Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 2, Episode 1 - Ground Rules - full transcript

The roommates attempt to set some rules so that they can be assured private time in the apartment with potential dates.

♪ Come and knock on our door ♪
♪ Come and knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪
♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ Where the kisses are
hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪
♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪
♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a lovable space
that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ You'll see that life
is a ball again ♪

♪ Laughter is calling for you ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three is company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous
Three is company too ♪♪

[ Laughing ]

- Well, this is it. - Hi.

Hi. What are you doing here?
I live here.

- I thought you were going out tonight.
- I changed my mind.

Aren't you gonna introduce us?

Alex, this is Jack. Hi, Alex.

You said you shared
your place with a girl.

We do.

[ Chuckling ]

He's such a kidder.

Actually, uh,

Jack is just visiting
here from back home.

[ Clears Throat ]
H-H-He's my brother.

[ Chuckles ] Of course.

Of course. I should've
noticed the resemblance.

You won't believe this, but a lot of
people think we don't look alike at all.

[ Chuckles ] Well, you know, I
have an eye for these things.

Oh, you do, do you?

Jack, could I see you out in
the kitchen for just a moment?

Sure, sis.

Oh, remind me to tell you about
the time when we were kids...

and we were taking a
bath together, and she--

Look, go find your own
friends to play with, okay?

I'm just teasing. It's a
brother's right, isn't it?

Hey, what is this brother
business, anyway?

Well, I don't think Alex is the type to believe
a man and woman living together platonically.

Oh, then let's try
something he will believe.

[ Screams ] Oh, please do me a favor.
Go down to the Regal Beagle.

No, I've got some studying to do.
I'll go to my room.

You'll look through the keyhole.
That's a good idea. What will I see?

Two people drinking coffee. You
gotta do better than that...

if you expect me to
look through a keyhole.

Oh, will you please go away!

Will you please calm down? I'll go down to
the pub, and I'll stay there for an hour.

No, no. Stay out
real late, okay?

Why, you little
coffee drinker, you.

Well, I gotta go.

Well, enjoy your stay in L.A.

Say, you be nice to my
little sister, you hear?

'Cause, uh, we come from a very
protective family. You know what I mean?

Adios. I'm the smallest of
Janet's six big brothers.

And between us, we're
two miles tall.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

Oh, Stanley, look.

Look, look at that.


Doesn't it give you any ideas?

Yeah, somebody ought to
call the cops on 'em.

Don't you have any
romance in you?

Yeah, but those things
should be done in private.

Come on, Helen. Let's go home.

Oh, Stanley, do you mean it?

Yeah, I gotta do
the books tonight.

Oh, come on, Stanley.
It's Friday night.

Let's go home and
have some fun.

My mind is not on fun.

Then think of it as work.

I don't mind as long as
it comes out the same.

Helen, I told you. I
gotta work on the books.

Oh, tonight it's the books.

Last night you suddenly got
interested in the plumbing catalog.

And the night before you
took out the garbage,

piece by piece.

Well, those things have
to be taken care of.

What's more important,
the garbage or your wife?

Well, you are, you are.

It's just that you're
not as urgent.

You're impossible. Helen, why is it
your mind is always on the same thing?

It's perfectly natural. When
you're starving, you think of food.

- And when you're not--
- All right, all right.

Oh, hi, Mr. Roper and Mrs.
Roper. Oh, Jack.

Look who's here, Helen. Jack.
What's up, Jack? Hi, Jack.

Well, the water in our
toilet tank, actually.

- Oh? - Yeah, it keeps
filling up too high.

Well, that sounds very serious.
I better look at it tonight.

Jack, please. Can't it
wait till tomorrow?


Whatever's convenient.

Hey, Jim.

Listen, I would like a bottle
of, uh, "Puis Fusé '67,"

slightly chilled,
but not frigid.

Sorry, Jack. I just sold the last
half-bottle of "Puis Fusé '67."

Oh. Then I'll have a beer, '77.

Hi. Hi.

What's a nice girl like you doing in a nice
place like this without a nice guy like me?

Waiting patiently. Oh, yeah?

My name's Jack. I'm Veronica.

So, tell me, Veronica.

Would you like to
swing on a star?

Carry moonbeams home in a jar?

Or would you rather be a mule?
[ Giggling ]

I love multiple choice questions.
Oh, you do?

Jack, I have got to talk to you.

Chrissy, can you
maybe, uh, see--

Oh, am I interrupting something?
I hope so.

Oh. Sorry.

We can talk about it later
when we get home, okay? Home?

Oh. Oh! Uh, Chrissy,
this is Veronica.

Veronica, this is
Chrissy, my sister.

Oh, of course. I should have
noticed the resemblance.

Oh, look, if you two have
something to discuss, I can--

Oh, no, no. They can wait,
can't they, Chrissy, sister.

Oh, of course. Yeah.
I can wait all night.

Patience, it's a family trait.

Oh, look. I have to go. Listen. Why
don't you give me a phone call, okay?

Or if you agree to go out with me
tomorrow, you can save me a dime.

Tomorrow? Oh, Saturday. I've
got a family get-together. Oh.

But I'm free Sunday. Oh, great.
I'll call you tomorrow.

I'll be waiting. Bye.

Bye. Bye.

Mm, mm, mm.

Very pretty. Thank you.

Why? You had nothing
to do with it.

What's on your little,
tiny mind, Chrissy?

Well, Janet just kicked
me out of the house,

and I don't think she has
any right to do that.

- Why? You did it to both of us last
night. - Two wrongs don't make a right.

Let's go home. Janet
won't like that.

I don't care. This has
been happening too often.

You girls come home with a boyfriend
and you tell me to get lost.

How'd you like it if I kept coming home with
a boyfriend and told you two to get lost?

That's tellin' her.

You people got rights too.

Janet, I mean, about
last night, I'm really--

Uh. I don't want
to talk about it.

- Good morning. - She
doesn't wanna talk about it.

Oh, you're still upset about
last night, huh? Me? Upset?

Why? You mean because
you two broke in...

right in the middle of a very personal
argument between Alex and me?

And because you told us
to leave the room...

and go settle things
in the bedroom,

which is where we were having
that very personal argument.

Me? I'm not upset at all.

I'd be upset.

Look, I've been thinking. You
know what's causing our problem?

An interfering jackass
of a roommate?

That's no way to
talk about Chrissy.

- She meant you. - Look, look. What
we need around here is a system.

We gotta lay down some ground rules so that
scenes like last night won't happen again.

- Oh, that's a good idea.
- Thank you.

You know what we can do? We can divide
the night into shifts, you know?

Like 7:00 to 9:00, 9:00 to
11:00, and 11:00 to 1:00.

And suppose I like to spend
four hours with a guy.

What should I do, spread
him over two nights?

That's a good point.
Hold it, hold it.

I happen to have a simple but
brilliant plan, all right?

Anybody who wants the
place to themselves...

has to give the other
two 24-hour's notice.

See? 24 hours, and you got
the place to yourself.

Well, I like that. I do too.

Yeah, but I know
how you girls are.

So remember, no
exceptions, no changes.

Okay, no changes.

Those are the rules, agreed?
Agreed. Agreed.

Well, I'm glad that's settled.

I reserve tomorrow night.
I get Monday.

Sheryl said she might come over on
Tuesday. Jerry asked me out Wednesday.

I've got a date with the Lowell
twins Thursday and Friday. Stop it!

I would like to squeeze in there
somewhere between now and Christmas.

Tonight's still free.
Take tonight.

Oh, okay. I'll take tonight.
Yeah, yeah.

There's a great Humphrey Bogart movie
on the tube I've been dying to see.

[ Phone Ringing ] I'll get it.

A movie on the tube, huh? Yeah.

I've got an idea. How about I call up Alex
and ask him to give you another chance?

Of all the stupid ideas. Hey, is that
any way to talk to your brother?

Jack, it's for you.


Who is it? She
said to tell you...

it's someone who'd
rather not be a mule.

Hello, Veronica? Hi.

Excuse me, Veronica.

Chrissy. Why do you
want her to be a mule?

I don't. But why did she say--

Chrissy, it was a joke.

Oh. I don't get it.

Hello, Veronica. Hi. How
did you get my number?

Oh, the bartender. Hey, listen.

I got tomorrow night all planned. You'll
come over to my place and I'll cook up a--

Huh? I thought you said you
had a family get-together--

Oh, switched, huh?

Tonight. Oh, wow.
Tonight would be--

Oh, uh, tonight. Uh, well, see,

tonight I-I don't have--

No. You see, Janet--
J-J-- I mean, gee, uh--

I can't-- Sure, I
wanna see you, but--

Swing on a star?

Listen, we got a date.

Okay, listen. I'll meet you
at the Regal Beagle at 6:00.

No, no, no. No problem at all.

Everything's fine. I'll see you then.

Why do I lie like that?

Janet? Mm-hmm.

I'm really sorry
about last night.

And for anything else I've ever done wrong
since I met you, I'll make it up to you.

For instance, if you ever wanted
to, uh, trade nights with me,

if it meant a lot to you,
it would be okay with me.

Oh, no, Jack. I would never ask.
Go ahead, ask.

I mean, you know, like if
you're not happy with tonight.

Oh, tonight's great. I
love Humphrey Bogart.

No, what I meant was maybe you'd
like tomorrow night. Why?

Uh, well, you see, uh,

I made this date for tomorrow night,
but it got switched to tonight.

And knowing what a warm, generous,
bighearted person you are--

Why, of all the nerve.

After you insisted on no changes, you
come in here and ask me to change!

Just this once. Jack, those rules have
only been in effect for two minutes.

Please? You're not being fair.

[ Gasps ] You made your
bed, now you lie in it.

I can't, it's not my night.

Hi, Janet. Where's Jack? Hi.

You mean "hot-to-trot Tripper"?

He already left. Hey, are
you still mad at him?


he's got a lot of nerve,
I'll say that for him.

I mean, first he makes up the rules,
and then he wants to change them.

- Isn't that just like a man? - Yeah, a woman
would never do anything like that, would she?

Well, of course not. Unless
there was a very special reason.

Like what? Like Eddie maybe?

You know, Eddie from the office.

Well, he's taking
me out tonight.

And, naturally, he'll
want to see me home.

Naturally, you'll want to
have him in for coffee.

Well, isn't that a special reason?

Then can I switch
nights with you?

You're in luck. Humphrey
Bogart isn't talking tonight.

What? The sound is out again.

Oh. Look, I'll
go catch a movie,

and you can have the apartment
all to yourself. Oh, thank you.

And listen, you can come
back whenever you like.

Gee, Chrissy, I hope you don't have that
same problem I had last week with Bob.

What problem? Well, he kept looking
for a parking place for his hands.

[ Sighs ] Why can't
a guy realize...

that when a girl says no,
she really means no? Right.

[ Chuckles ] Except
when she means maybe.

Do you want these on your tab too?
Yes, please.

I don't have any cash on me, or
anywhere else for that matter.

[ Chuckling ] I know him.

How long we gonna stay here? Don't you
like this place? The Regal Beagle.

You know, it's a great place. Just
like home, you can really relax here.

Why don't we go to your
place and have a drink?

Uh, well, uh-- Oh, this
is so embarrassing.

Uh, if you must know,
it's not my night.

Well, how do you know if
you haven't even tried?

See, what I meant--
I wasn't talk--

No, okay. See, uh.

My place is taken. Yeah. My
sister is entertaining her fiancé.

Oh, that's too bad. Yeah, we
don't think much of him either.

But we can have gobs of fun here.

How? How? How.

Uh, well. How?

Uh, well, I can show you
my do-it-yourself toy. Huh?

Yeah, it's sensational.
Here it comes.

All right now. You
just wind the thumb.

What? Just wind up the thumb,

and don't stop until
I tell you to.

It'll kill you. Okay, faster.
Faster, faster.

Okay, let go. [ Whooping ]

[ Imitating Gunshots ]

It went after the sandwich,
and I had to shoot it.

Maybe I'll get us
some more wine, okay?

Jack, my boy. Hi, Mr. Roper. Two
glasses of white wine, please.

Oh, thanks, Jack. No, the
second one's for a friend.

Oh, which one is it? The guy with the
leather jacket and the matching purse?

No, he's not my type.

Be back in a minute, honey.

Who's that? Oh, it's a friend.

Uh-huh? Oh, we're just pals. It's
like you going out with the guys.

You two go bowling?
Something like that.

Does she know that you're, uh--

She knows exactly
what I am, thank you.

You know, you're lucky, Jack.

You can be pals with women.

I mean, you don't have the same
problems that a regular man has.

Like what? Well, you'll never
have a wife nagging you.

Not that I have anything
against marriage, but, uh,

wives can be very demanding.

You know, they're always
asking you to-to--

to do things.

What kind of things?
You know, like things.

Like, uh, things.

Like? Like, uh, uh--

Like putting up a shelf? That's it.
Putting up shelves.

And they're never satisfied. I mean, it's
not as though I never put up a shelf.

But, I mean, maybe I don't put up
as many shelves as some husbands,


But then, I put up shelves.

I'm sure you do.

If Helen had her way,

I'd be putting up a
shelf every night.

That's a lot of shelves.

What I don't understand is--

I'm back. Oh.

Ever since she's given up smoking, she
doesn't know what to do with her hands.

Oh, the poor kid. Yeah. Well,
nice seeing you, Mr. Roper.

Oh, Jack. I promise to get to the
toilet as soon as possible. Huh?

Thank you. I-I--

I went up to fix it tonight,
but there was nobody home.

And I don't like to barge in on people when
they're not there. Hold it. Run that again.

I don't like to barge in
on people-- Before that.

I'll try to get to the
toilet-- After that.

Nobody was home. That's it!

Nice, bumping into you, Mr.
Roper. What?

Nobody's home, you know what that means?
I think so.

Maybe we can put up a shelf.

Hello? Anybody home?

Come on in. [ Giggling ]

Alone at last. Yeah.

Can I get you something? A glass
of white wine would be nice.

You got it. Wait a minute.

I don't think we have
any left in the house.

Oh, it's just as well. If I had another
drink, I might do something very foolish.

I'll find something.

I'll have better
luck in the kitchen.

Well, while you're doing that, maybe
I'll just freshen up a little.

Yeah, you do that. Right in there. And
then I'll meet you right back here.

Ciao. Ciao.

[ Giggling ] I had
a wonderful time.

No, you can't come in.
It's very late.

But thank you for a
lovely evening though.

Watch your hand.

Surprise! [ Screams ]

- This isn't what you're seeing!
- Your own sister?

No, wait. See, I can explain.

I've seen some pretty kinky
things, but with your own sister?

And who's this one,
another sister?

Oh, right. Our friends
call us Donny and Marie.

Wait, wait, wait. Let me just
explain something. You sickie!

Wait, Veronica, calm down. You
come near me and I will scream!

No, wait-- You, you sickie!

I am not a sickie!
I'm just a liar!

What are you doing here anyway?

You broke your own ground rule.
I heard the apartment was empty.

You were the one who said there was
no exceptions. No, but Mr. R--

I think there should be a
penalty for this. So do I.

Look, let's make a new
rule, all right? Okay.

From now on, anybody who's in the
apartment when it's not their night...

- will lose their turn for an entire
month. - I second that motion.

Come on, come on. Then let's put it to
a vote. All in favor, raise your hands.

One, two, three.
Hey, wait a minute--

It's unanimous. No.

[ Gargling ]

[ Gargling ]

Stanley, is that you?

Did I wake you, Helen?

You've been doing the
books all this time?

No, I took a little walk.

And I stopped by
the Regal Beagle,

and I got to thinking that...

I haven't been putting
up enough shelves lately.

You've had too much to drink.

I had just enough.

Helen, now that you're awake,

I can tell you I have no
more little jobs to do.


I have one more
little job to do.

Oh, Stanley.

Do you mean it?

A man's gotta do what
a man's gotta do.

Oh, Stanley.

Be gentle with me, Helen.

What's that? It's water.

Water leaking through
the ceiling.

Their tank overflowed.

I gotta go up and fix it.

Leave it!

Tonight let's drown.

[ Man ] Three's Company
was videotaped...

in front of a studio audience.