Three (2014–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Mr Hot Bottom - full transcript

Dylan and Patrick decide to spice their sex up by having a threesome - But, will they survive meeting Mr Hot Bottom - or is Dylan right to be worried that they might be inviting a serial killer into their home?

Why doesn't anyone take the time

to write out full sentences?

Are they that desperate for sex

they can't write
out the whole word?

You need a code sheet to
even read these things.

Click that one.

Which one?

Hot and horny 85.

- Ew, ew.
- No.

Why the hell would
you post a picture

of your face if
you look like that?



Is that a mug shot?

Just go to the next one.

God,
this is giving me the creeps.

There's nothing wrong with it.

Quit being such a prude.

I'm sure there's lots
of normal men out there

just looking for a
little anonymous sex

that aren't out to
murder or rob you blind.

Great, I wasn't even thinking

about being murdered or robbed.

Yes, you were.

Pick that one.

No.

What's wrong with him?



Well, he looks tiny,
doughy, as if he might

have a leprechaun
or two in his lineage.

You honestly think
he's attractive?

He has an interesting look.

You know you're so horny I think

you're at a point where
you'd fuck anything.

Including a leprechaun.

Fine,
but you can't sabotage this

by saying no to everyone.

Well, unless this rogue's
gallery gets better looking,

I'm afraid you're in for
a little disappointment.

No.

What?

Look at his feet.

Okay.

Smoke, smoke, smoke.

Smokin' hot bottom.

That sounds dirty like
I might need penicillin.

Why are you so
good at this lingo?

Because I can read.

Yeah, but it's all
run-on and abbreviated.

It's like trying to figure out
a personalized license plate.

And you know how
bad I am at that.

What do you think of him?

Mister Hot Bottom?

He's not bad.

He's chatting us.

He is?

Alright, what do we do?

Run too.

What?

Run too?

What the hell does that mean?

It's not run too,
it's what are you into.

That makes sense.

So what are we into?

Type this.

Fun, safe play, oral, anal.

No, anal?

Yes.

I don't think
we should specify anal.

I mean if it happens,
it happens,

but I'm not giving up the anal

unless I'm sure he's worth it.

His name is Smokin' Hot Bottom,

I'm pretty sure that's
what he's looking for.

Come on, you're taking
too long to respond.

Tell him we want
to exchange pics.

But we haven't
finished what we're into.

Type what I told you
and include the anal.

Just let me do it.

No, no, no, no.

I'll do it.

If I let you do it, we'll end
up with some dungeon master

that'll beat us black and blue.

I don't think he's
taking the bait.

It's because you took
too long to respond.

Too long?

What,
does he have an hour to live?

That was like a minute.

These guys don't
like to wait around.

It's first come, first serve.

You sure know an
awful lot about this.

Anal.

That's what I like to hear.

See?

Tell him you want
to exchange pics.

Pics, stop saying pics.

I'm gonna spell it out

and I'm gonna write it
in complete sentences.

Dear kind sir, comma.

We would very much
appreciate a photograph

of something other
than your posterior.

Don't write that, he's
gonna think you're an idiot.

Well,
this process doesn't have to be

completely animalistic.

Yes, thank god you're
here to class it up.

My thoughts exactly.

Wait, what picture
are we going to use?

Let's use the
one of us in Miami.

That's two years old.

So?

We don't look that different.

Yeah, but my eyes were closed.

It doesn't matter, he'll
assume you have eyes.

It shows our bodies and
that's what he's looking for.

Just send the pic.

Alright, calm down.

Stop saying pic.

I'm starting to feel a
little sick to my stomach.

Maybe we shouldn't have
invited him over to the house.

What if he's a homicidal maniac

and this is his way
to find his victims?

We should find a weapon
and hide it under the bed.

You're never going
to enjoy yourself

if you keep thinking
he's going to kill you.

What are you doing?

I'm texting Elliot and letting
him know what we're up to

and giving him this
guy's information.

That way if we end up dead,

at least the police
will know who did it.

I'm not gonna end
up some cold case.

You make sure to
scratch him at some point

and get his DNA
under your fingernails.

That'll place him at
the scene of the crime.

You're insane.

More people
should think like me.

That would be horrible.

And we need to change the
sheets right after he leaves,

in case he has crabs.

Why would he have crabs?

Obviously he sleeps around.

He could have been with
someone just the other night

who was infested with them.

Now he's going to spread
their eggs all over our bed.

Then I'll get you some
medication and a nit comb.

Will you calm down?

What the hell's gotten into you?

It's been a while since
I've had to deal with this.

I'm a little nervous.

I mean,
who knows what kind of microbes

are being passed
around these days.

Then why don't
we get you a hazmat suit

and some disinfectant spray

and you can sit in
a corner and watch.

Look, I appreciate you going
out of your comfort zone here

but if we're going to do
this, please don't act crazy.

God.

Wait a minute, is that
all you're going to wear?

The guy's coming over
to have sex with us.

What should I wear,
a suit and tie?

Come on.

No, you go answer the door.

I need another minute.

This isn't gonna be pretty.

You okay?

Yeah, I just need a break.

I'm okay.

You sure?

Yeah.