This Is Us (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript
Rebecca goes into an early labor; Randall finds his biological father; Kevin faces a personal and professional crisis; Kate finds herself at a low point.
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♪ Spirit of my silence ♪
♪ I can hear you ♪
♪ But I'm afraid to be near you ♪
♪ And I don't know ♪
♪ Where to begin ♪
Okay, I'm ready.
REBECCA: You promise you like your gift?
The towel? It's absolutely terrible.
Suit's on?
- Yes, ma'am.
- Your birthday suit.
Only one I've got.
(CHUCKLES)
I had to put the lingerie
on top of my clothes.
I see that.
It wasn't a great moment for me.
Tradition is tradition.
Yeah. But I'm gonna go ahead
and spare us both the
seductive birthday dance
- this year.
- I'm sorry, baby, but it's my birthday,
and I would really, really
like to see the dance.
(CHUCKLES)
Your funeral.
- Mm-hmm.
- (SCOFFS)
- Ready?
- Mm-hmm.
(HUMMING, GRUNTS)
(HUMMING) You like it,
- right?
- (LAUGHS)
This is what you want.
A little of that.
A little of that, for you?
- (LAUGHING)
- I will gag
you dead with that towel.
Okay, okay.
- I'm quiet.
- Come on.
♪ Amethyst and flowers on the table ♪
♪ Is it real or a fable? ♪
♪ Well, I suppose ♪
- ♪ A friend is a friend ♪
- (SIGHS)
♪ And we all know ♪
♪ How this will end ♪
You suck.
♪ What is that song ♪
♪ You sing for the dead? ♪
♪ I see the signal searchlight ♪
- (COMPUTER CHIMES)
- ♪ Strike me in the window ♪
♪ Of... ♪
- (DOOR OPENS)
- WOMAN: Got a sec, boss?
Yeah. What's up?
ALL: ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy birthday ♪
- (QUIETLY): Yeah...
- ♪ To you ♪
- (CHUCKLES)
- ♪ Happy... ♪
♪ I forgive you, Mother,
I can hear you ♪
♪ And I long to be near you ♪
- WOMAN: We love your show.
- Huh?
Do you want to dance?
Uh-uh. No. But, um,
you know, you go ahead.
It's my birthday today.
36 today.
- You don't look 36.
- Yeah, I do.
REBECCA: ♪ Happy 36th birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy 36th birthday to you ♪
♪ I have triplets inside of me ♪
♪ I am Shamu ♪
♪ We all know how this will end ♪
Hey, Big Three, do you three know
how much I love your mother?
I mean, do you even have
- any idea?
- (BABY VOICE): Yeah, we do. Now shut up
- and let your fat-ass wife go to sleep.
- No.
No, no, no. Birthday tradition
is birthday tradition.
(CHUCKLES) So close your eyes in
there, kids, because Daddy's about
to do some real terrible
things to Mommy.
(CHUCKLES)
♪ I see the signal
searchlight strike me ♪
♪ In the window ♪
♪ Of my room ♪
♪ Chimney swift that finds me ♪
♪ Be my keeper ♪
♪ Silhouette of the cedar ♪
♪ What is that song ♪
♪ You sing for the dead? ♪
- ♪ What is that song ♪
- (SHOUTS)
- (CHUCKLES)
- ♪ You sing for the dead? ♪
How could you possibly
want me right now?
In any state, my wife, you arouse me.
I bet I can make that go away.
- There's nothing you can say that's...
- My water just broke.
(MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY)
- Yep.
- Yeah.
- ♪
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
♪ My hands to myself ♪
♪ Can't keep my hands... ♪
You know when I think it all
went wrong for me was 1986,
second grade. They were sending
the Challenger up into space.
You remember the Challenger, right?
- Yeah. With Sandra Bullock?
- No.
Christa McAuliffe, right?
She was gonna be
the first teacher into space.
She was actually gonna change the world.
I don't know how, but you
could feel that, you know?
At least, in second grade, you could...
you could feel it.
Middle of the school day,
the teacher brings in a TV, right?
We're all just sitting
there, watching the launch,
a bunch of seven-year-olds
just-just watchin'.
And all of a sudden, boom! (GASPS)
The whole thing explodes.
Little pieces of sweet Christa McAuliffe
come raining down all over
the state of Florida.
It was awful.
Maybe that's when I realized
trying to change the world
just leads to being blown up
into little pieces all over Florida.
Maybe that's how I wound
up as the Man-ny.
(PHONE BUZZING)
It's my sister.
Kate?
You... you didn't have any ice, so...
Well, this is a low point.
We're 36.
We're officially late 30s.
Like, we are deep in the threes.
Yep.
(SCOFFS)
How did I get here?
Like, how the hell did I get here?
Remember second grade, the
Challenger explosion?
You have got to stop with
the Challenger explosion.
There's something there.
You're the only good
thing in my life, Kev.
- I'm not that great. Come on.
- I know.
That's what makes it worse.
(CHUCKLES)
I had this...
whole dream life that I
envisioned for myself.
- A real career.
- (CHUCKLES)
I would marry a man like Dad.
I would be a mom like Mom.
But look at me, Kev.
Like, I ate my dream life away.
(SNIFFLES) So what do you... what
do you want me to say to you, huh?
Wh-What... Give me the
magic phrase, sis, to say
to make you feel better and I'll say it.
Tell me to quit feeling sorry for myself.
I don't know.
Tell me to wake the hell up. Tell me,
tell me to lose the damn weight.
Quit feeling sorry for yourself.
All right? That can start right now.
Wake the hell up.
And-and, you know...
the... What was the...
what was the third thing?
Lose the damn weight.
You want to say that again?
I'm gonna lose the damn weight.
(SIGHS)
You are a lot smarter than you look.
That's what Michael Bay told me.
- ♪
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- Here you go.
- Oh, yeah.
Thank you. (EXHALES)
Hey, do you realize me and the kids
- are gonna have the same birthday?
- (CHUCKLES) I know.
Yeah.
Still, six weeks early
- is pretty early.
- Yeah.
I know.
(EXHALES)
What the hell could this
thing possibly be for?
It's for rectal examinations.
That one's from the dirty pile.
Sorry.
Now, then, I'm Dr. Katowski,
but you can call me Doc or Dr. K,
which is what most people choose to do
- because it's folksy.
- Oh,
so you work with Dr. Schneider?
Take a breath for me, dear.
- (EXHALES)
- Deep breath, now.
There you go.
All right. You relaxed?
Good, good, good.
Dr. Schneider's appendix burst
an hour ago. He just went
into surgery. No, no,
- no, no, no. Now, stay with me.
- Oh, God. No, I need Dr. Schneider
- 'cause he knows about...
- Stay with me now.
Between his screams of agony, Schneider
brought me up to speed on
everything concerning your case.
I know all about these
triplets, and I know that this
- is a high-risk pregnancy.
- Yeah.
But everything's gonna be all right.
This is some kind of bad joke, right?
It is not, unfortunately.
Now, sweetheart, I'm gonna get
straight to your first concern.
- Look at me now. Look at me.
- (PANTING)
- Do you see me? I am 73 years old.
- Yeah.
- You know what that means, don't you?
- No.
That means I don't run wind
sprints as fast as I used to,
but my faculties are
otherwise completely intact.
There are days that I wish they weren't,
because then I would retire
and spend my remaining days
doing something more glamorous
than pulling eight-pound objects
out of women's vaginas.
But until that time,
I keep showing up here every day.
All right?
I'm also aware that I'm a
complete stranger to you,
and this is the biggest moment
- of your life.
- Yeah.
- All right? Honey, listen to me,
- Yeah.
I am the best of the best.
And I swear to you, on
the lives of my children
and my grandchildren,
that I am up to the task.
- All right? All right.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
- All right.
Good.
Now, which one of you's pregnant?
Now, that was a bad joke, but
you just continue to take
those deep breaths...
Let's see... let me see if
any of my people are here.
Let me take a little test.
Sheket bevakasha!
- (SCATTERED HEYS)
- Jew! Jew!
Jew!
All right, hey! Come on!
(BUZZER SOUNDS)
And... action!
- ♪
- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Huh? Huh?
What can I do to make
you feel better, huh?
You want me to breastfeed you?
Would that make you feel better,
if I breastfed ya?
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah? Here we go. Let's try to...
(LAUGHTER, WHOOPING)
I'm-I'm sorry, guys. I need to cut.
Uh...
MAN: Sorry, everybody. A
little technical difficulty.
- Who wants a T-shirt?
- (CHEERING)
- Hey, man.
- What's up?
I'm sorry. You know, I'm trying
to understand, for my character,
you know, um, are-are we
suggesting, you know,
that the Man-ny thinks a grown
man can breastfeed a baby?
Are we saying the Man-ny's got brain
damage? 'Cause I could do a voice.
Kevin, I know you care. I know
you care about the character.
I do care about the character.
Thank you.
I also know that you're a
30-something-year-old actor
whose biggest previous role was a
three-episode arc on Nashville.
So say the line or find another job.
Because trust me when I say
that I'll have you replaced
by Ryan Gosling, Ryan
Phillippe, or Ryan Reynolds
or any other handsome Ryan by
the time you get to your car.
And believe me, my ratings will go up.
Ryan Gosling would never do this crap.
You are right, Kevin.
Ryan Gosling would never do this crap.
Remember that.
RANDALL: Come on, Annie!
Go get the ball, hon!
Hi, Daddy!
Hi, sweetheart! There's the ball!
You want to play soccer?
- It...
- How's she doing?
Uh, I think she's saving
it for the second half.
How's about her?
(GRUNTING)
- Four boys crying and counting.
- That's my little badass.
- Switch?
- Switch.
- Is that a... Aw.
- French braid. Yes.
- Over, under, back through, baby!
- (LAUGHS)
- Hi, Mommy!
- All right, well, she made a friend.
I found him.
My father.
What? When?
I, uh... I hired a guy.
It cost about 1,500 bucks.
Now, I paid for it on the Amex.
You're gonna see it.
It's the personal Amex,
not the business Amex.
- I don't care about the Amex.
- I know, I know.
So you're gonna...
- No.
- Why not?
Because she was a crack addict
who died during childbirth,
and he was the guy who
left me at a fire station,
probably because he couldn't
think of anything more cliché.
So why'd you find him?
I don't know, Beth.
I really don't know.
(GROANS)
- Oh! Go!
- (WHISTLE BLOWS)
Way to go, Tess!
- BETH: Sportsmanship, baby!
- (SQUEALS)
KATE: Excuse me.
Do you mind?
(GAGS)
...and so, I said to myself, "Tanya,
"you have done what you
have set out to do.
"You have lost the weight.
And now you can help others
be skinny like you."
(APPLAUSE)
So, who would like to share first?
Every time I'm going on a diet,
he sabotages me.
Well, my husband found me
eating out of the fridge
in the middle of the night
again the other night.
(SIGHS)
I'm trying.
I'm not sabotaging you, Marsha.
I know I don't have the same
issues as everyone here.
But you guys don't know what
it's like looking like me
and carrying around that extra
seven pounds in your midsection.
WOMAN: For me,
it was my mom.
She never let us eat pizza.
And so now, every time I see a pizza,
(CRYING): I mean, I have
to eat the entire thing.
If this doesn't work, I might just
have my stomach stapled
and just be done with...
(LAUGHS)
(CLEARS THROAT)
I am sor... I'm sorry.
(LAUGHING)
I was just... I was
picturing the stapler.
(CHUCKLES) And it's...
which is totally inappropriate.
I apologize.
I'm way fatter than you if it...
- means anything.
- (CHUCKLES)
(GIGGLES)
Mmm, coffee.
Hi.
Boy, these people hate me.
You kind of crossed the line.
Yeah, you laughed.
- That's because I live across the line.
- Oh!
(LAUGHING): Okay.
Toby.
Kate.
Yeah.
Nice to meet you.
So, you want to be fat friends?
(LAUGHS)
Sure.
- But I'm gonna lose the weight.
- You know,
I'm probably not.
Okay.
I can't fall for a fat person right now.
Well...
I guess I'll lose the weight then.
Breathe, Bec. Breathe, breathe,
breathe, breathe, breathe. (GROANING)
- Breathe. Breathe.
- (BLOWS OUT)
Deep breath, Bec.
Deep breath, deep breath.
Deep breathe, look at me, deep breathe.
- There you go.
- (BREATHING HEAVILY)
There you go, almost done, almost done.
(BOTH BREATHE HEAVILY)
There you go. Hey, there you go.
Baby, I'm sorry for anything I'm
gonna say in the next two hours.
I mean none of it.
- You're gonna mean some of it.
- Very little of it.
Fair enough.
I'm almost glad Schneider's
appendix burst.
I like you two.
Now since I'm new here, I thought
we might have a conversation now
before things get more intense.
Yeah, that sounds nice.
So, you said you have grandchildren?
Not that kind of conversation.
Now. I know that Dr. Schneider talked to
you about the positioning of the babies,
and how complicated this
delivery could get.
I thought we should...
I'm sorry, no, we're not gonna
have this conversation.
- Jack, we need to have this...
- We're not having this conversation
- because it's not gonna happen.
- Well, we need to talk about...
We are walking out of this hospital with
three healthy babies
and one healthy wife.
- Absolutely, but we still...
- I have three cribs
at our new home that
we bought specifically
- for our three children to grow up in.
- I understand.
My-my mother, my mother has
already knitted three onesies.
I know.
And she's a slow, no-talent knitter.
It's also happens to be my
birthday today, which tends to be
a pretty great day in our house,
a day when I get pretty lucky.
(CHUCKLES)
So I'm gonna need everyone
in this room to believe me
when I say that only good things
are gonna happen here today.
Actually...
I-I don't just want you to believe it.
I want you to know it.
Do you know it, baby?
I love you.
Yeah, I know it.
I know it.
Do you know it, Doc?
I know I like you.
Let's just start there,
get you what you want.
(EXHALES)
Okay.
Hey, clear my afternoon?
WOMAN (OVER INTERCOM):
But sir, what about...?
Thanks.
(BUZZER SOUNDS)
(POUNDING ON DOOR)
MAN: Yeah, yeah.
Stop all that banging, I
heard you the first time,
banging on the door.
Who the hell is...
My name is Randall Peasing.
I'm your biological son.
36 years ago you left
me at the front door...
No, hold on, just let me say this.
36 years ago you left me at the
front door of a fire station.
Now, don't worry, I'm not here
because I want anything from you.
I was raised by two incredible parents,
I have a lights out
family of my own, and...
that car you see parked out
in front of your house?
Cost $143,000 and I bought it for cash.
I bought it for cash
because I felt like it,
and because I can do stuff like that.
Yeah, you see, I turned
out pretty all right.
Which might surprise a lot of folks
considering the fact that 36 years ago
my life started with you leaving
me on a fire station doorstep
with nothing more than a ratty blanket
and a crap-filled diaper.
I came here today so I
could look you in the eye,
say that to you, and then get
back in my fancy-ass car
and finally prove to myself, and to you,
and to my family who loves me,
that I didn't need a thing from you,
even after I knew who you were.
- You want to come in?
- Okay.
So is there something
you want to say to me?
'Cause otherwise, I
really need to get going.
You want me to say something?
No, I told you, I don't
want anything from you.
- But you're here.
- Just to tell you that.
Well...
I've been told.
You know what? If you're just
gonna sit here making excuses...
- Didn't make any excuses.
- Because there's nothing you can say.
Didn't say anything
for just that reason.
Seems to me you want me to try
to make amends so you can say,
- "Screw you," and storm out of here.
- That's ridiculous.
Okay.
I'd like to say I
remember that day, but...
I barely do.
I'm clean now, finally, but...
I was on the streets then.
I remember her dying,
your mom, remember the baby.
I'd like to say I remember
leaving you at a fire station,
but I don't.
Not an excuse.
In fact, it probably tells
you something about me
that I don't remember.
I do like fire stations, though,
so that sounds like something I'd do
if I had to do something, you know?
Anyway, I don't know if that's
what you're looking for,
but either way, you can be sure
this life of mine is punishment enough
for the things I've done.
- If you think I'm gonna forgive you...
- I don't.
No, you were right. I did just want
to say, "Screw you,"
and storm out of here.
- Well, go ahead.
- Screw you.
Yup.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
You want to meet your grandchildren?
I'll get my coat.
Hey, kid.
Hey. Alan.
All right. Hey, thanks
for doing this, man.
- Oh.
- I really appreciate it.
Oh, please. No thanks necessary.
Trust me: they're paying
me an absolute fortune.
- (CHUCKLES)
- I'm sure.
Great scene for you, by the way.
- You know?
- Yeah.
Tell ya what, when the prick
wants to, he can actually write.
Yeah. Well,
I'll see you out there
on the playing field.
- All right.
- Break a leg, kid.
Thank you, sir.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Hey!
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
the great Alan Thicke!
And... action.
ALAN: Oh, for God's sake, I'm just
trying to lighten up the situation here.
No, I get it. That's what you do, right?
My lightweight dad.
- Son...
- Don't call me "son."
Just go. Just do your
thing, get out of here.
- Come on, son...
- I said don't call me "son."
I-I look at that little girl,
I would do anything for her.
You understand? Y-You show me a train,
I'll jump in front of it
for her, no question.
And she's not even mine.
I mean, you... you mosey
in and out of my life
the past 30 years like
the way you have, I...
I don't understand that and
I'll never understand you,
so just get the hell out of here.
Just get out.
I want you to get out and this time,
I want you to stay the
hell out of my life, okay?
- Son...
- Leave!
And cut!
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS SOFTLY)
(APPLAUSE GROWS LOUDER, AUDIENCE CHEERS)
(QUIETLY): Thank you.
All right, they must think we did it.
- You did it.
- Thank you.
You were fa... you killed.
- Thank you for being here.
- Excellent.
Hey, may I have the envelope, please?
- Oh, come on.
- (CHUCKLES)
There, what are you doing,
come on, get in here.
See, I told you, right? I told you!
That's so good, Kevin.
- Oh...
- (SIGHS) That felt good.
Now all we need to do is just
take a quick whack at the alt pass, huh?
Oh, come on, we don't need an alt pass,
what are you talking about?
Why would you...
wh-wh-what, for what?
Kevin, come on, we talked about this.
You know? I loved it...
I-I wrote it, you know?
But, um, we just got to, we
got to get a lighter version.
Come on.
Let's get that alt.
For me, okay?
And, uh, lose the shirt.
It's just better without the shirt.
(DISTANT, ECHOING): I
hope you're hungry,
'cause we got some pizza for you!
(CHEERING)
Everybody loves pizza!
All right,
- (MAN COUGHS)
- (SNIFFS)
(AUDIENCE MURMURING)
No, it's okay. No, no.
Nobody be alarmed.
Nobody be alarmed, this
isn't a real baby.
This baby can't feel a thing,
because everything's fake!
God forbid we have real
emotion in this show.
What do we got here?
We got a real suitcase.
Finally, we got something real.
Oh, no, we don't! Look,
there's nothing in the suitcase!
Where the hell are you
going, Alan Thicke?!
And what the hell are you gonna wear,
when you get there?! Huh?
He's got no clothes in the suitcase!
You know what it is,
I'm starting to think
about things now. It's actually...
Casey, it's not your fault, brother.
It's not the writer's fault
this show is so bad.
And it's so bad!
It's not the network's
fault for airing it!
It's you guys!
- (AUDIENCE BOOS)
- Why are you watching this stuff?
It's your fault for
demanding so little of us
that we settle.
I can't feel my face right now,
but you know what?
I knew exactly what this
job was when I took it.
Shame on me for taking the money!
Shame on you for making me famous!
Shame on all of us!
That's enough.
- Hey...
- What are you...?
(LAUGHING): I'm not gonna hit you, man.
I'm not gonna hit you!
What do you... you think
I'm some kind of animal?!
I'm just gonna go nuts?!
Listen,
Ryan Gosling may not do this crap,
and neither will I.
I quit...
I quit.
- (SNIFFLES)
- (DOOR OPENS)
Great working with you, man.
I'm a huge fan.
Yeah, that was a lot of fun.
(SCREAMING)
All right, Rebecca, one
more big push, now.
- (REBECCA EXHALES FORCEFULLY)
- There you go...
- Keep pushing!
- Come on, Bec.
All right!
- (REBECCA EXHALES)
- All right.
First male is out,
and he is looking good!
You hear that, baby?
We got a boy! We got a boy!
- (LAUGHS) We got a boy!
- All right.
- (LAUGHS)
- Thank you, ma'am.
- (GASPS)
- Baby?
Something's not right.
(GASPS): There's something's not right.
NURSE: Doctor?
Some oxygen for her, please?
Rebecca? You've done
real good, sweetheart,
but we need to let you
get some rest right now
and let's see if I can't
take it from here, okay?
I'm sorry, what's happening?
I'm gonna have to go in
for the other two, people, let's go.
Your wife is in distress, Jack.
Now, right now, you
just need to trust me
and get the hell out of my way.
No, wait, but I'm...
- Get him out of the room, now.
- NURSE: Stat.
- RANDALL: Guys? (LAUGHS)
- Daddy!
BETH: Hey, babe, I need you to
help Annie with her homework...
(RANDALL SIGHS)
Guys...
...this is your, uh...
William.
This is William.
- ANNIE: Hi.
- TESS: Hi.
William Hill.
Hi.
I'm Beth. I'm sorry. I'm Beth.
- It's a pleasure meeting you, Beth.
- Mm.
ANNIE: You have a hole in your pants.
- Annie!
- (WILLIAM LAUGHS)
Oh, that's okay. I actually do.
(CHUCKLES) Hey, isn't that
what the kids do to be cool?
They put holes in their pants,
- right?
- Not like that.
(LAUGHS) Well, here I was,
thought I was being cool.
Wait, what if I do this?
Yo, what's going...
- (GIRLS LAUGHING)
- BOTH: No.
My, my, my, you must be Tess.
- Yes.
- I hear you play soccer...
I should have called.
I didn't know how to say it out loud.
- So, you just...
- I...
I have no explanation, baby.
Like, everything I want to say
or do around this man,
I do the opposite.
It's like a bad sitcom.
It's like an episode of The Man-ny
or What's Happening!!
(STIFLING LAUGH)
He left me at a fire station
and I invited him into our home.
(LAUGHING)
Oh, my God, baby, you're cracking up.
(SNORTS)
Daddy?
What's happening?
(WHISPERS): What's happening?
(SNORTS, LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)
(SIGHS LOUDLY)
(KATE AND TOBY LAUGHING)
- You're not serious.
- I am.
Wait, Sally Field?
- Yeah. I have a thing
- Mm.
- for Sally Field. Sue me.
- She's, like, 60.
60 is the new sexy.
You didn't know that?
- Mm-mm.
- Mm. And when she turns 70...
(GROANS)
- (LAUGHS)
- Look out,
Sally is gonna peak in her 70s.
- (CHUCKLING): Mm-hmm.
- I promise you.
- Yeah...
- WAITER: Can I interest you in dessert?
- Oh, no thanks.
- Yes!
- No.
- Yes.
- No.
- Yes.
- No!
- Yes.
He was just asking
if he could interest us in dessert.
I am saying that he can.
I am very interested in dessert.
I am utterly fascinated by dessert.
Dessert is my life's work.
So...
We will just have the check, please.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
TOBY: I don't normally like risotto,
but if you put it in a ball
form, and-and deep fry it,
I can eat, like, a thousand of them.
(KATE LAUGHS)
I had a really nice time tonight, Toby.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
Wait, what? No, no, no.
What, that's it?
What do you mean?
I mean, you're not gonna
invite me in for a...
a nightcap or...
a handy or something?
(CHUCKLES)
- Cute.
- I am.
Thank you.
I did have a really nice time tonight.
Okay. You can come inside for a water.
- (CHUCKLING): All right.
- A water.
Uh-huh.
We have already had our
six ounces of wine.
I know.
150 calories per six ounce.
- Ooh.
- Yeah.
You keep counting calories,
and you're gonna really turn me on.
- Yeah.
- Hmm.
You want to know how many, uh,
calories are in a sausage?
- (DOLPHIN SQUEALING)
- (KATE LAUGHING)
KATE: Is... but is it even legal?
TOBY: No. Not in this country.
Do you want to fool around?
(STAMMERS): I don't.
- Ah.
- Uh...
- Okay.
- No, I...
No, I-I do.
It's just been a long time
since this has even been an option.
Hey. I know, I know.
Um, you don't.
I am 36.
And, um...
this...
(GIGGLES)
...is not a very pretty picture.
It's okay.
- No, it's...
- Hey, it's okay.
- (KEVIN GROANS)
- Hey!
Kevin, what the hell?
Why don't you answer your phone?
Uh...
- I was on a date.
- Yeah, hi.
(EXHALES): Oh...
This is... this is the funny
fat guy from fat class?
- Hi.
- Uh, yeah,
it's Toby, and it's a
support group, but yeah.
Holy... Wait, are you the Man-ny?
Yes, I am, Toby.
- (LAUGHS)
- I... I was.
- Wait, what?
- You didn't check
your phone, Twitter, Facebook, nothing?
- Why? Wha...?
- Well, you should.
- Becau...
- Okay, what is hap...
- What is happening?
- I want you to know
you would've been proud of me, okay?
I was the picture of artistic integrity.
Could we do one without your shirt on?
Well, the big news in Hollywood
today is, of course,
the Man-ny's on-set meltdown.
Think about this, I'm like, you know,
it's actually not the writer's fault
that this show is so awful.
(KEVIN CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY ON TV)
Wow. I actually kind of
feel bad for Alan Thicke.
Yeah.
♪
Rebecca's vitals are good.
She's gonna be asleep
for a little while,
but she's doing fine. We're
monitoring her closely.
(QUIETLY): Okay.
We lost the third baby, Jack.
I'm-I'm very sorry.
(SIGHS): The, uh...
second baby is a girl, very strong.
The third baby was a little boy,
but the, uh, umbilical cord
was cutting off his oxygen.
He was stillborn. Nothing
anybody could've done.
I'm sorry, I'm... I'm not
processing anything.
(SNIFFLES) My wife?
Is fine.
And she'll be awake pretty soon.
You have two beautiful,
healthy children, Jack.
- Boy and a girl.
- (SNIFFLES)
But we did lose the third child.
(SNIFFLES)
(TREMBLING BREATH)
I need to be with my wife.
And you will be.
But she needs to sleep now.
But soon. You just sit down.
Sit. Sit.
Okay if I keep you company a second?
Yeah.
(SIGHS)
Okay if I...
try and say something meaningful?
Yeah.
I lost my wife last year.
Cancer.
That's the reason I still
work so much at my age.
Just... trying to pass the time.
(CHUCKLES)
We were married 53 years.
Five children, 11 grandkids.
But we lost our very first
child during the delivery.
The reason I went into this
field, truth be told...
...I have spent five
decades delivering babies.
More babies than I can count.
But there is not a
single day that goes by
that I don't think of the child I lost.
And I'm an old man now.
♪
I like to think that because
of the child that I lost,
because of the path that...
that he sent me on,
that I have saved
countless other babies.
Yeah.
I like to think that maybe one day
you'll be an old man like me...
...talking a younger man's
ear off, explaining to him
how you...
took the sourest lemon
that life has to offer...
and turned it into something
resembling lemonade.
If you can do that, then
you will still be...
taking three babies home
from this hospital.
Just...
maybe not the way you planned.
I don't know if that was
meaningful or senile,
but I thought it ought to be said.
Your wife'll still be
asleep for a little while.
Go see your babies.
They're excited to meet their father.
I think maybe they got a good one.
Sorry. Just had to put the girls down.
These people, they're your...
My parents.
Well, my adopted.
They're my parents.
You've been with them your whole life?
From the start.
A fireman found me.
He took me to the hospital,
and they were there.
They said it felt meant to be.
Just one of those lucky breaks, I guess.
A fire station.
(CHUCKLES): Gee, what
a thing to have done.
- I should get going.
- Maybe we could have you by
- every once...
- No, I don't think that's necessary.
- It's no pressure. I just...
- It's just that
I'm...
I'm dying, is all.
You're sick?
Dying, not sick.
Sick was months ago.
I'm toward the end, fortunately.
Uh... I don't know what to say.
No, there's nothing to be said.
It was a kindness you've shown me,
letting me meet them.
Your dad must've been very proud of you.
♪
♪ Let your heart be ♪
♪ Unchained ♪
♪ Let your skin be ♪
♪ Unstained ♪
♪ Let your road... ♪
I cannot believe that I'm
drinking these calories.
Since I just torpedoed my career,
I think you can afford an extra,
you know, 100 calories or whatever.
- 150.
- It's 150.
What if I'm not better than The Man-ny?
What if I am exactly "Man-ny good"?
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
Broadway.
Can't sing.
Porn.
Yeah, maybe.
I'm gonna get some more of this red.
(GRUNTS)
I'm in so much trouble.
I am screwed.
Listen, okay, Kevin...
Do you remember what Dad used to say?
When something crappy
would happen to us?
Whenever we'd get down, whenever we
felt like life wasn't going our way?
Which one's yours?
Um... those two.
Congrats! Twins.
Wow.
How about you? Which one's yours?
None of 'em, actually.
Strangest damn thing.
Someone left a newborn
at my fire station.
I didn't know what to do,
so I brought him here.
(CRYING)
Smoke?
No. Thank you.
♪
Life's strange.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
♪
♪ Watch me when you call my name ♪
Come on, Kev.
You remember.
(EXHALES) What did he say?
About the lemons?
- (CHUCKLES)
- Hmm?
"There's no lemon
BOTH: "...so sour...
KEVIN: ...that you can't make
something resembling lemonade."
♪ So glad you came ♪
♪
_
♪ Watch me when you look my way ♪
♪ See me smiling ♪
♪ Be my night and day ♪
Good. Now that's out of the way.
♪ Touch me in your own sweet way ♪
♪ Feel me tremble ♪
♪ When you take my words away ♪
♪
♪ All of the time ♪
♪ I love you ♪
♪ Say it in mine ♪
♪
_
_
_
_
_
_
♪ Spirit of my silence ♪
♪ I can hear you ♪
♪ But I'm afraid to be near you ♪
♪ And I don't know ♪
♪ Where to begin ♪
Okay, I'm ready.
REBECCA: You promise you like your gift?
The towel? It's absolutely terrible.
Suit's on?
- Yes, ma'am.
- Your birthday suit.
Only one I've got.
(CHUCKLES)
I had to put the lingerie
on top of my clothes.
I see that.
It wasn't a great moment for me.
Tradition is tradition.
Yeah. But I'm gonna go ahead
and spare us both the
seductive birthday dance
- this year.
- I'm sorry, baby, but it's my birthday,
and I would really, really
like to see the dance.
(CHUCKLES)
Your funeral.
- Mm-hmm.
- (SCOFFS)
- Ready?
- Mm-hmm.
(HUMMING, GRUNTS)
(HUMMING) You like it,
- right?
- (LAUGHS)
This is what you want.
A little of that.
A little of that, for you?
- (LAUGHING)
- I will gag
you dead with that towel.
Okay, okay.
- I'm quiet.
- Come on.
♪ Amethyst and flowers on the table ♪
♪ Is it real or a fable? ♪
♪ Well, I suppose ♪
- ♪ A friend is a friend ♪
- (SIGHS)
♪ And we all know ♪
♪ How this will end ♪
You suck.
♪ What is that song ♪
♪ You sing for the dead? ♪
♪ I see the signal searchlight ♪
- (COMPUTER CHIMES)
- ♪ Strike me in the window ♪
♪ Of... ♪
- (DOOR OPENS)
- WOMAN: Got a sec, boss?
Yeah. What's up?
ALL: ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy birthday ♪
- (QUIETLY): Yeah...
- ♪ To you ♪
- (CHUCKLES)
- ♪ Happy... ♪
♪ I forgive you, Mother,
I can hear you ♪
♪ And I long to be near you ♪
- WOMAN: We love your show.
- Huh?
Do you want to dance?
Uh-uh. No. But, um,
you know, you go ahead.
It's my birthday today.
36 today.
- You don't look 36.
- Yeah, I do.
REBECCA: ♪ Happy 36th birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy 36th birthday to you ♪
♪ I have triplets inside of me ♪
♪ I am Shamu ♪
♪ We all know how this will end ♪
Hey, Big Three, do you three know
how much I love your mother?
I mean, do you even have
- any idea?
- (BABY VOICE): Yeah, we do. Now shut up
- and let your fat-ass wife go to sleep.
- No.
No, no, no. Birthday tradition
is birthday tradition.
(CHUCKLES) So close your eyes in
there, kids, because Daddy's about
to do some real terrible
things to Mommy.
(CHUCKLES)
♪ I see the signal
searchlight strike me ♪
♪ In the window ♪
♪ Of my room ♪
♪ Chimney swift that finds me ♪
♪ Be my keeper ♪
♪ Silhouette of the cedar ♪
♪ What is that song ♪
♪ You sing for the dead? ♪
- ♪ What is that song ♪
- (SHOUTS)
- (CHUCKLES)
- ♪ You sing for the dead? ♪
How could you possibly
want me right now?
In any state, my wife, you arouse me.
I bet I can make that go away.
- There's nothing you can say that's...
- My water just broke.
(MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY)
- Yep.
- Yeah.
- ♪
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
♪ My hands to myself ♪
♪ Can't keep my hands... ♪
You know when I think it all
went wrong for me was 1986,
second grade. They were sending
the Challenger up into space.
You remember the Challenger, right?
- Yeah. With Sandra Bullock?
- No.
Christa McAuliffe, right?
She was gonna be
the first teacher into space.
She was actually gonna change the world.
I don't know how, but you
could feel that, you know?
At least, in second grade, you could...
you could feel it.
Middle of the school day,
the teacher brings in a TV, right?
We're all just sitting
there, watching the launch,
a bunch of seven-year-olds
just-just watchin'.
And all of a sudden, boom! (GASPS)
The whole thing explodes.
Little pieces of sweet Christa McAuliffe
come raining down all over
the state of Florida.
It was awful.
Maybe that's when I realized
trying to change the world
just leads to being blown up
into little pieces all over Florida.
Maybe that's how I wound
up as the Man-ny.
(PHONE BUZZING)
It's my sister.
Kate?
You... you didn't have any ice, so...
Well, this is a low point.
We're 36.
We're officially late 30s.
Like, we are deep in the threes.
Yep.
(SCOFFS)
How did I get here?
Like, how the hell did I get here?
Remember second grade, the
Challenger explosion?
You have got to stop with
the Challenger explosion.
There's something there.
You're the only good
thing in my life, Kev.
- I'm not that great. Come on.
- I know.
That's what makes it worse.
(CHUCKLES)
I had this...
whole dream life that I
envisioned for myself.
- A real career.
- (CHUCKLES)
I would marry a man like Dad.
I would be a mom like Mom.
But look at me, Kev.
Like, I ate my dream life away.
(SNIFFLES) So what do you... what
do you want me to say to you, huh?
Wh-What... Give me the
magic phrase, sis, to say
to make you feel better and I'll say it.
Tell me to quit feeling sorry for myself.
I don't know.
Tell me to wake the hell up. Tell me,
tell me to lose the damn weight.
Quit feeling sorry for yourself.
All right? That can start right now.
Wake the hell up.
And-and, you know...
the... What was the...
what was the third thing?
Lose the damn weight.
You want to say that again?
I'm gonna lose the damn weight.
(SIGHS)
You are a lot smarter than you look.
That's what Michael Bay told me.
- ♪
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- Here you go.
- Oh, yeah.
Thank you. (EXHALES)
Hey, do you realize me and the kids
- are gonna have the same birthday?
- (CHUCKLES) I know.
Yeah.
Still, six weeks early
- is pretty early.
- Yeah.
I know.
(EXHALES)
What the hell could this
thing possibly be for?
It's for rectal examinations.
That one's from the dirty pile.
Sorry.
Now, then, I'm Dr. Katowski,
but you can call me Doc or Dr. K,
which is what most people choose to do
- because it's folksy.
- Oh,
so you work with Dr. Schneider?
Take a breath for me, dear.
- (EXHALES)
- Deep breath, now.
There you go.
All right. You relaxed?
Good, good, good.
Dr. Schneider's appendix burst
an hour ago. He just went
into surgery. No, no,
- no, no, no. Now, stay with me.
- Oh, God. No, I need Dr. Schneider
- 'cause he knows about...
- Stay with me now.
Between his screams of agony, Schneider
brought me up to speed on
everything concerning your case.
I know all about these
triplets, and I know that this
- is a high-risk pregnancy.
- Yeah.
But everything's gonna be all right.
This is some kind of bad joke, right?
It is not, unfortunately.
Now, sweetheart, I'm gonna get
straight to your first concern.
- Look at me now. Look at me.
- (PANTING)
- Do you see me? I am 73 years old.
- Yeah.
- You know what that means, don't you?
- No.
That means I don't run wind
sprints as fast as I used to,
but my faculties are
otherwise completely intact.
There are days that I wish they weren't,
because then I would retire
and spend my remaining days
doing something more glamorous
than pulling eight-pound objects
out of women's vaginas.
But until that time,
I keep showing up here every day.
All right?
I'm also aware that I'm a
complete stranger to you,
and this is the biggest moment
- of your life.
- Yeah.
- All right? Honey, listen to me,
- Yeah.
I am the best of the best.
And I swear to you, on
the lives of my children
and my grandchildren,
that I am up to the task.
- All right? All right.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
- All right.
Good.
Now, which one of you's pregnant?
Now, that was a bad joke, but
you just continue to take
those deep breaths...
Let's see... let me see if
any of my people are here.
Let me take a little test.
Sheket bevakasha!
- (SCATTERED HEYS)
- Jew! Jew!
Jew!
All right, hey! Come on!
(BUZZER SOUNDS)
And... action!
- ♪
- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Huh? Huh?
What can I do to make
you feel better, huh?
You want me to breastfeed you?
Would that make you feel better,
if I breastfed ya?
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah? Here we go. Let's try to...
(LAUGHTER, WHOOPING)
I'm-I'm sorry, guys. I need to cut.
Uh...
MAN: Sorry, everybody. A
little technical difficulty.
- Who wants a T-shirt?
- (CHEERING)
- Hey, man.
- What's up?
I'm sorry. You know, I'm trying
to understand, for my character,
you know, um, are-are we
suggesting, you know,
that the Man-ny thinks a grown
man can breastfeed a baby?
Are we saying the Man-ny's got brain
damage? 'Cause I could do a voice.
Kevin, I know you care. I know
you care about the character.
I do care about the character.
Thank you.
I also know that you're a
30-something-year-old actor
whose biggest previous role was a
three-episode arc on Nashville.
So say the line or find another job.
Because trust me when I say
that I'll have you replaced
by Ryan Gosling, Ryan
Phillippe, or Ryan Reynolds
or any other handsome Ryan by
the time you get to your car.
And believe me, my ratings will go up.
Ryan Gosling would never do this crap.
You are right, Kevin.
Ryan Gosling would never do this crap.
Remember that.
RANDALL: Come on, Annie!
Go get the ball, hon!
Hi, Daddy!
Hi, sweetheart! There's the ball!
You want to play soccer?
- It...
- How's she doing?
Uh, I think she's saving
it for the second half.
How's about her?
(GRUNTING)
- Four boys crying and counting.
- That's my little badass.
- Switch?
- Switch.
- Is that a... Aw.
- French braid. Yes.
- Over, under, back through, baby!
- (LAUGHS)
- Hi, Mommy!
- All right, well, she made a friend.
I found him.
My father.
What? When?
I, uh... I hired a guy.
It cost about 1,500 bucks.
Now, I paid for it on the Amex.
You're gonna see it.
It's the personal Amex,
not the business Amex.
- I don't care about the Amex.
- I know, I know.
So you're gonna...
- No.
- Why not?
Because she was a crack addict
who died during childbirth,
and he was the guy who
left me at a fire station,
probably because he couldn't
think of anything more cliché.
So why'd you find him?
I don't know, Beth.
I really don't know.
(GROANS)
- Oh! Go!
- (WHISTLE BLOWS)
Way to go, Tess!
- BETH: Sportsmanship, baby!
- (SQUEALS)
KATE: Excuse me.
Do you mind?
(GAGS)
...and so, I said to myself, "Tanya,
"you have done what you
have set out to do.
"You have lost the weight.
And now you can help others
be skinny like you."
(APPLAUSE)
So, who would like to share first?
Every time I'm going on a diet,
he sabotages me.
Well, my husband found me
eating out of the fridge
in the middle of the night
again the other night.
(SIGHS)
I'm trying.
I'm not sabotaging you, Marsha.
I know I don't have the same
issues as everyone here.
But you guys don't know what
it's like looking like me
and carrying around that extra
seven pounds in your midsection.
WOMAN: For me,
it was my mom.
She never let us eat pizza.
And so now, every time I see a pizza,
(CRYING): I mean, I have
to eat the entire thing.
If this doesn't work, I might just
have my stomach stapled
and just be done with...
(LAUGHS)
(CLEARS THROAT)
I am sor... I'm sorry.
(LAUGHING)
I was just... I was
picturing the stapler.
(CHUCKLES) And it's...
which is totally inappropriate.
I apologize.
I'm way fatter than you if it...
- means anything.
- (CHUCKLES)
(GIGGLES)
Mmm, coffee.
Hi.
Boy, these people hate me.
You kind of crossed the line.
Yeah, you laughed.
- That's because I live across the line.
- Oh!
(LAUGHING): Okay.
Toby.
Kate.
Yeah.
Nice to meet you.
So, you want to be fat friends?
(LAUGHS)
Sure.
- But I'm gonna lose the weight.
- You know,
I'm probably not.
Okay.
I can't fall for a fat person right now.
Well...
I guess I'll lose the weight then.
Breathe, Bec. Breathe, breathe,
breathe, breathe, breathe. (GROANING)
- Breathe. Breathe.
- (BLOWS OUT)
Deep breath, Bec.
Deep breath, deep breath.
Deep breathe, look at me, deep breathe.
- There you go.
- (BREATHING HEAVILY)
There you go, almost done, almost done.
(BOTH BREATHE HEAVILY)
There you go. Hey, there you go.
Baby, I'm sorry for anything I'm
gonna say in the next two hours.
I mean none of it.
- You're gonna mean some of it.
- Very little of it.
Fair enough.
I'm almost glad Schneider's
appendix burst.
I like you two.
Now since I'm new here, I thought
we might have a conversation now
before things get more intense.
Yeah, that sounds nice.
So, you said you have grandchildren?
Not that kind of conversation.
Now. I know that Dr. Schneider talked to
you about the positioning of the babies,
and how complicated this
delivery could get.
I thought we should...
I'm sorry, no, we're not gonna
have this conversation.
- Jack, we need to have this...
- We're not having this conversation
- because it's not gonna happen.
- Well, we need to talk about...
We are walking out of this hospital with
three healthy babies
and one healthy wife.
- Absolutely, but we still...
- I have three cribs
at our new home that
we bought specifically
- for our three children to grow up in.
- I understand.
My-my mother, my mother has
already knitted three onesies.
I know.
And she's a slow, no-talent knitter.
It's also happens to be my
birthday today, which tends to be
a pretty great day in our house,
a day when I get pretty lucky.
(CHUCKLES)
So I'm gonna need everyone
in this room to believe me
when I say that only good things
are gonna happen here today.
Actually...
I-I don't just want you to believe it.
I want you to know it.
Do you know it, baby?
I love you.
Yeah, I know it.
I know it.
Do you know it, Doc?
I know I like you.
Let's just start there,
get you what you want.
(EXHALES)
Okay.
Hey, clear my afternoon?
WOMAN (OVER INTERCOM):
But sir, what about...?
Thanks.
(BUZZER SOUNDS)
(POUNDING ON DOOR)
MAN: Yeah, yeah.
Stop all that banging, I
heard you the first time,
banging on the door.
Who the hell is...
My name is Randall Peasing.
I'm your biological son.
36 years ago you left
me at the front door...
No, hold on, just let me say this.
36 years ago you left me at the
front door of a fire station.
Now, don't worry, I'm not here
because I want anything from you.
I was raised by two incredible parents,
I have a lights out
family of my own, and...
that car you see parked out
in front of your house?
Cost $143,000 and I bought it for cash.
I bought it for cash
because I felt like it,
and because I can do stuff like that.
Yeah, you see, I turned
out pretty all right.
Which might surprise a lot of folks
considering the fact that 36 years ago
my life started with you leaving
me on a fire station doorstep
with nothing more than a ratty blanket
and a crap-filled diaper.
I came here today so I
could look you in the eye,
say that to you, and then get
back in my fancy-ass car
and finally prove to myself, and to you,
and to my family who loves me,
that I didn't need a thing from you,
even after I knew who you were.
- You want to come in?
- Okay.
So is there something
you want to say to me?
'Cause otherwise, I
really need to get going.
You want me to say something?
No, I told you, I don't
want anything from you.
- But you're here.
- Just to tell you that.
Well...
I've been told.
You know what? If you're just
gonna sit here making excuses...
- Didn't make any excuses.
- Because there's nothing you can say.
Didn't say anything
for just that reason.
Seems to me you want me to try
to make amends so you can say,
- "Screw you," and storm out of here.
- That's ridiculous.
Okay.
I'd like to say I
remember that day, but...
I barely do.
I'm clean now, finally, but...
I was on the streets then.
I remember her dying,
your mom, remember the baby.
I'd like to say I remember
leaving you at a fire station,
but I don't.
Not an excuse.
In fact, it probably tells
you something about me
that I don't remember.
I do like fire stations, though,
so that sounds like something I'd do
if I had to do something, you know?
Anyway, I don't know if that's
what you're looking for,
but either way, you can be sure
this life of mine is punishment enough
for the things I've done.
- If you think I'm gonna forgive you...
- I don't.
No, you were right. I did just want
to say, "Screw you,"
and storm out of here.
- Well, go ahead.
- Screw you.
Yup.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
You want to meet your grandchildren?
I'll get my coat.
Hey, kid.
Hey. Alan.
All right. Hey, thanks
for doing this, man.
- Oh.
- I really appreciate it.
Oh, please. No thanks necessary.
Trust me: they're paying
me an absolute fortune.
- (CHUCKLES)
- I'm sure.
Great scene for you, by the way.
- You know?
- Yeah.
Tell ya what, when the prick
wants to, he can actually write.
Yeah. Well,
I'll see you out there
on the playing field.
- All right.
- Break a leg, kid.
Thank you, sir.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Hey!
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
the great Alan Thicke!
And... action.
ALAN: Oh, for God's sake, I'm just
trying to lighten up the situation here.
No, I get it. That's what you do, right?
My lightweight dad.
- Son...
- Don't call me "son."
Just go. Just do your
thing, get out of here.
- Come on, son...
- I said don't call me "son."
I-I look at that little girl,
I would do anything for her.
You understand? Y-You show me a train,
I'll jump in front of it
for her, no question.
And she's not even mine.
I mean, you... you mosey
in and out of my life
the past 30 years like
the way you have, I...
I don't understand that and
I'll never understand you,
so just get the hell out of here.
Just get out.
I want you to get out and this time,
I want you to stay the
hell out of my life, okay?
- Son...
- Leave!
And cut!
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS SOFTLY)
(APPLAUSE GROWS LOUDER, AUDIENCE CHEERS)
(QUIETLY): Thank you.
All right, they must think we did it.
- You did it.
- Thank you.
You were fa... you killed.
- Thank you for being here.
- Excellent.
Hey, may I have the envelope, please?
- Oh, come on.
- (CHUCKLES)
There, what are you doing,
come on, get in here.
See, I told you, right? I told you!
That's so good, Kevin.
- Oh...
- (SIGHS) That felt good.
Now all we need to do is just
take a quick whack at the alt pass, huh?
Oh, come on, we don't need an alt pass,
what are you talking about?
Why would you...
wh-wh-what, for what?
Kevin, come on, we talked about this.
You know? I loved it...
I-I wrote it, you know?
But, um, we just got to, we
got to get a lighter version.
Come on.
Let's get that alt.
For me, okay?
And, uh, lose the shirt.
It's just better without the shirt.
(DISTANT, ECHOING): I
hope you're hungry,
'cause we got some pizza for you!
(CHEERING)
Everybody loves pizza!
All right,
- (MAN COUGHS)
- (SNIFFS)
(AUDIENCE MURMURING)
No, it's okay. No, no.
Nobody be alarmed.
Nobody be alarmed, this
isn't a real baby.
This baby can't feel a thing,
because everything's fake!
God forbid we have real
emotion in this show.
What do we got here?
We got a real suitcase.
Finally, we got something real.
Oh, no, we don't! Look,
there's nothing in the suitcase!
Where the hell are you
going, Alan Thicke?!
And what the hell are you gonna wear,
when you get there?! Huh?
He's got no clothes in the suitcase!
You know what it is,
I'm starting to think
about things now. It's actually...
Casey, it's not your fault, brother.
It's not the writer's fault
this show is so bad.
And it's so bad!
It's not the network's
fault for airing it!
It's you guys!
- (AUDIENCE BOOS)
- Why are you watching this stuff?
It's your fault for
demanding so little of us
that we settle.
I can't feel my face right now,
but you know what?
I knew exactly what this
job was when I took it.
Shame on me for taking the money!
Shame on you for making me famous!
Shame on all of us!
That's enough.
- Hey...
- What are you...?
(LAUGHING): I'm not gonna hit you, man.
I'm not gonna hit you!
What do you... you think
I'm some kind of animal?!
I'm just gonna go nuts?!
Listen,
Ryan Gosling may not do this crap,
and neither will I.
I quit...
I quit.
- (SNIFFLES)
- (DOOR OPENS)
Great working with you, man.
I'm a huge fan.
Yeah, that was a lot of fun.
(SCREAMING)
All right, Rebecca, one
more big push, now.
- (REBECCA EXHALES FORCEFULLY)
- There you go...
- Keep pushing!
- Come on, Bec.
All right!
- (REBECCA EXHALES)
- All right.
First male is out,
and he is looking good!
You hear that, baby?
We got a boy! We got a boy!
- (LAUGHS) We got a boy!
- All right.
- (LAUGHS)
- Thank you, ma'am.
- (GASPS)
- Baby?
Something's not right.
(GASPS): There's something's not right.
NURSE: Doctor?
Some oxygen for her, please?
Rebecca? You've done
real good, sweetheart,
but we need to let you
get some rest right now
and let's see if I can't
take it from here, okay?
I'm sorry, what's happening?
I'm gonna have to go in
for the other two, people, let's go.
Your wife is in distress, Jack.
Now, right now, you
just need to trust me
and get the hell out of my way.
No, wait, but I'm...
- Get him out of the room, now.
- NURSE: Stat.
- RANDALL: Guys? (LAUGHS)
- Daddy!
BETH: Hey, babe, I need you to
help Annie with her homework...
(RANDALL SIGHS)
Guys...
...this is your, uh...
William.
This is William.
- ANNIE: Hi.
- TESS: Hi.
William Hill.
Hi.
I'm Beth. I'm sorry. I'm Beth.
- It's a pleasure meeting you, Beth.
- Mm.
ANNIE: You have a hole in your pants.
- Annie!
- (WILLIAM LAUGHS)
Oh, that's okay. I actually do.
(CHUCKLES) Hey, isn't that
what the kids do to be cool?
They put holes in their pants,
- right?
- Not like that.
(LAUGHS) Well, here I was,
thought I was being cool.
Wait, what if I do this?
Yo, what's going...
- (GIRLS LAUGHING)
- BOTH: No.
My, my, my, you must be Tess.
- Yes.
- I hear you play soccer...
I should have called.
I didn't know how to say it out loud.
- So, you just...
- I...
I have no explanation, baby.
Like, everything I want to say
or do around this man,
I do the opposite.
It's like a bad sitcom.
It's like an episode of The Man-ny
or What's Happening!!
(STIFLING LAUGH)
He left me at a fire station
and I invited him into our home.
(LAUGHING)
Oh, my God, baby, you're cracking up.
(SNORTS)
Daddy?
What's happening?
(WHISPERS): What's happening?
(SNORTS, LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)
(SIGHS LOUDLY)
(KATE AND TOBY LAUGHING)
- You're not serious.
- I am.
Wait, Sally Field?
- Yeah. I have a thing
- Mm.
- for Sally Field. Sue me.
- She's, like, 60.
60 is the new sexy.
You didn't know that?
- Mm-mm.
- Mm. And when she turns 70...
(GROANS)
- (LAUGHS)
- Look out,
Sally is gonna peak in her 70s.
- (CHUCKLING): Mm-hmm.
- I promise you.
- Yeah...
- WAITER: Can I interest you in dessert?
- Oh, no thanks.
- Yes!
- No.
- Yes.
- No.
- Yes.
- No!
- Yes.
He was just asking
if he could interest us in dessert.
I am saying that he can.
I am very interested in dessert.
I am utterly fascinated by dessert.
Dessert is my life's work.
So...
We will just have the check, please.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
TOBY: I don't normally like risotto,
but if you put it in a ball
form, and-and deep fry it,
I can eat, like, a thousand of them.
(KATE LAUGHS)
I had a really nice time tonight, Toby.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
Wait, what? No, no, no.
What, that's it?
What do you mean?
I mean, you're not gonna
invite me in for a...
a nightcap or...
a handy or something?
(CHUCKLES)
- Cute.
- I am.
Thank you.
I did have a really nice time tonight.
Okay. You can come inside for a water.
- (CHUCKLING): All right.
- A water.
Uh-huh.
We have already had our
six ounces of wine.
I know.
150 calories per six ounce.
- Ooh.
- Yeah.
You keep counting calories,
and you're gonna really turn me on.
- Yeah.
- Hmm.
You want to know how many, uh,
calories are in a sausage?
- (DOLPHIN SQUEALING)
- (KATE LAUGHING)
KATE: Is... but is it even legal?
TOBY: No. Not in this country.
Do you want to fool around?
(STAMMERS): I don't.
- Ah.
- Uh...
- Okay.
- No, I...
No, I-I do.
It's just been a long time
since this has even been an option.
Hey. I know, I know.
Um, you don't.
I am 36.
And, um...
this...
(GIGGLES)
...is not a very pretty picture.
It's okay.
- No, it's...
- Hey, it's okay.
- (KEVIN GROANS)
- Hey!
Kevin, what the hell?
Why don't you answer your phone?
Uh...
- I was on a date.
- Yeah, hi.
(EXHALES): Oh...
This is... this is the funny
fat guy from fat class?
- Hi.
- Uh, yeah,
it's Toby, and it's a
support group, but yeah.
Holy... Wait, are you the Man-ny?
Yes, I am, Toby.
- (LAUGHS)
- I... I was.
- Wait, what?
- You didn't check
your phone, Twitter, Facebook, nothing?
- Why? Wha...?
- Well, you should.
- Becau...
- Okay, what is hap...
- What is happening?
- I want you to know
you would've been proud of me, okay?
I was the picture of artistic integrity.
Could we do one without your shirt on?
Well, the big news in Hollywood
today is, of course,
the Man-ny's on-set meltdown.
Think about this, I'm like, you know,
it's actually not the writer's fault
that this show is so awful.
(KEVIN CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY ON TV)
Wow. I actually kind of
feel bad for Alan Thicke.
Yeah.
♪
Rebecca's vitals are good.
She's gonna be asleep
for a little while,
but she's doing fine. We're
monitoring her closely.
(QUIETLY): Okay.
We lost the third baby, Jack.
I'm-I'm very sorry.
(SIGHS): The, uh...
second baby is a girl, very strong.
The third baby was a little boy,
but the, uh, umbilical cord
was cutting off his oxygen.
He was stillborn. Nothing
anybody could've done.
I'm sorry, I'm... I'm not
processing anything.
(SNIFFLES) My wife?
Is fine.
And she'll be awake pretty soon.
You have two beautiful,
healthy children, Jack.
- Boy and a girl.
- (SNIFFLES)
But we did lose the third child.
(SNIFFLES)
(TREMBLING BREATH)
I need to be with my wife.
And you will be.
But she needs to sleep now.
But soon. You just sit down.
Sit. Sit.
Okay if I keep you company a second?
Yeah.
(SIGHS)
Okay if I...
try and say something meaningful?
Yeah.
I lost my wife last year.
Cancer.
That's the reason I still
work so much at my age.
Just... trying to pass the time.
(CHUCKLES)
We were married 53 years.
Five children, 11 grandkids.
But we lost our very first
child during the delivery.
The reason I went into this
field, truth be told...
...I have spent five
decades delivering babies.
More babies than I can count.
But there is not a
single day that goes by
that I don't think of the child I lost.
And I'm an old man now.
♪
I like to think that because
of the child that I lost,
because of the path that...
that he sent me on,
that I have saved
countless other babies.
Yeah.
I like to think that maybe one day
you'll be an old man like me...
...talking a younger man's
ear off, explaining to him
how you...
took the sourest lemon
that life has to offer...
and turned it into something
resembling lemonade.
If you can do that, then
you will still be...
taking three babies home
from this hospital.
Just...
maybe not the way you planned.
I don't know if that was
meaningful or senile,
but I thought it ought to be said.
Your wife'll still be
asleep for a little while.
Go see your babies.
They're excited to meet their father.
I think maybe they got a good one.
Sorry. Just had to put the girls down.
These people, they're your...
My parents.
Well, my adopted.
They're my parents.
You've been with them your whole life?
From the start.
A fireman found me.
He took me to the hospital,
and they were there.
They said it felt meant to be.
Just one of those lucky breaks, I guess.
A fire station.
(CHUCKLES): Gee, what
a thing to have done.
- I should get going.
- Maybe we could have you by
- every once...
- No, I don't think that's necessary.
- It's no pressure. I just...
- It's just that
I'm...
I'm dying, is all.
You're sick?
Dying, not sick.
Sick was months ago.
I'm toward the end, fortunately.
Uh... I don't know what to say.
No, there's nothing to be said.
It was a kindness you've shown me,
letting me meet them.
Your dad must've been very proud of you.
♪
♪ Let your heart be ♪
♪ Unchained ♪
♪ Let your skin be ♪
♪ Unstained ♪
♪ Let your road... ♪
I cannot believe that I'm
drinking these calories.
Since I just torpedoed my career,
I think you can afford an extra,
you know, 100 calories or whatever.
- 150.
- It's 150.
What if I'm not better than The Man-ny?
What if I am exactly "Man-ny good"?
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
Broadway.
Can't sing.
Porn.
Yeah, maybe.
I'm gonna get some more of this red.
(GRUNTS)
I'm in so much trouble.
I am screwed.
Listen, okay, Kevin...
Do you remember what Dad used to say?
When something crappy
would happen to us?
Whenever we'd get down, whenever we
felt like life wasn't going our way?
Which one's yours?
Um... those two.
Congrats! Twins.
Wow.
How about you? Which one's yours?
None of 'em, actually.
Strangest damn thing.
Someone left a newborn
at my fire station.
I didn't know what to do,
so I brought him here.
(CRYING)
Smoke?
No. Thank you.
♪
Life's strange.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
♪
♪ Watch me when you call my name ♪
Come on, Kev.
You remember.
(EXHALES) What did he say?
About the lemons?
- (CHUCKLES)
- Hmm?
"There's no lemon
BOTH: "...so sour...
KEVIN: ...that you can't make
something resembling lemonade."
♪ So glad you came ♪
♪
_
♪ Watch me when you look my way ♪
♪ See me smiling ♪
♪ Be my night and day ♪
Good. Now that's out of the way.
♪ Touch me in your own sweet way ♪
♪ Feel me tremble ♪
♪ When you take my words away ♪
♪
♪ All of the time ♪
♪ I love you ♪
♪ Say it in mine ♪
♪