Those Who Can't (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - What's Eating Uncle Jake? - full transcript

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ENJOY!!!! Do not
miss this tomorrow!

_

You can't go anywhere at Smoot
these days without hearing

about the JV Girls'
volleyball team.

And by "team," I mean little
Debbie, otherwise known

as... Girl Quake!

_

This girl is incredible! This
is our first time since the

'80s that we made it to
the State Championship.

What does Coach Fairbell
have to say about this?

We got him walking to his car.



Oh, my god! Was he wearing his
women's track suit, size small?

I don't know if it's
men's or women's.

The tag just says juniors 3, so...
ohh!

Ohh!

Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!

Ahh... I'm okay.

Uh-oh!

Looks like Coach Baby
Dunce fall down, go boom!

I like the new direction Chen's

- taking the journalism class in.
- No way. This is garbage.

I didn't even know
we had a TV station.

Yeah. It was originally Smoot
Court TV, but now they're

branching out. But, trust
me, nobody's watching this.

I'm glad they changed it.



- This is way more fun.
- It is way more fun.

Way more fun.

Apparently, everyone around here
thinks I'm some kind of big joke.

Well, I'm not laughing.

You remember that baby that was

- All "Wah! Wah!"?
- Yeah.

Fairbell, that baby was you.
They're saying you're not

qualified to be coach, which is
surprising, 'cause they're the

same morons who paint
their faces on game day.

There he is!

S-m-double-o-t! Just the
man I wanted to see!

Oh, Coach Fairbell, I want you
to know something right now.

We are all behind you and
Little Debbie and the other

- girls on the team.
- Thank you.

Now, the PTA is actually willing
to spend a little money

- to make sure you're supported.
- Wow! What a shocker!

A bunch of bappin' harpies want
to allocate money to something

as worthless as
organized sports!

Meanwhile, it's us educators
who get the shaft.

You know I'm letting an oil
company frack my front yard?

You need to watch your
language in the tea...

- Your attitude is appalling!
- Abbey, I get it.

You love books. You should
go read one right now.

- Alone, silently.
- Is anyone else upset about

the results of the
schoolwide literacy test?

No. Kids at Smoot are stupid.

I think we're all in
agreeance on that.

Okay.

"Agreeance" is not a word. And
that kind of attitude is why

30% of our kids read
below a 5th-grade level!

Well, I'll tell you something...
100% of our

students are jazzed about
this volleyball game!

- Yeah, they are.
- So ridiculous.

Now, the PTA is offering $12
an hour to bring someone in

- to assist Coach Fairbell.
- I'll do it.

Yeah. I should do that.

It's ridiculous.

You don't even know
anything about sports.

Me? I love the sporting and the
events and the mallets and

feathers and the pageantry!
Nagano? Ha ha ha!

Whose horse?

- Halftime.
- You know more than I thought.

You're hired. Deadwood shake?

- That's great. Yeah.
- We actually have to run that

by the PTA first, you know.
They're very particular about

- their funds.
- Too late. Too late.

- We already deadwood-shook on it.
- We gotta go plan.

Come on, Assistant Coach.

You know, Quinn, If you
need some more money

I kind of have an in with
a corporate sponsor.

Well, I'm not gonna
lie to you Loren.

We'll take all the
pennies we can get.

Okay. All right. All right.

You want me to pay
500 bucks for what?

It's called a finder's fee.
It's standard, Jake.

Ask anybody. I mean, don't.
Trust me.

- It's totally standard.
- So, I pay you $500 so I can

- pay the school $2,000?
- Jake, I don't know how to

tell you this, but nobody
really likes your pizza.

Sponsoring a girls' volleyball team
could totally change your image.

Lots of people like my pizza.

Don't worry about my image.
I've got something on the

horizon that's gonna
change everything for me.

Oh Christ! this isn't
gonna be another

crust-stuffed crust
situation, is it?

A lot of people like crust. Some
people only like the crust.

- Nobody only likes crust.
- You've never eaten pizza with

somebody that leaves the body of
the pizza and only eats the crust.

No, never.

- An aluminum can. Cool, Jake.
- This...

Is the future of pizza. Look.

I cut little circles...

- Yeah...
- Little pizza circles, then

sell them to the kids $2.99.
They love 'em.

Look at that... bite-size.

Unless you're a
very small child.

Then, you know, it seems like a

full pizza if you're a
very young toddler.

The best part is what
iit leaves behind.

I call it Uncle
Jake's pizza web.

Retails at $4.99.
Isn't that cool?

- Look how dope that is.
- Jake, I'm telling you this

'cause you're my cousin
and I care about you.

That is literally the dumbest idea
I've ever heard in my entire life.

You tell that to the man who
invented the doughnut hole,

'cause I think he's doing
pretty good right now.

In fact, I heard that recently

he bought an island shaped
like a doughnut hole.

You mean shaped like an island?

Have you noticed how not one
customer has come in here

the entire time we've been talking?
You need to sponsor this team, Jake.

You need some more
business in here.

If I give you all this money, you can
guarantee that Smoot's gonna win?

We've got Little
Debbie now, dude.

This shit is a lock. Trust me.

Okay. I'll do it.
Deadwood shake on it?

Deadwood shake on it.

Oh, dude. Is this blood
or marinara sauce?

Maybe both. Wash your hands.

Ugh! Don't look at me.

I'm gonna call your dad.

Okay, Lady Tariffs. In the days
leading up to this big game,

there are gonna be a lot of
distractions out there, okay?

A lot of things competing
for your attent...

- Oh! Nickel! Free nickel!
- Beep, beep!

- Aah.
- Let's move it, ladies.

- Ha ha!
- Girls, some of you may know

Mr. Shoemaker from
being yelled at.

Yeah, well, not anymore, because
I am your new Assistant Coach.

And I took the liberty of doing a little
of what I like to call "belichicking."

Did some surveillance on the

Our Lady of Eternal Suffering
Penguins, and i...

What's wrong with
their penguins?

No, the penguins are fine.
The lady is suffering.

- What's wrong with their lady?
- She's Catholic. Let it go.

All right. Now, I did
some surveillance,

and I caught them doing... This!

Let's see what
they're doing there.

What is this?!

Did you go spy on
their practice.

Well, I told you I did surveill

All right. Well...

No one is interested in
seeing this part, so...

I'm very interested in it, Mr.
Shoemaker.

I'm not gonna use this
for anything sexual.

I just want to film these girls
so I can use it to expose them

and then beat them.

Can you believe that?
What is that?

Let's turn this off.
I've seen enough.

Coach Fairbell, um... I just
wanted to say, on behalf

of a lot of people, we are very
proud and grateful for how well

you've done with these
girls this season...

- Thank you.
- Getting them this far.

But the PTA agrees that
it's time for a change...

In leadership. Uh,
this is actually very

difficult to say, but
we've decided to hire

Coach Namalana... Nam... N-nalanana...
N-nalanana Mana...

Ma... Ni... Mcscrat...
Namber Hallix.

Well, look, I did say it's
very difficult to say.

The Colorado volleyball
legend Nahana Manhallana?

Yes. So, because of that,
we actually have to...

Ask you to step down.

From where?

- Let's hustle! Come on, now!
- Hustle!

H-u-s-t-l-e! Let's hustle it up!

- What was our agreement?!
- Watching in silence.

- Minimal hand gestures.
- This is your final warning.

I was kind of looking forward
to being Assistant Coach.

You know, I've been watching
the videos on this guy named

Bobby Knight. Have
you ever seen him?

He's amazing! He got
paid millions of dollars

- to just chuck chairs at people.
- Come on! Step in, Beth!

- Step in!
- Step in, Beth!

- Spike it!
- Spike it up! Or under!

What are we doing?! Seriously,
how is this game played?

I have had it with
you two clowns.

I am done. Get the
hell out of my gym!

If I had a chair, I'd chuck it!

- Get out!
- Well, isn't that convenient?!

Lady Tariffs, I'm still really
proud of what we did this

season, okay? But I want
you to listen to what

Coach Manhallana has to say.
She's your new leader now.

I don't want to you to
forget our motto...

"Bump... Set... And smile."

Hey. Why don't you leave the
pep talks to me, there.

Okay, Coach Baby Dunce?

That's hurtful.

Where do you think
you're going, missy?

I only play for
Coach Baby Dunce.

I found this one in
the janitor's closet.

- Shh. Shh. Shh. It's okay
- No, Steve.

For the last time, it's
pronounced "Topps" Bar, okay?

Get your head out of
the gutter, dude.

- What's wrong with you?
- What's this shit that I

hear about Little Debbie
not playing in the game?

Hey, everybody, look!
It's a celebrity...

- My cousin Uncle Jake!
- Hi, guys. Jake's pizza.

I actually can't be in the same room
with him due to pending litigation.

It says on the side of
the box, very clearly...

It says, "shellfish and
poultry may be undercooked."

What's confusing about that?

I gave his parents
several opportunities...

- I know you did...
- To settle.

- I don't like your dad!
- Yes. Nobody likes his dad.

Yeah!

You can't yell at the
kids like that, Jake.

What's so important you had
to come down to the school?

I overheard some chuckleheads
talking at the shop.

They were saying that
Little Debbie is out of the

tournament. She won't
play for anybody who

- isn't her old coach.
- Wait. Fairbell?

Yeah. If Little Debbie doesn't
play, then Smoot loses,

and then... I will be
the laughingstock of

- the pizza community.
- Jake, you already are the

laughingstock of the
pizza community.

Who's been talking?
Little Caesar?

- It's this fucking Papa John's?
- Relax, okay?

I'll get Little
Debbie playing again.

Just calm down. You
better, 'cause if you

don't, you can take those sweet
little round lips and you can

- kiss that finder's fee goodbye.
- Kiss... take my lips and

- Kiss it?
- Take it back down into my pocket.

That's the dis you
want to go with?

That's really impressive, Jake.

Understand that you
won't get the $500.

- Get that?
- Yeah, I've got it.

Tell your dad to call my
dad about Rockies tickets.

- Oh, for real?
- Yeah.

Okay.

Oh.

Mr. Uncle Jake?

Uh, I, uh, couldn't help but
overhear your conversation, and

Look, if you want to
fill out an application,

then you'll get a job, but
this is not how it's done

Not in the pizza community.

Oh. Well, actually, I'm here to
offer you an exciting opportunity.

What do people think about

- when they think about Uncle Jake's?
- Diarrhea.

Okay. Uh, well, I
thought you might

say, "pizza," and then
I was going to say,

"what if they thought
about pizza and reading?"

Yeah, but I already have
something going with Loren.

- He's my image consultant.
- Oh, but Loren?

I mean, is that really a good
choice for an image consultant?

Yeah. He dresses
dope as hell, dude.

He gave me my first
Nautica shirt.

You know, I have actually
always thought that you look

superdope.

- You're much doper than Loren.
- Really?

Yeah, really. But, you
know, I'm just like a

stupid girl who likes monster
energy drinks and, like,

watching videos of
animals having sex.

Both of those things are
in my Tinder profile.

Wow! That is surprising that
you would like those things.

Yeah. Anyway, what do you think

about starting a literacy
campaign with me?

All right. Deadwood shake on it?

Sure. Oh.

You didn't get any on it.

- How'd you find me?
- This is where we met,

remember? You were
wandering around,

tearing up aluminum cans. The
fish and game department

wanted to tranquilize you.
I said, "no!

- Let me talk to her."
- Yeah. I remember that.

- What are you doing here, Coach?
- Little Debbie, did you ever

read the book "big girl
plays volleyball"?

No. Sounds like it would be
right up my alley, though.

Well, it's about a girl who's
bigger than all the other girls,

who did most of her talking with
monster spikes and once pushed a

girl through the bleachers
while diving after a ball.

- I did that!
- Then there was a coaching

change, and she stopped
playing and ran away.

- That sure sounds like me.
- Oh.

You're right. That's...
Not a book at all.

I've just been... Describing
what's been happening in real

life up to this exact moment.

That's funny.

Anyways, I-I think you
should go back and play for

Coach Manhallana for yourself.

- Okay, but I'm going back for you.
- For yourself.

- No, just for you.
- Wait! Wait! No! No!

Ohhh! My hip screws! Ugh!

And we're back at the
volleyball championships, and

thanks to Little Debbie, the
Smoot Tariffs have won the first

set out of three against the Our
Lady of Eternal Suffering Penguins.

Now, why do you think those
penguins are suffering, Tam-Tam?

Probably 'cause of that
ass-whipping Debbie handed down.

Oh, that is a little salty.

And, speaking of ass-whipping...

Oh, look at that!

There is Terry the Tariff,
our school mascot, now.

Go, Terry!

Aw, damn. They done
broke out the shanks.

Well, remember that
they're children, Tammy.

Hey!

- Get your little asses back here!
- Little Debbie!

Good to see you enjoying
that pizza web.

You might want to slow
down a little bit, okay?

You still have a lot
of running left to do.

All right. Eat
responsibly, Debbie.

Well, what do you say,
cousin Uncle Jake?

Packed house, little Debbie's
back out on the court.

I think it's time to start
talking about that finder's fee.

Yeah, about that, cuz... It
ain't happening anymore.

I'm going a different direction
with the image and branding...

- a direction that's free.
- What?

- Hey, bud!
- Hey, yeah.

Hey, Jake tell you we're
partners in a literacy campaign?

Yeah. We're gonna make
reading the dope-ass way to

- learn shit.
- Yeah!

- What?! That's crazy!
- Right. Check this out.

Dun dun dun dun dun-dun!
Hey, what the shit Jake?

I even came up with your
speech bubble on my own.

It says, "Get illiterate
with every bite!"

That's what you wanted
illiteracy campaign.

No, I said I want a
literacy campaign.

This is encouraging
kids not to read.

Well, I'm gonna encourage
you not to mumble.

This is the new direction
you guys are going in?

- This is well worth the $500.
- Shut up, Loren.

Maybe... maybe
they won't notice.

I mean, 30% of them
can't read anyway.

Yeah, 30% and climbing, now
that the kids get illiterate

with every bite, thanks
to you, Librarian.

What say you and I go back to
the, uh, parking lot, in my car,

- for a hard-core fingering sesh?
- Uh, yeah.

I'll totally meet you there
if you can just spell

- "Fingering Session."
- Easy. F-i-n-j-g-a...

- Shut up.
- I got I got locked up

- 'cause I had to say it so fast!
- You almost had it, dude.

Were you going like
this behind me?

- Yeah, like, the whole time.
- Dope.

Boom!

If Little Debbie can
keep this up, then those

suffering penguins will have
suffered their last indignity.

All right! Let's go, Debbie!
Let's go!

Bring it home for mama, 'cause I'm...
we... we are all about to

win the State Championship!
Bring it home, baby!

- That's... God. - Uh-oh.

Looks like little
Debbie's getting queasy.

Time!

Little Deb, come back! Beth,
go check on how she's

doing, please...
While we're young.

- Let's go.
- Uh, looks like

Coach Malakanananana is gonna
send someone in to check on

Little Debbie. God,
I hope she's okay.

Doubt it. I saw her
scarfing down some

Uncle Jake's a little
earlier, and I said to her,

"girl, you have got to
respect yourself more."

- Told you.
- No. No, no, no, no, no.

- Beth, you're in.
- Substitution!

Me?

- Yes. Let's go, dear.
- Looks like Beth is gonna get

her first action since getting
some action five months ago.

Aah!

Ohh! Ohh.

No! Aah!

Come on, tariffs!

Got it! Got it! Got
it, got it, got it!

- No! Ohh - Shit.

We're all tied up here at the
State Championship, and we're

down to a Little Debbie-less set 3...
winner take all.

Coach Manhallana, is there
any word on Little Debbie?

Yeah. I quit.

Well, that's the Smoot
spirit right there.

Did you just see that last set?
It was a god damn slaughter.

- So you're quitting?
- I will not have this loss on

my record.

Well, I will.

Were you wearing two
shirts the whole time?

In an unforeseen turn of
events, Coach Malawalalala...

Whatever her name is... she
abandoned the girls after

losing set 2. However,
there is still a ray of

hope, because Coach Fairbell
is back at the helm!

This is your chance to show
everybody that you aren't

- Coach Baby Dunce.
- Do you remember that baby?

It was all, "wa-a-a-a-h!" Aaah!
Aaah!

Listen. Listen. I need
you to focus right now,

Okay? Listen, I
can't even believe

that I'm gonna say this right
now, but I think what these

girls need is an inspirational
speech from their coach.

Speech? I didn't... I
didn't write a speech.

It's easy. Think of
every cliché sports

movie you've ever
seen in your life.

Done. Okay.

Now All you got to do is tell
them why they won't win and then

tell them why they will.
That I can do.

- Don't touch me.
- All right, Lady Tariffs!

Huddle up!
Inspirational-speech time!

Look, I know we're down, okay?
And I'm gonna be blunt.

Little Debbie is the only reason
we're even in this dance, 'cause

we've always been losers.
And we're losers today.

If I was gonna bet on it,
we'd be losers tomorrow.

Okay, Smoot!

- But, uh...
- time to hit the court!

What the hell was that?!

You just called them all losers
and then sent them back out on

- the court!
- I didn't have time to get to

the inspirational part.
Time-out. Time-out.

Whoa! What are you doing?

I'm fixing it!

Huddle up, Lady Tariffs!
Let's go!

Wow. Coach Fairbell, burning
the first of his two time-outs

right out of the gate there.
Anybody want a drink of

water, orange slices
before we start?

Coach, we only have 30 seconds!

Oh, yeah. Okay. Good call, Beth.

Okay. Let me just recap.
Little Debbie's out.

We're "f'd" in the
"b" without her.

I'm a lifetime loser. You've
All been losers since

I've known you. If there's
one thing that gives

me hope...

- Time-out's over! - Oh, my god.

- Back on the court!
- No, no, no!

- Way to go, Coach Baby Dunce.
- Time-out! Time-out!

Oh, my god.

Bring it in!

- Oh, my god.
- Okay. Here we go.

Lady Tariffs, despite all of the
challenges that we've overcome

this season and the mysterious
illness that has knocked

Little Debbie out of this game,
I have every confidence that we

can win, because when I look
around, all I see is winners.

You're all winners!

We have some time left, I guess,

if anybody else wants
to say anything.

You used our time-outs to tell
them that they're all winners?

That's a positive takeaway.

I could have yelled
that from the chairs.

You're all winners!

- Back on the court!
- You're all winners!

Only a miracle
could save us now.

Holy crap! That's Little Debbie!

- It is!
- Oh-ho-ho!

- Whoo! Yeah!
- Let's do this.

Oh, my god! Oh, my god!

Yes! Yeah! Yeah!

- Oh, my god!
- Debbie! Debbie!

- Ah-ha-ha!
- What?!

Hey, Coach. I was
just pretending sick

'cause I knew Coach
Mahaha would quit.

Now we can win this
game together.

Yes! Yes!

I'd like to make a substitution.

You can only do that on time-outs,
and you're out of time-outs.

Well, isn't that convenient?!
You know why you're wearing

white and black?! 'Cause
you're a criminal!

Oh, you want to chest-bump me?!
You want to try the big stick?!

You want to go?!

Ohh!

- That's it! You're ejected!
- I eject you!

- You're ejected!
- You're ejected!

- Get out of here!
- Oh, are you late for your

- shift at lady footlocker?!
- Get out!

What are you laughing at?!

Hey!

Looks like Little Debbie's back
but she can't get in the game.

Shoemaker's tossing shit and

- Terry just went down.
- Are you getting what you came for?

Are you not entertained?!

Come on!

Think we're gonna lose, Coach.

Don't worry. I gave those
girls a movie speech.

We can't lose.

You know, those speeches work a

- lot better in the movies.
- It's okay, Coach.

I'd rather lose for you
than win for somebody else.

- Yeah. Me, too.
- Thanks.

Terry, you're so dumb.

Well, I guess Coach Baby Dunce
couldn't pull it off after all.

But I mean, is anybody
actually surprised?

Looks like baby made poopy!

On the bright side though

Smoot now has a new
official pizza

thanks to Abbey Logan's
illeteracy campaign

And she is not taking her
newfound fame very well.

She forgot to put an underwear.

Somebody is a natural redhead.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

All right, Chen!

You and these little perverts are
gonna shut this fucking thing now.

Don't be scared.

Eddie take a picture.

- I'm gonna murder you.
- Aah, Aah!

I'm gonna murder you!

ENJOY!!!! Do not
miss this tomorrow!