Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 2, Episode 14 - Three's Christmas - full transcript

♪ Come and knock on our door ♪
♪ Come and knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪
♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ Where the kisses are
hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪
♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪
♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a lovable space
that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ You'll see that
life is a ball again ♪

♪ Laughter is calling for you ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪



♪ Three is company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous
Three is company too ♪♪

♪♪ [ Whistling ]

♪♪ [ Scatting: "Jingle Bells ]

Merry Christmas, Janet.

Merry Christmas,
J... Oh, what is that?

It's a sprig of mistletoe. Ah!

I figure this way it's
easier than hanging it up...

and waiting for some girl
to walk under it. [ Laughs ]

It's my own invention. I'm thinking
of getting a patent on it. Ohh!

Merry Christmas, Chrissy. Umph!

[ Laughing ] Merry
Christmas, Jack.

Oh! Oh, Janet! Oh, the tree
looks so fantastic. I love it. Yeah.

Yeah, it does, doesn't it? Hmm?



Ho-ho-ho.

♪ La, la, la La, la, la ♪

You chopped off
my sprig! Scrooge!

Oh, Jack, I...

Ho-ho-ho.

Okay, why don't we open
our presents now? Oh, boy!

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas
We wish you a merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you a merry
Christmas Let's open

'em right here ♪♪
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy!

This is for you. Oh,
boy, oh, boy, oh, boy!

This is for you. This is for
you. Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy!

It's for you. Why don't
you go first, Chrissy?

- Okay. Oh, I love Christmas.
- Yeah, me too.

I was named after today.
Your real name is Sunday?

No, Christmas. Chrissy
is short for Christmas.

Did you know that? Sure.

Ohh! Oh, Janet, I love it!

Oh, thank you so much!

You're welcome. Wait a minute. I
always thought it was short for Christine.

No. Christmas Snow?

Well,

my father was a big
fan of Bing Crosby.

[ Gasps ] Oh, perfume.
Thank you, Chrissy.

"A Thousand and One Nights."

If it gets me just one,
I'll be happy. [ Laughs ]

Ahh, thank you, Janet.
Wear them well, Jack.

Oh, thank you, Chrissy.

Why didn't you tell me
you were getting him socks?

Why didn't you tell me
you were gettin' him socks?

'Cause I bought mine
after you bought yours.

- Oh, no. I'm sure I bought mine last.
- I bet you didn't!

Hey, girls, girls, girls. It's
Christmas, remember? I bet I did.

Goodwill to all women. I
love both pairs of socks.

I'm sorry, Chrissy. I was
silly. I'm sorry, too, Janet.

And now... ♪♪ [
Scatting Fanfare ]

Janet, this is for
you. Thank you, Jack.

This is for you, Christmas.
Thank you, Jack.

♪ Dashing through the snow
in a one-horse open sleigh ♪

♪ O'er the fields we go laughing
all the way Hee-hee-hee ♪

- ♪ Bells on bobtail ring
making spirits... ♪♪
- Ooh!

Oh, Jack! This is
perfect. Thank you.

This is super!

Well, I must admit, I
do have a knack for

getting the right thing
for the right people.

Oh, hey, Chrissy,

wouldn't this go perfect with
your new peasant blouse?

Oh, yeah! Thanks!

Oh, and this would be great with
your new black outfit, wouldn't it?

Yes, yes!

[ Chuckles ] Oh,
Jack, thank you.

[ Janet, Chrissy ] It was
just what we needed!

Oh, oh! Mmm-mmm-mmm!

Thank you. That's just what I
needed. I'll go in and start the breakfast.

♪ La, la, la La, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪♪
What's the matter with you?

Oh, it's just, this is my first
Christmas away from home.

We used to have chestnuts
and sing carols around the tree.

♪ God rest ye, merry gentlemen
Let nothing through this way ♪

Let nothing you dismay.

Oh, I'm not sad.

It's just that we used to go
listen to my father preach,

and then we'd have open house.

Oh, everybody loves daddy's
parties, even the local rabbi.

In fact, once he tried to teach
him "Onward, Christian Soldiers,"

and it came out
like "Hava Nagilia."

Gee, Chrissy, I thought your
father was a real stern minister.

Oh, he is, except when
he's having fun. Oh!

He always has fun at Christmas.

Gee, I'm gonna really miss
having a party today. No, you're not.

Why? We'll have a Chrissy
Christmas party right here.

Oh, Jack! What a great idea!

Thank you very kindly. Oh!

Oh, guys, we don't have to
worry about making noise.

The Ropers went to Mrs. Roper's brother's
for the whole weekend. Hey, that's right!

Yeah! Oh, that's fantastic!

Yeah! Oh! Who we gonna invite?

Oh... I know who
I'm going to invite.

Who? I'm going to invite...

the most sensual, sexy,
seductive woman you ever saw.

Well, you can't invite one
of us. We're already here.

[ Mock Sneering ] I mean
the luscious Liz Martin.

I really dig her. She's built
like a... Hi, gorgeous. It's me.

Listen, I have just been overcome by
lust, and I've got a crude proposition...

Oh, hello, Mrs. Martin. Could I
speak to your daughter please?

And a... And a merry
Christmas to you too.

I'll call Mark.

Who's Mark? Oh, he's her
latest. He's kind of an actor, sort of.

Oh, really? What's he done?

Well... Oh, remember last week, we
saw that Ibsen play on TV, Hedda Gabler?

Yeah. He was the one who sprayed
the deodorant and went "Ooh!"

In Hedda Gabler? No, no, no, no,
Jack, in the commercial, remember?

Ooh! Oh.

The star of Armpit Theater.
I'll go check breakfast.

Hi, Mark?

Hey, listen. We're having a
party here tonight. Can you come?

Ohh. Oh, yeah, that's okay.

Yeah. Merry Christmas. Bye-bye.

[ Receiver Clicks
] Isn't he coming?

No, he's busy. He's got
another commercial to do.

He's gonna be voice
of a freeze-dried pea.

Ohh. Gee, Chrissy,
that's too bad.

That's really a tough acting
job. What's a pea sound like?

Pardon?

Listen, listen, I have an idea.

Let's make out a list of all the people
that we want to invite to our party.

That's good thinking.
Oh, good. Yeah.

Okay. Um, what
about Michael Keeler?

Oh, don't invite him. Every time he
has a drink it goes straight to his hands.

Well, okay. All right.
Just so we invite more

guys than girls. I want
them fighting over me.

[ Chuckles ] That's okay with me. All
I need is one girl who likes to say yes.

- What for?
- Well, you know what these
parties can develop into...

with any luck. [ Panting ]

I have never been so
ashamed in all my life.

I'm not surprised
they asked us to leave.

Well, your brother was picked
up for drunken driving, wasn't he?

Well, you didn't have to remind about
it over and over again all night long.

They'll never ask us back.

Good. Then it wasn't a complete
waste of time, was it? What?

The only time they
invite us to visit is

when they have something
they wanna show off.

Like last year, they had the
radio-controlled garage door?

Remember I stood out in the pouring rain,
watching it go up and down, up and down?

That's no excuse for doing
what you did in their fish tank!

It was the cheap
wine they served.

You didn't have to pour it in! Those
poor guppies'll be drunk for days.

It's good for 'em. Fish
are supposed to drink.

I'm sure you've heard the
expression, "He drinks like a fish."

Yeah. There's another
one I've heard too:

"Stupid is as stupid does."

[ Mockingly ] Nah nah
nah nah nah nah nah.

Oh, my God, what a
Christmas this is gonna be.

Uh-huh. Oh, you can't come.

Oh, gee. Well, that's a shame.

Where're you going?

Oh, to the Stevens' party.

Well, listen, have a wonderful
Christmas. Yeah, see you.

Well, that's it, group.

That's the last
name on our list.

Nobody wants to
come to our party.

That's because nearly
all of 'em are going

to the Stevens' party
in the next building.

Sounds like it's
gonna be fabulous.

- Yeah, how come we weren't
invited? I know Betty Stevens.
- Yeah, and I know Jimmy.

We were invited to
their Thanksgiving party.

Yeah. What'd you do
to get 'em mad at us?

We took you.

Me? What did I do?

Your juggling act
with their best china.

It's the first time I ever
missed. [ Doorbell Rings ]

Well, I guess we'll just have to settle for
a quiet Christmas among the three of us.

Hi, Chrissy. Merry Christmas
to you. Well, merry Christmas!

Hi, Mrs. Roper. Hello.
Merry Christmas.

I thought you went away
for the weekend. So did I.

Well, what happened?

Well, I don't think that Stanley and
my brother get along very well together.

- What makes you think that?
- They keep hitting each other.

Hey, listen. I got a great idea.

Now, are you kids doing anything
special tonight? Not a thing.

No, no. Oh, that's wonderful!

Why? What? Well, I just thought
since Stanley and me are on our own,

and you guys aren't going anyplace,
that maybe you can come downstairs...

and have a Christmas
party with us.

Oh, well, I don't, uh... Hey,
we'd love to! Wouldn't we, Janet?

Uh, oh, yeah. Thank
you very much for asking.

Oh, that's
wonderful! Hey, listen.

I'll bake a cake, and we'll play
spin the bottle and everything.

- Ah! See ya later!
- Bye!

Spin the bottle.

That's my very favorite game
next to pin the tail on the donkey.

Aw, come on, Jack. I think it's
really nice of Mrs. Roper to think of us.

[ Phone Rings ]

It's not my idea of an
exciting Christmas, you know.

- Hello? Oh, hi, Jimmy. It's Jimmy Stevens.
- What?

Huh? What do you mean, why
didn't we answer your invitation?

We never got your invitation.

Well, it must've
gotten lost in the mail.

Sure we would. Yeah. Thanks
for calling. Bye-bye, Jimmy.

Guess what? We're
goin' to the Stevens' party?

Yes! Ha-ha-ha! Whoo-hoo! ♪
We're goin' to the Stevens' ♪

[ Together ] ♪ We're goin' to the
Stevens' We're goin' to the Stevens' ♪♪

♪ No, we are not
No, we are not ♪

We are going to the Roper's.

No!

Chrissy... No, Jack, we
can't go to the Stevens'.

We promised Mrs.
Roper we'd go downstairs.

And it might be fun.

Anything would be
more fun than that...

Whale gutting in the Arctic,
for instance, would be more fun.

I am really surprised
at you, Jack.

Christmas is supposed
to be a festive season,

and all you can think
about is enjoying yourself.

[ Screeching ]

Oh, well, she is right.

I mean, if we don't turn up, it'd be
a lousy trick to play on the Ropers.

And if we do turn up, it'll
be a lousy trick to play on us.

You don't want to spoil Mrs.
Roper's Christmas, do you?

[ Guttural Groan ]

Wait a minute,
Jack. Wait a minute.

Mr. Roper will be asleep
by 9:30. He always is.

Hey, that's right. Then we can
cut out and go to the Stevens' party.

Yes! Yeah. That's great.

Why don't you wear
the socks I gave you?

- Oh, sorry.
- Yeah.

Hey, we can take this bottle of
wine down with us. It's almost full.

Chrissy, that's cooking wine.

Oh, good. Then we can drink
it while Mrs. Roper's cooking.

Chrissy, Chrissy...

Why aren't you wearing
the socks that I gave you?

Oh. I'm sorry. Oh.

Try to make yourself
look festive, Stanley.

What do you want me to
do, stick holly up my nose?

I don't know why you invited them
to come down here in the first place.

Because it's Christmas.
[ Doorbell Rings ]

They're here. Did
you brush your teeth?

Yeah. Why?

You might want to
smile or something.

Oh, hi! Come in!
Hi. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.

Well... Sure was nice
of you to ask us down.

Jack's been talking about
nothing else all day. True, true.

Oh, isn't that nice? [ Laughs ]

Well... Heh-heh. Oh, my.

What a nice, plastic
Christmas tree.

It's pine scented. It works
as an air freshener too.

Well, sit yourselves down!
[ Overlapping Chatter ]

Drinks, Stanley. I'm
getting 'em, Helen.

- This Scotch is
seven years old, you know.
- Really?

Oh, yes. I was with him
the day he opened the bottle.

I like the wreath on your door.

I saw the wreath. It's very,
very green. That's a great wreath.

Well, that was a present
from my brother Billy.

It came wrapped
around Stanley's neck.

He tried to strangle me with it.

Billy has good intentions.

Here we are.

Oh, thank you. Oh, thank you.

Thanks, Mr. Roper.

- Merry Christmas.
- [ Overlapping Salutations ]

Cheers. [ Chuckles ]

Jack, you know your
socks don't match?

Oh, uh, well, it's
the latest thing.

Yeah. He has another
pair just like it upstairs.

See, I got two pair... a pair down
here, and then I got another one upstairs.

Well, what shall we play?

I don't like games.

Tell me about it.

Oh, I know. I could show
you one of my card tricks.

Where are the cards, Helen?
They're in the bedroom.

See, I play a lot
of solitaire in bed.

Nuts!

[ Laughs ] Oh!

I forgot the nuts!

Oh, boy, oh, boy,
oh, boy, oh, boy.

Stop thinking about
the party next door.

I can't. I'm not talking to
you. I'm talking to myself.

Come on, you two. We
are going to have fun. Okay.

Right. Okay, Jack.
Here, take these cards.

All right. Now I'm gonna use
my mentalist powers to try...

You're not supposed
to shuffle 'em!

Nuts, everybody.

Oh, my, Jack, you
look so pensive.

Heh! Penny for your thoughts!

Oh, I...

I was just thinking about
whale gutting in the Arctic.

Oh, that's nice.

Okay, Chrissy. Take
a card, any card.

Not that one! Put that one back!

Here, take a card.

Oh, that's very good!

I'm not finished yet!

Yeah, it goes on for hours.

Well, it's very good so far.

Okay, I'm concentrating.

Uh, your card is a seven.

Seven of diamonds.
That's fantastic, isn't it?

Amazing! Oh, it's incredible.

I don't know how you do it.

Well, it's very deceptive.
You gotta use your hands...

- This is the two of clubs.
- What?

I know. I didn't want
to spoil the trick.

[ Phone Rings ]

I'll get it.

Come on, Jack. Get
your fingers moving.

Hmm?

On the piano.

Oh, would you? Oh, Jack, I
didn't even know you played.

Neither did I, but we
all gotta learn sometime.

♪♪ [ Glissando ] Oh!

Who was that on the phone,
Stanley? That was your brother.

He found your earrings.
Where were they?

In the punch bowl.
♪♪ [ Continues ]

Oh, that's nice. Has
he been playing long?

No, he just started just now.

[ Clears Throat ] Actually,
he used to play the violin,

but the beer glass
kept sliding off.

I sing, you know. ♪♪ [ Stops ]

What? I sing. You know
"The Road to Mandalay"?

If you do, now's
the time to take it.

Never mind that. Just play a
chord, any chord. ♪♪ [ Resumes ]

♪ Oh, give me some men
who are stouthearted men ♪

♪ Who will fight for the right
they adore ♪♪ ♪♪ [ Stops ]

♪ Roll out the barrel ♪

♪ We'll have a barrel of fun ♪
Everybody!

♪ Roll out the barrel We got the
blues on the run ♪ ♪♪ [ Resumes ]

Isn't this fun?

♪ Zing, boom, tararrel Ring
out a song of good cheer ♪

♪ Now's the time
to roll the barrel ♪

♪ For the gang's all here ♪♪

♪ The queen waiting there ♪

♪ With a silvery crown ♪

♪ In a shanty ♪

♪ In old Shanty ♪

♪ Tow-ow-own ♪♪

- Oh, very good!
- For a trained seal.

What else do you wanna sing?

Do you know "I'm Walking
Behind You on Your Wedding Day"?

Oh, I hope not.

Well, maybe that's
enough singing for tonight.

Oh! Now maybe we
can do something fun.

Ooh, I got a surprise. I
got a surprise for everybody.

[ Jack Groans ]

Oh, guys, Roper is never gonna go to sleep.
He's just now getting his second wind.

♪♪ [ Bugle ]

♪♪ [ "Reveille,"
Fluffing Notes ]

Everybody dance!

Oh, my goodness, look!
It's five after 10:00 already!

This is way past my bedtime. It really
is. I've got some studying to do tomorrow.

[ Mock Yawn ] Excuse me,
please. I'll just mosey on upstairs.

Must you? You really
have to go, Jack?

I'm afraid so. I need that sleep. Uh, I
don't wanna drag you two away, so...

- Oh, no! We'll come to bed with you!
- What?

Well, I mean, at the
same time. Yeah.

Oh, I'm so sorry you
have to leave so soon.

It's just as well, Helen. I'd
like to turn in early myself.

Great, Mr. Roper.
Thank you... [ Yawning ]

I'd like to say it's been a pleasant
evening. I'd like to say that too.

Oh, well, we'll make it
again sometime soon.

- Yes, perhaps next Christmas,
maybe.
- [ Yawning ]

[ Shouting Good-byes ]

I did it. They couldn't break me. I
kept my sanity. [ Maniacal Chuckling ]

Shh-shh! Shh-shh!
They'll hear you!

Come on. We can still make it to
the Stevens' party in plenty of time.

Oh, yeah! Yeah! Let's go! Now we
can meet some interesting people.

- I don't know how you
could do it, Stanley!
- Do what?

Break your own record
for most boring evening.

You drove those kids outta here.

I did, didn't I?
You were terrible.

- I was, wasn't I?
- What are you grinning about?

There's a method to
my madness, Helen. You

know that phone call?
That wasn't your brother.

- It wasn't?
- No. We're invited to the
Stevens' big party after all!

Oh, wonderful! I knew my bugle
would send those kids upstairs!

Oh, yeah! And you knew how much
I wanted to go to the Stevens' party!

Yeah. Maybe now we'll meet
some interesting people! Yeah!

I hope you're not mad at us, Mrs.
Roper. I just want to apologize once again.

We should've told you about the
Stevens' party. Oh, don't be silly, Jack.

The look on Stanley's face
when he walked in and saw you!

That was worth
everything. [ Laughs ]

Here, I'll take him now. Okay.

Okay, Stanley. Oh, oh,
oh! Hang on, hang on!

Mrs. Roper, why don't you
let us help you get him to bed?

Oh, no. That's all
right. Just put him under

the tree. I'll unwrap
him in the morning.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Stanley.

[ Yawning ]

[ Man ] Three's Company
was videotaped...

in front of a studio audience.

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