Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 2, Episode 2 - Jack Looks for a Job - full transcript

♪ Come and knock on our door ♪
♪ Come and knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪
♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ Where the kisses are
hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪
♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪
♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a lovable space
that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ You'll see that life
is a ball again ♪

♪ Laughter is calling for you ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪



♪ Three is company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous
Three is company too ♪♪

Hello?

Oh, hi, Mr. Roper. I
didn't hear you knock.

- You know, you left your
front door open. - I do now.

It's very dangerous. Any undesirable
could walk right in on you.

You're absolutely right.
I know.

I'll close it. You alone?

Yeah. You'd better
leave it open.

Of course.

Is there anything I can do for you?
You got any baked beans?

- Baked beans? - Yeah. Carter's baked
beans. I just want the labels.

Are you on a paper
diet or something?

See, they're having a contest, and the
first prize is two weeks in Hawaii.



All you gotta do is eat three
cans of Carter's baked beans.

And that wins the trip? No. You
gotta do a little more than that.

Three cans, and you
probably will.

Look, I don't think I have any, but
feel free to look in the kitchen.

Thanks. Baked beans.

[ Chattering ]

Hi, Jack. Hi. Hi.

- What's that smell?
- Mr. Roper's here.

You're cooking something
expensive again, aren't you?

Ah. So what?

- You can't put a price tag on taste.
- You don't have any.

Hi, Mr. Roper. What kind of
house is it without baked beans?

A house without a can.

Jack, we are supposed to be
cutting down on our grocery bills.

You know we can't afford to eat
that kind of food every night.

Especially with one
of us not working.

Well, you don't have to spare my feelings,
Chrissy. Why don't you come out and say it?

We all know which one
of us is not working.

- All right. You're the one
who's not working. - That hurts.

- You've got a mean streak in you,
Chrissy. - Well, you asked me to say--

I have been looking through
these want ads all day.

Well, here. Let me
look for a while.

Well, there's a lot of
part-time jobs listed here.

Yeah, I know, but none I can fit in with my
school hours. How about this one right here?

"Young man wanted to sell encyclopedias.
Set your own hours. Good commission."

-Yeah, I thought about that one,
but it's not for me. -Why not?

I don't know. Selling door-to-door and
hearing all those women saying no.

I couldn't take that
kind of rejection.

I don't see why not. You've had
enough practice here with us.

Oh, wait. Here's another one.

"Male models wanted.
Ten dollars an hour"?

Mm-hmm. Must be tall,
young and good looking.

No. They wouldn't want me.

Now, why not? You're tall. Yeah.

And young. Yeah.

And? Maybe they won't notice.

"Then place a cucumber
slice over each eyelid...

and relax for 20 minutes."

Is that you, Stanley? Yeah.

- Where'd you go? You didn't even have your
breakfast. - Just went down the street.

I had to get a--

What's this? Oh, it's for
wrinkles around the eyes.

Well, it's working. You
got a gang of 'em there.

Chew it slowly, Stanley,
'cause that's your breakfast.

I got the entry blank for the Carter's
bean contest from the supermarket.

Now all I gotta do is answer 10
simple questions, make up a slogan...

and then mail it together
with these three labels.

- Well, where'd you get the labels?
- At the supermarket.

They accidentally peeled off the
cans while I was passing by.

You're wasting your time. You
never won a contest in your life.

You're always knockin' me.

For once, couldn't you say,
"This time, he's gonna do it"?

Oh, I say that a lot.

Let's see. What's the
first question here?

What's the capital of Ecuador?

- Ecuador? - It's a
country, Stanley.

Let's forget the questions.
Let's go right to the slogan.

I thought of a great slogan on
the way home. Listen to this.

Carter's beans for the
red, white and blue.

If they're good enough for the
army, they're good enough for you.

[ Doorbell Rings ] Get
the door, will ya, Helen?

If they ran a lazy slob
contest, you'd win easy.

Oh. Hi. Oh, hi. I'm sorry
to bother you so early,

but do you have a
razor I could borrow?

Oh, sure. Hey, Stanley, get
your razor for Janet, will ya?

It's not for your legs, is it?
Oh, no. It's for Jack.

Jack's legs?

You see, Mr. Roper, he was shaving
with his electric razor. Oh?

Yeah. But then, when he was
halfway through, it quit on him.

The story of my life.

- It's in the kitchen, Stanley.
- My razor's in the kitchen?

I was slicing
cucumbers with it.

Just press 'em, Chrissy. You
don't have to sharpen them.

- I am trying to help you get the job.
- Yeah. That's good enough.

- Thanks. - You're in luck.
I got you another razor.

Oh, great. Oh, no. Not
a straight razor.

Hey, I just wanna shave,
not commit suicide.

- Hey, I'll shave you, Jack. - Are you
kidding? What happens if you cut my ear off?

Well, then, I'll say I'm sorry.

- Yeah, but I won't be able to hear you.
- Don't worry.

I know how to use it. I used to shave my
grandfather every day when he was ill.

You mean, the one without a nose?
That's him.

Forget it. I'll go macho. No.

Don't be silly. It is not dangerous.
I'll prove it.

Could you go get some
lather, Janet? Sure.

Let's see. There was a balloon
around here somewhere.

Let's see. Ah! It's left
over from the party.

Okay. You're not going to
bribe me with a balloon.

It is not for you. That's
the way they train barbers.

- They start 'em out shaving on balloons.
- But it doesn't need a shave.

If I can shave that, I can shave you.
Hold still, please.

Well, this isn't-- this isn't the
same thing as my face, you know.

It hasn't got interesting cheekbones
or a firm, yet sensitive chin.

Neither do you. Will you hold still?
And just watch and see...

what a delicate little
touch I have, okay? Yeah.

Hey. Huh. See?

[ Both Screaming ]

Where is Freddie? We've got a
lot of work to do. I don't know.

Oh, well, let's get some shots of
you while we're waiting. Okay.

Oh, what'll we be doing today?
It's a new series...

called "Bedroom Playground."

[ Sighs ] And a centerfold.
Oh, good!

I haven't done a
centerfold for ages.

It's not for you, darling. It's
for Freddie, if he ever gets here.

How come the guys are getting
all the centerfolds?

Equal rights.

Would you like me to wear my black
fishnets and my lace garter belt?

Not for this layout. Just wear your
dimples. Can't I wear the garter belt?

I have a head cold.
Then wear a wig.

- Hi. - Yes?

I came in answer to your ad. Look,
I'm gonna be very frank with you.

I have no experience, and I know
you're talking to a lot of people.

And I know you'd like to see some
references to make sure I'm qualified,

but I'll work very hard
and be very cooperative,

so feel free to ask me
anything you'd like.

What's your name? Jack Tripper.

You got the job. No.

I have?

You're in pretty good shape, are you?
Oh, yeah.

Forty-two chest.
Thirty-one waist.

What about the rest of you?
Fantastic.

Take off your clothes.

Uh, are we modeling
bathing suits?

No. Birthday suits.

I--

What's wrong? I just thought I
was supposed to model clothes.

Do you want the
job or don't you?

Yeah, but I don't
wanna pose naked.

Not naked.

Nude.

What's the difference? Oh, there's
all the difference in the world.

Naked is dirty.

Nude is art, and that's
what my pictures are-- art.

Uh, can I ask you something? Um,
what are these pictures for?

Living Love.

Uh, excuse me.

What's Living Love?

You've heard of Playboy?
Yeah. Sure.

Good. Now you've heard of Living Love.
Will you get undressed?

Uh, I don't think
I wanna do this.

- Ashamed of your body. - Of course not.
It's just that I have certain principles,

and there's some things I will
not do, and one of them is--

Did you come here to debate or to make 10
bucks an hour? Where do I get undressed?

Right in there.

[ Woman Screeches ]

I didn't know this... cubicle was taken.
Otherwise, I wouldn't have come...

barging... in like this.

Uh, I'm really sorry. I would've knocked.
I hope I haven't, uh--

Hey. What? Oh, uh--

No. This one seems,
uh, to be taken.

Then why don't you use the empty one?
Huh? Oh, right.

Well, see ya. You just did.

That was Sally. Uh,
Sally, this is Jack.

I'm using him instead of Freddie.
[ Sally ] Hi, Jack!

[ Jack ] Hi, Sally.
You're cute.

-[ Jack ] Well, you're cute too.
-I'll be with you kids in a minute.

Oh, uh, well, listen.
Sally? Yeah?

Why don't you go ahead of me? I
can wait. I got plenty of time.

[ Sally Laughs ] We're
posing together, silly!

You did not tell me I would be posing
with a girl. Oh, what's wrong with that?

We'll both be naked. Nude.

Nude. What about my
family, my friends?

No. I only want
you and the girl.

I mean...

what if they see me?

What? What if my family, my
friends see me in a magazine?

Oh, don't worry about that. You
see, the way I use light and shadow,

nobody'll see your face.

I'll show you what I mean. Here's a
shot I took yesterday. [ Gasps ]

You've got one-- You've
got four people there.

Five.

Hi. Hi. How'd your
modeling job go?

Terrific. I'm selling
encyclopedias.

- What happened? - They
wanted me to pose naked.

Uh, nude. They asked me to take all
my clothes off. Can you imagine that?

Poor baby. They took one
look and turned you down.

No. I never gave them the chance.
I walked out on 'em.

- Why? - Why? How would you
like to open up one of those...

kinky sex magazines and
see me lying there?

I don't know. I think you'd look pretty
cute with a staple through your navel.

I can make more money
selling encyclopedias.

Why'd you take that job? I thought you
said you couldn't handle the rejection.

There won't be any rejections, not with
this sales manual Morris Morris gave me.

- Morris Morris? - Yeah,
that's the sale manager's name.

- It's Mr. Morris Morris. - Sounds like
he ought to be selling ditto machines.

Yeah. But he's a real nice
guy, and the first week,

he's gonna go around
with me and break me in.

Janet, listen to this. And for
every $300 set of encyclopedias,

I get a $50 commission.

What? Oh, yeah, right-- if you sell 'em.
What do you mean, if?

All I have to do is follow this sales
manual word for word, and I can't miss.

Look. I'll show you. All right. Hey.
You be a potential customer.

Okay? Come here. And here--
this is the front door.

All right? All right. Okay.

All right. Knock, knock,
knock, knock, knock.

What are you doing? I'm
peeping through the peek hole.

This is a very rough neighborhood.
Don't mix me up, okay?

All right. No. I'm inside now.
Oh, sorry.

Ah, madam, what a
love-- Hold on.

Ah, madam, what a lovely three-piece
living room set you have.

Oh, thank-- What? Well,
that's what it says here.

See? It tells you what to say
step-by-step in every situation.

Oh, really? Well, sit down.
Thank you, madam.

Now-- Excuse me. Mm-hmm.

Thank you, madam. Now,
you may know, as we do,

that knowledge is the key that
opens the door-- [ Gasping ]

What are you doing? My husband has
been away at sea for 17 months.

Is that right?

Knowledge is the key that
opens a door to a child,

and we have a carefully
provided program.

Oh, I am so lonely. Come on, Janet.
A program for a basis...

of a sound--

for a s-- a--

Would you stop blowing in my ear?
Why should I stop?

I thought your manual handled every
situation? Well, now, wait a minute.

Let me check. Uh-- Oh, yeah.
Here it is. Ear blowing.

Uh-- ooh! Jack! [
Screeches, Laughs ]

Hey, what are you doing?

I'm selling her a set
of encyclopedias.

That's what I thought you were doing.
Are you okay?

Uh-huh. Good.

[ Doorbell Rings ] Jack!
Get off! Get off!

I need to practice on somebody.
Well, practice on me.

It looks like fun.
Oh, I'd love to,

but I need a real customer.

You wouldn't happen to know the
capital of Ecuador, would you?

- What? - Listen. There's an
easy way to find that out.

Let's see. Ecuador begins
with "E." Oh. Yeah.

I used to be very good at geography. I
knew all the capitals of the world...

till these new countries
started popping up every day.

There it is. Ecuador.

The capital is Quito.

Quito? Quito. That's
a very useful book.

You know, I wouldn't mind having one
of those. It came in handy, didn't it?

Yeah. Thanks. Now, where was I?

You were saying you
needed a real customer.

Yeah, if I-- Roper!

He's half-sold already. He
can be my first customer.

Ladies, tonight
we eat in style.

Here it is, Helen. Two weeks in
Hawaii as soon as I mail it.

You're wasting
your spit, Stanley.

You'll never win.

Oh, Mr. Roper, could I talk to you
for a second? I'll be right back.

Talk to Mrs. Roper. Uh--

Uh, good afternoon, madam.

I'm conducting an
educational survey.

Well, in that case,
you'd better come in.

Ah, what a lovely three-piece
living room set you have.

It's two pieces,
and it's horrible.

Yes, now, madam-- Mrs. Roper--
have you ever wished...

you were better informed
about, for instance,

epidemiology?

Oh, I get it. You're
selling encyclopedias. No.

Uh, that is, yes, but I'm not supposed to say
so. I'm supposed to talk about things...

like the Sumatran elephant,

a fascinating creature.

And it's not generally known,
but it only mates once a year.

I know how it feels.

- I just made the 4:00 mail.
- That's nice, Jumbo.

- Jumbo? - Jack is
selling encyclopedias.

Well, look at this beautiful book.
I mean,

it's a world of information at your
fingertips, such as-- right here--

This is the anatomy of the
human male, in full color.

Oh, that's very interesting.

Oh, yeah. Course, Stanley doesn't
have one of those anymore.

One of what?

An appendix.

And then here's the female
anatomy in full color.

Ooh! Oh!

Flora and fauna of the
North American continent.

Yeah.

How much did you say this costs?

You know, if he sells one set of
these, he gets $50 commission?

We can really eat.

Then maybe we should
buy a set from him.

I think I'll make myself another
cup of tea while I figure that out.

[ Doorbell Rings ]

How do you do? I'm Mr.
Morris. Hello.

- Morris Morris?
- Hello, hello.

I'm here to see Mr. Tripper. You wouldn't
happen to be his wife, would you?

No. But he'll be back in a little while.
Why don't you come on in, sit down?

Oh, thank you. Ah!
There they are.

What handsome encyclopedias!
Yes.

Oh, is that what you've come about?
Exactly.

Could you excuse me for one minute?
Oh, certainly.

Thank you.

Janet, there's a man out there
who's asking about encyclopedias.

You mean a customer? Yes.

Ooh. Okay. Let's keep him here
till Jack gets back. Yeah.

Hello. Oh, hello!

Mrs. Tripper? No.

Ohh, uh, uh, uh--

Well.

Won't you sit down? Thank you.

Aren't these beautiful books? Oh, yes.
Hand-tooled leatherette...

with genuine
imitation gold leaf.

And just so full of information.
Yeah.

So, you'd like to buy a set?
Uh, no.

No? No. We thought you would.

Oh, my goodness, no.
I'm here to sell them.

To go around with Mr. Tripper, show him the
ropes. Some of the forms are very complicated.

Oh, you must be Morris Morris.
Yes.

What a great guess, Janet.
How'd you do that? What?

Where is Mr. Tripper? Jack? He's downstairs
right now selling a set of encyclopedias.

Oh, no! All by himself? Mm-hmm.

Why, he's untrained! He
can't do that alone!

Mr. Roper, if you'll just sign here.
Here?

Yeah. No! There!

Here? No. I'm sorry. I have
to sign there as a witness.

Here? Yes.

No! No! Yes. I'm sorry.
On the, uh, bottom.

[ Doorbell Rings ]
And that's about it.

[ Jack ] I sign here.

Oh, good afternoon, madam. I wonder if
I might have a word with Mr. Tripper?

Oh, sure, sure. Come on in.

My, what a lovely three-piece
living room set!

Mr. Morris, I've just
made my first sale.

Fantastic! [ Both ] Great.

Is this your signature, Mr.
Tripper? Yes, sir.

And yours, Mr. Roper?
That's right.

Congratulations! Thank you.

You've just bought yourself
a set of encyclopedias.

And you, sir, qualify for the
$50 commission. Oh, my God.

No, no. Wait. There's some mistake.
A contract is a contract.

No, but I made the sale. Mr. Roper,
would you just cross out your name--

No, no, no, no. I'd lose my 50 bucks.
Oh, uh--

Well, look, I have an idea.
Why don't I tear this...

and put his name there and then my
name up here-- You ripped the contract!

No. It tore by itself. Oh, my God.
I can't stop myself! Oh!

I'm sorry.

Hi. [ Both ] Hi.

- Oh, where's your encyclopedia case?
- I turned it in.

Another day of Morris Morris,
and I would've gone mad, mad.

Hey, listen. I got a job as a part-time
waiter at the Pizza Paradise.

All right. You know, I think you should've
stuck to modeling, I really do.

What? Yeah. A girl
at the office,

she had this copy of
Living Love lying around,

and, well, Janet, I think
that Jack looks terrific.

Carumba. That's not me.
I never posed for them.

Let me see this. No, no, no. I admit
that the face is a little shadowy,

but I would know those feet
anywhere, wouldn't you, Janet?

Oh, right. Mm-hmm.
Those are not my feet.

Oh, and those knees! Mm-hmm.
And that waist.

And that. Chrissy!

Hairy chest, Jack. Those are not my hairs.
That's not me.

Oh, come on, Jack. You don't
have to hide it from us.

Not anymore.

[ Man ] Three's Company
was videotaped...

in front of a studio audience.