Those Who Can't (2016–…): Season 2, Episode 13 - Graduation - full transcript

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ENJOY!!!! Do not miss this tomorrow!
"Graduating seniors...

"my time was...

- "a horse without any legs."
- d Do-do-do d

Hey. You wanted to see me, boss?

Yes. Yes, I did, Coach Fairbell.

Please, uh, have a seat.

We have to have a pretty
serious discussion here.

You can sit in the... the chair.

- The chair?
- Yeah, that's right.

Pretty good, right?

What I have to tell you
is actually pretty grim.



- "Grimm"?
- Yeah.

- That's my favorite show.
- Okay, no, no, no, no.

What I'm saying... Let
me ask you this...

if you had all the
time in the world,

what would you even do with it?

Easy... just spend more time

with my girls' JV
volleyball team.

Extra practice means... boop...
extra perfect.

Let... let's say that it
was, uh, not here at Smoot.

Let's say it was time
away from school.

Then what would you do?

I'd just wait across the
street for school to open,

like I do every day.

My God.



Okay, well, I'm not gonna
sugarcoat this, all right?

I had to do next year's budget,
and we got to make some cuts.

That's why you're
in charge, Big Dog.

What's got to go? English? Math?

Nobody's gonna miss those.

- Cafeteria? I mean, I'll miss it but...
- Coach Fairbell, it's you.

I'm hinting at the fact

that it is you that I
have to cut, okay?

You. All right?

Before you say something
heartbreakingly simple,

let me just clarify...

you are being laid off
at the end of this week.

Aaaaah!

Tammy, code red!

I need some tissues.
I need some tissues.

No! No!

D Quit wasting my time d

d I ain't here for you d

d I'm just putting in work d

d Till my day is through d

Just a couple big
sales days, Billy,

and then you're in the black.

And then Tampa has
to love you again,

because money fixes everything.

Sell to go home.

Oho!

Good morning, everyone.

- How are we?
- Hey, Shoemaker.

How was your lengthy
commute this morning?

Well, I'm not quite sure
what you're referring to.

- Sure, you're not.
- I was just telling everyone

that real-estate mogul and
newly elected mayor Gil Nash

is gonna be Smoot's
graduation speaker.

Here? He's speaking here?

I'm so proud.

- Now, now, now...
- I can't believe that

you're letting that
right-wing lunatic speak.

Hey, that's a Libertarian
lunatic, please.

He has done a ton of damage
to women's health issues.

His stupid period taxes
cost me $148 this month.

Abbey, I keep telling you...
if you want a maternity leave,

you have to pay for it somehow.

Fine. I'm not taking
this lying down.

Quinn, I am going to stage
the biggest protest

- that you have ever seen.
- Enough!

Do you need to go back
down to your library?

- Fine.
- Fine.

I think it's terrific that
you're gonna be speaking

at our graduation ceremony.

And, as this year's
Joslyn's graduation rep,

I would love nothing more
than to see you do it

in a professor's tunic.

- Now, please, I...
- No, no, no, no, no.

No, thank you. No, thank you.

We don't have any extra cash
for any cheap swag, so...

Wouldn't be a good
salesman if I didn't try.

I'll see you at the
same time tomorrow.

You know, Leslie Bronn, I woke
up this morning thinking,

"There's a woman

"who likes to sleep in a
oversized T-shirt and..."

I sleep in the nude. Beat it.

What are you doing here?

Are you, uh, buying
a condominium?

'Cause if you are,

Joslyn's has a line of
drapes made from re...

- Whoa!
- I said, "Beat it."

Hawk!

- Oh, my God. Oh, hawk!
- Hawk!

Hawk! There's a...

- Oh, sorry! I'm sorry!
- Oh, God, I am so sorry.

- I was just looking at that...
- I was just looking at this...

- beautiful red-tailed hawk.
- Beautiful red-tailed hawk.

- Did I hit your head? Are you...
- Oh, no, I'm sure... it's fine.

- Let me get this for you.
- Yeah.

"Back Streets of Madrid"?
Are you serious?

This was my Bible when
I lived in Spain.

- No, no. You lived there. Yes!
- Are you serious?

There's the best
little route in this.

- It's from the Prado...
- Yes.

- Right to the Hard Rock Cafe.
- Hard Rock Cafe.

I know that alley very well.

- Are you serious?
- Well...

- You've been there?
- Yes. I love the sangría.

I was there every night.

I was hooked on their
"She's my Cherry Paella."

Oh, I love it... so good!

I'm sorry. I'm Loren.

- I, uh, I teach Spanish here. Hi.
- Oh, hey. Wow.

Yeah, sorry. I-I'm
glad I found you.

I heard there was, like, actually
a pop-up brewery on the campus.

Apparently, they have,
like, some awesome beers.

- Yeah, they... they did.
- Oh.

Or... should I say... I did,

Until the man on my dreams.

- Oh, man.
- I swear to God.

I hate it when men on me.

- Ugh, yeah.
- 100%.

Well, I mean, this being Denver,

there's, like, a couple
breweries around, you know?

So, we can maybe grab a pint or...
five?

- Absolutely.
- Yeah?

- I'm buying.
- Let's, yeah.

Have you heard of Eminem?

- He's underground.
- You're kidding.

But he's gonna blow
up, I swear to God.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Sign a petition to stop Gil
Nash from coming to graduation?

Chugga-chugga! Chugga-chugga!

You look like the kind of lady

that likes to sleep in
an oversized T-shirt,

and, lucky for you,

Joslyn's happens to
have a dynamite one.

- Let me go ahead and show you.
- Shoemaker, I'm kind of busy.

I'm getting signatures to stop
Gil Nash from coming to Smoot.

If you're busy,

what better way to
organize those filled days

with the Joslyn's "Class of
2017 Hunks of Smoot" calendar?

I'm not interested in buying
anything from someone

who is currently sleeping
in the janitor's closet.

Well, that is not...

I am not residing in the school.

That's cra... Y-y-you're
way out of line.

- Yeah, everybody knows, Shoemaker.
- But...

Hi, guys.

This is my favorite
history teacher.

- Okay.
- My favorite librarian.

- Oh, how are we...
- Okay.

This beautiful
morning, huh, guys?

- God.
- Are you drunk?

- You broke your slump.
- I did.

Ha! Yeah.

- How do you know that?
- Oh, a guy can always tell.

Plus, he's still full bat.

- Oh, God!
- Excuse me. Oh, God.

I'm sorry. I'm just... I'm
so excited, you know?

Jade is incredible. I-I
honestly think she's the one.

But I'm serious. She's smart...

- What?
- Oh, you're serious.

Independent. She's really funny.

Plus, she taught
me it's not cool

to refer to women as.

- Mm.
- Yeah.

- I think I might be woke.
- Speaking of woke,

it looks like Fairbell
just rolled out of bed.

I guess he's not taking
getting fired very well.

Looking good in that
sleeping shirt, Coach.

I'm glad I could put you in it.

Oh, you mean
"Soon-to-be-Former Coach."

I know you're down now, man.

I was down once, but
look at me now.

I'm on top of the world,

and it's all because
of my new...

Ugh! Nope.

Girlfriend.

Oh, there she is now.

She wants to hang
out after school.

Guys, this is getting serious...
fast.

Well, if it's getting
serious, Loren,

- perhaps you should show....
- Hey, Fairbell.

You should fight this.

How?

Stage a sit-in, hunger strike...

you know, you're a smart guy...

you're Fairbell.
You'll figure it out.

Huh.

- Hi...
- I am Fairbell.

This is the best date I've
ever had in my entire life.

I cannot believe I
finally met a girl

who's down to watch all seven "Fast
and Furious" films, consecutively.

I mean, are you kidding? I thought
it was so sweet that you cried

when Paul Walker took that left,
and you were just bawling.

I mean, you're just so in
touch with your emotions.

I mean, that's 'cause of you.

I'm not afraid to be
myself around you.

And, I was wondering if
you'd be my girlf...

my woman friend.

Will you accept this Joslyn's
premium brand key chain

as a token of my love?

Well, I do live my life one
quarter mile at a time.

From "Fast and Furious."

No, no.

Girls, I'd love to work

some of our favorite
drills together,

but I'm afraid my hunger
strike has left me too weak.

It's gonna be worth it, though,

when the administration sees
how they were wrong to...

Coach, how long has it
been since you last eaten?

I don't even know anymore.
It's all a haze.

Two or maybe even three...

hours?

- Quinn, you wanted to see me?
- Yes.

Come in and, uh, shut
the door, please.

Look, if this is about
the Gil Nash protest,

I think you need to stop
right there because...

Look, you're not
Loren's best friend.

So, I'm just gonna
come out and say it...

you probably haven't
even noticed that

he has a bit more
pep in his step.

Yeah. Everyone has noticed.

They were each other in
the faculty parking lot.

Don't you mean that he was her?

- No.
- Wow.

That explains the
extra $75 charge.

What are you talking about?

I... ordered Loren...

a lady of the night.

Uh, Jade is a prostitute?

- Yes. She's a prostitute.
- Oh, my God.

It's not funny, okay?

I did it to help Loren
break his streak.

It's funny.

It's not funny, 'cause
now they're dating,

and she has my
credit-card number.

Abbey, $300 for a
lookout mountain BJer.

Well, why don't you
just stop paying her?

I can't, because then Loren's
gonna find out the truth, okay?

And that is where you come in.

I will allow you to
protest Gil Nash's speech

if you can help me break up
Jade and Loren, organically.

I do think it's hilarious

that Loren is dating
a prostitute,

but this is my opportunity to
save a woman from sex work.

But Loren is such a
in this scenario.

- But...
- Abbey!

Okay, Quinn. I'll do it.
You got a deal.

Great.

Time for this fox
to go on the hunt.

What is a Detroit
tonsillectomy?!

My God, Loren.

Hey. What's up, Loren?

Oh, hey, Abbey. What's up?

- Uh, nothin'.
- Okay.

Whatcha doin'?

Oh, I'm just grading papers,
thinking about Jade.

She has really opened
you up, sexually.

- Oh, yeah, she has.
- Yeah.

Other day, she had three fingers
inside of me before I...

Oh, I know. We all saw
it in the parking lot.

- Um.
- Oh. Right.

Ever since you, uh,
broke your streak,

you seem, um, different.

I really like it.

Yeah, it's 'cause I'm woke now.

Whatever.

Abbey.

Whatever... whatever
it is, it's, uh...

I think it's hot.

Abbey, this mole has definitely
grown over the semester...

- Okay.
- And there's a big old hair in it.

Oops.

Yeah, you can keep the pen.

I got, like, so
many more of those.

Why don't you break
up with Jade,

and you and I can, like,
have some fun together?

First of all, I'm
flattered, you know?

But, second of all,
you are so gross.

You know what? Forget it.

I'm... I'm... There's more
than one way to skin a cat.

No, no, no, there's not.
There's just the one way.

Yeah, the guy lies
flat on his back,

- and then she's in heels and squats.
- Oh, geez.

Well, my hunger strike
may have been ignored,

but now I'll use my
body's pure muscle

as an immovable object

to keep you from getting
access to my office.

So, if you want in
there to clean it,

you're gonna have
to run me over.

All right.

Ohh!

Don't mess up the bottom
of my cart, Fairbell.

- Ohh!
- Oh, you're like a little speed bump.

Yeah, a speed bump of justice.

Look at this graduation tassel.

Now, that is 100% human
hair right there.

Are there a few bald women

running around
Malaysia right now?

I'm sure, but they don't
call it "Kuala Lum-rich."

Okay, well, grab an order
form on your way out.

Take... take one, you...

Hey, Shoemaker.

Loren, what are you doing?!

I'm sorry. I'm distracted,

I... Hey, when did you know

that Tampa was, like, the one?

Probably during the
third trimester

when her dad pulled a gun on me.

Yeah. I'm just thinking about

taking it to the next level
with Jade, you know?

- Awesome.
- But I need a good ring.

You need a ring?

Well, y-you do know that

Joslyn's is the number-one
provider of rings

in the United States
and territory of Guam?

Yeah, but those are class rings.

The classiest.

See, your problem is,

right now, y-y-you're
thinking of it as a wedding.

Don't. Think of it as a
graduation into marriage.

Mmm. That does check out.

Yeah, it does. Get up.

- Okay.
- Real quick,

I'll show you some items
that I'm excited about.

- Hello.
- Hi.

You must be Loren's girlfriend.

Oh, yeah, I'm Jade.
And you are...

Abbey, but it doesn't matter.

- I...
- I love your shirt.

Ugh, Gil Nash. What a prick.

- Yeah, he is, right?
- Yeah.

I heard he's speaking at
your graduation. Gross.

I mean, someone should
take him down a peg.

I am taking him down a peg.

Why can't the government keep
its hands out of my vag, right?

I know, or at least, pay what it
costs to get in there, right?

Oh, listen, though,

that's not what I, uh,
came to talk to you about.

Okay.

I heard what's happening with you
and Loren, and it's messed up.

You need to break up with him.

Why would I do that?

Because it's the
right thing to do.

You know what? He's having
a good time, and so am I.

Yeah, but, I mean, you're a...

prostitute.

Okay. There it is... typical.

Faux feminist, yeah.

- Wait, a faux fem... No!
- Okay.

I mean, telling me what
to do with my body?

That's something Gil
Nash would do, right?

Not a cool chick like you?

Did you... did you
just say I was cool?

Yeah, but, you know,
what do I know?

I'm just a dirty old prostitute.

No, you're the coolest! No!

Really? Thank you.
I appreciate that.

You know what?

If you ever want to
hang out, talk shop,

here is my business card.

It's a punch card, so...

This could be the start of
a beautiful friendship!

Oh, my God! "When
Harry Met Sally"

is, like, my favorite
movie of all time.

Me, too.

But, if you'll excuse me,

I have to go eat Loren's.

- Okay.
- 'Kay.

- Hey, babe.
- Baby.

- No, come on.
- Oh!

- Shake, shake, shake, shake-a, shake-a.
- Okay, yeah, that's fun.

- God, you are perfect.
- You are.

Is that... is that Rick Greene?

Uh.

Hi, mister.

You've got me confused
with someone else.

- Okay.
- Happens all the time.

Okay.

You know Dr. Greene?

- Oh, I love those guys.
- "Guys"?

We're burned. Loren's onto us.

You spoke to the whore?

She will blow our cover

in front of the
whole damn school.

Great. We've got to move back down to
Brazil until this whole mess cools over.

No, we don't have to move
back down, all right?

We're gonna apologize and get
ahead of this whole damn thing.

Get ahead of the thing?!

We're gonna get ahead
of the thing, yes.

- You and the prostitute.
- It's not me and the prostitute!

You and the
prostitute, yeah, no.

You're the one with
the punch card!

Don't you talk about
my punch card!

Stop it!

$375 for a rim job?!

What is a rim j...

actually, that one's
pretty self-explanatory.

Am I interrupting something?

"Am I interrupting something?"

Abbey, what is going on?!

I gave you one task, and Loren
is still racking up charges!

About that... I'm out.

Jade is actually an
incredible person,

and she realizes that
I'm, uh, pretty cool,

and she wants to
hang out on the reg.

I just hired her as a
prostitute to love Loren.

Like any best
friend would, okay?

And, now, she is bankrupting me!

Well, I think Jade is great,

and what she does with her
body is her business.

Oh, no, it's also my business

because she's now
ruining my credit!

- Well, then, just tell Loren.
- Never.

He would never forgive me.
I'll figure out another way,

but you will not protest Gil
Nash at the graduation.

- What?
- You broke our deal!

- Fine!
- Fine!

I've got a better idea, anyway!

- Great!
- Fine.

- Fine.
- Fine!

- Fine.
- Fine.

Well... knock, knock.

Oh, Mr. Shoemaker.

Hope this isn't a bad time.

You could not have picked a
worse time to sell me Joslyn's.

And I am sorry about that,
but I wanted to tell you

about some new
rings that we have

that just came in with my
favorite stone... jade.

Again, I'm not interested, so...

Well, perhaps I could go sell

some of these jade
pieces to Loren.

With those beautiful,
hazel eyes...

Quinn, I know that
Jade's a prostitute!

Now, unless you outfit
this graduation

with Joslyn's gear,

I will tell Loren, and
it will crush him!

You... wouldn't... dare...

tell... Loren... that...

I... hired... a... prostitute.

Oh, I would,

Unless you're willing
to turn this graduation

into a rad-duation. Am I right?

That's a great name...
"rad-duation."

Kyle. Kyle.

Help me find the key.
A raccoon took it.

- Kyle!
- Fairbell.

Did you sleep here?

Yes.

I tried everything
to save my job.

I didn't eat for three hours,

I laid down on the floor,

I chained myself to this
door, and nothing worked.

Yeah, because all those
things are super lame.

You've got to do something huge.

Like what?

Well, let me just tell you that,

when I get done with Gil Nash,

his period tax is gonna
go up in flames.

Up in flames.

Maybe I do know what
to do, after all.

Well, if you'll excuse me,

- I've got to go find some pig's blood.
- Gasoline.

Ugh! Oh!

Aaah!

These kids look really
hot, Shoemaker.

The hottest.

That's because they're wearing

the new Joslyn's brand
executive graduation robe.

- It's lined with real gray wolf fur.
- Whoa!

Wolf fur... perfect for summer.

You know, I can sense
your sarcasm, Abbey.

I'm sorry you had to buy
your own crappy robes.

I'm glad we did buy
our own robes.

These kids are sweating
like a whore in church.

Or in graduation, am I right?

Quinn came to me, and he said,

"Shoemaker, I want to make this

"the greatest graduation
we've ever had."

Isn't that right, Geoffrey?

It certainly is.

Please help me
welcome your friend

and reformed citizen,
Geoffrey Quinn!

Hey.

Hello.

Welcome to 2017's...

rad-duation!

Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome

the new mayor of Denver, Mr.
Gil Nash!

Ah. Well, uh, I may not
have the, uh, fancy slogans

the Principal Quinn has...

but I think what he's
trying to say is

that we are all
here to celebrate

the Smoot High graduating
class of 2017!

Now, I'm sure all of you
are looking forward

to the challenges ahead,

but maybe also
feeling a little sad

about leaving Smoot behind.

I mean, it's mere minutes away
from shopping and nightlife,

with prime green spaces,

and how about those
mountain views?

Ooh! Smoot is literally an oasis

smack-dab in the middle
of the Mile High City.

Whether you're an
up-and-coming professional

or new empty nesters,

Smoot is an amazing community!

Till they turn
their back on you!

Son, I'm in the middle of
something, here, okay?

Yeah, my gymnasium...

at least, it was until
they took it away from me.

You smell like gasoline?

Oh, you mean protest juice?

No, you... you, li... Oh, God,
you're covered in gasoline.

- Whoa!
- Whoa!

Okay. I'm not gonna
take it anymore.

I'm not gonna be ignored.

And these colors don't run.

I'm gonna do exactly
what Abbey told me to

and light myself on fire.

Oh, no, no, no. That's
not what I said!

Fairbell, no, no, no.

This is all for you, Smoot!

Oh! I didn't know it
was gonna be so hot!

- Ugh!
- Aah!

- Ohh.
- Ugh.

Nothing ever works out for me!

I can't even stay lit on fire!

Oh, hell.

Oh!

All this blood is
making the kids faint!

- Are they fainting?
- It's not that.

It's these crazy hot robes.

The zippers are defective.

Who sold the kids these...
robes?!

It's Shoemaker!

Kill him.

- Yeah.
- Kill him!

Okay, everybody.

Cooler heads prevail.

There is a simple
explanation for...

No refunds! Not any refunds!
There's no refunds!

Joslyn's...

Oh!

Is there a doctor in the house?!

No.

There's a doctors in the house.

He's right.

We are, and have always been, two Dr.
Greenes.

But right here, on
this stage right now,

we are revealed!

Revealed!

Who gives a?

- That got nothing? Zero.
- Nothing?

That should've gotten
so much more than that.

That should've gotten way more.

Hey. Hey, Doublemint.

There's kids dying. Go help 'em.

But you admit that there should've
been more of a reaction?

Yes, fine. Go help.

- Thank you very much.
- Thank you.

Oh.

Geoffrey Quinn,
you're under arrest.

Hey! Get your hands off me, boy!

Vachara, this is Quinn.

Under arrest? What for?

For soliciting a prostitute.

But that wasn't for me...
that was for my best friend.

What?

Jade, is this true?

Are you a prostitute?

Shut the up.

- I can't believe...
- I'm so sorry, Loren. I-I never...

that you would do something
so awesome for me, Quinn.

You did this to help me
get through my slump?

Yeah. Yeah.

- That is best-friend stuff, man.
- Oh!

Thank you.

You saying that... and
that's gonna sustain me...

What do you think?

One to three?

One to three years
of best friendship.

Yeah.

Bring it in here, best friend.

- You got it.
- Come on, let's go.

God. My girlfriend
is a prostitute.

Yeah. It looks like
your girlfriend

is getting arrested.

Jade!

Jeff, bring me over.

Jade, it doesn't bother me
that you're a prostitute.

I don't care if you've slept
with every guy in Denver.

I have.

I don't care about what
you do for a living.

- All I care about is what's right here
- Oh!

- And, also, your heart.
- Oh!

And that's why
I'll wait for you.

- I don't care how long...
- Probably only be like 12 hours.

I know Jeff, and I can suck
my way out of anything.

Well, then I guess I only have

one question left for
you, Jade Falcon Kerouac.

Oh, my God. What is it?

Oh!

Will you marry me?

- Seriously?
- What?

- You're gonna gasp at that?
- Come on.

That's what gets a ga... that's
a soap-opera gimmick, people.

We are twins.

- Secret twins.
- Secret twins.

You got to stop talking at
the same time. Stop it.

Shh!

The whore was about to answer.

Thank you.

So? What do you say?

- Yes, yes.
- Yes?

Yes, I would love to be Mrs.
Loren Payton.

- Really?
- Yes, yes!

Oh. Oh.

She kissed me on the mouth.

- I did.
- Guys, she kissed me on my mouth.

- Yeah!
- Yes!

I've never seen a whore do that.

Oh, hey, look at that.

Your, uh, cold sore's
coming in nicely, there.

It's chapped lips, dude.
It's unrelated.

No, it is not. That is
an aggressive herpe

from that new fiancée of yours.

Fiancée? I like the
sound of that.

How'd you get her
to quit her job?

Oh, no, I didn't. No,
between our two salaries,

she's the breadwinner
in the family.

- Oh.
- Literally, she's working

the Orowheats conference
downtown this weekend.

Oh, wow. Loren, I think that you
might finally have gotten woke.

If my fiancé was
getting whack-a-moled

by eight guys in a hotel room,

- I don't think that I could handle it.
- I couldn't.

I guess I never thought
of it that way.

Yeah.

Or at all, really, but
I'm cool with it.

Yeah. I'm cool...
I'm cool with...

Well, you should be,
'cause Jade is awesome.

- Yes.
- She gave me her business card,

said that if I ever
wanted to change careers,

give her a call, huh?

Yeah. You'll stay busy

because there are
plenty of sickos

- with ginger fetishes in this world.
- Yes.

Oh, you guys are too sweet.

Yeah. I had a pretty
kickass night myself.

Tampa found out about
my economic windfall,

and she said, "I want
you to come home."

- Hey.
- Oh!

Yeah. I'm renting
the basement...

for $2,500 a month.

- Wait, $2,500?
- Yeah.

Yeah, that is steep
for a none-bedroom,

but I'm 15 feet away

from being part of my
family again, so...

Ohh! I just had the coolest
thing happen to me.

- The mayor just called me.
- No way.

Yes, huh. Yes, huh.
And guess what...

He just made me the
new principal.

- What?
- Are you serious?

Yeah. Since Quinn got
arrested again, it's me!

I'm the principal!

Yeah, he said he'd never seen
passion like mine before,

and anyone who's willing
to "self-imitate"

in front of everyone

is exactly the kind
of stable principal

that Smoot deserves.

No way. In what world
are you my boss?

- This one, right now.
- Shut up.

Fairbell, principal. Wow.

Abbey, you ought to protest
Gil Nash over this bull

I'm done protesting. If
Fairbell really is principal,

then I'm gonna spend
some time on Abbey.

Besides, how bad can
a real-estate mogul

turned politician be?

Giving the job to that flaming
volleyball coach was genius.

Ha!

I was gonna put lead in
the drinking fountain

but this will ruin the
school so much quicker.

Yep. And after Captain Deep

runs Smoot into the ground...

- You get your corner unit...
- Ah ah.

And I get my mixed use condo.

ENJOY!!!! Do not
miss this tomorrow!