Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 2, Episode 22 - Days of Beer and Weeds - full transcript

♪ Come and knock on our door ♪
♪ Come and knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪
♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ Where the kisses are
hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪
♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪
♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a lovable space
that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ You'll see that
life is a ball again ♪

♪ Laughter is calling for you ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪



♪ Three is company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous
Three is company too ♪♪

[ TV Announcer ] And
now, Miss Avocado Grove!

♪♪ [ Fanfare ] Oh, wow!
She is really something.

Why are we watching
this awful beauty contest?

'Cause he's got
the remote control.

Oh. Gimme that. Hey. Get out of here.
You girls should be interested in this.

Just look on it as a
self-improvement course.

[ Laughing ]

Do you think of women
purely as sex objects?

Of course not. I... I like
their intelligence too.

[ TV Announcer ] An
now, Miss Soybean!

Just look at the
brains on that one.

[ TV Audience Cheering ]



I don't see where they got
a sash big enough to fit her.

Well, I think it's
degrading! [ TV Clicks Off ]

Chrissy, gimme that! No! No! I'd like to
see men parading up and down like that.

Yeah. Anything to oblige.

Oh, no. Ladies and ladies,

welcome to the first annual...

Mr. Male Chauvinist
Pig contest of 1978!

Ta-da!

And here we have the very lovely
and talented Mr. Pico Boulevard...

looking absolutely stunning...

in his pair of Filthy Jeans.

And we'd like to thank Filthy
Jeans for lending them to him.

[ Laughs ] First
of all, deportment.

He oughta be deported.

♪♪ [ Humming Funk Tune ]

[ Doorbell Rings ] I'll get it.

No, I'll get it.
Oh. [ Chuckles ]

Honey, I'm up.

Oh, hi, Mr. Roper.

Going out on a date?

[ Clears Throat ] Um, Mr. Roper,

uh, what can we do for you?

- Well, it's about the garden.
- What garden?

- My garden.
- You mean that jungle
out behind the garages?

There's a terrific garden out
there underneath all those weeds.

And anyway, I thought you
kids should have the use of it.

For what, safaris?

Well, I'll tell you the truth, Mrs.
Roper's been nagging me about it.

I mean, she's really gone nuts since
she's taking this flower-arranging course.

Oh. And now she'd like some
homegrown flowers to arrange?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Also there could
be a terrific lawn out

there, once you've
cleared it and got rid...

Wait a minute. What do you
mean once we've cleared it?

Oh, I thought you'd
volunteer for the job. [ Huffs ]

[ Huffs ] Why would we do that?

Let me put it this way: Who would
get the most pleasure out of the garden?

You would.

- Who would enjoy the exercise?
- Not us.

Who can't afford
a raise in the rent?

Mr. Roper, there's a word for
the sort of threat you just made.

- Yeah? What's that?
- Effective.

Good, good. Then
you'll do it tomorrow.

Thank you. Yeah.

No, wait.

Sheesh. Whew.

Well, good-bye weekend.

That garden is right out
of Tarzan of the Apes.

It is a little
overgrown. A little?

Chrissy, there are pockets of Japanese
in there who don't know the war is over.

You know, you oughta be out
in the garden helping the kids...

instead of in here fooling
around with that homemade beer.

Don't scoff, Helen. If
this beer turns out all right,

I can sell some to
the Regal Beagle.

And poison half of Santa Monica?

Helen, this is pure stuff.

I mean, everything that touches
this beer has been sterilized.

So that's your problem?

I'll tell you one thing you'll never
have to worry about, Helen...

Your tongue getting rusty.

Aw, come on, Stanley. When
are we gonna get a chance...

to sample this marvelous
potion of yours, anyway?

Well, the batch I made two weeks
ago should be ready just about now.

Is that why the bottles
keep exploding?

I don't know why you started
this silly nonsense anyway.

It's not nonsense.
It's my hobby.

It's better than that stupid
flower-arranging course you're going to.

Flower arranging is
not stupid! It's artistic!

It's effeminate.

Well, I'm supposed
to be effeminate.

Just like you're emasculate.

[ Laughing ]

Ahhh. Oh, you know, what this
arrangement needs is something...

Something tall and
green and prickly.

How about your mother?

This is terrible. I'm getting
bitten to death by bugs.

Oh, I know. Me, too, Chrissy.

Ah. Hey, Jack!

Where did you put
that insect repellant?

Jack! Jack?

Jack? Yo!

Aaah! What?

What were you doing there?
I dropped the insect repellant.

Oh. Did you find it? Yeah.
It was under a pile of bugs.

They love this stuff. Anyway,
what do you want me to...

Oh! What did I say?

Oh, nothing. It was
a mosquito. Ohhh.

Hey, Janet. Look! A caterpillar!

Ahh-ahhh-ahh! Jack!

Here. Oh, thank you.
No? Thank you very much.

Okay. What do you want?
What do you want me to do?

Oh, I just thought
of something! Huh?

Maybe there's rats in here!

Chrissy, there are no
rats in here. Oh, good.

They all got eaten
by the snakes. What?

Aaah! Oh! There's
one right there! Where?

[ Screaming ] Chrissy!

Chrissy! Stop it! Chrissy, stop
that! Honey, I think you killed it.

Ohhh! Yes. Yes, you have.

You've killed
Roper's garden hose.

Awww. Let me see.

[ Rattling, Gasps ]
I'm all right. I'm all right.

Jack! Ugh. Chrissy, what'd you
do... Where'd you put the rake?

- It's over there somewhere.
- Thank you.

Oh. Good! You found it.

Listen. While you're
down there, Jack,

would you get me the rake?

Here you go. Thank you.

You okay? Peachy.

Great. Here. Take this. Sure.

Come on over here by Chrissy. See
those big leaves down there? Yeah.

I want you to dig all those up, and
make sure you get way down to the roots.

All right. Okay.

Chrissy. Hmm?

Did I just stick this
fork through your foot?

No. Oh.

[ Screaming ] Oh. Oh!

Oh! [ Yelping ]

Here's the first batch.

Did you remember to put in the
eye of newt and tongue of bat?

Can you spare them?

Boy. This is gonna be great.

Great. Yeah. Like when you
painted the bathtub last month?

Can't you forget about that?

Well, you coulda told
me before I got in it!

You should've seen your face
when you stuck to the bottom.

It wasn't my face I
was worried about.

Do you know it took
me a whole week...

to get all of that paint off?

I told you. I told you
to use a Brillo pad.

Come on, Stanley. Pour the beer.

Let's have a look at what's gonna
put Budweiser out of business.

[ Sniffing ]

Smells all right, I think.

Here. Taste it.

No way.

It's got little things
swimming around in it.

- Those are hops.
- Okay,

so it has little things
hopping around in it.

Here we go.

Where do you keep your
insurance policy, Stanley?

Helen, you know, this is good.
It's got kind of a nutty flavor.

It should have.
Look who made it.

[ Exhales Deeply ] Hi, hi, hi.

Oh, hi, kids. Hi. Listen. We
have done all we can for today.

We'll finish up tomorrow.
Oh, good. Good.

Aren't you gonna give them
something for all the work they did?

Huh?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Here. Have some beer.

No, thank you.

Me neither. I like
beer I can see through.

Well, it hasn't
quite settled yet.

How about you, Jack? You look
like you could use a nice cold beer.

You're so right.

Stanley made it himself.

Ahhh. I strained it through
a pair of Helen's stockings.

- My best pair.
- How do you like it?

Well, I'll tell you,
it's... Excuse me.

Seeds.

Uh, it's a... It's a little strong,
but, you know, it's not bad.

Well, here. Take two
bottles up with you. Yeah?

Oh, Chrissy. Those are really
pretty. Did you find them in the garden?

Oh, yeah. They
were growing wild.

Oh, you know, these are exactly
what I need for my flower arrangement.

Would it be okay if I
take a could of them?

Oh, sure. Here. Take these.

Oh, thanks. You know, we're having
an arts-and-crafts exhibition at school...

and who knows, ha
ha, maybe I'll win a prize!

Aaah! Aw, gee. I think
we better go wash up.

Uh, Mrs. Roper, honey, good
luck at your flower exhibition.

Let me know if I can help
you. Oh, thanks, Janet.

I hope you win. Yeah.
Me too. [ Giggles ]

- Hey. Thanks for the suds.
- [ Belches ]

Ah. A millimeter to the left
and I woulda lost this toe.

It's only bruised.

Well, I gotta go
over to Marilyn's.

I promised I'd help
her move this afternoon.

Oh, okay. Bye-bye. Bye, babe.

Hey. Janet? Hmm?

On your way back, see if you can
pick me up a packet of assorted toes.

Tsk. Boy. Anyone would think
you were mortally wounded.

Chrissy, this happens
to be my favorite toe.

This is the little piggy
that went to market!

Hi. Hi, Larry.

You're up early. It's only noon.

Yeah. Well, I was worrying
about that five bucks I owe you.

You don't owe me five bucks.

I will when you lend
it to me. No way.

Aw, come on, Jack.
You wouldn't want me

worrying myself sick
over nothing, would you?

All right, Larry. Here.
Just take it. Take it.

Jack!

I have no resistance left,
Chrissy. My toe is dying!

Make it ten bucks.
I'll send a wreath.

Look out. Where
did you get that?

Oh. They're from Roper's garden.

Yeah? You know what
you've got here, don't you?

Wildflowers. I don't know
what they're called, though.

I do. They're called cannabis.

Really. Oh, that's pretty.

That's marijuana.

What? What?

Pot!

Ow! Chrissy! Toe! Oh!

Toe!

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

I didn't know a marijuana
plant looked like that.

What'd you expect, clusters
of ready-rolled joints? Tsk.

Well, what is it doing in
Mr. Roper's garden, anyway?

Well, you know, Chrissy. The wind could
have blown the seeds from anywhere...

or birds could
have carried them.

Oh, yeah, yeah. You
just stick to that story.

I'm sure any jury in the
world will believe you.

Jury? You can get a year
in jail for having those plants.

[ Chrissy ] Oh! A yea...
Well, what are we gonna do?

What do you mean "we"?

"Officer, I never saw these people before
in my life. Thank you and good night."

Hey. We'll... We'll burn them.

Oh, great. Then the smoke drifts everywhere
and half the neighborhood gets stoned.

Well, we can dig a
big hole and bury them.

Yeah. And next year, a
whole new crop comes up.

Call me.

Thanks for your help, Larry.

[ Hollow Whistle ]

Uh, okay. I got an
idea, Chrissy. What?

We'll put this out
on the balcony...

and get the cat next
door to come visit it.

- Ohhh.
- Well, that's how
you lost your fern.

I think we should go to the
police and ask their advice.

No way! No police!

Chrissy, I feel funny.

That's 'cause you've
been drinking all that beer.

No. I mean, coming
here is a big mistake.

We have nothing
to fear but fear itself.

I was afraid of that.

You shouldn't bring
those bikes in here.

Well, we can't leave them in front of
the police station. They'll get stolen!

- What do you want?
- What do we want?

Uh, okay. My name is... is...

You don't have to
tell him your name.

That's true. I don't have
to tell you my name.

No. Not yet, anyway.
Not yet, anyway.

[ Jack Clears Throat ]

O-Officer. Oh! I'm sorry.

Nail these things
down. [ Chuckles ] Um,

Officer, if I may,
we just dropped in...

to ask a few questions
on... on behalf of a friend.

- You don't know him.
- I don't know you, either!

Well, you'd like him if you did.

He's very honest and
loyal, sin... No more.

Cere.

O-Officer, what I meant is,

uh, i-if my friend, you know,

c-committed some
kind of offense,

uh, without meaning
to commit that offense...

What he means is if his friend was
innocent, would he still be guilty?

- Of what?
- Tsk. Of what he didn't do!

Huh?

Uh, Chrissy.

You know, I think we shouldn't bother
the sergeant with this unimportant thing,

so why don't we just
mosey... Wait a minute.

Now, you said "offense."

What kind of offense?

You tell him. Oh,
well, it's... it's... it's...

Anything. It could be anything.
You know, uh... Oh, what?

Uh, parking. Uh, income tax.

Uh, possession of
drugs. No driving license.

Drugs? Oh, he didn't say drugs.

What kind of drugs? And what
did you mean by "possession"?

- Well, uh, uh, it's a plant.
- Someone's planted drugs on you?

Yea... No! No!

No. Possession of drugs
is a very serious crime.

Well, uh, Offi... Now,

suppose you tell
me what it's all about.

Well, all right.

Well, uh, O-Officer, I
didn't wanna bother you.

You know, I'm... It's just a
hypo... hypo... Hypodermic!

Thetical. Hypothetical.

Oh, look. Let's guss ferjetit...
Let's just forget it, I mean.

[ Jabbers ]

I'm just here to compile information
for this wook I'm biting, so...

Let's get out of here.
Chrissy, come on.

- Just a minute.
- Hmm?

Are you riding those
bicycles to your home?

Just the one. [ Laughs ]

That's a little joke. I'm
such a zany, madcap kinda...

No. I can't ride both of them
home, so I'm just gonna take...

She has to get home somehow,
so she's gonna take the girl's bike...

and I'll take the one with the
bar, which is the boy's, uh, bicycle.

Have you been drinking?

Who me? [ Laughing ]

Noooo!

Well, just some homemade beer.

Noooo!

Did you know that it's against the law to
ride a bicycle while under the influence?

You're kidding.

I think I'd like you
to take a breath test.

Uh, no, Officer. I
can breathe just fine.

See? [ Panting ]

[ Hiccups, Coughs ]

Don't wanna take a breath test,
eh? Fine, sir. Can you fill this?

Not from here.

In there!

See ya.

I told you you shouldn't
be drinking that dumb beer.

[ Door Slams ] Oh!

You didn't have
to tell the cop...

that I'd been drinking it!

Tell him? He could smell your
breath before you opened your mouth!

Oh, Chrissy. I'm gonna have
to go to court. I'll be fined.

It'll be weeks before
I see my bike again.

Jack. I love that bike.

The cops will probably
be riding it all around L.A.

Ohhh. It's gonna need
new tires and a new horn.

Jack, we still
haven't decided...

what we're gonna
do about those plants.

Oh, chop 'em up and put them
down the garbage disposal.

- It doesn't work.
- Get Roper to fix it.

Roper! Oh, I forgot
all about Roper!

Well, he is forgettable.

No! I just remembered!

Mrs. Roper is using one of the
marijuana plants in her flower arrangement!

Oh, boy! We better go warn her!

It's too late. They're at
the exhibition already.

That's my teacher, Stanley. Mm?

Oh. She's one of the judges.

Oh.

Straighten up!

Try to look interested.
But I'm not interested.

Then try to look alive.

Oh! Give me those!

Oh. Look at the
way you're dressed.

Did you remember
to wear clean shorts?

Why, are they judging them too?

Ahhh! That's a beautiful
effort, Miss Ramley.

Quite poetic. Get a shot.

[ Giggles ] The
local press is here.

Oh, yeah? [ Telephone Ringing ]

Don't smile!

It make you look simple-minded.

[ Whispers ]

The telephone for me? Oh, no!

Wait. What... Stanley,
what am I gonna do?

I'm wanted on the
phone and my exhibi...

Here. You take it.

- What if they take a picture
while I'm gone?
- So don't hurry back.

Hello. Who?

Oh. Hello, Chrissy.

Mrs. Roper has a what
in her arrangement?

A can of what?

Can of bis?

What's that?

Oh, cannabis. So?

What?

What?

Marijua... Shh!

I know it's illegal. Oh, my God.

Helen. Helen, she... No.
Not now, Stanley. I'm next!

But what if they find that
stuff in there? Be quiet!

Helen, you don't understa...
The teacher's coming.

Helen! Shh!

Ohhh! Aaah!

Ah, yes.

"Symphony of the Wild Flowers."

Ahhh. [ Nervous Chuckle ]

Well, it's, uh... It's very
unusual, Mrs. Roper.

Uh, perhaps a little ragged.

Not your best work,
but you'll improve.

You'll improve. Keep at it.

You know what they say.
"Practice makes perfect."

[ Broken Voice ] Why, Stanley?

Why? I didn't want
them to see that plant.

Really? Why?

It's such a fascinating
little fellow. What?

Yes. It's called False Aralia.

False Aralia? Not cannabis?

Cannabis?

Oh, dear me. We do have
a lot to learn, haven't we?

[ Chuckles ]

You! You!

Thank you. [ Sobbing ]

Boy. Poor Mrs. Roper.

But I don't understand where you guys
got the idea that this stuff was cannabis.

Well, Larry said it was. Humph.
Larry? You believed Larry?

This is obviously not
cannabis. It's False Aralia.

Well, it's obvious to you. You work in a
flower shop, but we don't know anything.

Well, all you have to do is
compare it. Well, with what?

With this! This is cannabis!

Get it away from me.
Well, I don't want it!

I'm taking it. I'm throwing this
out the door, off the balcony.

I don't want this in
our house anymore.

Happy birthday!

♪♪ [ Whistling Tune]

Look at this picture! I'll be a
laughingstock of the whole town!

Well, you should be
used to that by now!

What? Ohhh!

It was your fault the picture
was taken. Wait a minute.

Oh, look! You hit me in the
head, the guy's standing in front...

[ Both Talking, Indistinct ] Time! Time!
Listen! Wait! Nobody meant any harm here!

See, Mr. Roper, Jack and Chrissy
were only trying to protect you.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, and Mrs. Roper,

please don't cry.

Mr. Roper was only
trying to protect you.

And now you guys are mad at each
other because of a silly misunderstanding.

So why don't you two
just kiss and make up?

Oh, hey, Stanley.
That's a good idea.

Huh? Gimme a kiss.

What?

There.

Oh.

Aww.

Ohhh! Oh-ho!

[ Mr. Roper ] Helen!

Helen!

Helen, what are you doing?

Married 20 years and
he still doesn't know!

[ Man ] Three's Company
was videotaped...

in front of a studio audience.

Closed-Captioned By
Captions, Inc., Los Angeles