Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 2, Episode 15 - The Gift - full transcript

♪ Come and knock on our door ♪
♪ Come and knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪
♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ Where the kisses are
hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪
♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪
♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a lovable space
that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ You'll see that
life is a ball again ♪

♪ Laughter is calling for you ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪



♪ Three is company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous
Three is company too ♪♪

I don't want to hear it.

St... I said I don't
want to hear it.

Well, you're gonna hear it!

You said that you...
Helen, Helen, Helen,

I'm gonna tell you for the
last time... I can't afford it.

"I"? What do you mean, "I"?
There's two of us here. It's "we."

All right. We can't afford it.

There's only one word for you,
Stanley. You be careful, Helen.

Cheap!

That's not so bad.

I thought you were gonna say
something about my mother.

You're breaking your
promise to me. No, I'm not.



You're not? I'm not
breaking my promise.

Oh, Stanley! You mean we're
going to Las Vegas? Of course.

Oh! But not right now.

You know, I promised
you we'd go a year ago,

but since then, prices
have gone sky-high.

It would cost me a
fortune to go now.

- Like I said, Stanley... cheap!
- [ Doorbell Rings ]

You know the trouble with you, Helen?
You don't know the value of money.

That's 'cause you
never let me see any.

Look, I would like
something put away.

So would I... you!

Hi. I just came to... Now,
you listen to me, Helen.

Cheap, Stanley.
C-H-E-A-P, cheap!

Sticks and stones, Helen.
I could just leave this,

uh, somewhere.
Sticks and stones.

How'd you get in here?

Well, I rang the bell, and-and
then you... Never mind that.

What do you think of a woman who wants
to drive her husband to the poorhouse?

What do you think of a man who
wants to drive his wife to the nuthouse?

You think I got nothing better to
do than to throw my money around?

Oh, yeah. You got something
better to do, Stanley,

but you're stingy with that too.

Look. Uh, you two probably have a lot of
things to talk over, so I'll just mosey...

Do you know he never
thinks of me at all?

He never buys me candy
or brings me flowers.

What do you think of a woman... every time
she looks in a department store window,

she wants everything
in the store?

Last week she saw a jacket
for $400 in the fashion shop.

"Oh, Stanley, I
need that jacket.

If I don't have that
jacket, I'm gonna freeze."

What do you think of that? Well,
it does get pretty cold around...

Do me a favor,
will ya? Butt out.

You asked me for my opinion. I wouldn't
give you two cents for your opinion.

Yeah, he wouldn't give
two cents for anything.

[ Jack Laughing ]

She's got you there.

Well, that was pretty
funny what she...

You got to admit,
Mr. Roper, that that...

Well, when you think
about it, it wasn't that funny.

What do you want? Well, I just
came by to give you the rent money,

but if you're too busy for
that... Oh, I'll take that now.

Oh, thank you. You're welcome.

Jack.

What?

How do you get to
understand women?

If you want to know a
woman, ask another woman.

Exactly.

So what do you think, Jack?

About what?

Well, when I asked her to go to
Las Vegas, it didn't cost $600 then.

Six hundred dollars?
Boy, that's money.

Yeah, so what do you think I
ought to do? Buy her the jacket.

What? Well, you'll save money.

You say the trip to
Vegas is $600? Yeah.

And the jacket costs, what,
400? Make a trade-off. Yeah.

That's not bad.
Still, that's $400.

Now, hang on a second. I have a
friend who works at the fashion shop.

She gets a discount...
25 percent. Tell you what.

I could pick up the jacket for
you. It'll only cost you $300.

No kidding? Still... [
Together ] That's $300.

I mean, I don't know where
I'd get that kind of money.

Here.

Yeah, Mr. Roper. I got the jacket right
here. It's gift-wrapped and everything.

Well, I didn't know if Mrs. Roper would be
home or not, so I thought I'd call first.

Terrific. Well, listen, I'll start dinner,
and then I'll bring it right down, okay?

Oh. Uh, by the way,
Mr. Roper, I got the receipt,

and it only cost you $299.95.

Huh? Oh, thank you, Mr. Roper.

I can really use
that nickel. Okay.

Oh, this is so terrific.

Oh, I got a great card from
my mom and dad. [ Gasps ]

Oh, and here's one from my
Cousin Francis in New Jersey.

Aw, and this one's from you.

How do you know? You
didn't even open it yet.

Well, don't you remember?
You asked me to mail it for you.

Oh. Right. Right.

Well, I guess everybody remembered
my birthday except you-know-who.

Who? Tsk. Oh, I know who.

And he knows who. And
you put who and who together,

and you get him, that's who.

Jack? Tsk. Who else?

Listen, Chrissy.
Are you kidding?

Now, I know Jack didn't
forget your birthday.

Look, I bet he's got
something for you up his sleeve,

and he's just waiting for the
right moment to spring it on you.

You really think so?
[ Chuckles ] Sure!

[ Gasps ] What's this?

Oh, hey. I don't remember
that being there this mor...

Jack. Yeah, Jack! Yeah?

Oh, Janet!

Oh, I knew Jack wouldn't
forget my birthday!

Wow. That sneaky little devil.
Hey, where is he, anyway?

I don't know. Jack!

I wonder what
this is. Hey, Jack!

- Somebody paging? Chrissy...
- Ah, Jack, you are quite a guy.

Chrissy, what are you
doing? You know what?

Chrissy thought that
you forgot her birthday.

Her-Her what-day? Oh,
look at him! Here, come on.

You can stop acting now. Chrissy, you
don't want to... you don't want to open...

Oh!

Oh, my!

Ooh! Oh, my!

- Jack!
- Oh, my!

Oh, Jack! This
is... Well, this is...

This is all wrong. Let me
take it back to the store. No!

I'll just take it back. Oh, no,
no! Oh, it's absolutely perfect.

Perfect? That's more than
perfect. That is sensational.

Oh, Janet, when you said Jack
would have something up his sleeve,

I never dreamed
it'd be a whole jacket.

I gotta hand it to you.
Good. Then hand it right here.

No. This feels
like real suede too.

Well, that's the problem. You
don't want this fake stuff. Here.

Let me just, uh... Oh,
no, no, no. I really love it!

Chrissy, listen. I just got to tell
you something about this jacket.

What are you doing with tears in your
eyes? Will you stop? Oh, Jack, this is...

the most wonderful
birthday present...

anybody has ever given me in
my whole life... No. No, it's not.

Ever, ever ever!

Thank you, Jack! Oh!

Oh, Jack!

Um, here, Chrissy, here.
Why don't you try it on?

Don't let her try it on.
Do you think she should?

Yes, I think she should.

Come on, honey.
Here. Let me help you.

All right, all right.
Here. Put that in there.

Oh, yeah. Here you
go, Chrissy. Let me just...

Hey, this is looking real good.

Chrissy, no. Put
this in here. Jack!

- You are not helping.
- Neither are you.

Will you give me the
coat? Give it to me. Well...

I think maybe we should... Jack,
will you st... What is wrong with you?

Here, honey. Come on.

Put that in there
like that. Okay.

Turn around. Okay.

Well? How's it look?

Oh, Chrissy.

What do you mean, "Oh,
Chrissy"? It's way too big on her.

Do you think so?

Yeah, it makes you
look... You look older.

Well, of course.
It's my birthday.

That's true.

Chrissy, look. It's about this
jacket. I gotta... I gotta explain.

What are you making
that... Chrissy... Oh, Jack!

Don't... Come on. Be happy.
Let's see a smile right there.

See? Do that, like...
Chrissy. Oh, Jack!

How am I ever gonna
be able to thank you?

Give me the jacket back. What?

No, Chrissy. It's okay.

Happ... Happy "birthcoat."
I mean, uh, happy birthday.

Oh, my...

Gee, Mr. Roper. I had no
idea you'd be so understanding.

Why not? That mistake
could happen to anybody.

Oh, yeah. And you should've seen
the expression on Chrissy's little face.

Oh, I can imagine. Listen, uh,

I'm sure when the emotional
impact wears off tomorrow night,

I'll be able to tell Chrissy.

Good, good. Meanwhile,
bring me the jacket

tonight, 'cause I want
to surprise Mrs. Roper.

Mr. Roper, I... I told you, I would
break it to Chrissy tomorrow night.

Good, good. But I
want the jacket tonight.

No, I can't tell her that,
Mr. Roper. She'll be too unhappy.

Look, we both have a problem.

The only difference is, I
am married to my problem.

So you go upstairs and you get
the jacket and you bring it down now.

Oh, Jack! I just saw it! Ha-ha!

The present you got
for Chrissy! It's gorgeous!

Oh, well... Oh, just
the jacket I wanted.

And Jack gets it for Chrissy.

And my own husband is... Hold
it. Hold it. I got you one, Helen.

What? I got you the same jacket.

I wanted it to be a surprise.
You're gonna get the jacket tonight.

Oh, Stanley!

Oh, I was wrong about you.

You're not cheap. Thank you.

But I don't want it.

What? Well, I did want it
before Chrissy got hers,

but, well, now it
would look silly.

I mean, the two of us having
the same jacket exactly alike.

But thanks anyway, Stanley.

It was a sweet thought.

[ Sighs ] Well,

as the Good Book says,
all's well that ends well.

Uh, that's Shakespeare's play.

Well, that's a good book.

Listen. We solved my problem.
Helen doesn't want the jacket.

And we solved your
problem, 'cause Chrissy

will keep the jacket
as a birthday present.

Yeah. Now we only
have one problem left.

What's that? You owe me $300.

What, Mr. Roper?

No, I can't sneak into Chrissy's
bedroom and steal the jacket back.

Because it isn't
honest, that's why.

Besides, I already tried it,
and the jacket's not there.

Well, she wore it to work.

Huh? No, I can't talk
to you anymore! Bye!

- What was that?
- Uh, it was an obscene
phone call.

Ooh. Who were you calling?

Listen, Janet, I-I
want to talk to you.

Oh, yeah, sure. I get it.

Of course. Chrissy isn't
here, so now you'll talk to me.

No, it's about last
night. Last night?

Yeah. See, I didn't even
know it was Chrissy's birthday.

Oh, please, Jack. You
don't owe me an explanation.

I have to explain, Janet,
about Chrissy's jacket. Jack!

There is nothing to it.
It is very simple. Please.

I mean, you didn't know
that it was Chrissy's birthday.

You just happened to go into
the most expensive store in town...

where you just happened to buy her
the most expensive jacket they had,

and then you just happened to give
it to Chrissy with a big ribbon on it,

all on the same day you asked
me for money for your lunch.

What's there to explain?
Right. I knew you'd understand.

Yeah. Generous people do very
generous things. I wasn't being generous.

Oh, you mean you're expecting
something in return? You bet I am.

Well, that is the lowest,

rottenest, most
underhanded... Janet...

I am not finished yet! It is the
stingiest, the dirtiest... Janet!

I did not buy that jacket for
Chrissy. I bought it for Roper.

[ Muffled ] You
bought it for Roper?

I bought it for Roper
to give to Mrs. Roper.

[ Muffled ] What?

Excuse me.

You bought that jacket for Mr. Roper to
give to Mrs. Roper on Chrissy's birthday?

[ Mock Giggling ] You
don't understand, do you?

No. Chrissy picked
it up by mistake.

Wait a minute. Do you... Do you
mean that that was Mrs. Roper's coat...

and it wasn't Chrissy's coat?

[ British Accent ] By, George,
she's got it. I think she's got it.

Jack! Oh!

Oh, that's wonderful.

Wonderful? Are you crazy?

If I don't get that jacket back, I have to
find $300, which may as well be a million,

'cause I don't have that either.
Okay, okay. Now, calm down.

All right. Uh, first thing...
Chrissy's got to be told.

Janet, I can't tell Chrissy.
She loves that jacket.

Okay. Second thing,
you gotta find 300 bucks.

[ Groaning ]
Jack, just... just...

Look, just be straight with
Chrissy. She will appreciate that.

She'll hate me. What's a
little hate between friends?

I can't do it. Yes, you
can, Jack. You can.

You just go right up to Chrissy,
and you tell her the truth.

Then you grab the jacket and
run before she cries all over it.

[ Groaning ] Yeah,
see, Jack, 'cause...

Ooh! See, then, you
can take the jacket,

you can take it, go back to the store
and get all of Mr. Roper's money back.

Hello, everybody!

Hasn't it been
just a terrific day?

Oh, hi, honey. Hi.

[ Nervous Chuckle ] Jack?

Hi, Chrissy. Hi.

Uh, it's about the jacket.

I... I go make dinner. No.

You go make talk.

Well? What do you think?

Uh, I l... I love it, Chrissy,
and the point is, though...

You know, that jacket sure seems
to fit a lot better than it did last night.

Yeah, it does, doesn't it? Yeah.

Chrissy, you may not
like what I have to say,

but it does seem to fit
a little better, doesn't it?

Yeah. My friend at the leather shop
did a rush job, and he altered it for me.

Altered?

She had it altered.

- Oh, doesn't it look great?
- Altered.

Oh, Jack! Oh, Jack, thank you.

See, I told you there was
nothing to worry about.

What, me worry?

Now, watch me from behind.

You can see how good
it looks, okay? O-Okay.

Okay? Uh-huh.

It looks altered.

Worry.

I can't take it back now,
Janet. What am I gonna do?

Well, can you beg?

You would happen to
have $300... Oh, Jack.

I wouldn't happen
to have 300 cents.

Well, maybe I can
get a loan from school.

How? Last time you tried, they turned you
down because your dad makes too much money.

Yeah, but this
time, I'll be smart.

Oh. Changing your
whole image, huh?

Excuse me. Ow!

Well, Mr. Tripper, your
application seems to be in order.

I don't see why, uh...

Wait a minute.

I remember you now.

Aren't you the student
who's living with two girls?

- Yeah, that's me.
- You look remarkably well.

Well, I get a lot of exercise.

I bet you do.

Mr. Travers, I really need this money.
Do you think I'll be able to get this loan?

Why wouldn't you get it? Well,
you turned me down last time.

I did?

Oh, yes. It seems your father
makes too much money...

for you to be considered
a needy student.

Sorry. Oh, well,
that's all changed now.

You see, uh, my, uh...
My father's plant shut down,

and-and he was laid off.

He's been looking for work ever
since, and he's used up his, um, savings.

He's down to his
last... [ Swallows ] dime.

And, uh, I'm sure he's
heavily in debt by now.

What a lucky break!

You mean that jacket
is really Mrs. Roper's?

Well, it was, when it was
a couple of sizes larger.

Tsk. poor Jack.
I just feel terrible.

Oh, Chrissy, it
is not your fault.

Yeah, it's not my
fault. It's Jack's fault...

for leaving it where I
could see it in the first place.

Right, right. And, of course, it
never, uh, crossed your mind...

that that was a
pretty expensive gift.

No. Not even when the tailor
told you what it was worth?

Well, it crossed
my mind then. And?

Well, I just let it cross
right out of my mind.

I don't blame you.
But now you can see...

why Jack couldn't bring
himself to tell you about it.

Yeah. Thank goodness.

Oh, Chrissy. I know.
We gotta help him out.

Where is Jack? He went to school
early. He's gonna try and get a loan.

Oh, I can't let him pay
Mr. Roper back himself.

- Yeah, but what can you do?
- There must be some way a girl
can make $300 in a hurry.

Uh, uh, Chrissy...
Oh, besides that.

Come on. We're
gonna miss the bus.

Wait. Hmm?

You know, I am really
mad at Jack. Wh...

I thought you wanted to
help him. Why are you mad?

I just realized that this
means he forgot my birthday.

Now, exactly what did
you want the money for?

Well, you see, it was Chrissy's
birthday, and I bought this suede coat.

That's nice. No, I
didn't buy it for Chrissy.

You bought it for your
second roommate.

No, actually, I bought
it for another woman.

Another woman?

Uh, she's the landlord's wife.

Uh-huh.

She-She lives in
the same building.

That's convenient.

Three women?

No, no. It's not like it sounds.

You have three women,
all in the same building?

You don't understand. I have a
girlfriend who lives in Westwood.

Four women? Mr. Travers, uh...

I'm sorry, Mr. Tripper, but I
won't be able to approve this loan.

Why not? I'll pay it
back in a few months.

I don't see how you can
possibly last out the week.

Oh, well, thanks, Margaret.

Listen, I knew we could count
on you. Yeah. Okay. Bye, bye.

Hi. Hi. I have been
on the phone...

calling all our friends,
trying to raise the 300,

and Margaret just
came up with 250 of it.

- Two-fifty? You're kidding.
- No, no. That brings
our total to $5.80.

You! But... we don't
need the money.

What?

I've got it. All of it.

Chrissy! How?

I held a raffle at the office.

Ooh! That's a great idea!

I know, I know. A guy by the name
of Harry Simpson was the winner.

I think he was a little angry when
he found out the prize was my jacket.

Oh, well, hey. What
did he expect to win?

Me. Waah!

What? Well, I guess
it was kind of my fault.

You see, I went selling
tickets from office to office,

and I told everybody to... take a
good look at what they were getting.

So, naturally, yeah, mm-hmm,
they thought that they would get...

Yeah. Oh! Only the
guys. Oh, yeah, right.

[ Doorbell Rings ] Coming!

Where's Jack? I don't know,
but why don't you come in?

He owes me... Three
hundred dollars? It's all there.

Where'd this come
from? I sold tickets.

What?

Now, you must promise you will
never tell Jack what I did, okay?

He'll never hear it
from me. Oh, thanks.

How much did you charge?

[ British Accent ] Oh. So sorry. I was
looking for Mother. Wrong apartment.

No! Come back here, Jack.

Mr. Roper wants to
have a word with you.

Oh, how nice. Yeah, so,
uh, Chrissy and I'll just...

You stand there, and we'll just go
out in the kitchen and make coffee.

Look, before you say
anything, Mr. Roper,

I want you to know I have
tried very hard to get your $300.

I tried my friends, the school,
but money is very tight, Mr. Roper.

Jack. Very tight.
No, no. Hear me out.

Jack Tripper always
pays his debts.

I'll-I'll-I'll get a job. I'll get
two jobs. I'll work nights.

I'll scrub floors. Anything. Just
give me a break this time, Mr. Roper.

Jack, you got to do
something for me.

I'll do anything. I'll scrub your floors,
your shoes, your teeth, anything.

Jack, forget the
$300. I'll do it!

What? Forget it. You
don't owe me anything.

Mr. Roper, you're
talking about $300.

So what? I mean,
it's only money.

Good night, Jack.

[ Mouthing Words ]

Jack? What happened?
Jack? You okay?

- I just saw something
really scary.
- What?

Roper turned into a human
being right in front of my eyes.

Thank you.

One hundred, two hundred,

three hundred...

What are you so happy
about, Stanley? I'm feeling good.

Wouldn't you feel good if you got
something that you didn't expect?

I don't know. I'm always
expecting something I don't get.

Come on, Stanley. Let's go.

Is that all you
ever think about?

It's only 7:30.

Las Vegas, Stanley.
Oh. I thought you meant...

We're catching the
9:00 plane for Las Vegas.

Las Vegas?

I told you before, and I'm telling you
again... We are not going to Las Vegas.

Why not? Because I don't have
any mon-mon-mon-mon-mon...

You bring the bags,
Stanley. [ Snaps Fingers ]

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