Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 2, Episode 20 - Jack's Navy Pal - full transcript

The roommates plan a dinner for the Ropers, but their evening is ruined when a blind guy whom Jack knew in the Navy shows up. He won't leave until Jack hits him.

♪ Come and knock on our door ♪
♪ Come and knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪
♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ Where the kisses are
hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

- ♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪
- ♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪
♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a lovable space
that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ You'll see that
life is a ball again ♪

♪ Laughter is calling for you ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three is company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous
Three is company too ♪♪

♪♪ [ Humming: "Charleston" ]

♪♪ [ Humming: "Charleston" ]

♪♪ [ Continues Humming ]

♪♪ [ Chrissy Joins In ]

Uh, Chrissy? This is fun!

It certainly is.

Am I doing it
right? You sure are.

I didn't know you could do the
Charleston. Is that what I'm doing?

Yeah. How'd you
pick it up so fast?

I don't know. I just started moving
and everything falls into place.

That's so true.

But it doesn't come that easy for
me. I have to go buy the book here.

"Charleston in 10 Easy Lessons."

Yeah, I'm learning it
from Madeline Wentworth.

She's taking me to a Roaring
Twenties party this Saturday.

Twenty-three skiddoo. Boop.


Hey, well, maybe I
can help you learn it.

Yeah, you wanna? Yeah.

Oh, that's good thinking.
Okay, right here... couples.

Yeah, uh, put your
hand on my shoulder.

Uh, which one? Um, this one.

Okay. And then I
take your other hand.

Okay. And then I
hold you very close.


Very close. Our cheeks
should be touching.

Our bodies should be as one.

Am I helping?

You're not hurting.

Okay, now what do
we do? Now, uh...

We dance. You go back
with this foot on three, okay?

Okay. One, two, three.

♪♪ [ Together: "Charleston" ]

Now dip.

Okay, now what do we do?

I could think of a lot of
things. Well, what are they?

They're all the
same things. Jack!

Hey, guys, guys, there's
gonna be trouble. Big trouble.

Oh, we'll be all right, as soon as
Jack remembers what to do next.

What's the problem, Janet?

Well, I just talked to Maxine
Devlin. Big trouble, Jack.

I don't care what she
said. I never touched her.

Trouble's not with
you, it's with Roper.

He made a pass at her? That
dirty old man, I knew he was...

Jack, this is important.
Yeah, Jack. Stop interrupting.

Go ahead, Janet. Well,
Maxine said that Roper...

Who's Maxine?
She's a tenant in 301.

301? You know, the redhead
with the beautiful soft skin?

I thought you said
you never touched her.

Well, I... Only
around the elbow.

I took her arm once to
help her across the street.

Yeah. Does anybody
wanna hear this?

Yeah, but you keep stopping.

Maxine said that Roper
came upstairs this morning...

and raised her rent $75 a month.

Seventy-five dollars?
Oh, poor Maxine.

Yeah, poor us. I mean, she
lives in a furnished apartment too.

If he raised her
rent, he'll raise ours.

A raise? I-I can hardly
afford what I'm paying now.

I know. I know I can't make it.

Me neither. I'm stretching
it as far as I can right now.

We're all stretching a bit. Not as
well as Chrissy, but, you know...

What are we gonna do?

We'll fight him. We'll
take him to court.

Yeah. Yeah. No, no,
that will never work.

I mean, legally he can
raise the rent if he wants to.

[ Sighs ] Well, what about
Mrs. Roper? She's on our side.

Maybe she can talk
him out of doing it.

Uh-uh. Not when
it comes to money.

[ Sighs ] Well, don't
you two have any ideas?

Do I have to do all the
thinking around here?

We can't let that happen.

I got it. [ Both ] What?

All right. What does
Roper really want?

- A raise in the rent.
- No.

He doesn't? Well, then we don't
have anything to worry about.

No, look. Chrissy,
look. I know this guy.

What he really wants is people
to respect him. You know?

People to admire him.
People to pay attention to him.

He wants people to love him.

And we're gonna
see that he gets that.

We can't afford to
hire all those people.

Chrissy, honey, I think the
people Jack's talking about are us.

Right. Now, we start off by
inviting him up here to dinner, see.

We'll invite him up here. When he
gets here, we'll... we'll butter him up,

flatter him and treat him
like he's one of the family.

He's right! A member of your
own family can't raise the rent.

It'd be like, um, incest.

[ Phone Ringing ]

Will you get that, Helen?
I'm working on my books.

Well, I'm working on my face.

[ Ring ]

I'll get it.

Your job is tougher than mine.

[ Ringing ]


Oh, hi, Jack. I'm fine.

She's fine.

We're both fine.
The building is fine.

Everything's fine. Now
what can I do for you?

You wanna what? Oh, hang on.

He wants to invite
us to dinner tonight.

Oh, isn't that sweet?
Tell him we'll be delighted.

Mrs. Roper will be delighted.

Me? Depends on
what you're serving.

Oh, Stanley, when
people invite you to dinner,

you don't say things
like that to them.

We'll be there.

He wants us there by 7:00.

What are they serving?

Lamb chops, mashed potatoes
and peas, salad and hot cocoa.

I don't like it.

But those are your
favorite dishes.

That's just what I mean.
I smell a rat, Helen.

Oh, Stanley, you're
always so suspicious.

They just want your
company. That's all.

Why would people
want my company?

I've been asking
myself that for years.

The rent. What?

They know I'm thinking
of raising their rent.

You are? Why?

Well, everything's gone
up. Electricity's gone up.

Water's gone up.
Gas has gone up.

Don't forget, there's
an energy shortage.

How can I forget? You
remind me every night.

Anyway, I'm raising
their rent $75.

Seventy-fi... Oh, Stanley.

Those few little things
couldn't come to $75 a month.

What about my services?
Isn't that worth something?

I mean, can you
name anybody in this

building who can't get
me when they need me?

How's that? Oh, it's perfect.

Oh, Roper's gotta be impressed.

Jack, this is absolutely the last time
I'm gonna run out to that market for you...

by myself. Why?

Some creep wanted to
carry this stuff home for me.

Well, what's wrong with
that? He meant his home.

[ Phone Ringing ] I'll get it.

Hey, babe, you okay?
Oh, yeah, I'm okay.

Oh, good. You had me worried.

I mean, any guy who would
steal a bag of groceries,

there's no telling
what he might do.

Did you get it all? Yeah, yeah, I
got everything that was on the list.

Oh, and I had 89¢ left over,

so I got a nice bottle
of wine for Mr. Roper.


Yeah. Well, it was the
cheapest wine I could find.

You could have shopped around.

You're in the Regal Beagle?

Well, you're just around
the corner from here.

Do you wanna talk to Jack?

Oh, okay, great.
All right. Bye-bye.

Who was that? It
was a friend of yours.

Wanted to know if you were in
the navy. What'd you tell him?

I said no, you
were in the kitchen.

I'll bet he is still trying
to figure that one out.

No, it's a joke. He
got it right away.

All right, Chrissy.
What else did he say?

He said that he knew a Jack Tripper
in the navy, who was from San Diego.

And he figured it must be you, so
he wanted to drop in and say hello.

Did he give his name?
Yeah, Jim Walsh.

Oh! Jim... Jim Walsh?

- He said you'd remember him.
- Who's Jim Walsh?

- He's a friend of Jack's
from the navy.
- Jim Walsh never had a friend.

Nobody liked him. That was
one thing we could all agree on.

This guy is a maniac.
Chrissy, look, if he calls again...

- He's not gonna call again.
- Oh, good.

He's coming over. Yaah!

He's coming here tonight? Yeah,
well, he's at the Regal Beagle.

Oh, this is super. You
know, it's the one night...

we're trying to get on Roper's
good side, along comes Jim Walsh.

- He'll ruin everything.
- Jack, maybe it's not so bad.

- Maybe he's changed.
- Not Jim Walsh.

That's the meanest
person I ever met.

One time, this guy next to
him sat on his hat by accident.

Jim Walsh hauled off and
broke his jaw. [ Janet Gasp ]

And when the guy's friends tried
to help, Jim Walsh beat them up too.

- Couldn't anybody stop him?
- Well, finally.

But it took two priests and an altar
boy to drag him out of the church.

- I don't believe you.
- It's true.

- The last time we met
we had a fight.
- You did? Why?

- It was something I said.
- What'd you say?

I think it was, "Hello." They had to
call the shore patrol to break it up.

He put me in sick
bay for a week.

[ Knocking ] Uh,
he must be here.

Uh, well, maybe he just wants
to call and talk over old times.

Or maybe he wants to finish the fight.
Whatever he wants, I'll be ready for him.

Jack, I think you should
take off your apron. What?

Huh? Take off the apron!

I was going to. Just
put it in there. Okay.

Oh, Jack! Put it in...

Yeah, be calm, everybody.
[ Knocking Continues ]

I'm calm. Let's just be calm.

Jack Tripper, please.

Jim Walsh?


I-Is that you?

Jim. Jim Walsh?

- Jack?
- Oh, Jim.

I'm... I had no idea that...

Is that you, Jack?
Yeah, that's you.

Oh, Jack!

Oh, Jack! Oh, Jack!
Are you all right?

I think so. Luckily
my head broke the fall.

He fell? I knocked him down?

- Yes, you did!
- Is he hurt?

Any pain? Anything broken?

Is there, Jack? Jack. Oh, Jack!

Ow! Aah!

- You hurt him!
- Well, he never could
take a punch.

No, not a sneaky
punch like that one.

Yeah, he never
even saw it coming.

Well, that makes us
even. I never saw it going.

That's not funny!

Come on, Jack honey. We'll
help you get to the couch.

Be gentle. Okay, up, up.

Whoa! No!

Okay, over this way. Come
on. Just a little bit more.

Here. Okay, down. There.

Ow! Ow! Okay, easy, easy.

I hope you're satisfied.

Not if he's still moving.

I'll get an ice pack.

Why did you hit me this time?

Oh, don't play innocent
with me, Tripper.

You cost me my
stripes. That's why.

- Me?
- Yes, you.

Ensign Smith would never had known who hit
him if you hadn't squealed to the captain.

- Me?
- Yes, you!

I finally figured that one out.

You gotta be crazy. I couldn't
have squealed to the captain.

I was in sick bay all that week.

You were?

You oughta remember. You're
the one who put me there.

Oh, yeah!

I sent you bouncing down
those stairs, like a bowling ball.

Here you are, Jack!

Oh, thank you, Chrissy, but I don't
think that's gonna do much good.

Why not? He hit me on the jaw.

Oh. I'm sorry. Ow!

Oh. Okay, look.

Now that you know that you were
wrong, don't you have something to say?

- So, I made a mistake.
- A mistake?

Yeah, Chrissy, he should
have hit somebody else.

Why? He doesn't even know us.

Uh, look. Why don't you just
apologize to Jack and leave?

What, let "Jerk"
be one up on me?

- That's Jack.
- He was always Jerk to me.

Okay, let's just forget the
apology. How about leaving?

Okay. Just as soon
as he evens the score.

- What?
- Go on, you hit me.

- I will not!
- Come on. You gotta hit me.

You're crazy. I can't hit you.

Why not? You owe me, don't you?

Well, yeah, but you're blind.

Now, you hit me, damn it.
Just because I am blind...

is no reason to treat me
like a second-class citizen.

Now, go on. Give
it your best shot.

Hey, there's no way
I'm gonna hit you.

And there's no way I'm gonna let a
pantywaist like you be one up on me.

Now, I'm not leaving here until
you hit me. [ Doorbell Rings ]

Uh, that's the Ropers. Look.

I mean, listen, uh...

We got guests, so
would you mind leaving?

Right after you hit me.
Chrissy, try to get rid of him.

- You want me to hit him?
- No!

Look, uh, this is a very important
dinner party. [ Doorbell Rings ]

I am staying right here
until Jack hits me. Oh, boy.

Hi. Uh, come on in. Oh, hi.

Hi, Janet. Oh, I didn't
know you had company.

We don't. Uh, Mr. and Mrs.
Roper, this is Jim Walsh.

Hi. How do you do?


He can't see.

[ Yells ] I'm very
pleased to meet you!

This is my wife, Mrs. Roper!

I'm blind, not deaf.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Pleased to meet you.

I'm holding out my hand.

Now we're shaking hands.

Are you a friend of Jack's?

Yeah, we were in
the navy together.

They let people like
Jack in the navy?

People like what?

You know.

What? What's happening?

Oh, oh, Mr. Roper has
one hand on his hip,

and he's tinkling
with the other.

Well, la-di-da.

Not me... Jack!

Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Roper. Dinner's
almost ready. Why don't you sit down?

We'll start on the
salad, okay? Oh, all right.

Mr. Roper, right over here.
Right over here, Mrs. Roper.

The table looks just lovely.
You sit right here, okay?

Oh, thank you, Jack.

Oh, isn't Mr. Walsh joining us?

No, I'm just waiting
for Jack to hit me.

What? We were
playing blackjack earlier.

I don't see any cards.
No, they're in the kitchen.

The kitchen. My lamb chops.

- I'll still be here, Jack.
- Uh, say, Jim.

You know, I was just
wondering if maybe you'd

leave before you spoil
Jack's dinner party.

Yeah, can't you tell when you're not
wanted? What kind of friend are you?

Hey, you broads really look out
for him. Wait, we're not broads.

Oh, I beg your pardon. You ladies
really look out for him, don't you?

Well, of course.
We're roommates.

You're roommates?

You mean y'all three
live together here?

It's not what you
think. Oh, yeah?

Look, I may be
blind, but I'm not blind.


Come on, Jack. You gonna
take a poke at me or not?

- What's he talking about?
- Nothing. Nothing.

Eat your salad
before it gets cold.

Jack, listen, you're gonna
have to do something about Jim.

There's no way we can butter
up Roper with him in the way.

Look, I'm busy with dinner.
Can't you girls keep him occupied?

I could show him
around the apartment.

[ Mouthing Words ]

So, you were in the navy, huh?

I bet you got some great
stories. Oh, yeah, I do.

Did you ever hear the one about the guy
who's running down the street stark naked?

Hold it! We don't
wanna hear that one.

Speak for yourself, Stanley.

No, I'm talking about war
stories. Where were you hurt?

- Were you in Vietnam?
- No, it was Arkansas.

Did we have a war in Arkansas?

- No, I had a nice
little business there.
- What happened to it?

My still blew up.

Oh, is that how
you lost your sight?

Oh, it's okay. I'm gonna get it back.
Doctors say this is only temporary.

Oh, that's nice. I bet you
can't wait to see us all.

You lose.

Hey, I got it. I got it. What?

He can't see, right? So?

So you just tell him
that I left the apartment.

It won't work. Why not?


It's no good, Jack. You
can't sneak out on me.

I can smell you. All
right. You're asking for it.

All right, come on.
It's what I'm waiting for.

Oh, no. You're not
gonna get me that way.

I'm not gonna leave
here until you hit me.

Okay, we'll ignore
you. You hear that?

Just ignore him. Ignore
him, everybody. Okay.

He's not here!

You're not here. [ Raspberry ]

You'll be sorry.

Excuse me, Mr. and Mrs.
Roper. Hang on a second.

[ Cane Clattering ]

Y'all mind if I sit down here?

No, go right ahead.

Did you change your mind
about having dinner, Mr. Walsh?

No, I'm just waiting
for Jack to hit me.

What's all this
hitting business?

Ignore him. Enjoy your meal.

Go ahead and eat, Stanley.

I can't eat with a blind
man watching me.

Ignore him. Ha. Now there we go.

Ah, and, Mr. Roper,
um, how about...

some nice wine?
Oh, my favorite wine.

Here, here, here.
Let me pour it for you.

No, no, you don't
have to do that.

No, no, it's good practice
for me. Hey, hey, hey!

Ignore it! This isn't happening.

But it's cold! Oh, Mr. Roper!

Let me do that!

Okay, Jack. You
gonna hit me now, Jack?

Food all right?

Mr. Roper, you'd better take
your pants off right away. What?

Takes more than a little wine...

to get Stanley out of his pants.

Mr. Roper, I want you to
enjoy your meal now, okay?

Oh, Jack, it's delicious.

What are you folks having?
Lamb chops. My favorite.

Oh, really? I hate 'em.

Hey, hey, hey! Ignore it.

Ignore it? He just threw
my lamb chop on the floor.

Oh, did I? What a shame. Let
me see if I can find it for you.

No, you don't have to...
No, no, no, it's my fault.

- I'll find it for you.
- Hey, my lamp!

Ignore it. Well, there's
no lamb chops over there.

Let me see what I
can find over here.

He's destroying my
furniture! Ignore it!

Is that my radio?
Jack! Let's just ignore it.

I'll just run in the kitchen here.
See if I can find some more chops.

He's in our bedroom! Oh, Jack!

Janet, now we're here to have a wonderful
dinner with our wonderful friends.

And that's just exactly
what we're going to do.

[ Crash ]

[ Crash ]

[ Clattering Continues ]

My furniture! Here!
Have some salad!

That wasn't the kitchen.

Would you all excuse
me for a moment?

All right, everybody,
ignore him.

While we're ignoring him, could you do
me a favor? Anything you say, Mr. Roper.

Hit him. Hit him! Huh?

Oh, Jack, hit him!

Oh, but, Jack, you
can't hit a blind...

Lady, you keep your
big fat nose out of this.

Hit him!


Chrissy, he knocked the
stuffing out of your teddy bear.

Hit him! [ Jack ] Okay, you win.

Well, it's about time. One thing now.
Just let me know when it's coming, okay?

Okay. It's gonna be a right
cross, and it's coming right now.

Jack, oh! Jack!

You punched him again!

Yeah, serves him right
for trying to hit a blind man.

Oh, come on, Jack honey.
Over here and lean on the couch.

Come on, right there.
That's it. Oh, boy.

You should have
ignored him, Jack.

Come on, we're leaving.

- So soon?
- I'm hungry.

Come on, Helen. We'll
break out the peanut butter.

- Mr. Roper, wait. About the rent.
- The rent?

- Yeah.
- Don't worry about the rent.

- I'm not gonna raise your rent.
- [ All ] You're not?

No, you're gonna have enough trouble
paying for all the broken furniture.

[ Janet ] I hate zits!

You better stop with
those hot fudge sundaes.

I can't.

You about ready
for bed, Chrissy?

Almost. Good.

Oh! Hi, Jack. Hi.

Did you have a good
time at the Twenties party?

It was a disaster.

Oh, honey, what happened?

You and Madeline
didn't get along, huh?

No. I took her home, and
she started kissing me...

and kissing me and kissing
me and wouldn't let up.

Well, what's wrong
with that? [ Snorts ]

[ Snorts ]

You know, Chrissy, you
wouldn't ask that question...

if you'd gotten punched
in the mouth twice.

Oh, poor baby.

You can't kiss, huh? No.

Oh, you can't? One little kiss.

Keep away from me. Keep away.
Come on! Come on! Ow! Hold it!

Hold it! Hold it!
No, don't stop.

Oh, no! What is that?

Eww! Aah!

[ Man ] Three's Company
was videotaped...

in front of a studio audience.

Closed-Captioned By
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