apart like this.

I'll send for my
things. No, Jack.

Look, just remember one
thing, you know? [ Sighs ]

When Chrissy... When Chrissy works
late, you make sure she calls home...

so you can go meet her at
the bus stop like I always did.

Jack, wait a minute. I think
that you're being very hasty...

You stay right here,
Jack. No, Reverend Snow.

I think it'd be better
all the way around...

Stay, Jack. Stay.


- I'd like to talk to you.
- No.

Why not?

Well, I'm afraid
you'll be right.

You're always right
about everything.

Well, I'm wrong this time.
See? You're right again.

Did you say you were wrong?

Chrissy, I just saw
something wonderful.

You and Jack were
willing to make a sacrifice...

just so the other
could be happy.

Now, I wanted you
home because...

there you would be surrounded
by people who love you.

Well, Chrissy, you don't
have to come home.

You are home.

Oh, Daddy.

Oh, Janet.

Oh, Jack. Hey.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

Well, good night,
you two. Good night.

Chrissy, honey, I think your
father was very proud of you today.

- Surprised,
but real proud.
- You think so?

Well, he should be. You showed
him you're not a child anymore.

Yeah, I did, huh?
[ Jack Chuckling ]

Good night. Good night, honey.

Oh, boy. [ Sighs ]

[ Clears Throat ]

Well, Mother.

She's not our little girl
anymore. [ Chuckling ]

She's a grown woman.

- I'm not gonna be able
to go to sleep.
- Why?

Are you still upset
about your dad? No.

I can't find my teddy bear.

I can't find it anywhere.

[ Sighs ] Well, Mother.

Oh, well. Well, well.


[ No Audible Dialogue ]

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