Three (2014–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - The Worst Party in the History of the World - full transcript

I'm mad at you.

You up?

I'm coming over.

So.

What happened?

Patrick.

What did he do?

I don't wanna talk about it.

Then why did you come over?

Because I couldn't sleep.

Because I didn't wanna
sit across the street



obsessing about it.

How's your sister?

Fine.

She fell down
a flight of stairs.

My God.

I left you a message.

Well I haven't checked
them, is she okay?

She hit her head on the way down

and they wanted to run some
tests and keep her overnight

just for observations
as a precaution.

She does this all the time,

she has a problem
with her inner ear.

She really should wear a
helmet wherever she goes.

That's weird.



Yeah, she has some condition
that affects her balance.

She can be standing
in place one minute

and the next thing you
know she's sprawled out

flat on the ground.

Then why is
she going down stairs?

She's not supposed to,

but it seems that the
elevator in her building

was out of order and
she just had to have her

some chicken nuggets
and a milkshake.

She's also very fat, which
doesn't help her balance,

although, I think the
extra padding does help her

not break any bones.

Can they do anything about it?

They've tried different things.

They say it's not
life-threatening.

Unless she cracks her skull.

I'm sorry I missed
the party tonight.

I was hoping I might
make it back in time

but it looks like the
evening ended early.

Next time you see your sister,

you need to get down on
your knees and thank her

'cause her little
tumble down the stairs

spared you a horrible evening.

What happened?

Can I tell you tomorrow?

Right now I just wanna sit
here and talk about stupid shit

like we normally do.

Okay.

I had a dream that B Arthur
caught me masturbating.

Dorthy B Arthur
or Maud B Arthur?

Dorthy.

She seemed cool with it, though.

Yeah, I could see that.

I really need to
stop watching television.

I'm scared to think what
I might dream of next.

Cutting lingus with Betty White.

Estelle Getty, picture it.

That's gross.

May she rest in peace.

Jesus Christ, you
scared the hell out of me.

It's alright, it's just me.

How do you enter a room
without making any noise?

My great grandmother
was a black foot Indian.

I must inherited her light step.

I'm gonna have
to get you a bell.

How ya feel?

How do I look?

Not good.

There's your answer.

Well, maybe if you hadn't
drank your weight in gin,

you wouldn't feel this way.

It was my 40th birthday,

it called for a
little celebrating.

Celebrating what?

The fact you're middle aged?

What are you talking
about middle aged?

40 is the beginning
of middle age.

How long do you think
you're gonna live?

Stop, I beg you.

I'm in no mood for one of your
little talks on mortality.

Alright.

I just think it's important
for you to come to terms

with the fact you're
gonna die some day.

I'll come to terms
with it tomorrow.

You could be dead tomorrow.

You want somethin' to eat?

God, no.

Looks like we had a
good time last night.

You're half right.

From your tone
I take it I'm the one

who had the good time?

You don't remember?

Bits and pieces, but
I don't recall anything

that would've
ruined your evening.

I dunno if you're
aware of this or not,

but you're very obnoxious
when you're drunk.

Actually, I am aware of that.

And I was more than
willing to let it go.

After all, it was your birthday,

but I decided when
I woke up this morning

that it wouldn't be healthy
and it would just flare up

some other time when you left
the clothes in the washer

all day instead of
putting them in the dryer

and that wouldn't
be fair so I should just

get this off my chest.

What the hell did I do?

Decapitate some kittens?

You actually don't remember?

No.

Do you remember Ryan?

Ryan was the guy
that came with Helen

and kept saying
that he wasn't gay

but didn't mind
hanging out with us.

No, that was Troy.

Ryan is the one
who came with Neil.

And is whose mouth you couldn't
keep your tongue out of.

Yeah.

It's like you were in heat.

You kept telling me
how gorgeous he was

and asking me if
we could keep him.

You said we can
build a little nest

out of all of our old
t-shirts and some twigs

in the backyard and keep
him in the spare room

and feed him hot dogs
and chocolate milk.

I actually said hot
dogs and chocolate milk?

Yeah.

That was my favorite
meal growing up.

And now you wanna feed
it to the sex slaves

we keep in the spare room.

So what happened?

You creeped him out so he left.

You started to run after
him but we stopped you.

I think you cried a
little bit when he left.

I highly doubt that I cried.

No, I definitely saw tears.

And that's when you got mean
and started telling everyone

at the party what you
actually thought of them.

My God, are you fucking with me?

No, you even told Ilene
she should stop whining

about her dead father.

Alright, that was horrible,
I admit, but I actually

did everyone a favor there,
that needed to be said.

It was the worst party in
the history of the world.

And people couldn't wait to
get the hell out of here.

So do we have any friends left?

I do.

What's going on with you?

I'm hungover.

That's not what I mean.

Are you going to tell me?

Do you know how
embarrassing it was

to have everybody at the
party watch you slobber

all over that guy?

Come on, it was just a
little harmless flirting.

No, you would've fucked
him in the middle of

the living room floor
with everybody watching

if he'd have been into it.

Can we talk about this tomorrow?

Your voice is making
me want to puke.

And I don't mean
that in an asshole way,

it's just a fact.

I don't feel well.

Do you wanna have
sex with other people?

Yes.

And considering this is something
we've talked about before,

I don't see how it's
such a big surprise.

It's something
you've talked about.

You have to admit, we
need some help in this area.

I love you, Dylan,
but our sex life sucks

and I'm sorry if I
embarrassed you last night,

I'm just...

I don't know.

You've come this far,
you might as well say it.

What do you think
I'm going to say?

I don't want out
of our relationship,

I want to improve it.

And we can't do that on our own?

We have to invite someone
in from the outside?

We've tried.

Nothing changes.

So why don't we try
something different?

What exactly are you proposing?

I was thinking of

maybe having a three way.

Am I to be one of the three?

Of course.

Come on, everyone's doing it.

You don't wanna be a square,
do you?

Won't that make us a triangle?

And the jokes overturn,
they must've drawn blood.

God, you stink.

Thanks.

Now I'm gonna go
try and puke while

you think about all this.

So this is who we are now?

Yeah, my thoughts exactly.

Click that one.

Which one?

Hotandhorny85.

Maybe we shouldn't have
invited him over to the house.

What if he's a homicidal
maniac and this is his way

to find his victims?

We need to change the
sheets right after he leaves

in case he has crabs.

Wait a minute, is that
all you're gonna wear?

The guy's coming over
to have sex with us,

what should I wear?

A suit and tie?

Come on.

No.

You go answer the door.

I need another minute.

This isn't gonna be pretty.