Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 2, Episode 16 - The Rivals - full transcript

♪ Come and knock on our door ♪
♪ Come and knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪
♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ Where the kisses are
hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪
♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪
♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a lovable space
that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ You'll see that
life is a ball again ♪

♪ Laughter is calling for you ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪



♪ Three is company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous
Three is company too ♪♪

Oh, Mabel, wait till I tell you.

You know, we're
having our apartment

painted, and I was
cleaning out the closets,

and I ran across some old love
letters that Stanley wrote to me.

Listen. Listen to this, Mabel.

"Darling, saying
good night to you...

means putting my heart in storage
until we meet again." [ Laughing ]

Can you imagine
Stanley wrote that?

The same Stanley who now celebrates
our anniversary with a handshake.

And then it says, "Angel, last
night when we parked at the beach,

and the waves pounded,
and I lost control, and we..."

Oh, Mabel, I better
not read any more.



I'm beginning to break out.

I'll call you later.

[ Sighs ]

Finally fixed the toilet
in 301. Boy, what a job.

Stanley, I adore you.

It's only a toilet.

My heart is still pounding.
Oh, you're an incredible man.

[ Sobbing ] Well, you gotta give
some credit to little, old plunger here.

Oh, Stanley, don't
close the door.

The paint fumes make me sick.

That's a switch. Usually
you say that about me.

Don't go. Wait. I want
you to come sit down here.

I want you to read something.

Here. Here, Stanley.

Read that.

"Dear passion-puss,

"Last night when our
lips met in mad embrace...

"holding you close to me,

feeling every curve
of your body..."

This is disgusting.

What kind of sicko would
write an obscene letter like this?

You wrote it. I mean, freaks
like this should be put away.

I wrote it? That's right.

When? Years ago,
when you were still alive.

- Hi.
- Oh. Oh, Janet.

Janet. Hey, hey, could you
come in here just a minute?

Well, yeah. But
just for a second.

- Listen... - Hi, Mr. Roper.
- Oh.

Janet, uh, we're having the
apartment painted, as you can see.

And, well, paint
fumes make me sick.

And I was just wondering,
could I, well, just

for tonight, could I
sleep on your couch?

Oh, well, sure you
can. Oh, thanks!

Listen, could you make it after
11:00? I have a guest coming.

- Oh, man or woman?
- Man.

Hey, hey. And?

And it is strictly business.

Oh, sorry.

You're sorry? Oh.
I'll see you later.

- Okay. Thanks a lot, Janet.
- You're welcome.

Helen, did I hear right? You're
not sleeping in our bed tonight?

Well, it's only for
one night, Stanley.

I'll tell you what.
Make a game of it.

See if you notice I'm gone.

Hey, Jack. Do I look okay?

Everything seems to be there.

Thanks. I'm going
to a beach barbecue.

Uh-huh. I can see what's
gonna heat up the coals.

Oh, boy, am I glad
that you are both home.

- We're not home for long.
- What?
- We're both going out.

Oh, no, no, no. You can't.

Why not? Because I
have a date coming tonight,

and I need you to
help me with him.

What do you want us to do, hold him
down while you have your way with him?

Cute, cute. Listen, this is not
romantic. It's strictly business.

- He's the new assistant manager
for the new Carlyle Hotel.
- So?

So this is the guy who
orders all the flowers...

for the rooms, the lobbies,
restaurants, the whole thing.

Hey, a man like that could
be a good customer for you.

- Yeah, I thought of that.
- Oh, you got my idea
before I did.

Yeah, see, that's why I invited him
over tonight. I wanna get this account.

Well, have you been out with
him before? No. I've never met him.

I've only talked to
him on the telephone.

Janet, you've been out with lots of
guys. You've never needed our help before.

Yeah, well, I can handle
wiseguys and wolves.

But an old, dull businessman.

I mean, I just can't cope. I
clam up. So will you help me?

Well, gee, I'd like to, but I've got
a date with sexy Debbie tonight.

Yeah, I've got this
beach barbecue.

Oh, please, please. Look. Hey, have I
ever asked you to do me a favor before?

- Yes.
- Yes.
- Oh.

Well, then I'm asking you again.

Look, if you'll do this favor for me,
I'll do all the cooking for a month.

Don't threaten us, Janet.

Please, please. Come on.

Look, you don't have
to stay all evening.

You could just stay till the ice
gets broken, and then you could go.

How about that?

Sure. Okay. We'll
stay for a little while.

Okay. Thank you. I'll just go
and get the refreshments started.

[ Doorbell Rings ]
Oh, no. That's him.

Jack, oh, listen. You talk to
him about sports and things.

Sports, okay. Thank you.
And Chrissy, sweetheart,

- talk to him about
current events.
- Uh.

Right. Wrong, no. Uh, uh.

Chrissy, talk to him about anything that
you have read in the paper lately, okay?

Okay. You know, kind of flatter
him, play up to him, the whole bit.

[ Doorbell Rings ] Jack,
here. Take this please.

All right, guys. We're on.

Oh, hello. Hi. I'm Barry Gates.

You're Barry Gates?

Yeah. And you're, uh...
Very pleased to meet y...

Yeah. Excuse me. I'm Janet Wood.

How do you do, Barry Gates? You know it
is such a pleasure to meet you in person.

I just can't tell you what...

Excuse me. I'm sorry. I'd really like
for you to meet some of my friends.

You're Barry Gates. Yeah.

Well, I'll be... This
is, uh... This, uh, oh...

Jack. Jack, Jack Tripper.

Glad to meet you. Yeah, really.
Oh, wait. This is Chrissy Snow.

It's nice to meet you.
Well, hello, Chrissy Snow.

Well, this is a terrific
game. Who gets it now?

Oh, I'm sorry. I'll
take that, Barry.

[ Laughing ]

"Who gets it now?" You have
a terrific sense of humor, Barry.

And you have a terrific
everything, Chrissy.

[ Laughing ] "Who
gets it now?" I love that.

Uh, Chrissy, sweetheart, could you
help me out with this in the kitchen?

Oh, thanks, honey. Don't say
anything funny until I get back, okay?

Oh, I won't say
anything till you get back.

Uh, Chrissy, honey. You
know, I was just thinking,

it is just so unfair of me to force
you to stay here. Oh, I don't mind.

Oh, Chrissy, that's
so sweet of you.

But I know that you'd like to be
at the beach having a good time.

Oh, I'm having a good
time. No, you're not.

I'm not? No, of course not.

You would rather be
down at the beach having

a wonderful barbecue
with all your friends.

So if you would just ask Jack
to step in here on your way out.

Okay. Thank you.

Oh, I can't believe it.

Chrissy said you wanted to
see me. Oh, yeah, Jack. I did.

Here. Let me help you
with that. Thank you.

Say, Jack. Is Debbie that
really good-looking blond? Yeah?

Uh-uh. That's Tina.
Debbie is the brunette. Oh.

She's the one who looks like
she's always taking a deep breath.

Oh. Debbie.

Well, good. Listen, Jack.

Why don't you go
ahead and go to Debbie?

I just feel awful
keeping you from her.

Yeah, Barry is pretty
good-looking, isn't he?

[ Chuckles ] Well, let's
don't keep Debbie waiting.

Right. [ Laughing ] Right.

And speaking of
current events, did you

read the big news in
the paper this morning?

They May Company is having
a huge sale on panty hose.

Excuse me, Chrissy. That's
not exactly a current event.

It is so. It's going
on right now.

You know, Chrissy. You have
a lovely smile. Oh, thank you.

I know this is gonna break
your heart, but I really have to go.

I thought this was just gonna
be another dull evening, but...

I was gonna tell a great joke about
two old maids and a folding bed,

but I'm sure you've heard it.
Find a beautiful girl like you,

with such a wonderful
sense of humor.

Oh, please. I'm supposed
to be flattering you.

[ Laughing ] There you go again.

Don't get up. I know my way out.

Oh, here we are.
Thank you, Jean.

Oh, Janet. Hmm?

- My name is Janet.
- Oh, of course.

Yeah. You know, your
roommate is something else.

Oh, well, Barry.

I am so glad that
you like her. Really.

And isn't it a shame that
she has to be leaving? I do?

Yeah. Well, I know how anxious
you are to get to that beach barbecue.

Oh, yeah. Of course Barry is very
anxious to get right down to business.

So if you would just
say good night, Chrissy.

Well, actually, there really
isn't that much to talk about.

In fact, I'd sign the
order a lot faster...

if somebody would invite
me to a nice beach barbecue.

Really? Did you hear that?

I heard that, Chrissy.

Hey, I don't think anyone
would mind. Uh, Chrissy.

One more potato, one more hamburger.
Sweetheart. Excuse me, Chrissy.

Excuse me, Chrissy.
Hey, that's great. Let's go.

- Okay.
- So, Jenny.

- Yeah?
- You write up a big, fat order.

And add on 50 dozen
extra "Chrissy-anthemums."

[ Giggling ] You mean
chrysanthemums.

No, I mean "Chrissy-anthemums."

[ Laughing ]
"Chrissy-anthemums."

Isn't that cute?

Do you know how to get to the
beach? Oh, just show me the way.

The long way.

[ Giggling ] Isn't that cute?

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

Hi. You still up, huh?

Oh, am I?

Well, yeah, I
noticed right away.

If you weren't up, you'd be
in the bedroom. [ Laughing ]

Is that the sort of witty remark you've
been practicing on Barry this evening?

- No, we didn't do much talking.
- I'll bet.

We did a lot of singing
and dancing though.

Oh? Did Barry stay
with you at the barbecue?

Oh, yeah. You know, a lot of
girls were really coming onto Barry.

But I thought of you, and I
wouldn't let him out of my sight.

Thank you. Oh, don't mention it.

Boy, it was a terrific barbecue.
You should have been there.

Oh, no, no. I probably would
just have gotten in the way.

- Oh, no you wouldn't. Oh, it was terrific.
- Chrissy.

Barry thought it
was terrific too.

Chrissy, could you please
stop saying "terrific"?

- Oh, sorry. Anyway,
I did my bit with Barry too.
- Terrific.

He is going to order another
50 dozen "Chrissy-anthemums."

[ Laughing ] Isn't that cute?

Cute? Yes.

That's exactly the
word for it, "cute."

You're very cute, Chrissy.

- Janet,
are you mad at something?
- [ Scoffs ]

Did Jack do something?

Jack? Did Jack do something?

Well, what is it?
What's the matter then?

You are sleeping on the couch
tonight. That's what's the matter.

What? Janet!

- Hi.
- Janet.

- What's going on?
- Will you talk to her please?

- About what?
- Ask her.

Janet.

That's right, Jack. That's
right. Take her side. What side?

What is going on here?
We're having an argument.

About what? I don't
know. She won't tell me.

- You're sleeping on the couch?
- My father always said,

"Never sleep with someone
who doesn't like you."

He's very progressive
for a minister, isn't he?

Look, why don't
we all talk this over?

'Cause I don't know
what we'd be talking over.

Well, let's talk it over
until we find out what it is.

Look, my wise old
grandfather always said,

"Whenever you have a disagreement,
always be willing to talk things over."

Well, don't tell me. Tell her.

Janet.

What do you want? Oh, well.

It's just that my wise old grandfather
always said, "Never go to bed angry..."

Tell your wise old grandfather
to mind his own business.

Now, Janet, is that...

Chrissy, you'll listen to my
wise old grandfather, won't you?

Oh, forget it, Jack.

Now I know why my wise old
grandfather always had such a flat nose.

Hey, look. This isn't my fight. How
come I'm the one who's getting hurt?

Well, Stanley.

There's a lot of banging
going on up there.

What do you think they're doing?

I don't know. But I
can't wait to find out.

Helen, I don't
like the sound of it.

Maybe you'd better not
sleep up there after all.

Would you care to make
me an offer I can't refuse?

- Come on.
- Aw, I couldn't sleep
down here anyway, Stanley.

The smell of that
paint makes me sick.

Why don't you stuff
cotton up your nose?

Because I would suffocate.

- Janet.
- What?

Hey. Since when do you come
waltzing in here without knocking?

Shh. It's all right. It's just time you
and I got on the same wavelength.

What? Get off my bed. Shh.

Trust me. I don't mean that.

I just wanna talk.
Well, about what?

About us. Get off my bed.

I mean about all of us. You
and Chrissy in particular.

Jack. I want my two best
friends to act like two best friends.

Did Chrissy send you in here? No,
she's behaving as stupidly as you are.

Get off my bed! It's
about Barry, isn't it?

[ Scoffs ]

Yeah, I thought so.

Listen to me. I can understand
how come you're so mixed up.

You expected him to be a
tired, old, dull businessman.

And he shows up.
He's pretty good-looking.

All of a sudden he turns
into a guy, not an account.

Yeah. Yeah, Jack, yeah.

And did Chrissy have
to turn it on like that?

Now, Janet, come on. You
know Chrissy doesn't turn it on.

With her it's like Old Faithful, it just
spouts whether you want it to or not.

Well, she didn't have
to spout on my parade.

Come on. This
fight is all wrong.

Look. You're unhappy.
You've made Chrissy unhappy.

She's out there right now
worrying and tossing and turning.

[ Knock On Door ]

Chrissy, you shouldn't leave
your door unlocked like that.

Hi, Mrs. Roper.

Oh, hey. Janet said I
could sleep here tonight.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, what was all
that banging up here?

Oh, I wish I knew.

All I know is that I don't
know what's happening.

I'm sleeping on the couch 'cause
Janet and I aren't speaking. It's weird.

Downstairs we call it marriage.

Mrs. Roper, would you mind sleeping
in my bed instead of on the couch?

Oh, no, dear. Not at all.

Oh, Chrissy. Chrissy, I forgot.

I'm out of night cream.
Could I borrow yours?

Oh, gee. I'm sorry. I don't put anything
on my face when I go to bed at night.

That's a terrible thing to
say to someone my age.

No, Jack. No. I just can't.

Will you stop saying
no? I want you to do it.

Mrs. Roper.

Oh, Chrissy. I-I...

I don't think there's
room for me in there.

Did Janet say no?

[ Stammering ] Well-Well...

She has some nerve. Mrs.
Roper, I pay my share of the rent,

and if my bed is gonna be empty
tonight, someone's gonna be in it.

I don't think you
understand, Chrissy.

Janet didn't say
no? Well, yes, she...

She did say no, but not to me.

Well, to who then? Well, I
don't know his name. I mean...

To who? Oh. Oh, no, no, no.

No, Chrissy. There's
nobody in there.

So that's why she didn't
want me in our bedroom!

Oh, no. Chrissy.

Come on, Janet. Be nice.

So this is what goes on under
my nose, behind my back!

Chrissy, I'm glad you're
here. Come over here.

What?

- Come over here and join us.
- That is disgusting!

You're-You're deprived!

Deprived?

Chrissy. Oh, Jack. Chrissy.

Chrissy. There is
nothing going on in there.

All I was doing was trying to persuade
Janet she was wrong about you.

Oh, yeah? Well, how about persuading
her that she's all wrong about me.

I think that's
what he just said.

Well, it's about time.

Well, all right, then. I
accept your apology.

What? What do you mean "what"?

You accept my apology?
All right, all right, girls.

Let's settle this right now.

I can't wait to see
how it comes out.

Chrissy, were you trying...

to steal Barry away from Janet?

Of course not. You heard her.

You heard her ask me to be nice
to him and to help entertain him.

Do you recall that, Janet?

Well, yes.

And Chrissy, do you honestly think that
after the friendship we three have shared,

that Janet and I would even think
of trying any hanky-panky together?

Well, no.

That was the scary question.

Don't you two have
something to say to each other?

Well, Chrissy. I'm sorry.

You see, I... [ Clears Throat ]

Barry was really
a surprise to me.

And I'll tell you, when I saw him, I
was really hoping he'd go for me.

Then when he didn't, I just kidded
myself that you were making a play for him.

Oh.

It's really easy to get
the wrong idea, isn't it?

Like just now with you and Jack.

- I'm sorry too, Janet.
- Me too, Chrissy.

Aw.

Excuse me. Don't I get
anything out of this? Okay.

Yes. Oh, don't stop. Don't stop.

Boy, I'm tired. Me
too. Let's hit the hay.

This jealousy business really
wears you out, doesn't it? Yeah.

Oh, Mrs. Roper, you can
sleep on the couch now.

Thanks, dear. Oh, hey, kids. Is it
okay if I take a bath before I go to bed?

Well, sure. Go right ahead.

Good night. Good
night, Jack. Thanks.

Thank God. At least now
we can all get some sleep.

Yeah.

[ Water Running ]

[ Mrs. Roper ] ♪ In a
little Spanish town ♪

♪ 'Twas on a night like this ♪

♪ Stars were peekabooing down ♪

♪ 'Twas on a night like this ♪

♪ He whispered Be true to me ♪

♪ And I sighed ♪

♪ Sí, sí ♪♪

♪♪ [ Continues, Indistinct ]

Stanley.

Write me a love letter
the way you used to.

No.

You don't love me anymore.

I love you, I love you.
But I don't have to write it.

Isn't it better if I show you?

I mean, I can't show
you in a letter, can I?

Show me, Stanley.

Not now, I'm tired.

Oh, Stanley, please show me.

- No.
- Oh.

I'm tired. I'll show you in bed.

Where's the paper and pencil?

[ Man ] Three's Company
was videotaped...

in front of a studio audience.

Closed-Captioned By
Captions, Inc., Los Angeles