Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 2, Episode 21 - Will the Real Jack Tripper... - full transcript

♪ Come and knock on our door ♪
♪ Come and knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪
♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ Where the kisses are
hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪
♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪
♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a lovable space
that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ You'll see that
life is a ball again ♪

♪ Laughter is calling for you ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪



♪ Three is company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous
Three is company too ♪♪

♪♪ [ Humming ]

Tsk. This is terrible.

[ Sighs ] What?

These windows are filthy. Must've
been weeks since they were washed.

Months.

Well, look at that.

There's houses
across the street.

Huh. Well, what
do you know? Yeah.

[ Rattling ]

Tsk. Now that we
can see through it,

I'd sure like to be able
to breathe through it.

Why? Is is still stuck? Yeah.



- Why don't you call Mr. Roper?
- I've already called him
every name in the book.

- Well, what'd he say.
- Same thing he always says.

"You're next on my list."

Oh, uh, Janet, you don't mind
if I use your hot rollers, do you?

No, but your hair
looks fine to me.

Oh, it's not for my hair.
I put them in the fridge.

Y-You put my electric
rollers in the refrigerator?

Yeah. To defrost it.

[ Huffs ] No, Chrissy, you
don't put elec... Oh! Chrissy!

Chrissy, Chrissy!
Bring a mop! What?

[ Telephone Ringing ]
Ohhh! The carpet! It's ringing!

No, it's not. It's
the telephone.

[ Rings ]

You are working too hard. Hello.

Hello. Um, c-could I please
speak to Jack Tripper?

He's not home right now.
Can I take a message?

Um, well, it's kinda personal.

Oh, that's okay. I won't listen.

Excuse me? You know,
actually, Jack's not here right now.

He's upstairs at his friend's apartment.
Do you want the phone number?

Um, yeah, please. Okay. Hang on.

Hey, Larry. It's really nice of you...
treating me to the Lakers game like this.

Come on. What are friends for?

Actually, I was gonna take Betty,
but [ Sighs ] she's a lost cause.

- Who Betty?
- Yeah.

Uh, Betty, Betty,
Betty, Betty. Ah! Betty.

Look out. [ Chuckles ]

That picture does
not lie, either.

She's got a fantastic
figure. 42-21-36.

And great shoulders.

Yeah. She'd need
'em to hold all that up.

[ Laughs ] The only thing that
spoils her, though, is her mouth.

- What's wrong with it?
- It keeps saying, "No."

And I thought you were
supposed to be irresistible.

I am. She happens to be
the exception to the rule.

Tsk. Ahhh. So I said good-bye...

and gave her my mother's
wedding ring to remember me by.

Wait a minute. You gave her
your mother's wedding ring?

A wonderful and
valuable heirloom.

A keep a supply
of them on hand...

for just such
occasions, you know?

Yeah. Boy. You are an
organized cad, aren't you, Larry?

It's one of my rules.
Always leave 'em happy.

Like Betty said to me. "Englebert,"
she said, "I shall treasure this ri..."

Englebert? Oh, it's
another one of my rules.

Never give 'em your real name.

Wow. I see. Why not?

You've got so much to
learn, haven't you, Jack?

Teach me. Okay.

First of all, look,

it saves you so much trouble when
you're trying to break it up, right?

Yeah. They're running around,
asking if anybody's seen...

Paul Redford or Robert Newman.

[ Telephone Ringing ]

Yellow.

Hello. Uh, could I please speak to
Jack Tripper? This is Sandra Boyd.

Yeah, sure. Her...
S-Sandra Boyd?

Uh, cute little brunette
with the mole on your, uh...

That's right. Could
I talk to Jack?

Speaking! Hey. This is
terrific hearing from you.

How did you get this number?

Well, I called your number
first and they gave me this one.

You called mine first?
Well, it's in the phone book.

Of all the dumb...

- What?
- Huh? Oh, uh, I said,
"This is fun." Fun.

Jack, how come you haven't
called me? Not for weeks.

Well, you know how it
is with us airline pilots...

Always flying off somewhere.

I thought you said
you were a dentist.

Uh, only in my spare time.

Oh. Um, Jack, look, I've
gotta come by and talk to you.

- Jack?
- Oh, what a shame. We got cut off.

Come on. Let's get
to the game. What?

Come on. Don't just sit there!
The game doesn't start for hours.

Neither does the car
I'm driving. Come on!

Stanley.

Come on, dumbbell.
Say it. [ Screeches ]

You're not gonna get
your birdseed till you say it.

Stanley. Stan-ley!

Stan-ley!

Oh. No, that was you, Helen.

I know it was me.

You'll never get
that bird to talk.

I think he's got a lazy beak.

He came to the right house.

When are you gonna fix the
window for the kids upstairs?

It's next on my list.

What list, Stanley?

Where is this marvelous
list you keep talking about?

In my head. Must be
very lonely in there.

Red eight on a black nine.

Thanks a lot.

You know, you're wasting
your time playing this game.

Well, it's my time.

Oh, go fix your window!

I don't have the
right equipment.

You're telling me.

I'm talking about my
power drill. It's 10 years old.

Eleven. I remember. You
bought it for me for my birthday.

Very good, Helen. Very good.

I'll give you something
else to remember.

There are four cards
missing in that deck.

[ Bird Screeches ]

[ Whirring ] It's drying up, but
there's gonna be a clean patch here.

Oh. Well, maybe, uh,

we could bring the
plant stand down over it.

No, because then there will be a
clean patch where the plant stand was.

Oh. Right. [ Doorbell Rings ]

Well, I don't know.

Oh. Hi. Hi.

Um, is Jack in? Uh, huh-uh.
He went to basketball game.

Oh. Oh, well, that's all right.

It isn't very important.

[ Sobbing ] It isn't
important at all.

[ Sobbing Continues ]

Uh, eh, would y... would you like to
come in and sit down for a minute?

No, thank you.

[ Sobbing Continues ]

Are you all right?
I'm fine. Fine!

- Would you like some tea?
- That would be nice. Thank you.

Okay. Ohhh! I forgot.
We're out of tea.

[ Sobbing ]

Oh! Oh. Hey. I'll go buy
some if you're that thirsty!

I'm not thirsty. Oh, good.

I'm pregnant. You're what? What?

I just know I am.

It's been six weeks
and I was sick yesterday.

And my father, he's
gonna kill me if he finds ou...

Excuse me, please. Are you
here because Jack is the...

I haven't seen him in months.

Well, at first I didn't worry,

'cause he told me he
had a lot of cavities to fill.

He's a... He's a very
fashionable dentist.

Uh, did you say that you
hadn't seen him in ages?

Well, I tried to call him.
He just hung up on me.

He hu... He did?

[ Huffs ] I shouldn't have come.

He'll... He'll just think
that I'm trying to trap him.

Oh, well, he has to be told.

Oh, no, no, no! No, please
don't tell him I came here.

Oh, p-please! But...

But you can't. Janet, she can't.

Thank you for
the tea. [ Sobbing ]

Hey! What's your name?

Oh, boy.

[ Exhales Deeply ] Ohhh.

Well, this is typical...
Getting a girl pregnant.

Only a man would
do a thing like that.

Gee whiz, Chrissy. He wouldn't
even talk to her on the telephone.

Hi. Boy, what a game!

Kareem... You
should have seen him.

He got 22 rebounds.

In... In, uh, the
game. Kareem did.

Hey, Chrissy. Let me tell you
about this jump shot he made.

He was down at the other
end of the... the court and, um...

You find it a little
chilly in here?

Jack. Huh?

Your girlfriend was
here this afternoon.

Linda?

Is that her name?
It's too pretty for you.

Luckily, I've got my own
name already, thank you.

- So what did she want?
- [ Sighs ] I'll tell you
what she wanted, Jack.

Janet, she asked
us not to tell him.

What did she ask
you not to tell me?

You're gonna be a father. Nnn...

Oh, my God.

Be careful!

I thought I was.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

Could we get some
more potato chips?

Thank you.

Do you think we could get some
more potato chips over here?

I'm sorry, Linda. Did
you say something?

Yes. I said that I'd like
some more chips, please.

Oh, good. Linda, how long have
you and I been going together?

Ohhh, two or three
months, give or take a month.

I wish I could.

You know what? I could really dig
a pickled cucumber with those chips.

I really got a craving.

Oh, boy. Here we go.

Linda, uh, I never said you
mustn't see other guys, did I?

No. Well then, I guess...

you've been going out with lots
of other guys besides me, right?

No.

When I'm going with someone,
he's the one... the only one.

What a shame.

I mean, that's terr... No. I admire
those values. I think that's... No. Look.

What I'm trying to say is I wouldn't
mind if you'd been seeing other guys.

You could tell me. I haven't.

Oh, well, that makes
me very happy.

- I'm gonna have a bag of chips.
- I know. They told me.

What? All right. Linda,

do you agree with me that
it's important for a child...

to have a father as
well as a mother?

It helps.

Then that's settled.

Linda, will you mm-wuuh... What?

Will you marry me?

Ohhh! Oh, Jack!

Oh, I spilled the
salt. For good luck!

Yeah. Good luck.

Chrissy. Chrissy. Uh, what's
a four-letter word for pain?

Pain.

Come in. Come in. Girls.

Oh, um, hello there. Hi.

I have a very important
announcement.

Linda and I are engaged.

You rotten rat!

Rotten rat?

Excuse me. Why
did she call me a rat?

Because you're a pig.

Oh.

Well... I think they're
happy for us, really.

Uh, sit down and I'll get
you some coffee, okay?

Oh, no, no. It's not your
fault. I don't blame you.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

I don't understand you. I
did the decent thing, didn't I?

She's pregnant so
I'm gonna marry her?

You got her pregnant as well?

As well as what?

[ Huffs ] As well as the girl
who was here this afternoon!

As well as the... girl...

Let me get this straight.

You did the right
thing to the wrong girl?

Right. Linda's not
expecting a baby.

I thought she was 'cause
some girl came around...

and told Janet and Chrissy that I
was going to be the father of her child.

Naturally, I thought
it was Linda.

And it wasn't? No. It's
some girl I never met.

Some girl with short dark
hair who thinks I'm a dentist.

[ Sputters, Coughs ]

How did she get my
name and address?

Uh, listen, Jack,

when you hit me, go for
the body, not the face, huh?

What are you talking
about? I'm not gonna hit you.

Oh, yes, you are.

Oh, no.

Never give your real name, huh?

The body! The body! Please!

It's okay. Hey, Larry, relax.

I'm not gonna hit you. Thanks.

Well, why did you
give her my name?

What's wrong with, uh, John
Wayne or Richard Nixon?

It's easy to remember
when it's a real person.

Larry. [ Chuckles ] We
should've known it had to be Larry.

I mean, of all the
tricky guys we know,

Larry is the most tricky of
them all. Oh, come on, Janet.

He never pretended to be a monk.

Yes, he has... with that
girl from the convent school.

I'd forgotten about that.

Yeah, and you can
stop playing the saint.

I mean, you thought you
were gonna be a father, Jack.

Now, how is that supposed
to have happened, telepathy?

Oh, God. I'm supposed
to see Linda tonight.

How do you think she's gonna take it
when I tell her I don't wanna marry her?

Well, like any normal girl,
she'll scratch, scream, hit, bite.

[ Snorts ]

Stop!

She'll understand now. You
know, she'll know that it's wrong...

for two people to get married
when they don't love each other.

I mean, our relationship
was, uh, purely platonic...

most of the time.

Stanley.

Stanley. Come on, dumbbell.

[ Screeches ] Say it, dumbbell.

Dumbbell.

Ooh! Ooh. What's the cake for?

We're celebrating. Oh,
yeah? Celebrating what?

The tenth anniversary
of my new spring outfit.

You wanna blow out the
candle and make a wish?

Don't tempt me, Helen.

Why do you make a big
production out of everything?

If you want a new
outfit, just ask me.

Okay. I want a new outfit.
We'll talk about it later.

Why later? Why can't
we talk about it now?

- I've had a hard day, Helen.
- A hard day?

It's only 10:00 in the morning.

I know, but I've been
listening to you since 7:00.

Did you fix the window
in the kids' apartment?

Oh. That's next on my...
"Next on my list." Yeah.

Ohhh. Honestly, if I want anything
done around here, I have to do it myself.

And that includes
just about everything.

Another of your
little digs, huh?

Let me tell you
something, Helen.

There's lots of women
who'd appreciate me.

Name one.

Well, there's, uh...

There's that blonde
checker at the supermarket.

Lately, she's been giving
me that "come on" look.

Not with her good
eye, she hasn't.

Well, there's, uh...
Th-There's, uh...

Uh...

I'll go fix the window upstairs.

You'll do better if
you take your tools.

What about Mrs. Wilson in 301?

You see the way she's
been smiling at me lately?

She's just showing
off her new teeth.

Hey. Listen to me,
Helen. Dumbbell.

I'm getting sick
and tir... Dumbbell.

[ Helen Laughing ]
Dumbbell. Dumbbell.

[ Screeching ]
Dumbbell. Dumbbell.

Linda, I wanna
tell you something.

There's something I
must tell you too, Jack.

- I know. You're not pregnant.
- What?

Uh, no. Wait, wait. Hang on. No.

Oh, I know. Here's
what I have to tell you.

I know. You wanna say something
sweet to me, but please don't.

[ Coughing ] Sorry.

[ Coughs ] Linda,
it's not too sweet.

Jack. Uh, Jack, I
don't wanna marry you.

I know you'll think I'm
a heal, bu... You what?

Don't take it too hard.

I spent a rotten
night thinking about it.

I just don't wanna
get tied up right now.

Now, hang on a second.
You don't wanna marry me?

Ohhh. I've hurt you. No, no!

Well, I'm a touch
wounded. You know.

I'm sorry. Hey, honey,
it's whatever you want.

Oh, Jackie! Where have you
been? I haven't seen you for weeks.

Have you been avoiding me? What?

Everybody, but everybody has been
gossiping down at the ballet class.

"Where's your friend," they
keep asking. "Where's Jackie?"

"Where's the cute guy
in the pink tights..." Larry!

No, than... I know
what you're trying to do,

but don't. It's okay
between us, all right?

- It's okay?
- Yeah, it's okay.

Ohhh. Fantastic.

Whoo! You must be
some kind of girl, Linda.

You don't mind that the only
reason he asked you to marry him...

was because he thought
you were pregnant?

- He what?
- [ Laughing ]

So funny, Larry! He's
such a clown. Forget it.

Listen. Let's finish our
drinks, okay? Good-bye, Jack.

Well, uh, Linda,
see you Saturday?

[ Sighs ]

I guess not, huh?

Take a sip. [ Chuckles ]

[ Sighs ] Come on, Chrissy!

Okay! How's it going, Mr. Roper?

I gotta shave this edge.

Oh, well, you can use Jack's
electric razor. It's in the bathroom.

What? Bottom shelf. Let's go!

Well, it's a delicate
little job, Stanley.

Where's that thing I need?

Ah! Here it is.

[ Telephone Ringing ]

[ Rings ]

Hello?

Yeah, Jack Tripper
lives here, but...

Hello? Hello!

How did Linda take it?

Humph. You should have
seen what she did in his beer.

[ Telephone Rings ]

Jack Tripper, phone call!

Uh, hang on a second. Which
Jack Tripper do they want?

Uh, w-which Jack
Tripper do you want, miss?

Ah. The airline pilot
and fashionable dentist.

That's me.

- Yellow.
- Hello. Jack, it's me, Sandra.

Oh, hello, Sandra. Listen, uh,

I heard about your,
uh... Eh, are you sure?

I'm positive. I got the
dates mixed. I'm all right.

Y-You mean you're
not gonna... Beautiful!

I've just gotta thank
you, Jack. You do?

Yeah, well, you know that
lovely ring you gave me?

Yeah. It is a
lovely ring, Sandra.

I know. I just sold it for $500.

[ Huffs ] Y-You
sold it for fiv...

Oh, and another thing, Jack.

My Dad, he's real mad at you, and he said
that he's coming over to your place to...

I gave her my real ring!

[ Laughing ] Serves you right!

[ Doorbell Rings ] Owww!

Ow!

Ah! Ooh!

Yes? Yes? Jack Tripper?

Yes, but I... You
dirty old man, you!

Wait, wait, wait! Hold it!

Hold it! Don't hit! Don't
hit. I'm a veteran. Why you...

When I get my hands
on you... [ Muttering ]

Wait, wait. Hold it. Hold it!

[ Man ] Three's Company
was videotaped...

in front of a studio audience.

Closed-Captioned By
Captions, Inc., Los Angeles