Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 1, Episode 3 - Roper's Niece - full transcript
Stanley Roper's niece has come to visit him and Helen, but she becomes bored. Feeling that he's a "safe" choice from any fooling around with her, Stanley gets her set up on a date with Jack and gives him $50. Jack says no, but after seeing Karen, says yes and misses Janet's birthday party. Later, while Janet & Chrissy are having cake upstairs, Karen throws herself at Jack in the Roper's living room and Stanley walks in! Will Jack be able to smooth things out between him, the girls and Mr. Roper and be able to stay?
[MUSIC]
♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR
(COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR) ♪
♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU
(WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU) ♪
♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE
HERS AND HERS AND HIS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR
(COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR) ♪
♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW
(TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW) ♪
♪ WE'VE A LOVABLE SPACE
THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ YOU'LL SEE THAT
LIFE IS A BALL AGAIN ♪
♪ LAUGHTER IS CALLING FOR YOU ♪
♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS
(DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS) ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
BE QUIET HELEN, YOU'RE
GOING TO WAKE KAREN.
FILING MY NAILS IS GOING
TO WAKE UP YOUR NIECE?
IT'S NOT THE FILING,
IT'S THE BREAKING.
EVERY TIME YOU BREAK A
NAIL YOU SWEAR LOUD ENOUGH
TO WAKE THE DEAD.
OH, SO THAT'S WHAT
GOT YOU UP. [LAUGHTER]
JUST HOLD IT DOWN, WILL YA?
I MEAN SHE FLEW IN FROM
NEW YORK AND SHE'S TIRED.
YOU'VE HEARD OF
JET LAG, HAVEN'T YOU?
HEARD OF IT?
I MARRIED IT.
SHE'S TRYING TO ADJUST
TO A NEW TIME ZONE.
SHE'S TRYING TO ADJUST
TO LIVING THE LIFE OF A NUN.
[LAUGHTER]
WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
YOU NEVER LET HER
OUT OF YOUR SIGHT.
YOU'RE MORE LIKE HER
JAILER THAN HER UNCLE.
THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
SHE'S HAVING A GOOD TIME.
SHE'S HAVING A BORING TIME.
BORING? HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?
DIDN'T I TAKE HER TO DISNEYLAND?
DIDN'T I TAKE HER TO THE MUSEUM?
DIDN'T I WALK OUT TO THE
END OF THE PIER WITH HER?
DIDN'T I TELL HER EVERY NIGHT
ABOUT MY EXPERIENCES IN THE WAR?
YOU CALL THAT BORING, HUH?
HELEN?
[LAUGHTER]
HELEN?
OH, SORRY STANLEY, I
MUST'VE DRIFTED OFF.
LOOK, I PROMISED MY BROTHER
THAT I'D TAKE GOOD CARE OF HER
AND THAT'S JUST WHAT I'M DOING.
OH, WELL, SHE OUGHT TO
BE OUT HAVING SOME FUN
WITH PEOPLE HER OWN AGE.
SHE OUGHT TO BE OUT DATING.
DATING?
IN THIS CITY?
IT'S CRAWLING WITH FREAKS AND——
AND WEIRDOS AND——AND PERVERTS.
OH, I WASN'T TALKING ABOUT
YOUR FRIENDS STANLEY.
I JUST HOPE YOU DON'T MAKE
A CRACK LIKE THAT IN FRONT
OF KAREN, YOU'LL GIVE HER
THE WRONG IDEA OF HER UNCLE.
OH, I THINK SHE HAS
THE RIGHT IDEA OF YOU.
[LAUGHTER]
I HOPE SO.
OH!
WHAT? WHAT?
WHY DON'T YOU LET HER
MEET THE KIDS UPSTAIRS?
YOU MEAN THE ANDREWS
SISTERS?
ANDREWS SISTERS?
YEAH, PATTY, MAXINE,
AND TINKERBELL.
[LAUGHTER]
OH, OF COURSE,
YOU'RE RIGHT, STANLEY.
OH, I FORGOT.
SHE'D NEVER BE INTERESTED
IN A FELLA LIKE JACK.
YOU MEAN HE WOULD NEVER
BE INTERESTED IN ANY GIRL.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND
PEOPLE LIKE JACK.
WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE.
FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE,
YOU GOT A SMART IDEA.
WE SHOULD PUT THIS DATE
DOWN ON THE CALENDAR.
WHEN SHE GETS UP
AND GETS DRESSED,
I'M GOING TO GO TALK TO
JACK ABOUT TAKING HER OUT.
I MEAN DATING HIM IS AS
SAFE AS SENDING HER OUT
IN AN ARMORED TRUCK.
[LAUGHTER]
HEY, I GOT JANET'S
BIRTHDAY CAKE.
OH, GOOD.
WHERE'S THE BIRTHDAY GIRL?
OH, SHE'S IN THE KITCHEN KEEPING
AN EYE ON YOUR BIRTHDAY DINNER.
AND WHO'S KEEPING AN EYE ON HER?
[LAUGHTER]
OH, YOU SHOULDN'T
SNEAK UP LIKE THAT.
AND YOU SHOULDN'T
TURN AROUND LIKE THAT
WHEN I'M SNEAKING UP LIKE THAT.
I WAS GOING TO GIVE YOU A
BIG SURPRISE BIRTHDAY KISS.
WELL, WHY DID YOU
HAVE TO SNEAK UP?
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?
PHONE FOR AN APPOINTMENT?
NO.
OKAY, YOU CAN KISS ME NOW.
NO, THE MOMENT'S RUINED.
[LAUGHTER]
MAYBE I'LL GO AND SNEAK
UP AND SURPRISE CHRISSY.
IT'S NOT HER
BIRTHDAY TILL JANUARY.
WHY WAIT TILL THE LAST MINUTE?
JACK.
I WANT MY BIRTHDAY KISS.
ALL RIGHT.
SURPRISE.
[LAUGHTER]
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
NO, YOU.
RIGHT.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
[LAUGHTER]
YOU——YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE.
MY PLEASURE.
OH, OH, GEE, WE'RE STUCK, WAIT.
OH, WELL, THERE'S NO SENSE
IN WASTING ALL THIS CLOSENESS.
WELL, LET'S JUST SAVE
THAT FOR NEXT YEAR.
JUST GET MY CHAIN
UNSTUCK I GOT IT.
OH, BE CAREFUL,
IT'S VERY SPECIAL.
WHY?
MY GRANDMOTHER GAVE IT TO ME.
IT USED TO HAVE A BEAUTIFUL
CAMEO HANGING FROM IT.
OH, DID YOU LOSE IT?
NO, I HOCKED IT.
[LAUGHTER]
IT WAS ABOUT THREE MONTHS
AGO, WE NEEDED RENT MONEY.
UH, JACK, COULD I
SEE YOU FOR A MINUTE?
SURE.
SORRY, KID, YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE.
[LAUGHTER]
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY JIMMY?"
WHO IS JIMMY?
I DON'T KNOW.
SOME GUY WHO DIDN'T
PICK UP HIS CAKE.
[LAUGHTER]
THAT——THAT'S WHY I
GOT IT AT HALF—PRICE.
YOU CAN'T GIVE JANET A
JIMMY CAKE, SHE MIGHT NOTICE.
CHRISSY, IT'S EASILY FIXED.
ALL I HAVE TO DO IS
SCRAPE OFF THE "IMMY,"
SO IT READS HAPPY BIRTHDAY
"J," WHICH IS EVEN BETTER,
HAS THAT INFORMAL TOUCH.
[LAUGHTER]
WHERE YOU GOING?
INTO THE KITCHEN
TO FIX THE CAKE.
BUT WHAT ABOUT JANET?
I LIKE HER THE WAY SHE
IS, I'LL JUST FIX THE CAKE.
[LAUGHTER]
WHAT I MEAN IS
WHAT IF SHE SEES IT?
IT'LL SPOIL THE WHOLE SURPRISE.
CHRISSY, SHE KNOWS
IT'S HER BIRTHDAY.
SHE KNOWS I'M COOKING A
SPECIAL DINNER TO CELEBRATE.
SHE EVEN TOLD ME
WHERE TO BUY THE CAKE.
WELL, THAT'S WHAT I MEAN.
ONE MORE HINT AND SHE'S
GOING TO KNOW FOR SURE.
[LAUGHTER]
OKAY, I'LL DO IT LATER.
WHAT DID YOU GET
JANET FOR HER BIRTHDAY?
OH, I GOT HER A TERRIFIC SCARF.
OH, THAT'S NICE.
WELL, IT'S NOT ONLY
PRETTY, IT'S PRACTICAL.
IT GOES WITH ALL MY OUTFITS TOO.
[LAUGHTER]
I WISH I COULD RAISE SOME
MONEY TO GET JANET A PRESENT.
[DOORBELL]
OH, YOU'RE COOKING
DINNER, THAT'S ENOUGH.
HI.
UH, WOULD YOU EXCUSE US, PLEASE?
DO YOU WANT TO BE ALONE?
[LAUGHTER]
NO, I WANT TO TALK TO JACK.
IT'LL JUST BE A MINUTE.
OKAY.
DO YOU WANT TO SIT DOWN?
DO YOU, UH, ENJOY BEING HERE?
YOU MEAN WITH YOU?
[LAUGHTER]
NO, I——I MEAN IN THIS APARTMENT?
YEAH, IT'S FINE.
THAT——THAT'S GOOD.
YOU DON'T MIND IF I'M
A LITTLE NOSY, DO YOU?
WELL, WE'RE GETTING USED TO IT.
I WAS JUST WONDERING.
DID YOU EVER TAKE
OUT A GIRL BEFORE?
BEFORE WHAT?
[LAUGHTER]
I MEAN IT'S NOT AGAINST THE
RULES FOR YOU FELLAS, IS IT?
RULES?
I MEAN BECAUSE, WELL, LIKE,
I GO OUT WITH OTHER GUYS.
YOU DO?
[LAUGHTER]
NO, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
I GO BOWLING OR
GO TO A BALL GAME.
OH, WELL, I COULD DO
THAT WITH A GIRL, I GUESS.
THAT'S TERRIFIC.
BECAUSE I WOULDN'T
WANT YOU TO DO ANYTHING
THAT WOULD GO
AGAINST YOUR RELIGION.
[LAUGHTER]
I'M NOT SURE I'M FOLLOWING YOU.
WELL, SEE, WE HAVE THIS NIECE
VISITING US AND MRS. ROPER
AND I WERE JUST WONDERING
IF—— IF IT WOULD BE ALL RIGHT
IF SHE WENT OUT
WITH YOU TONIGHT?
OH, YOU WANT ME TO
GO OUT WITH YOUR NIECE?
YEAH, BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO
GO ANYWHERE WHERE YOU MIGHT
BUMP INTO SOME OF YOUR FRIENDS.
OH, WELL, THANK YOU.
[LAUGHTER]
WELL, YOU COULD
TAKE HER DANCING.
DANCING?
YEAH, THE WAY THE
KIDS DANCE NOWADAYS,
YOU DON'T EVEN
HAVE TO TOUCH HER.
[LAUGHTER]
MR. ROPER, I'D BE HAPPY
TO TAKE OUT YOUR NIECE.
WONDERFUL.
BUT I CAN'T.
TODAY IS JANET'S BIRTHDAY
AND I DON'T WANT TO MISS THAT.
WE GOT A CAKE.
WE'RE PLANNING
DINNER AND EVERYTHING.
OH, WELL—... SORRY.
COULD YOU PUT OFF THE
BIRTHDAY UNTIL TOMORROW?
I'M SORRY, BUT
THANKS FOR ASKING.
I'M VERY FLATTERED.
YEAH, I KNEW YOU WOULD BE.
[LAUGHTER]
OF COURSE, OF COURSE,
I WOULDN'T WANT YOU
TO DO ANYTHING
AGAINST YOUR RELIGION.
OH, YOU HEARD?
WELL, OF COURSE WE DID.
WE WERE EAVESDROPPING.
[LAUGHTER]
I THINK IT IS VERY NOBLE OF YOU
TO TURN HIM DOWN ON MY ACCOUNT.
WELL, IT WASN'T QUITE
AS NOBLE AS YOU THINK.
WHY NOT?
SUDDENLY I GOT A VISION OF WHAT
ROPER'S NIECE WOULD LOOK LIKE.
OH, YEAH, IMAGINE
ROPER'S FACE ON A GIRL.
[LAUGHTER]
IMAGINE ROPER'S BODY ON A GIRL.
WELL, I STILL THINK IT
WAS REALLY NICE OF YOU
TO STAY FOR MY BIRTHDAY.
HEY, I WOULDN'T MISS YOUR
BIRTHDAY FOR ANYTHING.
WHAT DO YOU THINK I
AM? SOME KIND OF A FINK?
AHEM, JACK, UH, DON'T YOU
HAVE SOMETHING TO DO?
HUM?
LIKE PICK UP THE WINE
FOR THE YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU MEAN THE WINE FOR MY
SURPRISE BIRTHDAY PARTY?
OH, YOU GUESSED.
[DOORBELL]
THE SURPRISE IS,
IT'S GOING TO BE BEER.
[LAUGHTER]
HI AGAIN.
MR. ROPER, I
THOUGHT I TOLD YOU—...
OH, I THOUGHT THAT YOU MIGHT
WANT TO MEET MY NIECE ANYWAY.
UH, KAREN?
WANT TO COME IN AND
SAY HELLO TO JACK.
HI.
[LAUGHTER]
WHAT? OH, HI, HI.
AND THIS IS CHRISSY AND JANET.
HI.
HELLO.
JACK?
HI.
CAN I TALK WITH YOU?
OH, SURE.
EXCUSE ME, UH, YOUR
UNCLE WANTS TO TALK TO ME
FOR A MINUTE,
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
[LAUGHTER]
HERE.
WHAT'S THIS?
FIFTY BUCKS.
FOR ME?
I KNOW IT GOES
AGAINST YOUR GRAIN,
BUT YOU'VE GOT TO DO ME
A FAVOR AND TAKE HER OUT.
FIFTY BUCKS?
YEAH, I'LL LEND YOU MY CAR.
I MEAN, ANYTHING TO GET
MRS. ROPER OFF MY BACK.
WILL YOU DO IT?
OH, YES.
UNCLE STANLEY AND AUNT
HELEN HAVE BEEN VERY NICE,
ONLY I THINK MY UNCLE MUST HAVE
HAD AN ACCIDENT OR SOMETHING.
OH?
YEAH.
HE CAN'T SEEM TO
REMEMBER ANYTHING
THAT'S HAPPENED SINCE THE WAR.
[LAUGHTER]
KAREN?
I THINK JACK HERE WANTS
TO ASK YOU SOMETHING.
OH, HE CAN ASK ME ANYTHING.
UH, YEAH, UH, KAREN,
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE ME
TO SHOW YOU THE TOWN TONIGHT?
OH, I'D LOVE IT.
OKAY, LET'S GO. SEE YA.
WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT ABOUT THE PARTY?
JUST TAKE THE DINNER OUT
OF THE STOVE IN 20 MINUTES.
WELL——?
I'LL BE BACK IN TIME
FOR THE PARTY, BYE—BYE.
BYE.
DON'T BE LATE.
AND JACK'S REALLY A NICE PERSON.
NICE FINK.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
CHEERS.
CHEERS.
THAT WASN'T A NICE
THING TO DO TO JACK'S HAT.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I SHOULD'VE WAITED
TILL HIS HEAD WAS IN IT.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND, HE
SAID HE'D BE BACK IN TIME.
SOMETHING MUST'VE
HAPPENED TO HIM.
SOMEONE HAPPENED TO HIM.
SOMEONE WITH BIG
BLUE EYES AND BOO—...
OKAY, OKAY.
[SIGHING]
YOU KNOW, CHRISSY, THERE WAS
SOMETHING ABOUT THAT KAREN
THAT I DIDN'T LIKE.
SHE'S A VERY BEAUTIFUL GIRL.
THAT WAS IT.
[LAUGHTER]
DO YOU THINK JACK NOTICED?
NOTICED?
UH, HE NOTICES ANYTHING FEMALE.
I THINK HIS HEAD IS
BUILT ON A SWIVEL.
[LAUGHTER]
YOU KNOW WHAT THE TROUBLE IS?
HUM?
WE'RE JEALOUS.
UH——JE——JEALOUS?
OF JACK?
[CHUCKLING]
I'M NOT JEALOUS.
I'M MAD—— MAD THAT HE
STOOD US UP ON MY BIRTHDAY.
NOW, WE DON'T OWN HIM JANET.
REMEMBER, HE'S JUST
A THIRD OF THE RENT.
YEAH.
AND A GREAT COOK.
YEAH.
AND A WATCHDOG.
WELL, THEN HE SHOULD BE HERE
WATCHING ME BLOW OUT MY CANDLES.
[LAUGHTER]
CHRISSY, DO YOU DIG HIM?
HE'S OKAY.
NO.
NO, I MEAN, IF HE WASN'T
LIVING HERE, WOULD YOU—...
WOULD I WHAT?
YOU KNOW.
[LAUGHTER]
JACK?
YEAH.
WOULD YOU?
I ASKED YOU FIRST.
[LAUGHTER]
WOULD YOU?
NOPE.
OH.
NOT UNLESS HE ASKED ME TO.
[LAUGHTER]
WELL, YOU KNOW ME JANET.
I JUST HATE TO BE RUDE.
YOU'RE RIGHT ANYWAY,
WE DON'T OWN HIM.
HE'S GOT HIS OWN LIFE TO LEAD
AND LET'S JUST CUT THAT CAKE
AND LET'S HOPE HIS
LEG HEALS VERY QUICKLY.
HIS LEG?
YEAH, THE ONE I'M
GOING TO BREAK.
[LAUGHTER]
[SIGHING]
STANLEY, WILL YOU STOP
THAT PACING AND COME TO BED?
I'M NOT SLEEPY.
THAT'S THE BEST
TIME TO COME TO BED.
[LAUGHTER]
HELEN, I'M WORRIED.
IT'S ALMOST MIDNIGHT AND
MY NIECE ISN'T BACK YET.
WELL, SHE'S PROBABLY
HAVING A GOOD TIME,
THAT'S WHAT YOU
WANTED, ISN'T IT?
IT'S NOT THAT, AND MY
CAR'S BEEN OVERHEATING
AND I JUST DON'T WANT
THEM TO GO TOO FAR.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY,
STANLEY, SHE'S WITH JACK.
REMEMBER?
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE RIGHT.
HOW FAR CAN THEY GO?
[LAUGHTER]
COME TO BED.
WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE.
I JUST HAD A THOUGHT.
WELL, THERE'S A FIRST
TIME FOR EVERYTHING.
HELEN, GUYS LIKE JACK, IS IT
POSSIBLE THEY'VE GOT SOME
NORMALNESS LEFT OVER IN THEM
THAT COULD COME OUT AT ANY TIME?
I DON'T KNOW, STANLEY.
I MEAN, MY NIECE IS A BEAUTIFUL
GIRL, HE COULD CONVERT.
[LAUGHTER]
DON'T WORRY.
I DON'T THINK JACK
WILL EVER CHANGE.
YOU'RE NOT JUST SAYING THAT
TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER, ARE YOU?
NO, STANLEY.
BECAUSE YOU READ ABOUT
IT IN THE PAPERS ALL THE TIME,
ABOUT PEOPLE ARE GETTING
CHANGED FROM MEN TO WOMEN
AND VICE—VERSA.
HOW DO THEY DO IT, HELEN?
THEY HAVE AN OPERATION.
I KNOW THEY HAVE AN OPERATION,
BUT HOW DO THEY DO IT?
I CAN SEE THEM TAKING THINGS OFF
BUT HOW DO THEY PUT THEM ON?
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
SCOTCH TAPE.
[APPLAUSE]
AREN'T YOU COMING IN?
UH, WELL, IT'S KINDA LATE,
I DON'T THINK I SHOULD.
OH, COME ON, JUST FOR A BEER.
UM, OKAY.
ONE FAST BEER.
IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THAT FAST.
[LAUGHTER]
I FEEL A LITTLE UNEASY
ABOUT YOUR UNCLE ROPER.
OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT HIM.
MY AUNT HELEN SAYS HE
SLEEPS THROUGH EVERYTHING.
[LAUGHTER]
HERE'S YOUR BEER.
JACK.
YOU HAVE BEEN
ANNOYING ME ALL EVENING.
ANNOYING YOU HOW?
I THOUGHT I'D BEEN BEHAVING
LIKE A PERFECT GENTLEMAN.
THAT'S HOW.
I MEAN, THERE WE WERE, STUCK
ON THE FREEWAY FOR HOURS
AND THE ONLY THING YOU
FIDDLED WITH WAS THE RADIATOR.
I FIXED IT, DIDN'T I?
[LAUGHTER]
YOU SURE DON'T ACT LIKE
A MAN WHO'S BEEN LIVING
WITH TWO WOMEN.
WELL, EVERY MAN'S
ENTITLED TO A NIGHT OFF.
NOT ON MY TIME.
[OOHING]
[APPLAUSE]
[LAUGHTER]
I THINK YOU DROPPED SOMETHING.
WELL?
OH, I——YOU WANT
ME TO PICK IT UP?
JACK?
WELL, HERE GOES MY NIGHT OFF.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
IT'S GOING TO BE A LOVELY DRESS.
WE'LL HAVE THE SECOND
FITTING TOMORROW NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT.
YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ME
WITH THAT SECOND FITTING.
YOU DON'T EVEN
HAVE A TAPE MEASURE.
[LAUGHTER]
MAYBE THAT'S WHY THEY NEED
A SECOND FITTING, STANLEY.
DON'T TRY TO
PROTECT THEM, HELEN,
I'VE GOT EYES, I
KNOW WHAT I SAW.
DID YOU LEARN ANYTHING?
[LAUGHTER]
WILL YOU STAY
OUT OF THIS, HELEN?
MR. ROPER, I——I CAN EXPLAIN.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO
EXPLAIN ANYTHING.
JUST GET OUT.
DOES THIS MEAN I
CAN'T FINISH MY BEER?
JUST GET OUT.
GET OUT OF HERE, I MEAN
OUT OF THIS BUILDING.
PACK YOUR THINGS AND LEAVE.
SAY GOOD NIGHT TO KAREN FOR ME.
[LAUGHTER]
DON'T YOU THINK YOU
WERE A LITTLE HARSH?
I WASN'T HARSH ENOUGH.
YOU SAW WHAT HE WAS
DOING WITH MY NIECE.
HE WAS ACTING NORMAL.
THAT'S SICK.
[LAUGHTER]
HELLO?
IS SOMEBODY THERE?
YEAH, IT'S ME. JACK.
NO CHRISSY, THERE'S
NOBODY THERE.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET HOSTILE
JUST BECAUSE I'M A
LITTLE LATE, JANET.
GET LOST.
I HAVE SOMETHING I WANT TO SAY—-
HEY, YOU KNOW SOMETHING?
THIS CAKE IS DELICIOUS.
[LAUGHTER]
JANET?
CHRISSY?
OH, I GET IT.
THE SILENT TREATMENT.
OH, BOY, IF THERE'S ONE THING I
HATE, IT'S THE SILENT TREATMENT.
LOOK, I JUST CAME UP TO PACK
MY THINGS AND SAY GOODBYE.
GOODBYE.
BOY, ARE YOU SENSITIVE.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO LEAVE JUST
BECAUSE YOU MISSED THE PARTY.
EVEN THOUGH IT WAS
A LOUSY THING TO DO.
AND CRUMMY.
AND DESPICABLE.
AND ROTTEN.
COULD WE GO BACK TO
THE SILENT TREATMENT?
[LAUGHTER]
YOU DON'T HAVE TO MOVE OUT.
I'LL GET OVER IT.
ROPER WON'T.
ROPER?
YEAH, I HAD A LITTLE
TROUBLE IN HIS CAR.
OH, WHAT HAPPENED?
DID SHE SAY NO?
ROPER'S CAR OVERHEATED
ON THE FREEWAY.
AND ROPER'S NIECE?
ON THE LIVING ROOM SOFA.
[LAUGHTER]
AND THEN ROPER
CAME IN AND CAUGHT US
AND THAT'S WHEN THE
WHOLE PLACE BOILED OVER.
WELL, WHAT HAPPENED?
NOTHING.
BUT HE KICKED ME OUT ANYWAY.
I HAVE TO MOVE.
OH, JACK.
YEAH.
OH, WE DON'T WANT TO LOSE YOU.
[DOORBELL]
OH, THAT ROPER, HE'S
GOT A LOT OF NERVE
THROWING HIS WEIGHT
AROUND LIKE THAT.
HI.
LISTEN YOU.
THIS IS A PARTNERSHIP HERE.
AND IF YOU THROW ONE OF US
OUT, THEN YOU THROW US ALL OUT.
RIGHT?
RIGHT.
RIGHT.
WHAT?
I CAME UP TO
APOLOGIZE FOR MY NIECE.
WHAT?
WELL, SHE ADMITTED SHE
PRACTICALLY ATTACKED
POOR JACK HERE, AND HE
SHOWED NO INTEREST AT ALL.
[LAUGHTER]
AND THE POOR GIRL FEELS
LIKE SHE'S OVER THE HILL.
KAREN, OVER THE HILL?
YEAH, BUT IT'S OKAY NOW, I
TOLD HER ALL ABOUT JACK.
WHAT'D YOU TELL HER?
OH, JUST A LITTLE FAIRY STORY.
ANYHOW, SHE'S SORRY AND SO AM I.
BUT NOW, DOES THAT
MEAN THAT HE CAN STAY?
SURE.
SURE.
JACK HAS HIS RIGHTS, JUST
LIKE ANY OTHER MINORITY.
[LAUGHTER]
[YELLING]
WE'RE SO GLAD YOU CAN STAY.
OH, BOY, I WAS SWEATING
THERE FOR A MINUTE.
SO WERE WE.
YEAH, BUT STILL, THAT WAS REALLY
MEAN OF YOU NOT TO COME TONIGHT.
WHERE WERE YOU ALL NIGHT?
WELL, WE DROVE AROUND A LOT
AND I HAD A SPECIAL ERRAND TO RUN.
OH, CAN IT JACK.
WHAT KIND OF SPECIAL
ERRAND IS GOING TO BE—...
OH, JANET, IT'S YOUR CAMEO.
OH, YOU BOUGHT IT BACK
FROM THE PAWN SHOP.
UM—HUM.
WHERE'D YOU GET
THE MONEY FOR IT?
WELL, I COULDN'T WASTE ROPER'S
MONEY ON KAREN, COULD I?
[LAUGHTER]
JANET, OH, COME ON, YOU KNOW
HOW I HATE THE SILENT TREATMENT.
[APPLAUSE]
BOY HELEN, THE KIDS TODAY
ARE GETTING WILDER AND WILDER,
NOT LIKE WHEN WE WERE YOUNG.
HOW LONG DID WE GO TOGETHER
BEFORE I TRIED ANYTHING?
WELL, LET ME SEE
NOW—…
I THINK WE WERE MARRIED
ABOUT TWO YEARS.
[APPLAUSE]
[MUSIC]
THREE'S COMPANY WAS VIDEOTAPED
IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.
[MUSIC]
♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR
(COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR) ♪
♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU
(WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU) ♪
♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE
HERS AND HERS AND HIS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR
(COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR) ♪
♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW
(TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW) ♪
♪ WE'VE A LOVABLE SPACE
THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ YOU'LL SEE THAT
LIFE IS A BALL AGAIN ♪
♪ LAUGHTER IS CALLING FOR YOU ♪
♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS
(DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS) ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
BE QUIET HELEN, YOU'RE
GOING TO WAKE KAREN.
FILING MY NAILS IS GOING
TO WAKE UP YOUR NIECE?
IT'S NOT THE FILING,
IT'S THE BREAKING.
EVERY TIME YOU BREAK A
NAIL YOU SWEAR LOUD ENOUGH
TO WAKE THE DEAD.
OH, SO THAT'S WHAT
GOT YOU UP. [LAUGHTER]
JUST HOLD IT DOWN, WILL YA?
I MEAN SHE FLEW IN FROM
NEW YORK AND SHE'S TIRED.
YOU'VE HEARD OF
JET LAG, HAVEN'T YOU?
HEARD OF IT?
I MARRIED IT.
SHE'S TRYING TO ADJUST
TO A NEW TIME ZONE.
SHE'S TRYING TO ADJUST
TO LIVING THE LIFE OF A NUN.
[LAUGHTER]
WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
YOU NEVER LET HER
OUT OF YOUR SIGHT.
YOU'RE MORE LIKE HER
JAILER THAN HER UNCLE.
THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
SHE'S HAVING A GOOD TIME.
SHE'S HAVING A BORING TIME.
BORING? HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?
DIDN'T I TAKE HER TO DISNEYLAND?
DIDN'T I TAKE HER TO THE MUSEUM?
DIDN'T I WALK OUT TO THE
END OF THE PIER WITH HER?
DIDN'T I TELL HER EVERY NIGHT
ABOUT MY EXPERIENCES IN THE WAR?
YOU CALL THAT BORING, HUH?
HELEN?
[LAUGHTER]
HELEN?
OH, SORRY STANLEY, I
MUST'VE DRIFTED OFF.
LOOK, I PROMISED MY BROTHER
THAT I'D TAKE GOOD CARE OF HER
AND THAT'S JUST WHAT I'M DOING.
OH, WELL, SHE OUGHT TO
BE OUT HAVING SOME FUN
WITH PEOPLE HER OWN AGE.
SHE OUGHT TO BE OUT DATING.
DATING?
IN THIS CITY?
IT'S CRAWLING WITH FREAKS AND——
AND WEIRDOS AND——AND PERVERTS.
OH, I WASN'T TALKING ABOUT
YOUR FRIENDS STANLEY.
I JUST HOPE YOU DON'T MAKE
A CRACK LIKE THAT IN FRONT
OF KAREN, YOU'LL GIVE HER
THE WRONG IDEA OF HER UNCLE.
OH, I THINK SHE HAS
THE RIGHT IDEA OF YOU.
[LAUGHTER]
I HOPE SO.
OH!
WHAT? WHAT?
WHY DON'T YOU LET HER
MEET THE KIDS UPSTAIRS?
YOU MEAN THE ANDREWS
SISTERS?
ANDREWS SISTERS?
YEAH, PATTY, MAXINE,
AND TINKERBELL.
[LAUGHTER]
OH, OF COURSE,
YOU'RE RIGHT, STANLEY.
OH, I FORGOT.
SHE'D NEVER BE INTERESTED
IN A FELLA LIKE JACK.
YOU MEAN HE WOULD NEVER
BE INTERESTED IN ANY GIRL.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND
PEOPLE LIKE JACK.
WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE.
FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE,
YOU GOT A SMART IDEA.
WE SHOULD PUT THIS DATE
DOWN ON THE CALENDAR.
WHEN SHE GETS UP
AND GETS DRESSED,
I'M GOING TO GO TALK TO
JACK ABOUT TAKING HER OUT.
I MEAN DATING HIM IS AS
SAFE AS SENDING HER OUT
IN AN ARMORED TRUCK.
[LAUGHTER]
HEY, I GOT JANET'S
BIRTHDAY CAKE.
OH, GOOD.
WHERE'S THE BIRTHDAY GIRL?
OH, SHE'S IN THE KITCHEN KEEPING
AN EYE ON YOUR BIRTHDAY DINNER.
AND WHO'S KEEPING AN EYE ON HER?
[LAUGHTER]
OH, YOU SHOULDN'T
SNEAK UP LIKE THAT.
AND YOU SHOULDN'T
TURN AROUND LIKE THAT
WHEN I'M SNEAKING UP LIKE THAT.
I WAS GOING TO GIVE YOU A
BIG SURPRISE BIRTHDAY KISS.
WELL, WHY DID YOU
HAVE TO SNEAK UP?
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?
PHONE FOR AN APPOINTMENT?
NO.
OKAY, YOU CAN KISS ME NOW.
NO, THE MOMENT'S RUINED.
[LAUGHTER]
MAYBE I'LL GO AND SNEAK
UP AND SURPRISE CHRISSY.
IT'S NOT HER
BIRTHDAY TILL JANUARY.
WHY WAIT TILL THE LAST MINUTE?
JACK.
I WANT MY BIRTHDAY KISS.
ALL RIGHT.
SURPRISE.
[LAUGHTER]
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
NO, YOU.
RIGHT.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
[LAUGHTER]
YOU——YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE.
MY PLEASURE.
OH, OH, GEE, WE'RE STUCK, WAIT.
OH, WELL, THERE'S NO SENSE
IN WASTING ALL THIS CLOSENESS.
WELL, LET'S JUST SAVE
THAT FOR NEXT YEAR.
JUST GET MY CHAIN
UNSTUCK I GOT IT.
OH, BE CAREFUL,
IT'S VERY SPECIAL.
WHY?
MY GRANDMOTHER GAVE IT TO ME.
IT USED TO HAVE A BEAUTIFUL
CAMEO HANGING FROM IT.
OH, DID YOU LOSE IT?
NO, I HOCKED IT.
[LAUGHTER]
IT WAS ABOUT THREE MONTHS
AGO, WE NEEDED RENT MONEY.
UH, JACK, COULD I
SEE YOU FOR A MINUTE?
SURE.
SORRY, KID, YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE.
[LAUGHTER]
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY JIMMY?"
WHO IS JIMMY?
I DON'T KNOW.
SOME GUY WHO DIDN'T
PICK UP HIS CAKE.
[LAUGHTER]
THAT——THAT'S WHY I
GOT IT AT HALF—PRICE.
YOU CAN'T GIVE JANET A
JIMMY CAKE, SHE MIGHT NOTICE.
CHRISSY, IT'S EASILY FIXED.
ALL I HAVE TO DO IS
SCRAPE OFF THE "IMMY,"
SO IT READS HAPPY BIRTHDAY
"J," WHICH IS EVEN BETTER,
HAS THAT INFORMAL TOUCH.
[LAUGHTER]
WHERE YOU GOING?
INTO THE KITCHEN
TO FIX THE CAKE.
BUT WHAT ABOUT JANET?
I LIKE HER THE WAY SHE
IS, I'LL JUST FIX THE CAKE.
[LAUGHTER]
WHAT I MEAN IS
WHAT IF SHE SEES IT?
IT'LL SPOIL THE WHOLE SURPRISE.
CHRISSY, SHE KNOWS
IT'S HER BIRTHDAY.
SHE KNOWS I'M COOKING A
SPECIAL DINNER TO CELEBRATE.
SHE EVEN TOLD ME
WHERE TO BUY THE CAKE.
WELL, THAT'S WHAT I MEAN.
ONE MORE HINT AND SHE'S
GOING TO KNOW FOR SURE.
[LAUGHTER]
OKAY, I'LL DO IT LATER.
WHAT DID YOU GET
JANET FOR HER BIRTHDAY?
OH, I GOT HER A TERRIFIC SCARF.
OH, THAT'S NICE.
WELL, IT'S NOT ONLY
PRETTY, IT'S PRACTICAL.
IT GOES WITH ALL MY OUTFITS TOO.
[LAUGHTER]
I WISH I COULD RAISE SOME
MONEY TO GET JANET A PRESENT.
[DOORBELL]
OH, YOU'RE COOKING
DINNER, THAT'S ENOUGH.
HI.
UH, WOULD YOU EXCUSE US, PLEASE?
DO YOU WANT TO BE ALONE?
[LAUGHTER]
NO, I WANT TO TALK TO JACK.
IT'LL JUST BE A MINUTE.
OKAY.
DO YOU WANT TO SIT DOWN?
DO YOU, UH, ENJOY BEING HERE?
YOU MEAN WITH YOU?
[LAUGHTER]
NO, I——I MEAN IN THIS APARTMENT?
YEAH, IT'S FINE.
THAT——THAT'S GOOD.
YOU DON'T MIND IF I'M
A LITTLE NOSY, DO YOU?
WELL, WE'RE GETTING USED TO IT.
I WAS JUST WONDERING.
DID YOU EVER TAKE
OUT A GIRL BEFORE?
BEFORE WHAT?
[LAUGHTER]
I MEAN IT'S NOT AGAINST THE
RULES FOR YOU FELLAS, IS IT?
RULES?
I MEAN BECAUSE, WELL, LIKE,
I GO OUT WITH OTHER GUYS.
YOU DO?
[LAUGHTER]
NO, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
I GO BOWLING OR
GO TO A BALL GAME.
OH, WELL, I COULD DO
THAT WITH A GIRL, I GUESS.
THAT'S TERRIFIC.
BECAUSE I WOULDN'T
WANT YOU TO DO ANYTHING
THAT WOULD GO
AGAINST YOUR RELIGION.
[LAUGHTER]
I'M NOT SURE I'M FOLLOWING YOU.
WELL, SEE, WE HAVE THIS NIECE
VISITING US AND MRS. ROPER
AND I WERE JUST WONDERING
IF—— IF IT WOULD BE ALL RIGHT
IF SHE WENT OUT
WITH YOU TONIGHT?
OH, YOU WANT ME TO
GO OUT WITH YOUR NIECE?
YEAH, BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO
GO ANYWHERE WHERE YOU MIGHT
BUMP INTO SOME OF YOUR FRIENDS.
OH, WELL, THANK YOU.
[LAUGHTER]
WELL, YOU COULD
TAKE HER DANCING.
DANCING?
YEAH, THE WAY THE
KIDS DANCE NOWADAYS,
YOU DON'T EVEN
HAVE TO TOUCH HER.
[LAUGHTER]
MR. ROPER, I'D BE HAPPY
TO TAKE OUT YOUR NIECE.
WONDERFUL.
BUT I CAN'T.
TODAY IS JANET'S BIRTHDAY
AND I DON'T WANT TO MISS THAT.
WE GOT A CAKE.
WE'RE PLANNING
DINNER AND EVERYTHING.
OH, WELL—... SORRY.
COULD YOU PUT OFF THE
BIRTHDAY UNTIL TOMORROW?
I'M SORRY, BUT
THANKS FOR ASKING.
I'M VERY FLATTERED.
YEAH, I KNEW YOU WOULD BE.
[LAUGHTER]
OF COURSE, OF COURSE,
I WOULDN'T WANT YOU
TO DO ANYTHING
AGAINST YOUR RELIGION.
OH, YOU HEARD?
WELL, OF COURSE WE DID.
WE WERE EAVESDROPPING.
[LAUGHTER]
I THINK IT IS VERY NOBLE OF YOU
TO TURN HIM DOWN ON MY ACCOUNT.
WELL, IT WASN'T QUITE
AS NOBLE AS YOU THINK.
WHY NOT?
SUDDENLY I GOT A VISION OF WHAT
ROPER'S NIECE WOULD LOOK LIKE.
OH, YEAH, IMAGINE
ROPER'S FACE ON A GIRL.
[LAUGHTER]
IMAGINE ROPER'S BODY ON A GIRL.
WELL, I STILL THINK IT
WAS REALLY NICE OF YOU
TO STAY FOR MY BIRTHDAY.
HEY, I WOULDN'T MISS YOUR
BIRTHDAY FOR ANYTHING.
WHAT DO YOU THINK I
AM? SOME KIND OF A FINK?
AHEM, JACK, UH, DON'T YOU
HAVE SOMETHING TO DO?
HUM?
LIKE PICK UP THE WINE
FOR THE YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU MEAN THE WINE FOR MY
SURPRISE BIRTHDAY PARTY?
OH, YOU GUESSED.
[DOORBELL]
THE SURPRISE IS,
IT'S GOING TO BE BEER.
[LAUGHTER]
HI AGAIN.
MR. ROPER, I
THOUGHT I TOLD YOU—...
OH, I THOUGHT THAT YOU MIGHT
WANT TO MEET MY NIECE ANYWAY.
UH, KAREN?
WANT TO COME IN AND
SAY HELLO TO JACK.
HI.
[LAUGHTER]
WHAT? OH, HI, HI.
AND THIS IS CHRISSY AND JANET.
HI.
HELLO.
JACK?
HI.
CAN I TALK WITH YOU?
OH, SURE.
EXCUSE ME, UH, YOUR
UNCLE WANTS TO TALK TO ME
FOR A MINUTE,
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
[LAUGHTER]
HERE.
WHAT'S THIS?
FIFTY BUCKS.
FOR ME?
I KNOW IT GOES
AGAINST YOUR GRAIN,
BUT YOU'VE GOT TO DO ME
A FAVOR AND TAKE HER OUT.
FIFTY BUCKS?
YEAH, I'LL LEND YOU MY CAR.
I MEAN, ANYTHING TO GET
MRS. ROPER OFF MY BACK.
WILL YOU DO IT?
OH, YES.
UNCLE STANLEY AND AUNT
HELEN HAVE BEEN VERY NICE,
ONLY I THINK MY UNCLE MUST HAVE
HAD AN ACCIDENT OR SOMETHING.
OH?
YEAH.
HE CAN'T SEEM TO
REMEMBER ANYTHING
THAT'S HAPPENED SINCE THE WAR.
[LAUGHTER]
KAREN?
I THINK JACK HERE WANTS
TO ASK YOU SOMETHING.
OH, HE CAN ASK ME ANYTHING.
UH, YEAH, UH, KAREN,
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE ME
TO SHOW YOU THE TOWN TONIGHT?
OH, I'D LOVE IT.
OKAY, LET'S GO. SEE YA.
WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT ABOUT THE PARTY?
JUST TAKE THE DINNER OUT
OF THE STOVE IN 20 MINUTES.
WELL——?
I'LL BE BACK IN TIME
FOR THE PARTY, BYE—BYE.
BYE.
DON'T BE LATE.
AND JACK'S REALLY A NICE PERSON.
NICE FINK.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
CHEERS.
CHEERS.
THAT WASN'T A NICE
THING TO DO TO JACK'S HAT.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I SHOULD'VE WAITED
TILL HIS HEAD WAS IN IT.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND, HE
SAID HE'D BE BACK IN TIME.
SOMETHING MUST'VE
HAPPENED TO HIM.
SOMEONE HAPPENED TO HIM.
SOMEONE WITH BIG
BLUE EYES AND BOO—...
OKAY, OKAY.
[SIGHING]
YOU KNOW, CHRISSY, THERE WAS
SOMETHING ABOUT THAT KAREN
THAT I DIDN'T LIKE.
SHE'S A VERY BEAUTIFUL GIRL.
THAT WAS IT.
[LAUGHTER]
DO YOU THINK JACK NOTICED?
NOTICED?
UH, HE NOTICES ANYTHING FEMALE.
I THINK HIS HEAD IS
BUILT ON A SWIVEL.
[LAUGHTER]
YOU KNOW WHAT THE TROUBLE IS?
HUM?
WE'RE JEALOUS.
UH——JE——JEALOUS?
OF JACK?
[CHUCKLING]
I'M NOT JEALOUS.
I'M MAD—— MAD THAT HE
STOOD US UP ON MY BIRTHDAY.
NOW, WE DON'T OWN HIM JANET.
REMEMBER, HE'S JUST
A THIRD OF THE RENT.
YEAH.
AND A GREAT COOK.
YEAH.
AND A WATCHDOG.
WELL, THEN HE SHOULD BE HERE
WATCHING ME BLOW OUT MY CANDLES.
[LAUGHTER]
CHRISSY, DO YOU DIG HIM?
HE'S OKAY.
NO.
NO, I MEAN, IF HE WASN'T
LIVING HERE, WOULD YOU—...
WOULD I WHAT?
YOU KNOW.
[LAUGHTER]
JACK?
YEAH.
WOULD YOU?
I ASKED YOU FIRST.
[LAUGHTER]
WOULD YOU?
NOPE.
OH.
NOT UNLESS HE ASKED ME TO.
[LAUGHTER]
WELL, YOU KNOW ME JANET.
I JUST HATE TO BE RUDE.
YOU'RE RIGHT ANYWAY,
WE DON'T OWN HIM.
HE'S GOT HIS OWN LIFE TO LEAD
AND LET'S JUST CUT THAT CAKE
AND LET'S HOPE HIS
LEG HEALS VERY QUICKLY.
HIS LEG?
YEAH, THE ONE I'M
GOING TO BREAK.
[LAUGHTER]
[SIGHING]
STANLEY, WILL YOU STOP
THAT PACING AND COME TO BED?
I'M NOT SLEEPY.
THAT'S THE BEST
TIME TO COME TO BED.
[LAUGHTER]
HELEN, I'M WORRIED.
IT'S ALMOST MIDNIGHT AND
MY NIECE ISN'T BACK YET.
WELL, SHE'S PROBABLY
HAVING A GOOD TIME,
THAT'S WHAT YOU
WANTED, ISN'T IT?
IT'S NOT THAT, AND MY
CAR'S BEEN OVERHEATING
AND I JUST DON'T WANT
THEM TO GO TOO FAR.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY,
STANLEY, SHE'S WITH JACK.
REMEMBER?
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE RIGHT.
HOW FAR CAN THEY GO?
[LAUGHTER]
COME TO BED.
WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE.
I JUST HAD A THOUGHT.
WELL, THERE'S A FIRST
TIME FOR EVERYTHING.
HELEN, GUYS LIKE JACK, IS IT
POSSIBLE THEY'VE GOT SOME
NORMALNESS LEFT OVER IN THEM
THAT COULD COME OUT AT ANY TIME?
I DON'T KNOW, STANLEY.
I MEAN, MY NIECE IS A BEAUTIFUL
GIRL, HE COULD CONVERT.
[LAUGHTER]
DON'T WORRY.
I DON'T THINK JACK
WILL EVER CHANGE.
YOU'RE NOT JUST SAYING THAT
TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER, ARE YOU?
NO, STANLEY.
BECAUSE YOU READ ABOUT
IT IN THE PAPERS ALL THE TIME,
ABOUT PEOPLE ARE GETTING
CHANGED FROM MEN TO WOMEN
AND VICE—VERSA.
HOW DO THEY DO IT, HELEN?
THEY HAVE AN OPERATION.
I KNOW THEY HAVE AN OPERATION,
BUT HOW DO THEY DO IT?
I CAN SEE THEM TAKING THINGS OFF
BUT HOW DO THEY PUT THEM ON?
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
SCOTCH TAPE.
[APPLAUSE]
AREN'T YOU COMING IN?
UH, WELL, IT'S KINDA LATE,
I DON'T THINK I SHOULD.
OH, COME ON, JUST FOR A BEER.
UM, OKAY.
ONE FAST BEER.
IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THAT FAST.
[LAUGHTER]
I FEEL A LITTLE UNEASY
ABOUT YOUR UNCLE ROPER.
OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT HIM.
MY AUNT HELEN SAYS HE
SLEEPS THROUGH EVERYTHING.
[LAUGHTER]
HERE'S YOUR BEER.
JACK.
YOU HAVE BEEN
ANNOYING ME ALL EVENING.
ANNOYING YOU HOW?
I THOUGHT I'D BEEN BEHAVING
LIKE A PERFECT GENTLEMAN.
THAT'S HOW.
I MEAN, THERE WE WERE, STUCK
ON THE FREEWAY FOR HOURS
AND THE ONLY THING YOU
FIDDLED WITH WAS THE RADIATOR.
I FIXED IT, DIDN'T I?
[LAUGHTER]
YOU SURE DON'T ACT LIKE
A MAN WHO'S BEEN LIVING
WITH TWO WOMEN.
WELL, EVERY MAN'S
ENTITLED TO A NIGHT OFF.
NOT ON MY TIME.
[OOHING]
[APPLAUSE]
[LAUGHTER]
I THINK YOU DROPPED SOMETHING.
WELL?
OH, I——YOU WANT
ME TO PICK IT UP?
JACK?
WELL, HERE GOES MY NIGHT OFF.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
IT'S GOING TO BE A LOVELY DRESS.
WE'LL HAVE THE SECOND
FITTING TOMORROW NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT.
YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ME
WITH THAT SECOND FITTING.
YOU DON'T EVEN
HAVE A TAPE MEASURE.
[LAUGHTER]
MAYBE THAT'S WHY THEY NEED
A SECOND FITTING, STANLEY.
DON'T TRY TO
PROTECT THEM, HELEN,
I'VE GOT EYES, I
KNOW WHAT I SAW.
DID YOU LEARN ANYTHING?
[LAUGHTER]
WILL YOU STAY
OUT OF THIS, HELEN?
MR. ROPER, I——I CAN EXPLAIN.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO
EXPLAIN ANYTHING.
JUST GET OUT.
DOES THIS MEAN I
CAN'T FINISH MY BEER?
JUST GET OUT.
GET OUT OF HERE, I MEAN
OUT OF THIS BUILDING.
PACK YOUR THINGS AND LEAVE.
SAY GOOD NIGHT TO KAREN FOR ME.
[LAUGHTER]
DON'T YOU THINK YOU
WERE A LITTLE HARSH?
I WASN'T HARSH ENOUGH.
YOU SAW WHAT HE WAS
DOING WITH MY NIECE.
HE WAS ACTING NORMAL.
THAT'S SICK.
[LAUGHTER]
HELLO?
IS SOMEBODY THERE?
YEAH, IT'S ME. JACK.
NO CHRISSY, THERE'S
NOBODY THERE.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET HOSTILE
JUST BECAUSE I'M A
LITTLE LATE, JANET.
GET LOST.
I HAVE SOMETHING I WANT TO SAY—-
HEY, YOU KNOW SOMETHING?
THIS CAKE IS DELICIOUS.
[LAUGHTER]
JANET?
CHRISSY?
OH, I GET IT.
THE SILENT TREATMENT.
OH, BOY, IF THERE'S ONE THING I
HATE, IT'S THE SILENT TREATMENT.
LOOK, I JUST CAME UP TO PACK
MY THINGS AND SAY GOODBYE.
GOODBYE.
BOY, ARE YOU SENSITIVE.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO LEAVE JUST
BECAUSE YOU MISSED THE PARTY.
EVEN THOUGH IT WAS
A LOUSY THING TO DO.
AND CRUMMY.
AND DESPICABLE.
AND ROTTEN.
COULD WE GO BACK TO
THE SILENT TREATMENT?
[LAUGHTER]
YOU DON'T HAVE TO MOVE OUT.
I'LL GET OVER IT.
ROPER WON'T.
ROPER?
YEAH, I HAD A LITTLE
TROUBLE IN HIS CAR.
OH, WHAT HAPPENED?
DID SHE SAY NO?
ROPER'S CAR OVERHEATED
ON THE FREEWAY.
AND ROPER'S NIECE?
ON THE LIVING ROOM SOFA.
[LAUGHTER]
AND THEN ROPER
CAME IN AND CAUGHT US
AND THAT'S WHEN THE
WHOLE PLACE BOILED OVER.
WELL, WHAT HAPPENED?
NOTHING.
BUT HE KICKED ME OUT ANYWAY.
I HAVE TO MOVE.
OH, JACK.
YEAH.
OH, WE DON'T WANT TO LOSE YOU.
[DOORBELL]
OH, THAT ROPER, HE'S
GOT A LOT OF NERVE
THROWING HIS WEIGHT
AROUND LIKE THAT.
HI.
LISTEN YOU.
THIS IS A PARTNERSHIP HERE.
AND IF YOU THROW ONE OF US
OUT, THEN YOU THROW US ALL OUT.
RIGHT?
RIGHT.
RIGHT.
WHAT?
I CAME UP TO
APOLOGIZE FOR MY NIECE.
WHAT?
WELL, SHE ADMITTED SHE
PRACTICALLY ATTACKED
POOR JACK HERE, AND HE
SHOWED NO INTEREST AT ALL.
[LAUGHTER]
AND THE POOR GIRL FEELS
LIKE SHE'S OVER THE HILL.
KAREN, OVER THE HILL?
YEAH, BUT IT'S OKAY NOW, I
TOLD HER ALL ABOUT JACK.
WHAT'D YOU TELL HER?
OH, JUST A LITTLE FAIRY STORY.
ANYHOW, SHE'S SORRY AND SO AM I.
BUT NOW, DOES THAT
MEAN THAT HE CAN STAY?
SURE.
SURE.
JACK HAS HIS RIGHTS, JUST
LIKE ANY OTHER MINORITY.
[LAUGHTER]
[YELLING]
WE'RE SO GLAD YOU CAN STAY.
OH, BOY, I WAS SWEATING
THERE FOR A MINUTE.
SO WERE WE.
YEAH, BUT STILL, THAT WAS REALLY
MEAN OF YOU NOT TO COME TONIGHT.
WHERE WERE YOU ALL NIGHT?
WELL, WE DROVE AROUND A LOT
AND I HAD A SPECIAL ERRAND TO RUN.
OH, CAN IT JACK.
WHAT KIND OF SPECIAL
ERRAND IS GOING TO BE—...
OH, JANET, IT'S YOUR CAMEO.
OH, YOU BOUGHT IT BACK
FROM THE PAWN SHOP.
UM—HUM.
WHERE'D YOU GET
THE MONEY FOR IT?
WELL, I COULDN'T WASTE ROPER'S
MONEY ON KAREN, COULD I?
[LAUGHTER]
JANET, OH, COME ON, YOU KNOW
HOW I HATE THE SILENT TREATMENT.
[APPLAUSE]
BOY HELEN, THE KIDS TODAY
ARE GETTING WILDER AND WILDER,
NOT LIKE WHEN WE WERE YOUNG.
HOW LONG DID WE GO TOGETHER
BEFORE I TRIED ANYTHING?
WELL, LET ME SEE
NOW—…
I THINK WE WERE MARRIED
ABOUT TWO YEARS.
[APPLAUSE]
[MUSIC]
THREE'S COMPANY WAS VIDEOTAPED
IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.
[MUSIC]